She is clearly delusional
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We're still reeling from the news that Paris Hilton is engaged.

Enagaged. Why? Why?

I'll write something about it when I come around.

READ MORE HERE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Cruise forgets that he's not on the set of Jerry Maguire
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The Cruisemeiser worries me sometimes. Just download this video and look how he clearly acts like he did when he made his 'Mission Statement' in Jerry Maguire.

Cruise - what happened, angel?

It's hard for us to admit that Tom Cruise has completely lost the plot - he is, after all, Maverick from Top Gun and Cole Trickle from Days of Thunder and Joel from Risky Business and Jerry Maguire from ..... yes...obviously.

DOWNLOAD CRUISE GETTING CONFUSED
BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND ACTING HERE
(about half a Meg)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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"In the best interests of the game" - BULLSHIT
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South African Rugby's two most famous racists, Andre Markgraaff and Brian van Rooyen made up yesterday in the 'best interests of South African rugby'.

This won't be a long article. Just a very obvious pointing out of the fact that the ONLY reason the two racists made up was to save themselves. BOTH of their heads were about to roll and they jointly decided that they should refrain from cutting off their noses to spite their fat faces.

I must also mention that I continue to be amazed that someone who was caught on tape referring to someone as a 'kaffir' was later employed as the DEPUTY FUCKING PRESIDENT OF the South African Rugby Union.

We believe his mother loves him.

Markgraaff - enjoys the word 'kaffir'

CLICK HERE for more spin and bullshit

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

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A landmark moment in Cape Town history
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Oh my sack! My body trembles as I write this. My legs are frozen to the ground. I have received two mind blowing things this morning. Firstly, we have recevied contact from the TBG.... and secondly....... he is somehow connected to David Hasselhof!

I know!

This is the email I received from the alleged TBG:

Wake up people, David Hasselhof is a legend.

It seems that we are on a pointless crusade, thoughtlessly fighting to fault the one man we have all, at some honest point in our lives, dreamt of being. We mock him for things which subconsciously we dream of.

I have known Michael for some time now. We met in the mid 80’s when I used to run for the sofa at 7pm, still chewing my last mouthful of dinner, launch from at least a meter and half away in order to beat my brother and make it just in time to feel the opening tune of Knight Rider pulsate through my body like a rush of adrenalin. It would run down my veins and pump through my heart transporting me into the bucket seat of what must be every boys dream. The talking car… a talking car… KITT (If you don’t know what that stands for you are a loser).

He gave us our very first injection of artificial intelligence right there. How many times have we fantasized: Setting off on the open road, darning a daring blood-red polar neck and jet-black leather jacket, KITT, armour-plated, chick-pulling, auto-piloted, gun-shielding, mach-speed bulleting, turbo-boost buttoning, black-talking Trans-fricken-Am, complete with red swishing unnecessarily spicy lights.

The TBG and The Hoff - UN BE LIEVABLE

Take a bow Michael, excellent first scene.

Curtains open.
Scene two.
Enter Mitch Buchannon. Time stood still, literally.
Leaving us (for what seemed like an eternity) in a trail of dark tight jeans, red polar necks, open necked shirts and shattered youthful dreams, he struck back. Coming in from the cold, like an explosion of sunshine, bringing a new form of red in the form of breath-takingly tight shorts despite obviously skinny legs. He found us again, and realizing that we were older, wiser and completely puberty stricken, he gave us California. He made it hot, and he put in right back in front of our KITT sofa.

He invested in Bay Watch himself and hence continued his influence on the shaping of our future. By rejuvenating a failed show, he gave us a reason to live, a reason to wake up every morning, a reason to look past the pimples reflecting in the rain drenched window. He gave us Pamela Anderson. He placed her, running, on a heavenly innocent, white, desolate beach, with a back-lit, shimmering sea like the sparkling of an angel’s blue eyes. He did all this just for us, and what’s more, he did it in slow-mo.

Then, as Bay Watch started to droop, David looked inside, deep inside, and touched the desire we all have, he wanted to be a rock star. David, knowing that his voice was somewhat shocking, traveled to where people wouldn’t know the difference between Kenny Rodgers and William Hung. He went to East Berlin before the wall came a crumbling down and there he sang those big hunky lungs out for those poor lost people. He gave them an anthem and an 8 week number one. Once again putting others first.

He has since earned a long over due star on the Hollywood Walk of fame, checked into the Betty Ford Clinic like all good rock stars and been personally fucked by OJ Simpson. The guy is hurting people.

As a final thought, let’s all walk down that childhood memory lane and remember David’s sprinkling of black Trans-Ams, polar-necks, leather, red shorts, beautiful woman, beautifully curly hair, white teeth, endless good times and all the sweet joy he has given to us.

Thank you David, you are indeed a legend.

