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Mind Fuck
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Apple Approves Sugar-Daddy App
17 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
Wow. Alright. Apple gave the the green light to a mobile app that promises to connect rich old dudes with young women. Sugar daddies with gold diggers. Seriously. They call themselves SugarSugar, “the world’s most effective and discreet place for finding Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby relationships.”
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Scrabble Adds ‘Grrl’ To Scrabble Dictionary
10 May 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
And now I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Around 3,000 words have been added this year in the “most comprehensive Scrabble wordlist ever produced,” which I would be more upset about if most of my Scrabble games didn’t end in tears and fire. Also included: ‘innit,’ ‘thang,’ ‘fansite,’ and ‘Facebook.’
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Paseka Motsoeneng, The Biscuit Pastor
26 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 179 Comments
Two Sunday World journalists reported on Sunday that they saw a church leader, and self-styled prophet, Paseka Motsoeneng, insert his fingers into the vaginas of two female congregants as part of a ritual he performed to expel the demons that had allegedly possessed their “biscuits”. The pastor also has a television show on Soweto TV on DSTV channel 150.
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France Introduces Burqa Ban Today – Ban Defied
11 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
The controversial law banning full-face veils came into effect today in France, home to Europe’s largest Muslim population. Public wearing of niqabs or burqas is now liable for a fine of 150 euros and a citizenship course; people charged with forcing women to wear full-face veils may be subject to jail time.
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BP To Resume Drilling In The Gulf of Mexico
05 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Hoo. BP’s planning on restarting deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico on 10 wells this summer; U.S. regulators seem to be giving it the go-ahead in exchange for tougher safety rules. In unrelated news, President Obama promised last week to cut U.S. oil imports by 33%
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Scared Of Heights? Take This Pill
05 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
It’s safe to say that tests are still in their early stages but it’s also safe to say that scientists are quite a bit closer to helping people overcome their fear of heights. They have discovered that by giving people a tablet of the stress hormone cortisol, they can help reduce their phobia.
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Fake Weed Gets Naval Academy Student Expelled
04 Apr 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
It seems this is a common problem that the US Naval Academy faces. Another midshipman was expelled from the force for using or having a banned weed-like substance known as “spice”. No spice. This brings the total number of expulsions to 12.
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Spotted: The Golliwog Alive And Well In Tygervalley
31 Mar 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 8 Comments
I know it is the northern suburbs, behind the boerewors curtain, and all that. But wrong is still wrong. The picture to my left is part of an actual logo for a toyshop in Tygervalley Shopping Centre. Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you – that is an actual Golliwog you are looking at.
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Tanzanian Shaman Takes Break, 26km Queue Too Long
30 Mar 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 2 Comments
The Tanzanian “miracle” pastor, Reverend Ambilikile “Babu” Mwasapile has called for a break. He has temporarily asked people to stop going to his remote home for a “miracle cure” after thousands flocked there, resulting in chaos in the surrounding area.
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This Danish Professor Has A Robot Clone, For Some Reason
07 Mar 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
I mean don’t get me wrong, I’d want a robot clone too, it’s just not totally clear why Henrik Scharfe, professor at Aalborg University, actually got one assembled by the Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute in Japan. It’s ostensibly the first android with a beard, though, so yay science.
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Mind-Controlled Cars: There Is No Way That This Doesn’t End Badly
03 Mar 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
German research facility BrainDriver has put together a kit that lets people make rudimentary driving commands with their brains – you know, without using their hands. I have serious concerns about how this system deals with those brief suicidal thoughts that tend to pop up when knee-deep in traffic on the 9/5 commute.
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The Facebook Breakup Notifier: It Stalks Crushes For You!
22 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Man, when was the last time a Facebook App was actually useful? I mean, Facebook is inherently a timesink, and this app isn’t so much useful as it is creepy, but semantics. The Breakup Notifier does what is says on the tin – it lets you know the second your crush isn’t in a relationship anymore.
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Japanese Space Agency Wants To Send Sexy Robot Into Space. For ‘Comfort.’
18 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Ha! Yes. The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA), is looking at plans to send a humanoid robot to the International Space Station. Except by humanoid I mean it will look attempt to look sexy but end up being insanely creepy. Also, it’s going to post photos and text to Twitter.
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“Force Field” Insect Repellent Myth Solved
15 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
As you’re all well aware by now, it’s just not our prerogative here at 2oceansvibe to support brands that don’t follow the ethics and values that we uphold. Once again something unnecessary has been brought to our attention that we need to tell you about – “force field” insect repelling plugs for your home or flat.
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We Live In The Future: Church Okays iPhone Confession App
09 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Huh. Well, alright. UK church officials have given the holy thumbs up to ‘Confession: A Roman Catholic App,’ which walks users through sacrament, having them admit their wrongdoings – and keep track of their sins. Please keep your comments until the end of the lecture, though, because this baby costs $1.99
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Man With 48-point I.Q. Banned From Having Sex
08 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Huh. Well this just opens up a whole can of worms, doesn’t it? Sexy, mentally handicapped worms. A High Court judge ruled that ‘Alan,’ who’d been in a relationship with another fellow, lacks “the capacity to consent to and engage in sexual relations.” Choose your own punchline – there are so many.
