A bit of sport tomorrow, old chap?
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Why don't you laugh yourself silly and have a wonderful day/night at the cricket event being held at Diocesan College ('Bishops' to the layman) to raise funds for the 'Little Angels' charity. Unlike Seth's angels, these angels actually do need help and has to do with a shelter for orphans. You are all invited to The Robbie K vs The Lord "Little Angels Cricket day/night game" co-hosted by Bunker Boy, White Shark Cage Diving, iafrica.com and Saints nightclub. Saturday, April 1. PERFECT!

Bound to be loads of fun, you'll also be able to tease the likes of the three Rob's (Brink, Kempson and Fleck). In light of our recent articles laughing at people who try and play with wild animals (see article below about Paul McCartney being attacked by a seal), feel free on the day to chat to Rob Fleck about when he was bitten by an otter after trying to cuddle with it in his swimming pool. All this and MORE on Saturday! God, I wish I was there!

Frank Reid Cricket Field (aaah, it still smells of Gibbs)
Bishops
1 April
14h00

All money goes to The Little Angels.

Trust me, you'll want to be there.

I must mention the name 'Craig Lorden' before the end of this article.

Enjoy guys, wish I was there.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Right this very second
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This is possibly the funniest thing you will see this year. Shut the door, turn your sound up and watch this video. Keep an eye on the dog's OWN leg creeping closer and closer to the bone in its mouth.

It's too much.

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

A haven of angels and fun
[permalink]

As you know I am away at the moment and I have just realised I will be missing one of my most favourite days of the year. Sponsored by Heineken and Puma, the annual 5-a-side tournament at Camps Bay High School. I'm saying one thing - Angels, Angels, Angels. I said one thing, but I said it three times. And I meant it three times.

Honestly, I don't know why I didn't mention it last year. Go to Camps Bay on Sunday 2 April and you'll thank me afterwards! There's a full bar, DJ, celebs and, as I said, plench angels!

Do it for me.

Do it for Seth

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Finally - the one we want
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We're looking very much forward to the next Brokeback Mountain. Brokeback Mountain 2.

Should be good!

At the closing ceremony of the 2006 Commonwealth Games
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I attended the closing ceremony of the 2006 Commonwealth Games in Melbourne last night. I know you thought I was only here for the Formula One Grand Prix next weekend, but I had this stone in my hand and I have been known to kill many birds with it. Anyway, the starting act were these two guys who were pretty hilarious and they were making the crowd do all sorts of things (playing "silly buggers", some might say). The one thing they did which was quite a spectacle was to make the entire crowd flash their cameras at the same time. Now I bet you want to see what that looks like! No problem whatsoever! I've sorted it out for you. Quietly enjoy this. The crowd makes a mistake at first, but then they count down again and do it properly:

MCG Simultaneous camera flash

Another thing they did was to get the crowd to do a Mexican wave around the entire stadium using camera flashes. Also quite fun to watch. That's what this is about, team, it's about fun. We don't have to be angry and rude all the time. Sometimes we just wanna have fun. Like girls.

They wanna

Wanna have fun

Girls

MCG camera flash Mexican wave

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Right this very second
[permalink]

I would like to lay claim to being the first South African blog site to upload a post to the site from the air. I am flying from Singapore to Melbourne on Singapore Air and they are testing wireless internet access on the plane. I've got a semi just talking about it.

That's all for now.

I'm flying. Like Leonardo in Titantic.

I'm flyiiiiiinggg !!!!!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Tom Sizemore reckons he punished Liz whilst she was seeing Hugh
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The Tonight section of IOL's website was the unlikely place where I found this little titbit. Tom Sizemore claims it happened whilst she was still seeing Hugh Grant. He reckons it gave him "great pleasure" as he lay in bed with her and thought of Hugh's "smug, handsome face". Nice one, Tom. Remind me to ask you to look after the wife and kids next time I'm away.

Tom also had this to say, "Her body is to die for. She has these long smooth legs and the most perfect boobs I've ever seen. We kissed and stroked every last inch of each other. We couldn't get enough."

I think we'll be the judge of that, little Tom Tom. Behold, below, a stunning topless shot of Liz Hurley!

WHAT A PLEASURE !

Click pic for original image
And thanks to Francois, again, for saving the Earth

It all starts to make sense now - why we would have a random article about something Tom Sizemore said.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

A playground for James Bond
[permalink]

I am sitting at the Marriott hotel in Singapore, just on Orchard Street where I have just consumed a couple of quiet poached eggs. Friends of mine lived in Singapore for two and a half years and the one thing I remember them saying was nothing really bad happens in this 20km x 40km country. Everything is clean. Everything works. And if it breaks, it's fixed before you blink. This is apparently cause for rather hilarious news reports about absolutely nothing. My friends mentioned how the leading story on the evening news can very easily be about investigations into a spate of graffiti which has gripped the city. The local police are interviewed in a way that can only be compared to that of a murder case investigation. The waitress at the Marriott has just brought me a newspaper and you will be happy to know that the main front page headline is "Singaporeans more sporty, keen on fitness now".

