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FASHION ALERT: CHINA SUFFERS BOEP-FLASHING PLAGUE
01 Sep 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
China is suffering under the weight of a societal malaise. And this time it’s not due to the influence of the Great Western Devil. In the sweltering heat of summer, when the refreshing breezes desert the city, Hu Lianqun absent-mindedly reaches for a solution: He rolls up his shirt to expose his belly, often fanning […]
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TEN TIPS FOR THE CHILEAN MINERS
01 Sep 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
It’s Spring Day. Wonderful, isn’t it? Sure, depending on where you are in the Southern Hemisphere, the weather might not be very Spring-like. But such is life, and the meteorological musings of our planet. The good news is that the days are getting longer, the sun is shining more regularly, animals are copulating left, right […]
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SEVERING CRIMINAL SPINAL CORDS – DU JOUR IN SA
25 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
And when I say “SA”, I mean Saudi Arabia. Of course, I couldn’t possibly be talking about the South Africa “SA”. We don’t sever the spinal cords of our criminals. We send them to cooking school. But enough of such tom foolery. Where were we? Ah yes. Corporal punishment. You see, they’re quite keen on […]
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TWO FILMS YOU NEVER EXPECTED TO BE MADE
23 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 6 Comments
Word is afoot that a film version of my all time favourite childhood comic, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is in the works, with the writers of the Iron Man franchise on the case. Although, whether this film will work for the generation that actually cared about the comic remains to be seen. After all, […]
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EXXON MOBIL OIL – SUBTLE ADVERTISING MUCH?
20 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
Exxon Mobil positions it’s brand at the vanguard of innovating clean energy for the world. It has a clean, 21st century look. The employees on it’s corporate advertising posters are friendly, sharply dressed, multi-ethnic. It produces print advertisements in National Geographic like this: And they like to chat quite a bit about water on their […]
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TOP GEAR USA: NOT RIGHT
10 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 6 Comments
If the original Top Gear is sex, then Top Gear USA is sex with a dead person. Mechanically speaking, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s wrong, and you should never, ever do it, and society will hate you for it, and you’ll always be remembered as the guy who took something fundamentally awesome and […]
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SO IT’S NICE TO KNOW WE’RE NOT LIVING IN A POLICE STATE
06 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 7 Comments
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of the latest example of South African Police Service Force overkill. Journalist Mzilikazi wa Afrika was arrested for a yet-to-be-defined offense rather uncomfortably soon after the same journalist leveled serious corruption allegations against Police Brigadier General His Worship The Most Reverend Doctor His Honour Bheki Cele. Read on for […]
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WOMAN’S LIFE ENDS IN PERFECT CRESCENDO OF IRONY
05 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Some of our parliamentary readers will be aware that yesterday the South African parliament was the scene of a death for the the first time since the the 1966 assassination of one Hendrik Verwoerd, esq. Louisa Phumela Zama, 27, was one of three people in a delegation representing a KwaZulu-Natal Reserve Force unit, the Durban […]
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GORDON EFFING RAMSAY IS GETTING EFFING LITIGATED
05 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
So we wrote recently about Gordon Ramsay making an ever so slightly unceremonious exit from Cape Town, and specifically, the One & Only hotel. Needless to say, The Big Bad Potty Mouth and his cronies are slightly upset about this. I mean, it must leave a little bit of a sting to be tossed out […]
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THE NEW UFS INITIATION VIDEO: OH THE HUMANITY!
03 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
The outrage! The utter outrage! This is an absolute abhoration. I am totally appalled. I don’t even have the words. This is the second initiation video to surface from South Africa’s most infamous university – the University of the Free State. You have to watch this.
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GORDON RAMSAY’S EFFING RESTAUARANT, MAZE, SHUTS THE EFF DOWN IN CAPE TOWN
02 Aug 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 10 Comments
When Sol Kerzner enlisted the expertise of the man who is arguably the world’s most popular chef, Gordon Ramsay, he would have felt confident that the star food aspect of his monstrous V&A Waterfront hotel, the One and Only, was buttoned tight. Gordon Effin’ Ramsay opened the five star Maze restaurant at the hotel, but […]
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STEVEN SPIELBERG AND HIS DINOSAUR CRONIES LIED TO US
30 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
So it turns out that most of what we know about dinosaurs is lies. ALL LIES. And Steven Spielberg seduced us with deception in the greatest movie of all time, Jurassic Park. If you’re not keen on having your childhood memories of triceratops and all his mates shattered, then don’t read on. If you value […]
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GLENN AGLIOTTI – INCOMPETENCE STICKS TO HIM LIKE CRAP TO A SHOE
29 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 5 Comments
The Brett Kebble trial has been roaming the news cycle lately, in case you didn’t know. Incidentally, if you didn’t know, you should probably plug in to the world. It’s quite kiff here. Don’t delude yourself, you’re not a reclusive oil painter, or a brilliant poet laureate wallowing in a malaise of red wine, cheap […]
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KALK BAY FISHERFOLK – BEWARE THE LURKING DANGER
28 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
About three hours ago a Kalk Bay fishermen walked into the e.tv Studios foyer off Kloof Street, and demanded to see the News Editor of e.tv. Surprisingly, the arb fisherman was denied access to the ed by security. And then…And then he lost his temper.
