For Moses and the all the animals in the ark [permalink]
When Jesus turned into Moses and did that whole vibe with all the animals on the boat called "Easter" and parted the sea between Clifton Third and Fourth beaches, he probably didn't realise what a big deal we would be making about it today.
So we tried to get Moses on the show and it was quite tricky because a mutual friend of ours, Noah, told us that Moses was pissed off that one of the animals on the boat, a rabbit, had managed to take all the glory. That's fair enough, the Easter Bunny is quite a big deal around here - PARTICULARLY on the Atlantic Seaboard where everyone enjoys a bit of fluff.
So then we tried to get in touch with the Easter Bunny
which led to a very emotional phone call with my mother. Now, I hate to break it you folks out there, but I've been privy to some very sensitive information. And as your more important news source I feel it is my job to break it to you:
The Easter Bunny doesn't fucking exist!
The "Easter Bunny"
(looks like a drawing to me)
I know. I know. This is hard for eveyone..
Come here and give me a hug.
Shhhh. Shhhh. Don't cry.
[I have you tight in my arms now, with your head squashed against my chest as you sob, uncontrollably, shouting out questions as drool and tears flow down your face]
"WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO ANYONE!!!!" you shriek, as I continue to rock you from side to side..
"Shhhh...shhhh....I know.... I know..he didn't do anything to anyone.."
"THEN WHY DID THEY KILL HIIIIMMMM?!?!?!?" you scream hysterically.
"They didn't kill him my baby, he never existed in the first place.."
Your crying dies down as my grip on you loosens. You look up at me. Your face is red and is a complete mess with snot and tears all over the show. I wipe some tears under your eye with my cardigan, careful not to let it get into contact with any snot.
"He never existed?" you ask, sniffing, adorably.
"No my darling. The Easter Bunny is bullshit, my mum just told me on the phone." I continue to rock you back and forth as I kiss you on the head.
"And...and...what about Father Christmas?" you ask, with a worried look in your eye - obviously referring to last Christmas where I dressed up as Santa Claus to keep the dream alive for you.
"Of course he's real, my darling," I whisper. "It's physically impossible to give blow jobs to people that don't exist."
"That's true," you admit, smiling....."
"There there"...I pat your back, still rocking you back and forth.
"AND I swallowed!" your eyes light up.
I press you against the wall.
"Exactly my angel! Then he MUST exist!"
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And so we end off with a beautiful scene from The Breakup where the whole family was celebrating Easter.
ps. I know they weren't celebrating Easter in that clip. But it doesn't matter. No-one gives a fuck.
Oh, and also, sorry about today's show - Telkom have actually let us down and the line that sends out the show is fucked and will only be fixed by this evening.
