..marked 'SEASON' ?
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Camps Bay, Cape Town has officially entered it's "Season". It can only be described as a Muff Show.

I could feel a rumbling under the sidewalk as I ate my 'healthy riser' breakfast at Caprice on Saturday morning. Something was going on. There was a bit of traffic and getting over the road to the beach proved difficult. Yes, it's true, even Lamborghini's and Ferrari's hurt when they hit you. The staff at Caprice came to the rescue and formed a 8-strong human chain over the road blocking the traffic. I was over the road in a flash.

It's a dog show

As I set foot on the beach I noticed that the throbbing hip-hop bass sound reverberating through my soul was not coming from a taxi as I suspected. It was, in fact, coming from a beach 'promotional event'. God knows what they were doing but there was a group of people dressed in the same T-shirts running around. There was also a fellow cheering and shouting ON A MICROPHONE THROUGH AN AMPLIFIER.

On the beach.

On a Saturday.

Are you picturing this?

I proceeded, with caution.

We're dealing with thirty or more people in matching T-shirts playing in a pre-fabricated tournament of sorts. A touch rugby tournament? Volley ball? Wank-a-thon? God knows. All I know is the combination of the fast-paced movement, booming voice over the amp and hip-hop beats is just a bit much for a Saturday morning on the beach. I had no idea that Miami beach had morphed itself into a gigantic pigeon and shat over Camps Bay. I KNOW FOR A FACT that it is just not right for Snoop Doggy Dogg's "What's my Mother Fucking Name" to be played on the beach at full volume. Haven't we got kids around here? The one line that I remember from the song ended with the words:

"Cuz I never hesitate to put a nigga on his back"

Good.

Nice one, guys.

Whoever employed these maniacs should be shot. Aren't there laws about sound levels? I can't remember what the brand was because I got confused with the more than 10 brands that were being celebrated. Brands included fruit juice, sun cream (complete with wierd student freak carrying sun tan cream ruck-suck with a (please enjoy this) PIPE coming out of the back of it leading to a spray gun in his hands. Basically he looked like one of the Ghostbusters), cellphone vouchers, ring tones, sunglasses, new flavours of crisps and more. Obviously there were also the guys who have fashioned wire into all sorts of animal shapes. The tourists still believe the locals actually make it themselves. Wait until they find out about the 10,000 strong army of underage Cambodian children living inside Lions Head who churn out hundreds of wire made dragon flies every day. They are the same kids who make the big wooden giraffes and the fake big-name sunglasses that are flogged along the CB strip. Not a bad working holiday for a 10 year old kid, if you ask me. Get to see a bit of Cape Town and make R20 a month - TAX FREE !

Back to the brands on the beach and the promotional girls and boys. Whoever is in charge of hiring these students, could you please have a good look at the quality. If we have to deal with the little hungover skanks, could you please ensure that they're at least reasonably good looking. I don't mind if you hire rat bags, but you CAN get spunky little rat bags. More of them please.

I was completely finished by the time I was given my 10th freebie. I thought I was, anyway. But I was REALLY finished when two gumboot dancers decided that their performance should take place four meters in front of me. Nice one. Thanks guys. I rolled my eyes towards the sky and noticed a multitude of paragliders coming down from Lions Head. The lineup put Heathrow airport to shame. Season has arrived.

On the shallow topic of the way that people look (but agreeing that sex certainly does sell), I have been told that Blues Restaurant has had a look at themselves and addressed the issue of their incredibly bland looking staff compliment. It took them a while to realise that the success of the previous decade was directly related to the hotness of their staff. Apparently they have a new crop of hot staff. Seeing is believing. Do you guys still do the Cajun-style Norweigen salmon?

Just to the left of Blues is the new Camps Bay bar/nightclub, "Ignite". I attended the opening on Saturday night. The neon sign has a flashing flame in place of the dot on the first 'i' of the name. Ok. I see what you've done. Good. The bar is in place of the old 'Eclipse' nightclub, but is now twice the size. Marc and his team have done a damn good job. Slick service and angel waitresses wearing the latest Dior and Chanel shades are a good start to a club that has been created pretty much specifically for the season. I had an awesome night and will definitely be returning. Another trendy Camps Bay bar is just what the strip needed. Hopefully it will help thin out the mad season crowds at our beloved Caprice. Thank you, Ignite bar in Camps Bay, Cape Town, for coming to the party. In the words of Barry Ronge, "double thumbs up".

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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