Our man shares in the confusion

A very good friend of mine from London who has now moved to Washington (or just "D.C." if you're cool) has encountered his own unique version of the Bambi-in-headlights confusion displayed by the odd American who can't think further than his i-pod. (No offense to the Americans we know and love and others with intelligence higher than a can of root beer).

Being particularly English, Simon K had difficulty ordering a cup of tea:

I can totally believe your reports. I was once told that there is no such thing as hot tea, by a waiter in an upmarket New Orleans restaurant. Indeed he called the very notion 'dumb'. (What, the idea of hot tea cannot speak?) The subsequent argument had me removed by the scruff of my neck.

It appears that the waiter, indeed, the establishment, was familiar only with the iced version.

Simon finishes off his email with this beauty: You may print this.

Simon

I called Simon in D.C. from the penthouse (no harm in mentioning the position) apartment I'm staying at in Boston to discuss the injustice. Two things came to mind. Firstly, why would it be called ICED tea if it only comes cold? It would surely then be described as just 'tea'? It is not normal to discuss the temperature of things before ordering them unless it is different to its normal/natural state! Imagine..."Hi, could I get some luke warm torch batteries, some boiling hot chewing gum and quite a cold pack of crisps. Oh, and a cold pie for my luke-warm friend over here"!

People don't order ICED lemonade, they order lemonade and it comes cold because that is its natural state. That is why it is described on menus as 'Lemonade'. If, however, warm lemonade was on offer, it would say HOT lemonade on the menu, indicating that it will not be served in its NORMAL fashion.

Secondly, and quite simply.... HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOSTON TEA PARTY, FREAK SHOW?

WAS IT EVER CALLED THE BOSTON ICED TEA PARTY?

Shame.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Lose the attitude, beeyutch

Now something happened to me yesterday that simply has to be reported back to the 2oceansvibe community. I don't know if 9/11 has divided America and made a large portion of the population very angry with their lives, or if some of them have made life decisions to be pricks. Because I cannot believe that people are dumb enough to be serious in the way this particular woman was. The alarming thing is that the identical thing happened to a friend of mine from Boston.

A group of us went to a diner type place for breakfast. We didn't expect slick service, but we did expect a certain level of intelligence. Needless to say the service was shocking, but then a friend of mine from South Africa ordered her breakfast. She asked if she could also have some tomato with her eggs. Obviously, being english speaking South African, it was pronounced 'toe mah toe'.

"WHAT IS THAT?", was the reply

She didn't know what a 'toe mah toe' was.

The lady repeated that she wanted 'toe mah toe'

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS", came the second reply.

let it sink in

So because it wasn't pronounced 'toe may toe', she didn't understand it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Now the same thing happened to a South African friend in Boston who wanted a cheese and 'toe mah toe' sandwich. "Cheese and WHAT?" is what she got back from the waiter.

I swear to God that if I was taking an order for a sandwich or eggs and someone mentioned an ingrediant that started with 'toe' and ended with 'toe', I would know what it is. Even if someone ordered 'Toe moerief toe' I would know what is going on. WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY GO WITH CHEESE ON A SANDWICH, FUCK NUT?

I've got something even better. SURELY most of the world has heard the song that documents the two major different ways of saying the word? The song orginally writen by Ira Gershwin is called 'Let's call the whole thing off'. The song was also on the Harry met Sally soundtrack - one of the Earth's best loved movies. Lyrics contain the words (or similair):

You say tomahto, I say tomayto
I say potayto, you say potahto

The song has been covered by a myriad of artists including Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Fred Astaire, Harry Connick Jr. and Louis Armstrong.

It has even been covered by U2 for God's sake!

Can someone be that close minded? Can someone be that angry with themselves and their life?

Shame.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Hilton in the park, playing games in the dark

And what she played was a masquerade
And from behind the walls of gran's house, a voice was crying out

But seriously:

It was a particularly vivid dream and really did happen. My grandmother always had and still has a house on Calais Road, in Sea Point. Much of my youth was spent playing on the front wall of the property - jumping on and off the wall, freaking my gran out. It is possibly those memories that set the scene for the dream. The dream happened shortly before my departure to the States.

There wasn't much to the dream - I was my current age and was sitting on the wall next to Paris Hilton. A friend of mine, Phil, was in the road in front of the house - showing off. While Phil showed off (largely ignored by Paris) I chatted to Hilts, often bringing her to near hysterics with my devillish humour and razor-sharp wit. We were there for what seemed like a good half an hour.

Hilts - consider her a friend

Now this is the point of this article: after spending the time with Hilts on my gran's wall it occured to me that she is in fact a very sweet girl. She was nothing but down to earth and we had an awesome time. Reading the articles largely written by people who have never met her only make me wonder. Have they even spent a moment of time with her? Have they ever actually stopped to see what makes her tick? After my time with Hilts I can only say that I wish everybody could have a chance to see what she is really like.

It got dark and we went to an outdoor party her sister was holding down the road. We tried to shake Phil along the way but it was fine when we got to the party 'cos he hooked up the sister and didn't have to show off anymore. Nothing happened between us and I'm glad it didn't - that's not what I was after.

Anyway.... quite interesting.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Essential for their survival

Regular readers will remember I went to Australia for the Formula 1 Grand Prix around this time last year. I think back to my time in Australia today for two reasons. Firstly because it was my birthday yesterday (clap, whistle) and I always think back to where I was a year ago, and secondly because that was the last time a simpleton has angered me to the point of my wishing him dead. There is an evil side to Seth that some of you may not know about. I deal with simpletons on a daily basis but none, other than a small handful, have incensed me to such a point.