- The TBG

I am finished....

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

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Now you CAN deal with work on Wednesday

One of my social co-ordinators informed me of something that should be investigated. Apparently 'Po na na' (my choice of pre-going-out-drinks venues (along with Osaka (Dharma's boy))) had launched a vibe for Tuesday nights involving the screening of a movie. I went along with the plan.

We scurried along on Tuesday night and, upon arrival, were ushered to a little room. Surrounding the room were six little 'booths'. The booths basically split up a 30 seater sofa with a little table in each section. We kicked off our shoes and watched 'The Incredibles' over a few toots and pizza. Excluding booze, the entry and pizza is R35 a head. Not a bad vibe for a Tuesday. Not a bad vibe for rainy weather. Not a bad vibe for Winter. There's a new movie every week until January.

And right there, just like that, Po na na cornered the Tuesday night market.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

God, he's a card !

Trump can't help but amuse. He's launching 'Trump University' now. It will be $300 a person and will last one or two weeks. Surprisingly, the company will be a 'for-profit' organisation.

We do like The Donald. We feel he would almost certainly subscribe to the 2oceansvibe way of life.

Go Donald go go go!

Donald explains that 'over easy' eggs
doesn't mean 'hard' eggs

CLICK HERE FOR FULL STORY (New York Daily News)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

At Ryan's carwash

I had a gander at Ryan's carwash last week. Granted, Ryan's carwash does advertise on 2oceansvibe and you're probably thinking I'm giving them a punt here. This is not the case. 2oceansvibe advertisers are here for a reason - they are liked. How could we possibly follow mass market medias' example of advertising anyone who has the money to pay? Then you wouldn't be safe and cosy here. You'd feel threatened. 2oceansvibe is not a place where you are scared. You are at home here. You know 2oceansvibe readers are only handled with cotton wool. You know it's all about you. It's ALL for you. Everything.

So I cruised into Ryan's carwash at about 8 in the morning the other day. I parted the sliding doors to the office and was presented with yet another unique set of company. The standard Ryan was at the coffee machine drumming up another espresso for one of the two guys on the sofa.

As a mustang driver (as seen in the centre of the logo), Ryan is not shy of the odd tatoo and trucker hat. The office provides the user with a five meter-long shelf displaying models of American type muscle and classic cars. Framed original 19God-knows-what Mustang HUB CAPS cover the wall above the coffee machine. He clearly loves the car vibe. Or more to the point, the CLEAN car vibe. Why don't you open up a carwash, Ryan? .........a-thang-ya!

So anyway, I got sucked into a vibe there for about 40 minutes. The two other guys turned out to both be involved in clothing. By the end of it they had basically signed a clothing deal and I was in hysterics. Two absolute characters! People still showed visible excitement about the revelation that we were all somehow connected. The obligatory "My God, it's a small World" exclaims were abound. The one guy had recently sold the house next door to mine - obviously. Ryan spent the time squeezing out Italian espresso's and, in a fit of excitement, attempted to work out how he could skim off the top of any business dealings that came together in his office. Hilarious. The one, a Dannie de Vito lookalike, was not ashamed of bringing in a draft of wind with a smell to it which can only be described as Swaziland's finest. 'De Vito', a successful businessman, saw it as a very necessary part of his morning. Good form, Danny!

And so Ryan has decided to expand his carwash's unique recipe even closer to the people. The 2oceansvibe people. I am happy to report that another Ryan's carwash is opening in Green Point very soon. The new development called 'Portside', next to Mano's, will be home to the new branch. Opening in mid-December, the development includes a new Vida e coffee branch, as well as Jenni Button and the crew. And so, thank the Lord, the Green Point / Sea Point cleanup continues.

Now you can cheer yourself up after sleeping in your car down the road following another depressing night at Opium.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Nothing new

Our regular readers will have read a similar post to this a few times in the past. Every Monday now and then it just becomes a bit much for Seth.

I went to a casino and entertainment KINDGDOM in Durban this weekend and am absolutely FINISHED. There will be more later/tomorrow.

I will be chatting about a wild array of topics including entertainment kingdoms, Po Na Na, a particular Wimbledon 4-times-semi-finalist, Ryan's carwash and so much more.

But you can't be angry with Seth can you? No you can't. And why is that? You know why. It's because Seth spoils you so much. Doesn't he? Yes he does.

I think I know some VERY spoilt little boys and girls who don't have a leg to stand on!

Now to cheer you up I present to you the funniest thing I have found in my inbox THIS YEAR. You can imagine how much crap builds up in my inbox. Out of all the crap, this made it.

Geniedit.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Models get into full-on b*tch fight in London

I quote:

"A MODEL ends up topless on the pavement — in an amazing catfight outside a top club over two Premiership footballers."

Wow! Can you get a better news report?

