Who don't understand
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I have had the great misfortune of putting my car into the Autotrader and having it displayed at R100,000 below asking price. I was asking R160,000 for my Golf 4 GTi (exec.) (That's right, 'executive')) with 45,000km on the clock. The kind people at Autotrader opened my life up to an orgasm of phone calls from strike-it-lucky wheeler dealers since Thursday, before last (!) at 07.20am as I was exfoliating with my oversized sponge in the bath. It was at that point that I realised I was doomed for at least a full week (until the next Autotrader came out) of phone calls from people trying to land a deal that would make them the toast of THEIR town. Everyone will ask them if it's true. Like the father in the movie 'The Castle', they take pride in getting a deal, they don't give a fuck what they actually bought. This would surely place them in an untouchable category, deeming them 'The Best' at finding bargains.

Although I would usually say "The ad was a mistake, it's not R60,000, it's actually R160,000" as I answered the phone, before they could utter a word - I sometimes humoured myself with a different approach.

Sometimes the phone would ring and I would be in Evil Seth Mode (ESM).

"Hello"

"Hello, How are you?"

"I am fine."

"Ay man... I was just looking through the Autotrader and I checked your car"

"Ummm, yes. The Golf 4 GTi for R60,000?"

"Yes, like I was just wondering, is it still available?"

"No. I sold it an hour ago."

"You sold it an hour ago?"

"Yes. A guy phoned me"

"FOR SIXTY THOUSAND RAND?"

"No, I was really in a rush. The guy offered me R50,000"

"FIFTY THOUSAND RAND! Was there anything wrong with the car?" (Sometimes, at this stage, they would mention something about whether or not the car was a "code three").

"Nothing wrong at all"

"So why did you sell it so cheap?"

"I was just tired of the car and wanted to get rid of it".

"oh"

"Thanks for calling"

"oh"

"bye"

"umm"

"what?"

"No, I just wanted to say it's very cheap!"

"I know, you lost. You missed out by an hour. You were too late"

"Oh"

"BYE!"

"bye"

Is it bad that I would go through EXACTLY THE SAME phone call now and then, just to amuse my mates? I think it's fine. I had to spice up the phone call now and then, to keep me from slitting my throat with a mouse pad. I must have got two to three hundred phone calls. I called Autotrader to explain to them their folly, but I was too late - the second week advertisement had been placed - in the next edition of Autotrader.

That is when Angry Seth Mode (ASM) kicked in. I demanded three (I had paid for two) weeks ad space of the most expensive sized ad in return for the pain I had, and will still, endure. In the States they would have sued for at LEAST $2.38 million for that kind of psychological stress. They accepted the settlement.

So now that we've switched to ASM, it seems a lesson in phone etiquette is the order of the day. I have stumbled upon a very interesting phenomenon, and I don't know if it is the background of the people, the theme of the phonecall or the general simpleness of the people we share this wonderful place called Planet Earth with. But they do something quite remarkable when they call. You probably didn't notice it earlier but don't worry, I'll show you again.

The phone rings...

[tring tring] (I don't normally use 'tring tring', I normally use 'ring ring', but I find it funny when people use 'tring'. A phone doesn't have teeth, how could it POSSIBLY make a 't' sound???? WAKE UP PEOPLE!)

Me: "Hello"

Them: "Hello, How you?"

[at this EXACT point, it takes under 0.1 seconds for ASM to kick in. Listen to my response and realise my point]

"HOW AM I?"

"Yes, how are you?"

"I don't even know you! Without, at the very least, your name, how could you POSSIBLY interact with such familiarity?". (The call is usually silent by now as I have used, what in some cultures could be described as a 'big word', the word 'familiarity'. )

What I was trying to explain to these individuals (and what has now become a lifetime preaching topic for me) is that one should introduce oneself BEFORE one asks the listener how he/she is. You can't ask someone how they are if they don't have the faintest idea of who you are. The first thing everybody wants to know when they pick up the phone is who the fuck they are talking to. If that person wastes time by not introducing themselves, it only makes the listener more agitated. When you ask me how I am, what I REALLY want to say is, "Not well, 'cos I don't know who the FUCK I am talking to!".

The best guy was the guy that hung up on me after he lamented that he didn't appreciate me putting an ad in the Autotrader, only to give him a lesson in social etiquette. He got his friend to phone back from another number two minutes later to ask if the car was available.

And lastly, before I REALLY upset those 'readers' who only come here for the pictures, are the guys that waste time AFTER learning that the car is way over their budget. I don't know why they don't just hang up.

"No there was a mistake, the car is actually R160,000"

"I THOUGHT SO!!!"

"I know, they made a mistake"

"I THOUGHT SO! Because I saw the ad and thought 'now this must be a bloody good bargain'"

"Yes, that's right. It was shown at the wrong price."

"That's funny"

"I know, it's PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY!"

"Ok, but don't be rude now"

"FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF"

I won't be angry anymore. I have preached my anger to the World. No more can the simple people harm me. I have made a sacrifice, on the World Wild Web. I am safe from danger. I can sleep.

ps. the car is still available and only goes into Autotrader on Thursday (at the right price.)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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