Aah, I do like Porters. She is just delightful. I claimed her when she played Matilda in Leon (The Professional) and have been pleased with my claim ever since.
Hello! What's this?
I'm so pleased with these pics of her bum from her new film Hotel Chevalier. It's just as I imagined it. Thank you, my angel. You are very naughty to spoil us like that.
Click this little strip of images to get a look. You know, if you like bums.
I had near cardiac arrest last night and bled out my eyes as I witnessed the new Firestone Tyres ad on TV. The one where the woman pops her head out of the caravan and starts singing the Firestones song (Them stones, them stones, them Firestones).
I respect women and have never, and will never lay a hand on a woman - except this chick. If that chick comes near me I will punch a hole directly through her face. If I see that ad again I will probably cotch on the spot - it is so fucking shocking it simply has to be seen to be believed. I honestly thought it was a joke.
It is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to me and to 2oceansvibe that I show you the ad I am talking about. You simply have to see it.
So please, if anyone out there has access or a link to the commercial on this supposedly "brilliant" internet, it is of national importance that you email it to me right this very second at editor@2oceansvibe.com
As we highlight something important and close to Seth [permalink]
Regular readers will be aware that 2oceansvibe is very limited when it comes to appeals to the readers for help. We do receive many charitable requests for help and, whilst we are more than happy to email the information around to others who might be able to help, we are sadly unable to publish each and every one. If we did then there would, quite literally, be no 2oceansvibe.
Because one cannot help everyone in need, requests like these are the ones close to my heart and family. I have always made mention that if you also struggle to choose who to give to and who to help, going for those requested on 2oceansvibe will keep you in good stead with the Gods of karma and you won't have to feel bad that you don't drive through Cape Town spending R350 a day on street children.
That said, I wish to highlight the plight of Cassie Buchanan, a little girl and member of a family who are very close to my heart. Cassie has been diagnosed with something called Aplastic Anemia, a blood disorder which, like many others, requires a bone marrow transplant. As with many of these cases, a matching (usually very rare) donor is required. This is the situation in the case of Cassie Buchanan.
Through registering and testing, The Sunflower Fund deals with increasing the number of matches on the Bone Marrow Registry for these kind of medical processes.
At about R1,000 a test and with such a small chance of finding a match, one can understand that this is not your standard medical operation fundraiser. Any assistance we can give to contribute to The Sunflower Fund's cause would therefore be greatly appreciated - no matter how small the amount.
The Sunflower Fund's banking details are:
The Sunflower Fund
ABSA BANK
Cheque account
Account number: 4051834719
Branch code: 632 005
Further to that, an account has been opened in the name of:
Cassie Buchanan Fund
RMB Private Bank
Account number: 62154514634
Branch code: 202 709
This account has been opened to help with the costs of Cassie's medical treatment. Any donation of any size would be greatly appreciated. The account is administered by the bank for all Cassie's medical treatment.
As reality seems to intermix with La-la-land [permalink]
Ok, it looks like we're being punk'd. Either that, or we're ALL on mushrooms. I mean, to have these two headlines at THE SAME TIME is just too much to bear. Let me run you through it.
Fuck me. You couldn't make this stuff up. A WARRANT is issued for the ARREST of our POLICE CHIEF and a TOP JUDGE is in court for DEFEATING THE ENDS OF JUSTICE. Those are two GLARING oxy morons (intended two word split) on virtually the same newspaper page!
IT'S
OUT
OF
CONTROL!
It's good humour though. Don't let the joke drag on too long, guys. Either that, or stop mixing mushrooms into our water system - that's naughty.
As Americanisms creep into the very fabric of our society [permalink]
"Where were you yesterday? I waited an hour for you. I thought we agreed to meet for lunch?"
"Oh, God, yes I totally forgot. Sorry. My bad."
I fucking beg your pardon? YOUR bad? What in God's name are you talking about? What the fuck is a bad? Is this some sort of experimental social game that we're playing? Is everyone allocated a certain amount of "bads" per day and have to acknowledge when each one is used up? Are there "goods" as well? Can you rack up goods and use them to cancel out bads? What the muff is going on, man?
You're not going to get away with cutifying the situation with an Americanism that should stay an Americanism. You missed our lunch which I was going to forgive you for - but now, I'm afraid, we're never having lunch again - not if you're going to talk like that. Who are you anyway? Are your parents television sets? Cos that's what you were clearly raised by. You're a mini-TV and I'm just going to have to use the mute button on you.
Christ. It was fine to play American-American when we were kids, cos that was just how cops and robbers spoke - but we're all grown up now, guys.
Once again I was day dreaming about you - my luscious, treasured readers, and I gave a tinkle to my buddies at Playeuromillions with a little plan. You'll be very pleased about what we have arranged exclusively for 2oceansvibe readers. As you should have read in today's earlier article, there is a lottery draw tomorrow that will make you a billionaire. I also told you where to go to buy your tickets for the lottery online at Playeuromillions (I'm spoon feeding you again). And now, I have something else to tell you:
All 2oceansvibe readers who buy tickets for Friday's lottery will go into ANOTHER secret little draw and stand the chance of winning a further £250. Just for fun! Because we can! That's R3,500, my darlings! That's what my mother calls a "bonsella!" It's what some people call "seven lap dances." It's like this website is some sort of a magic ATM machine! Your chances will be pretty high as well, so you're definitely being a little silly if you don't follow through with this.
What do you have to do, you ask?
It's very easy - to stand a very good chance of winning £250 (as well as R1.2 billion), simply buy a ticket for Friday's lottery online and then EMAIL/FORWARD ME your ticket confirmation (gets sent to you when you buy a ticket) to editor@2oceansvibe.com
Euro Millions jackpot is completely off the charts [permalink]
I don't do a lot of online gambling or gaming or betting and I thank God every day that I don't - because I'd be a fucking wreck. I know I'd get sucked in and enter into a downward vortex resulting in my putting the last of my world on red or black. I used to do that, by the way, when I worked my first job after school as a waiter at Bertie's Landing before it got sold (over and over again, with every new owner believing they could make it work). I would take half my weekly paycheck, go straight to an illegal casino in Sea Point (the early days) and put it all on red or black.
That's how crazy I am. I live on the edge. That's where I gotta be. That's what makes me sexy. That's what makes you want me. That, and my rapping skills.
So anyway, there is one online gaming thing I find quite tame and rather silly to ignore - and that is when Euromillions lottery goes ballistic and reaches a jackpot of 88 MILLION POUNDS! Yes, that is right, my friends. And don't lift a finger, I've already done the sum for you - it works out to R1.2 billion. That is some serious kizzash. God, that would save me a LOT of time. I'd only have to make another R800 million to reach my goal. Then I can focus more on making you laugh and healing children and working out what makes The TBG tick.
And let me tell you SOMETHING ELSE, capitan - this particular draw is what they call a "SUPERDRAW" which means that it simply "must be won". So if there are no winning numbers, then the winnings will be split amongst the next tier of winning numbers. You're virtually guaranteed of walking away a millionaire by Saturday morning. Welcome to your new life.
So that is what I am here to tell you about today - so you don't kick yourself afterwards and realise that a few clicks of your mouse could have sorted out that annoying bond of yours, or that new Chanel handbag, or that ton of saffron you needed for that special extravagant recipe you found.
It's 88 million Pounds, people - buy yourself a ticket before the end of Friday.
Please enjoy French rugby's mountain man, Chabal, during an interview - refusing to answer questions put forward in English. B E A U T I F U L!
God he is a legend. I LOVE the way he looks down when he says "we are in France" and then his nose twitches as he breathes out - it's just perfect! Like some sort of noble warrior who is fighting for the crown or God and country or something medieval. Like Braveheart - involving passion and all that cuck. Classic stuff.
This man will eat you.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
It's a classic pose, with her tabs poking out of the outfit she is wearing - and a phone in her hand, obviously signifying her weapon of choice when accosting her hired help.