Full story, plus the pics you're looking for, are only a click away!

We REALLY need to get this type of thing happening in Cape Town!

Un be lievable action!

CLICK HERE FOR FULL STORY AND PICS

thanks Stuart

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Princess from BRAVEHEART nip-slips up at Cannes

I think we all fell in love with her in Braveheart. Sophie Marceau has been many a guy's fave. And now we can like her even more. What a relief it didn't turn out to be the shocker that we received from Tara Reid. No Sir! This one is just fine.

Yes, of course, how could you forget?

It's not often we show slips on this site as it causes ultra-conservatives to mis-use the words 'p0rn site' when referring to 2oceansvibe.

Nonetheless, we have a video and a pic of the action paced half a second! When you see the video you will NOT believe that they managed to get a photograph. It must have lasted all of 0.2 seconds.

CLICK PIC FOR FULL SIZED IMAGE (NSFW)

and, naturally,

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD VIDEO (about 0.5 Mb)
(As we always suggest, the best way is to right click
and Save Target As)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

The new Carl's Jr Burger Ad

It is times like these that my job becomes VERY easy. Paris Hilton has become the face of Carl's Jr Burgers. Yes, that is correct. The burger joint, known as the 'Home of the six Dollar burger'. Obviously Paris is perfect for the role because it's an expensive burger..... she buys expensive things etc etc. Let me tell you, friends, the Paris Hilton phenomenon will NOT stop unless she is involved in a plane crash. Don't be angry with her.

So, the Carl's Jr Paris Hilton advert IS SO HOT and features the little one WASHING A BENTLEY NEARLY NAKED. It has been banned on some TV stations is AVAILABLE RIGHT HERE FOR DOWNLOAD. I don't know why we spoil you so much. I don't even think you've been behaving enough to justify this video. But I'll give it to you anyway.

I think I know some VERY lucky little boys and girls.

RIGHT CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE
Paris Hilton Carl's Jr TV ad
Then 'save target as' (Warning - size is 5Mb - 6Mb)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

A rare find

A moment occured at Planet bar on Friday night when 2oceansvibe stumbled upon the TBG and was able to catch a photo of the elusive Cape Town enigma. We took a pic of the TBG with a (clearly excited) fan of his.

The TBG told us that he only recently became aware of his TBG status but is still very confused about how it all started. So are we, TBG. (repeat sentence for effect) - so are we.

I wanted to put the picture up here, before the Picture of the Moment changes. Keep the picture for a few years - it'll be worth a FORTUNE one day.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Glad you saw the light

A VERY BIG golf clap goes out to DIMENSION DATA for finally lifting the ban on 2oceansvibe. They finally realised the importance of 2oceansvibe to the well being of all Capetonians. They also obviously realised that knowledge of 2oceansvibe and client banter in that regard is as good as a round of golf.

Welcome back Di-Data, you have set the tone for other institutions who have more red tape than home affairs.

I mean, is it really because of the use of the word 'fuck'?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Why don't you like her?

With Avril Lavigne having played live in Cape Town this weekend there is a lot of Avril talk on the streets. I have been asked on numerous occasions if I like her. Why would I not like Avril Lavigne?

I have heard a large amount of people, in particular guys, saying they HATE her. Jesus, guys! Why do you HATE Avril Lavigne? Why are you so angry with her? She's a gorgeous angel punking around and behaving like a rock star. I'd be far worse and I certainly don't think it's reason to hate her. You must enjoy these pics.

An angel rock star.
There's nothing wrong with that.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Sea Point

Sharing the aisles with a constant stream of super models practising for ramp work is the ONLY reason I don't slam Super Spar for not having large jars of Judy's Pickled Onions, or Carmel gherkins in a tin, or Mello and Mild ORIGINAL flavour mustard.

ITS THE ONLY REASON

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

After Planet
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Once you've dealt with Morpheus the bouncer at the foyer entrance, you get the feeling that you're on your way to an illegal poker room. It feels like some sort of an opening scene of a Steven Segal movie. The silence of the high-speed elevator ride, girls giggling, guys shuffeling. Everyone staring at the changing digital floor numbers above the door. I commented to the tart on my right that I thoroughly enjoyed her fish net stockings.

"They're actually from Woolworths", she tells me.

"Does it matter where you bought them? They're fish nets".

The doors opened on the 31st floor presenting a complete change of senses; music pumping, large pods of angels hurtling around at high speeds and a vulture's view of the City of Cape Town at night time. (Did you enjoy my semi-colon back there?) Sand blasted glass surrounds the VIP section where girls dance on tables and the club owners knock over buckets of champagne. Welcome to Hemisphere night club on the 31st floor of the ABSA building. It's quite fun here.

Angels. Three of them. Three angels.

