The only possible explanation
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The Sunday night movie conversation came up today. We were at La Perla and someone asked, "does anyone know what the MNET and e-TV movies are tonight". It's a standard Sunday question. No-one knew. As usual, I needed to find out IMMEDIATELY. I turned on my phone (to tell the truth, it's more a 'lifestyle' than a 'phone') and went to the TV guide.

I announced to the table that the 20h00 MNET movie tonight was "Kingdom of Heaven" with Orlando Bloom. I don't know what the movie is like because I cannot look directly at Orlando Bloom. The table seemed to share my sentiments and the natural response was, "what is the e-TV 20h00 movie?".

I was engulfed by a wave of nausea as I replied, "Nowhere to Run, with Jean-Claude Van Damme".

Sunday night movie?
Impossible!

Everyone at the table looked at each other like people who have just witnessed a dog being run over. The awkward confusion was punctuated with cries of "what the Fuck" and "are you fucking kidding?".

Now THAT is what I want to know. Is e-TV fucking kidding? Everyone knows that there is a very real Sunday night 20h00 movie war between MNET and e-TV and over the years we have been quietly impressed with e-TV's response to MNET's semi-current blockbusters. Whilst MNET always goes for up to date movies which have recently done fairly well at the cinema, e-TV have relied on clever classics to win the odd Sunday night movie war.

But tonight they give us JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME!

Are you joking, e-TV? What are you fucking talking about? Are you guys smoking crack? Or TIK? You CAN'T make the flagship South African movie slot a Van Damme movie. YOU JUST CAN'T! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU CAN'T. It doesn't take a genius to work out that the BULK of people would be far happier watching an old Bond movie or Top Gun. Van Damme and Siegal do NOT belong in that time slot, they're made for obscure time slots.

Who is in charge of the e-TV Sunday night movie? Someone MUST have said to someone, "and then on 8 October we're going for 'Nowhere to Run' with Jean-Claude Van Damme". Then someone MUST have replied, "fine".

That's the guy I want.

Who at e-TV okayed the Sunday night movie this week?

Just give me a name. PLEASE. I need a name. When I get the name I can start a petition to get the person fired. The job has too much responsibility to be handled by an idiot or a drug addict.

Just grow up, guys.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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