The Wellness Warehouse opens on Kloof Street and blows us away [permalink]
One of the rules that I constantly try and enforce on myself is not to stock up on junk food. If I have the need for chocolate or biltong or sweets of any sort, I am forced to go to the shops and get it. I can't keep a stock of sweets and only tickle it now and then. I can pretend to, but that only lasts a couple of hours and before I go to bed I would have devoured all of it and found myself positioning mirrors in the hall at the Safe House to get a good view of the TV as I settle into a painful extended stay in the bathroom. (I don't think that was too graphic? I mean, I didn't use words like stool or anything).
Another angle to the problem is going to shops for something good (healthy), and being tempted to buy crap at the same time. It's like running the gauntlet when you're queuing at Woolies and you find yourself subjected to temptation only Eve could describe. It's radical - you are surrounded by enough chocolate and sweets to give you full-blown acne and an extra 3 kg's by sunrise. Sin, sin, sin!
You'll have your own reasons why you love it, but for me the Wellness Warehouse in Cape Town's Kloof Lifestyle Centre on Kloof Street is what I call a "safe zone" - you can do what you want, buy what you want and EAT what you want with COMPLETE gay abandon and you won't hate yourself when you're done! PERFECT!
I don't know where to start but this place is a complete mind fuck! It is MASSIVE and basically takes up the whole of the Kloof Lifestyle centre's top section. It doesn't end! You walk in and see the usual mainstream convenience products lined-up over several aisles and are impressed by the pharmacy in the other corner - reminding you of of a classic Boots setup - but then you realise that this theme takes up only a QUARTER of the store.
You walk further and discover what-can-only-be-described as four or five other themes. Like you've walked into a CENTRE of sorts, with different stores offering different things - all falling under the heading health and wellness. But this is not a centre, my friends, this is ONE FUCKING SHOP! You'll never want to leave!
One section is dedicated to supplements and complimentary medicine, whilst another offers pilates and sports equipment. You go further into the wonderland of health and notice a plants and flowers section, a book shop focusing on body, mind and soul, a naturopathic dispensary, a spa (full, including hairdressers, massages etc.), standard cosmetics section including the likes of Clarins and Garnier, a section with stuff that is normally hard to get (like Dermalogica), a food market with wide organic choice and even recommended special bed mattresses and shower heads demonstration area! Then, just when you think it's all over, you collapse in the deli section with full Kauai-type counter with sandwiches, smoothies and everything else you want to gobble up. It is completely out of control!
Just like the question "have you joined facebook" was on everyone's lips for WAY too long, "have you been to the Wellness Warehouse" is picking up momentum and I SUGGEST you get your answer ready. Go there, and you'll be pleased you did. You'll get lost and won't want to leave. Then you'll go again. And again. Then you'll join discussions over dinner asking WHAT we did before the Wellness Warehouse came along. Like HOW did we cope without cellphones? It's the same thing - but it doesn't give you radiation burn.
It's ALL good and it's something you have never experienced before. It makes the classic South African retail experience look like something out of Tarzan.
As fast as possible [permalink]
261 km/h was the speed one motorist chose to travel last week Sunday on his way to the Wesbank race track in Alberton. Unfortunately it doesn't take a genius traffic officer to set up a speed trap on the road leading to a race track on race day. You're BOUND to get a rock pretending to BE in the races on the WAY to the races. These are special people we're dealing with and precisely the reason why our boy was caught and is now in a spot of poo.
I was intrigued as to what car was used to carry the rockspider at such phenomenal speeds. The report mentioned a Nissan Skyline GT-R. Sounding like something my grandfather might drive, I wondered what this car was all about and thought I would gather some info for you. I can just hear the petrol head readers out there getting a hard-on as they shout things like, "Oh my God, don't you know about the Skyline GTR?? Fuck bru, are you thick or something?"
No bru, I'm not thick - I was just doing other stuff when I was a kid. Like nailing your sister.
Anyway, launching in the late 80's and constantly tweaked throughout the 90's, the Nissan Skyline GT-R was an affordable route into the realms of speed usually only reserved for the likes of Porsche and Ferrari.
The Nissan Skyline GT-R
Sexy? Nah. Fast? Sure.
A brief history of the GT-R can be found here, which includes:
The GT-R of the 1990s included a potent 2.6 L straight six-cylinder twin-turbo motor producing 206 kW (276 hp) and an electronically-controlled all wheel drive drivetrain. The car had also computer-controlled all wheel steering. Its success in motor racing was formidable, particularly in the annual race at the Mount Panorama circuit in Bathurst, Australia, where the champion three years running was a GT-R (despite receiving additional weight penalties in years two and three due to its unbeatable performance) and in the Japanese GT series where it has remained dominant up to the present day.
So there you have it! A brand new piece of information, welded together using a mouse and a keyboard. Oh and I thought I would round off this weird little "piece" with a clip of Jeremy Clarkson testing the GT-R, which looks like it was made before you were born.
As she sports a tidy new bump and an even more impressive rack [permalink]
Girls will enjoy this pic of Christina Aguilera.
Guys will enjoy this pic of Christina Aguilera.
Christina, "glowing"
Christina is so fucking gorgeous and in a completely different league to the rest of the pop tarts. She never gets bust doing anything wrong. She is incredibly hot. She is GENUINELY talented. And she's married a COMPLETELY AVERAGE looking guy.
I'm very impressed.
Prick.
Obviously I do feel bad that it's my child she is carrying and that homeboy doesn't know any better. But that's just how it goes, I suppose.
You might have caught the Pavarotti feature on Carte Blanche the other day, following the flamboyant tenor's death. There was a local chick who was interviewed because she was very much involved in handling Luciano when he came to South Africa a few years back. She spoke about him with a smile from ear-to-ear, coyly admitting that he (LP) certainly did have a way with woman. I was watching the TV show with The Kitesurfer and we both turned to each other and said at the same time, "OH.....MY.....GOD......I THINK I know a little girl who gave Pavarotti a blow job!"
What a legend! We went on to discuss how much action our boy must have got in his time. "Tonnes," is the answer. Fucking TONNES of it! Chicks went mad for him. I know for a FACT that my half-aunt would have gone down on all-fours for him.
The subject came up again today as I read through the latest Popbitch newsletter. I told you a few weeks ago that if you haven't subscribed to Popbitch, you are a moron. Anyway, this is from the latest newsletter. Our suspicions are confirmed!
>> Larger than life <<
Remembering a legend in happier times
RIP Pavarotti. We recall a story we wrote about
him in 2003. While rehearsing for his farewell
performance at Covent Garden, Pavarotti sloped
off to his dressing room with two female dancers.
And was discovered a little later, by the
runner sent to retrieve him, enjoying
oral sex from one, while the other held his
stomach out of the way.
Following a reported visit to the East where his magic continues [permalink]
Can anyone be so incredibly amazing?
Sensing that Cape Town was on a TBG high, The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) decided to bless other parts of the globe and was reported to be healing the sick and the weak and spreading general beauty and good-vibes in the East! How does this great idol find the time? And what drives him? I think he is nuclear powered, personally. How else can you create raptures of joy around you wherever you go? That's a silly question because to ask it would be to suggest he is human - which we know he is not. But WHAT is he? A transformer?
Liezel W felt some of that magic, giving us the very first TBG sighting since the return of the demigod. Not only that, THE TBG TOOK THE PICTURE FOR HER! I know, it's just too much. Listen to what she had to say:
The TBG and Liezel
A day she will never forget
Hi Seth
I’d like to tell you about my Friday night. Tis a date that will forever be etched in my memory.
07.09.07
I cruised into Asoka on Friday night for a friend’s birthday celebrations. Said all my hello’s to my fans and decided to take a nice seat in the corner, not too much attention, yet able to view all the goings on around me. As I put my bag down, I felt this warm gush of wind blow my hair….I turned around. There He was.
The TBG.
A flush came over my body, I immediately grabbed my camera. My fiancé kept asking me, what now? What’s going on? I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t speak. I HAD to get to him. As he gracefully glided through the crowd, I felt myself floating towards him (his energy is very contagious you see)…. I stopped him and barely able to speak, muffled out the words: “Would you mind if I took a picture with you?” He flashed me that all-knowing smile. “No problem” he said, and then added: “Here, let me take it”. He took the camera out of my hands and with a perfectly angled arm….took the snap. Did you get that….HE TOUCHED MY CAMERA.
