I get scared when I write articles like these. When I am so fucking excited about something that I KNOW I simply have to tell you but am too scared to write - frightened at the prospect of surely not being able to describe the happiness and bubbling that I feel inside when I think about it. I'm talking about a TV series overseas called Entourage.
I remember as a kid being so excited about whatever devilish caper I was involved in the time, that I would get a bone. It was purely from the excitement (and to be clear, I have never, to this day, been turned on by pouring salt into a sugar bowl). I had probably never realised that being naughty could fill one's body with so many bubbles of excitement. The feeling was all so undiscovered. It's quite obvious what was happening. My brain was growing at the time, trying to accommodate this new unlearnt sensation that it was trying to pump back at me. It was all happening too fast and, at the risk of my head exploding, the blood was transferred into my penis, resulting in a (let's face it) magnificent erection. The human body is an amazing thing; as we grow older and are no longer excited about things that used to blow our minds, we slowly come to the realisation that sex is the only thing that we really get excited about anymore. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you (God willing) get a bone before sex.
Having explained that, I am now able to describe, in words, the happiness I felt when I watched Entourage...........Quite simply, I got a bone.
It's a big image I showed you there. Those of you who have had the privilege of watching Entourage would probably want it bigger than that.
I'll tell you right now that this article is not going to end anytime soon. So if you're quickly scanning over this, you're wasting your fucking time. Minimise the fucker and come back when you have a moment - because I want you to listen to this shit.
I was at some sort of a wedding or housewarming or childwarming or bar mitzvah or engagement the other day and I ran into Boozer. Boozer is always a great crowd so I gave him thirty minutes. We laughed, we cried - and then the defining moment came. He told me that he had something that I would like. A DVD set. A series. Like 24. Or Lost. Or Desperate Housewives. But better. The best, apparently. He said it was called Entourage and it was RIGHT up my street. I thought back to my 2006 Strengthening Ties Tour and remembered The English US PR Guy telling me that it was imperative that I get my hands on Entourage. (I can't believe I'm doing that whole italics thing every time I type the word Entourage - God, it's so emboerrissing.)
I asked if I could borrow it and he said it should be fine - because he got it from Forbsie who had bought it in the States . I would normally panic at this stage - when someone kind of promises you something - but it hinges on the permission of another. Not this time.
I have run into Forbsie from time to time over the years. We've never really had a good chat, but we're smart enough to give each other horns when we see each other. We're from different "groups" but Boozer vouches for both of us, so you've got a pretty decent litmus test right there. There was never a good bonding moment for Forbsie and I, so we didn't push it. There was no need - it was a bit of a given that our day would come. I would like to thank Entourage for giving myself and Forbsie a connection.
I warned Boozer that The P.A. was fucking lethal and, if I set her a task to get something for me, it would be got. Boozer assured me that he was done with EntourageSeries 1 and that I could have it. Piglet received the new assignment on Monday morning : "Get Boozer's number from the file (we keep a file on everyone - even you) and acquire the DVD set." Not since the 2005 retrieval of my Piz Buin (factor eight) from The Photographer had such a rigid task been set. Six in the morning sms's to Boozer seemed to be the only way to get the boy to remember to take the merchandise to work for the handover. (Our boy was at Incestec in town at the time and subsequently left - as they invariably do).
I took possession of the goods and went home, triumphant, to the Paris Hilton house. The Fabrics Guy was frothing at the mouth in anticipation as I frisbee 'd the DVD across the room directly into the DVD player (we like to keep the DVD player open for stunts like these).
Boozer was right - it was perfect.
The show is about Vince"Vinny" Chase (played by Devil Wears Prada's Adrian Grenier), an up-and-coming film star and his close friends that stick by his side during his rise to stardom. The show is produced by Mark Wahlberg and is apparently loosely based on his life. Anyway, Vince gives each of his buddies jobs to do so they can justify abusing (all very aware) the spoils of their friend's new found fame. They all get plenty action, with our boy, Vinny, completely cleaning up. He takes prime picking and leaves the boys to fight over the other stars and supermodels in the VIP areas. They all just COMPLETELY FUCK AROUND THE WHOLE TIME. It's HILARIOUS! Do we want ANYTHING more than this to watch?
His one buddy, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara), becomes the driver and fucks around all day in the Hummer or the Rolls. Eric "E" (Nicky Hilton's ex, Kevin Connolly) becomes his manager and becomes pretty good at it. Then there his older brother, Johnny "Drama" Chase who came pretty close to fame as an actor a few years back, but didn't get much further after his show "Viking's Quest" got cancelled. He keeps thinking he is a big deal but only gets freaks and weirdo's coming up to him to talk about Viking's Quest. But sometimes he gets a brain-dead bombshell and abuses the situation. But let me tell you the funniest thing about this guy........ HE IS MATT DILLON'S BROTHER IN REAL LIFE - Kevin Dillon. So he is basically playing a role that he IS in real life. It's too much to comprehend. He comes close to stealing the show.
The sideshow to the main crew, with his incredibly unstable marriage, is Vinny's agent, Ari (played by Jeremy Piven). I say "sideshow", but he pretty much steals the show. He is a fucking lunatic, throwing out one liner's like a whore. In the one episode he gives his special brand of motivation, with the instruction, "Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting". He is SUCH a prick. You will LOVE him.
"Vinny"
Turtle
"E"
"Drama"
"Ari"
The show has extended cameos by various well known stars. For example, in one episode, they go to a house party at Jessica Alba's house. She is there, acting as herself. In the one episode Vinny gets his buddy/manager, "E", to get him Scarlett Johansson's phone number. He gets it for him - Vinny and Scarlett hook up. Then they throw in CURVEBALLS who you LOVE, like Gary Busey and Bob Saget. Bob Saget, now a washed up TV star, just gets FUCKED the whole time. The show is SO addictive, I couldn't stop watching.
