British tourist picks up where Yardley left off
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Someone's got to say something about this British tourist who suddenly finds himself in a spot of shit for burning down half of Table Mountain and murdering someone. I think people are just way too accepting of what they read these days. Why do we leave our bullshit detectors turned off when we read the papers the papers? (intentional)

For those of you who didn't notice the Independence Day cloud of smoke engulfing Cape Town this week, there was a fire the size of Connecticut on Table Mountain (see previous article). The fire and/or smoke also killed an old duck who was having a little walkabout on the slopes.

Obviously it's sad that someone died but PLEASE enjoy this quote from The Times newspaper:

"They were walking towards the smoke and the elderly lady lost control. She fell to the ground and caught fire," Senior Superintendent Tummi Golding said.

Thanks for that, Tummi. Good one.

I remember wondering how the fire started and whether or not it was intentional. I have been told about arsonists who atually go out there and start fires and I would imagine that these people can and have been caught in the past. Fires can also obviously start from people flicking lit cigarettes onto the mountain, something which would make catching the culprit verging on impossible.

THIS IS INCORRECT

Amazingly, in Cape Town, our highly skilled mountain rangers actually CAN catch the cigarette-flicking culprits. The papers informed us that a British tourist was seen flicking his cigarette onto the mountain. The witness watched the area where the cigarette was flicked and noticed a fire starting (this CANNOT be instantaneous). He then went over to the fire and tried to put it out. He couldn't put the fire out because it was spreading so fast BUT HE WAS STILL ABLE TO RADIO HIS BUDDY FURTHER DOWN THE MOUNTAIN TO STOP THE CAR! Not just that, but he ALSO gave his buddy the car registration number. Are you fucking kidding me? Unless the fynbos is injected with petrol, I'm finding it very hard to believe that all of this is true (for non-residents, 'fynbos' is the very unpretty local mountain vegetation that we're all meant to be very proud of. Some people cry when it burns. Some even commit suicide. This latest spurt of fires has rendered a number of my friends bullemic.)

I reckon the journalist writing the story has left out a couple of facts, because how the story stands at the moment is pretty unbelievable.

Have a little read over this:

Fiona Kalk, communications manager of the Table Mountain National Park, said the start of the fire was witnessed by a Hoeriekwaggo trail guide, Donovan Lyimo: "He was at the bottom of Platteklip Gorge on Tafelberg Road when he saw a man flick a cigarette from a car window and saw the fire start. Although Donovan tried to put out the fire there was no way he could, because it spread very rapidly.

"The man in the car also saw the fire starting but drove off. Donovan then radioed the registration number of the car to another guide, Noluthando Mathe, who was further down the road. She jumped in front of the car, stopped it and radioed rangers, who arrested the man."

UN BE LIEVABLE!

Does nobody find this story even the slightest bit spicy? I'm sorry but I'm not buying it.

Capetonians are world-renowned spicemasters and I THINK I know a little boy who is no different. Personally, I think Donovan started the fire. I think the fire started when he dropped the crackpipe he was smoking and, in his stoned dwaal, pinned the blame on the first tourist he could see.

It was Donovan. Donovan did it. AND he murdered that poor old lady.

On a final note I will remind you of two other recent bullshit stories we have had in the Cape Town region. Just recently they blamed a "loose bolt" for the Koeberg Nuclear Power Station reactor shutting down, causing a blackout in the Western Cape for five hours. And please, for God's sake, don't forget when planes were unable to land and Cape Town international airport shut down for a couple of days because there was A HOLE IN THE RUNWAY! I very much doubt it. I don't believe a hole was to blame. I think we all know what it really was. You know what it was. We ALL know what it was.

I think you'll find Donovan was lying in the middle of the runway, smoking his crackpipe again.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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