We finally get out hands on "No Matter" by Will & G [permalink]
God bless Chris T who saved us from certain suicide as he emailed us the song that everyone has been emailing in about. I must say it is quite embarrassing to be the last to know. It doesn't happen very often. I apologise.
But now, I must tell you about this song. For those of you who haven't heard it, it is nothing short of hilarious. It has clearly been made by Capetonians who are taking the piss out of everything. The words are very clever and it has a helluva catchy tune!
I knew the only way to test it for the summer was to play it in my car. I did and I tell you what, I fucking LOVED it! The chorus just makes you want to throw your hands up in the air and wave them around like (yip, you guessed it) you just don't care!
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR, and play this song on high volume in your car. Just do it now.
I have taken the pleasure in making two versions for you. The first is MP4 format for iTunes and the second is Windows Media format.
Can Dan Craig's eyes get him through it? [permalink]
I don't know what to make of this new Bond fella, Daniel Craig. There seems to be a lot of focus on his eyes. Check out the trailer below and decide for yourself. I'll wait for the movie. You know what I always say, "The proof of the pudding is in the eating". I made that up when I was a kid before my Mother used to bring the dessert to the table. You can go ahead and use it if you want. It makes sense don't you think? Because the proof of the pudding IS ACTUALLY in the eating! Some people don't realise that. Some people think that you can prove a pudding BEFORE you eat it. That doesn't make sense at all. The proof HAS TO BE in the eating. Idiots.
There is such hysteria on the streets about this weekend's Rocking The Daisies music festival that I am almost too scared to go. I don't know what to expect. I panic, then I jump for joy...then I panic...then I take three 100% herbal RES-Q anxiety pills and I am fine again. And then I spin out again. God it's going to be crazy. I just wish my parents were there to keep an eye on me. Don't worry, I'll be fine, Mum. I've packed my asthma pump.
The organisers of RTD have told me that I should warn the most valuable of the valuable - the 2oceansvibe readers, that tickets are vanishing faster than a mochito on a Friday afternoon. So here I am, naked, in front of you, trying to help you. I can't do any more. Don't tell me you never knew or that I didn't tell you. It's too late for that crap. Only YOU can make the decision. It starts Friday 29 September. Run away for the weekend. Run away with me. And then return, broken. Go to gym. Detox, etc. You'll be fine by Wednesday.
Sick
Tickets are R295 each if you buy beforehand or R325 at the door.
Getting closer to The Song of the Summer [permalink]
Since this morning's article about the "song of the summer" (below), we have received countless emails on the subject and it looks like we have made some progress. Whilst we still haven't heard it for ourselves, it seems a lot of you are very confident on the name of the song. We have received a number of suggestions - the most common is (which a lot of you are "100% definite") about is a song called "No Matter", by a local duo called 'Will & G'. It seems this song has both a Bee Gees type chorus AND mentions the "show me the money" line from the movie Jerry Maguire.
I must say, I am intrigued.
I have never heard of 'Will & G' and the song "No Matter" doesn't ring a bell. But it is you that I adore and if you, the beloved 2oceansvibe readers INSIST that it's a hot catchy song, then I will just have to wait patiently in anticipation.
So please, dear God, if someone out there has a copy of "No Matter" by Will & G, please send it to 2oceansvibe - where it belongs.
There has been a sudden surge of readers emailing 2oceansvibe about the new "song of the summer". From the sounds of things there is a new underground hit doing the rounds and it seems we need to get our hands on it.
Desperately seeking the song of the summer
I assume you're all talking about the same song. Everyone has claimed that it is a LOCAL song and has a rap feel to it. Some of you have said the song includes something about the "show me the money" line from the 'Jerry Maguire' movie and others have mentioned something about the "Bee Gees staying alive chorus". Without being rude, I am sure you understand that I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Looks like we're the only people that haven't heard it.
On that note I would like to set a new task for our beloved 2oceansvibe readers - if you have access to this 'song of the summer' that everyone seems to be talking about, PLEASE send it to me at editor@2oceansvibe.com so that I can finally have a listen to it and offer it as a download to the other valued, cherished readers.
That's all for now. I think we all agree that if there is a Cape Town "song of the summer" then it should be available on 2oceansvibe.
