As we enter the sanctity of post-IDOLS euphoria
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I've been PARTICULARLY quiet this week. I'm sorry my friends. I've been putting together our Mr 2oceansvibe 2005 list which will probably be launching next week. I also decided to take a vow of silence in protest of the way the local IDOLS show is run. I was also celebrating the fact that my Sunday night pre-Caprice TV watching will no longer be marred by Mara, the IDOLS 'judge'. (See what I did there? marred/Mara. You like that?). We lost the Rugby World Cup bid - no more Francois Pienaar in our faces. Tick. IDOLS is over - no more Mara. Tick. Now we just have to find a way to get rid of the '95 WC winners Supersport team and we'll be 'A' for away.

And so another IDOLS winner is crowned. I see that Karin Kortje won the sham on Sunday night. Well done, Karin. Whatever.

Please do yourself a favour and laugh out loud at AJ Venter's words of wisdom HERE. AJ decided to share his views on the IDOLS final. The apt title of AJ's article was....

Wait for it.....

"Karen or Gift?".

Ohhhhh, ok! I see what you've done there! Because the final was between Karin (with an "i" not an "e".) and Gift! Good. (Be more attentative to name spelling, AJ. Her name is 'Karin', not 'Karen'. That's like you being called "BJ" instead of "AJ". You probably wouldn't like that.) Next time I see you please could you confirm that I DID see you giving fashion advice in the new SA Rugby magazine. I'm not being nasty. I'm just asking.

So basically AJ claims he "pissed through his eyes" (treat yourself and read the article HERE) when he watched Karin sing in the final. That's pretty descriptive, AJ, thanks for that. So you cried so hard, it was like piss was coming out of your eyes? Nice one. Good. He claims he has always backed her. Liberal. Good. It sounds like my housemate who claims he has supported Manchester United since he was four. That's pretty amazing. It's also a lie.

Karin Kortje - Winner of IDOLS
(Whatever that means)

Personally, I think the winner was a fucking joke. Not that I watched the final - I stopped after round two. Karin Kortje, an ex fruit picker from the Grabouw region has been crowned the IDOLS winner:

"It's so amazing that someone from such a underprivileged background can be lifted up and.....". Wank wank wank wank wank! Please cork it and look a little further than your nose (not to you, AJ).

Let's stop and see what we're looking for here. What are we craving, people? I think it would be fair to say that THE ULTIMATE PRIZE would be for our winner to become an INTERNATIONAL STAR. Surely we all agree on that? We don't have these competitions to increase the morale in Grabouw, do we? I hope not. Or is this just a feel-good-about-ourselves exercise?

For me, my/our/whatever's IDOL should be mind-blowing (10 out of 10. Voice, looks, tabs (depending on sex of winner, obviously) so that she will stand a better chance of going further in the international pop arena. Heinz Winckler's actual name is absolutely appaling, but he managed to forge a good voice with descent looks. He came fourth in World Idols. Not bad. If I remember correctly I think he even sang a liekie for one of the Disney movies.

The other winner we had was Anke Pietrangeli. Horrendous name and the sex appeal of a shopping trolley. I saw her about a month ago, vomiting out songs at the bottom of the escalator at the V&A Waterfront. (The phrase "Kyk hoe lyk hy nou" could apply here). Is this where we saw ourselves ending up? Was this the aim of our local IDOLS competition? Anke's name came up again the other day when I heard that her boyfriend proposed to her at a Cape Union Mart store opening. Apparently she accepted and, through the tears, shrieked the words "You bugger" three times. Nice. This, ladies and gentlemen, is NOT in the league of Christina Aguilera.

When we say "IDOL", we mean "POP IDOL", everyone knows that. Take a quiet look at the pop charts these days. There is sex appeal. There has to be sex appeal. People are drawn to sex people. I'm sorry but an amazing voice and a story of hardship is not enough. Honestly, I think Karin's voice is incredible but it's not enough to shift some bloody units on the global stage. She has definitely given hope to a lot of people, but is this the main aim of IDOLS?

What do I propose? Well let me show you something. This is Julia. She was knocked out of IDOLS in the very early stages. Take a good look at her and then you'll be able to download a song of hers. Look at her. Imagine her holding you. Imagine the little angel singing songs for you.

Julia. Probably conceptualising.


Julia. Throwing attitude at the camera.
Good. That's it. Work it.

So now that you've had a good look at her, I want you to listen to her. Listen to the little angel. Listen to the little songstress. Is this not more in line with what we're looking for?