Some of you might be asking why I am not thinking of the security guard at the Waterfront who I photographed and mentioned somewhere in the 2oceansvibe archives. The reason is the security guard unnecessarily asked me to move my car an inch in an empty car park - he didn't deny me parking altogether. I was still able to park - but had to do it his way. He was on a mini power trip. This was not on the same level of power trip I received from a barman in Australia a year ago and another barman in Chatham, Cape Cod this week.

I'll give a quick breakdown of the Australian incident. We went with our Australian buddies into a trendy upmarket club in Melbourne. After our first round I went up to the bar to get a round in. I took a final sip of my scotch and placed the glass on the bar. The bar was well varnished and everybody knows that tumblers slide the best on a varnished bar. Using a simple wrist action, I slid the tumbler down the bar about a meter. One meter. As the glass was sliding, it was approaching the edge of the bar - not the patron edge, the barman edge - the inside dge of the bar counter. It looked like it would stop just before the edge and, knowing it would merely fall onto the lower barman's counter (10cm fall) and not break, I thought I would wait and see. It was also empty so no harm whatsoever would come of it's fall. As it was slowing down I noticed a barman had also taken interest in my bar skills and had stopped working on the drink in his hand and was waiting to see what happened. The suspense was not dissimilair to that of a golf ball or snooker ball flirting with the hole/pocket. My fellow drinkers at the bar (strangers) had also taken interest in the outcome. I honestly thought it would stay on the bar. In fact it did but literally teetered and fell into the bar. A couple of other patrons and myself cried "Oooooohh" in unison - some of them giving me a knowing nod - they knew I was good but had just been unlucky this time. They knew I had skills.

"THAT'S IT !!!! DO NOT GIVE THIS GUY ANY SERVICE FROM NOW ON"

That is what was screamed by the barman who was watching to see the result of my skill display. I am convinced he was struggling with his sexual identity. It slowly sunk in that although the glass had not broken, nor spilt, I was being denied service from the bar for the rest of the evening.

"Ummm, it only just fell very gently into the bar - a mere 10 centimeter drop and didn't break or spill", I bellowed to the potential queer.

This is when he did the classic simpleton-on-power-trip display. Shaking his head with disgust he refused to look me in the eye and ANGRILY, with great speed and strong actions, started working on drinks for other customers. It is during these following two minutes that simpleton's power trips are on full display. They make and serve drinks with great speed - showing superb efficiency. As if to say that THEY whould have been chosen for Tom Cruise's role in Cocktail. Whilst pouring or squirting liquid into the glasses in their hands, they will lean back and talk under their breath to their colleagues - muttering their discord. They will also take other orders from other patrons - thus displaying the fact that this is a very busy bar where very serious work is taking place. Also showing that they, not unlike Windows 95, have the ability to multi-task. They are in fact a computer. A powerful computer with powerful instructions being processed in their heads. Something I will have no inclination of. Something that they can never expect me to understand. For I am simply a clown who performs glass sliding tricks for a living. I do not have a real job or real responsibility. I will never understand what is involved in doing a "CASH UP" or a "STOCK TAKE".

For the rest of the night my round of drinks had to be ordered by a friend. Such a feeling of power for the simpleton cannot be described. The feeling he felt that night must be pretty close to orgasmic. He probably put the moment straight into his wank bank - dying to use it later as he settled into his racing car single bed with Peter Pan duvet in the garage at his mom's house.

Because I was allowed to stay in the bar I was able to use the rest of the night to plan his downfall. I told my team that I had a plan but it would have me thrown out. I explained that they should therefore let me know when they want to leave and we could all leave together - me with the bouncers and them on foot. The time came. My friends gathered near the door and watched on to see what I had up my sleeve. It was a new bar trick - even better than the sliding tumbler trick earlier. I stood, hiding, with the bar in sight and watched what drinks people would order. I also kept an eye on prick hound who looked so good in his white school shirt. And then it happened... someone ordered a cranberry juice. I had to move fast. As jerk boy was returing with the change I grabbed the glass (a high ball) and, with a new wrist action, I flicked the glass, keeping it in my hand, releasing the liquid in a streamline from the top of his forehead down to his waist.

"OH MY GOD !!! BOUNCERSSSSSSSSSS !!!", shrieked fag boy.

But it was too late, they had already picked me up (literally) after I splashed twat face and slid the glass down the bar counter hard enough for it to clear the lower counter and smash on the barmen's floor.

Angry, pre-miditated Seth.

So that was part one of my simpleton power trip experience. I cannot let leave it. I must do something about it. I cannot just let them carry on - thinking they have a very good point. Going overboard and banning someone from being served for such a minor 'offence' is just unnecessary. You throw people out or ban them from drinking for things like pissing on the bar, or fighting, or stealing.

The second simpleton power trip occured this week. I was not able to retaliate but that doesn't mean I never will. Because of the length of this article I have decided to break it into two. So on we go to the sequel... (below)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Essential for their survival

Chatham, the seaside town in Cape Cod, Massachusetts is a town I have visited regularly since I was a young boy. I have always adored it and have always enjoyed spending my time in and around New England - from Nantucket to Martha's Vineyard it really is a special place. The gorgeous buildings, the wood carved shop signs, the meandering lanes and the laid-back way of life is something quite therapeutic.

This year is the first time I have been over during the time of my birthday - we always used to visit over Christmas and New Year. My parents joined me for a week, as did some friends from Boston. When the Boston crew, the Chatham crew, my parents and I get together we invariably get a little tooted. So two nights before my birthday we had a couple of drinks at our apartment on Main Street and walked 20 meters or so in the snow to the Chatham 'Squire' - a famous local bar frequented by the likes of Johnny Depp and Harry Connick Jr (No harm in throwing their names in. No harm at all!). It was meant to be a sort of warm up for the following night. A recce if you will. (reccie?).

