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2oceansvibe Columnists
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A Truly Awful First Car
28 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 12 Comments
Every person’s first car must be utterly terrible and must visit all manner of misfortunes and financially painful incidents. This is the way of things. How life should be. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that “thus sayeth the Lord”, because they finished that particular book some 1500 years before Gottlieb Daimler’s horseless carriages. I’m happy then to say that my first car is utterly woeful. [Follow link to read the full column]
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Let Me Introduce You To The Nectar Of The Gods
22 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 13 Comments
Introducing the first of Harry Reginald Haddon’s weekly columns, discussing wine, and the life that flows from it. Enjoy – it is the sort of read that ages well. – As this is the first wine column I am writing here, I thought I would ask the question: why wine? Why dedicate these 600 or […]
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Tiny Homes, Bigger Cars: Why This Curse Of Progress Needs To End
21 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
I am concerned. There’s an alarming trend that I’ve noticed, and it’s all getting a bit out of control. Every new generation of vehicles emerges fatter than the last. I drove a new Opel Astra last month which barely scraped into my garage. An Astra. It’s hardly a monster truck. Yet every new property development I’ve encountered is essentially a maze of shoeboxes. Are we forgetting the ultimate luxury?
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Where Are All The Good Comedians?
21 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 56 Comments
Who told Loyiso Gola that he is funny? I need answers. How did he come to have a comedy TV show, and why is the country putting up with this gigantic farce? People even follow him on Twitter. Why?! What is so appealing about having an alarmingly round face shout inanities at you in caps lock? I’m serious – I need to know. Am I the loony one here? [click link to read column]
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The 2011 Springbok Rugby World Cup Squad – Morrey Picks His Team
20 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 37 Comments
Having reviewed most positions over the last 10 weeks, the time has come to select my Bok squad and starting XV for this year’s Rugby World Cup tournament in New Zealand in September/October. I do not suggest that these are the players I would start in the Tri-Nations – we should consider resting senior players […]
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How To Be A Petrol-Head And Still Get Laid
14 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
Look, I’m no expert here, on either subject, but it’s my job to talk about cars. It’s safe to say I may have bored a few people over the years, so I’ve put together a handy guide to avoiding that. As a car enthusiast, or petrol-head if you must, you will have to talk about the object of your desires with the women you desire. Don’t cock it up.
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Diary Of An Exhausted Arsenal Fan
13 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
It’s been a weird sort of season. How do you reconcile the fact that Arsenal beat Chelsea, Manchester United and Barcelona in the last six months of the season with the fact that in the exact same period they lost to third-rate Bolton Wanderers, Stoke City and Birmingham City? How do we come to terms with both the heady highs and the unrelenting lows, like the crushing defeat to Birmingham in the Carling Cup Final and the astonishing 4-4 draw to Newcastle United which effectively ended our title hopes? What does one say of the beautiful football, the young talent and complete lack of any sort of silverware in the last six seasons?
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Lock And Load – Morrey’s Corner
10 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
Looking at the lock forwards that Peter de Villiers should take to the World Cup is a quick and easy discussion. Victor Matfield and Andries Bekker cover the number five jersey / four-jumper position as arguably the two best lineout options in world rugby, while Bakkies Botha and Dannie Rossouw should be named as your two-jumpers in the four jersey. But what about Juan?
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South Africa’s Green Car Tax: Why You’re Being Screwed
07 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 7 Comments
One of the many perks of writing is the freedom to grace an article with the headline it deserves. Many media outlets have covered this story, but nobody has called it what it is. Every single one of us who buys a new car in South Africa today is being screwed. It’s called a Green […]
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Pub Quizzes Can Sod Off
06 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 8 Comments
Fuck pub quizzes and all who go to them. I’ve been holding on to that thought for as long as I have been in Johannesburg, which is as long as the Barclays Premier League season of 2010-2011 has run. And now that the season is over, I feel the need to tell pub quiz enthusiasts where to get off.
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The Hairy-Chested Man’s Car
01 Jun 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
The moment was like that of a bedraggled and thirsty bandito stumbling across a well in the middle of the Mexican desert. Or Henry Stanley finally finding Dr. David Livingstone. It was catharsis. It was all I could do to stop myself from sinking to my feet and sobbing gently, right there on the sidewalk of 14th Street. I was standing in front of a bona-fide, American issue 2010 Chevy Camaro SS. Click link for rest of article.
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Why You Need To Watch Formula One Again
31 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 7 Comments
In my humble opinion, Formula One is a sport unparalleled in prestige, tradition, wealth, gamesmanship, sportsmanship and simple, old fashioned bravado. Sure, it’s had its low moments over the years, but name me a sport which hasn’t. The thing is, all this doesn’t automatically mean good entertainment. However in 2011, they really have got it right. Here’s why.
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Bringing Up The Rear
26 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
Having covered off flyhalves and loose forwards thus far over the past weeks, Morrey continues to select his Bok world cup squad, position by position. This week’s selection focuses on the back three – best done as a unit as some players can oscillate between wing and fullback.
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Gran Touring Like A Boss: We Drive The New BMW 650i Convertible
25 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
A car launch is a wonderful thing, and I do my utmost to appreciate every aspect of it. The flights, the airport lounges, the car itself, the expensive hotel, the expensive food, and then all of that repeated on day two. And every now and then a manufacturer will just fire the accountant and go nuts. Which, I imagine, is exactly what I’ve just experienced on the national launch of the BMW 6-Series Convertible.