Oh, she's 18. (Ahem)

RIGHT-CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD ME JULIE (2.6Mb - MP4 itunes format.)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As Acorn Ridge development is mentioned in Business Day
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I'm not saying I know anything about property and what's what and what's this and what's that. I'M JUST SAYING that the development I mentioned to get involved in was featured in Business Day recently. (The development, not my ACTUAL article). [confident sniff]

You might remember I made mention of a bunch of guys called Bluegate who were doing a development called 'Acorn Ridge' (article here). Well anyway, I ran into one of the partners this week and I asked him for an update on how things were going. I was pretty impressed.

Squirrels like it

You'll be pleased to know that some units are still available after Acorn Ridge's radical launch (70% already sold out). The bigger units went first, which leaves some nice options still available (for now). Our boy tells me there are still some 1 bedroom places (60m²) at R360,000 and 2 bedrooms (76m²) at R460,000 (remember these guys include everything in the price - parking bays, legal fees, transfer costs and bond registration costs. I don't want to get anything wrong, so if you want to see floor plans, artist impressions etc., check out their website by clicking THERE. It looks pretty tit.

I'm going to get too heavily into it because I managed to find an article in Business Day (available on their website if you CLICK HERE) that goes into more detail, talking about the potential of the area, featuring upgrades in the near future etc.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The heading has nothing to do with the story
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I know you enjoy it when I write while I'm under the influence of alcohol. You'll be happy to know I'm on my 5th Spier Chenin Blanc.

STOP! I can pretend that I am writing this article 8 hours earlier, or I can tell the truth............... that I wrote a beautiful, fucking hysterical article (8 hours earlier) and I fucked it up and lost it! I am NOT on my 5th glass - I MUST be on my tenth. I can't believe I lost an article. I saved another article over it and lost the orginal! I know! I am sorry! I fucked up! It was a brilliant article, documenting my state as I launched into the Spier Chenin Blanc. I spoke of the state I was in, versus the shape I was in (Shhh, James). I spoke of all sorts of things. Unfortunately we'll never know what they were, cos they're all a blur now. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm WAY more hammered than I was earlier. Another thing about earlier.... I added a pic of Chrlotte Casiraghi (Princess Charlotte of Monaco, for the slow players). I had no reason to add her; but I did. And I don't think there is any harm in that. And so, for no reason whatsoever. Hold your breath.

Charlotte
The grand prize

Breathe out. I'm starting to remember what I wrote about earlier. It was something about the fact that I was chilling next to the pool since lunch time, drinking my Spier Chenin Blanc. The reason why I had the 'Spier Chenin Blanc' on tap was, and still is, because I had some e-bucks left in my First National Bank account. E-bucks are/is the currency of/in/whatever the FNB loyalty programme. I went to the e-bucks website and EVERYTHING was so crap that the only obvious resort was to blow ever last e-buck on the wine section. I have no more e-bucks left, but I have a fat-load of wine. Ta.

So basically it's all come to an end. I lost the article, I'm pissed, the neighbours FUCKING dog is barking, and I haven't even got to the point. What is the point? I don't know. Christ, that wine is tit. Oh yes! In my article which I lost earlier, which no-one will ever see, I mentioned the new word.

The new word is 'TIT'.

Some of you already know it. And that's fantastic. It's great that you have used the word 'tit'. It's great that you understand the beauty of it (Do you? Do you really? You fucking idiot.) So seriously, let's run through a couple of examples.

"Did you try any nightclubs?"

"Fucken big time! We went to that club called "MasterGeneral", it was fucken TIT!

Ok, that was quite hectic. Let's try another one....

"Fuck your laptop is TIT"

"Your shoes are fucken TIT"

"What do you think of my new ACA JOE jeans?"

"I don't know.... ACA JOE never called me back. "

dot dot dot.... "What do we think of ACA JOE jeans?"

And the question for everyone remains.. will ACA JOE ever be 'tit'. Will it ever be cool enough to be "tit"?

God knows.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Where Hollywood funnymen go to chill out
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I'm surprised I haven't really said anything about Camps Bay's Bayside Cafe before, but I've just never really thought of it. I go there a lot and I suppose the regularity of it didn't necessitate a mention; so I never did. (Seriously, you have to admit, I am CLEANING UP semi-colons lately). But I went there, the other night and it ALL CAME TOGETHER. I finally realised why the one waiter had always intrigued me. This revelation has finally necessitated a mention. He either IS, or LOOKS VERY SIMILAIR to John Turturro.

"Who the fuck is he", I hear you asking.

Well, allow me to respond. He is the guy who played the character 'Jesus Quintana' (nailed Mark, you didn't know the surname. NAILED.) in the movie 'The Big Lebowski'. He was also the butler in the movie, 'Mr. Deeds', by the name of 'Emilio Lopez'. Remember the guy who told Adam Sandler in the movie that he was "very sneaky sneaky". Fucking funny. If you haven't seen either of those movies then (A) you're disgusting, and (B) you have until tomorrow to watch them.