We began ordering bottles of champagne (yes, from the region) and having a bit of fun on the one side of the bar - in the corner. The music was right out of the top drawer and we created a dance floor on more than seven occasions. On nights like this it is not uncommon for my mother and the females of our New England crew to fall on the ground. What normally happens is they fall to the floor by accident with their champagne flutes in their hands and remain down there, flopping around, chatting and laughing hysterically for quite a bit of time. Sometimes they even remain down there for quite some time, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall - raising their glasses from time to time for us to re-fill. Very civilised in fact.

"YOU GUYS HAVETA GO NOW"

Oh shit.... a simpleton. Peter, the barman had decided that we were all causing too much chaos in our tiny little corner and had to go home. Understand that most of the bar didn't even know what was going on as there is (normally) a very busy atmosphere in the place and our corner was only being used by us. We were also very easily the most profitable section of the bar - for orders and tips - something you cannot expect a simpleton to take into account. Not that I would ever use this fact in an argument - as that is just crass and something that Taki would not advise (see article on Taki somewhere in the archives - two/three or four months back).

Peter snapped into simpleton power trip mode - he made and served drinks with great speed - showing superb efficiency - often shaking his head and talking out the side of his mouth to his colleagues whilst pulling a beer tap. He also shouted out to the bouncers to come and get us - which they did. We went home to bed.

We woke in the morning without hangovers (interesting fact: you don't get hangovers if you stick to French champagne. Only cheapo's with bubbles the size of houseboats give hangovers). We laughed at the previous night's shenanigans and decided that Peter was going a bit overboard but maybe he wasn't used to our trademark playfulness.

So the next day (yesterday) was the night before my birthday and we had a drinks party for me at our apartment on Main street. It was a large gathering and loads of fun. Twelve o' clock was nearing and I announced that everyone should get their walking boots on and follow us to The Squire. Down the road we went and into the Squire we traipsed. I saw Peter, apologised for the previous night and ordered a bottle of champagne - which went ahead without a hitch. The rest of the crew arrived and everyone ordered drinks - which were served to us. I could see my mother and co whispering to each other and I knew that it was five minutes to 12 and they had something up their sleeve. I watched my mother lean over to the barman and order a bottle of champagne. "No", replied Peter. "Umm, it's my son's birthday in 5 minutes, please can we have one bottle of champagne", persisted my mother. "No", replied Peter-the-prick. "Why", asked Mum. "You guys were falling on the floor last night" was the retort.

Every member of our party tried to order a bottle, including a 75 year old man. Everyone was refused. BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED THE PREVIOUS NIGHT.

HOW MANY NIGHTS DO YOU DEEM IT NECESSARY FOR US TO LEARN OUR LESSON, PETER? HOW MANY NIGHTS DO YOU, THE FUCKING SIMPLETON, THINK IT WILL TAKE TO STOP US FALLING ON THE FLOOR AGAIN? WHY IS ONE NIGHT NOT ENOUGH? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Peter (in his 30's) was refusing drinks to our entire crowd now. No-one could order champagne. Imagine not giving champagne to a woman in her 50's for her son's birthday because of what happened on another night! Oh my fuck, it was too precious. An argument with the bouncers ensued and we were thrown out - second night in a row.

It is only because we have friends that live in Chatham that I didn't give Peter the Melbourne treatment. Our friends wouldn't be able to show their faces again if I had my way.

So instead I thought I would write this 'piece' and give a hearty FUCK YOU to Peter at the Chatham Squire. You are nothing but a simpleton on a power trip Peter. I have many intelligent, fun American friends but I know for a fact that when people refer to the classic "dumb American" they are referring to you. You get your kicks out of denying people drinks. It is the only power you have. You are going nowhere with your life and as a result are an angry little man who hasn't had proper fun in years. Shame on you, Peter - pathetic simpleton. Cheer up and stop hating yourself and everyone around you.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

From 'Bwoston'

So much to cover by now after four nights in london... And even more so that those two nights came after the Thursday night in Cape Town.

First port of call was Obz café in Observatory for the first South African Blog awards. (A blog is a website like 2oceansvibe with a daily diary entry known as a 'web log' - hence the word 'blog' - get it?). With the bulk of the first South African blog community in J'burg, most of the awards were from the same part of the country. Obviously we thought we would do our bit for Cape Town and take the award for best overall blog site. Thangyaverymuch.

Yes, and it's all thanks to you. For the category best overall website, there were 10,000 votes. We think it was very naughty of you lot to give 6,000 of those votes to us. That's not a win, my love, that's a landslide. That's not very fair on the other competitors. But I’m sure you all played your part in the victory and we would like to dedicate it to each and every one of you. It is OUR award.

I had a good story to tell about Thursday night but I completely forgot.

So I was fetched at Heathrow by a Merc S500 courtesy of the H-man and whisked to my residence off Fulham Palace Road. Showered, changed and went to dinner at Sophie’s on the Fulham road with some good friends. Awesome steak if you ever get a chance. When dinner was settled we enjoyed the guest list at Boujis. If you can organize to get in it is also highly recommended. We did the public school boy thing with bottles of vodka, champagne and Red Bulls in an ice bucket. Standard stuff, you gather.

Saturday night seemed to deliver the same recipe which left Sunday and Monday for chilling out. Chilling done, I have arrived in Boston and will be ‘itting Harvard tomorrow and heading through to Chatham, Cape Cod. I’ll keep an eye out for Dawson and Pacey.

Just a quick one, nothing radical. Just to keep you happy.

Chat laters.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Send our love to the Kennedy's

It's count down time now for the little overseas journey. I think I know an excited little boy!