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If Africa Was Unoccupied…
23 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 4 Comments
In my Grade Eight IsiZulu class, our set book was a novel set in the early 1800s. It was a fictionalised account of what the Iron Age existence of a tribe living in KwaZulu Natal would have been like – before the white man arrived in his ships; even before Shaka Zulu’s fearsome warriors began their raiding expeditions. It was a well-written book and within its pages I was transported back to those simple years when the greatest challenge of the day was finding a cave where iron ore could be mined from. But the book was horribly flawed in one respect. Click link for more..
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Big Heads, Little Heads, And The Merits Of Wanking
20 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Both Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Arnold Schwarzenegger are the latest in a long line of high profile men who have allowed the smaller of their two heads to gain the upper hand when making crucial decisions. Their fall is especially tragic when one considers the elegance of a simple solution. [Click link for more]
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Not Good Enough – It’s As Simple As Asking The Correct Question
16 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 11 Comments
Surely if you were paid to act as the TV match official to assist a referee controlling a rugby game, you would pride yourself on your capacity to communicate. You don’t have to run anywhere; you don’t have to blow anything and you don’t even have to get out of your pyjamas for the Lord’s sake. All you need do is watch the game and share an opinion if asked. Easier money than a Bangkok rub ‘n tug parlour operator. Click for more.
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When A Bad Album Review Really Doesn’t Matter
16 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
It must have been on 29 April or thereabouts and I had decided to see what was happening in town with a friend of mine. Thinking that it was dubstep night, I suggested to my friend that we should go to Kitchener’s Carvery Bar in Braamfontein. We arrived there at around 23h00, only to discover that no, it wasn’t dubstep night, but rather live band night. Not to worry, I thought, it would take a really bad band to ruin Kitchener’s on any night.
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Pondering The Stormers
13 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 4 Comments
What made the Stormers loss to the Crusaders at Newlands on Saturday most disappointing was the fact that the Cape Town boys played most of the rugby. And in the second half we had two golden opportunities to win the game but were let down by the little things. Click link for more.
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Strength Of Will And The World’s Strongest Man
09 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Has the human species made any noticeable progress since that first unknown person picked up a sharp instrument and made a mark on a rock? Are we any better than our barbaric ancestors? Are the iPad, satellite television and fuel-injected engines signs that we can rightfully look back with conceit at the gloomy depths from whence we came? By what measure should we gauge our history and achievements? What should our flagpole be?
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The New Super Rugby Format – Do You See The Value?
05 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
I’ve been asked twenty times in the past month to explain the format of the Super Rugby knock out phases. It requires a PhD to fully understand. I first encountered it in Australian club rugby when I coached at Eastern Suburbs some eight years ago. This is the format they play under. It’s more egalitarian, and a fair go for more teams, mate. Typical Aussies. And let me tell you, we’ve been spared the full version (à la rugby league) where eight teams reach the “finals”, as they call it. And some teams get to lose a knock out fixture and continue on – go figure. Click for more..
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Grow Up, Children
04 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
May 18 is coming up, which is a relief given that by that date South Africans will have endured 11 days of unbroken work without a public holiday. When is the ANC going to realize that if they want to keep the 25% unemployed happy, we need more holidays, not fewer. How are these people that have been failed so spectacularly by the government supposed to feel part of society when the rest of us are out working?
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Curio-Shop Afro-Motif Music: Who Will Rid Us Of This Sad Sight?
02 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 6 Comments
To get to my mother’s desk I had to walk through a curio shop. It was one of those dreadfully cheesy African curio shops, with the carved wooden and stone animals, the beads and the bowls, like you find at any South African airport, the Moyo restaurants and the Durban beachfront. I have that exact same feeling (as if I’m back in that curio shop) when I come across certain music videos made by South African bands. What is with this new trend with our bands who think that by merely smearing white face paint across their videos it will make them mysterious and exotic?
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Utter Bull
28 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
While I hate to be negative about sportsmen who are much more talented than I ever was, and try their hardest to perform well, I have to make an exception this week. The Bull’s second half performance on Saturday against a very average Western Force outfit was planlose* to say the least. Worst of all, […]
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God Save The King
28 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Prince William seems like a decent bloke. Genetically though, he’s been dealt a difficult hand by life, in all her ruthless vagary. His father, Prince Charles – on the occasion of his painful press conference to mark his engagement to the fragrant, dim-witted, but virginal Lady Diana Spencer – so infamously replied to the question […]
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Malema Vs AfriForum/TAU: Counting The Cost
25 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 10 Comments
It was at 02h33 just this morning when Dead American Writers cut through my sleep. I reached out to grab my ringing cellphone, my senses still dulled and drugged by the heavy slumber I had been so rudely pulled out of. Who the hell would call me at that hour? Was it my colleagues, about to breathlessly announce that we need a story chop-chop? Were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse upon us? Had Nelson Mandela finally passed on?
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At Sixes And Sevens About Our Eight
22 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
Against a backdrop of a 51 man Springbok squad named by the Bok selectors this week, Morrey assesses options at loose forwar,d with a trophy to defend in September.
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Stop The Pigeon
20 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
For reasons that need not detain us, one day last week I found myself in the early hours of the morning watching the Hanna-Barbera cartoon “Stop the Pigeon”. If you ever feel that your mind is slightly out of synch with the rest of the world’s, and that perhaps you should visit a good nerve […]
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Forget Pretoria, The Worst Place To Race A Car In This Country
18 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Terrible things happen in Pretoria. Three people were killed when their drag race went horribly wrong on Voortrekker Road on 3 April. But that doesn’t mean that it’s anywhere near the best place to die in a car crash in this country.
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For Pete’s Sake – Your’s And Mine
14 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 13 Comments
I’ve been talking to rugby people for the past seven weeks and the amount of anti-Peter De Villiers talk is very concerning. What do you want from the man? In the build up to the world cup I think we should put a ban on all “Snor” bashing.
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