Back to present day.........The Outside Centre had a bar mitzvah of sorts at his shed in Kommetjie. Boozer was there. I chiseled out another half an hour for him. We got talking about Entourage, as the likes of Nick Goldblatt came closer, intrigued as to what all the excitement was about. Boozer informed me that he had just completed Series 2 (also from Forbsie). I confirmed that he could expect a call from The P.A. on Monday morning. Nick Goldblatt, dick in hand, insisted that he should take delivery of Series 1 from me at the same time.
The next week saw incredible coordination by all parties involved, as the double handover went ahead as perfectly and precisely as a small child through butter. The P.A. orchestrated the delivery of Series 1 from me to Nick Goldblatt, and Series 2 from Boozer to me. Nick Goldblatt even found himself using 'the zebra' to acquire a brand new multi-zone DVD player. He uses the old one as an ashtray now.
All of us have now completed Series 1 and 2 (as they get better and better) and I am waiting for delivery of Series 3 which I have pre ordered on Amazon. Forbsie, I'll call you when I'm done with it.
I don't know how long these things take to get to South Africa, but MNET better wake the fuck up, because people need this shit in their lives.
[But then.....]
STOP. DON'T PANIC!! I have just found Season 1 and 2 online for purchase in South Africa. Check this out. It's easier than you thought!
Don't worry about a thing - I have made it very easy for you. That is why I am here. For you. To make you happier.
I adore you, Goddamn it!
Follow these links below... It'll change your life.
2oceansvibe characters mentioned in this article, and in future, can be viewed in all their glory on the 2oceansvibe characters page. (Also available via the left menu)
I received an email from the US PR Guy which simply stated, "Front page of NY Times today - Story about Afrikaner pride and some song about a rebel general". He was referring to this very well written article.
Awesome! You gotta love it when our more emboerrissing stories make onto the front pages overseas. Just when you think we can get rid of it before the world finds out....BANG....everyone overseas is now talking about an Afrikaans uprising.
Whatever side you're on in the De la Rey debate (if there REALLY IS a debate to be had) I very much doubt that it had to get to this stage and I am certainly not going to dignify the subject with my own personal views which, quite honestly, I don't have the strength to form in the first place.
All I know is when I went to Parys to investigate the origins of Die Leeuloop, I sang De la Rey as loud as I could in every bar that they played it in (all bars). I didn't know what the fuck it meant but I thoroughly enjoyed the tune and enjoyed singing it.
Meaning and translation aside, did no-one watch Carte Blanche the other day where the writer of the song said he chose the general De la Rey because the name RHYMED well and was easy to sing? He went on to say that he could have chosen another name but "de Kok" isn't as easy to sing.
I'm not going to get into it but think we need to look at ourselves if something like this has made front page of the New York Times.
It is a sad day when one of 2oceansvibe's angels loses their mind completely. I am sad and happy to report that Britters is undergoing a nervous breakdown. People should have seen it coming when this picture of her wearing a wig (following the hair shaven incident) was released.
Hi, my name is Stable
You see, for me, pictures of chicks like this sends off alarm bells within my brain. If you've started seeing someone and you have a mental picture of them looking like this, get the fuck out of town - she's a mental case. You know the type - hiding in the bushes next to your front door with mascara running down their cheeks. "WHYY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEEEE!!!!!!!". Phone the cops ASAP. Do not try to take them down. You've heard of the superhuman strength that scorned woman develop when they feel they have been wronged.
So that was the lead up, but then Britters lost it completely and went to visit Fenderline. He wouldn't open the front door so she attacked his car and the paparazzi with an umbrella. These pictures remind me of someone that worked for me at one stage. Also not too dissimilar to a football hooligan.
The Liverpool supporters were 'aving none of it!
Britters will never walk alone
You boys feelin' a little tasty? Are ya?
Britney is now on suicide watch at the rehab facility and has already gulped down two full size bottles of painkillers in an attempt to end her life. Shum, dahling!
She is quoted as saying, "‘I'm gonna do this, this is it! I'm through with the whole fucking circus."
"I'm gonna do this!" - Jesus, why does Britters have to get all 'movie' on us!
There is loads more. She even has a Death List of people she wants dead. She has completely and utterly lost the plot and searches her room daily for bugs and listening devices. I couldn't make this up. READ MORE HERE.
This time we receive another piece to the puzzle [permalink]
As much as our every breath depends on the next TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting, it is only now and then that we receive reports which enable us to get a deeper understanding of the myth. A man so deep, so treasured, can never truly be understood. All we get are glimpses....tiny morsels of information that we must try to put together to hopefully decipher the code to which he lives. What does he think? How does he know? And, more importantly, what makes him tick? Today, we receive brief, although deeply satisfying, information about the TBG - before we knew he was the TBG. Some people were aware... even then - Graham M was watching.... and has collected a further nugget of information.
The TBG and Graham M - one of his oldest fans
I was at the same party as your previous TBG sighting, and could not let the opportunity pass me by. You heard about the aura he had at the party, but let me tell you more.
Ever since I was in my late teens, I have wondered who that tall blonde guy is. It was only when I read 2oceansvibe.com that I realised I was not alone. I remember, in about 1996, driving passed a block of flats called Dulwich Green in Newlands, and almost being blinded by a shock of white hair on the side of the road. After regaining control of my car, I saw that it was the TBG laughing and joking with a friend, as he removed his body board from the boot of his Toyota Corolla.