This is officially the last article I will write until I am on another continent's soil. I don't know if I will write anything in London but you better keep an eye out just in case. If I have a moment I'll try and be semi hilarious. I will also have to report back on tonight's blog awards which should be a hoot. More importantly I might report back on my Saturday night I have planned in London. As reported earlier, I am being looked after by the 'H-man'. There is a new addition to our schedule it seems.....

On Saturday night, after our driver takes us out into the bright lights of London (after the England v Scotland game) it seems we have been invited to a penthouse in Hyde Park for a 3am (start) after party with our homies 50 cent, Pharrel Williams and, of course, Snoop Dogg. We haven't chilled with Snoop for a while so there will be loads to catch up on.

For Shizzle

Be good, angels. If you can HONESTLY say you have been through every archive of 2oceansvibe then you may as well shrivel up and die until the next article. But you know in your heart that you HAVEN'T - so go and have a squizz and I'll catch up with you from another land.

Goodbye friends.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Let's have a little squizz at nature, said Seth

Well it's all quite a coincidence. I was emailed some pics yesterday morning from a friend who went out on a boat in Hout Bay. The water was glass and there was a squadron of 200-300 dolphins going mental. Apparently it really was something to behold. In the background you can see a block of apartments on the mountain side next to Chapmans Peak ('Chappies' if you MUST).

It just so happens that I went for a toot last night at friends who own one of the apartments in the block. I thought I would wrap it all up and take some pics to end off the pictorial. Quite a cuck sunset.

Gerald had this to say:

Greetings all

I would like to start by saying that this email is by no means meant to make anyone jealous in any way… BUT…
I got up early this morning in the hope to have a surf before work - only to find that it was dead flat here at Llandudno.

I decided that we should take the boat out and go have a spin on the sheet glass Atlantic Ocean.

We pulled out of Hout Bay and just as we were speeding off I saw some movement in the distance towards the other side of the bay. It turned out to be a pod of what must have been easily over 200 dolphins just simply hanging out. I had a camera, but alas, typically the battery was basically dead. I did however manage to get some shots and they came out cool. (attached). I must say though that the pics do the situation and the dolphins absolutely no justice whatsoever.

We stayed among them for about 40 minutes and just watched them show off, then we decided to keep going and about 20 or so escorted us out of hout bay alongside the bow at full speed. Something a camera is incapable of expressing, battery or no battery.

We went all the way to robben island and the waterfront on a completely flat, fish filled, action packed, scorcher of a day.

Not a bad day to start a Tuesday morning, or is it Friday today, oh I dunno.

That evening

Shame

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

In that order

Red Bull put on a good show at Eclipse (God we’re going there a lot lately) on Saturday night. Thoroughly enjoyed by all. Sianne and Jaime are easily the best waitress newcomers on the Atlantic Seaboard. Jaime on her first shift and Sianne with her delicate little necklace, speckled with coloured gems – adorable! Welcome angels. And goodbye to Mitch the Manager who should maybe remember to pass on his guest list names to his successor next time. Paul also suffered from the same amnesia type ailments. Arriving with 7 guests only to be presented with no guest list can be a trying affair. Nevertheless, it seems Eva is the new name to know. Speaking of going out places, I think a big welcome back is in order for the Fez. Now that Opium has taken the old-Fez’s mantle of being the seedy trash-seekers establishment of choice, it seems people are returning to Fez. At least one can leave without feeling like used dirt. Get out before 4 otherwise ‘Another brick in the wall’ on full volume will do it for you.

Sunday saw the Argus cycle tour which by all accounts was great fun for young and old, fit and fat. Can we put our bicycles away for another year now, guys? (Apologies, Jason and P-lo. It’s not you, it’s them). Honestly I think it’s great to be out and about, but the combination of the funny (“can I come in the shop wearing these?”) shoes and robot-shooting pelotons is just about forcing me to breaking point. Try spinning, I believe they play Armand van Halen. One or two cyclists at a time are great, but these random groups of ten really do throw my thinking patterns. I get confused, like I should be getting out of my car to stop traffic or something. The crazy helmets, the out-of-control sunglasses, THE OUTFITS, the secret language and, yes, the shoes are too much to take in at once. I know if I got into cycling it would be an absolute muff show. Clearly there is cooler gear that can be got. Cooler gear that I would want. Surely there is ‘the latest’ gear and stuff you can get / MUST have. I can imagine myself losing it completely – asking my mother to stop by Singapore to see if she can find me a special kind of ‘gear release’ (or something far more confusing sounding) which only weighs half a gram and is hand-made by blind virgin monks on ‘e’ for something like R5,600. I’ll buy special edition ‘Shimano’ spokes of which only seven were made in the whole world. They’re gold tipped to make you even FASTER! Christ, I’ll have heart rate monitors, flashing red lights, GPS, silicone breast implanted seats and handle bars made to fit only my fingerprints. I would have a special device that converts my sweat into energade which feeds though a tube into my mouth – making me last longer and ride FASTER. My cellphone will OBVIOUSLY be built into my helmet (I assume they’re doing that already). It really will become too much. That is why I cannot get into it. I would rather watch from over here. I’ll stand out for this one. I prefer to be confused. Just let me watch.

Deep breath.

This week is particularly crazy with events and functions aplenty. I suppose it wouldn’t be right to attend and not mention beforehand the blog awards at Obz Café in Observatory on Thursday night. Good luck to all nominees. Don’t forget to thank the foreign press. I really don’t know what to expect but I’m sure it’ll be good fun. Our buddies at Splattermail, zablog and cherryflava will be there in full force. Good luck you crazy kids.