The beautiful John Turturro as 'Jesus' in 'The Big Lebowski'
Now working at Bayside Cafe, Camps Bay.

Anyway, he works at Bayside Cafe now. Seriously, go there and hope to God he is serving you - it's a treat to be served by Jesus.

God, John, you were beautiful in Mr. Deeds.
Look very carefully at his face.
"I am very sneaky sneaky"
You can find him at Camps Bay's 'Bayside Cafe'.
    


That's your guy

If the spectacle of being served by Jesus is not enough of a scene for you (I hope to God that he works there forever), then you'll probably enjoy everything from their steaks to their seafood. Seriously comma they do it all and they do it well.

Bayside Cafe, we like you. Thank God.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Forbes acknowledges our combination of sea, sand, and breasts
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Oh well done Cape Town! Give yourselves a big pat on the breasts! Forbes have compiled a useful Top 10 list, for a change. The Top 10 Topless beaches in the World. And BANG, right in there is out very own Clifton beaches! I back this stat 100%. Do yourselves a favour and find a perch on Clifton 2nd beach - an absolute treat.

While we're talking about breasts, I would like to reintroduce the colourful description of something being 'tit'. A reminder - if something is 'tit', it is awesome. Shoes can be 'tit'. A cold beer can be 'tit'. The service in a restaurant can be 'tit'. Let's do a quick workshop on this:

"How was your night? Did you have a good time".

"It was awesome! God, that nightclub was 'tit'!"

or

"What do you think of my new car?"

"Wow, it's really 'tit'!"

While you're down Mrs. Rude!

Moving on. Check out the Forbes article HERE - click 'slideshow' to see the other beaches around the World.

But more importantly, here is a NSFW link to a website that actually documents topless activity on beaches around the World. I assume all the people photographed were asked for their consent. OBVIOUSLY if they weren't then we are STRONGLY against the footage.

thanks Hank

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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We fully endorse FHM's Homegrown Honey Number 86
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Ok, so here we are again! As we count down to Mr 2oceansvibe 2005 we also have to give our annual Homegrown Honeys endorsement. I am referring to the annual FHM Homegrown Honeys competition.

This year, kids, we're going for one of 2oceansvibe's faithful, Barabara (Honey number 86). Let me show you why.... (You can click the first two to make them big).

Lip my stocking!


Oh no, Mr Harris!


Lip my stocking!

So, as a true 2oceansvibe community member, it is your DUTY to vote for your fellow reader. If you are slack in voting then Seth will be slack in writing articles. It's a two way street, my friends. It's about give and take. So, before you do another thing, pick up your cellphone and:

sms the number '86' to 34672

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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It's over. Please leave.
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So we lost the bid for the Rugby World Cup. Thank God! Our children can finally, once again, walk free. No more must we endure the "I" specialist, Francois Pienaar. That's right! It ends here! No more do you have to be FORCE FED FRANCOIS PIENAAR'S DR SPOCK IMPERSONATIONS. Hopefully he'll disappear into obscurity and take the Supersport ex-'95 winners with him.

Finally, the nightmare will go away.

How do we do it? Is there a way of also getting rid of the Supersport 1995 World Cup team's wank-a-thon that continues to bore? The following was overheard during a comemrical break in the Supersport studios.

Joel: "Hey Frankie (Francois), sorry to hear about the bid.

Pienaar: "Hey, thanks for caring, Joelers. I just feel so useless"

J: "Don't be silly, I still think you're a great captain"

P: " Really? Do you mean that?"

J: "Definitely! And what about me? Do you miss my kicking"

P: "Big Time!"

J: "Do you remember that kick I did in 1995?"

P: " Ja! Big time! Joost was there!"

J: "That's right! Joost was there! He's here as well, can't you see him here, under the table? He's been giving me oral the whole time!"

P: (looking under table)"Oh my God! I didn't realise that! Are we having a 1995 WC oral session?"

J: "Of course, Frankie! We have one EVERY night!"

P: "Awesome! Hey, Joost, can you 'take scrum' and lick my balls?!"

Joost: "Anything for you, Dr Spock!"

P: "Thanks, I'll get Kobus to finish off with a rim-job".

And so it goes on.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FRANCOIS, YOU HAVE NO OTHER REASON TO BOTHER US NOW. PLEASE GO AND DO SOMETHING ELSE THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE BEING A PART OF OUR LIVES. YOU BORE US. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BORE HOLE.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Katie Holmes's ex is on another level
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Here we see Katie during happier times. A time when she had actual control over her thoughts. Next to her is her ex boyfriend, Chris Klein. You'll remember Chris as the sensitive 'Ostreicher' in the movie, American Pie. I think he banged Mena Suvari in that movie, if my memory serves. Anyway, we don't read much about the apparent clown, but I certainly wish we did. It turns out the guy doesn't give a flying fuck and is PARTICULARLY hilarious.