For now we would even be happy with the name of the song or the person/group's name that sings it.
Good luck with that and remember, we're all backing you.
I lose control when this moment arrives. That moment of the year where the weather is out of control, the right song is playing and nobody is bothering me. I stop and think to myself, "Well, fuck me, summer is here!".
I know we say it every year, but I REALLY think that THIS is the summer of our lives. It just feels so right. Sunday night at Caprice was a very real indication of the madness that is developing around this mental institution called The Atlantic Seaboard. With perfect weather and Monday being a holiday, I can honestly report that Caprice was completely and utterly "off it's tits" - I have never seen anything like it. Well done to all the girls who have clearly spent winter at the gym - good work angels!
I must apologise, as usual, to the ex-pats overseas as I present this view (taken right now at 11h00 on 27 September 2006) from 2oceansvibe headquarters. This is the view that one of the P.A. interviewees over this week will enjoy, should they land the job.
In the distance you can see Robben Island - the place where Francois Pienaar spent 27 years in prison before he was released and went on to win the 1995 Rugby World Cup which subsequently cured world hunger.
It can be a bad thing.....................Really? Can it? [permalink]
I received the following from Kevin B last week:
seth
so seeing those pics of kate has made me evaluate a dilemma i am having and hoping you can help....see i am seeing a girl at the moment who is basically a combination of kate moss and angelina jolie - not kidding...maybe also a little cameron diaz and sharon stone in the old days. And she LOVES sex, basically anytime anywhere she is up for it and its blowjob on demand except she doesn't look like a horse..she's an absolute bombshell! She pays her way too...! Problem is - I have NOTHING to say to this woman - we exist on completely different planets and to avoid the silence we just have sex...everywhere! Its been going on for months now and apart from being exhausted i need some mental stimulation. But she looks like kate moss...how do you walk away from that...???
Can you get bored of it?
Right. I will begin by saying that I am very impressed with Kevin B for coming out and saying it. All too often we find ourselves impressed with guys standing next to / pumping hot women and we don't get told the facts. We think they are 'smooth' and they have a certain charm that women find irresistible. We think they are genuinely happy. But, unbeknown to us, she is missing a digit or is an incurable kleptomaniac. The guy next to her won't tell you that because he is enjoying the PR. In a bar / club environment, a proud man wouldn't dare tell you the drawbacks of boning the trophy. He wants you to be jealous. He wants to be elevated.
It's like the clowns who pay Mavericks chicks to spend the afternoon with them on the Atlantic Seaboard. They're from out of town and want to look good at Caprice. But none of them realise that everyone around them is very aware that they can't even communicate with their dates, let alone find out Tiffany's real Christian/Russian name. All they can do is order another round of tequila's.
"Should we have another drink my baby?"
"Ya"
"You like tequila?"
"Ya"
"We have tequila then we fuck?"
"No"
"Why not, baby?"
"More money"
"I give you more money then we can fuck?"
"Maybe"
Then they hop in the rented Ferrari and go to the junior suite at the Radisson. These guys are hilarious.
You know what they say..... "If it floats, flies, or fucks........................rent it".
Just like our playboys from the continent, Kevin B finds himself in a difficult situation. His case is, however, slightly different. Kevin B's bird is hot, can speak english but he just cannot relate to her. He mentions that they "live on different planets". They have been boning, heavily, for a number of months now and our boy has realised that the situation lacks mental stimulation. This is a difficult situation.
Or is it?
I think the big thing here is to keep in mind that when things end with this girl that you might not pump a Kate Moss lookalike for quite some time. Are you sure you have pumped her enough to justify it to yourself when, a month down the line, you wish you pumped her just one more time?
Have you thought about that, Kevin B? You won't find true happiness with this girl and she has to go....... but let's make some hay whilst this sun is shining down on us!
Furthermore, has your exposure been maximised? Have enough OTHER hot girls SEEN you with her? Obviously this is a key opportunity to get them to chat amongst themselves about you - the guy with the absolute belter. What is it that you have? Or, more importantly, what is it that they simply MUST find out about you? You are immediately launched into their 'league' - this is a very important PR time for you.
So, I would say these are the two important factors that need to be realised before you decide to axe her, Kevin. Have you reached saturation point, physically? And, secondly, have you given yourself the appropriate exposure?