Whether 2oceansvibe wins anything or not, an overseas trip is definitely in order. That said, it’s off to London and Boston on Friday morning. Four nights in London includes breakfasts, lunches, dinners, Twickenham (England vs Sctoland) and a few nights to let our hair down. My host, Harry (the H-man) has organized events, functions, cars, drivers, tickets and the doors at a number of clubs which I cannot pronounce. Once that is done we will find ourselves waking up at some time on Sunday. One venue I can confirm is more of a bar. Sunday night P&P Fulham to be exact. Do they still sell vodka red bull jugs? We’ll just have to see. Better yet, is ‘Angels’ still the closing song of the evening?

Tuesday brings me to Boston airport at which point I will be whisked away to Cape Cod for a week before returning to Boston for another week. More will be revealed at a later stage. Harvard, Martha’s Vineyard and other key talking points will be visited. My time in ‘The Cape’ is always a special one. A time for reflection, a time for change and a time with the New England gang. You could very well find a whole new different Seth on my return.

Unless a girlfriend is found for a trip to Provence in May, there may well be no more overseas trips for the year. Shock. Horror.But don’t expect silence on 2oceansvibe. Just like the 2004 live Melbourne F1 Grand Prix coverage, a camera will be taken along to record and document life-changing scenarios. Your interests are always first on Seth’s agenda.

Ok, that should be enough for now

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Finally! someone thought of it!

Free booze and food at Vespa Cafe on Lower Kloof Road. Free?

Yes free! In exchange for R180 !

OR

R150 THROUGH 2OCEANSVIBE !

THAT'S RADICAL MAN !!

Party Flyer for Vespa Party, 24 March, 19h00 - 00h30
MENTAL !

That's right! Just mention 2oceansvibe and you'll get your ticket for R150 instead of R180. It's these sort of perks that keep us alive

Email how many tickets you need to either one of these email address. MENTION 2OCEANSVIBE to get the discount.

charlesc@berrydon.co.za

roryr@cpt.hc.co.za

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

2oceans uniting people - forming bonds to pay mortgage bonds

Diana P writes to Seth:

Hi Seth,

The day my current flatmate gave me notice was the day you started up the new FREE classified Ad Section. Coincidence? I think not. Just found my new flatmate! thanks Seth..you rock!

Di

Well that is good to hear. But we did tell you that the new 2oceansvibe Classified Ads would make sense. Like minded people sharing, selling, buying, giving, taking - it should work.

Out of the 30 ads already posted in the Classifieds section, we have have 12 emails reporting success - not a bad strike rate!

Give it a try - CLICK HERE for the 2oceansvibe Classified Ads.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

No installations necessary - anywhere - ever

It means you can have internet access on the beach, on the mountain, in your car. Basically anywhere you can have sex. As long as a cellphone signal is available. It's time you all realised that. AND IT'S HIGH SPEED. It's time you realised it is not the same as 'wi-fi' or an 'airport'. It does not need wireless card that send signals to a nearby point. No Sir. No Ma'am. It is also nothing to do with your cellphone. It is a chip stuck inside a card which slots into the side of your laptop. Then you are 'A' for 'away'!

So this effectively means you will never have to speak to anyone at Telkom ever again. I don't even know if my house has a land line and the only reason I would have a line at home is for high speed internet access. BUT NOT ANYMORE FRIENDS. No longer do you have to listen to Telkom 'please hold' music. Telkom are a thing of the past.

The 3G cards talk to the nearest cellphone network beacon and receive high-speed (384Kb per second (just slightly slower than ADSL)) data transfer which launches you onto the World Wild West wirelessly 24 hours a day. Do your banking anywhere, chat to friends overseas, email, watch porn - all wirelessly at high speed. It switches over to a slower speed every now and then, depending on where you are. This is because they are still upgrading a few cellphone beacons. This hardly ever happens to me but it's not the end of the World when it does.

How much? I'm getting there. R600 a month for 1 gigabyte of traffic. Trust me, you won't use it up. R350 a month gets you 500 Mb of traffic. I have one of those and, if you're not downloading movies, it is plenty. You can upgrade to the 1 Gig if you see you're using too much. You can keep an eye on how much you're using all the time on the piece of software that comes with it. It really is quite ridiculous.

I really can't tell you anymore. You also don't have to be linked to any ISP. ALL YOU NEED IS THE CARD! Are you even listening to me?

IT IS CHEAPER THAN TELKOM ADSL

AND IT'S WIRELESS

YOU WILL BE FLYING FOR R350 A MONTH

JUST STUFF THE CARD INTO YOUR LAPTOP

AND YOU'LL BE F*CKING FLYING !

IT JOINS YOUR CURRENT VODACOM CONTRACT

IF YOU'R WITH MTN YOU HAVE TO LET GO NOW

GROW UP

Email James on james.winter@vodacom.co.za for 3G access
Mention 2oceansvibe for special discounts

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Catch a valet parking assistant

A few weekends ago we popped into Hemisphere, the new club on the 30-odd floor of the ABSA building. We drove up and slowed down at the entrance as we looked for a place to park. A young fellow appeared at my window as if to say something. I wound down the window thinking, "Now what does this young fellow want?". Politely, I was asked if I would be interested in making use of the valet parking service. I laughed at the suggestion and motioned the cheeky blighter to move on. I found a park nearby.

It is very nice to know that the full service is being offered and that we are becoming more and more international but, you know as well as I do how easily little things can go wrong. Do you think they imported a valet park manager from a Manhatten Studio 54-type club? No no, it's more than likely a 24 year old TIK user. Something will go wrong. Something will be missing, or worse, something out of place when the car comes back. That's if it comes back. It's just too much risk. Until you show me an AA endorsed (chances) valet parking tattoo on your ass, I just be can't be too sure what we're dealing with.