Later I would spot him in Lloyds on a Thursday night (stripper night). There were rows of guys in front of him, craning their necks for a look at that wonderful lady, yet his view was completely unobstructed, as he stood head and shoulders above the rest, a contented grin on his face. Only in my wildest dreams have I come face to face with the man himself. I was a little nervous at first, but his incredible aura put me at ease. He even permitted a photo.
Thank you, TBG, for the memories.
Graham M
Well it doesn't get better than that. Imagine a TBG sighting, 11 years in the making! God has blessed you, Graham.
The one time of the year that YOU give back to 2oceansvibe [permalink]
I'll get straight into it. 2oceansvibe is a 'blog' website and every year we have the Annual SA Blog Awards. Regulars will know that 2oceansvibe has won the best writing, best post and Best Overall Blog site for the last two years. These kind of accolades are the only thing that keeps me going. If I don't win, I will stop writing and you will never smile again. We don't want that, so let's all get together right now and sort this out.
Do me (us) a favour and read the following few paragraphs very carefully. The future of 2oceansvibe depends on it.
There are two stages to this, the Nominations and then the Final Voting. I will call on you again when it is time for final voting. Right now we are dealing with the nominations.
As usual, I will not write another article until I have been informed by the comittee that 2oceansvibe has been nominated for the final voting process. Yes, this is blackmail in a way but, let's face it, you wouldn't give a toss otherwise.
Once you have CAREFULLY read the following, click the link at the bottom to go to the SA Blog Awards 2007 "website" where you will make your nominations. Go to that website (at the bottom of this page - but read the rest of this carefully before you do so) and put 2oceansvibe forward in whatever categories you wish. We STRONGLY suggest you put it forward for Best Overall Blog, Best SA Entertainment Blog, Most Humorous Blog (let's face it - I crack you up), Best Post and Best Writing. For all of these categories, you simply have to put forward the address www.2oceansvibe.com.
For the Best Post category, put in the following www.2oceansvibe.com/mavis-sock-drawer.htm which is the article I wrote about my domestic executive, Mavis - it seemed to get a good response from you lot.
You must put in your actual email address because this year's sophisticated voting system will only count your vote once you click a link in an email that they send you AFTER you put in these nominations.
Christ, are you following this?
YOU MUST NOMINATE AT LEAST THREE DIFFERENT WEBSITES. So I will give you two other websites to mention, so as to legalize your vote. I suggest the following entries. They are both friends of 2oceansvibe.
Best Polital Blog - www.jontyfisher.blogspot.com
Best Overseas SA Blog - www.splattermail.org
So that's it, team. Please let's get together just this once and show planet earth how unique and incredible and amazing the 2oceansvibe community is.
It's all for you, after all.
NOMINATIONS HAVE CLOSED
WE WILL CALL ON YOU AGAIN FOR THE VOTING
THANK YOU, MY ADORING READERS
Of the SKYY vodka John Malkovich competition [permalink]
Some of you may have missed Cape Town's most exciting Wednesday morning competition ever - The SKYY vodka John Malkovich Competition - which launched this morning and closed right now.
For the chance of winning 5 bottles of SKYY vodka, we asked you to send us a picture of John Malkovich, who has been spotted in and around Cape Town. Not three hours later, we received this pic from Malcolm T.
Malko spotted at the "Porti" exchange parlor on Kloof
That is definitely John Malkovich. You can see that it is not someone simply BEING John Malkovich.
Well done, Malcolm T! The angels will be calling you shortly to arrange delivery of your prize.
I don't know why "Malko" is in town, but I'm sure it's to do with something genius.
UPDATE: People are moaning that the same picture was featured on the NEWS24 website and it was taken by someone else. Good investigating but I must remind you that nowhere in the competition rules did it state that the pic had to be an original. Clever Malcolm.
Some of you may have heard that John Malkovich is in town. The Marketer told me that he was spotted on Monday CHILLING at vida e on Cape Town's Kloof Road. You know where vida e is - it's the place where people in the ad industry meet to show each other their "porti's".
So, this is how the competition works. We want a photograph of John Malkovich, visibly in Cape Town and, in return, you will win 5 bottles of SKYY VODKA.
=
It doesn't get easier than that, kids. Sheesh, some of you might even have a pic in your cellphone already. That's how easy it is to get pissed these days.
Just email your pic to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "John Malkovich got me pissed".
The first successful picture will win 5 bottles of SKYY vodka.
God I love the way Ernie Els says doos. [permalink]
You would have read about it in the Sunday papers - the video clip which show Ernie Els "botching" a shot and calling himself a 'doos'. It's pretty funny. It's not incredibly unbelievable - I mean there is a good chance that Ernie uses the word 'doos' from time to time. Granted, it is fun to actually hear him say it - and on live TV. I also enjoy the commentator asking his mate what 'doos' means.
Give me a clip of Nelson Mandela saying "mqundu wakho " and I'll be pretty impressed.
Apologies for there being no Tuesday Tabs yesterday but that's what happens when you have a 24 hour silence in memory of someone - you have to stay silent. Dead silent. As silent as a doornail. As silent as a pillow. As silent as a pavlova. I laughed yesterday - I found it terribly funny imagining a new pavlova car model. How funny would that be. Say this in a serious TV ad voice - THE NEW CHRYSLER PAVLOVA. Hah!
Some might say I'm getting sidetracked. Some may be right. I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. Turn out the lights. Don't try and save me. You may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right.
Two years since Hunter S Thompson blew his head off [permalink]
Hunter S Thompson blew himself away two years ago, today. I take a lot of my own binge writing from Hunter and would certainly call him an "influence". There aren't many influences out there who are renowned for writing when completely hammered and stoned. This will be the only post for today. I am republishing the article I wrote the day after his death, two years ago. Do yourself a favour and download the article at the end which finds Hunter S Thompson writing about George W Bush. In it, he refers to Tony Blair as "that simpering little whore". Classic stuff.