I'll get right to the funniest quote from our boy from a recent interview:

"I only date 8 to 10's"

Jesus, Chris! (Not Christ, Chris. I didn't leave out a 't'. It was directed at Chris) That's confidence, my boy! When asked if he cooks for his dates, his reply was:

"I don't need food to impress, man, It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."

Whaaaah!!! Get a load of this guy! But wait, there's more! When asked about his thoughts on women gaining weight while they're going out with him, our little hilarity had this to say:

"I'm not tolerant of that at all.When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no."

For me, 'I'm not TOLERANT of that' pretty much knocked me off my chair. I had NO idea that Chris Klein had this vibe about him. It's fucking hysterical! Oh, you don't think there could be more? Sit tight, my love, enjoy this one:

"The time it really hurt was when a stranger called me an asshole. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, 'Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.'"

Whaaaaaah!

He describes picking up chicks as a "predator-prey situation" and admitting he stays "very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely."

'DESERVES' to know me completely!

No, no. That is it! I am finished! This guy is too much. Honestly, put a fork in me, I'm done.

(Article via MSN)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As Jack loses 2.5 tons
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Look, if I had to choose a guy to see half naked, he certainly wouldn't be my first choice. He's still a terrible looking fellow, but you gotta give it to Jack Osbourne, he looks like he's lost at LEAST 2.5 tons. The only problem here is that Kelly Osbourne can no longer hide behind the assumption that the Osbourne kids have a fat gene that they have no control over. Sorry, my love, you're clearly a little piggy wiggy. By the amount of drugs she takes and has been caught with, I'm surprised she isn't a waif. She obviously needs to take MORE. Take more, tuck box.

Now, brace yourselves, people. Jack Osbourne, before and after.

BEFORE : One times pork sword


AFTER: Much better, Jack.
But we know you're holding in your tummy.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Capetonian receives his Goldfish CD
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Cape Town's Ben G received his winning copy of the Goldfish CD and sent in this pic of himself.

Ben G. Ecstatic?
I think so.

Ben says, "Whoo hoo" and that he "digs it plenty". Our Capetonian follower also commented that it "takes the edge off the morning as you drive to work".

Well, Ben, that's why we're all here. To take your edge off the day. So people can't get to you. We're like an invisible forcefield, keeping you protected from the evils surrounding us. I have always maintained that all this, everything you see on this page of blue - it's all for you.

I want to show you how important you all are to 2oceansvibe. I want to hold you all, close to my breast, with your head under my chin. I want to rock you to sleep and tell you everything will be ok. Because it will. Shhhhhh. Don't say anything. You're with Seth now. Shhhhh. There we go......... Shhhhhh (rocking motion)....... shhhhhhhhh (kiss to the head as I cuddle you, continuing to rock you back and forth)........... shhhhhh.

You should be fast asleep now. God you smell good.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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You just have to love these guys
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As you know, I get so many videos and pics that it is close to impossible to use anything as nothing really stands out. But when you get two of our friends in the East wearing Rockets basketball vests, singing "Tell me why" by Backstreet Boys- it's just too much.

Their forefathers are bound to turn in their graves

CLICK HERE FOR STREAMING VIDEO OF THE AFFAIR

Thanks Christy

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As boy takes mannequin to his Matric Dance
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It's good to see that Bishops continues its proud tradition of churning out top stand-up comedians. Here we see a future household name arriving at the 2005 Bishops Matric Dance with his date - a mannequin. Good. Good effort. That's good humour, son.

Click the pic for enlarged version. Better still, do what we did and have a browse through the ENTIRE photo gallery of couples. There are some VERY NAUGHTY little angels to be seen, judged.

Good

Click here for entire gallery of dance partners.

thanks mariam

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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To replace his sister. Now why would you go and do that?
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So Tom Cruise's sister is being replaced as his publicist. She is the one who has been taking care of his public profile since last year. It kind of makes sense though, if you think about it.

Ever since I was a kid, Tom Cruise has constantly been viewed by most people as one of the coolest men on the planet. No one could beat him, he was the best at everything. He was a jet pilot, a pool-hall champ, an ace racing driver, a slick-dog lawyer, a spy, a motor-mouth sports agent, a hot-shot barman and even a vampire - EVERYTHING I wanted to be! In Risky Business he trashed his parents' house when they were away on holiday, pumped a hooker, had the house ripped off and got everything back before they returned from holiday. He was like the older brother I never had (only-child-feel-sorry-for-me moment). God, he was cool.