The other, more mythical option, is to transform her. You know........... teach her to use a knife and fork and stuff. You can can go ahead and try that but, trust me, you're wasting your time there buddy. Haven't you heard the rap line, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife"? Well, it's true - rappers know these things. They've been around the block. Sometimes the lady in the street disappears completely and the freak in the bed becomes all-encompassing.
So many things to think about and so many positives to be taken away from this. I just hope that we cover all our bases before we make the next move. We have to be careful out there.
So that's it, Kevin B - check those points and, if you think you've got everything covered.................axe her.
In a nice way. Because, after all, genuine happiness is everyone's goal here.
She will be upset and she will frighten you. A wounded animal is a dangerous animal, Kevin. Just be careful during this time. Maybe turn your phone off for a while. (You might remember what happened to Gabrielle)
Don't feel guilty. This is all perfectly natural and it will go away eventually. .Just remember Kevvo - it's not her fault, it's yours.
We'll just have a change of vibe here for a second. I just want to chat a bit about what actually goes on. I know it may seem to a lot of the beloved readers out there that Seth Rotherham probably inherited a large pot of gold before he had his first mochito, and I can't blame you for that. I do find myself surrounded by the finer things in life and, granted, beautiful women DO find that attractive. They want a better life and they truly can learn to love me. I will give that to them - in return for the loving and warmth that I need. I am an only child and I get scared. I also cry at night and long for my first love to come back.
Now let's get these panties off, my little princess.
Whaaah! Lag. But seriously folks, without getting all "property" here and indulging in real estate conversation that is as common as a car guard these days. I do have some property on the Atlantic Seaboard and, as regular readers will tell you, I do indulge in 'the real estate market' conversation from time to time.
I have some connections in the real estate game and I am very aware of the various commissions that are thrown around between bond originators and estate agencies. That is fair enough and that is how they make their money. Well done. You're commission driven. Fine.
So I bought a property on "The Atlantic" and had recently bumped into a friend of mine who was in the bond origination game. Because he was an old friend, and because I knew the game, I thought I would whisper in his ear.
(You can put a comma before "and" sometimes)
I called him one night and, in a muffled voice, asked him if we could "make a plan" with the commission. He agreed and it seemed that he would pay me back some for the commission that he earned on the deal, in exchange for doing the job through him. All very hush-hush, of course. I decided to believe it when I saw it.
It fucking happened! The sale went through and the money was deposited into my bank account. The feeling of guilt was astounding. For the next few months I felt bad paying for rounds of drinks at the bar with "dirty money". Honestly, I felt awful. I was about to buy another property - an apartment in Camps Bay, and I didn't know if I should risk doing the kickback vibe again.
(God, this Degrendel Savignon Blanc is DELICIOUS!)
And then I found out that there was nothing to worry about. It WASN'T EVEN ILLEGAL IN THE FIRST PLACE! Someone had started a company that did exactly that! How funny is that?! And then I realised how thick everyone in the bond origination game is! Here is a concept that is LEGAL but no-one has thought of offering it to the client. Honestly, it's brilliant. I met a guy from www.mymortgage.co.za who has started a company that has made the payback system their angle. God, it's so easy. They just don't pay the estate agent any commission!
And this is a new concept! It seems the average mortgage bond guy on the street is about as sharp as a beach ball.
Feel the rush of stealing - legally
So they give YOU the kickback. They pay for the bond registration fees (the legal crap) which is just less than 1% and they also give 0.05% of the value of the bond, cash back to you. It works out to a total saving of 1.3% which is bigger than the first month's payment on the bond. Are you listening to me? I love you and I am here for you, but I also want to help you. This is how I give it back to you, the faithful 2oceansvibe readers. I took out a R1m bond on my apartment and they paid about R8,000 in legal fees and then they gave me R5,000 cash. I'm fine with that. I don't feel bad about that. I can hold my head up high when I use it to buy another bottle of Dom.
Don't judge me.
I've done nothing illegal.
Thank me later, but for now, chat to these monkeys at www.mymortgage.co.za. Even better, call them on 0861-mymortgage (0861-696678, for the idiots).
I had never been to a 'no rules' fight before and had recently found out that Mikey from Caprice was involved in the PFA (Pride Fighting Academy). Mike is one of the Caprice managers so I had known him for quite some time. It had never occurred to me that he led a double life.
