I'm FINE with these shots of the chick that stops George Clooney from crying himself to sleep at night - Sarah Larson. They feature the all important "Dimples of Venus."
But these pics aren't of her in the bedroom... so I think it would be rude to end the story there without commenting on the fact that she is also a FUCKING LUNATIC!
VERY NICE, George! You've got a real wildcat on your hands! But I'm not sure if you should settle down with this one. I don't know. I just don't know if that's what you're looking for.
You could train her, I suppose. I'd recommend the "handbag trick."
You know the one - you buy her a Louis Vuitton bag, but you cut it in half and give her the one half. Then you tell her that you'll see if her adult dinner-table conversation improves and maybe, just MAYBE, you'll give her the other half at the end of the year.
As long as the C and K words keep coming out of your mouth, you're gonna have to make do with hiding the open side of that half-a-bag with that half-a-pashmina I gave you, my baby..
Today went pretty much nowhere. I went for a meeting in Constantia and never came back until now, 14h47. Not a bad Monday. I popped into Forries to feel the vibe before the UCT vs Pukke clash which should have started by now (although only televised at 16h45 today on SS1) and it looked like things were heading towards what could be deemed "festive." I cruised back to Bantry Bay after three weeks in the wilderness during my Keeping it Real Tour which found me mingling with the Noordhoek and Kommetjie lot. You know, feeling the vibe and all that. Getting "down" with it and living a life of pureness and contentment unfounded in Bantry Bay and Camps Bay. Not that we're not CONTENT on this side....
I was pretty "content" for a moment on my way home as I caught sight of the elusive angel through my car window outside Vida e on Kloof Street.
Hi.
Hi.
How you?
Fine. You?
Fine.
Bye.
Bye.
Awesome! Any rumours that I have my way with women are completely and utterly fucking false. Believe me! Organising a dinner or drink with this angel is like drawing blood from a stone.
Jesus.
Anyway, it's obviously the Zimbabwe elections at the moment and God only knows how that will turn out. I'd hazard a guess that the current results showing a Mugabe defeat mean sweet fuckall. I'd, naturally, be very excited and, at the same time, fucking blown away if that result stays true for the final, official result...
Does this fellow look worried to you?
Bob Mugabe - Good times!
I found this hilarious little radio snippet of a phonecall to the Zimbabwean Embassy and thought you would enjoy it.
I'm FINE with this vibe! Taken this week at the 2008 My Cokefest, in Cape Town - this vid (taken by The Surfer) shows a particularly, umm, how do you say, ENHANCED Jared Leto from the band 30 seconds to Mars instructing his fans in the crowd to form a mosh pit. I love it. He's is basically inciting pure complete and utter fucking havoc. But the most beautiful part of it all is how he addresses them as "mother fuckers." It's FUCKING funny! Hectique, but funny nonetheless.
I encourage this kind of behaviour.
"...open up a f*cking circle RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, open that mutherf*cker up, open it up mutherf*ckers, 20 feet f*cking wide, a big f*cking circle, a big circle f*ck, a f*ucking circle mutherf*fucker, push those mutherf*ckers back....this is how we dahnce."
Hahahaha! He would have gone on to bang about five of the hottest little 16 year-olds in the audience. (Our foreign readers, particularly in the States, will be interested to learn that over here, in South Africa, that shit is legal. Not that we condone it. No. Not at all.)
Top form, Leto.
Good Charlotte also played at the festival. Band member Benji Madden's current lay, Paris Hilton was there as well.
As UCT prepare for Monday's killer FNB Varsity Cup Semi-final [permalink]
That's what he would have been if Herschelle Gibbs had chosen rugby as his career. But instead our boy went for the ball and bat. Or, in this case, a ball and chain - in Sea Point's prison cells to be precise. Not the best way to wake up on a Friday!
Ja, so Gibbs did NOT choose rugby and is therefore NOT playing for UCT in Monday'sFNB Varsity Cup semi final against Pukke. There will be another fly-half playing, and another very gifted 14 men around him, as UCT continue their charge towards winning this, the inaugural FNB Varsity Cup. (I trust they've put a handsome budget towards the creation of said cup).
Funnily enough, we actually ran into previous UCT and Springbok player, Robbie Fleck, on Sandy Bay beach the other day (don't ask).
Robbie Fleck gives the "thumbs up"
We asked him his thoughts on this upcoming clash.
Goose-bumbs:
"This is probably UCT's biggest game since we won the Grand Challenge in 19-voetsak... This is an incredibly talented team that has faced all kinds of adversity since the tournament's inception and have come out on top - both on the field.. and off. Monday's game is not just about UCT, it is about a unique brand of rugby that has captivated the public and has hopefully shown that free flowing, free spirited, intelligent running rugby is better off than backward prehistoric type which is prevalent today. This possibility of a UCT victory against Maties in the final is too much to handle and brings back the memories of yesteryear.. Classic clashes between the legendary rugby institutions and a shit load of fun being had in the stands and the pubs - mouth watering stuff"
Beautiful stuff, Rob! That's what I'm talking about! I must say I'm pretty fucking excited for Monday's game.
For those of you who aren't able to watch it live at UCT, the game is being televised and you can catch it at 14h30 on Supersport!
Incl. flights, accommodation and prime seats for two! [permalink]
Oh my God - this is too much to behold! Our friends at PlayEuroMillions have put together a competition for 2oceansvibe readers to win the trip of a lifetime to the jewel in the crown of the annual sporting calender - the 2008 Monaco Formula 1 Grand Prix.
And it's not just a trip - it's luxury all the way, baby! You'll be sipping champagne with the rich and famous - JUST like 2oceansvibe would want you to! The prize is pretty extensive, so let me break it down for you.
The Prize Monday 19th May - Arrival
Boscolo Palace - FINE!
Arrive in Nice on Monday 19th May and transfer to your hotel, the luxurious Boscolo Palace. When you enter the palatial white building on the Angels Bay you'll discover a resplendent world of refinement, exquisite taste and flawless service that will dazzle and seduce you. Our rooms are deluxe-rooms on the 5th floor, looking out over the ocean and palm trees. The rest of the week at your leisure to view this magnificent city.
The spacious rooms are decorated in sun-kissed shades of pale yellow, creamy-white and pastels with an authentic French flavour. You can relax in comfort, enjoy a movie or satellite TV, or access the internet through your in -room connection.
Friday 23rd May - Celebrity Dinner
Chill with David Coulthard at Hotel de Paris
On Friday evening our guests will congregate on the Churchill Terrace at Monaco"s exclusive Hotel de Paris for a drinks reception with David Coulthard and Allan McNish. The terrace overlooks the harbour and will offer the guests the opportunity to chat to the drivers, gleaning exclusive insight into Formula 1 and the race weekend ahead.
After drinks, an exclusive dinner will be served outdoors on the 1st floor Garnier Terrace, overlooking the world renowned Casino Square. From this stunning vantage point you can take in this absolutely unique ambience. With the intrigued "public" milling amongst the rich and famous, this is an experience that will live with you forever.
Saturday 24th and Sunday 25th May - F1 Monaco Grand Prix
Monte Carlo - Sexual
On Saturday and Sunday the racing will be viewed from our exclusive outdoor terrace at Le Saint Benoit restaurant. With stunning views over the harbour to Rascasse, the cars race beneath the terrace up from Saint Devote to Casino Square. Allan McNish, former F1 driver (Toyota and Renault) will provide a pre race briefing, highlighting what to look out for and sharing invaluable insight into the Monte Carlo street circuit.
With only a 5 minute walk to Casino Square, plasma screens throughout, private tables, one of the finest lunch menus in town, full and complimentary bar and a quite stunning ambience, there really is nowhere better to base yourself for this exhilarating weekend.
It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it? And the best thing about it is you can get as many entries as you want! I've already organised five entries for myself. Opportunities like this can't be missed!
Today, live on the 2oceansvibe online Radio Show - RIGHT HERE! [permalink]
OH
MY
GOD!!
It's an alignment of the stars like never before! Seth's birthday is falling on a THURSDAY - which HAPPENS to be 2oceansvibe's live radio show day! And that's TODAY! I know! It's mental! You can probably feel the sexual energy from where you're sitting right now. Feel your mouse. Has it got goose bumps? If so, then your mouse is fitted with a sexual microchip that allows it to feel vibes like we're throwing today. Lucky you. Enjoy it. Go on. Touch your mouse a little bit more. Then, just before the goose bumps feel like they're about to explode, give him a little double-click. AAAH YEAH!! You fucken like that?! Close the door, babe...