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Some Finnish Dudes Have Abducted A Ronald McDonald Statue.
04 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 4 Comments
Wow. I’m not sure what the appropriate response is here. Finnish folk referring to themselves as the ‘Food Liberation Army’ have ‘kidnapped’ a statue of Ronald McDonald, and are threatening to execute within a week if their questions concerning the quality of McDonald’s food production are not answered.
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Someone Is Selling ‘Thera-Putic Herbal Weed’ On The M63
03 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 3 Comments
My god, but I love this town. An entirely trustworthy-looking cardboard sign appeared on the M63 over the weekend, advertising ‘THERAPutic Herbal Weed’ which I haven’t called because chances are that the entirely whimsical sign will be made weird and uncomfortable by calling that number.
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Shinmoedake: Yeah, But Eyjafjallajökull Did It First
01 Feb 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Hey, remember the whole thunder/ice/volcano scenario in Iceland that cancelled a couple of European flights? Well a similar sort of deal went down in Japan on Sunday, between the Kagoshima and Miyazaki prefectures. Insert your own joke about Japan copying the west. Awesome photos follow.
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So Hey, They’re Remaking ‘Annie’ With Will Smith’s Daughter
28 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
I can only assume that Will Smith is doing this to punish me for not watching Hitch. I mean, he remade The Karate Kid with his son as the lead, which was fine (awful) except for the part where there was no karate. And now he’s remaking Annie, with Jay-Z’s help. Look out for the ‘Hard Knock Life’ rap.
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Clifton Shores: How The World Ended
27 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Whoof. So they’ve recently released the promo for Clifton Shores, a show about “an American cast coming to live and work in Cape Town where we follow them seeing how interesting their lives get.” So far as I can tell, this is an attempt at placing the Jersey Shore in Cape Town, and it is The Worst Thing.
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1950’s Housewives Tripping On Acid: What Youtube Was Invented For
19 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / 1 Comment
Some fantastic footage has recently come to light, showing a 1956 housewife on her first acid trip as part of a drug trial. We all know how stupid people sound when trying to describe their trips – and throw in some 50’s black and white sensibility? Hilarious. She can see all of the molecules, apparently.
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Badvertising: Insanely Inappropriate MLK Day Sale.
18 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
So tomorrow’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday! Which is kind of a holiday now. And stores like to celebrate that kind of thing with sales and stuff, because that’s what the King was all about, right? Right. Which is why it is totally sensible for Thalia Surf Shop in Laguna to take 20% off all of it’s black products.
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Our Dear Leader’s Sister Invented The Hamburger
17 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
So! Pretend we’re having that bit of dialogue from Pulp Fiction where we talk about Burger King burgers being called ‘royale’ in France, except we’re talking about North Korea, and they call them “minced meat and bread,” to avoid referring to the uniquely American hamburger. Also, this is a new thing.
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‘Superhero’ In Seattle Gets Nose Broken. What?
12 Jan 2011 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
So. ‘Phoenix Jones,’ some dude in Seattle who wears a cape/mask outfit and stops crime with a stun gun and fists got his nose broken over the weekend after trying to stop a night-time brawl. Surprise! Local police have advised Jones and the rest of his super-team (‘Red Dragon’ & ‘Buster Joe’) to stop getting involved in dangerous situations.
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Last Minute Shopping: Baby In A Box
24 Dec 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Toys R Us have taken to selling babies in boxes. We’re uncertain how long this horror has been going on for, or how much longer we can expect the youth of our society to suffer such visual carnage.
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Bare-Chested Acrobats Give The Pope A Private Show
16 Dec 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Well, it’s not like they had them explode from a cake and huskily sing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. Jesus,’ but this comes pretty close. But hey, good thing they don’t allow gay folk to become Popes, right? Otherwise that creepy look on his face would be pretty hard to explain away.
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Hide Your Kids, Hide Your…Presents? [VIDEO]
15 Dec 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
Well done, Internet. This thing has come more or less full circle – please, enjoy singers from Liberty University in Virginia performing a Chrismas carolified version of the ‘Bed Intruder Song’ that autotuned its way into your hearts so many months ago.
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Brendan Venter Is A Genius
13 Dec 2010 by Jasmine Stone / 10 Comments
This is teetering on a hellish crossroads of genius, insanity, chemically-altered states of being, and too many concussions in the space of one life time. Brendan, what are you doing? What’s your secret? How? Why? As you’ll see from this video, these are all very good questions. Very good, very good, good questions.
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Tommy Lee Demands SeaWorld Stop ‘Interfering’ With Killer Whales Using Cow Parts
10 Dec 2010 by Jasmine Stone / No Comments
God, some headlines just write themselves. Happy Friday, by the way. PETA member and Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee has angrily written SeaWorld protesting their apparent use of killer whale Tilikum as a “chief sperm bank,” collecting ‘deposits’ with “a cow’s vagina filled with hot water.” What happened, Tommy Lee? You used to not be crazy.
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