As Seth escapes the madness
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The Roofer thought it necessary to announce that "fuckall is happening at 2oceansvibe at the moment, hey?," as I headed back from a break with the folks in Franschhoek at La Petit Ferme.

(Stunning, by the way..)

I ummed and arred and declared that there had surely been at least one article every two or three days.

"MORE like every four or five days!" he guffawed. But that wasn't enough for our boy, who was quite clearly on a roll, of sorts. "If I see one more fucken picture of Camps Bay I'm gonna cotch on myself," he went on to say, colourfully.

Good heavens! What EXACTLY were we dealing with?

We will leave that question up to the gods as we publish this NEW picture, NOT of Camps Bay, in this NEW article on the 29th of December 2007, exactly THREE days since the last article (which came three days after the preceding article).

Franschhoek, ladies and gentlemen..

The hotel receptionist insisted on taking the picture

We (the Louis Vuitton tog bag, and I) had a cottage and pool to ourselves, as the Franschhoek valley soothed us with its unique tranquil, yet sexual charm.

Louis - very at home in a rural environment

The winelands rest was well received, and I returned to the Bantry Bay pad before lunchtime today, narrowly escaping being gobbled-up entirely by Victoria Road ('Route Mayhem').

It was after quite some time that I realised I was chewing on the heel of the sofa, like a dog. Trying to make sense of my bizarre behaviour, I realised that the neighbour (in his 60's, overweight, angry) had chosen TODAY to operate incredibly powerful industrial machinery at home. TODAY. December 29, a Saturday, at lunch time..

Surely not?

Even with a previous altercation suggesting hypocrisy in hand, I maturely resisted the urge to knock on his door and deliver my very own version of Tom Cruise's case-closer from A Few Good Men. But I couldn't just STOP the script NOW, without giving it a CHANCE. So I allowed myself further interaction, SHOULD he be OUTSIDE his house during my imminent stroll to Carlucci's and The Pharmacy for a can of Coke and a pack of Calmettes "respectively" (oh very smart!).

Calmettes - friend

The chances were slim.

Keen to give the script half a chance, I rolled a tight one and walked out the door. Destination Carlucci's.

Whaddaya know... THE GUY WAS OUTSIDE, CARRYING A POT PLANT!

I remembered my promise to myself and cleared my throat, delivering the intro to the scene, "Umm, excuse me hi there...."

"YES! how can I help you," he shouted, VERY AWARE that something like this could well occur, following his most recent offloading of shock and awe over Bantry Bay.

"Sorry to bother, I just wanted to ask if perhaps you've recently been operating very powerful machinery in your home?" I glanced at my watch. I was looking good. Very cool.

"Who cares. Why do you ask?" he attacked.

"No, look, it's nothing serious.. I just found it interesting that it was just the other day, this week, that you came outside to this road and scolded me for swearing." (I had been expressing myself to The P.A. in the road a few days earlier as she drove by to show me the busts of my head that required approval before their shipment to The East.)

It was at that exact moment that he realised the enormity of the killer blow I had just delivered. His Godawful wife/whore came to his shoulder during his ensuing verbal BARRAGE.

"I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE WITHIN THE LAW ON MY PROPERTY AND HOW DARE YOU AND THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD AND BY GOD AND NOTHING TO DO WITH FOUL LANGUAGE AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU..." and thisss and thattt.

I remained silent, lit the joint and walked away..

It was so tragic.

It was also the end of the movie.

As the villain, he was a very good supporting actor.

But I had won.

Damnit, WE had won! You and I.

I walked on, looking straight ahead at the beautiful sexual buzz outside Carlucci's, perfectly playing out the final few seconds of the summer blockbuster.

His original fish-wife could be heard shrieking in the background, "Get a life!"

I smiled, looked at you, and winked.


The credits rolled.



Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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