In today's show we are SPOILING you with two hours of nothing but pure random excitement and hysteria. Because, not only is it Seth's birthday, but we also have on the show one of the very few people that know the private Seth Rotherham. Who IS Seth Rotherham? We know he was raised as an only child amongst 1,000 antique porcelain dolls and a squadron of Yorkshire Terriers, but very few come close enough to know enough. To feel enough. To TOUCH enough.
Some just cancel..
Our guest today is a rare treat. One of 2oceansvibe's most esteemed characters, a previous Mr. 2oceansvibe winner, former UCT First XV rugby captain, eligible bachelor and home-owner.... ladies and gentlemen, I give you The People's Insurance Broker - RICHARD NEVILLE!
RICHARD NEVILLE
"The Insurance Broker"
(Get a load of this guy)
I know what you're thinking - "I've seen that clown before." Indeed you have. And what a show to have him on! With the FNB Varsity Rugby Cup semi-final clash between UCT and Pukke, just four days away (Monday 14h30 at UCT), there will be PLENCH to talk about. We will ALSO be answering your questions about the semi-final during the show.
Not that the show will be JUST about rugby. Heavens no! Our boy comes with a whole fucking bag of tricks! This is HONESTLY one of the spiciest characters I have ever come across and one of the few people that have the ability to make me laugh out loud. This is a show NOT to be missed! See you RIGHT HERE at 15h30 today - 27 March, 2008.
So there you have it.
Seth's Sexy Spicy Rugby Birthday Show!
Coming to/on you LIVE at 15h30 TODAY!
URGENTLY send questions about ANYTHING for Seth and Richard to cover in the show (chicks, rugby, guys, music, weather, astronomy, hygiene, dating, Cambodian slave children, wolverines, joysticks, anything..) to editor@2oceansvibe.com
As usual we will be taking live SKYPE phonecalls during the show - so get in touch during the show on our Skype callsign "the2oceansvibeshow."
I scroll through 2oceansvibe virtually every day. From the top to the bottom, fairly swiftly - just getting a general feel of what the fuck it IS that I actually write about. There doesn't seem to be a particular pattern at all - just drivel, really.
Oh, enjoy this. I made up a new word today. I call it "lie." It is when you don't tell the truth - then it is called a "lie" (pronounced like the word used when you are "lying" on your bed next to a supermodel). If someone doesn't tell you the truth, then they are "lying". Like if I said it is my birthday this coming Thursday the 27th, then I would be telling the truth. But if I said to you that it is my birthday on Friday, that would be a lie. What do you think of the word? I made it up today. It's my word.
Stuff like that. I don't know what the fuck that had to do with Tom Cruise. Oh yes, I remember now. I was thinking about how many untruths Tom tells the whole time and I thought to myself that I should make up a new word that we can use instead of "untruth." That's when I made up the word "lie".
Enjoy this guy pretending to be Tom Cruise ("pretending" is different to a "lie").
Hahahaha! How beautiful was that? How similar to Tom Cruise is that guy? For those of you who think it IS Tom Cruise, I assure you it is not.
Those of you who watch The Hills on television will be aware of a chick by the name of Audrina Patridge. Not? Me neither - I've never watched it, nor have I heard of her. But what I CAN tell you is that God took off a whole afternoon to design her tabs. For a guy that takes about a millisecond to create an entire human being, you can IMAGINE the kind of minute detail he went into.
I like it when he decides to give us a little treat every now and then. He's very naughty like that!
I think we're in for quite a roller coaster ride with these current Bulgarian Idols clips. Click here if you missed the one last week of the guy doing Michael Jackson - what a blessing he was.
But this week we have something quite stunning for you. In this clip, which includes subtitles, the contestant begins by confirming that she will be singing Mariah Carey's Ken Lee song. Now, fans (and even non-fans) out there will know that Mariah didn't make a song called Ken Lee.
That is why you need to watch this:
Stop it
Un be lievable!
It's like that story you MUST know about the guy in Stellenbosch who went up to the DJ and asked him to play Haasie. (Afrikaans for "a small rabbit). When the DJ told him that he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, the guy told him he MUST know it because he plays it every Friday night. The DJ asked him to sing it for him. That's when he hit him with, "Haasie, a bad moon arising."
This last week has given us an unprecedented level of smut and flesh. So before any new 2oceansvibe readers out there get the wrong idea, I simply must make mention that this current state of affairs is PURELY to do with the coincidental timing of various sex type stories; including Spitzer's whore, Macca's whore and the Kristin Davis sex tape. That's a lot of flesh in one week - something that would traditionally appeal to the guys out there. And that is why we have decided to create this "Aaah!" moment for the girls out there!
I can't for the life of me work out why someone would consciously punish themselves to this extent. One of South Africa's top nobodies, Khanyisile Mbau (who has in the past described herself as "South Africa's Paris Hilton") sat "alone with her millionaire husband Mandla Mthembu on Friday night at Fashion TV Cafe, waiting in vain to meet Paris Hilton". When asked how she felt about the non-intro, she said, "I thought it would be nice to have pictures taken of the black and the white socialite together."
Hilton with a useful orphan
Why would it be "nice," Khanyi? What is so "nice" about a picture with you? Why would anyone, let alone Paris Hilton care? She has no use for you. And what does the black and white have to do with it? You are of no significance whatsoever. Whilst you pretend to yourself that you are a part of high society, I sincerely hope this little event clearly illustrates to you that you have NO idea what you are doing and NO money in the world will be able to buy you the social (under)standing you so VERY clearly desire and lack.
Jesus, have some pride, woman.... (mouth agape).
Apparently Mbau was told to try again in June when Hilton is said to be returning to South Africa.
In other news, The Sun reports that, when asked what she thought of South Africa, Hilts responded with "I love Africa in general - South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries."
One could say there has been a trend of sorts for our girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre - the hooker that brought down the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. And no-one is happier than Joseph Francis - founder of the highly acclaimed Girls Gone Wild series, which depicts female teenagers exposing themselves on camera in public. What a brilliant concept! Jo recently had a look through his archives and found video footage of Ash when she was 17 years old! Stunning!
Go ASH! Go ASH! Go ASH!
Who would have thought that the well-bred girl in the above pic would go on to become a high class whore in New York? And not just any high class whore - according to Ash's former pimp, Jason Itzler (self proclaimed "King of All Pimps"), she had what was described as "the most beautiful vagina in New York ." New York Magazine reports that she was marketed to punters as "the girl with the magic pussy." (Seriously, I can't make this shit up).
Awesome! Let's keep that fresh in our minds as we cut to an excerpt from that Girls Gone Wild video we were chatting about.
God it's amazing how fast they grow up - to think that was just five years ago! And now....now...she's a young lady! She's grown into her head which was too big for her body at the time, and her tabs are now also in another league.
ps. It's interesting to note that the pimp mentioned earlier in this story has started a new company called DNA Diamonds which provides a matchmaking service for wealthy men and smoking hot chicks. He's quite a character - enjoy this from his website:
The owner of DNA Diamonds is also a man, and he too has overly particular tastes just like you do. You cannot hire a woman to do a man's work! Women do not rate women the same way that a man would rate a woman physically. Our agency was built by a man for extremely particular men who are seeking 8's, 9's, and 10's. At DNA Diamonds, we start with the outside and then look at the beauty that lies within.
God, we really are very spoilt! It's the Capetonians' mantra. A two-fold statement, it shows we don't take this place for granted, whilst also boasting how awesome our lives are. Very sneaky. This week was particularly ridiculous with about three days of complete glass ocean with God's tanning machine sitting in the late twenty degrees. Christ, don't you hate it when the news readers on the radio and TV refer to the "mercury" when giving the daily temperatures? Yes, twat, we're very impressed that you are aware that thermometers used to have mercury in them, but MUST you say it EVERY time? Clap clap, tool.
It reminds me of those people who CONSTANTLY refer to Australia as "down under" - Aaaargh!! God, yes, ok, good one... Every now and then is fine - but, again, MUST YOU SAY IT EVERY TIME?
Morons.
Jeez (pointing), what's that over there?!?!
(Moron turns to look).
Gun to the head - BOOM!
(Moron falls to the floor).
Hah, I think I know a little boy heading "down under" HIMSHELF!!
