I didn't read the email at first as it was a group email, but knowing it was from Six Figures, I flagged it.
I'm glad I did.
I went back to the email a little later when I found a moment between bouts of love-making with Scandinavian tourist girls.
This is what Six Figures sent in from London:
This is Jerry Collins
His name will come up later in this article
Interesting Saturday morning from hell….picture the scene…
630pm Friday: start drinking snake bites at the slug and lettuce in your suit and a white shirt. Get out at 1am and have a chilli chicken schwarma. Take your tie off from around your head, leave your jacket on a lamp post. Tackle some traffic cones on the way to Crocs. Stay at Crocs until the lights come on and you find out you’ve been pulling into an Aussie nurse in the mens toilets for the last 2 hours. The bouncer pushes you down the stairs when you leave. You don’t respond, he’s lucky you’re in such a good mood. The Aussie’s friends tell you to “fuck off”. OK, so no cab to your place then.
Get home at 345am via a night bus and a mini cab. Make some pot noodles and fall asleep on the floor next to the couch with bbc1 documentary about sex changes blaring on the TV.
Get a call at 7am from an old mate in Devon asking if you want to come along to watch him play rugby at 10am. Dawsons Creek starts at 1030 on TV but you’re drunk and beer at the rugby club is £1.50 a pint so you get a train to the club house. After the first half pint and 20 mins before kick off they realise that the 2nd team openside flanker hasn’t arrived. Someone remembers that he went home with an Essex girl after a team curry and hasn’t answered his phone since Wednesday night.
Your mate asks sheepishly if you wouldn’t mind being a replacement to cover the opensider? But its ok, the 3rd team fullback hates Barnstaple 2nds and wants to play, so he slots into the team ahead of you. You’re just on the Newton Abbott bench. And you’ll still get to watch under a blanket with your third Guiness. You agree and they find a pair of European size 7s womens touch rugby boots in the clubhouse cash register. You finish your pint and strap up, order another pint and go out to the halfway line in a jean pant, pink addidas “blades” and a white button up shirt.
The 3rd team fullback who was moved up to the side of the scrum slams his hand in his car door while trying to turn up “the eye of the tiger” during the team talk in the car park. He’s out.
The prop’s girlfriend who is sharing her blanket with you on the halfway line gets a call on her mobile and you head back to the car park to see what’s going on.
You’re in. Newton Abbott 2nds. Newton Abbott Bulls.
You put down the last mouthful of your Guinness and take a drag on the number 2 jumper’s cigarette. You put on the wingers jersey and shorts. You’re wearing “Snoopy Christmas” silk boxers from the night before and you can see them sticking out below the tight white shorts. Short black work socks and girls’ blades. Finish your pint. Stretch your hammies. No gum guard...it’ll be fine.
Jog out onto the paddock. Feel the mud and instantly think you should have invited the Aussie nurse to come and watch. You feel good and Barnstaple 2nds are about to wish they had never turned up. You wink at the props girlfriend. She’s going to get to witness what no one has talked about since that inter-house semi-final at under16s. You were a light, fleetfooted flyhalf who couldn’t kick but how hard could openside for the 2nds be?
How hard could this be? ……
It’s the seconds right? Barnstaple 2nds? Please!
How hard could this be? ……
Six Figures continued with an extract from a Planet Rugby article bearing the headline, "COLLINS MAKES A SHOCK APPEARANCE."
The extract from the article began:
Jerry Collins shocked Barnstable second XV's opponents by turning up to play for the English pub side in their latest match.
He highlighted and enlarged the text of the following bit:
Thus it was that when Barnstaple's second team trotted onto the pitch against Newton Abbott in England last weekend, the player in the number six shirt was somewhat bulkier and more bleachy of hair than usual.
Collins regularly plays club rugby for Norths in Wellington when he can, and had no hesitation when invited by a friend to play in Devon, weighing in with a try and several trademark tackles in Barnstaple's win.
What a beautiful story! Scroll up again and take another look at the pic of Jerry Collins. Then, if you haven't already, go have a look at Six Figures. He's definitely not "chunky" - I'll say that much..
And lastly, a quick video clip of Jerry Collins saying howzit to Delport a few years back. Just to get an idea of what we're dealing with here. Watch the whole thing - it's worth it.
