Having AND eating cakes since 1977
 

On behalf of Cape Town, our apologies, Sir Alex I read that article too. That one about that woman dying of emphysema in the States who, a few months ago, decided to sue Phillip Morris Tobacco. Well, the American justice system needs no introduction; three weeks ago, although not confirmed, The Federal Court ordered it's biggest settlement to an individual in history - $28 billion dollars. Naturally an appeal is taking place so nothing is set at this stage. News of yet another flaw in the controversial legal world of hidden agendas and dirty politics must have been welcomed by a mischievous little fellow called Brian Ebden as he sat in Cape Town, pressured by the sometime life hardships such as losing a company or having one be placed under curatorship. Two weeks later, his fiancé, Nadia Abrahams, goes out for a few drinks with some friends. Her history is about as hazy Paul Gascoigne's academic career - some sources say she is both kind and friendly as well as being normal and down to earth. Others are not so flattering; she flirts when she has too much to drink, she gets a bit crazy when she goes out and here, well, here's the big one; SHE LIKES OLDER GUYS. So this cocktail of personality traits is sitting in a well-known jazz cafe when someone distantly familiar walks in. An immediate face - not Heinz Winky or that silly ass in the Bioplus advert - but someone who is really famous in the 'achievements' category. That's the amazing thing about starfuckers - they'll run up to one of the Idols contestants or Popstar embarrassments, but they won't even notice when Van Morrison props himself up at the bar next to them and orders a Guinness. Instead of, 'Oh my God, it's one of the all time musical geniuses,' it will be more like, 'Who ordered a mini - cab?' Anyways, this gentleman arrives with a small group of folk who order a few drinks and chat politely with some other patrons. During the course of the evening, Sir Alex Ferguson (for that being who he is), is introduced to our lady in question. Having had a few drinks (six, to be precise), she swaps some tipsy idle banter with Sir Alex. On lookers reported later that she was 'flirting' with him - that she had had too much to drink and that her dancing was 'sexy'. Sir Alex decides to leave and she offers him a lift to his hotel. Some things do not bear much telling; better to imagine. Nadia recognizing Sir Alex, the approach and the given, (high pitched voice) 'Ahv'e gota ManU shert y'know?' This is where the Manchester United guru made the first of two mistakes in the evening; accepting a lift home from a woman whom waitresses labeled, 'a drunken harlot'. Surely, years of public exposure would have hardened him to the pitfalls of celebrity status? Need-less to say, the lift which was meant to be a two minute jaunt from Mannenberg's Jazz Café to his hotel in Camps Bay have turned into a media-frenzied attack of allegation and denial. The truth about what really happened in that car as it made it's way toward the Bay Hotel are unclear and sadly, only known to two individuals. 'A repeated squeezing of the thigh,' or the suggestion of, 'you were the sexiest girl in the club tonight - come and have a coffee with me in my hotel room,' are the two statements that lie in the charge against him for indecent assault, made at The Camps Bay police station in the early hours of Saturday morning. The offer of a coffee is highly questionable: Why on earth would a man invite a young woman into his hotel room when his wife (of 36 years) was asleep in the bed? Unless he studied at the same university as Hershelle Gibbs, that accusation is preposterous. The hand on the thigh? Well, although I'm not convinced, I am prepared to accept the possibility of it being at this point where Sir Alex may have made his second mistake. Enter our little buddy Brian Ebden. At 42, he is twice Nadia's age. Although his marketing company experienced financial difficulties (June 2000), it does not seem to have stunted his lifestyle of flashy cars and expensive clothing. They press charges, the media smell the blood and the next minute, Sir Alex is a pervert. And whilst our media are digesting the information, buddy Brian is on the phone to England, not trying to lay a complaint with his employers (Manchester United), but negotiating a price with a tabloid for her story. The Sunday Times reported that the story was bought for £75,000.00 - in the space of an hour. That's over R1, 000.000 - one has to ask whether she'll see any of that nasty loot (judging by the feckless behaviour of Brian, I think not). This is where it gets serious. Brian Ebden is quoted as saying, 'Europeans have been coming to South Africa for 350 years, fondling our women and behaving badly.' Our women? And we don't behave like that in Italy or Spain? Half the joy of an exotic foreign location is the women and we, as South Africans, are the last people in the world to start pointing fingers. Granted, one does get slightly irritated with wealthy British aristocrats running around Caprice pinching every bum they see and talking like they have a mouthful of nuts, but all one needs to do is tell them to piss off. It's like that in any country - and South African men certainly do not own South African women, if that's what that statement had hidden. What we have here is a gutter businessman - an opportunist or a free-baser - who jumped on a wagon and sifted through piles of shit. It is the principle of making money in this way that is deplorable - something the English and Americans have perfected and at that, a route that we would never want our media to follow (it's bad enough having YOU or The Sunday Metro). Our economy is inconsistent, unlike the States or Britain. The impact a bomb going off in Camps Bay or prisoners escaping has on our potential to host foreigners is devastating - our intention to market this country as a top tourist destination has been compromised before (Incidentally, I love that cartoon in which Tony Leon whispers to Yasser Arafat, 'If I have a word with my people in Tel-Aviv, will you have a word with yours in Cape Town?) Celebrities like Cape Town and South Africa for various reasons. Cape Town, during summer, is buzzing with beautiful people, amazing weather and impressive nightlife. Perhaps the biggest asset here though is the relaxed approach our media has - Tom Cruise and Madonna are spotted in Rhodes House yet there is no paparazzi polluting the pavements or opportunists pouring a drink at the bottom of the staircase with dollar signs in their eyes, waiting to be knocked over. It is important that the attitude reflected here remains; we like having these people in our country - they like coming here. 'Give credit where credit is due.' One cannot ignore the laurels of Sir. Alex. Universally, he has been a tremendous asset to the United Kingdom and the game of football in general. As a manager, he has displayed incredible integrity in nurturing the talents of Roy Keene, Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes. The role that he has played in David Beckham's life comes down to this; if there had never been a man called Alex Ferguson, there never would have been a movie called, 'Bend it like Beckham.' Nuff said. So our naughty little Brian has failed miserably and maybe at a cost to everyone. He has single-handedly destroyed the reputation of his fiancé (he quoted her a calling Sir Alex a 'fossilized bat') and embarrassed the office of the public prosecutor and the people Cape Town (these calls of, 'We'll have him, here or in England,' are about as effective as me telling the ANC I will ban dancing when I become President). What he was trying to do here is unclear - maybe he saw the incident as an attractive opportunity to humiliate himself in public and ruin his credibility? In that case, nice one Brian. However, if he subscribes to the theory that 'any publicity is good publicity', he should take a look at another opinionated fellow South African, Eben Jansen, former sports editor for etv. His unprofessional manner of covering the incident is a disgrace to South African journalism - for his sins, he received no less than he deserved - suspension and hopefully, sacking. In his opinion, he sees himself as, quote, 'a natural'. Correct, only if he wasn't talking about his career, because Mr. Jansen is a natural - a natural bloody idiot. Sir Alex, we are not all like this. Please excuse our mindless (bored) minority and return. We enjoy having you here. It is said that a desperate man is a dangerous man. If Brian Ebden ever wants my new tennis ball and sport sock business, he is going to have to work very hard to convince me otherwise.

Simon Reader is a producer and consultant for a South African communications company. He intends to complete his first novel within the next year.The views of the writer are his own and may not be supported by the website- Editor

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