Awesome.

Good Morning, Singapore

One of the things that amuse me when traveling on my own is how one enters into what I call "Mute Mode". You can sometimes go for days without uttering a word to anyone. You'll find that sometimes the only words you have said for the last 14 hours are "chicken please". When I hit the ground in a place like Singapore I tend to switch my accent every time I communicate. I've been using a James Bond type accent today. I feel Singapore suits 007 to the ground. The few Western faces in amongst a sea of Asian simply lends itself to Bond. And sitting here in the corner of the restaurant at the Marriott seems all too perfect for words. I'm imagining a Sol Kerzner looking guy, who walks up to my table and says, "I believe the poached eggs here are good?"

Then I reply, "Always. But make sure it's with the crispy bacon".

Having swapped code phrases, we would be able to continue with our business.

"So, Mr. Rotherham, what brings you to Singapore?"

"The same reason you're here, Kerzner, to pretend that I'm James Bond"

"It's a long way to come for a role playing game"

"I'll decide what is a long way, Goldkerzner"

"How did you know my real name?"

"It's my role playing game I'm making up, I can do anything"

"Fuck you, Rothers, I can make you disappear."

I press a button under the table and my waitress, Long, throws her tray like a frisbee across the room, completely severing his head.

Back to reality, a group of people have just sat at the table next to mine and have done the whole exchange of business cards thing where they swap cards and stare at the cards like they've found the holy grail.

They're getting too close - I don't want them to blow my cover. I must rendezvous with The Dutch Billionaire at Borders bookshop in 10 minutes.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

The champagne is on ice
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The main thing I want to say here is that I am leaving for Australia on Wednesday morning so I want you to hold on tight until I write my first article for you from Melbourne. You will remember I have access to a suite at the exit of the pit lane at the Australian Grand Prix. I never went last year but did the year before. It's the only way to do it. Air conditioning, champers, little angels running around - it's good humour.

I leave on Wednesday morning and spend a day in Singapore along the way, to see if my Asian friends have created any new toys I desperately need. If they haven't, then I will be quite upset. I mean they can't really call them "sweat-shops" then, can they? Impress me, Singapore.

I also want you to think about a couple of things.

Firstly, something that has been bugging me - if a car-guard looks after your car in an illegal parking spot, do you still have to tip him/her? Interesting...

Secondly, if any of you know or run into the manager of Barristers by the name of Eddie, please tell him "thanks again from 2oceansvibe for the kind deed he did on Saturday night. You knew you could trust us". He'll know what it's about.

Thirdly, I am NOT going to watch Brokeback Mountain. I'm certainly not homophobic, but a movie about gay cowboys just doesn't get watched ahead of something I know I like and will watch again. The same goes for Million Dollar Baby - I'm just not going to watch it. Ever. I will die having not watched it. I'm fine with that. A friend who I trust as a movie advisor told me I could slit my wrists by the end. That's just not my scene.

Speaking of sexual orientation and slipping into guy/girl chat mode, a chap came up to me at the 2006 Blog website Awards and said he read my site very often. I told him I wasn't surprised - I am informative, hysterical and particularly intelligent. That, combined with dashing good looks, makes me hard to ignore. Jokes aside, the chap asked me, quite seriously, if I was a chauvinist. After asking him three times if he was joking, I got one of my henchmen to beat him. Seriously though, I am amazed that he took his very limited time with Seth Rotherham to ask something so dim-witted. Do I seriously come across as a chauvinist? What a pity if I do. I thought it would come across in my writing that I absolutely totally and utterly adore women. Oh dear, the message is lost on some of you. As Ricky Gervais said in The Office, "How can I hate women?.....My mum's one". Hilarious.

So no, freak show, I am not a chauvinist. Please God, if they have to come up so close, please send me semi-intelligent ones.

I decided to get a security gate put on the Camps Bay apartment door. IT was organised by the same guys that took four hours longer than they said they would to install the alarm in the apartment. I arrived home and noticed that Mavis had left for the day. She took the key to the new security gate with her. Good one, Mavis. You're giving it a good go today. I listened carefully, hoping I would hear Ashton Kutcher running towards me from around the corner with a TV film crew. No, I was not being Punk'd. Then I received a call from one of Seth's Angels at the office in Mouille Point advising me that Mavis had just brought the key to the office.

