What is going on in your little head?
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[Warning, due to Seth's mood at the time, this story contains a fair deal of expletives]

About a month or so ago, a friend and I were confused by one of the first cold, wet days. We realised we hadn't programmed ourselves for plan B (winter). Plan B comes along every now and then. There are two kinds of Capetonians:(1) Those who ruin their summer worrying and preaching about the impending doom and when winter finally arrives they're thrown into an apocalyptic fit and get ill and yearn for summer. And, (2) those who look out the window every winter morning to see if they should now, perhaps, wear shorts - or more to the point, should they wear jeans AGAIN! The latter folk are not familiar with the timings of the seasons.

In conjunction with the second kind of Capetonian comes the option of plan B which is, really, a fresh idea to deal with the current 'strange' weather.

[by the way, the seasons don't get capital letters. (More here). And, you can start a sentence with the word 'and' ( More here).]

So it was suddenly cold and wet. We decided the obvious thing would be to go to Franschhoek for the day. We had visions of us tasting wines and flirting with German angels on tour.

Instead we found ourselves watching a Super 14 derby game at a semi-chain bar / restaurant. Hilarious. We accomplished absolutely nothing! Excepting for the fact that we stumbled upon one of the most amazing individuals that one can come across in this diverse nation of ours. He was sitting at the table next to us with two other guys. The white, insecure, loud, mid-20's guy who has mistaken one of God's favourite valleys for a Sandton City cappuccino outlet. I thought I was being punk'd. He was one of those special ones who talk loud enough for the entire room to hear - we certainly could. My friend and I listened, mouths agape, to the bullshit pouring out of the simpleton's revolting mouth. If I may.......

 
"Well, I'll say one thing..........money is bloody cheap at the moment"
 

Oh my God! Are you serious? Who talks like that? Money is 'cheap at the moment'?           Jesus!       Who are you?     Are you a puppet of sorts? Why don't you regurgitate pi for us?

Needless to say the guy was wearing a thin long sleeve polar neck (you could even use the term 'turtle neck' in this case, to improve the story).

(With apologies to Animal)

So anyway, the clown carried on, very much regardless. And then it happened. Well, HE happened. He happened upon the "coffee culture" that has struck our nation. FUCKING COFFEE MADNESS BRU!!!! Fucking get me a LATTE bru! Fucking skim milk, dude! Fucking cappuccino tomorrow morning at 8 and I'll bring my portfolio CHINA!!!!

[We're losing it. Seth needs a moment to compose himself]

Ok. Sorry about that. So, knob-end starts to get into the topic of how addicted he is to coffee. God, that's cool! Fuck, you're interesting! Easily beatable though. I've been throwing up after meals lately. Bulimia beats coffee addiction! I win, A-hole.

Seriously though, the guy launched into it. And then, like magic, he gave us the most amazing pieces of bullshit I have ever witnessed in my life. He said:

"Seriously, it's fucking radical...... I spend about R300 a day on coffee"





[pause]

Shhhhh. Don't say anything yet. Just let it sink in..............R300 a day on coffee.

Take a deep breath. I have.



SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU SPEND R9,000, AFTER-TAX A MONTH ON COFFEE???? YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR, AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, A FUCKING IDIOT!!!! Really, you are SUCH an IDIOT! Who made you? Imagine if your parents were here? They would spit in your eyes. Honestly, what is going on in your little head? I want to work you out. What is going on in there? What is wrong? Were you taken off the breast early? Give me something. Give me ANYTHING!

And please, for God's sake, remove that REVOLTING turtle neck!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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