And then over the last year, Tom Cruise set about gently shitting all over himself. He took his coolness, his mystique, all he had built up over two decades and reduced his name to a punchline. Tom Cruise jokes are the new Michael Jackson jokes. Thanks for that, Sis! Thanks for letting me out into the open! Clearly Cruise's publicist before his sister knew that he was a fucking loony case and did exactly what you should do with famous fruit cakes - keep them locked up. This, in turn, added to his mystique. But now it's too late.

Cruise losing his mind on Jay Leno

I watched the new love of his life, Katie Holmes, present him with with an award at the MTV Movie Awards. It was an absolute emwoerrisment! The crowd were silenced. Honestly, it was a mockery. He has totally and utterly brainwashed her. Our cute little angel from Dawson's Creek has had her brain shat on by Tom Cruise. Not only that, but she is also is carrying his alien child inside her once beautiful little body. Now her body is tainted. There is poison inside it - Cruise poison. God, where will it all end?

So good luck to the new publicist! I don't mean to be negative, but it's too late. You're fucked.

In a totally unrelated piece of news, I remind you of this week's Sunday Times headline : "ZUMA RAPE CLAIM".

Aaah. As Tom Cruise said in A Few Good Men "The hits just keep on coming"!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Bring the vineyard to you
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As you may or may not know (you should), I was invited to the 'Winemaker's Choice Diamond Awards' about a month back (article here). I put on my sophisticated face and pulled through for an evening of wine, music, culture and dance. You should be picturing me at this stage, goblet in hand, LYING to someone about the smooth woody taste sensation I am experiencing from this PARTICULAR merlot. Jokes aside, it was a glittering affair. There were about 250 people with all the right snacks and entertainment in place. Singers, diamonds everywhere, sushi (that's right) and cute little angel waitresses. I even hit the dance floor if I remember correctly - which I cannot (such was the success of the evening).

There's no mistaking the colour of the blah blah blah

I must say, I do enjoy a good tasting wine. There were some damn good wines at the evening and I did get someone's number to organise a couple of cases to be delivered to Villa Seth. Just this week I gave the guy a call and suggested that they make some sort of a website where all the winning wines can be purchased. Well I'm buggered! (not literally) They've done it already! Honestly, I'm pretty impressed with these guys. ALL the wines are there for online ordering (Visa, Master card etc.) and they can deliver it for R28. No matter how much you order, it will always be R28. The wines themselves are pretty well priced as well. A case of the winning 'Trophy Red Wine', the Boschkloof Syrah, works out to something like R70 a bottle. I'm fine with that.

Check out the website at www.eWinemakerschoice.co.za

The nice thing about these guys is you know you're getting good wine. There's a lot of crap on the shelves these days and you can't choose by price anymore. You also can't just assume that all the wine that Giovanni's stocks is good! Check out my original article and you'll see what I said about the way these wines are judged - probably the most fair method I've ever come across. That said, if you buy from their website you're assured of drinking pleasure. Personally, I have just ordered a case of that Boschkloof and a case of the Saronsberg Sauvignon Blanc. I'll let you know what they're like.

Happy drinking, friends. Cheers! Cheers! (cling cling of glasses). EYES! EYES! CHEERS (cling cling), EEEEEYES !!!!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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One of the funnier websites you will use in your life
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I have really been quite tickled by this website. Tickled 'pink' you could even say. The website in question brings up random facts about Vin Diesel. They're all made up, but they all play on his whole macho, hard-core danger man vibe.

Nice, Vin

They generally talk about how super-human he is. You refresh the page for another random fact. I didn't think that made up crap could be so funny. Here are four I got in a row.

"Vin Diesel thinks in morse code"

" Vin Diesel has a go kart which runs off the hopes and dreams of orphans. It's very fast."

" Vin Diesel cannot be killed by man of woman born."

"When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down."

CLICK HERE FOR RANDOM VIN DIESEL FACT.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The internet born phenomenon
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She has earned herself the title of "hottest ass on the internet" (search for her on the internet) and she goes by the name Keyra Augustina. It is true, she does have a bum. And yes, her bum is hot. We've had a few hundred photos of her bum in our photos section for a number of months now. Perhaps you never knew that? Apologies if you did not. Before I link you directly to her bum, let me give you a small tester:

Yes, Darling! Your bum looks FINE in that!

Do yourself a favour and CLICK HERE to go the photos section and then go to the Keyra Augustina photo gallery.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Peroni brings a bit of flesh to the otherwise dull roundabout
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My Monday morning trip to Giovanni's was uplifted further by the 6 angels tanning on deck chairs in the middle of the Green Point traffic circle. What a pleasure! The girls are there to promote the launch of Peroni's Natro Azzuro beer in South Africa. Besides the girls, I'm pretty excited for the arrival of the beer - it's one of my favourites when travelling abroad.