A friend of mine had her car valet parked at Hemisphere last night. Now surely you can't beat leaving a club at God knows what hour, dying for your bed and a few moments to yourself to send out some stalker-type text messages before you slip into a deep slumber. Imagine being held at the mercy of a buffoon valet parking service for half an hour as it is announced that your keys have been lost. That is exactly what happened...

Other than that you guys are doing well. Just stop hiring monkeys. Looking after someone's automoble could present a wild array of problems. For me I would say the worst thing that could present itself is finding a used condom under the pedals. Never say never. It has happened somewhere in the World - it had to have.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

And what a pearler! It's the freakin' weekend!

Apart from playing the clean version of Snoop Doggy Dog's 'What's my name', Eclipse had everything in check last night. I very nearly didn't go but I would like to thank the city of Cape Town for talking me into it!

But for now, it's Friday and Stormers are playing within the next hour!!! How crazy is that? Invent a meeting and watch the game at Caprice over a pair of coddled eggs. That's what we'll be doing, anyway. We are very proud to announce that 2oceansvibe's very own MR 2OCEANSVIBE will be throwing pin point lineout balls as Shimange (spelling?) is sidelined. Sorry my angel, we need a professional for this one.

It's gonna be loads of fun today, kids. I think we will reintroduce the Friday input from you, the faithful 2oceansvibe readers.

So, without wasting anymore time, go ahead and email us anything you need to say - but make it positive. If we like it, we'll pop it on the site.

Inspire us, readers. CLICK 'contact 2oceansvibe' on the left and tell us something interesting.....

Caprice, fire up those coddled eggs.......

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Make him like you

The main reason for this article is to stop this pic being sent to me. It seems 2oceansvibe has become some sort of a bastion for all things David Hasselhof. We have tons of pics of The Hof but only a prized few make it to the site. This one just had to feature. The Hof was so young, so nubile. The Do's and Don't to winning his heart - un be lievable.

CLICK for do's and don'ts of winning The Hof's heart

His hair 'do' is in such good nick it's quite unbelievable - definately the best 'do' on his list! I didn't read every do and don't as I fell to the floor with the do that reads, "DO love music, rock and roll and COUNTRY ESPECIALLY".

Wow.... nothing else.... just WOW.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

FOUND!

Die Hard OC fans will be wondering what the ef happened to the OC which was on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 20h00 on channel 84 (Channel GO). I nearly shat the other night when I was presented with The Fresh Prince of Bel Air instead of the Cape Town lifestyle duplicate of the OC. Being too weak to look into it and preferring to crumble into a ball of spit I merely gave up on everything.

Marissa - thank you

But LO AND BEHOLD, OUT OF THE EFFING BLUE, Shaun L sent an UNSOLICITED email, almost reading my mind. This is what I was given in my inbox:

Hey Seth!

Just a reminder that the spanking new season of The O.C starts tonight - 20:00pm! This is NOT to be missed!!

"Their lives were all on the verge of drastic changes at the end of season one; now a summer has passed over the shore of Orange County and no one's lives are the same...What will autumn bring for the residents of Newport? Dont miss the start of the long awaited second season of the OC!

extract from mnet.co.za

Cheers

Shaun

Shaun, I was going out to dinner tonight but, I mean really, there is no need anymore. Thank you MNET for taking things so seriously and launching us into a whole new sphere, a whole new adventure. Will Ryan continue to only talk whilst looking sideways? Will Summer continue to be so cute? All will be revealed.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Motorised scooters, turn tables, mixers,

Free windsurfers. Computers, digital cameras. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE what you can find in the 2oceansvibe Classified ads!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

It's a start.... we wait for more

As we wait for someone to tailor make a 2Mb video file especially for 2oceansvibe, we have these still shots from the video to peruse.

CLICK HERE for Patricia Lewis film still shots

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Finally, Patrica Lewis becomes useful

It's always an absolute pleasure to report on one of our local 'stars' contributing to the soft porn industry. In this case, is no-one else but everyone's favourite Curry Cup national anthem singer (no, not PJ Powers), Patrica Lewis.

God forbid PJ Powers ever got into soft porn
(shiver down my spine)

Passionate Patty

So there you have it, in 1996, Patricia ('Passionate Patty' if you know her well) kicked off her rollercoaster film/movie career by starring in an 'erotic thriller' caled "The other side of the moon". Apparently it is also known as "Fanette" [insert fanny jokes here].

Patty claims the big naked action scene in the movie is in fact not her. Whatever, Patty.

The film can be downloaded from the net for the first time ever and a Stellenbosch student has ordered a few (as they do). We're expecting copies to be sent our way for anaysis.

More from IOL on Particia Lewis's first soft porn movie

thanks graham r

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

2oceansvibe re-invents classads

Now why would a new online classads be any different to the next one? How can an online classified ads stand out from the others? .......

You know how. It's you. It's 2oceansvibe....... It's all of us. How much reassurance on a product or service do you need other than dealing with another person who shares your love for Cape Town bullshit, Paris Hilton, champagne, rah-rah skirts, cutting edge fashion, the TBG, delusions of coolness, the beach and pathetic humour?

Not a bad point.

So that's how we're going to throw it at you. I think you're smart enough to give it a bash. Just have a peep at the power of the 2oceansvibe Marketplace - it's like another city.

Within 24 hours we've had all sorts come and go on the site. DVD's, Golf Pro shop vouchers, cellphones, laptops, Argus entries, houses for rent and even a young fellow looking for a diving buddy! Sea Diver.... not sky diver.

Give it a little test.

CLICK HERE for the 2ceansvibe classified ads

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

H.A.C fails to reach reserve price

Our boy, John Danes, managed to receive a highest bid of R5,000 a month pay for a potential 6 month job. As you may or may not know, the reserve price was R5,500 a month. John Danes has moved on towards the work-for-yourself option and we wish him all the best.