After that, I couldn’t stop beaming. The feeling of meeting a legacy is just inexplicable. People kept asking me, who? What? Where? How? You can’t explain it can you? Until it’s your turn baby, until it’s your turn.
*sigh*
ciao
Liezel W
Liezel, I think more than anything a BIG THANK YOU for giving us the material and reassuring us and the rest of the continent that our great saviour has returned. And he didn't even look tired after giving so much of his soul overseas.
For me the big thing (sorry) is that she has added the website's name as a watermark in her main photograph (above). I mean, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SOMEONE USING THESE PICS WITHOUT AN ACCOMPANYING REFERENCE TO MINI-BRITNEY.COM!?
I mean it's not like I'd do an article on blonde hair and just DECIDE to use THAT pic to illustrate a particular hairstyle! Why would I confuse my readers by displaying the hairstyle using a midget in a Britney Spears outfit?
People CAN ONLY and WILL ONLY use that pic to talk about HER and HER WEBSITE! You can remove the watermark! No-one is going to steal the pic!
It's all just too much for me.
I won't even START to get into the photographer's name on the same pic.
Marilyn Manson's ex, Dita Von Teese is easily my favourite burlesque fetish model. In fact I think it's fair to say that she is the ONLY model of this type that I am aware of. Either way, she is absolutely gorgeous. She's just so woman! And her tabs.... well that is why they are right here on 2oceansvibe's World famous Tuesday Tabs.
Oh yes! Crack open the shampiz, blow the dust off your shades, rub in the piz and promise not to behave - summer is here my baby and there's nothing you can do about it!
It's quite evident that summer has begun
Camps Bay was pretty empty when I found myself tip-toeing onto the beach, scared that a wall of clouds and accompanying rain would appear out of nowhere and gobble me up - sentencing me to a life of darkness living in caves with goths and tree people. But nothing happened. I cracked open my umbrella ella ella and calmly sat down on my towel, retrieving my iPod from the Carlucci's bag. I pressed play as the little black hard drive selected a song. That was when I new this was the beginning of summer. Out of NOWHERE, my iPod hit me with Long Cool Woman by The Hollies (click that link if you don't know what I'm talking about). OH MY GOD! I couldn't believe it. I fired up a tight little joint and took in my surroundings.
Hardly anyone else on the beach......, as I greased myself up and noticed that a glorious foreign woman to my right was clearly convinced that we had a connection. Hey take it easy, baby...it's gonna be a long summer....
One of our regular topless SMOKING-HOT blonde models left the beach after my first swim and only now am I really thinking about that ass she was throwing around on departure. God, you could crack a coconut on that thing! I think I know a little SOMEBODY who did some WORK during the winter. Good girl, Daddy is pleased.
I smashed a cocktail at Caprice, got back to the Bantry Bay pad (The Safe House is undergoing some alterations. Grrr!) and checked the weather forecast for the rest of the week.
Aaaah, look at that:
Laughable
If the top pic in this article is what they mean when they say "scattered clouds" and "22 degrees" (Monday above) then we're LAUGHING this summer. Maybe clouds is a new word for ass and they're referring to sightings of scattered ass everywhere.
Anyway, with the odd suspected drop of tame-rain on the weekend and more sun to follow, I think it's safe to say it - Welcome to Summer, people.
I'll show you some scattered clouds RIGHT THERE! Yeah, you like that?
Crucifix carrying gentleman follows through with given task [permalink]
Is it just me, or does this stuff happen to all of you? It's like The Truman Show or something. I feel like I'm being hit with these mind-blowing human-interaction incidents WAY too often. Just a couple of weeks ago I received a vision in the form of an angel wearing my orange Polo jersey - but I think that must have been a dream because she seems to have vanished.. I couldn't imagine things could get more crazy until I found myself driving along the Constantia Uitsig road in Constantia last week..
Up in the distance was a figure. I laughed to myself because from that far away it looked like the guy was carrying a cross of sorts - like a crucifix. IMAGINE! I mused to myself as I drove closer and closer to the guy, slowly realising that what I thought was true.
A vision
"JESUS," I shrieked during a phone call I was conducting with The Hand at the same time.
"What happened," asked The Hand.
"No....nothings HAPPENED, it....it..........it's JESUS.....I think Jesus is in Constantia! There's this guy carrying a crucifix down the road! What the fuck is going on here, man?"
"Naah, that guy's been doing that for years" reacted The Hand, calmly - as he should.......BEING The Hand.
I ended the call and parked on the side of the road ahead of him, waiting for him to get closer to me. I didn't know what I was going to do with him when he got to me, I'd just have to ride it out and see. Thank GOD I brought my camera. I popped it onto video mode and met the lone crusader - here is the interview:
So there you have it! If you for some incredibly sad bizarre reason are NOT able to see that video, I'll break it down for you:
Mark, the messenger from God, received a mission from The Lord through prayer. Poor guy! I must say that I count myself quite lucky with the mission I was set - that of keeping you smiling and to rid the world of bad people, idiots and losers. Shame, Mark got one of the more strenuous tasks, I'd say. To build and carry a crucifix on his shoulder! And not only that - I asked what sort of timeframe God was looking at for this particular mission. He said that, although he had been doing it on and off since 1991, this time he was going to continue doing it for "a lifetime."
A LIFETIME!? That is HECTIC BRU!
Bad luck - but good, I suppose. It's definitely going to keep you from sinning! I mean PHYSICALLY you won't even be able to get THROUGH the doors at Maverick's, let alone LUST over Eastern-European tricksters in a haze of liquor, pop music, smoke and sex.
Mark - just chilling..
So he (Mark) said God had a plan for all of us and that everything was happening for a reason. Religious or not, I told him that SOMETHING was definitely going on because I SOMEHOW remembered my camera and therefore had NO option but to put his video on 2oceansvibe - as a gift to the readers. So we kill two birds with one stone; I entertain the readers and Mark gets his message out even further.
Didn't Noah kill two birds with one stone or something? They fell out the sky and hit a rock and turned into wine I think. You'll have to look it up - don't quote me.
As Johann Rupert flies in lawyers on his Boeing Business jet [permalink]
God I love this country! Springbok powerhouse Schalk Burger gets cited for dangerous play and Johann Rupert, who is essentially a private citizen, sends in his private jet (the Boeing BBJ) with enough legal clout on board to free Dina Rodriguez.
And it worked! Fuck it's funny! A very possible entire-tournament-ban could have been on the cards. There was a hearing and the four-match ban verdict was appealed, resulting in a gentle two-match ban.
It's HILARIOUS! I love it!
Say what you want about Johann Rupert - he saved the day and it he did it in style. He's definitely got the 2 Oceans Vibe and doesn't mind following through on things that he is passionate about. I assure you it wasn't about showing off, it was about getting the job done. Time was a factor and the nation's rugby team needed help. He just happens to have the toys that make it easier. It's quicker on a jet and, because of the layout and features in the Boeing BBJ they were able to work on the case en route - saving even more time!
Beautiful! I'm FINE with that!
The Boeing Business Jet (BBJ)
When you simply REFUSE to fuck around
So THAT happened last week....and then we put England over our knee on the weekend which resulted in a surprising, humbled phone call from The UK Showbiz Guy, who wished to show how "gracious in defeat" he was. Very impressive, mate.
It feels good and I gotta say it, I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the Springboks at the moment. They're loads of fun! And I see The Loose Forward has a little diary going on the Castle Lager website in the form of Bobby Skinstad's World Cup diary. CHRIST, IT'S ALL HAPPENING!
So whilst we're on the subject of all things rugger, I have decided to use this pic I have had for quite some time of Butch James flying through the air like some sort of a bird of prey. I've had this pic for a while because I wanted to do an article ages ago congratulating Butch for the perfect TV dive. He is in the air parallel to the ground with the ball perfectly under his left arm. His right arm is extended directly in front of him, with the CLASSIC pointed finger aimed at the crowd. His head is lifted and he is looking at them, taking it all in.