We farted around and danced with some of the underage angels (These we refer to as 'UNDERangels'). I threw out some moves, allowing them to feed off me. They did. I had to have a chat with Janine the VIP hostess. Gorgeous.

My barman (earlier seen skulking around the loos) was very silly. Do barmen still argue that the incorrect drink they just served you REALLY IS what you ordered? No one cares if you think I said 'lime' and not 'ice'. Take the fucking glass.... empty it........ and pour a double Jameson with ICE, not LIME, white guy.

It's not that easy. This particular prima donna stormed over to the sink, turned to me and shouted over all of the music and the noise, "I'll have to put in (pay) for this!". Still looking at me, with his arm outstretched behind him, he turned his hand - allowing the contents of the incorrect drink in his hand to pour expertly into the sink, without him having to look at it. With his foot tap tap tapping on the floor like a proper little bitch.

VERY IMPRESSIVE...........TOOL. But please note that your little toy throwing exercise has taken 20 seconds out of our evening. Get that double Jammy and then, if you behave, I'll use your head as a step, allowing me to climb up and over you to reach things. Like if I wanted to reach up and get a cooler box on top of the kitchen cupboard. I'll use your head like that - like a step.

As I write this, MTV has gone back in time and played Britney Spears 'Baby one more time'. God I miss you, Brit. Can't we just start over?

Back to the bar. The double Jammy's and ice finally arrived.

"Thanks, Dave"

"My name's not Dave"

"...........what?"

"I said my name is not Dave"

"....whatever"

I must say, the dance floor was heaps of fun. Heaps. And the angels played so nicely! Groups of four, sometimes five angels at once - dancing, playing, smiling, laughing.....jumping. You're very cute, Romi. Sadly the DJ wasn't able to play my current late, unhealthy obsession with Good Charlotte's 'I just want to live'. I didn't expect him to have it, it's not the right "vibe". The DJ left later in the evening allowing the actual club to take over the choice of music. It was around this time that our ears started to bleed. That little "Greased Lightning" medly causes migraines - does no one realise that?

I'm still not ready to use their valet parking. Might take the chopper next time and go in directly from the 31st floor landing pad.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Some sort of a road trip?

This, friends, is the kind of thing you can find in the 2oceansvibe classified section. It's none other than the Honda CBR600RR. We don't know what the f*ck it is - but it looks pretty serious.

It's just one of the things you'll find there. Other things include cars, houses to rent, flats to rent, computers, toys, love, digs mates wanted, digs mates hated and lots lots more!

Spawn of Satan

The 2oceansvibe CLASSIFIED section. CLICK HERE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

From London's Capital FM this morning

Sh1t, you know, we REALLY do look after you lot.... our precious readers. As you will see below, Johnny Vaughan at London's Capital FM interviewed one of our favourite favourites this morning...... David 'THE HOFF" Hasselhoff!

Dave, teasing the camera

I know!

I listen to the Capital morning show over the "internet" every now and then. I tuned in this morning and what a fluke it was!!! I made a recording of the one section.... just for you.

The vibe he throws is un be lievable! The voice is impossible to describe! One of the highlights of the recording is The Hoff doing his rendition of the voiceover that used to play during the Knightrider theme tune.

Moving on
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE 6Mb file
(right click and 'save target as')

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

HURRY FRIENDS

!!! STOP EVERYTHING !!!

If you get this article early enough (08h15 - 09h00 Friday (SA time)) click HERE and click 'listen live' on the top right of the screen to listen to Capital FM in London.

Johnny Vaughan is about to interview The Hoff.

Its bound to be hilarious.

UPDATE: It was hilarious and we recorded it for you

Watch site for downloads.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Ummm. Ok.

Natalie Portman has shaved her head for an upcoming movie. That's all this article is about. Nothing funny or awe-inspiring. Just a photo of her pip. A big cricket fan, Portman mentioned Gibbs being a big influence on her new vibe.

BEFORE

AFTER

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

As the ever-bored British youth occupy themselves

I've always maintained that life in London surrounds three factors - money, fame and sex. You'll be talking about one or the other all day long. The bulk of news reports in London are either to do with famous people, money, or sex scandals/crimes. A result of this is a fourth element - boredom - and the British kids do it well! When not busy with trying out new drugs (you kids should come and hang with our lot - TIK is the flavour of the month) or a new sexual position, hooliganism is the call of the day.

Welcome to the new craze called 'Happy Slapping'. Kids are using video phones to film themselves or their friends slapping strangers in the face. Jesus guys! Reports have stated the craze has taken to new levels where people are FLY KICKING strangers in the face. I don't quite know what to say. I know its bad but you can't help but laugh at the pure ridiculousness of it. I mean they really are getting bored. There is something that needs to be addressed. Somehow I know it is linked to the large amount of revolting elderly men in London who have little children's bodies under their floor boards. Those stories are PERMANENTLY in the British press.