Oh

my

shattered

nerves

It's a good joke this time, Mavis. You've done well. When exactly did you have Microsoft Outlook installed into the iron, allowing you to see what my diary is looking like? You're taking quite a chance locking me out of the apartment and mosee'ing down to Mouille Point at 3pm, ASSUMING I am there. Did you not for ONE FUCKING SECOND think there was a chance I might not be there? And OF COURSE there is no airtime in your phone to call and discuss. Could you not have hidden the key? In the garage perhaps? The garage that we BOTH have keys to? Don't assume, Mavis. Look at the spelling of the word "assume". It makes an ASS out of U and ME.

And you ate a slice of my pizza in the fridge. Are you on drugs, Mavis? There is perfectly good Woolworths bread in the fridge for you and Marmite in the cupboard. But nooooooo, that's not good enough for Her Royal Highness! Why should a woman who has a steady supply of Giovanni's spaghetti and three ply baby-soft toilet paper have to subject herself to such simple tastes? Heavens no!

Not only did I have to request a Seth's Angel to bring back the key to the apartment, but I also had to get my head around the gate the people had installed. I am absolutely finished! I have never seen anything like this in my life. It's like I'm living in a comedy. Allow me:

Are you fucking kidding me?

Stop it.

What?

I'll leave it at that. I'm quite exhausted. I'll write again from Melbourne. But possibly before. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused at the moment. Is this the Truman Show? Am I Truman? Why are you people playing this game with me?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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New pics of the girl Bruce Willis lied about
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I was sent these very recent pics of Petra Nemcova. I find it thoroughly amusing that this website has morphed itself into some sort of Petra Nemcova stop-off. I mean, out of all the supermodels and little tarts out there, not many websites have three articles on Petra Nemcova.

There was the one where we first heard her name, where she turned out to be a Tsunami survivor. (In the January 2005 archives - before we could link directly to individual articles. The geeks call this a "permalink".)

Then there was the one where she called me and I had no idea who she was.

And most recently, the one where we reported that Bruce Willis had been stalking her and telling people he was dating her.

That is enough occurrence for readers to send in three precious photo's of our little Czech beauty. She's the kind you would like to turn into a keyring. Just have her there the whole time, on your keys.

"You're late! I've had lunch ready for hours!", whinged Petra.

"Push me, Seth"

"I know I have been naughty, babba.
Can I make it up to you?", pleaded the naughty little girl.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Newlands hosted the Australians AND the TBG
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Great pic sent in by Malcolm T after spotting the the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) at Newlands on Saturday. And so we gather more information about the man behind the Acronym. The TBG likes cricket..... interesting. God bless you, TBG.

TBG at the cricket.
Wearing one of the Ape Town T-shirts.

Malcolm T had this to say:

Hi guys,

I spotted TBG at the cricket on Saturday, holding up the Castle Lager Marquee. I’m not sure if it was just me having too much of their product, but he sure looked like he had a halo around his head. He seems to have managed to get his hands on one of those new Ape Town T-shirts.

At least I had something to cheer about after having watched those Aussies first hit Mark Boucher in the box, on the helmet and pretty much anywhere else they felt like and then make our fielders chase red leather in the field as they mowed down our runs.

Cheers and thanks for a great blog.

Malcolm T

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Another year of drivel
[permalink]

Thursday night gave us the 2006 South African Blog Awards. My deal with you, my treasured readers, was to continue entertaining you for another year AS LONG AS 2oceansvibe won the competition. And look what you went and did!

You are NAUGHTY !!!!

You went and made 2oceansvibe win the Best Writing Award, The Best Article and, yes, The Best Overall Website Award.

I am accepting these awards on your behalf because they really are yours. Every night I go to sleep I thank God that he made you, my loyal, gorgeous 2oceansvibe readers. I will play nicely for another year.

Much love.

You can see some pics of the geeks over here.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Finally we see the bearded one reading quotes about himself
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I never got involved on the site with the whole Chuck Norris fact thing. I was waiting for something better. And I have found it! It is a video of Chuck Norris in the States on some TV show, actually reading out some of the facts. Pretty hilarious!

CLICK HERE FOR CHUCK NORRIS VIDEO

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Which turned into an article about cyclists
[permalink]

WARNING: This article contains excessive swearing. Something the author is not proud of, but something that came out very naturally in the state that he was in at the time.

I'm sorry team. That's all I can say. I am speechless. Where do I start. I want to write about so much, but can't get started. Do you want me to tell you about how I knelt down next to my bed on Monday morning and thanked God that the Argus cycle tour was over? Is that what you want? Why are there still bikes on the road? Fuck off now, guys. Pack that little carbon fibre mother fucker away until next year. Either that or you should be in the Alps practicing for the next Tour de France. What did you say? Really! Does your bike really weigh 5 kilograms? That's fucking astounding! And tell me about those AWESOME clogs you wear on your bike. The ones that you wear when you awkwardly walk into Caprice all G'eed up from your ride, whilst you order muesli and pat yourself on the back. You look fucking hysterical. Never mind the helmets, those caps you wear are something quite amusing. I've seen guys wear those in poker games. Weird guys. With 2 gigs of child porn at home. You just can't beat 50 year old men with paid-for Fedex emblazoned cycling outfits. You guys rock my World. But listen up......

YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING WAY

FUCK OFF

Aaaah!! Oh my God !! Don't scroll the page down!
Aaaah. I'm nearly there... wait...ahhh
God it's good! I MUST get R700 together to get one of those puppies.
Ahh, I want that TV channel inside me!

I hope they pass the law that allows motorists to gently nudge cyclists on the road. Not with their car, that would be very dangerous! Out the window, with your hand - just a gentle nudge. If you want to abuse the road like you do I think it should be fair to do that.

It's a pity how the majority of you ruin it for the considerate cyclists out there.

I've joined a new culture taking form on the Atlantic Seaboard and I urge everyone to follow. When our confident cycling friends cycle through the red traffic lights in their little peloton's - which they INSIST on doing without fail, all drivers stopped at the lights should hold their hands firmly on the car hooter. It's not a normal hoot. This one is saying, "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"! Who do you clowns think you are anyway? Since when did cyclists not have to stop at traffic lights? Who the FUCK do you think you are? That is absolutely ridiculous. Would you like your revolting children to cycle through all red lights on their way to school? I would give it a guess that if we, as car drivers, had to come through the green on the other side and aim for you and kill you, we would not be prosecuted. Are you starting to see the point, my little shimano's? These are the rules of the road. It's like me telling a cop that there was no-one around so I can't see why I can't attack de Waal drive at 140km/h. There are many lawless societies, some with tarred roads, who would be more than happy for you to drive through whatever intersection you wanted. It just doesn't happen to be here. Smoking weed is illegal but I have a beautifully rolled joint of Swaziland's finest in my left hand right this very second. But I am FULLY aware that it is illegal. But I quietly have it in my own home where it doesn't effect anyone. For you to do what you're doing in front of everyone is nothing short of a giant 'UP YOURS' to everyone around you.

Who do you think you are?

As I said earlier, its a pity that the majority ruin it for the other cyclists.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

A message from Seth to the readers
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We have taken it to the next level and have begun indulging in the new craze on the net - podcasts - real time streaming video and audio.

2oceansvibe is officially the first South African blog site to produce its own podcast. (This is a lie - I have been scolded by Jo'Blog.... again!).

So, in this first broadcast, there is a little message from Seth to you.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

As the World continues to learn about wild animals
[permalink]

It's not that long ago that we published an article entitled "Seal of Disapproval" which touched on the woman who thought she would roll a live wild seal back into the ocean. Funnily enough, the seal, which was fast asleep before she started to roll it like a rolling pin, bit her nose off. Obviously the seal's lack of gills was not enough to convince the woman that it could breath on land. Shame, if she didn't have the understanding at her age (grandmother) to stay away from wild animals with teeth, God knows what else she didn't know. I'm not saying she is as bad as Jacob Zuma, who felt he didn't need a condom when having sex with a woman he knew was HIV positive (are the papers ever going to have a chat about this?), but I think it's pretty bad nonetheless.

Sir Paul McCartney has joined the group of people who think cute wild animals actually double up as the cute cuddly toys that resemble them. It seems that seals are a particular problem area for people who have never encountered wild animals before. Here, surprisingly, we see Sir Paul and his angel being absolutely horrified and shocked at the attack by a cute little fluffy white seal.

Please don't eat me, I am the walrus

What in God's name would make this animal attack a human? Was it not raised with dogs and cats? Does it not eat Epol and lie by the fire? How bizarre! This WILD animal has completely lost it's mind! Why doesn't it want to snuggle?

Please could all the people of the world read this: BE CAREFUL OF WILD ANIMALS, THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THEY WILL ATTACK YOU. WHEN THEY DO, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A TIT.

This further proves that The Beatles got all their subject matter from LSD, rather than actual living things. Did you even meet a walrus?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Accuser takes a third off his claimed sex time
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I cannot find an actual article to link this posting to, but I have just heard something that is taking this Zuma rape case to the next level. The first thing that I had to get my head around was a previous article I read which had our ex vice-president using the old "I'll tuck you into bed and give you a massage" routine to get (force) his way with the accuser. But now, the trial has got even sillier. I was hoping this wouldn't happen.

I have just heard on the radio that she claims the sexual act took 10 minutes. OBVIOUSLY Zuma has fired back saying this is incorrect and the sex ACTUALLY lasted 15 minutes.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Zuma - claiming 15 minutes of action

Amazing, even in a rape case the male ego will NOT give in. He probably told his mates beforehand that he "pumped" her for 20 minutes (always allow 5 minutes for spice value). I do hope they argue the point - that will just take things to the level that we are used to here in South Africa. Alleged rapist and accuser arguing over how long the sex was - it's just too much.