So anyway (Angry Seth has gone now and Sexual Seth is back), enjoy this video taken this week whilst cruising the Camps Bay Strip in Cape Town, passed the likes of Caprice and Vida e. The soundtrack features a song I gave toPrince many years ago called "Raspberry Beret" which was about this chick I saved from Russia's Red Army (hence the reference to the red beret). Being lower class, she would submit to me and I was able to train her to do things like bow when I walked into a room. Being Russian, she was pretty fucking hot. I was pleased. In return, she was able to enjoy the deeper, more private Seth; as well as chilled afternoons in The Safe House reading magazines naked on the sofa. It was win/win for both of us.
She was cool. Come to think of it, I can't for the life of me remember where I dumped her body. Whoops. Bad Seth!
Check the video - it's tit!
Apologies for the higher than usual levels of blasphamy in this article. But, you know, it's Easter weekend. Isn't that what it's all about?
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
20 March , 2008
BULGARIAN IDOLS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Stop EVERYTHING that you are doing and look at this [permalink]
Just take a deep breath, sit back and open your mouth. Allow your eyes to pop out of your head naturally.
All I can say it the Idols contestants in Bulgaria are riding with their shit off safety.
Don't laugh.
Howz that guy's vibe!? Jesus! And the way he keeps dancing at the end whilst they're talking! Whaaah! He's incredible!
They should make little keyrings of him with a battery inside and every time you squeeze his tummy he goes, "shamon, shamon, egg it on me. ALRIIIIGHT!"
To cut a long anus short, the hospital mixed up two patients.
According to the article, it happened in Bavaria and the woman (with new nought et al) is now trying to sue the hospital.
Fair enough.
Oh, and she hasn't had the leg op yet. She's looking for another hospital to have that done.
Good idea. I think enough damage is done. The last thing you want is to tempt fate and come out of the hospital talking out of a penis that's welded to your eyeball.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
2oceansvibe character and international heart throb, Richard Hardiman the fucking party man is kicking is hard, not soft, TONIGHT at Hemisphere! If you're in the hood I SUGGEST you make a turn. The last party Harders did there resulted in a chick to guy ratio of five to one. No spice. Virtually everyone came right.
For Moses and the all the animals in the ark [permalink]
When Jesus turned into Moses and did that whole vibe with all the animals on the boat called "Easter" and parted the sea between Clifton Third and Fourth beaches, he probably didn't realise what a big deal we would be making about it today.
So we tried to get Moses on the show and it was quite tricky because a mutual friend of ours, Noah, told us that Moses was pissed off that one of the animals on the boat, a rabbit, had managed to take all the glory. That's fair enough, the Easter Bunny is quite a big deal around here - PARTICULARLY on the Atlantic Seaboard where everyone enjoys a bit of fluff.
So then we tried to get in touch with the Easter Bunny which led to a very emotional phone call with my mother. Now, I hate to break it you folks out there, but I've been privy to some very sensitive information. And as your more important news source I feel it is my job to break it to you:
The Easter Bunny doesn't fucking exist!
The "Easter Bunny"
(looks like a drawing to me)
I know. I know. This is hard for eveyone..
Come here and give me a hug.
Shhhh. Shhhh. Don't cry.
[I have you tight in my arms now, with your head squashed against my chest as you sob, uncontrollably, shouting out questions as drool and tears flow down your face]
"WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO ANYONE!!!!" you shriek, as I continue to rock you from side to side..
"Shhhh...shhhh....I know.... I know..he didn't do anything to anyone.."
"THEN WHY DID THEY KILL HIIIIMMMM?!?!?!?" you scream hysterically.
"They didn't kill him my baby, he never existed in the first place.."
Your crying dies down as my grip on you loosens. You look up at me. Your face is red and is a complete mess with snot and tears all over the show. I wipe some tears under your eye with my cardigan, careful not to let it get into contact with any snot.
"He never existed?" you ask, sniffing, adorably.
"No my darling. The Easter Bunny is bullshit, my mum just told me on the phone." I continue to rock you back and forth as I kiss you on the head.
"And...and...what about Father Christmas?" you ask, with a worried look in your eye - obviously referring to last Christmas where I dressed up as Santa Claus to keep the dream alive for you.
"Of course he's real, my darling," I whisper. "It's physically impossible to give blow jobs to people that don't exist."
"That's true," you admit, smiling....."
"There there"...I pat your back, still rocking you back and forth.
"AND I swallowed!" your eyes light up.
I press you against the wall.
"Exactly my angel! Then he MUST exist!"
__________________________________
And so we end off with a beautiful scene from The Breakup where the whole family was celebrating Easter.
ps. I know they weren't celebrating Easter in that clip. But it doesn't matter. No-one gives a fuck.
Oh, and also, sorry about today's show - Telkom have actually let us down and the line that sends out the show is fucked and will only be fixed by this evening.
As we fine-tune our rules and regulations [permalink]
I've chatted about my Butlers Pizza experiences before. There have been stacks. There was the Ed incident and then, of course, you might remember the report on Dave. But since then there haven't been too many altercations.
Until quite recently..
Two weeks ago I made my weekly Sunday night Butlers pizza order. It's pretty basic stuff.
The chick answered the phone:
"Butlers Pizza!"
"Hi, can I order a pizza please," I muttered, wondering what else people might be phoning them for. "
It sounded like she was able to help me with that particular request - "Yes, sure! What would you like on your pizza?" she asked, excitedly.
Give it to me.
I want it inside me..
"Umm, can I have a large bacon, salami, feta, garlic - on a thin base please." (I always order a large so that I can eat the left overs the next day - one of life's greater pleasures.)
"Certainly! Anything else?"
"Yes please. One Coca-Cola and one Appletizer please."
"Sure! Anything else?"
"How about a verse from Killing Me Softly?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing."
"Ok, is that all?"
"What are you wearing?"
"Excuse me?"
"No, nothing. Umm, is it true that there is a special code word I can give you to put SPECIAL mushrooms on my pizza"
"No, there is not a special code word. IS THAT ALL, SIR?" she was getting testy.
"Yes, angel pie, that is all!" I gave her my number and details.
"Oh, and.. one more thing..." I yelped.
She interrupted me, exhausted...
"YES, we KNOW that you ONLY want a Butler with over 1,000 missions to bring the pizza!"
"Very good, my angel. Bye bye now"
50 minutes went by, in which time I had consumed two joints and half a bottle of Jamesons. I called the angel back.
"Umm, what in God's name is going on," I spluttered.
"We apologise, Sir. The driver's car that was bringing your pizza has broken down. I'm really sorry about that! We are making you a brand new fresh pizza, free of charge, and someone else will be bringing it right away!"
"Oh.... very interesting!" I exclaimed, patronisingly. "And can I ask you one question?"
"Yes, Sir, anything," she replied, on the back foot.
"How many MISSIONS was our boy in the broken down car on when his car broke down?"
She answered immediately, almost expecting the question.. "He was on mission number 1,435."
"Oooh REAAAALLY!? Well, then I think it's QUITE obvious what needs to be done here!" I slurred. "If these guys can't handle a delivery with 1,435 missions under the belt then we're going to HAVE TO increase the minimum number of mission for deliveries to The Safe House! Don't you agree?"
"Umm, I guess...." she replied, acutely aware that she was dealing with a drunken mad man.
"2,000 MISSIONS IS MY NEW MINUMUM! OK! YOU GOT THAT? TELL EVERYONE! MAKE SURE THERE IS A NOTE THERE. 2,000 MISSIONS - OK?"
"Yes, Sir. That's been done," she replied, squirming.
"Good! Chrrrrist!" I spat as I slammed down the phone.
The pizza came. It was good. As always. The butler was well behaved. He even knew the rule about leaving his shoes outside the front door. They sent me William who has done about 6,000 missions.
Nothing went wrong - OBVIOUSLY - he's a fucken pro.
That's the last time they send a child to do a man's job.
SA's top hard core comedian, Cokey Falkow, is performing live TONIGHT at The Assembly, Harrington Street, Cape Town.
As one of the 2oceansvibe Characters (The Comedian) Cokey is vouched for to the highest degree by 2oceansvibe. We've written about his shows in the past and, if you've never seen him before, he'll blow your fucking head off - trust me. He's seen a lot and he'll tell you about it. This is a sharp, rude man. He drives a Harley, has a drinking problem and fucks European supermodels - the whole time - often on the Harley. From behind. WHILST driving.
