As cute cuddly toy bites off woman's nose
[permalink]

I'm sure some might say that this little rant will secure my residence in hell, but something must be said about this NEVERENDING current local story of the woman who had her nose bitten off by a seal. (subsequently published on CNN, Yahoo news and BBC). If you haven't been subjected to the bombardment, a woman SOMEWHERE in the Cape Province was with her daughter and tried to roll a stranded seal into the sea.

Are you listening to me? the woman TRIED TO ROLL THE SEAL INTO THE SEA! With her fucking hands!

(I'm watching IDOLS as I write this story and I must just interrupt this story to say that the IDOLS judge, Mara, is now, offically, the most embarassing South African we have to offer. Mara, you are the worst pain I have ever felt. What is going through your head? What are you doing? Are you on fucking mushrooms?)

Sorry about that. Back to the 'seal woman'. So this woman is clearly in need of some mental help. Normal human beings' natural instinct of self preservation tells them not to come into direct contact with wild animals. I was in Hermanus today and saw a baboon on the side of the road. I had a good look at that baboon. It was so fucking wild it was ridiculous. Now if that baboon was stuck on a rock, do you think I would go and help it get off the rock? No. And neither would you. Do you know why, seal woman? BECAUSE IT'S A WILD ANIMAL, A WILD BABOON! Not Curious George. A WILD baboon! Just as wild as the Cape Fur Seal.

So she obviously saw the seal and thought, "Ag, shame! Look at that poor, cute, cuddly, wuggly, fluffy widdle seal!" She obviously did that, because the proof certainly was in the pudding. Do you know why people don't help wild animals, seal woman? 90% of the people on the planet's answer to that questions will be, "Because they'll bite your fucking nose off". The other 10% are either dead, missing a nose or had to undergo plastic surgery (a la local seal attack victim). What did you expect? Did you expect the wild animal to lick your face like a puppy? It's not a fluffy toy! It's a live wild animal. And do you know what her quote was to the press? It blew me away. She said, "It didn't look like it would bite me." Aaaah, thanks for that. That was just priceless. It's people like you that ensure the rest of us get decent jobs. Let's have a look at something here. I present you with the bear:

A cute fluffy bear.

Look who is standing here! It's cute cuddly Mr. Bear! Mr. Bear looks like he's lost. LET'S WALK RIGHT UP TO MR BEAR AND ASK HIM IF HE NEEDS DIRECTIONS!!!

Tee hee. "Hello, Mr. Bear! Are you looking for direc.....".




 

[HEAD OFF]



 

When the story broke last week, I did the same thing I do every time I read a story that I think is made up - I check the date on the newspaper, to see if it is April 1. It wasn't. This story had actually gone to press. And why is it so amazing that the story went to press? Allow me to illustrate. I cut off the tip of my index finger when I was a kid. I was playing with a pen knife which I managed to get my grubby hands on. I cut it clean off. Somehow they managed to put it back and it healed and sealed perfectly. The newspapers didn't mention a fucking thing. No one knew about it except my family and my class at school. Kids shouldn't play with penknives. Everyone knows that. It's just a fact. Now read my finger tips as I type this:

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CHILD CUTTING OFF A FINGER, AND A WOMAN HAVING HER NOSE BITTEN OFF BY A WILD SEAL.

Humans shouldn't play with live wild seals. Everyone knows that. It's just a fact. Only sharks are allowed to play with seals.

Here we see a shark helping a seal back into the water

Not only did they introduce this ridiculous story to our lives, but the story refuses to go away. Nearly every day we are delivered updates on the story. "She's getting plastic surgery" (No shit). "They're taking skin from her ass or something" (No shit). "The surgery is complete!" (Hooray!) "She is looking forward to seeing the results" (Wank).

I'm over it. I feel sorry for your her, obviously, but it was a stupid fucking thing to do.

UPDATE: The woman now wants to sue the SPCA for not putting warnings on the beach that seals are dangerous. She thought that seals are like whales - needing to be in the water at all times. The seal in question was basking in the sun, having a snooze. I would have also bitten her head off if she came up to me on Clifton and tried to roll me into the water.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]