At Caprice, Mike is there for anything that comes up and he does it better than anyone. He knows about the importance of tabasco sauce and he even possesses a telepathic connection to the Caprice regulars. I have, in the past, received an sms from Mikey out of the blue on a beautiful day saying, "Holding a table for you on the street. See you shortly". How did he know I was available? How did he know that I was up the road in the safe house gazing out over the Atlantic Ocean, wondering what to do? Because he's fucking good at his job, that's why.
But then I went to the no rules fight club in February and found out that Mikey is a hero, with a massive following in another world that I knew nothing about. He gave me some tickets and I went through with a crew. No one in the group had been to one of these no rules fights and there were a lot of questions that needed answering. The big question was, "Do they wear boxing gloves". Well, I will answer that question for you right now. Have a look at the guy in the picture below who is busy CLEANING the other guy on the floor. Have a look at his boxing glove. It's virtually nonexistent. This is mind blowing stuff, people. It simply has to be seen.
"What did you call me?"
There is an eerie silence when queuing up to enter the fight venue. The inconspicuous door is down a small alley next to Moulin Rouge in Cape Town (cnr. Riebeek and Loop). After walking up three flights of stairs to the third floor, we finally got our first look into the venue. The ring is in the middle and is surrounded by chairs and standing room. Plasma screens surround the venue and relay images of the crowd forming, before the fights begin.
There was a buzz in the air that cannot be put into words. There were completely normal people everywhere. Hot angels, cute couples, dangerous looking men and the odd celebrity all share in the excitement. We grabbed a couple of beers and waited.
Someone climbed into the ring and announced the fight lineup. For each fight he announced, the fighters entered one by one into the ring. There were close on ten fights lined up for us. People were getting excited. Whispers like, "Wait for that guy to fight. He is fucking lethal" started to circulate.
It turns out another friend of mine, Johan, was, unbeknown to me, also involved in no rules fighting. He was in the first fight and gave us a good introduction to the sport. The fight lasted a number of rounds and we realised that there really were no rules. This is hard core shit. And I tell you something else, chicks dig it. Honestly - the whole scene is something to behold.
The fights went on and I was told that Mikey's fight would be the last one. The time came and he was in the ring with his opponent. Mikey, from Caprice, was in the ring in a no rules fight. This was exciting stuff. But I had no idea that we were about to be treated to one of the PFA's quickest knockouts. The bell went and the two fighters danced around each other for a couple of second. And then it happened, Mikey faked a left jab and then brought the right round like a ton of bricks into the other guy's head.
BANG!!!!
OH MY GOD! He fucking cleaned the guy!
The guy was out cold! Good night, sweetheart! I had never seen anything like it before. My eyes were the size of dog's balls.
The entire room went ballistic, people were going mad! Mike was running around the ring jumping and screaming like a man possessed! I could not believe what I had just witnessed.
So when Mike told me that they had organised another fight for this weekend, I simply HAD to tell you about it. I also managed to get a copy of his fight where he put the guy to sleep.
Shhh! It's ok my babba. Don't be scared. [permalink]
Whilst some of you are still frightened to go outside, I can ASSURE you that there is nothing to worry about. Seriously, it's time to get your tan on. If you can't tan, it's irrelevant because the point I'm about to make is not about tanning, it's about Mount Nelson's Planet Bar. That's right, friends - the only place in Cape Town which genuinely offers that 5 star fine lounging experience, is back. And this time they're not fucking around.
I must say I felt guilty not going that often during the winter, but it would just be foolish not to go there this Friday. The weather is looking peachy and they've reintroduced Goldfish as their Friday regulars. And it all starts today! They've also involved some key people to the Friday launch including a friend of mine, MUMM champagne.
Nothing wrong with that. The nice thing about champagne is just seems to attract supermodels. Again, nothing wrong.
The manager at the hotel told me not to say anything, but APPARENTLY Nick Goldblatt will be there. I can't say anymore on the subject.