MORE ON HAPPY SLAPPING HERE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Obviously

In a very obvious part of the Michael Jackson trial, Macaulay Culkin took the stand. As we all know, Jackson played so nicely with Culkin in the old days when Culkin made his name after the movie Home Alone.

Culkin - not as cute these days

Culkin claims nothing happened. Culkin, being in financial trouble at the moment, struggling with work, obviously got a nice payout. He also probably forgot how Michael used to 'wash' his body with his tongue - a habit picked up from his pet chimp (and first victim), Bubbles.

More from CNN HERE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

One of our original Borderline Boilers gets hitched

For someone who was seeing Jim Carrey, it could be deemed quite surprising that she has saddled up with country singer Kenny Chesney (absolute beaut!).

Chezzers

Jon C sent in this pic of Zellweger, asking if she was a Borderline Boiler. Do you not read all the articles, Jon? There is a list of them further down this page, including Renners. This pic is, however, a prime example of a borderline boiler.

Clearly a borderline boiler

CLICK HERE FOR STORY

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Get into the week
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I watched a tv programme on MNET on Sunday night. It was part of a rare treat combining said show, ‘Show me the Mommy’, with Carters (Ruda’s hair is looking positively revolting. God knows where Derek is.) and the eight o’ clock movie, ‘Love Actually'. What a pleasure.

‘Show me the Mommy’ is something to behold. The idea is for the mothers of the girls to spend time with the suitor and for him to choose the daughter from experiences with their mother. Three mothers, three daughters, one guy. The guy was Coenrad and he was a piece of work.

Coenrad. Relaxed... yet challenging the camera

When they showed general day-to-day footage of him (getting out of the car etc.) they had a clip of him taking a jog. Not just jogging.

Shadow boxing while he jogged

Shadow boxing

Like Rocky.

(expats and poms in the UK around 2000 will have visions of Nasty Nick from Big Brother at this stage)

Mr 2oceansvibe would do better than Coenrad. The first mother told him her daughter did part time modeling. Indeed, she was a little angel and certainly would have been my choice. The best of the bunch.

Mother daughter pair number one

He was impressed with this and said he was ‘between jobs’ and busy trying to “break into modeling”. You should come to Cape Town, Coenster. People often get their lunch for free in Camps Bay for unknowingly being extras in ads. Everyones a model. It’s your birthright. I had a big break taking a piss on the side of the road in a Volkswagon ad. The ad world needs good pissers. I saw the gap. I took it. Coenrad mentioned before that he wanted to get on the show to ‘get exposure’. What about finding love, Coenrad?

So anyway, on their date she chose to take him to the shooting range. (We should definitely present this show to an overseas audience. Great PR.). She exclaimed after the date that Coenrad was ‘A FANTASTIC shot. She was visibly turned on. She decided that he would be “A great asset to our family”. Jesus.

Mother daughter pair number two

The second mother was an absolute tart and virtually gave the bachelor a blow job in the Jacuzzi at a health spa they went to. Naturally Coenrad chose her daughter (this, by the way, is purely based on his time with her mother) and won a date with her daughter. Her daughter is the one who (on national television) said to the show’s hostess that her man needs to spend stacks of money on her. I quote, “if I want love I’ll get a dog. If I want sex I’ll get a dildo”.

On national television

Oh my God

This is why they make these shows. It’s certainly not to find love – it is for us to be absolutely flabbergasted at the people we share our nationality with (I’ve just got absolutely flustered over whether nationality is a capital ‘N’ or a small ‘n’. Keep rolling). Honestly, how else can you showcase this lot? God they’re amazing! The third mother was heavily overweight and chose to go on a Boot Camp date. To boot camp. Real boot camp. It was her choice. With obstacle courses and leopard crawling. ……. Needless to say she almost died and he hated her by the end. Her daughter was a terror.

Mother daughter pair number three

The hostess of the show is not dissimilar to Maude and I cannot fathom as to what she is doing there. Apparently she came up with the idea. Bernie Ecclestone heads the Great Formula One Road Show – he doesn’t present it. He knows his strengths.

But don’t go changin', local TV. There is nothing better than watching us trying to reproduce and copy big money US network TV type shows. It’s those little local rough edges than humour us so much. The cringe factor keeps us coming back. Like turning on Supersport and actually watching Joost and Joel talk (using his sinuses to create his voice, rather than his vocal chords). We have a dirty desire to watch.