Do you know how difficult it is to get that all right? Try it now. At your desk. Right now. Pretend you're holding a ball under your arm and lift your head so you're looking at the ceiling. Now extend your right arm up and point your finger at the ceiling. Now imagine doing that lying-down going FORWARDS in the fucking AIR! It looks easy, but it's not - Butch is a professional and I very much doubt you should even consider trying this at home.
Record attendence in store as ticket availability gets tight [permalink]
Jeepers! Only two weeks left and the excitement is ELECTRIC! I normally don't take note of what people are saying to me when they talk out their mouths; I just hear a CONSTANT drone that changes pitch the whole time as their lips move and they make funny faces. If I hear the same drone pattern over and over again then my brain tells me that something is going on. They're trying to tell me something. I need to take note.
So I realised lately that EVERYONE has had a very similar drone pattern. It is honestly like something I have never experienced. EVERYONE that I speak to is going to 2007 ROCKING THE DAISIES. Like people I would never have expected. Like the hot Russian who lives with The Kitesurfer in The Castle. She's going! Amazing! Then I'm hearing about hot little princesses going and LARGE groups of chicks who ALL seem to have a little twinkle in their eye. I don't know what it is, but the twinkle was nice and I've seen a LOT of twinkles! Mark my words, Rocking the Daisies is going to be MENTAL this year. There are so many BEAUTIES going! Even my boy, Paul Snodgrass is going! It's gonna be off the hizzo!
So nice that all the princesses are also going! They obviously read the last article which mentioned the 5-star tent accommodation that is available which includes room-service. Or someone told them about the sushi restaurant they have at this year's festival. Either way, the organisers have clearly shown that they cater for everyone.
Everyone is in. Are you?
I trust you're aware that I don't REALLY use the word "hizzo" naturally? Actually I do. But not that time. I was kidding that time.
It's the weekend after next people. Get your asses in gear and secure your tickets and get your plans together NOW! I'm not going to spoon-feed you again so check out www.rockingthedaisies.com for tickets, prices, accommodation, band line-up, photo's, sponsors, tips for little princesses out of their comfort zone etc. Really, it's all there. 28-30 September. Friday to the Sunday with EVERYONE performing for you, from Goldfish to The Rudimentals to Cassette and PLENCH more massive names. The Dirty Skirts play on the Saturday night. A blow job gets you backstage.
Some people didn't have to worry about tickets because they got theirs at 2oceansvibe. Check out some of the winning entries from the VIP ticket competition we had the other day. As you can see, they varied QUITE considerably.
I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I did not plan this.
I often forget and have moments of utter horror when I am reminded that my mother (who dwells in Melbourne, Australia) does in fact READ 2oceansvibe. I received an email from Mother Dearest this morning and in a bizarre display of coincidence, it seems she too had made an irrational slip-slop purchase! This time it was Louis Vuitton instead of Prada. Not only is the actual purchase coincidental, but the DESIGN is so similar!
"Is Prada the son of Louis xxx" is all the email read. With the following attachment:
Seth's mum's new slops - bizarre coincidence PLUTZ!
Fucking hysterical is all I can say.
Very nice, Mum! Too good not to have!
I hope this latest incident allows further insight into this only child's very intricate, delicate and tormented mind.
I still haven't even done the "dolls house article"....
In just a few days - Monday the 17th September [permalink]
I'm not going to entertain any emails like the ones I received last time when you lot of ex-pats over there left it too late and couldn't get in to the last gig James played. I'm not. It's Thursday now. The gig is on Monday.
BOOKING IS ESSENTIAL
DO IT RIGHT NOW!
I can't hold your hand anymore than that so please, no moaning.
One of 2oceansvibe's closest friend's, James Stewart, will be playing live at The 606 Club in Chelsea (www.606club.co.uk) on Monday. Ja, Monday coming. Yes, that's the one. Like the one after this weekend. Correct. If you don't know already, James Stewart is one of South Africa's most highly respected solo artists and leaves a trail of accolades everywhere he goes. I actually can't bear to rattle through it all as it would be an insult to your intelligence. You know who the fuck James Stewart is.
The London gig is in anticipation of his worldwide release of 'Prayer' featuring Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
These are special moments friends - grab them by the balls!
Space is very limited and booking is, as I said earlier, ESSENTIAL. send bookings to 21century@unilynx.co.za.
The Loose Forward sms'd me the other day from wherever the ATP tennis tour is at the moment and asked why I hadn't had any coverage on the site about the 20/20 cricket cup. I told him this was simply because I didn't give a shit about it. Hansie cheating kind of ruined the sport for me and I never really got closure on Bob Woolmer's death - so I kind of drifted away from it.
That was before last night when Zimbabwe took Australia very gently from behind, holding their hair tight in a fist, and rode them - stroke after gentle stroke. I think everyone agrees that the day Zimbabwe beat the Ozzies at cricket is a day we will never forget. It's probably the greatest event in world history.
What a wonderful feeling it was. It was the same feeling we would have felt if USA beat England in the rugger the other night. It's like an orgasm, but not quite. It was also particularly bizarre to cheer for Zimbabwe.
Awesome, just awesome.
Can you imagine Bob Mugabe doing flick-flacks at home? It's not hard for him because, without a ball sack, he doesn't have to worry about whiplash - which is surely any gymnast's worst nightmare.
What a crap article.
Apologies.
I'm just....I'm just juggling the earth and the moon at the moment; it sounds easy but it's not.
[with limp wrist] I had NO idea that Nico had moved from the Cavendish Fabiani branch to the one in the Waterfront!
Well anyway, he served me today because the other queens were busy filing their nails. I would normally NEVER buy Prada locally (shaking head, eyes fluttering, jaw open, matter-of-factly) and I certainly won't tell you what I paid for them; and anyway, it's irrelevent! The point is it could ONLY be a sign from God. I mean, were there ever more perfect slops for me?
Oh yeah, you like that?
Yeah, baby, just like that....
Aaah...
OUT
OF
CONTROL!
Sigh! I'm wearing them now and I'm close to squeeling like a poefter. Can you just IMAGINE them with my red jean pant in summer? I know! Tooo much to comprehend!
No seriously, if I look at them any longer I'm actually going to make a bit of a mess here.
One of the bigger non-events of my life [permalink]
I won't spend too much time on this 'cos I'll get really worked up and I want to save that energy for my story on the Camps Bay Friendly Store and the fact that the manager is without a doubt ACTIVELY trying to murder me (I have proof).
Winex 2007 - Cape Town's worst event
Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on with the parking at the Cape Town International Conference Centre (CTICC)? I went to attend this year's Wine Expo ("Winex" - good one) and tried to find a parking spot. Digital signs explained that Parking Area 1 (to the left) was full and a scared little woman was holding a "GO THAT WAY FOR PARKING" sign in her hand with an arrow pointing to the other side of the roundabout which resembled a straight road leading into darkness - like a black hole of sorts.
I had a joint some time before I left The Castle (more about that later) so I drove toward (leaving the 's' out is my new vibe) the woman and made sure which way it was pointing. Yup, I must turn right and follow the road that leads to nowhere. There also happened to be no other options, other than turning around. And so on I went, slowly, into the darkness. I looked back and noticed a trail of SIX OTHER CARS following me like lemmings! Christ, it was like the blind leading the blind!
True as God the road just fizzled out and we were in no-man's land. With cars parked EVERYWHERE, off-road, on pavements, upside-down - it was a mess! The other cars following me turned around and probably went home because there was no-where else to park. I couldn't understand why there was no parking. I thought this new conference centre was meant to be current and modern and, you know...SENSIBLE at the very least. I don't know when last I parked that far away for anything. You would have sworn they were having the biggest world event imaginable - I don't know, like Paris and Britney's ACTUAL vagina's on display in a glass box. But no! It was the Winex 2007! It's not even a national event! Whilst I was very excited to press the "raise suspension" button in my car for the off-road extravaganza, the half a kilometer walk from the car to the entrance left a lot to be desired.
The RMB Winex Wine "festival" turned out to be more of a fuckfest than a festival. Honestly, it was so cuck. We paid R90 each, got a glass to taste wine with and walked into the most lifeless void I have ever encountered.