Then you have Dina Rodrigues writing on the waybill and leaving her fingerprints everywhere. Ape Town indeed!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

And other fantasies
[permalink]

My past interaction with Petra Nemcova, as well as my commentary on supermodels has trained my brain to highlight any article containing any of these keywords from a distance of up to 20 meters. Behold, the latest.

I have never pulled this face before

"Bruce Willis has been desperately trying to get Petra Nemcova's number and finally got it after he donated a ton of money to her charity. Since then, the two have been keeping in touch and Petra has told her friends, "He's been really sweet to me, but I wouldn't call it dating." But in stereotypical fashion, Bruce has been telling all his friends that they are dating."

I have never pulled Bruce before

So you manage to get her number after donating a pant-load of money and now you're telling people you're dating her. And she denies it. Oh my God that is punishment of the highest degree, McClane. I wish you had called me cos I've had her New York cell number ever since she called me in August last year. Thank God you didn't call me so I don't have to run around denying rumours that you and I are dating.

By the same token, if she called me, I suppose that basically means that Petra and I have indulged in a quiet 69 on the bonnet of my car? Can I tell people that?

Stop punishing yourself, Butch.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Like Aerosmith
[permalink]

Mavis, are you fucking kidding me? How can you POSSIBLY put pure salt into a salt GRINDER. Didn't you notice all the time in the past when you used the salt grinder on your mammoth sandwiches that the pieces of salt in the grinder were like little rocks? The grinder is see-through so I know you saw them. Did you not notice that the part where the salt comes out looks like a sea urchin? How can that POSSIBLY be the design which best allows pure salt to flow out of the container? Funny enough, it does allow enough to come out over my food to ruin it before I start grinding and realise what has happened. Good one. I think you're doing it to fuck with me.

Mavis does not look anything like this

Another thing, I know for a FACT that I bought spaghetti which has now suddenly vanished. This might also explain the incredible rate at which I seem to go through toilet rolls. I worked out that if I was honestly using the toilet rolls at the rate at which they disappeared from the bathroom, I would have to have an arse the size of Wyoming.

I'm just saying be careful. You're playing a very dangerous game. You do clothes better than Jane, but you're getting close to being swapped with Jane and you'll have to work at the Bantry Bay house with the tenant who works from home. Then you won't be able to have secret naps or listen to that godforsaken channel on TV that you INSIST on leaving on after you leave every day.

I'm watching you, Mavis.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

The apes are here
[permalink]

Some of you may have noticed the ad on the right of 2oceansvibe with the picture of an ape on it. Do yourself a favour and check it out. It's positively genius. I didn't properly grasp it until the guys behind it sent me a T-shirt. It's fucking brilliant. They've taken the 'C' out of Cape Town and their first series of T-shirts have a stylised ape doing various things pertaining to Cape Town names and sayings. They have printed the first 6 designs and tell us there will be more to follow. They've got the ape in various poses like "Ape Point", "Ape Doctor" and "Keep the Ape in Shape". They sent me the Ape Point T-shirt (great quality and good cut - for a change) which has the ape (with his expressionless face) pointing to the side. Hilarious. I will wear it till it disintegrates.

Seth in model mode. (wearing size MEDIUM)
Ape in point mode.


The package that arrived on my desk


There is another ape hiding behind on the back


Ape Sleeve

The apetown.co.za website claims that the idea behind it was the fact that in Cape Town we are surrounded by baboons and monkeys everywhere we turn. They talk about Apetonians. They neglected to mention the monkeys that work at Eskom who have had us in a fucking blackout for a few weeks so far. Thank God my high-tech laptop has enough standby time to kill a civilian.

Well done Ape town. You've hit it spot on.

Seth is wearing a Medium size T-shirt above.
For orders, click HERE to go to the Ape Town website.
Stock is limited.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

After keeping out of the limelight for the entire month of February
[permalink]

The beautiful man that is the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) has been sighted again after our readers missed him for the entire month of February. Did the TBG go on holiday? Who knows what a man of some brilliance gets up to in his spare time. Chris H can tell you what he gets up to at one in the morning.

The TBG - flowers in hand - can't be missed


The TBG - I want to get inside his mind.


The TBG - gives Chris H a well-deserved thumbs-up

Chris H had this to say:

Its been far too long without a TBG sighting, but now, I am confident I have the real TBG in the "images" folder of my cell phone.

Anyway, so here's the deal. I'm out having an absolute jol at a mates party in Camps Bay, until, the fucking electricity decides to do it's thing on us. So here we are, 140 people, standing with no music, no lights, no nothing, except the bar which, thank God, stayed open. It gets to about 12:30 am and my friends and I decide to call it a day - not being very impressed with the outcomes of this gig.