Who else would you want to entertain you?
Fuck you, you fucking fuck
I called Cokey to ask if there was anything he wanted to say to the fans before the show. He was half asleep and AC/DC was playing in the background. I good hear some chicks laughing as well.
"Tell them to go fuck themselves," he said, before hanging up.
Nice.
TONIGHT, 9pm, The Assembly (Buy tickets, wank over Cokey's photo etc.)
You can buy tickets at the door.
See you there.
Click here to check out the past 2oceansvibe radio show recordings, featuring a download of the show we did with Cokey.
We're focusing on the guys this morning as I present this wonderful video of how yoga SHOULD be performed.
This is the kind of shit they should get at The Point Virgin Active gym. Something I can watch during my bi-weekly treadmill sessions. At the moment I have to make do with the redhead twins. Not that it's the end of the world. They're tight - but I would prefer a little bit more exposure..
And welcome to another Tuesday Tabs! Keeping with the current theme of cheating spouses (ow shaiya Spitzer) and marriages falling apart (ow shaiya McCartney), I thought it pertinent to feature someone who boned a married man and nearly wrecked a marriage - Rebecca Loos - the woman who nearly brought down the House of Beckham.
Fair enough - let's face it, she's packing!
I can understand David Beckham's vibe. He probably came home from a hard day of training and had Victowia on the phone, WHINGING about some fashion show that he HAD to attend, even though he didn't feel like it. Then the Spanish personal assistant walked into the room and that was that. It was bad timing on her part - that's all.
"Ok, honey. I apologise. Yeah. Aha. no, really, I'm sorry.... it's my fault. No, I mean it. I apologise..."
[click]
BANG! Loos is bent over the table like main course.
"Oh, Mr. Beckham! We shouldn't be doing this! Tee hee!" As she holds his ass with her one hand and sms's her mates with the other.
It's just bad timing.
Chicks shouldn't moan to their hubbies and boyfriends on the phone. 'Cos they don't know where he is or what's around him at the time. It's a fuck-you mechanism and the only way to avoid it is for chicks to NEVER EVER whinge on the phone.
Check this out before you sign anything [permalink]
I was having a fight with Nedbank this morning when a buddy stopped by 2oceansvibe HQ to visit. I put down the phone, ate a Calmette and had a little rant. He mentioned a website he had found whilst looking for a currency converter, and said I should check it out.
On the credit cards side ALONE they have over 64 options, varying MASSIVELY in interest rates and charges! I had no idea they varied so much!
The justmoney.co.za really is a monster - but not in a messy way. It is so neat and tidy and includes guides and financial tips, including Financial Health Check, Budget Planner, Tax Calculator and a handy Jargon Buster for helping you wade through the financial bullshit that we're dealt on a daily basis.
There is even a layman's translation of the NCA (National Credit Act). Thank God - there I was thinking it was something to do with the Americans embracing cricket as a national sport!
It's been a while since we had a decent celeb sex tape doing the rounds. And what better way to get back into the swing of things than a tape made by one of the Sex And The City stars!
Kristin Davis is very naughty
Kristin Davis, who plays the character Charlotte York, seems to have Miss Laid a homemade flick she filmed with a man with a penis. The video itself is not doing the rounds yet, but a screen shot from the vid has made its way to 2oceansvibe.
Judging from the pic, all I can say is that this chick is RAD! Her look of playfulness and excitement is just too adorable to behold. She enjoys it so much - look at that cheeky little smile. Ooh she is naughty! But she is nerdy at the same time. She's a cute nerd and no-one plays better in bed than a cute nerd.
As court awards a payout of £24.3 million [permalink]
Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, has been awarded a divorce payout of close to R400 million (£24.3 million) . If you think back to last Friday, that's virtually the same amount of money that was riding on the PlayEuroMillions lottery! I'd say that Heather, the ex-high-class-prostitute, has done pretty well!
"It states that Mills had been seeking an award of almost £125m, whereas Sir Paul had offered just £15.8m.
The £16.5m lump sum awarded to Heather was calculated on the basis of £600,000 a year to provide for her needs - payable as a lump sum of £14m, plus £2.5m to buy a house in London.
On top of this Sir Paul will pay £35,000 a year directly to their daughter Beatrice, plus her school fees and nanny."
The best thing for me about this whole thing is how Heather tried to turn the press on Paul McCartney. That's Paul McCartney, my darling. That's MACCA! He's a part of the very fabric of British society. He is just as established as the Union Jack. Are you mad?! The only reason the pictures of Heather's previous life as a soft porn star were hidden for so long was because of Macca. But then, when she pissed him off and divorce was looming - THAT'S when they came out. Because the press protect Beatles over there, my love. They don't protect ex-prostitutes.
Here we see a pic of Heather from her previous life. PLEASE be WARNED, this pic is INCREDIBLY NSFW! It is a little bit more than what you see below.
Mind your eyes - it gets a bit nasty..
Heather Mills. Just chilling. (Be very careful with this pic)
Paul, obviously exhausted following this ongoing affair, was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again.
To which he replied, "Come on boys. You're talking about the mother of my child here. Please refer to her by her name, Heather."
The Advertising Guy sends me loads of stories about parties and meetings and shoots he attends with some of the big names in L.A. Movie stars, singers, models and the rest of the gang - all wanting a piece of the madness. He takes it in his stride and hardly ever reports back to me, unless it is someone truly big. But "big" in our books, doesn't mean "box office big." We've been down that road - we've played with that bunch, but it's too obvious. By "big," we mean "niche big." Like The Hoff. Or, in this case.... Vanilla Ice! A.K.A. Rob Van Winkle.
Honestly, The Advertising Guy wouldn't even email me, let alone call me if he was hanging with your basic Hollywood A-lister, but the other night I got a call from him in a STATE! This time he was in Vegas.
"Jesus bru! You will not fucking believe who I am drinking with right now!"
"Who....," I replied, bored. "Damon? Farrell?"
"No bru. VANILLA FUCKING ICE!"
"Don't talk shit!" I yelped.
"Swear to God, bru! I just had a beer with him"
"Whatever. Either you get him on the phone or you send a photograph ASAP!"
I didn't expect it to happen and certainly didn't expect it right that moment sent from his phone. It's too beautiful..
The Advertising Guy and Vanilla Ice
Stop it now..
Something obviously grabbed a hold of The Advertising Guy tightly. Try to ignore the incredibly amazing expression on his face and rather enjoy the beauty that is Vanilla Ice. Check his beard! Check his skew cap. And check his nice-guy smile! Awesome! And those tats! Christ! "O-P-E-N" on his fist - it's too much! In a weird way I want Vanilla's children inside me.
I congratulated our boy on a job well done and expected a full report in the morning. As I thought, Ice has turned into a bit of a celeb's celeb - even the big names get a hard-on when they see him. This is what I got:
"Well, it was too much, VIP section at a party in Vegas. Celebs everywhere, but one far more awesome than all the others. I spotted him from across the room, in all his glory. Could that be him? Holy shit it was! The great "Vanilla Ice". I know...the very sound of his name sends a tingle down my spine and brings back a flood of memories. It had been years since he'd crossed my mind. He was beautiful back in the day, dance moves, hair, wardrobe, lyrics, the full package, and them baam, gone forever. Until now...
I made my way over to the legend and chatted for a bit, nothing serious, small hug, how you doing, where you from, obviously asked him if I could get a picture for my boys back home. Lovely chap, friendly and very normal. As you can see he’s been in the gym since we last saw him, also hit the odd tattoo parlor.
He was the centre of attention. He was surrounded by partygirls, entourage, people coming in left and right for a high five and a little Vanilla love. Nothing like a walk down memory lane. It’s been 17 years since he rocked our world. I got a strong sense that the world is ready to re-embrace a true legend. Spotted guys like Tommy Lee, Dave Navarro and Ice T chatting to the legend and even taking down his cell number, no spice.
The man is a “celebs celeb.” Confirmed…fact. I know this is a bold statement but he’s reached “celebs celeb” status. As you know this is a very elite club that only a few of the greatest humans ever to walk the earth belong to. A “celebs celeb” is someone so special that other celebs are in awe of them. Someone that has impacted society so severely that merely being in their presence elevates you to another level.
Yup, it's too beautiful! He has managed to invert himself and, like The TBG, has created an aura (albeit man-made). He's not on an "A" or "B" list. He's above that. And, no matter what you say or think of him - he'll ALWAYS have Ice Ice Baby.