I know! Let's take a four-storey hall the size of two rugby fields, put up stands, AND LABEL THEM WITH THE NAMES OF THE DIFFERENT WINE FARMS!!! Then let's add NOTHING ELSE! AWESOME!
But shouldn't we add a "vibe" to it? Like make it look cool? Like...hmmm...like WHY DON'T WE HANG SOMETHING FROM THE CEILING??
No!!!! Definitely not. Let's make this as BLAND as possible!
Honestly, I could have put that thing together with my left ball. It was LITERALLY a circle of stands going the whole way around the room with the names of each wine farm above each stand - with this bizarre four-storey empty space above everything.
Whilst it is not officially billed as a wine and cheese festival, one would expect a cheese section of sorts. There was literally ONE cheese table - OUTSIDE the hall - called "Fairview" cheeses.
"Good heavens!" I exclaimed to the man at the cheese stand. "How the fuck did you manage to pull this off? The fact that you're the only cheese stand at the ENTIRE expo?"
"Ja but we actually have a wine stand at the expo and our farm makes both cheese and wine." he explained.
"Bru, Zevenwacht wine makes cheese as well and they're certainly more well-known than you guys," I quipped.
"Ja...well...." was all he came up with.
I nodded with a smirk, "Ja, whatever. You know as well as I do that someone MUST have given someone else a blow job SOMEWHERE along the way."
His jaw dropped and I cackled like the guy that laughs in Michael Jackson's Thriller as I departed the godforsaken event.
I know! It's an absolute classic. Gail Porter! Out of nowhere - pulls in for a bit of Tuesday Tabs!
If you were in London at the time you might remember the coup d'etat pulled by FHM Magazine; ironically ON the Houses of Parliament.
(insert "Big Ben" penis hard-on joke here)
I must say Gail Porter never put a foot wrong in our day. She was consistently a mixture of cute and sexy. Her bum and her tabs were so edible. Not in a violent flesh-chomping way, but more of a sexual swallowing-whole kind of way. With a cheeky but romantic burp afterward (trying it out without the 's' - don't mind it). There were other little starlets. I mean, Cat Deeley was cool, but I embarrassed myself in front of her which kind of ruined my feelings about her; she was too much of a tom boy anyway.
So anywee, I think a big congrats goes out to Gail Porter for being Tuesday Tabs number 47!
It's quite bizarre that I am writing another article about Liqui Fruit at this time of year. Ardent fans will remember one of my favourite articles (I read my articles and rate them as though I had nothing to do with writing them) written in October 2005 called "Cruel Summer 2006". It was a true story and I personally found the situation quite amazing.
Anypoo, I was instructed by The Kitesurfer to try out the Liqui Fruit Berry Blaze; he believed the taste would take me close to orgasm.
That's it my boet - now you've got it.
I bought one.
He was right.
Words cannot describe.
There's nothing left to say.
Except this...
People, do yourselves a favour and expose your body to Liqui Fruit's "Berry Blaze" - it's a mind fuck.
Jason P sent in these pics that really got my attention. He got them from his bird's dad who was a Swiss immigrant and used to chill at The Grande Hotel, Beira, in Mozambique.
It hasn't aged well in 40-odd years. Check out these amazing pics.
The Grande Hotel 1962
The kind of place we might be found tanning
I'm going to keep this brief cos I'm in a spot of pain and didn't want you to expect any heroics from me today.
Basically I bought and ate some gherkins from the Camps Bay Friendly shop and noticed afterwards that the best before date was JUNE THIS YEAR!!
I know! Today is the result.
I still need to speak to the manager of the shop who is clearly trying to kill me.
So that's the story, friends. Sad, but true. Whilst some of you will be wondering why I don't use my healing power to fix myself, I should mention that these powers are only useful for healing children and have no effect on adults.
Unsubstantiated reports in Portuguese papers also mention that the dogs found the "strong scent of a corpse" on the car keys. Jesus. I wonder how they find that out. Does the dog sniff, think for a while, turn to the human with a similar expression to someone tasting wine and say, "Corpse. Next!"
Whatever, there is blood in the boot. That's enough for me.
hmm...
I mean, really, they even offered Kate McCann a short sentence if she gave a confession. She refused. Whilst I'm sure we all agree the Portuguese cops are certainly not world leaders in terms of crime fighting techniques and success, I very much doubt they would go this far in full glare of the world's media.
Where there's smoke there's fire.
Not only that. I haven't worked it out yet, but I've got a small inkling that the McCann's are linked to Pavarotti's death - something is just not adding up for me. I mean, there have been reports that the McCann's "listen to music".
That's my new vibe - coming across like you have absolutely no concept of the differences between types of sports. When The Loose Forward goes overseas for these types of competitions or training sessions and the timing clashes with another sporting event, my new vibe is to ALWAYS throw in something like, "What do you think your chances will be against Nadal." (ATP tour) Or, "what kind of bike are you using" (there was a clash with the Tour de France). The events don't even have to be in the same city - in fact it makes it better - funnier.
Try it out - it's good fun. Hit your mates with something like:
I'm just so stoked that Lucas Radebe has accepted to join the team - we could use another lock.
Just throw it around. For fun. Amuse yourself.
So anyway, I got this in my "email" and it made me chuckle. It's an oldie but a goldie. (I don't REALLY talk like that)
Christ I must just quickly congratulate everyone who went to Caprice last night. Jeepers Hudders - what a fucking party! And my GOD the angels have missed summer. Aaah, the little angels were all so gorgeous!
The new Caprice is off the charts - you'll love it.
Fuck it was funny. This one chick asked me if I was "that 2oceansvibe guy" and I said, "oh you betcha, baby shoes!"
Then she said, "HEY! That doesn't mean you can fondle my fucking ass."
We can finally tune in again to the story about Madeleine McCann who was "kidnapped" a few months back in Portugal whilst her folks chowed dinner across the way.
The story has got weirder and weirder by the day, with the cops SUDDENLY finding a spot of blood in the apartment the child was sleeping in THREE MONTHS after they started the investigation.
Huh? Are you fucking kidding me?
Not only that, the McCann parents have vowed to stay in Portugal until they find "Maddy." I can't help but wonder how someone is able to just chill out in a holiday resort until they find something. How does one do that? Are they millionaires? No, they're not. And we also have to keep in mind the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS that has been donated to help them out during this investigation - to keep them "afloat" as it were.
I am absolutely fine with that and believe we are about to experience one of the most AWESOME murder stories of our time that will eclipse the likes of Fred and Rosemary West. Trust me. Keep an eye on this shit - it's going to be massive. Look at this face - what do you think?
Satan?
Please man! This chick will rip your kidney out with her left hand whilst she finishes off a big mac with the other.
This story is going to be too hot to handle - too cold to hold. We won't jump to conclusions, but can you imagine? Yu! After the entire GLOBE helped to find the child. Mm mm mm, it's going to be off the hizzo.
Live music, party, snacks, big screen - good afternoon vibe [permalink]
I received word that The Marketer's first and current wife has managed to secure herself an entry into this year's New York Marathon. Five others will be joining her as they promised to raise R100,000 for Get Kids Going in return for an entry. That's how hard-core the whole thing is. Did you even know how hectic it was to get an entry?
Exactly.
Now focus. Look at me!
Yu!
What a stunning afternoon that will be! Starts at 14h30 at Asoka (Dharma's boy) with rugger starting at 16h00 where we SHOULD see the Boks enjoy their first Rugby World Cup victory - possibly with The Loose Forward showing us a bit of sexiness on the field.
Awesome.
Tickets are R120 and it's for a good cause and it's Sunday and it'll be sunny and there will be babes there and snacks and live music and good vibes. What else are you going to do? Hey? Exactly, sweet fuckall.
As Apple launches the new iPod Touch - oooh ja das goedt! [permalink]
Well it's all happening today! JUST as Luciano Pavarotti dies, Apple COINCIDENTALLY launches their new iPod Touch.
Interesting.