I thought I'd buy the girls some refreshments (they can't drink beer ALL day) and, after quenching their thirst with a wide selection of coolies, I took this pic to show you! Cute little angels. Cute, but naughty. Very naughty. Naughty little angels. I tell you one thing, they all needed a bloody good hiding.

The Green Point 'upliftment programme' is going well
(CLICK FOR BIGGER PIC)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Last opportunity to send in contestants
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We've got a good bunch so far and will continue to accept possible contestants until the end of this week (11 November). After last year's excitement and mayhem of Mr 2oceansvibe 2004, we're expecting nothing but complete hysteria this year!

So if you've got that special single friend who you think has what it takes to be this year's Mr. 2oceansvibe, then get your A into G and email their photo, along with description and vital stats. As long as they're from Cape Town and are single then they stand a chance of being accepted into this year's competition.

Go go go!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As cute cuddly toy bites off woman's nose
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I'm sure some might say that this little rant will secure my residence in hell, but something must be said about this NEVERENDING current local story of the woman who had her nose bitten off by a seal. (subsequently published on CNN, Yahoo news and BBC). If you haven't been subjected to the bombardment, a woman SOMEWHERE in the Cape Province was with her daughter and tried to roll a stranded seal into the sea.

Are you listening to me? the woman TRIED TO ROLL THE SEAL INTO THE SEA! With her fucking hands!

(I'm watching IDOLS as I write this story and I must just interrupt this story to say that the IDOLS judge, Mara, is now, offically, the most embarassing South African we have to offer. Mara, you are the worst pain I have ever felt. What is going through your head? What are you doing? Are you on fucking mushrooms?)

Sorry about that. Back to the 'seal woman'. So this woman is clearly in need of some mental help. Normal human beings' natural instinct of self preservation tells them not to come into direct contact with wild animals. I was in Hermanus today and saw a baboon on the side of the road. I had a good look at that baboon. It was so fucking wild it was ridiculous. Now if that baboon was stuck on a rock, do you think I would go and help it get off the rock? No. And neither would you. Do you know why, seal woman? BECAUSE IT'S A WILD ANIMAL, A WILD BABOON! Not Curious George. A WILD baboon! Just as wild as the Cape Fur Seal.

So she obviously saw the seal and thought, "Ag, shame! Look at that poor, cute, cuddly, wuggly, fluffy widdle seal!" She obviously did that, because the proof certainly was in the pudding. Do you know why people don't help wild animals, seal woman? 90% of the people on the planet's answer to that questions will be, "Because they'll bite your fucking nose off". The other 10% are either dead, missing a nose or had to undergo plastic surgery (a la local seal attack victim). What did you expect? Did you expect the wild animal to lick your face like a puppy? It's not a fluffy toy! It's a live wild animal. And do you know what her quote was to the press? It blew me away. She said, "It didn't look like it would bite me." Aaaah, thanks for that. That was just priceless. It's people like you that ensure the rest of us get decent jobs. Let's have a look at something here. I present you with the bear:

A cute fluffy bear.

Look who is standing here! It's cute cuddly Mr. Bear! Mr. Bear looks like he's lost. LET'S WALK RIGHT UP TO MR BEAR AND ASK HIM IF HE NEEDS DIRECTIONS!!!

Tee hee. "Hello, Mr. Bear! Are you looking for direc.....".




 

[HEAD OFF]



 

When the story broke last week, I did the same thing I do every time I read a story that I think is made up - I check the date on the newspaper, to see if it is April 1. It wasn't. This story had actually gone to press. And why is it so amazing that the story went to press? Allow me to illustrate. I cut off the tip of my index finger when I was a kid. I was playing with a pen knife which I managed to get my grubby hands on. I cut it clean off. Somehow they managed to put it back and it healed and sealed perfectly. The newspapers didn't mention a fucking thing. No one knew about it except my family and my class at school. Kids shouldn't play with penknives. Everyone knows that. It's just a fact. Now read my finger tips as I type this:

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CHILD CUTTING OFF A FINGER, AND A WOMAN HAVING HER NOSE BITTEN OFF BY A WILD SEAL.

Humans shouldn't play with live wild seals. Everyone knows that. It's just a fact. Only sharks are allowed to play with seals.

Here we see a shark helping a seal back into the water

Not only did they introduce this ridiculous story to our lives, but the story refuses to go away. Nearly every day we are delivered updates on the story. "She's getting plastic surgery" (No shit). "They're taking skin from her ass or something" (No shit). "The surgery is complete!" (Hooray!) "She is looking forward to seeing the results" (Wank).