See the full story here.

And what was the job offered to John Danes for the price of R5,000 a month? - Marketing promotions Manager

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Over affair that broke up Tristan and Rachel's marraige

Angelina Jolie's estranged fasha, John Voight, apparently confronted the Pittster at an Oscar pre-drinks vibe the other weekend.

Tristan and Rachel

Why did Brad have to punish him by telling him that if he wanted to continue the discussion he should speak to his (Pitt's) manager.

PUNISHED BY TRISTAN

GENIEDIT

More of the article here at IOL

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Sung to the tune of Duran Duran's 'Notorious' (Not P Diddy, Kids)

Just has the Transvaal had to bow down to a more traditional name, so too has Pretoria.

"The Tshwane City Council voted on Monday to retain the name Pretoria for the city centre only, whereas the name Tshwane will refer to the greater metropolitan area." (IOL)

"Hey Angel, where you from?"

"Tshwane"......

"BAKING!"

I don't know if its going to take off. It's like people giving me directions around Claremont and telling me to keep driving past 'Stadium on Main'.......

Stadium on Main.........?

Ohhhhhhhhhh, you mean 'The Atrium' ! Call it what you want it'll always be a f*ck up. I very much doubt the masterminds behind Atrium had visions of it being a haven for action cricket, go-karts, cellphone top-up card shops and wierd evil geek adventure card swapping meetings.

Back to the Pretoria article, something interesting:

"In his closing speech at the council meeting Tshwane mayor Smangaliso Mkhatshwa said he hoped for a future where his grandchildren's children were far removed from "the poison of apartheid" and in which issues such as name changes would have ceased to be of consequence." (IOL)

That said, Smangaliso obviously doesn't want his grandchildren to have any sense of history. He wants to pretend things were always like this. Why be ashamed of the turnaround? Are we not proud of name changes? Are we not proud that we've achieved so much? Apartheid is over my love, there is no need to pretend it never happened. Rather marvel at the beauty of the new gravy train and what it means to all of us.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

It cannot get better than this

Below this article is the story of the 'Numa Numa' kid who found fame on the internet by mistake. Right here we have the story of the kid who has become known as the 'Star Wars Kid'. It's a video of himself in a mock battle using a golf ball retriever stick as a Star Wars light saber. The World has dubbed him 'The Star Wars' kid and there is a petition signed by over 16,000 people who believe he should be included in the next Star Wars movie.

Star Wars kid - What a beaut

But we cannot tease the kid, apparently he is under serious psychiatric treatment and had to pull out of school. Thank God we never had internet and cell phones when we were kids.

Read an article from Wired magazine here

Download the video here (3Mb)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Internet fame disappointment

Gary Brolsma ballsed it up completely. He fell in love with a Romanian pop song (O-Zone's international hit, 'Dragostea Din Tei') and after learning it verbatim, decided to record himself singing it in front of his computer.

Gary had a good vibe for webcam entertainment

It's things like this that make us smile and it's things like this that we will give you. Trust me, you'll pee yourself.

So there are two things for you to click, first is an article from the New York Daily News and second is a link to a webpage showing the video (sound required).

Click here for New York Daily News Article

Click here for Gary Brolsma Numa Numa video

thanks james c

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Why is she so naughty?

As promised earlier today, here is a pic of Paris being doing what she is best at. NSFW (Not Suitable For Work/Wife).

Is that NICE? (NSFW)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Tall Blonde Guy spotted in his car. We're learning more about TBG.

And yet another clue into the life of the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy). We still don't know what makes him tick, but at least we know what he drives.

TBG and car - a match made in heaven

In this rare pic of the TBG in his car (sent in by Keth M) near Llandudno, we see the magic of the TBG in his vehicle. We always believed there was a certain 'old school' vibe to the TBG - it has now been confirmed. Very cool, TBG....... whoever you are.....

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

As faithfull as last week.

It was cruel, I know. Depriving you of the drivel and ranting for such an extended period of time. Remember the days when a column a week was the trend? That’s what it felt like this week. It felt bad. And it hurt me too. It hurt us. And I mean ‘us’. It’s not about 2oceansvibe, it’s about ‘us’ - 2oceansvibe and YOU. And you. And you. Us.

Seriously though, we’ve come up with something new. I get a lot of emails from people wanting to get rid of shit, sell shit, give shit etc. People looking for tickets to concerts. People trying to sell tickets to concerts. People selling cars. People renting houses. People selling jousting sticks. People selling their souls, their bodies and so much more. So we’ve come up with a radical new concept.

* 2oceansvibe classified ads *

Let it sink in.

Hey, hey, hey – take it easy. Shhhhhh (holding you in my arms tight against my chest, rubbing your back, rocking back and forth). Shhhhhh. Stop it. Take a deep breath. Now don’t get frightened. Don’t get weird. We’re still the same thing. The same animal. Nothing else will change.We still believe in Paris Hilton and the TBG. We still believe in the sanctity of the internet.

We still laugh at people like the guy who runs wab.co.za. For example, we still find it amusing that he is in love with Tintin. We still chuckle at the fact that he worships the gym (includes tuna obsession - we seen these types before) and sometimes dreams about it, not worrying about more important things, like the size of his penis. We still look down on him for referring to a group of African gentleman as "Schwartzes". We still feel sorry for guys like wab.co.za (he needs all the links he can get) because they can’t handle talking to the fairer sex:

(taken from wab.co.za) - First reason quoted as a reason not to take a girl out on a date “1) Will have to talk to her”.