Click HERE for Vanilla's Wiki page - it's an out of control roller-coaster ride of fame, money, greed and power - including the alleged story of when Suge Knight dangled him over a balcony until he signed over the rights to Ice Ice Baby. Stunning! There have been a number of spoofs made of this encounter - namely Vince Vaughan in the movie Be Cool and Johnny Drama in Entourage.
As 2oceansvibe favourite makes it to the finals [permalink]
I'm pleased to announce that 2oceansvibe's favourite new blog, Baglett, has made it through the nomination process and has reached the finals of the 2008 Blog Awards! Awesome! If you haven't read Baglett's stuff before then you are punishing yourself!
As I said before; having *cough* won seven awards in the first two years, 2oceansvibe is not interested in competing in the awards and we would rather spend our efforts getting you to vote for someone who would derive more encouragement from a victory.
Baglett is up for Best New Blog, Best Original Writing, Most Humorous Blog and Best Undiscovered Blog.
Clicking the following image and link will take you to the page to vote. Baglett's entries will be pre-selected and you can vote for any other blogs in other categories (other faves of ours include Nadoes, Shaun Oakes and Jonty Fisher (politics)) before you enter your email address (at the bottom of the page) and submit your vote.
So please go ahead and CLICK HERE to go to that page and vote.
REMEMBER to scroll down to the bottom of that page and fill in your email address and security code and then click SUBMIT VOTE. You will be sent an email - YOU MUST CLICK THE LINK IN THE EMAIL FOR YOUR VOTE TO BE COMPLETE.
Don't balls this up - it's very easy.
Go there now - then it's done. Good things will happen to you and you will feel a warm vibe consuming your body. It's nice. You'll like it.
As the Rand/Pound exchange rate gets sexual [permalink]
Wow! I wasn't taking this week's PlayEuroMillions lottery too seriously, until I took note of the exchange rate - 1 Pound is currently buying the boys R16.10 - Hectique! So basically that means that today's lottery is standing at R340,000,000. Another way to say that is "three hundred and forty BARS." That's a fuckload of money. I also like it written like this, R340 million.
Although it's not as high as the previous jackpots, it is still over the quarter of a billion mark, which is the point at which you'll get my attention. There are quite a few things one can buy with that kind of loot. Not LEAST of which is just under 15 thousand hours (@ $3,000 an hour) with New York governor Eliot Spitzer's hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Nice!
But on a serious note (you weren't being serious back there?), I'll probably have to buy something immediately. Something cheap, but just something to relax me, before I start looking at jets and shit. Like this property I found on the Dogon Group website in Bakoven, just next to Camps Bay. Right on the beach - this is a big deal. It's R45 million. Please man - I'll piss on that!
We've chatted before about the other toys that we'll be getting. Whilst the jackpot is not a BILLION Rand, it's still enough to do the Sikorsky S-76C++ helicopter and a share in a brand new private jet. You can also buy an island if you want. That's if you have enough time after all the entertaining you'll be doing for all of your new friends who love you for who you are. Beautiful angels everywhere, laughing hysterically at the simplest of jokes spilling out your mouth with every gulp of Dom.
God, you are a legend! Look at you! Everybody LOVES you!
Let's CELEBRATE!
I'm in. I've just bought ten tickets and I will EAT a yacht when I'm done.
You should be fairly clued up by now on New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer's resignation, following his being busted for banging high class prostitutes. I didn't report on it because I was waiting for her to be identified. I mean, how can we judge him until we've seen how hot the whore was?
Eliot Spitzer
Probably lying about the size of his cock
I'm pleased to report that this whole mess he is in was DEFINITELY worth it! Weighing in at 22 years of age, her name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre and she is a fucking smoker! What's more, she has an uncanny resemblance to one of 2oceansvibe's favourites, Claire Forlani! If you don't know who she is, she was the chick in Meet Joe Black and can be seen HERE in a "piece" I wrote two years ago.
Nice work, Eliot - you old dog!
Ashley Alexandra Dupre
Claire Forlani lookalike
Her tabs are FINE!
So there you go! That's what $3,000 buys you these days.
If it were up to me as to what his punishment should be, I would CERTAINLY have to include the most mitigating of all circumstances - how hot was the whore in question?
In this case Eliot should really get off scot-free. What's more, he should be celebrated.
That's right, baby! Oh yes - right here - LIVE! [permalink]
God, what a pleasure to be setting up a show with James Stewart! As one of South Africa's foremost singer/songwriter/producer's, James also happens to be a good friend of 2oceansvibe. He has the "vibe", as we say.
Or, as my some of my friends like to call it, "le vibe."
Which friends?
Friends of mine from France.
Every time I mention James on 2oceansvibe I always say that he needs no introduction, which he certainly doesn't. But for some of you out there who live inside a vacuum cleaner, lemmie just give you a little heads up. James has had a fuck load of hits spanning DECADES (not that he's too old - there just HAPPENED to be two decade changes during his career!); they've been coming since his days as lead singer of The Usual (with the ever-present hit "The Shape That I'm In") all the way to present day, including his massive current hit "Shine" which plays everywhere you go from radio to TV. James Stewart, ladies and gentlemen, is the real deal.
Or, as my friends like to call it, "le real deal."
Which friends?
Friends of mine from France.
James Stewart
He looks 20. But he's not.
Today's show will also feature our boy's recently released single, "My Beautiful Mistake" which is one of my poysonal favourites. The timing is great as I have been pulling off some BEAUTIFUL mistakes of my own lately and now find myself very nicely positioned in the middle of a shit storm.
Why can't you just kiss cute nerdy chicks these days? Why can't it be simple? Why MUST it turn into a drama? Jesus.
So anyways, der I was with dis broad all ova my schtick. So I sez to her, "YO! COOKS! Why don'cha get Daddy Cool a BREWSKIE - I'm fucken swettin' my ASS off heeeere!" So you know what dis dame sez to me? She sez, "Daddy Cool would be a lot cooler if he spent more time in da gym!" Can you believe dat shit! So I told her to stick the beer up her fucken ass and hold out her thumb 'cos Daddy's flying SOLO taNITE!
Sorry about that, I just slipped into character. But seriously, back to the single, "Beautiful Mistake," - if you haven't heard it on radio or bought the CD then do yourself a favour and get the single now. Simply sms 'james' plus your email address to 36100 and it will be emailed to you. Yup, it's THAT simple!
Thursday 15h30 (SA time)
So we'll see you right here TODAY at 15h30 (SA time) my friends, where we will spend over an hour with James Stewart. Trust me it'll be loads of fun - James and I go waaay back and we play very nicely together!
Loads of prizes and shit for everyone. Don't forget to email in any questions for James to editor@2oceansvibe.com
Live Skype calls will occur during the show so drop us a call. Our Skype callsign is "the2oceansvibeshow" - can't be easier than that.
I haven't heard Darren Scott's name uttered for quite some time. Understandable, as I don't dwell in whatever town's university campus radio he probably works at. The last I remember was his show on some station where he was referred to as "Just Plain Darren." Incredible - he even used to answer the phone, "Hello, Just Plain...."
Quite a vibe.
Anyway, I did a little search for our boy and it looks like things are going well - the top ranking link on Google, following a search for his full name brings up his profile on the All Africa Poker website.
Nice.
But more to the point of this article is a fairly remarkable video I found. Here we see Darren Scott (at 45 years of age) rubbing Stroh Rum into his hair and head, and then lighting it - effectively setting fire to his whole head. Lee-Ann Liebenschtein and Kurt Darren SHRIEK with delight as Ed Jordan from Deal or No Deal pours water on Scott's head.
Wow, what a fun day! If anyone out there wants to make a fortune, open a shop that sells coat stands and trestle tables. I was looking for a trestle table a while back and the only place that had them was Loft Living (Top of Kloof Street). I found that out having already penned my suicide note - minutes away from blowing my head off. Well done Loft Living. The two trestle tables are now proudly featured in the 2oceansvibe Show Studio.
The last two days has been all about the coat stand. There are none in Cape Town. And DESCRIBING to shop assistants over the phone about what you MEAN by a "coat stand" is like drawing blood from a fucking stone!
"A coast man?"
"No, no, a COAT.... STAND!"
"A coke stand?!"
"Yes! A Coke Stand. I want a coke stand! NO YOU FUCKING TOOL! NOT A COKE STAND! COAT!. A COAT. LIKE A JACKET! A FUCKING ANORAK. CHRIST! Where are you FROM?!"