Here it is - 21 February, 2005.
I was pretty shocked when I heard the news of 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' writer, Hunter S Thompson's death today (Monday). It's one of those names that you don't expect to die. Some names come up in the news and the announcement doesn't sound all to crazy. The WAY in which Thomson ended it all (with a gun to the head) made sense though. Thomson was too smart for his own good, a non-norm. He thought WAY too much. We're all familiar with thinking thoughts that we know we shouldn't think. Thoughts to do with why we are here and 'what's it all about' and 'what's the point'. We're all clever enough not to let those thoughts turn into discussions within. ourselves. That's when it gets dark. We know we can't handle it. That's when you start freaking out. That's what Thomson did. He would always go that way.
Hunter S Thompson & Taki. 2oceansvibe kind of people. We've still got Taki though. If you don't know who Taki is, check out the two last months in the archives. I mentioned something about him somewhere there.
During the haze of the Cape Town season, I stumbled upon an article in one of the Cape Town papers. It was ahead of the US election and Thompson was called upon to comment on the situation. A 'state of the nation' from a totally different is basically what it was. It was an interview really. A 4,500 word interview. Cocktails etc. on the beach dragged the article out for me. I read it over a period of three weeks - only on the beach. I had to read it carefully. Hunter S Thompson is too funny. He has seen so much. He knows so much. He backs up his statements and ridicules others without blinking.
The interview began with a request for Thomson's comments on George W Bush. I knew it would be a roller coaster when it began like this:
The first time I noticed George W Bush," Hunter Thompson tells me, "was when he passed out in my bathtub at the Hyatt Regency in Houston. He was with a guy who had come to sell..." Thompson, sitting at his desk in a faded-green dressing-gown, stares down at a plate of untouched food: Danish pastries which were warm half an hour ago, smothered in red jam and melted ice-cream.
"Look, I'm not going to put this next sentence on the record. Let's just say that 'a friend of mine' was buying cocaine. I have friends in Houston from all walks of life. Lawyers. Professional men. Bush was hanging around with this crowd of what you might call gilded coke dilettantes."
Another killer line was :
"I never thought," Thompson says, "that I would ever see a president worse than Richard Nixon. But he is the worst president in American history, this one. Because he is the dumbest. And because he has destroyed, in four years, what it took two centuries to build up. He has taken this country from a prosperous nation at peace to a dead-broke nation at war. We are losing this stupid, fraudulent war in Iraq and every nation in the world despises us, except for a handful of corrupt Brits, like that simpering little whore, Tony Blair."
"Simpering little whore, Tony Blair"
Whaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!! Can you cope with that? The interview was printed in major newspapers across the World. He really didn't care about what he said about anyone. Read the book or see the movie, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", written by Thomson. He used to be commission to write stories. He was sent to Las Vegas and absolutely drowned himself in drink and drugs. His story was hilarious. If you haven't seen or read it, you should.
So that's it, just a toast to Hunter S Thompson. Cheers.
7 minutes of the absurd - David Caruso one-liners [permalink]
I have a couple of friends I discuss this with. Literally a couple - The Surfer and The DJ. I am sure there are more of you out there who find the opening scenes of CSI:Miami nothing short of outrageous. Our ginger hero, Horatio (David Caruso), takes in everything that happened in the opening sequence of the program and proceeds to deliver that episode's opening one-liner - OFTEN putting on or removing his shades as he does so. It's crazy. Just crazy.
Horatio spots something
Clearly not impressed
The Surfer put in a call today to alert me of the pot of gold that has been waiting for us on YouTube. And so, before I waste anymore time, please enjoy this Horatio one-liner fuck fest.
We didn't go to Clifton in the end. Camps Bay was just too pleasant to ignore. Would've been silly not to. I took a quick video just for you. For the people still at their desks in South Africa and to the ex-pats, wherever they are in the UK, US etc. Apologies.
As we enter the beginning of a FABULOUS week [permalink]
Good morning, my sweet friends. What a wonderful start we have to this week. Britney Spears has obviously bought some of Judah's latest stock and has subsequently shaved her pip. Some people are saying it is a cry for help, others say she is fucked in the head. I don't really know the answer, but I am sure she needs a big hug. All I can think of right now is going to gym which will be followed by a session on Clifton.
Yet another finds herself encapsulated [permalink]
The might and reach of this Cape Town phenomenon seems to have no bounds. The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) has, once again, delivered a moment of magic to someone very lucky. Tarryn S tries her best to describe the aura that we keep hearing about.
Does life get any better?
Dear Seth
Wow, I still can’t believe it. I honestly never thought I’d be lucky enough to see the TBG, let alone have him put his arm around me and agree to have a picture taken! I cannot explain to you how being in his presence has changed my life. I always knew that if I was lucky enough to see him it would be a truly unbelievable experience, but words cannot describe the feelings that rushed over me when this picture was taken… even now I still get shivers down my spine just thinking about it!
I was at a friend’s house party last week (I had no idea she even knew the TBG!) and out of the blue the TBG walked in and took a seat right next to me! I actually had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming! I mean can you imagine? First off, the TBG at the same party as me and then he sits down next to me? I had to refill my wine glass just to calm my nerves.
We’ve all read how the TBG “glows”, but I could literally FEEL the warmth radiating from his body, his aura enveloped me and I couldn’t help but grin in awe of this great phenomenon. He was so relaxed and laid back, you could literally SEE how his presence brought an incredible peace and tranquility to the party…
I have to say that meeting the TBG was the single most defining moment of my life!