I think I know a little boy who might be hiding somethiiiiiiiing. I think I know a little boy who needs to go to his room and not come out before he’s had a good think about thiiiiiiiings. And if not at home, I think I know a little boy who needs a little lie down in the caaaaaar!

I know a good number for a shrink.

Did we mention Tintin?

And, as we take our last sip of Moet en Chandon, watching models in bikinis dangle off the balconies, nibbling de-shelled crayfish, ignoring calls from Jack Nicholson, getting stingy with de Niro, we are amused by his choice of hangouts.

Our boy, commented so informatively on Camps Bay - "gale force winds and subzero water temperature.". Fair play, but this is definitely an angry little man. Have you ever spent time over season in Camps Bay? It's a f*cking dog show. It's chaos. Can you imagine if the water was warm and the wind dead-still? No, I am not talking about the fact that Cape Town wouldn't cope with the increased chaos, I'm just saying that he'd be there more often.

Camps Bay - very cuck (sic)

Let’s stop it now. This article is not about wab.co.za (let's get those hits moving a bit, fella) so there is not enough room to mention anything else…. Like the photograph on said website of our boy/a friend welding his computer…… with goggles on. Shame.

So that's what I'm saying here. You can see we’re still the same website. We're on the same page.

‘Website, internet, Paris Hilton, Country’.
(playing on the quote “unit, corps, god, country” from the movie ‘A few good men (if I must hold your hand through this one)).

So because it’s Cape Town and everyone knows everyone [insert banned “wow, small world” cliché] and everyone knows what you’re doing, where you are, where you work, who you’re screwing, what your assets are etc. – we feel people should also know what YOU’RE SELLING (trumpets, clapping, cheering, crying even). We will have a permanent link to it shortly but if you want a peep in the meantime, have a look here - classifieds.2oceansvibe.com (the names a mouthful, but so are our adverts).

AND YES, THEY ARE FREE

So let’s get into it. Throw it out there. Someone will see it. Someone will know someone who needs it. It will sell. In our very own 2oceansvibe community. Let's take this puppy our for a spin... see what it can do. It will be amazing. It’s like the day they invented champagne flutes that plug directly into dinky bottles of champagne, allwing the user to effectively drink out of the bottle, elegantly. They also fit in magnums.

I see ‘toothless wonder’ is still working at the Cubana bar in Claremont. Cool. Between that and the shirtless, portly Billy the Bum’s barman (shaking cocktail mix in his trousers and ritualistically pouring it into the mouth of a bride-to-be on her hen night, to the tune of “pretty fly for a white guy” (give it to me baby, aha aha) – obviously) I don’t know which held the most nostalgia.

I’ve got an incredible shot of everyone’s favourite millionaire tart giving one helluva flash to the cameras (not the one where she gets out the car, a new one) . I’ll put it up later. It’s the one you missed in Heat magazine a couple of weeks back. We bought our first Heat mag just to get it, but bought a more recent copy by mistake (they seem to sell pooh weekly, not monthly) and missed out on the treat. We did enjoy the shots of someone called Danny K. So suddenly the very recent Paris pic turned up in our email. Someone found it on the internet. You’ll get it later boys…. And girls (half 2oceansvibe readership, believe it or not).

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. Go do some work. Hit the beach. Sell some shares. Organize a shoot. Do a shoot. Serve a drink. Whatever you do, get back to it. Or continue floating around 2oceansvibe. Read through all the archives if you have a couple of hours to spare. Lose yourself. Let go.

At the and of your day, go home, shower and get to Mount Nelson Planet bar from about 7. NO INVITES, ALL WELCOME - first birthday party for Planet Bar. Drink specials. Hot waitresses. Goldfish are playing. Welcome drinks. Birthday cake. Word has spread nicely about this vibe - it'll be a blast. Everyone knows champagne makes you CRAZY!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

As he crumples up into a ball

Hi Team! Now if you remember correctly, a few weeks back I called upon our true 2oceansvibe people to vote for 2oceansvibe in the South African Blog awards. (Blog is a ‘web log’ – the kind of daily-diary-entry website that 2oceansvibe is – and others want to be). Due to your dedication and devotion which converted into votes, 2oceansvibe secured nominations in three categories – Best Overall Site, Best Written Site and Best Lifestyle Site. Good work boys and girls.

But now we have reached the final voting stage. This time it is very real. It’s probably the most serious thing you have ever had to do in your life. Voting has been opened for the whole of last week and ends at the end of this week. You know what that means…. IT’S VOTING TIME! We thought you would have a rest last week and pump it this week. We would hate to deprice you of a possible two weeks of silence from 2oceansvibe. One week, concentrated, should do it. Just think, if you vote hard enough, then Seth will have renewed life and will continue to amaze and amuse you. His stories will be more legible, his writing even more ludicrous.

So the website will stay frozen….just like this… until we see a very obvious influx of votes from you, the faithful 2oceansvibe crew. We’re always there for you…. Are you there for us? Is your love for 2oceansvibe as great as 2oceansvibe’s love for you? Hmmmm, let’s have a look see.

You are allowed one vote per computer (per IP address) per day, so we suggest you vote daily. Imagine if 2oceansvibe didn’t win in all three categories?!? How crazy would that be?!? It might all have to end if that happened. We might all have to go underground and sulk for all eternity.

So Seth has gone to bed until the votes reach a suitable level. Go on, get Seth out of bed. Make him, and yourselves, proud. (start background music).

When you get to the voting screen, remember to click next to 2oceansvibe IN ALL THREE CATEGORIES before you cast your vote.

CLICK HERE TO GET TO THE VOTING

(WHEN YOU GET THERE, REMEMBER TO CLICK NEXT TO 2OCEANSVIBE
IN ALL THREE CATEGORIES BEFORE YOU CLICK 'VOTE')

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com