Keep ‘em coming.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
 
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Super 12, the tests and the upcoming tri-nations

We have been pretty quiet lately when the subject of rugby has come up. Rather than voicing our opinions on the state of SA rugby, we have actually given up. I'm too tired to moan about it. It's boring now. We're absolutely fucked and the adminitrators are running around in square circles. Finger pointing has turned into a more exciting sport than the actual game. Fuck you Gert! No, fuck you van Rooyen! It's boring. We can't shout anymore. No-one listens except the public who are in support of every argument printed against the system. Don't expect the people in charge to listen.

By the way, DID YOU KNOW THAT BRIAN VAN ROOYEN HAS THE PRIVATISED TENDER FOR TRAFFIC AND PARKING FINES IN THE WESTERN CAPE? Just a little tit bit for you.

Anyway, we have a solution. NICK MALLET is the guest speaker at a rugby breakfast on Thursday, 26 May at The Albow Centre (Hatfield Street, Gardens). Just last week, the press were talking about a bold new plan unveiled by Mallet. Nick will be talking about South Africa’s REVOLTING performance and where he feels we need to improve in the Super 12, as well as the upcoming Test Series and Tri Nations. This will be followed by a questions and answers session and brief sports memorabilia auction.

The breakfast/fundraiser is organised on behalf of the South African National Maccabi Rugby Team 2005. Following their Gold Medal in the 2001 Maccabi Games a strong squad has been selected to defend their title in the 2005 games. Due to the high cost involved with traveling abroad some of the squad members will be unable to attend without some form of financial assistance.

CLICK HERE FOR FULL FLYER

To join the breakfast, call Warren on 083 655 2541
Or Michael on 082 926 2993
R2,000 for a table of 10
or R220 per person for individual tickets

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

For our love, Katie Holmes

An article called Borderline Boilers was created out of nothing a few weeks back. We discussed the merits of Katie Holmes being a Borderline Boiler.

Borderline Boilers were introduced to me by a friend, Simon, in London. Boilers, being ugly women. So 'borderline boilers' are women that you're not sure about. You're not sure if they're hot or not. (Please don't email in asking if we've heard of the term 'Butterface'). People have different views of what is or isn't beautiful - but we all know what we're talking about when we refer to 'borderline boilers'. The best examples are famous women - their fame clouds your judgement and you think they're in the hot league - and they're not. I called Simon (who is now a very powerful man in Washington) to remind me of the examples we used to give.

Our man in Washington said he had a list of classic Borderline Boilers. The list is below.

But first, this is the latest pic of Katie Holmes to rip into our hearts. It appears the Cruisemeister has given our angel his special brand of lizardpeople juice, in the form of herpes. This is the first step, Katie, he removes your soul and replaces it with essence of Sceintology. To join, you will have to tell your biggest secret. You never leave because they blackmail you for the rest of your life, using your secret against you. Cruise told them he was gay. The rest is history. The title they gave him is 'Roving Mouthpiece'.

Click THERE

And now, our list to add onto the Borderline Boilers list :

Hilary Clinton
Benazir Bhutto
Monica Lewinsky
Carol Vorderman (the epitome of "your mother's nympho mate" according to Viz)
Madonna
Tracy Barlow
Virginia Bottomley
Cher
Penelope Keith
Shapelle Corby (Ozzie banged up in Bali on drug charges)
Rene Zellweger
Suzanne Charlton (TV weather girl of SSVC)
Charlie Dimmock (or is she just a "boiler"?)
Lady Olga Maitland
Mrs Gaskell (definitely!)
Felicity Kendall

Many thanks to Simon K for his insight.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Another excuse to post pictures of Charlotte

A very spicey affair indeed! The former air hostess, Nicole Coste, from Togo, claims she had been seeing the Monegasque prince, who has a reputation as a confirmed bachelor, for five years. According to the former Air France stewardess a DNA test has proved the 47-year-old's paternity.

I think I know a little boy who should have worn protection!!

More on that story HERE (Hello Magazine. Obviously)

[insert paragraph changing the subject to the far more attractive Prince's niece, Princess Charlotte of Monaco]

On that note, we are forced to post pictures of Princess Charlotte of Monaco, The 2oceansvibe Number One Target.

Good Charlotte

I know

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

And so, a face was put to the waitress watch

A few days back, after nagging from readers, we requested a picture of Jaime, our current Waitress Watch waitress.

Lo and behold - a picture appeared on my desktop!! The power of 2oceansvibe, it's quite amazing! Ladies and gents........ I present you with....Jaime - our current Waitress Watch waitress. Only to be found at Eclipse in Camps Bay.

You'll start to get an idea of what we expect from our choice on the Waitress Watch.

That's it. Good angel.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Very cuck

A friend of Seth's, Mr. P Face, sent these in. Mr Face goes up Table Mountain quite regularly to his little spot - a ledge jutting out ('jutting' - another amusing word), hanging over nothing but a massive drop. With his head tilted back like that you'd swear he was getting some action.