Thank you TBG for making a difference!
Tarryn S.
Well it simply doesn't get better than that! Shame, look at her face - transfixed on the great man. She is clearly elated. And the TBG! Just look at him! You just don't get any better than the TBG. He is IT! He is everything! You can almost feel the warmth coming out of the picture. I cannot believe that we are alive to experience this.
This goes out to you, my angel. You know who you are. I just wanted to send you this message to let you know that although I don't phone or reply to your text messages, I do still love you. Even when I see you out at night and I ignore you, it doesn't mean I don't love you - Daddy is just busy sometimes and you need to understand that. You know how hard Daddy works.
For you, my angel
It is only at night time in the Safe House, that Daddy realises you aren't there. When Daddy is alone. That's when Daddy cries. Because Daddy is just a little boy inside. Don't forget that.
Well look at this! Jennifer Aniston's tabs from the movie, The Breakup. Nice. Nothing wrong at all. We need to see them side by side with Angelina Jolie's to really get an idea of the change that Brad Pitt has experienced. On the other hand, Jen's face is starting to bore me.
And now for something completely different [permalink]
I don't expect you to understand my playlist for the 14h00 gym session.
1. Boogie 2Nite - Tweet
2. Numb / Encore - Jay-z & Linkin Park
3. Unbelievable - EMF
4. Radio - Robbie Williams
5. Sexual Healing - Ben Harper and The Innocent Criminals
6. Bangkok / One Night in Bangkok - Murray Head (Chess)
7. Life Is a Highway (YES!!!!) - Tom Cochrane
8. This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race - Fall Out Boy (I've claimed this song)
9. Jump - Madonna
10. Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
11. Galvanize - The Chemical Brothers
12. When your heart stops Beating - +44
13. Think Twice - Celine Dion
14. It's All Coming Back to Me Now - Celine Dion
No, I don't know why Celine is there. All I can say is I get very excited in 'Think Twice' when she goes "NO, NO, NO, NO!!!"
In one of this year's funniest stories, Noel Gallagher (yes, it's not Liam this time) has taken a massive swipe at Bono. News24 reports (without any swear-word censoring).
Bono Nightingale
Noel told Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper: "With U2 it's like play One and shut the fuck up about Africa. People don't want to hear about it all the time."
The outspoken Gallagher has also blasted Radiohead front-man Thom Yorke for brow-beating his fans with his political beliefs.
He has urged him to ditch his serious attitude to music and write a 'proper' rock song.
He said: "Thom Yorke sat at a piano singing, 'This is fucked up', for half-an-hour. We all know that, Mr Yorke. Who wants to sing the news? No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed', at the end of the day people will always want to hear him play Creep. Get over it."
I love it! I've always been too cautious to whisper rants about Bono, but it seems we are entering into a free-for-all situation. I'm fucking bored of Bono's vibe as well. I know AT THE VERY END OF THE DAY he is doing the right thing but it's getting nauseating - in a Francois Pienaaresque way. Bono and U2's music is obviously mind-blowing and they are without doubt one of the greatest bands in the world, ever. But I didn't buy my U2 ticket to be lectured about world debt and poverty in Africa. That, combined with constant pics of Bono goofing around with the Pope or the Dalai Lama. Ohh, look, hysterical - Bono put his sunglasses on the Pope! Oh my God, that's so crazy! Oh my God he gave the Dalai Lama a pair of Versace shades. Well done.
I'm talking about this in a rock and roll way. I mean, when did the sex, drugs and rock and roll end? (Probably the day Michael Hutchence died). Seriously, when did rock stars stop being rock stars and start preaching? I remember discussing this once and The UK Show Biz Guy and G-man agreed - it was the first Live Aid concert.
Obviously dedicating one's life to fighting AIDS and curing the word is incredibly noble and honourable and many other words ending in "ble", but I am looking at it from Noel's side - the rock and roll side.
Bob Geldof is another one. In the words of Mark Banks, "he's trying so hard to uplift Africa and fight poverty - why don't you sort yourself out first - LOOK AT YOUSELF - you're a fucking wreck!"
Or maybe I'm just not in the greatest of moods this morning.
UPDATE:
I have received some hilarious replies to this posting, not least of which are the following:
From Susan S: I loved that mail going around about Bono performing at a concert in Edinburgh and he silenced the crowd and started a slow clap... the audience joined in and after about a minute of slow clapping he silenced the crowd and said "every time I clap a child in Africa dies of AIDS" there was silence and a rowdy drunk from the front shouted "well stop fookin clapping then" MWHAHAHAH I love it!
Cape Town's premier music and dance scene guide [permalink]
The February issue of Playground magazine is out and it's hot. The intrepid creators of Cape Town's hottest dance and music guide have put together another saliva-inducing issue. The most amusing part is the fact that they have included the article I wrote the other day on my domestic executive, Mavis. They paid me a large sum of money a few months ago in return for being allowed to randomly publish content from 2oceansvibe. I am amazed they feel a story about the antics of young Mavis is worth the money they paid. She does have quite a large following, mind.
Get it now
The magazine is free, small, and available in various cool spots including vida-e, Vespa cafe, Caprice and a multitude of others. The mag features a gig guide, interviews, articles, photos (this issue has pics from the J&B Met) and everything else you should know.
ex-Playboy Playmate and Guess model collapses [permalink]
I think it's fair to say that we have always watched Anna Nicole Smith with confusion and intrigue. In my mind she is most famous for marrying the 89 year old Billionaire from Texas which, after his death, resulted in a 12 year war between Anna and his son over his money. I remember being quite amused and impressed with the billionaire, Howard Marshall II. I was a teenager at the time and that was probably the exact moment that I realised I had to make heaps of money to ensure a similar retirement gift.