Needless to say Tafelberg Furnishers got the brief completely wrong and when I got there it was so close, yet SO FAR! I can only compare it to mistaking a weber for a microwave.
I found a coat stand. A metal one. At the antique store opposite Loft Living.
I bought it.
Christ, I wasn't going to risk never finding one again!
That has absolutely nothing to do with today's Tuesday Tabs choice - Madonna!
As the industrial vessel juggling continues [permalink]
I don't know what the muff is going on here, but this picture taken last week shows an oil rig next to the LPG vessel. You might recall that the Oros Man's wet dream is going into its THIRD MONTH parked directly in front of Sea Point/Bantry Bay.
Fillerup unleaded, Boss
We first discussed the ship with the four orange tits in early January. Feedback from readers and the public at large (been dying to use "the public at large" for a while) informed us that the ship is known as a LPG vessel. A month later the vessel was STILL parked in the same place, as we learnt that it was a potential terrorist threat - risking the lives of the tens of thousands of 70+ year-old Jewish women in boob-tubes and their blind Yorkshire Terriers who populate every nook and cranny of Sea Point.
Since then we received word from a ship expert who works in the harbour, informing us that this particular vessel was not carrying the same hazardous matter as reported and was therefore not a terrorist threat.
And then we see an oil rig pull up next to the LPG vessel.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON PEOPLE?
Have we struck oil off Sea Point?
Is the oil rig filling up the LPG so it can finally make it into the harbour?
How much longer will this effing vessel be parked there? Do you realise that it will soon be a QUARTER of a year? What does it COST?
How do the crew on the ship cope with being parked in front of the world's most beautiful city without being able to touch it?
Is it a coincidence that with a pair of binoculars the crew have a direct view of the skanks and whores on the Green Point strip? Pre-selection for when they come to shore, perhaps?
And lastly, regarding this "LPG Vessel", when is it leaving?
Seriously, when is it fucking leaving?
When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving? When is it leaving!!!!
UPDATE:
The LPG vessel has left. It set sail for Nigeria on Sunday.
Wow, it's amazing what you miss when you spend a day in Claremont!
LPG's, oil rigs, Nigeria.... it's all a bit much..
Is coincidentally the most empty restaurant in Cavendish [permalink]
I'm spending a bit of time in Claremont today - getting back to my roots and all that. I dropped off my car at Hannibal's car wash and sauntered into Cavendish Square to find a little spot to write you something titillating; something completely different to what I am writing about now. I wandered around, looking for somewhere not too obvious and away from the madding crowds of suburbia. I knew exactly where to go - the restaurant where Scoozi's used to be. It's ALWAYS failed and it's ALWAYS empty - no matter WHAT the name or who owns it. Perfect for a spot of work and some peace and quiet.
True as God, there it stood - as empty as a priest's conscience.
Welcome to Mombasa Cafe!
Mombasa Cafe - you can hear crickets in the background
Not that I was going to judge them for being empty. The only waiter in the establishment welcomed me as I chose a seat, suggesting he brings me a lime and soda with the menu.
I opened up my divine little Sony Vaio laptop as the drink arrived.
My SHOCKING toasted chicken mayonnaise experience at the Kelvin Grove pool on Friday (where I chilled before getting ready to watch Rupert Mellor and the Thunderbirds in the Kelvin Grove ballroom) had left me yearning for a decent variation, so I gave my order to the waiter.
"Toasted chicken mayo on wholewheat please with chips. Please also bring some cheap white vinegar, Tabasco sauce and a Hansa" (They didn't have Jack Black).
"Heh heh," he laughed nervously. "Can we make you some fresh chilli?"
"Yes," I said. "I won't use it but I want you to make it as punishment."
Off he went to put in the order, as I decided to write this article. The beer never arrived as our boy fucked off out of the restaurant for over 10 minutes. I kept an eye on the bar to see when the beer would appear so that I could fetch it myself.
Freak Show came back and I asked him how the beer was looking. "Oh shit" came the reply as he sprinted to the till, realising he had forgotten to put the beer order in. Bearing in mind that I was and STILL AM the only person in the restaurant. WHAT a fucking knob-end!
He brought the beer and the food which was fine, I suppose.
Whilst I was eating I heard a discussion between him and the barman where he mentioned, somewhat surprised, that La Scala and MOST of the other restaurants in Cavendish Square were full.
Yes, my love, they are full.
And I am still the only person in your restaurant.
I wonder why.
I'm not saying the reason is because you don't have Tabasco sauce - but I'm quite sure it's helping your quest for zero turnover.
More than enough reason to attempt suicide [permalink]
I must admit I was very shocked when I heard about Owen Wilson's suicide. Why would a guy who had everything going for him do something like that? What could possibly drive him over the edge?
This recent pic (taken last week) of Kate Hudson's ass (who axed him before he tried to kill himself) brings a lot of clarity to the conundrum.
Very mnandi
Never underestimate the power of an angel with the ass of a 10 year old boy.
I don't know, I've been smoking Judah's latest offering - "Northern Lights," which he promises is even better hydroponics than we had last month. I don't know for sure if it's better because I'm mixing it with some of the finest DeGrendal sav blanco I could get my hands on. Either way, the result is fucking superb; to the point that I have been obsessing over "In your Room" by The Bangles for most of Sunday morning.
It's been playing over and over in my head and I can't get it out. Particularly my favourite part at the 1min20sec mark, when the chick singing tunes that she feels fucking good in the oke's room and goes on to suggest that they "lock the world out." Nice vibe, I like these chicks - they just wanna muck about in my bedroom all day. But it's also the way she sings that part of the song - it's different to the other parts. It's like full of spunk and attitude.
God, I just wish I had some of my chicks around to listen to the song with me. We'd like turn it up full ball and bounce on the bed in our PJ's, squealing, using a hairbrush as a microphone. Then we'd collapse in a heap on the bed and the angel would be giggling, probably chatting on the microphone.
In Your Room The Bangles
I love it in your room at night
You're the only one who gets through to me
In the warm glow of the candlelight
Oh, I wonder what you're gonna do to me
In your room
I come alive when I'm with you
I'll do anything you want me to
In your room
I love it in your room all day
When you're gone I like to try on all your clothes
You won't regret it if you let me stay
I'll teach you everything that a boy should know
In your room
I'm alive when I'm with you
Gonna make your dreams come true
In your room
I feel good in your room
Let's lock the world out
Feels so good when we kiss
Nobody ever made me crazy like this
I'll do anything you want me to
I only want to be with you
In your room
In your room
I was DYING to show you this video but, right now, I'm just showing it to you to give you something to chew on - rather than wanting to share it with you.
My apologies - my mind is elsewhere at the moment. People are letting me down CHRONICALLY and I cannot think.
As today's guest on the live online radio show [permalink]
Yup! That's right, my love, you heard me! Do not adjust your palm tree! Do not get out of your hammock! Stay RIGHT where you are and let US bring it to YOU! Shh! Not another word!
Mark Bayly - wild, yet clean
The man. The myth. The voice. Survivor South Africa's Mark Bayly will be live and unplugged in all his splendour for a solid two hours during today's live online radio show - The 2oceansvibe Show. That, my dear friends, is nothing short of sexual.
God only knows what awaits us as we plough into the mind of this SA TV personality. Although it appears our boy has done more than just TV hosting work, as I found out on this little info page. Very interesting. Very interesting indeed. All the more interesting I'm sure after we pour some beers down his powerful throat.
Been there, survived that!
(How poor was that caption? Jesus. I do apologise)
Hmm... so much to discuss.
I'm sure you must have a pantload of things to ask Mark Bayly! So why don't you do JUST that and send in your questions/discussion topics for today's show (LIVE at 15h30) to editor@2oceansvibe.com and stand a chance to win a year's supply of weekly entries to EVERY PlayEuroMillions lottery!
We'll also be taking live SKYPE calls during the show! The best call will also win one of the above prizes. Our SkypeName is "the2oceansvibeshow."
We'll end off in a COMPLETELY ridiculous manner with this little music video - none other than Pure Shores, by All Saints. How ridiculous is that?!
I was DANGEROUSLY close to using Survivor by Destiny's Child, but it's just not as sexual, and anyway it doesn't remind you of Leonardo.