In search of electricity, we set off on a mission to find a good time in order to end the night on a good note.

Little did I know what was in store for me.

We had decided to stop off at the Gardens Engen, (which if I may add, was a replica of a shebeen on payday being the only joint selling hot food for a couple of kilometers) to grab some food. So there i am, cool, calm and collected standing peacefully in the take away line.

But it was this un-real energy which pulled my head around to look at none other but the TBG himself. I quickly took action in planning my approach to this unique celebrity. 

After plucking up enough courage, I approached the powerful man by greeting him by the famous three letters. "Are you the TBG", I asked. He admitted glory so I asked of I could please document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. But with his professional tactics he responded, "no can do"! I applied a bit of my own magic to which he replied " How do you even know it's me?" I mean, come now. How many TBG's are there in this world?

Anyway, he eventually gave in and gave that million dollar smile which tends to send shivers down one's spine. He even allowed for me to stop him again as he left in his car for a second shot.

I also noted that this living legend was buying some flowers at about 12:45 am, could he be working on something/somebody special? I don't know, but I can guarantee you, the TBG is back and he's back for good.

Keep a look out everyone, someday, your sighting may come!

Hope you have enjoyed this sighting as much as I did.

Laters

Chris H

Chris, you are a very lucky young man. Now you will not be embarrassed when your kids ask if you ever saw the TBG when you lived in Cape Town.

God bless you, TBG.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Well, thanks for that Linds!
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For no reason whatsoever we are given further insight into the lives of celebrity breasts. I'm not going to go into a debate about Lohan's life and what a cow she is and how pissed she gets, but I will have a quick chat about her breasts. Assuming that the other breast is the same, I would like to go ahead and say that I am pretty fond of her particular boob shape and setting. I have no real preference for breast size and, rather, have a special fondness for all sizes that come across my path. If these particular guys came across my path I would certainly be fond of them. When I'm done with them they'll go STRAIGHT to the pool room.

Well done Lohan's breasts.

[clapping sound]

Click Lindsay, or Francois, to see what you want to see.
And again, a big thanks to Francois for saving the universe.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Problem solved
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A few years ago I wrote an article about the dial-a-dop service that brings alcohol at any time on any day to your door. In my Claremont house we had the gate remote next to the jacuzzi and the guy used to bring the stuff right up to our mouths without us ever having to leave the jacuzzi. Pretty good idea.

But now we have another clever idea for Capetonians. Most locals have found that the glory days of driving around with a beer tap on the steering wheel are coming to an end. People are getting caught and people are dying. But you can't get used to getting taxis and you want to drive your car to where you're going but don't know what to do when you need to get home. You need a way to get home, pissed, without driving, WITH your car. It's easier than you thought.

Do yourself and pick up your cellphone and save this number. Save it as "Driver Shaun".

Driver Shaun
082 484 9530

Shaun is a guy who will meet you within 20 minutes wherever you are. He'll have as many drivers as you need for as many friends you have with cars who need to get home, pissed. Each car gets a driver and they drive you and your mates home in your car for R150. Wherever you are - with as many drop-offs you may have along the way. For three people it's R50 each. When you get home they say good night and wait to be fetched on the road by Shaun who drives around in the Mother Ship.

I got one of Shaun's drivers called Sam. He drove me from Scarborough to Camps Bay. Our first stop was a 24 hour shop where I purchased some munchies. When I returned from the shop he was waiting with the passenger door open for me which he closed behind me. Yes, like a butler. People in the shop weren't fucking sure what was going on. I typed my road name in the satellite navigation system and told Sam to follow the arrow on the screen. I put on some Lionel Richie and he woke me up as we entered my road.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Taking it back to the old school
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I'm making a habit of acquiring waitresses' phone numbers of late and I must say, it's a lot easier than I thought. I've taken it back to the old school as well. I don't save their numbers into my cellphone - I insist that they write it on a piece of paper or a napkin. You just get so much more out of it. You can tell a lot about someone from their handwriting - a bit of insight never hurt. It's certainly more interactive than just another number in your cellphone. Sometimes I forget what a girl's name was and don't know where to find it the next day in my cellphone. At one stage I had an abundance of Kates. I had Kate Wednesday, Kate Billys, Kate Wijnhuis, Kate BlueTop and even Kate Angry (I'd pay money to find out how that came about). I can hardly remember who some of them were and now they sit, motionless in my cellphone - gathering dust - some of them never to be used again.

Go and grab a napkin and a pen, angel

In a surprising turn of events last night, one of the waitresses at Saints gave me her number WITH her home address on it. "Good heavens", I thought to myself, "people are real friendly around here". The note was complete with a smiley face. The combination of the home address and the smiley face gave me an increased level of confidence.