Overall, it's a very sad story which also included Anna losing her son in the last couple of months. A lifetime of substance abuse, excess and hedonistic behaviour was almost certainly a factor that led to her untimely death at the age of 39. A very sad and thought provoking moment.
I think everyone needs to slow down to a gentle roar.
thanks sa
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
8 February, 2007
BIG TIME AIR TIME - ONLINE AND SECURE
Use your credit card to buy pre-paid airtime online [permalink]
These guys have launched a very easy to use website called BIG TIME AIR TIME (www.bigtimeairtime.com or www.bigtimeairtime.co.za) and it allows you to buy airtime for Vodacom, MTN, Cell-C and Telkom prepaid, using your credit card, on the so called "internet"! Genius!
Big Time Airtime - clever
For those of you who have a pre paid cellphone and don't have a credit card, I would advise you to run along to Virgin Money and get one of their credit cards (starting salary is R2,500 a month) ASAP. Once you have that then all of your airtime purchases hassles will be over!
Big Time Air Time requires NO REGISTRATION and consists of a simple 3 step process.
1) Choose your network
2) Choose your voucher size and quantity (eg. 1 X R100 voucher)
3) Enter in your credit card details and cellphone number (which uses Visa's new Verified By Visa and Mastercard Securecode security technology)
The pin code to reload your phone with airtime is sent to you via sms.
Now you can sit on your ass and not worry about having to run down to the shops to get a new voucher!
It's pretty damn useful. VERY useful at night when you simply HAVE to send out one last stalker sms at two in the morning and you run out of airtime - and all the shops are closed - and you INSIST on stalking. Or if a banker gives you the go ahead for a booty call and you don't know the address....... and you run out of airtime......and you can't ask him/her how to get there.
Also very useful for businessmen in town from overseas who don't have the time to find a shop to buy airtime. Also pretty cool for kids who nag their parents for airtime. And, most importantly, it's pretty useful for YOU.
Aren't you glad you found out about this? Is that not why you come to 2oceansvibe? To get useful insight and information? Yes, that is EXACTLY why you come here.
The name Kim Kardashian probably won't ring any bells with you, but you're going to get used to it. So let's practice it together....Kim...Kar....da.....shian. Got it? Good.
Kim is the best friend of Hilts and is about to join the sex tape brigade. That's correct - a tape she made with an American sports star some time ago is about to be released after being purchased for close to $2million. And apparently it includes a shower scene - the golden sort.
Yup, you heard me.
Kim and Hilts, good times
So what we've done here is managed to get you a preview of the wonderful event, which appears to be very professionally put together. In the tape she is referred to as a superstar. Fair enough, I suppose, with guys like those.
Not to be outdone by the fellow with the orange dog in George, the metropolis of Darling has something of it's own to offer. Dee is hosting a 'special' rave party with 10,000 watts of sound and big PRICES in her Leeuloop competition.
Reinvented curly-haired-ugly-kid, Justin Timberlake, has finally got rid of Cameron Diaz and taken a page out of Enrique's book by casting someone in his new music video and subsequently pumping them. Enrique chose Anna Kournikova and Justin chose Scarlett Johansson. Good boy.
The real Justin Timberlake
It's pretty cool when you're a 21 year-old guy and you tell your buddies that you're dating a 30 year-old. The novelty seems to have worn off and JT now finds himself banging a 34 year-old. Yup, it's time for the upgrade. And what a fantastic upgrade he chose.
Good Lord
He decided to feature Scarlett as his love interest in his video "What Goes Around" which is reportedly the reason why cartoon-face and he broke up. They (JT and Scarls) have been seen together since then a number of times and there is no doubt that they are getting it on.
I've put together some clickable pics below so we can see how incredibly well Justin has done. He doesn't get first prize, however - that goes to Benicio Del Toro who pumped Scarlett in an elevator in 2004 when she was 19. This is the reason why you never shake Benicio Del Torro's hand - he gets a high five, every time.
Pictures below include pics of Scarlett and Woody Allen's wife's father, Woody Allen.
The 2007 Penthouse Pet of the Year - Heather Vuur [permalink]
Heather Vuur is not only on fire, but also tipped to be this year's Penthouse Pet of the Year. Wow, what an accolade! Here we see Heather getting ready for a party.
I believe the theme tonight is Pirates of the Caribbean.
Will this do? Sure, why not!
Previously known as Heather Vandeven, you may have seen her in the odd porno. Personally, I don't know much about porn. I mean, what's the point? Anyway, you might enjoy these tasteful shots of the young lady.
Thanks again to Francois Pienaar
for still being around 12 years later
One of our subsidiaries, www.capetown365.com, are looking to hire! Operating from the same offices as 2oceansvibe, the position is for Online villa rentals Operations Manager.
CapeTown365 is the leading online villa rental company on the Atlantic Seaboard and deals with the online booking of 300 - 400 villas. With most of this work being done on the internet with overseas clientele, the lucky candidate will find themselves with more freedom than the average desk job. With views over the Atlantic Ocean and lunches at Caprice - it's not the worst thing to happen to you.
Meeting people and dealing with foreigners over the internet and phone will be a major part of your job. The contacts you will make in this job, locally and abroad, will prove invaluable in the future.
Your view
JOB DESCRIPTION
- Dealing with Enquiries and answering telephones in the office.
- Meeting and Greeting clients on Check-in. (Extra pay on weekends)
- Seeing to the clients on Check-out. (Extra pay on weekends)
- Organizing Cars, Transfers & Directions.