As the cycle tour fuckfest descends upon Cape Town [permalink]
Sunday will bring us the moment all cycling enthusiasts have been wanking towards - The Cape Argus Pick n Pay Cycle Tour - an orgasmic peloton of Shimano gears, inappropriate clothing which includes strange awkward clog-type shoes. God, it's all very exciting! - for some. For others, it's a death sentence. And that is why 2oceansvibe has done the necessary research to help you avoid the unadulterated fuckshow that is the Cape Town roads on Sunday 9 March.
Click this map to get a big pic showing the route.
Not only should you be aware as to where the space-age-hat-wearing hairless beings will be whizzing passed, but perhaps a list of road closures would be quite useful?
It's common knowledge that I keep a number of pre-teen Cambodian kids under the floorboards at the Bantry Bay house; for the express purpose of manufacturing fake Havaianas flip-flops. I don't feel bad about their living conditions, nor the fact that I feed them rubbish. Those kids wouldn't have a floor over their heads if it wasn't for me. And, what's more, they shouldn't even be here in the first place. Without work visas I could have them kicked out of the country anytime I want. But I don't and I won't - because I care.
It is for this reason that I feel connected to and was so impressed by Mike Strutter from www.struttergear.com. He has developed a number of very interesting products - most notable being the MIKEROSLAVE OVEN - which features a similar concept to what I've got going with the flip flops.
Do yourself a favour and check out the MIKEROSLAVE OVEN
Just yesterday Andrew Symonds dropped shoulder on a streaker during a limited overs game against India at the Gabba. And boy did that streaker get CLEANED!
And sleep..
Check out this video of the drop shoulder technique Andrew "Roy" Symonds used on the unsuspecting streaker.
How heavy was that?
According to The Taipei Times (the only choice in cricket commentary), Australia were 34 for three, chasing 259 at the time.
In terms of whether or not Symo will be a trouble for his antics, no-one is really sure. What they can tell us is that former Australia captain, Greg Chappell escaped a fine for hitting a streaker on the backside in 1976.
Yup, you heard me - Marion Cotillard. She's that French bird who won the Oscar for Best Actress. And so she bloody well should - with a rack like this. Enjoy it - from one of her earlier movies.
el vino did flow!
A solid performance. I'm very happy with those. In fact I know someone with virtually exactly the same tabs. You know who you are, baby. And I tell you what, they're stunning when upright.
Oh, here's a little treat for you - CLICK HERE for the video of the above pic. You'll find it includes a little bit more. It goes "downtown" if you know what I mean.
I'd also like to take this opporunity to say to the girls that the bit shown in the video is what I mean by a "bit of bush" - bring it back, girls - just a bit.
Crew and passengers count their lucky stars [permalink]
Check this out:
"HAMBURG, Germany (AP) — A Lufthansa jet carrying 131 passengers was caught by gusting wind as it tried to land during a storm, causing a wing tip to graze the runway before the pilot got the plane back off the ground, the airline said Monday.
The incident happened on Saturday as the Airbus A320 approached Hamburg airport on a flight from Munich.
Airline spokesman Wolfgang Weber said the plane was rocked by wind clocked at 155 mph as it tried to land." [AP]
Jeepers Hudders!
What a beautiful opportunity to pull the classic trick of convincing the hottest bird on the plane to join you for a last session before you all die. They ALWAYS agree to that. MOST corpses found in plane wrecks are in the boning position - FACT.
But in this case, you don't die! You were able to create a previously impossible opportunity for her to experience your Officer and a Gentleman type moves! And now it's too late - she's under your spell!
Well done - you've bagged a model!
(They cover all of this in The Secret, by the way)
Amazing! Just last week Derek Watts and the Carte Blanche team left the nation contemplating suicide and/or immigration following possibly their most depressing show ever - featuring murder, rape and doomsday predictions for South Africa. And then, last night, they do a feature on how important it is to have sex every day - giving the population more than enough reason to pump the night away! Jesus guys, what are you doing to us! From suicide to sex in just one week!
And did any of you pick up Derek's little chirp he gave before the sex portion of last night's show? Jesus he pushed it! Announcing what topic was about to follow, Derek began, "I hesitate to say..... coming up..."
COMING UP! PUN INTENDED! IN FACT, PUN HIGHLIGHTED!!!
Jesus, Derek! You're rolling with your shit off safety, my boy!
I must say that was fucking funny. I do have one criticism however. The entire piece had to do with the health benefits of the orgasm, leading to their continuous emphasis on the importance of sex. This suggestion would cause a number of complications for some of us. Firstly, some people are going to struggle to get their partners to bang every single day and secondly, some of us don't have a partner. Either way, I am brought to my point, why did they not suggest a daily wank?
That's what I do.
Twice a day, in fact.
They estimate I'll live to 127.
As for the 8 o' clock movie, A Good Year - I just want to ask one thing - what the fuck was Russell Crowe on during the filming of that movie? God, he was annoying.
In closing, I thought it would be appropriate to give you this link to an online flash game called Orgasm Girl!
"Apparently they're thinking of adding one or two more sides to the Super 14 next year"
"Really?!"
"Ja"
"So, like, will the name change? To like Super 15 or Super 16 or something like that"
"Ja"
"Jeez"
"Cos remember it used to be a smaller number."
"Oh ja. It used to be Super 12, hey?"
"Ja. And before that it was Super 10"
"Seriously?"
"Ja"
"Fucken hell. Was it ever called the Super 1?"
"Ja, that was the year the Stormers won. They didn't have to play anyone. They just sat there and wanked all over themselves. For 80 minutes. Like they did yesterday, but not as convincing."
It's funny that "sport" has always had pornographic/glamour undertones. I remember, in particular, in the UK where a number of glamour publications (magazines and broadsheets) often used the word "sport" in the title. "Sunday Sport" was always my favourite. The kind of publication that someone like Jordan would have cut her tits.
Rosey and The Goose..
Tasteful?
Not that Golf Punk is pornographic in the slightest. But it certainly doesn't mind featuring some absolute ANGELS in every issue - referring to them as "Bunker Babes." They use the words "Golf Porn" to describe pictorials on golf courses around the world. These guys.... these guys are funny guys.
Having enjoyed the mag overseas, I subscribed to South Africa's new Golf Punk magazine the moment it launched (it's R250 for the year - give me a break - that's like a round of 2oceansvibe cocktails at Caprice.). I don't play much golf, although I do have my own set of clubs - Nike clubs (yup, just like Tiger). I bought them mainly to put in the boot of my car - I mean, no discerning man about town would dare open his boot without a set of clubs in the back. God, can you IMAGINE! They're also very handy for sneaking off to the driving range which is pretty much as far as my set go. Look, I've done time at Royal Cape but, you know, I'm just scared, I guess..
I've never bought any of the other golf mags out there, as they just don't tweak me. The thing is that I do enjoy golf and I do enjoy discussing it with "the boys," but I just don't want to talk about crap and I want to learn from people that speak my language (cool speak - that's what we speak). I want to know interesting golf stories (the current issue has a great feature about Tiger Woods's chances of a Grand Slam, which would be the first time in 78 years! Fuck me!). I want to get cool, useful tips, but don't want them to be told to me like I'm a tit (the March issue features tips on how to get yourself out out someone's back garden on an estate course - nice!). I want to get cool golf gear, funky gear - not gear for twats (I was suitably impressed with their fashion section - I want that pinstripe Dunhill jacket inside me). They've even got cool interviews with non-golf-pro celebrities (Rubens Barrichello has a cameo). It really is action packed..
And then, of course, they've got the Bunker Babes:
(Click to enlarge)
Witty caption to do with golf, angels and balls
Very badly behaved little angels! Why are you being so naughty in the bunker? Babba will get dirty! Naughty babbaaaa!
God, it's great! SO satisfying! Interesting, fucking funny, and sexual at the same time! Like my arse. Do yourself a favour and grab a copy, you'll be glad you did. It's quality - pure quality!
It will come as no surprise to you that one of The 2oceansvibe Characters is the Editor in Chief of Golf Punk SA magazine - "The Celebrity MC", to be precise! And there is even a music section written by ANOTHER 2oceansvibe Character - "The Personal Jukebox".
So we found ourselves at the Arniston Spa Hotel this weekend. We weren't actually staying at the hotel, but rather a mate's place. Nonetheless, we thought we would enjoy the very sexual vibe at the Arniston Hotel pool.