Wouldn't I be correct in saying that Pavarotti music sales will go up like mad following his death? Yes, I think I am! And doesn't the iPod play music? Yes, it does!
Oh my God! Apple killed Pavarotti!
Let me show you this little gadget. It looks pretty much like an iPhone. AND it has "wi-fi" so you can get onto the intraweb and Facefuck yourself into a coma.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
6 September, 2007
THE BOYS ARE AT ONE WITH THE OCEAN
I remember when these jokers were riding boogie boards [permalink]
It's always a proud moment when your wave riding friends progress to waves the height of your house. God, it seems like just yesterday the boys were high-fiving each other after doing a 360 on their boogie boards - throwing around words and names like "Mach 77" and "Waps". They were so "stoked"! Walking backwards into the ocean with their fucking waps on and their velcro watch straps. Hilarious! Well, I tell you what, these boys have progressed something terrible. The beavertails are gone and it's all about the latest Quicksilver zipless suits. Speaking of which, it certainly seems that Quicklsilver is the brand to wear. If you're the best of the best. That's what I would wear if I was a genuine surfer. I wouldn't be caught dead doing a floater in my old Gotcha gear.
The Roofer sent me these pics of him and The Film Guy dominating "Sunsets" and I thought you needed to see them.
I received an sms yesterday from The Surfer asking if I had seen local tabloid Die Son's latest headline boards strapped to the city light-poles. I replied in the negative, musing over my all-time favourite I spotted months ago, which included the words "BLOW JOB" in the headline. I mean, really! Imagine mothers dealing with their kids asking, "Mummy, what's a blow job?" Quite emboerrissing for the mother having to explain the reward system she has going with the child's father which she issues in return for holidays and gifts. Kids just don't understand that shit.
And have given up completely on learning to fly like a bird [permalink]
You may have missed another piece of outstanding South African journalism featured on iol, and possibly the odd print publication a couple of days ago. It was to do with our correctional Services Minister, Ngconde Balfour, confirming that serious action will be taken on prison staff, following another escape (murderers and rapists - not ideal).
But that wasn't the part that got me. The part that got me was the second paragraph where it mentioned:
"Last Friday night, seven dangerous awaiting-trial prisoners escaped from an Mthatha prison by sawing through burglar bars - a method that has been used to escape before."
I've hosed myself every time I've read that today. And even now, after dragging myself to write this down for you, after thinking about it for half an hour, I am still rolling on the ground, slapping my side and peeing myself.
A
METHOD
THAT
HAS
BEEN
USED
TO
ESCAPE
BEFORE
[let that sink in]
You know...... come to think of it.......you're probably right. Although bizarre and out of the ordinary, this very leftfield technique of escaping prison, by actually SAWING through the bars, would almost DEFINITELY have been used before to escape.
Yes, I seem to remember seeing or reading about it happening before. I just can't remember where.
Now where was it..... Where did I see it....
Oh YES! It was IN EVERY FUCKING CARTOON I'VE EVER SEEN FEATURING A STEREOTYPICAL PRISONER TRYING TO ESCAPE! In fact, I'd say it is not only every human's first idea that comes to mind when thinking about escaping prison, but you'll probably find that starfish would probably even come up with this very same technique. And ashtrays. Starfish and ashtrays could probably conjure up the same plan.
So yes, it certainly is a technique prisoners have used before to escape.
Hmmm. Oh, hang on!
I've just thought of something!
What is the one thing keeping me out of this jail cell?
Hmm, there seems to be something blocking this window over here. What are these? These...these BARS! I need to get rid of them! Now how should I do that?
I can't seem to bend them....if only I could get them out the way. Maybe I should cut them. Yes! I should cut them! WITH A FUCKING SAW!!!!!!!!
So yes, I'm glad the writer clarified that it was a technique used before to escape from prison!
[There will be a very tiny handful of you out there who aren't laughing and are tempted to write to me and tell me that the writer may have been referring to the fact that sawing through bars has been used before at that PARTICULAR prison and that he was, perhaps, highlighting the fact that they hadn't addressed a recurring problem. That will be VERY boring of you to do that and I think we all agree that the probability of my aforementioned apparent ambiguity (sic) being true FAR outweighs your very boring argument which does nothing but ruin our fun.]
Judge Nkola Motata is a very special individual. You might recall he is the one that got absolutely blind drunk and ploughed his Jag through someone's garden wall. The judge then issued a barrage of drunken slurring and abuse, directed at everyone who arrived on the scene, including police officers and the owner of the house.
You are a BEAUT!
The Times website has managed to get hold of a series of audio clips made at the time of the accident and features them in this article. They are nothing short of hilarious - including Motata saying "fuck you" about 11 times. God, it's funny! He is COMPLETELY fucked!
My personal favourite is the very first line where our boy says the following:
I know the law. Let me go to the law. I don't care about it. Ja, you mustn't look at me as a black man. Let me go before the law... Fuck him. Fuck him. He mustn't insult me. Fuck him. Anybody who insults me, I say fuck you.
You'll remember THIS 2005 article about Melissa Theuriau, the hottest news presenter on the planet. Here is one of the pics from that article to jog your memory:
She is quite something.
Does she have the journalistic skills of Ruda Landman? Who knows? I doubt it. I also doubt that I would be AS excited to see Ruda's torso as I am this French angel's. That is why I thought we should repeat a previous entry and have it featured, officially, in the Tuesday Tabs hall of fame.
Elle Macpherson ("Eleanor Nancy Gow" if you've known her since she was a kid) is taking the piss a bit in these pics, where she shows other girls what is possible at the age of 43. Good heavens, she is tidy! I mean, isn't she old enough to be my mother? She is, I suppose; if she had me when she was 14. Very possible. In the UK they pump our babies at 12. 14 is very attainable.
I hope to write a bit more today - I'm just a little jaded after a double-header this weekend. The explosive Friday night launch and party atWakame was followed up with The Entrepreneur's 30th on Saturday night. I missed the first Sunday night of the newly renovated Caprice last night and don't want to talk about it.
There was a stunning email going around this last week which contained an email conversation between a landlord's agent and the tenant. The topic was to do with the landlord's concern over the amount of people living in the house. The tenant's response was hysterical and the agent subsequently found out about the emails being sent around the internet - with hilarious results. (who talks like that?)
I thought this pic would just set the tone for the story
Read this in order:
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 4:03 PM
> >To: Michael Hustler
> >Cc: Tim Neville; Jonathan Kearins; Nick Babos
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Guys,
> >
> >During the last inspection it came to the owners attention that there is
> >more than 4 people living in the property. Please advise / confirm as
> >the owner has requested this information urgently.
> >
> >As there is only 4 people on the lease and the applications were
> >approved on this basis we must ask that the tenants (not currently
> >listed on the lease) to fill out and submit application forms
> >immediately.
> >
> >Once this has been done we will be in contact to advise if the
> >applications have been approved.
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 5:29 PM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >There is definitely not more than 4 people living in the house and never
> >has been. I will declare that formally if required. There may have been
> >a guest staying at the time (but I don't think so) but this is unusual -
> >unusual it would occur during the week that is.
> >
> >As you know Jade, we are 4 single young men making every day count. We
> >feel we are at the peak of our powers right now and sometimes this
> >involves us flexing it a little on the Sydney social circuit. I don't
> >proclaim to be a rock star but I am not a homebody either - my fellow
> >housemates will attest to this and I will attest to them in the same
> >vein. Some things transcend from heightened social stamina and one of
> >those Jade is over night guests. I think we both know what we're talking
> >about.
> >
> >So it seems we may simply be caught up on a definitional point. We only
> >have 4 people living at Trelawney but we do have guests quite regularly.
> >Babsy has more guests than Jonny for example but Jonny's standards are
> >higher - that's neither here nor there.
> >
> >We work hard and we play hard Jade and unfortunately the play spills
> >over a little but this does not constitute a breach of lease. All in all
> >I think we are excellent tenants and hold the premises in high regard.
> >
> >Please put this on the file.
> >
> >Tim
> >
> >p.s. about that dinner we have been trying to organize, how about next
> >week?