Against all the rules I wrote her a text message immediately. I would normally apply the two day waiting rule but thought of something that I found particularly amusing. I wrote:

"Hi Sam, how about two double Jamesan's, a vodka tonic and three tequila's. Thanks angel - Seth"

I winked at my wingman who smiled at me, with an expression that says "Jesus Christ, you are a brilliant man and I am so goddamn blessed to know you and witness your genius first hand". I know. How do I come up with this shit? I was giving her a max of ten minutes. Fifteen minutes went past.

Obviously she didn't have her cellphone on her and she didn't get the message. So I went off to find her. There is a little curtain at Saints which is hiding a little standing area with a little till for the staff to play with. I pulled aside the black curtain and found, right in front of me, four waitrons (the uni-sex term "waitrons" must be one of the most revolting food-and-catering industry pieces of jargon to be thrown around in recent memory) who all turned and looked at me. I looked at my waitress who looked at me like I had bird flu. I asked her if she had received my order I sent via text message. She maintained the bird flu stare.

"The bar is closed" is all she said. The other three had now joined in the bird flu stare. I tried to speak but the confusing situation had rendered me temporarily useless. Like a war victim crawling back to the trench after losing a leg, I returned to my post. Dazed, and so confused.

So what the fuck did I do wrong? Was it a bit much to write that text message with the booze order? Is that really bad? Jesus! I'm SORRY!

And so will you be when you find out about the girl who didn't make the same silly mistake and down the line suddenly finds herself at the Monaco grand Prix getting fucked on Dom whilst she signals me to 'rescue' her because Joaquin Phoenix is boring her to tears. But I won't see her because the glare from the rock on her finger will be too much to bear. We'll leave early and return to the cottage in Provence where we will continue drinking the red wine we left on the coffee table next to the roaring fire and golden labrador puppy. I'll have to turn my phone off to avoid Michael Schumacher who will be pissed off that I wasn't there at the end of the race. I'll make her laugh all night and will seal the 'fun' day off with mind blowing sex on the deep pile carpet. In the morning we will laugh and cry with the village locals as we toast ourselves and thank God that she replied to my text message.

God, I'm glad I opened these cases of DeGrendal red that the Dutch billionaire gave me.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Awards keep Seth going - 2oceansvibe needs YOU
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Well done on nominating 2oceansvibe in this year's blog awards.
But now it is time for the live voting.
As usual, Seth will retort with another rollercoaster year of articles in return for your precious votes.

The voting ends on Friday and Seth will be publishing articles again once we all feel we have had enough time to focus on this voting process.

So show your love and give Seth the energy to continue the production of his banal drivel. 2oceansvibe is in FIVE categories so go to the one-page voting station and click everywhere you see 2oceansvibe. Click 'SUBMIT VOTE' at the bottom of the page to complete your vote.

VOTING IS OVER

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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By 'Snow' (with apologies to those of you who have never heard it)
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Finally, the lyrics to the song that robbed us of the year 1993. The first time you heard it you thought the guy was rapping about a farmer. But then you found out he was some sort of exotic white guy who raps (from Canada it turns out). He rapped incredibly fast and you never quite knew what the fuck he was saying. But you were drawn to him. Until the black guys started laughing at you and slipped you a copy of DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince's 'Summertime'.

Snow's 1993 album cover.
The album was called "12 inches of snow".
I'm not kidding.

In Snow's song, 'Informer', you might remember there was a girl who joined in the rap and sang at the end of it. Enjoy this, might ring a bell:

Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl
Police knock my door lick up my pal
Rough me up an' I can't do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station black up my hands
Trail me down 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman
What I'm gonna do I'm backed an' I'm trapped
Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap
They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer

INFOOOOOORMER !!!!!

No more will you live in such a void. Here are the full lyrics for the late teenagers of the early ninety who didn't have a clue.

Informer
By Snow

What's up man hey yo what's up
Yeah what's goin' on here
Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here
You know what I'm sayin'
Yo Snow they came around here lookin' for you the other day
Word word bust it

CHORUS:
Informer you no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky Boom Boom Down.

CHORUS.

Police them come an' now they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So then they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on me reach my destination
When the destination reached it was the east detention
Where them whipped down me pants looked up me bottom so

CHORUS.

Bigger they are they think they have more power
They're on the phone me say that on (every) hour
Me for want to use it once an' now me call me lover
Lover who I'll be callin is the one Tammy
An' me love her in me heart down to my belly
Yes me daddy me Snow me I feel cool an' deadly
As the one MC Shan an' the one daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em as a Tor-Na-Do

CHORUS.

Listen for me you better listen for me now (x2)
When me rockin' the microphone me rock it steady
Yes sir daddy me Snow me are the article don
But in the in an' the out of a dance them they say where you come from
People them say you come from Jamaica
But me born an' raised in the ghetto that's the one I want you to know
Pure black people mon that's all I mon know
Yeah me shoes are tear up an' me toes used to show
Where me born in on the one Toronto so

CHORUS.