I'm over it. I feel sorry for your her, obviously, but it was a stupid fucking thing to do.

UPDATE: The woman now wants to sue the SPCA for not putting warnings on the beach that seals are dangerous. She thought that seals are like whales - needing to be in the water at all times. The seal in question was basking in the sun, having a snooze. I would have also bitten her head off if she came up to me on Clifton and tried to roll me into the water.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Our number one tart knows her best angle
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Just a quick one to show an animated pic I found of Paris. It rapidly flashes a magnitude of photos of our little slut, one after the other, showing how good she is at locking in the same angle.

That's it. Don't move.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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For giving us this beautiful man to laugh at
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I've been sitting here for a while now, thinking of the funniest things to say with regards to this article. But there is no need. This shit sells itself. Boys and girls, we are truly blessed. I want you to read through these lyrics and, only once you've done that, I want you to download the leaked sample of Mr Britney Spears, Kevin Federline's new single, "Y'all Aint Ready". This is the one that Britney mocked him about. She said he would sell 100, maybe 1,000 copies (article here). Well, if Britters can mock him, I think we should bloody well do the same. Kevin, you're right, we AREN'T ready.

"And this is me and your daddy on our honeymoon"

 
"Ya'll Ain't Ready" by K-Fed.

I should be saying
Keep my damn name out of your mouth
But you people keep increasin' my change amount

So, go ahead and say what you wanna
I'm going to sell out, turn around and then I'm gonna

I know you wish you was in my position
'Cause I keep getting in situations that you wish you was in
'Cause I'm not your brother
Not your uncle
I ain't your daddy too
Stepping in this game and you ain't got a clue

My prediction is that y'all gonna hate me
And this style that we create straight 2008

But I know that you really can't wait
'Cause people are always asking me
When's the release date?
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then all these paparazzi are following me

Getting anxious go take a peek
I'm starring in your magazine now every day of the week

Back then
They called me K Fed
But you can call me Daddy instead

Back then
They called me K Fed
But you can call me Daddy instead

Yes, you read those last two stanzas correctly. He would appreciate it if you referred to him as "Daddy" from now on.

Click HERE to download Keving Federline's sample single 'Y'all aint ready'.

Brace yourselves...

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The end is nigh..
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I wasn't thinking the other morning and didn't realise my radio was stuck on 5FM (from the night before). I've mentioned this before and would like to reiterate that I firmly believe that Mark Gillman's cross weed-eater/circular-saw rasping screech of a voice is sub-consciously the reason behind 90% of the country's road rage incidents. Two minutes into the show I realised I had a migraine filtering across my brain. I nearly caused an accident as I launched myself across my steering wheel to change the station over to Kfm and Nic Marais (94.5 FM) who carries Mark Gillman's entire intelligence and humour capabilities inside the thin piece of skin between his left thumb and index finger. I've been doing some research and I'm willing to bet that Gillman is on the way out. Cape Times, I'll let you take it from here.

In science we call this a "vacuum"

Having a squizz around the "internet", I came across this little gem of an article which was written in March, 2003 and makes reference to him signing a 24 month deal with 5FM. So that went on until March this year. I've been told it was renewed again, but only for 12 months. If my calculations are correct, then in five months time, we, like Nelson Mandela, will enjoy freedom like no other. Radio stations have realised that the 'stark raving' novelty has worn off and the listeners would rather have something to think/talk/muse about, rather than point at. I doubt 5FM want to continue down that road.

There was further punishment to be had. Gillman's latest TV show which was called something like "Gillman, make me famous" was quite sad. It's been a number of years since I've seen visual footage of Gillman and when I had a glimpse at the show I couldn't help but cringe. I was shocked. To see a 35 year old man acting like a demented mole and attempting (most unsuccessfully) to be hip in front of 17 year olds is not nice to watch. And I mean that. As much as I can't stand him, at that moment I really felt for him. He's clutching at straws. It's over.

And so, in closing, I've taken some words by Eminem which were orginally directed at the musician, Moby. I've changed them slightly.

Gillman you can get stomped by bushmen,
you 35 year old straw headed fag
Blow me, you don't know me
You too old, let go, its over.
Nobody listens to your show

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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At a secret location high in the Constantia hills
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Well, we are gobsmacked! We have just received this TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting from someone who managed to find themselves at a private gathering of the TBG and his closest friends at a mansion in the Constantia hills. You can tell by the way the TBG is goofin' around, that he is totally relaxed in this environment. This is not the public TBG that some of us have been lucky enough to have witnessed. No no. This is the private TBG. The man behind the man - totally relaxed. Happy to be silly for the camera, the last thing he expects is for the photographer to send it in as a TBG sighting.