- Making sure payments come in and clients are reminded of their final payments.
- Drawing up Invoices & Contracts for Home Owners and Clients.
- Adding and amending properties to the Company’s Web Site.
- Managing the properties we take care of, cleaning, welcome packs, repairs, etc
- Taking care of and attending to client’s need during your stay.
- Working overtime and weekends when necessary.
- Sorting out and applying solutions to anything that may go wrong during the client’s stay.
- Commitment to the Company’s philosophy of complete customer satisfaction.
Ideal Person:
- Very efficient, calm, well organised person with an easy laid back and warm persona.
- Good with people
Requirements:
- Own Car
- Good computer skills
- 25 to 35 years old. Presentable.
- Good knowledge of Atlantic Seaboard and Cape Town
- Tourism background is a bonus
Package:
R8,000 basic
Commission (7% of nett sales)
Cellphone
Petrol + basic car services
THE POSITION HAS BEEN FILLED THANKS TO THOSE OF WHO WHO APPLIED
A gift from above presented itself on Camps Bay beach [permalink]
I was chilling on Camps Bay beach last week with The Personal Jukebox and The Photographer. In the distance, on the shoreline, we noticed a vision - two Brazilian models playing with a soccer ball. They were obviously in town for the season and, due to their heritage, were prone to mucking about with soccer balls on the beach. They seemed pretty good and definitely had some skills. (I say this to quell any angry people out there who believe the models were doing it for show. No, I say - they were honestly quite good and weren't shy to tackle each other.) I mentioned to our group that we would truly be blessed if they came to play in front of us.
Would you believe it, the wind picked up on the shoreline! Our supermodels picked up their ball and walked towards us. Surely not.
Both models proceeded to draw out lines on the sand in front of us - creating the boundaries for a new soccer game. The God of Models was obviously listening to our prayers. The girls proceeded to play hard, fast, competitive soccer, directly in front of us, for about 15 minutes. We weren't quite sure what the fuck was going on - but we enjoyed it nonetheless. We agreed that, if one were to go to model agencies and marketing companies, it would cost about R30,000 to set something like this up.
Thought you might enjoy these.
Just mucking about
Quietly click these thumbnails below for more pics of our budding football stars. Seriously, go for it! GET IN THERE!
Some of you might remember a report I gave in October last year about the angel who was going to London and couldn't get her working visa etc. I mentioned how I was, at the time, trying to get in her pants and made a call to my mates at 1st Contact in London to sort her out. She was sorted out..... and so was I.
Anyway, there are very often people that I interact with and write about, who have no idea about this website and its readers. The little angel I wrote about, for example, had no idea - hence my being able to write about her. But now, three months later, she seems to have found out about it. I received the following email from her earlier this week.
Hi Seth (or should I say MR EDITOR),
Long time no hear. I just wanted to tell you how things are going in London and also to tell you that I found your website and that story about me! I don't talk THAT much do I? And it wasn't because of your help with my visa that I gave you that "house call" as you put it! Anyway I was very surprised to see that story and then a friend told me that she knew all about your website. So I thought that because you were so helpful to me then maybe I could mention some other stuff that has changed in the visa rules, in case anyone who reads your site wants to come to London.
She babbles on a bit after that (in a nice way, angel) so I'll cut to the chase and give you the info that might be handy to those of you planning to go and work in the UK.
CHANGES TO UK WORK VISAS
There have been changes in the HSMP (Highly Skilled Migrant Programme). There is a new points system and some people who previously qualified won't anymore. And vice versa. Those people who are currently on the HSMP and are required to apply to extend their visa will also have to be reassessed and comply with the new requirements. If you don’t meet the new required points your HSMP visa will not be extended.
The required points have been increased to a new pass mark of 75 and a minimum of a bachelor’s degree qualification is now required. Those without a degree qualification will not be able to meet the pass mark regardless of their earnings. Points can no longer be scored in areas of work experience, partner’s achievements, individual achievements and the General Practitioners priority has also been removed. Additional points are awarded dependent on your age and a mandatory English language requirement has been introduced.
On the surface the new regulations give the impression that the change in points will make it easier to qualify for the scheme, however new applications will be subject to rigorous and more stringent documentation requirements.
1st Contact can do a free no obligation eligibility assessment to see if you meet the required criteria for the HSMP, they can also best advise you of your options if you are one of the unlucky ones to no longer qualify.
1st Contact has also launched a Highly Skilled UK Kickstart Package for those highly skilled people planning on going to the UK. The package includes but is not limited to: Assistance in opening a UK bank account, London Orientation meeting, Free Money Transfer, International Calling Card with £5 credit, Cell phone sim card with number issued before you leave SA, Ltd Company & Visa Consultation and 1st Contact then deposit £50 into the bank account they help you open, considering the cost of this package is R590 at current exchange rates this package is a no brainer for those that qualify.
For more information Contact 1st Contact’s SA office:
Email: saoffice@1stcontact.com
Freecall: 0800 003 163 or visit the website
With a little twist at the end, featuring a yacht [permalink]
If I don't write this now then it just won't be done. As a wordsmith, I lose the excitement to write a "piece" about 72 hours after conception. I came up with an "angle" for Saturday's J&B Met story on Sunday evening. So it's been just under 72 hours since then. The angle was to use the J&B Met story to talk about the Caprice tent, and then, confusingly, show pics from the day Caprice took me on a yacht to Clifton. The yacht pics were never shown on 2oceans because the 72 hour period had lapsed before I had a chance to put them up. So this, is basically a loophole.
Horses, transport or sport?