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PIGEONS – PERHAPS OUR ANSWER TO IDOLS JUDGES
26 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
So, some of you may have noticed, some of you not, that the sixth South African season of the least-successfully exported show of all time, Idols, has crawled it’s tawdry way on to our television screens. You have to give it to the Idols producers. They must be rimming someone with a corner office at […]
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THE NEW AGE – NOT THE HIPPY KIND
23 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
You ever heard a blogger say, “You want impartiality? Read a newspaper”? Ja, well, if you want impartiality, don’t read a newspaper. At least, don’t read the New Age newspaper. What’s that? You haven’t heard of the New Age newspaper? No, that’s quite alright. You’re not expected to know about it. They themselves confess that […]
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CEVICHE A LA JOHANNESBURG
22 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
If you have a taste for sushi and other good food, and you haven’t tried ceviche, you simply must. Ceviche, for those of you who are uninformed, is a dish of unknown hispanic origin comprised of thinly sliced raw white fish, which is subsequently “cooked” in a thin bath of lemon juice, or a similar […]
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WHY, AB, WHY?
21 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 12 Comments
You know AB De Villiers, the South African cricket team’s star batsman? Well, he’s singing now – the recorded kind. And, best of all, he’s making music videos for his moer lekker treffers. In his powerful ballad, titled Maak Jou Drome Waar (“Make Your Dreams Come True), AB teams up with previously obscure but presumably […]
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THE REAL DERELICTE
20 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
There is a particularly handsome homeless man in China. And people are FREAKING OUT about it. Web forum locals in China have dubbed the sultry street walker “Brother Sharp”, apparently with reference to his hauntingly good looks and snappy avant garde dressing style. Mmm, yes. Those homeless bastards sure do know how to trump us […]
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SHOCKING NEWS – THE SABC EMPLOYS CONMEN
19 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
I hope by now that you’re all well versed in sarcasm, and you’ll take the first part of that headline appropriately. Here’s the scoop: Convicted fraudster and conman extraordinaire, Tsepang Morie, managed to hoodwink the entire Springbok rugby team and management by posing as the head of the team’s security detail ahead of their first […]
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THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SKINTONE
14 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Vaseline is taking capitalising on social pressures to a wonderfully tech-savvy level. They’ve launched a Facebook app for a range of skin lightening cream due to be released next month in India. The page name for the app is “Vaseline Men BE PREPARED“, and incites YOU to “Transform Your Face on Facebook With Vaseline Men” […]
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DEATHSWITCH – BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EMAIL WHEN YOU’RE DEAD
14 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Morning, kids. Are you ready for some delightfully cheery death chat? The “what happens to my online presence when I die” question has been haunting our minds in recent months, ever since the story broke about Facebook suggesting people “reconnect” or “share the latest news” with a deceased friend. Epic failure. Think about it. Twitter, […]
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MEL GIBSON – PART 3 – IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT
14 Jul 2010 by Seth Rotherham / 2 Comments
Are you getting tired of this yet? I am. In fact, it’s downright sad. I used to be such a massive fan of Mel Gibson, and now this? Radar Online have now released a third installment of “The Mel Gibson Tapes.” These are now available to you for your listening pleasure horror. Mel Gibson – […]
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THE SECOND MEL GIBSON TAPE
13 Jul 2010 by Seth Rotherham / 1 Comment
This is turning into a bit of a series, as the second audio tape has now been released by Radar Online. If you missed the first one, where Mel Gibson calls the mother of his child a “whore” and says she looks like a “bitch on heat” and says that she will get “raped by […]
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LIFE AFTER THE WORLD CUP – THE CHICKEN AND THE POTHOLE
13 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Doctors are calling the syndrome LAWC, or Life After World Cup. Symptoms include being productive at work, not watching SABC, and facing up to the fact that there are still crippling pot holes on most of Johannesburg’s roads. And on that note, this article makes for eleven-herbs-and-spices kind of reading, if you know what I […]
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IRISH KUNG FU IS STRONG
07 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
When you think “Irish movie”, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? You think dreary coastlines, people with a strange affinity for potatoes, seaweed and fish (usually together in a pie), the IRA and The Cranberries. At a push, you might be thinking Gerard Butler and posthumous love letters (why, Gerard, why?). But […]
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SO THE TRAFFIC’S BAD? BUY A CHOPPER, FOOL
05 Jul 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
In the most stunningly apathetic move since Marie Antoinette told the dirty kids to shove off and eat their cake, Moscow’s regional governor suggested that residents should buy a helicopter if they’re suffering with road traffic congestion. “I fly in a helicopter. (You) should also buy helicopters instead of cars – then you do not […]
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LIONS AND LIGERS AND BEARS – OH MY!
30 Jun 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
This has been in the news cycle for about a week now, so it’s not exactly hot off the press stuff. Nevertheless, I thought you ought to know that a restaurant in Arizona is GRINDING UP OUR EFFING LIONS FOR BURGER MEAT. Didn’t any of those cruel bastards watch the lion king? I’m not feeling […]
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MAYBE SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
24 Jun 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
A lot of people have had their hearts broken in this world. What’s your tale? Maybe it’s the guy in your office, he’s perfect, and you’re invisible. Maybe your wife wakes up after 30 years of blissful marriage and tells you that from here on in, her name is Gerald. Or maybe you walked in […]
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MICKEY MOUSE WAS A COCAINE DON
23 Jun 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
Wow. You know when an entire society grows up with a certain ultra-influential cartoon character, and that cartoon character subtly peddles cocaine to other cartoon characters, and then suddenly in the 1970s, when all the guys and girls who grew up with that character become the first generation to vigorously export cocaine around the world? […]
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