For the uninformed and those of you who don't know about the hotel or have never heard of Arniston before, I took the liberty of getting this "excerpt" (oh, excuse me!) for you from the hotel website :
"The Arniston Spa Hotel is set in one of the Cape’s most exquisite locations, next to an old fishing village, surrounded by pristine beaches and nature reserves. The luxurious 4-star Arniston Spa Hotel is internationally known as one of the world’s great getaways. Touched by the spray from the Indian Ocean, we welcome you with panoramic views of the unspoilt ocean and endless beaches. Blessed with an abundance of sea life, the hotel promises delicious oysters from nearby shores and the freshest fish from the local fishing boats."
Aah - fucking chilled
The "Residents Only" sign didn't bother us too much as we decided it was for management to protect themselves when getting rid of undesirables. We made ourselves desirable by chilling in the sun and requesting a cocktail menu. It all sort of fell into place as I opened the cocktail menu - the first cocktail my eye caught was the classic...
"Alabama Slammer"
"Christ Almighty," I exclaimed to The Surfer, who confirmed that it was becoming "all too easy."
"Have the gentlemen decided what they will be having?" the waiter asked.
"We certainly have, my good man! Why don't you rack us up two of your tightestAlabama Slammers!" I confirmed.
"Oh very good, sir!" he shrieked, walking away.
I called the waiter back to the table as I asked, "I beg your pardon, what is your name?"
It became all too apparent why some folk travel half way across the globe to try the Alabama Slammers at The Arniston Hotel. They were absolutely fucking incredible - an explosion of taste - something out of a porno. We had about five each which, at R42 a glass, gave us the confidence to indulge in the thoroughly sexual swimming pool. The sun was shining down on us as we silently said a prayer of thanks to the God of Cocktails and played a game of Diver Dan.
The rest of the afternoon was a blur and I can't remember a thing. We weren't thrown out or anything, but I definitely recall the Alabama Slammers making the world feel like a better place. A softer, more fun place. Like everything was made of marshmallows.
I just wish that you were there so I could stuff marshmallows into your mouth and tickle your bum.
As you yelp with joy..
Maybe next time..
And if you're there next time without me, just remember that you'd be a FOOL not to dry hump a few of those Alabama Slammers at the pool.
The microbrewed American taste you've been longing for. [permalink]
Not to be confused with Jack Black, the comedian. This is Jack Black, the beer - named after Jack Black, the 1920's American outlaw, who came WAY before any other Jack Black that you may know. And I'm pleased to report that Jack Black Premium Classic Beer is out and about in Cape Town.
I was maxin' and relaxin' at Caprice the other day and cast my eyes down at the glass beer fridges behind the bar.
"What the fuck is that?" I politely asked.
"That's Jack Black, a new beer we're stocking" the barman replied.
"Hmm, grab me one.." I instructed.
Hmm - what have we here...
Crisp, flavoursome and ever so slightly sexual - I proceeded to clean about five of them. I could feel the outlaw in me coming out as I demanded some explanation. From what I can remember, the barman recalled some story about Mr. Jack Black and the fact that he was a master brewer who found himself in a bit of a pickle during the American Prohibition (thank GOD we didn't have to deal with that). Not that it stopped him - he didn't give a toss and kept on producing his special brand of beer.
Look, the guy got sentenced to death, but that's not going to stop us from celebrating his very 2oceansvibe maverick spirit. Jack Black Beer is now being produced in small batches right here in their Western Cape microbrewery. It is thoroughly enjoyable and I suggest you give it a bash.
I checked out their website and it proudly declares:"Jack Black is a premium beer with no compromises, no apologies and no prisoners." Nice, I like that vibe.
I dug a little deeper and found Jack Black Beer available at ULTRA Liquors in Green Point. Oh very clever! I bought a case and I stocked my fridge. This is what my life looks like at the moment
And DRINK!
Further research has found Jack Black Beer available at the following outlets:
Retail outlets
ULTRA Liquors - All Western Cape Locations
Diamond Liquors - Green Point
Liquor Ranch (hilarious) - Hout Bay (obviously)
The Bottle Top Liquors - Rondebosch (students will eat this stuff)
Vino Pronto - Gardens (like pronto - like right now - like wine, right now)
Drinking/eating establishments Caprice - Camps Bay
Bacini's - Gardens
Bonzai - Green Point
The Bay Hotel - Camps Bay
Fire & Ice - Gardens
Ginja & Shoga - Bo-Kaap
Home Restaurant - Claremont
Home Again Restaurant - Gardens
Katima - Hout Bay (nice!)
La Cucina - Hout Bay (prime TBG sighting turf)
Planet Bay, Mount Nelson - Gardens Neighbourhoodgoods Market - Old Biscuit Mill
Oblivion - Claremont
Rick's Cafe - Gardens
As we highlight the blogs that deserve recognition [permalink]
We have made it quite clear that 2oceansvibe doesn't think it's worth competing in the SA Blog Awards, but that certainly shouldn't stop YOU in giving others the recognition they deserve.
2oceansvibe wishes to highlight some newer, perhaps lesser known blogs that we think should receive recognition further than just their faithful readership and mentions on other websites
It is currently the nomination process of the 2008 SA Blog Awards and we wish to direct your support to some of the blogs that we are big fans of. Check these out and go through to the 2008 SA Blog Awards and show them your support.
Our suggestions:
Baglett - www.baglett.blogspot.com
This chick is just brilliant. Whilst her identity is kept secret, she is starting to form quite a following. I am often approached by strangers (normally chicks), asking who Baglett is and they carry on about how brilliant she is and "she should have her own show" and "she's hilarious" etc. etc. It's like she's a rock star but no one knows what she looks like. She's like the real Milli Vanilli - only gorgeous looking (trust me - I know). I reckon she should be nominated for Best New Blog at the very least. And Best Original Writing.
Shaun Oakes - www.shaunoakes.com
Self proclaimed "Cape Town's favourite son," Shaun certainly does amuse. With some spine-chillingly coincidental similarities to 2oceansvibe, you'll feel right at home! I'd punt Shaun for the Most Humorous Blog award and probably also Best Original Writing.
Nadoes - www.nadoes.com
I fucking love these guys. The people's rugby side, The Nadoes, command an eclectic mix of fun, sports and general mayhem on their website. I'd nail these guys down for Best Sports Blog among others.
The Fishbowl - jontyfisher.blogspot.com The political commentary you've been looking for. Written by Jonty Fisher who also writes for the Mail & Guardian as a part of their Thought Leader offering. Jonty puts across beautiful arguments and opinions that I feel quite happy adopting as my own. I generally win the political dinner party debates. Check it out for Best Political Blog.
I'd like us to give those guys a push so, as a part of the 2oceanvsibe community, let's all go on through to the SA Blog Awards 2008 and give them the recognition they deserve!
Check out the other links half way down in the left menu of 2oceansvibe and enjoy the other websites we have linked to - there certainly are some other worthy candidates.
You may have noticed that new block to the right of the Vida e block on Somerset Road, Green Point. You may not have noticed our new favourite eatery called "Miss K - Food Cafe" that sprung up out of nowhere. I popped in the other day.
miss k
People who go there get laid more often
than those who don't.
FACT.
I worked out that the name of the food cafe comes from the name of the delightful owner and chef, Kirsten! Miss K = Kirsten. See what she did there? No? Well, she took the first letter of her name and then...... I'm kidding.
So anyway I cruised in there the other day. It's so fucking cool. There's plench outside space and the sun pumps it beautifully, with umbrellas if you need a bit of shade for your pip. There is enough parking for an oil rig so you won't be a dithering wreck when you walk in. The vibe inside is perfect - clean lines, slick, happy, with skylights. Apart from free standing tables and food display area, I enjoyed the other section set alongside the open kitchen, with a strip of tables and sexual padded seating all along the one wall. Like something you'd fine in New York or something. It's so fucking cool. It's like "Hey - I'm eating heeeere!"
Too cool
So after being blown away to smithereens by service so rarely found in Cape Town (Manna Epicure might want to pop in with pen and paper), I was very pleased with the menu which had everything Daddy Cool wanted. They've got a similar (but better) range of chow to Melissa's with buffet etc., and the bill arrives with one less zero.
I've eaten there a couple times now and, besides my daily visit to Vida e next door, this little place is quickly becoming a permanent fixture for me on Somerset Road. The food is quick and so very very tasty - probably tasty enough to please Kirsten's string of past private contracts for some of planet earth's most famous sportsmen.