It was the J&B Met on Saturday. Some of you might know that. I was delivered to the Met in a Chrysler Voyager, by lunatics. The wine-polluted ride there was adventurous, to say the least. For example, the bass from Manny's car's "system" was setting off car alarms on the side of the road. I arrived at the met shaken, not stirred.
(Is that even vaguely funny? Are you finding this story funny? Is it funny at all?).
(Who am I? Why are we here?)
(Was I adopted?)
(Why does my Mother have 1,000 porcelain dolls?)
Oh......kay. So anyway, I pinky-promised myself to never arrive at the J&B Met again in anything that doesn't resemble a helicopter.
The walk to the Caprice tent was a blur for me, as I avoided the various camera crews who, I had heard, had been alerted of my arrival. I was incognito, with shorts and black and silver Havaianas slops with tigers on them.
Setting up camp on the railing next to the Caprice tent bar, I received an sms from Guy at Tiger Tiger, following my request for a guest list that evening.
"With pleasure, Seth, you're down for you plus 17"
I replied: "Thanks, Guy. You rock. Just one extra request please. My buddy and I are in shorts - we are the only two in shorts - can we make a plan"
Guy: "List is fine, but absolutely NO SHORTS ALLOWED" (He actually used capitals).
Me: "I understand COMPLETELY. Could you please arrange for two 32 waist jeans to be at the door when we arrive"
Guy: "Seth, you know I can't do that"
Me: "Why not? Do you have another plan?"
And that was where it ended. We didn't go to Tiger Tiger that night
The Caprice tent was without doubt the place to be. With a full bar on the house, there was a tendency to order vodka-red-bulls from the get go. (I FUCKING HATE "FROM THE GET GO"). Dave had organised the biggest, hottest tent in the picnic area with two full bars, four plasma screens and enough angels to kill a civilian. Amazingly, Gareth Cliff's waistcoat was there, with him inside it. Positioned safely on the railing, we had leg room and direct service from the angels. Someone had arranged a light breeze which, with the stunning shade, felt exactly like air conditioning. Combined with a quiet joint, there was no need to move. I had an audience with Dave, who assured me we would have mist machines next year. I thanked him for constantly playing a DVD of our day on the yacht on the plasma screens, featuring, in slowmo, my 8/10 backward dive off the yacht. You just can't buy that kind of exposure.
Horses ran, some didn't. It would be boring to mention the horse in the main race that lost its rider. I'll leave that to the others. Was that really your highlight at the Met? I doubt I have a specific highlight - the whole day in the Cappers tent was the highlight. God, the angels!
Come to think of it, I suppose there was ONE highlight that stands out for me. I was chatting to The Model who was being harassed by an angel wanting his number. He gave her his phone and told her to put her number in, as he returned to our conversation. Then she said that she wanted his number. Continuing our conversation, with his eyes still on me, he reached out his hand and took the phone back. It was never going to be that simple - she wasn't finished with him. Pulling on his arm like a child begging for a toy gun in Pick n Pay, she said that SHE wanted HIS number.
"Jesus! What?", he asked - putting our conversation on pause.
"I want YOUR number in MY phone", she whinged. "What is your number?"
He looked at her like he was watching a car crash. After a few seconds went by, he tossed her his phone, and said, "Phone your phone with my phone" - and returned to our conversation.
Read that last paragraph again.
PHONE YOUR PHONE WITH MY PHONE!
Let that sink in.
Devastating...
[If you don't understand what just happened back there. Read it again from the highlighted part above that starts "Come to think of it, I suppose there was ONE highlight."]
The after party in the Kreame tent was hilarious and I am happy to report that I left the J&B Met in a good mood - the first time in five years. Dave and co., thank you for spoiling us. Caprice does it well. Always.
(And if they don't give you a ticket, at least try your luck in the tent hosted by Johann Doms, the Don of the Picnic Area. There are no other options.)
And, while we're all busy wanking over each other, thanks ALSO for the afternoon on the Ferretti 761 super yacht (which, second hand, quietly retails at about 25 long. Fine.)
We end off this magnificent J&B Met 2007 "piece" with some pics from the day on the yacht. Thank you all for being here.
Give yourselves a clap.
The Ferretti 761 - fine
This is where we live.
Like, the whole time.
It's probably to do with the "radar"
The personal jukebox, Sox
No parents anywhere to be seen
Still no parents
I think I know a little boy who needs little lie down
Wake-up, Ex Pats! Let's get out of those pee jays [permalink]
It seems our boys, The Dirty Skirts, are swinging their incredible dicks over the ocean and are going on a little tour. Following a launch of their new album, "On a Stellar Bender" (and before they hit New York City and the South by South festival in Austin, Texas), they will arrive in London aboard an air bubble and will be playing a show at a place called 'Industry' on the 6th March.
Finally, you will be able to touch them
The venue is small and the promoters are putting two other bands on the bill, so buying tickets is essential to guarantee entrance.
I would advise you to do this right now. The Skirts have a massive following amongst the ex-pats (and many others) in London and, if you're cool, you'll be there - trust me.
It'll be two weeks to go and you'll hear that everyone else bought and you haven't and you'll look like a tit.
From the treasure trove that is Paris Hilton's garage sale comes these new pics of Hilts on a boat. I must say, she has two wonderful little guys. This Tuesday Tabs comes to you today because yesterday was a day of memory for Mickey Munden. So it's Tuesday Tabs on Wednesday. This is in no way connected to the days of the week mentioned on the note I received from Mavis.
This will be the only post for the day. There is loads to tell about the J&B Met etc. but, in memory of the great Mickey Munden, we will remain silent until tomorrow.
I had the honour of meeting Mickey in my very own office and found him to be cooler than cool and an absolute gentleman. Bless you Mickey.