Sorry.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Let Karma help you out a bit

Some of our original readers will remember a while back when we requested help towards an operation for a baby. Donations were sent in and the 2oceansvibe community was blessed with good vibes and good karma. We don't do this sort of stuff a lot and would like to stress that it is only now and then when we take a fancy to a particular cause. If you leave it to 2oceansvibe to decide when to give then you will always be safe from bad karma. Surely!

This one is VERY easy. It's not even money that is required. It's shoes. If any of you can honestly say that you do not have an old pair of shoes in your cupboard that you never use, then you needn't worry ('needn't' - now there's a funny word). But you all know that this does apply to you.

It's called 'Heels of Hope' (Ohhh.....ok...I get it. HEELS of hope. Good).

Click here for the flyer with full instructions.

This is the breakdown:

Heels of Hope is a funky, new fundraising campaign with a difference. Aptly named Heels of Hope this program aims to raise a handsome R250 000 for The Red Cross Children's Hospital by recycling 50 000 pairs of donated shoes.
That's right, all your pairs of old and seldom used shoes that are just lying around in your cupboards gathering dust are now able to provide Hope to thousands of patients at The Red Cross Children's Hospital.

Inspired by the recent story of a father who saved his daughters life by donating his kidney to her at The Red Cross Children's Hospital, Shoe HQ and their staff decided that they too can make a difference and created this innovative initiative.  Anyone can help The Red Cross Children's Hospital, whoever has an old or seldom-used pair of shoes can bring them to us, we are also offering an incentive to the public. For every pair of shoes a person donates they will stand the chance of winning Free Shoes for a year as well as receiving a R10 voucher off the purchase of any pair of shoes over R100. It's a Win-Win Situation.  And already some of South Africa's top celebrities such as Michelle MacLean, Arno Carstens, Christina Storm, Basetsane Khumalo, Joanne Strauss and Malcolm Kluk are getting behind the cause by donating a pair of shoes, which can be seen, displayed alongside other prominent personalities shoes inside the store on the ever-growing "Celebrity Shoes, Wall of Fame."

The second hand shoes are sold to budding entrepreneurs in the informal sector of our country. The profits we make from the sale of these shoes will be donated to The Red Cross Children's Hospital Trust where 100% of the donated funding will be used for the upgrading and equipping of the Hospital.

We will sell each old pair of shoes for between R5 - R10 dependant on quality and it is therefore imperative that we receive good quality shoes that can be resold as this directly affects the funds we are able to raise." If however the shoes do not meet the quality standards and cannot be resold, they will gladly be accepted as a donation to charity.

DIRECTIONS

CLICK HERE for flyer with full information

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

For one of our affiliates

Ok, seriously. A new junior position has come up at our affiliates who share our offices with us. PLEASE only apply if you enjoy looking out over the Atlantic Ocean.

Job Description

Company: capetown365.com / DG Rentals

Position: Junior; Entry Level

Available: Immediately

Title : Assistant Operations Manager

Report to: Managing Director and Operations Manager - DG Rentals.

Based at: DG Rentals, Mouille Point, Cape Town.

Job purpose :

General assistance wherever possible with matters that contribute to the general good, efficiency and growth of DG Rentals.

Key responsibilities and accountabilities (together with Operations Manager):

• Type and word-process various documents and electronic information.
• Assist with office administration.
• Support functions (collecting items, delivering items).
• View and photograph various/potential rental properties.
• Update relevant data using database applications.
• Assist with the carrying out of the rental process
• Client Liaison
• Assist with the upkeep of DG Rentals own properties .
• Interpret instructions and issues arising, and then implement actions according to administrative policies and procedures.
• Research and investigate information to enable strategic decision-
  making by others.
• Participate in meetings, conferences, and project team
  activities.
• Commitment to the company’s philosophy of complete customer
  satisfaction.

Person profile

Personality: Self-driven, results-oriented with a positive outlook, and a clear focus on high quality and business profit. A natural forward planner who critically assesses own performance. Mature, credible, and comfortable in dealing with senior management. Reliable, tolerant, and determined. Empathic communicator, able to see things from the other person's point of view. Keen for new experience, responsibility and accountability. Able to get on with others and be a team-player.

Personal Situation: The candidate must be able to commute reliably - must have a valid drivers licence and to work extended hours/weekends on occasions when required.

Specific Job Skills: Must be an excellent face-to-face and telephone communicator.. The right candidate must be extremely organised, responsible and proactive.

Computer skills: Must be adept in use of MS Office 2000 or later, particularly Excel and Word, Internet and email.

Remuneration:

R3,000 a month
R500 a month car allowance
+ business petrol

Email your CV, including photograph to info@capetown365.com with subject "Assistant Operations Manager". BEFORE 13 May.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Number 269

The New York Times has recently reported the following:

It appears that Ms. Hilton's blond ambition knows no bounds and she is clearly intent on capitalizing on her fame; she commands anywhere from $150,000 to $200,000 to appear at a party for 20 minutes, she said. "If it's in Japan I get more," she said.