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Friday, 13 July 2007 11:16 AM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Tim,
> >
> >I've cleared it with the owners so everything should be fine now.
> >
> >I hate it when old people act like that. They probably haven't seen any
> >action for years. Old bastards causing me trouble!
> >
> >About dinner, I've fairly busy next week but Wednesday or Thursday night
> >are both free if that's okay with you. Let me know.
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Friday, 13 July 2007 4:41 PM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >I'm otherwise disposed on Wednesday, so Thursday it will be. How about
> >we meet at Hugo's at around 7 and go from there.
> >
> >Enjoy your weekend.
> >
> >
> >
> >Tim
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Monday, 16 July 2007 9:03 AM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Tim,
> >
> >That sounds perfect!
> >
> >See you then. Looking forward to it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Monday, 16 July 2007 10:08 AM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >I should hope that you are looking forward to it.
> >
> >Now no more talk until Thursday night. I want you to save up all of that
> >energy and excitement for then.
> >
> >Tim
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Monday, 23 July 2007 12:53 PM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Dear Tim aka Arsehole,
> >
> >Why the f*** are people calling me and emailing me about your email?
> >
> >I can't believe that you or your pathetic friends would be low enough to
> >forward it around the internet like that.
> >
> >
> >People in my office think I'm a f***ing idiot because of it. I could
> >lose my job over this!
> >
> >Maybe I should send an email around telling everyone how f***ing tiny
> >your cock is and how you were so useless in bed.
> >
> >
> >I hope you f*** off and die.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Monday, 23 July 2007 3:08 AM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >I might save you the trouble and forward this around on your behalf.
> >
> >While many people will certainly take offence to what I have said (and
> >already have), the majority of people will get a good laugh at how low
> >your self esteem must be to not only scramble around to save us from any
> >trouble with the owners, but to also sleep with someone who clearly has
> >no respect for you.
> >
> >As for the size of my appendage and my performance in bed, I find this
> >quite hard to understand. Not only do I have quite a few repeat
> >customers, but you yourself seemed enthused the other night. Unless you
> >were faking that. But if you do have the ability to fake coming multiple
> >times then you may wish to consider a career in a different industry. I
> >think we both know what I am taking about.
> >
> >I am sorry if you do lose your job over the email. However, as I was not
> >the one who forwarded the emails I am not THAT sorry. But if you do need
> >a job, then I may be able to make some use of you over at our place.
> >However you will not be able to live there: only 4 people on the lease
> >you understand.
> >
> >Tim
We've found the towel shorts we were chatting about the other day! [permalink]
Well I tell you I nearly fell off my chair today! You might remember those shorts I mentioned the other day; the shorts that Hilts was wearing. Remember I asked you very nicely to get yourselves a pair for the Atlantic Seaboard this summer? Anyway there were stacks of people emailing me to ask me to let them know if I found a local stockist with something similar - I had no idea. Then suddenly, a new UK clothing label (featured in Topshop) got in touch with me and told me about their shorts. Can you bloody believe it!? Check this out:
Yes, yes, yes! That's what I'm TALKING about!
I emailed the company back (Lalesso) and asked if they were stocked anywhere locally. YES is what the lady told me! They ARE being sold in Cape Town and I suggest you ladies get your gorgeous little asses to the following outlets IMMEDIATELY before they are sold out:
Nylon - Kloof Street
The Bin - Harrington Street
Blackbeard & Dare - Cavendish (soon, a week or so)
But the BEST way to get these shorts would be to contact Alice Heusser on alice@lalesso.com or phone 079 132 8841 OR visit the studio at 411 The Studios, 112 Buitengracht Street (call for appointment).
I've given you girls a lot of info there. Don't balls this up.
We haven't kept you TOO up to date with Britney because she does crazy stuff every day and it's too exhausting to follow. But you might have heard that she is in a bit of cuck with regards to her kids and her role as a mother.
So I thought you would enjoy these pics of Britney ahead of her CUSTODY BATTLE and CHILD ABUSE CHARGES. Clever girl:
I don't usually enjoy these kind of things, but this one is pretty good. Thabo Mbeki's inbox. It's nicely detailed so have a good look around. If you're not too up to date on your local news, you might not get THAT much enjoyment from it.
Morning morning! I'm feeling a little queezy so will keep it light this morning. I'm sure more will appear once I've had my Vida-e coffee.
Ok, you should take note that our favourite platinum vagina has graced the cover of the German GQ. Let's take a look at that.
Teddy bear - absolute killer
Nice.
I enjoy the granny-type yellow swimming trunks. I like how the elastic at the bottom stops and doesn't go tight against the skin. It's just nice to know that there is some good airflow there. There is nothing better than a woman taking off her granny-trunks and welcoming you to a neat, expertly groomed package, with nothing but new car smell.
I've never been a massive fan of Kylie's sis Dannii Minogue. Probably because one never knows HOW to be a fan of hers. I mean, what does she do? She just appears in various forms of undress in various lads mags. Is that it? 'Cos if all you have to do to be a fan of hers is perve her body in magazines, then, I guess I'm a fan!
Does she sing?
I know ansolutely nothing about this chick - other than this:
Causes internet sensation as she talks the biggest load of crap ever [permalink]
Please enjoy this. A clip showing Miss Carolina 2007 finalist, Lauren Caitlin Upton, answering a question as to why she thinks the majority of Americans are unable to find the US on a map.
She just starts mumbling and bumbling about Iraq and South Africa and Asian countries and education. Aaaah..... shame my babba.
An absolute treat:
Shame my babba!
Why don't you go and bake us some nice hot muffins?
thanks eric
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
We're doing stealth-cool this season, boys and girls, and those in the know have already agreed on this season's most sought after item. The Carlucci's shopping bag.
With the overflow of Louis and Chanel on the Atlantic Seaboard it will be the hard-to-find locally exclusive, absurdly cool, distinctive symbol of of things understatedly hot - The Carlucci's Bag.
Homer enjoys the Carlucci's bag
I got mine today.
As a regular at Carlucci's (one of the stop-offs on the Cape Town Super Circuit), one develops a rapport with the manager and people on the till. I gave it a full go this week and pumped our boy with a R10 note into the tip box next to the till (noting that there was a R20 there already - something they must SURELY plant there - to "set the tone" as it were). Anyway, he was impressed with my gusto and bid me an exuberant evening.
I went to Carlucci's again this afternoon after a very exciting pre-summer cheeky hour-or-two on the beach. I was escorted through the shop and advised on what a great response the new Graham Beck sparkling was getting. I was amazed at the hands-on approach to service I was receiving. Giving in, I grabbed five of the bottles as I was awarded what was as close as one can get to a virtual applause from our boy.
We got to the till after agreeing that some people were indeed going to the beach today. We had a brief prayer session hoping and pleading that this was indeed summer breaking through after the HORRIFYING four-or-so months of winter we had managed to survive (as we (spoilt Capetonians) spend the whole of summer lamenting over how much longer it will last). It was at this point that the guy said to me, "Look, I'm going to give you one of these bags," as he looked at me with an expression that indicates that this is quite a big deal. I was well aware of the coolness and exclusivity that surrounds the simple, clean, distinctive canvas bags and acted normal, just DYING to get out of the shop so that I could celebrate in private.
So that's it, people. I've got mine. I'm ready.
I'm seeing it on the beach this season; filled with towel, snacks, drinks, music, phone, wallet and pot.
Microsoft Paul Allen's yacht, Octopus, cruises into Cape Town [permalink]
I received an mms on my phone (Well, it's the HTC TYTN, so it's more a lifestyle than a phone) from The Marketer on Sunday morning. It was a picture he must have just taken on his phone (also a lifestyle). It looked something like this (click to enlarge) :
"Octopus" - read the message on the phone
Oh my sweet fuck, I thought to myself, as I dialed his number, urgently wanting to know if this was a prank, or if the fifth largest super yacht in the world, Octopus (the second largest not owned by a head of state) was actually docked in Cape Town.
"It's there," he confirmed.
I must say I was a little miffed that I wasn't first phoned, urgently, before time was wasted on taking a photo and mms'ing it to me. I mean, what if it suddenly had to leave!