The Private TBG

Nick W had this to say:

"A friend invited me to an upmarket gathering at a macking pad in Constantia. I didn't know many people and was nervous to go. I wouldn't have been so nervous if my friend had told me the f*cking TBG would be there! I had no idea my friend was friends with the TBG. Apparently he hangs with him ALL THE TIME! Anyway, I had a cold beer with the TBG and then went to the other side of the party because I was too nervous to say something stupid to him. We chatted for virtually 10 minutes! I pretended to take individual shots of everyone so that when I snapped him, he thought it was normal. He truly is a living legend. I'd love to meet him again when I'm less nervous!"

Brilliant work, Nick! It's TBG sightings like that that keep us all going. Keeping us alert, waiting for our very own TBG sighting. God bless the TBG.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Camps Bay's very own action man
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I risked high blood presure and an asthma attack on Saturday night when I entered Tuscany Beach restaurant on the Camps Bay strip. Surprisingly, everything went along smoothly. But that's not what I want to chat about. I want to chat about the security guard I saw inside. I've wanted to talk about him before but I hadn't come close enough to him to be properly inspired. For the sake of this article, we'll call him 'Claude'. He works for one of those private security companies. White guy.

The first time I spotted Claude was on the road between Clifton and Camps Bay - near La Med. It was a split second moment in time. Our boy, Claude, was climbing out of his private security company car, near the bus stop where the deprived Camps Bay High School kids wait for the bus. (I say 'deprived' sarcastically, referring to the obvious joys of being able to watch the Atlantic Ocean while your maths teacher blabs on about sin, tan and cos. God, I would have paid good money for a wave to crash over Sweaty Betty's enormous medicine ball head). Back to Claude. Back to that split second moment in time. I just remember him climbing out, with his black shades on and black gelled hair. It was like a vision. He had one of those walkie-talkie radio control things secured to his shirt, high up on his chest. That was to talk to 'base'. He (obviously) had an ear piece in his ear, to listen to 'base'. His security uniform was pitch black, with all sorts of paraphernalia around the waist region. The leatherman, the handcuffs, the cellphone and, of course, the 9mm semi-automatic pistol - also black. But he was, without a shadow of a doubt, re-enacting something he saw in a movie somewhere. I swear to God. He paused as he emerged from the car and sort of gazed into the distance as he brought his metal frame black sunglasses to his face. The image is frozen in my mind. He was going for that vibe that says "My job rocks. Look how fucking cool my job is. I deal with danger, constantly. But I make it look cool. I still have time to look at the chicks. I'm a local sex symbol. I could probably model if I wanted to, but I don't - I stop crime. On top of that, I could probably bang most of the housewives around here if I wanted to." You could tell he wasn't the brightest little star in God's universe.

A badge. Similair to that of which Claude may have donned.

The second time I saw Claude he was hanging outside the entrance to the Camps Bay Police Station. Standing, leaning back against the wall, one foot on the ground, and one lifted against the wall. Cool, but always on the lookout for a heist of sorts about to happen. He was boring one of the cops on the steps. You can imagine the discussions he throws at them about crime.

Claude : "I got a call out to this house on Geneva drive yesterday"

Real cop : "Uh huh" [bored]

"So I get there and check that the outside gate is open"

"uh huh"

"I cased the joint and entered the premises, with my piece drawn"

"mm hmm"

"I check these fucken kids climbing out a window on the other side of the house. So I did a dive roll and ran around the side of the house."

"Why did you do a dive roll?"

"In case they fired shots."

"mm hmm"

"So I get about 15 meters from the kids and I pointed my piece at them and said "Get down on the fucking ground, you little mother fucking fuckers!""

"Uh-huh" [bored, checking his nails]

"They fucking shat themselves! I arrested them. That'll teach them to fuck with me."

"How old were they"

"About 12"

"Good work".

"The owner's wife came home and I told her what happened. I banged her on the kitchen table"

"That's a lie, Claude"

"Ok, but she did make me a cup of tea".

So on Saturday I saw Claude inside Tuscany Beach (third sighting), at the end of the bar - drinking a coffee out of a big mug - like they do in the movies. He was boring the barman in the corner. He suddenly froze, like he was witnessing something terrifying. The barman was about to say something. Claude interrupted. He held his one finger to his earpiece and held the other hand up to the barman showing a 'shhh' finger. He grabbed his mug and DOWNED his coffee at top speed. "What's going on?", asked the barman. "We got a 'situation'. I can't give you details", he replied. He burst out of the restaurant shouting into the radio on his chest things like, "Domino One, do you copy?".

What a beaut! Keep an eye out for him.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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