Good girl.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Takes off on 2oceasvibe

In it's own tight community, the 2oceansvibe Classfied Ads have proved pretty successful for people looking for houses, apartments, housemates, furnished or unfurnished.

Current options for rental include:

Luxurious and serene self-catering accomodation on Chapmans Peak Drive,overlooking Hout Bay.Sleeps 6,fully equipped kitchen,lounge,2 bathrooms,dining room and balcony.Guarded parking ,pool and barbeque facility available.Within walking distance of village,beach and restaurants.

2 Bedroomed flat in modern secure complex in 3 Anchor Bay. Fully furnished, 2 bathrooms and 2 undercover parkings. Large balcony and swimming pool in complex. Chip and putt from the gym. Available immediatley. Rent R5000 pm.

Secure modern 1 Bed flat in Vredehoek with stunning views of Lions Head and the bay. Oven and Fridge with flat. Open plan kitchen and lounge. Parking bay in ground floor garage. R2600 per month, 1 month deposit. Available 1 May 2005. Would suit single working person.

Modern 3 bedroom house in cul de sac on bird sanctuary. Garage & safe parking outside. Open plan kitchen, gas stove, dishwasher. Lounge with fireplace. Study & Scullery. Large outside deck with amazing Table Mountain views. Ideal house for entertaining. R4000 p mth

Spacious beachfront flat to rent in Seapoint with STUNNING views.Open plan lounge kitchen,built-in stove,parquet floors,bics,bath and shower,good security.R3380/month.Avail 01/05 or 01/06.

It's pretty crazy out there. We've had a great response over the last month from people who have succeeded in finding a place to stay. All within our little 2oceansvibe community - where everyone knows your name! And the ads are free!

But don't be scared of the other sections - like the car section:

1999 Golf 4 GTi, Red, 138 000kms, Full Barons Service history, ABS, Airbags, Power Steering, Climate Control, Elec. Windows, new tyres and discs, CD player. Great condition. 8 months left of extended warranty. R100 000.

CLICK HERE FOR FREE CLASSIFIEDS

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Where there's Bush, there's Abdulilah

I thought these recent pics of Bush and Abdulilah would amuse. The boys seem quite tight.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Come to the party guys

Before you get over excited I will clarify that when I talk about Ghost Pops in this article I am referring to the ORGINALS. Ghost Pops, not Ghostbuster chips. I am very aware that there are too kinds, which are often confused.

Ghost Pops went off the market a number of years ago. Eventually some fucking genius found out that they had made a mistake and everyone loves Ghost Pops. So the genius launched GhostBUSTERS. Aaaah, clever. The chips look the same and the packet is virtually identical. THEY TASTE SHIT.

Then ANOTHER fucking genius realises that they should re-launch Ghost Pops - The originals. Well done guys. Clap clap. We are stoked to have the original taste on our tongues again. We did, honestly, miss them.

BUT IF YOU THINK WE ARE NOT AWARE THAT YOU HAVE GOT A QUARTER OF THE AMOUNT OF MSG AND FLAVOURANTS AS BEFORE - I'VE GOT FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU, CHUM

It is virtually commonplace these days to stumble upon several actual Ghost Pops with no flavour on them whatsoever. And the same goes for Flings.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO GUYS, WE'RE NOT FUCKING STUPID.

Can't you give us TEN TIMES the amount of MSG and flavourants and charge us R30 a packet? Did you ever think of that? I would eat it all day. My tongue would bleed before I stopped.

And now a word to the Carmel Gherkins team. When I left home few years back my mother gave me a list of the brands we had used throughout my life so that I didn't have to fart around trying to find decent tasting/ smelling/ looking foods and household goods. The following was written under 'G' (including the writing in the brackets).

Gherkins - 'Carmel Dill Cucumbers' (don't get the bottle - the big juicy ones are sold in the tin)

All went well until about a year ago. The big, fat, juicy gherkins were becoming few and far between. Nowadays, things have gotten worse. There are about two in a tin these days with the rest of the tin being made up of small pathtic gherkins. It used to be the WHOLE tin (about eight or so gherkins in total).

Once again it's quite simple - make another range called Carmel FAT-FUCK Dull Cucumbers and make every gherkin big and fat and juicy and charge us more. I can't deal with getting home, chilling the tin before opening it for an hour and finally getting inside it, only to find gherkins the size of a four year old's penis!

As a kid I used to eat the ENTIRE tin in under five minutes

Please, Carmel, stop the mind games.

By the way, if anyone knows where to buy chakalaka flavoured Fritos please get in touch.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com