Come with a nice young lady.
Intelligent yes she's gentle an' irie
Everywhere me go me never left her at all
Yes its daddy Snow me are the roam dance mon
Roam between a dancin' in a in a nation-a
You never know say daddy me Snow me are the Boom Shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in that one cardboard box
Yes say me Daddy me Snow me I'll go reachin' at the top so

CHORUS.

Why would he (x2)

Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl
Police knock my door lick up my pal
Rough me up an' I can't do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station black up my hands
Trail me down 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman
What I'm gonna do I'm backed an' I'm trapped
Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap
They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer

CHORUS.

Aaah. Take me back to when it was all so simple.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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What an awesome month the World is having..
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I thought I would just quickly fill you in on some ludicrous tit bits happening at the moment around us. Nothing too hectic.

- More people die as a result of the publication of a cartoon. People made a drawing and we're verging on war.

- A man goes to jail for three years for DENYING the holocaust. Someone said something and has lost three years of his life.

- Cape Town loses electricity for nearly a week. The seaside village is now beside itself.

- Dina Rodriguez leaves fingerprints on the waybill used to deliver the parcel, so as to gain access to a house, in order to murder a baby. Please could we refrain from referring to her as a 'mastermind'. Neither her mind, nor her brain were used for this appalling act and she certainly hasn't 'mastered' the use of either. The CSI team would openly laugh at her.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Just how 'super' are they?
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When confronted with a girl who ranks anywhere between an eight and a ten, ALWAYS assume you're talking to a four. This will eliminate all clumsy speech and nervousness from yours side. This method also stops the natural urge to look at her breasts. Our supermodel (it has now become one word) is overwhelmed by a sense of security and comfort and is almost ready to interact further with you.

You might remember the article I wrote where I mentioned a missed-call I received from the Czech supermodel, Petra Nemcova. Unaware of her status of beauty, I spoke to her as though she was a four, although she was (and still is) a ten.

If I may:

"Anyway, there is a particular sense of failure, yet delight, when one realises that one spent a large amount of time that day unwittingly on the phone to a super model. You're angry with yourself for not savouring every word she uttered with her beautiful mouth. But you're happy that (because you never knew who you were talking to) you stayed calm and came across ICE cool. Secretly, she wants you. "

You see, I've been through this before. But now I have some extra info I have recently acquired through various exercises I do with my brain. The latest idea has been submitted to me by the "Supermodel Acquisition Department" of my brain (S.A.D.).

You've read a thousand GQ's, FHM's, Esquire's and Arena's. They've all given ways to be cool and things to say. None of them have worked. But now, courtesy of my brain, I have found the answer. It can be used on eights and nines as well, not just super models. This is what you do.

You walk straight up to the supermodel and, whilst imagining she's a four, you say to her:

"Excuse me, I was just wondering, are you quite down to earth?".

Read that again. It's too brilliant for words! If she takes the typically Cape Town angle and looks at you like you have bird flu, then you WIN! She LOSES! She walks away and you've saved yourself from spending time with a vacuum. Even the semi-intelligent ones will HAVE to engage in a chat of sorts to avoid such obvious punishment. This is what we call 'a foot in the door'. The intelligent ones (God bless them) will probably be hypnotized by your brilliance and have already decided what they will be making you for breakfast.

Petra - down to earth

So, besides from walking away and punishing herself, she has an option of two answers.

"Yes, I am down to earth" tells us that we're dealing with a complete fucking idiot who is obsessed with counteracting her bitchiness by constantly reassuring herself (and everyone around her) that she is incredibly down to earth. She doesn't even realise what you have just done. But you get the airtime that you wouldn't have otherwise got from her. They'll chew your ear off if you get this right. You can't marry this one, but the volume of chat is high in these circumstances and you should use this time to be SEEN talking to her. Great PR. This gives other eights, nines and tens the opportunity to take note of you. They see you very relaxed (because you've pretended to be chatting to a four) and they see the supermodel talking relentlessly (trying to be down to earth). This appeals to them, as they realise they have no need to be threatened by you. They immediately remove you from the box used to store the guys that lose control of their bodies when speaking to them.

"No, I'm not down to earth" is probably the ultimate answer. This tells us she has a sense of humour and, if she hasn't walked away (in which case you win, by default), it means she is aware of her position in society and is quite amused by the whole thing. She's been looking for someone like you for five years.

Everything goes perfectly from there. In no time you will have the supermodel-at-home lifestyle. You arrive home and she is lying on the sofa in front of the fire with an oversized jersey hanging to just below her stunning hip-bone, a glass of red in her hand and a golden labrador puppy at her feet.

Welcome home. You've earned it.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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