I instinctively phoned The Entrepreneur and said I would pick him up immediately to go and have a look. We headed for the boat, two cameras on hand - just in case.
R100 got us through the security gate as we approached Octopus from behind (QUIETLY from behind). Enjoy these pics. Click to enlarge.
Octopus enjoys it from behind
A tidy shitter
A little chopper for the boys
Two words - Mind Fuck.
It's like nothing you can imagine. The boys on The Atlantic Seaboard swooning over their Gallardo's need to get everything into perspective and raise their game a little bit. Yachts like this shit out the likes of Cape Town's previous perves, The Ferretti 761 (you might remember when Caprice took us out for a day on the Ferretti), from the side of the yacht just to get to shore.
Noting the two luxury 4X4's parked next to the yacht, we agreed that although vast, wealth of this sort was certainly attainable. We just had to work a little harder. Please enjoy the helicopter on the back (one of three, including the Sikorsky S76). To the top-left of the zoomed in pics of the helicopter above, you will also note the basketball net above the garage.
I took the liberty of finding some pics on the web universe for you. These pics include, the submarine, the swimming pool, the downstairs bar and spa, a couple of the yacht's tenders (part of seven boats docked in the yacht's transom, used to fuck around with and get to shore).
Enjoy.
Here we see the naughty little Sikorsky S76 (one of three choppers) on the back
The pool deck. Note, the lower part of the boat in the pic is where
the chopper was parked earlier
A little bar and spa where we can hang out on jet ski's
Make it a Windhoek, ship-mate!
Octopus farts out one of the "tenders"
One of seven "tenders"
Aah, look! Another one!
A quiet sub
So that was quite fun, hey? I don't know how long the thing is in town but if it is still here you simply MUST try and take a look. It'll blow your socks off. It's parked at the harbour's "D-berth." Turn right at the first circle as you come into the Waterfront's main entrance - heading towards The Clocktower. Go straight and turn right at the next (might be one after) circle that comes up after that. Drive straight through and it'll be on your left. Look carfefully cos there is a building in the way. You can get to a fence facing the front of the yacht quite easily which is more than enough to enjoy it. Or you can be a little crafty and also try your luck getting through the gate on the other side. Wear your smooth-talking shoes and visit and ATM before you go.
It was all for you - this will blow your mind [permalink]
A number of you have been writing in asking for a follow-up on my earlier article entitled Johannesburg Undercover. I mentioned that I had a secret mission and was not able to divulge the entire story at that point. I needed a few things to unfold before this moment. The reason was that I was attending a fine car auction held by Sotheby's in Rosebank, Johannesburg.
The one lot at the auction was the number plate. "CA 3." I had previously mentioned to a friend of mine living in Europe (who has cars in storage in Cape Town for when he is here) that it would be the biggest salute to the 2oceansvibe lifestyle and mantra "Work is a sideline, live the holiday" if he were to give me the go-ahead to bid for the number plate and win!
I mean, imagine that! Imagine going to a fine car auction and bidding for a number plate and being in with a good chance; made all the more exciting with the foreknowledge that a well-known and respected wealthy Cape Town businessman and fine-car-collector was adamant of winning and would stop at (virtually) nothing to obtain Cape Town's rarest number to ever go on auction, ever.
Ever.
Now let's just back this up a bit. The last time I saw this number plate was eight months ago on a lady's car in Mouille Point (who lived in the block next to my office). My European friend who was in town at the time had just purchased his new (substantial) Cape-Town-car and we were taking a look at it in front of the hotel he was staying in. He is a smooth gentleman and certainly lives the absolute maximum 2oceansvibe lifestyle.
Acknowledging his vibe I suggested that the number plate CA 3 would take his car to new levels previously unknown to mankind. I explained that there were personalised plates around town (which end with the letters "WP") of which SOME were cool, but those in the know knew that the CA plates are more about stealth-wealth; in a sort of new vs. old money kind of way (The Kennedy's vs Footballer's Wives). He knew I wasn't fucking him around and agreed for me to leave a letter in the car's wipers offering to purchase the number plate for a healthy sum of money.
I wrote the letter and luckily the car window was open, as I placed it next to the gear lever.
I never heard another word for eight months when suddenly, out of the fucking blue, I was called by the family who own the number plate, saying that they had found the letter and the number plate was going on auction on Monday (this was on WEDNESDAY)!
The hamsters in my head were going MENTAL at this stage. The first thing I thought of was you. I NEED to make this happen for the 2oceansvibe readers. They WANT this. They NEED this. Christ, Africa needs this!
I pumped an email through to my buddy, saying that I had to go and get it for him. He agreed and POEF! I was off to Johannesburg to bid for CA 3, against one of the BIG GUYS. Would that not be what YOU, my precious readers would want? YES! YES IT IS! That is EXACTLY what you would want!
And it was GRUELLING. Head to head with the other guy bidding over the phone!
Mental!
Hysterics aside, we walked out and were swamped by reporters asking what planet we had come from. I hadn't planned this part and suggested they call me in the morning as my heart was going about Mach-8.
I called our boy and told him we had won. He was pleased and, regarding the reporters, agreed that his name should be omitted and this was a 2oceansvibe moment to please the readers. Seth Rotherham could prove, once again, how much he you adores you - using mainstream media! The ultimate prize!
And so, my sweets, THAT is why I have taken so long to report back. I couldn't pass this up.
And so, in completion, I have it for you in print and radio.
As Amy Winehouse gives us the real deal [permalink]
Just when you thought Rock & Roll was dead and Live Aid had taken over and hotel rooms would no longer be trashed, Amy Winehouse brings it in for the real thing. The Daily Mail reports that Ames and her boyfriend went on a ballistic drug-fueled bender in their hotel room and then ran around London with blood all over them and wounds to their faces, hands and feet.
AWESOME!
Old school rock
Whilst the likes of Bono are fraternising with The Pope and saving the world, it's nice to see rock & roll is alive and well. Kurt would be impressed.
As nation still believes he could take Wimbledon next year, irrespective [permalink]
The more hardened of you readers out there will be well aware that I run a pre-Wimbledon story every year about Tim Henman and how he has had to endure the annual relentless, unwavering, unfair, unreal expectations of a nation to win Wimbledon - a process which has confirmed every sportsman's fear of pre-game jinxing. Hence his retiring after 14 years never having won a grand slam, let alone being knocked out of the Wimbledon second round three years in a row.
Well done, guys - you've finally killed Timiny.
Timiny is to the Brits what Kenny is to South Park.
Tiger Tim gives one of his CLASSIC
power-punches HARD into the air.
BANG! POW! YEAH!
Fucken-A!
So there you have it. God, there is so much work to be done! I mean, all those action figures (with extras including "Henman Hill" with detachable fans), and play-play Henman teeth! Nope, this won't be easy.
This is not an article about Paris Hilton, as much as it is a request to the girls attending Camps Bay beach this upcoming season.
This is what I am talking about (click to enlarge pics).
Hilts shows us this season's Atlantic Seaboard shorts
You'll notice (apart from an apparent boob op) that Hilts is wearing similar shorts in both of these pics. One green and one white. I want you (girls out there) to take special note of the material, shape, hem and cut of these shorts. You've seen them before; they're generally made out of a kind of toweling material, always with a thick elastic at the top.
This is what I'm seeing this season on Cape Town's Atlantic Seaboard. Let's buy a few pairs of these, girls. And let's wear them. Wear them on the beach, wear them at Caprice - as long as you WEAR them.
Let's have a closer look at those guys.
Note the elastic around the waist.
Note the material.
That's what we're looking for.
Don't be shy of baby pink either (think Barbie). Or pink with white trim. Or vice versa.
Feel free to suck lollipops and act a little spastic when you walk.
Does daddy's little angel want some ice-cream? Is THAT what daddy's little angel wants?
Hmm. I don't know about THAT! Has the little angel been behaving?
Hey? Answer daddy!
"Yes, I have been behaving."
I beg your pardon?
"YES!"
Yes WHO?
"Yes, DADDY!"
That's better. Let's get the little babba some ice-cream.