Now regarding the whole Pluto not being a planet issue, I really don't know what to say. I have done some research and you can read some arguments here. The scientist who wrote the article ends off by explaining why there was a recent uproar over Pluto being stripped of it's 'planet' title. Whoever he is, claims:
"Pluto will always retain a special place in our hearts, having been considered a planet for over 3/4 of a century and with a NASA mission on its way to reach the Pluto-Charon system in July 2015, Pluto will not be forgotten".
Umm, whatever, freakshow. No one gives a fuck about that. The only reason people care about Pluto is it reminds them of the Disney dog that hangs around Mickey Mouse and Goofy. Fact.
Put that in your test tube, Case.
Anyway, seriously, do yourself a favour and get to Planet bar. Sit in the sun that hasn't set yet. Order a drink from one of the angels (they have a knack of hiring proper angels) and laugh at the fact that you are enjoying something that overseas visitors pay 10's of thousands of rands just to get to. Go play. Go play nicely. I'll buy you a drink. We will toast your success and max out our credit cards together.
Goldfish are playing from 18h30 to 21h00 and then things will probably go a little crazy. I don't know if you are aware, but people haven't been shy of staying at Planet bar until one or two in the morning.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that on a Thursday morning [permalink]
I took the blonde to Capella restaurant in Green Point last night and I am just trying to clear my head this morning. So, at the risk of letting you down again, I thought I would treat everyone to these STUNNING new shots of Kate Moss without her top on. She looks like she is having a good time. Actually, thinking back to my Metbar days in London during the late 90's, I remember her being loads of fun. Shame, she gets a lot of stick. People are very quick to forget how nice she looks naked.
"The high hits you within five minutes, followed by a caffeine boost 15 minutes later. The ride lasts for five hours and it is 350 percent stronger than Red Bull"
Believe it - 'cos it's true
Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves - the new Cocaine energy drink is coming to a VIP club near you! They're calling it "the legal alternative" and people are claiming it has similar qualities and effects to the illegal powder substance.
This is 100% true and has already been a feature at runway parties in New York. (We will ask The Stockbroker in New York to test drive some for us and report back). The New York Post article went on to quote Cocaine inventor, James Kirby, saying that he "cannot think of any other product besides real cocaine that could have the effect it does". It seems the effect is part psychological and part to do with the ingredients which includes a fuck load of sugar and vitamin B12.
People who tested it have reported that they "feel high", have a "tingly feeling" in their chests, experienced their hearts racing and even felt the effect of an ingredient that slightly numbs the throat to "add an oral sensation much like cocaine does".
Well, I think this is EXACTLY what the world needs. They should repackage all drugs as legal soft drinks so that we can all have a taste of the various highs experienced by junkies.
"Hi there, could I please get a double heroin on the rocks and a LSD crack for my friend over here, with a dash of speed please - literally"
"With pleasure Sir, would you like some crystal meth shooters with that?"
It also allows actual cocaine users to talk incredibly openly about getting, scoring or using the illegal drug. People can now literally shout across a room, "JOHN! PLEASE GO AND BUY US SOME COCAINE! FUCK YOU, I BOUGHT THE COCAINE LAST TIME".
I can see this all ending in tears.
They should make a new, local one here in South Africa called TIK - after the Cape Flat's drug of choice..
Try the new TIK in a can. It's completely legal and the high is pretty similar to the actual drug. It lasts for two hours, in which time you will genuinely want to murder people and steal.
"Try it! It's brilliant! I drank some last night and I killed two women and stole someone's car!"
New TIK in a can!
Get that 'killer feeling', legally!
Another outstanding South African invention [permalink]
Some of you might be confused by the new Vodacom ad running at the moment which features our very own Robbie Wessels. Robbie is one of our local Afrikaans singers and I can't help but laugh at his name clearly being the afrikaans version of Robbie Williams. It's like a friend of mine who is said to look similar to Brad Pitt. We call him Brad Smit - the South African version of Brad Pitt.
Anyway, The Fruit Farmer called me this morning to check if I had a full understanding of the Vodacom ad. I admitted that I hadn't focused on it and he went on to tell me that Robbie is singing (on the Vodacom ad) about a new dance called the "Leeuloop". For our ex-pats who have forgotten how to speak Afrikaans, this means "The Lion Walk". The dance has apparently become quite popular in the smaller, more rural parts of South Africa.
For those of you who have not seen it - please enjoy (ex-pats be careful, you could get emotional and home sick). For those of you who have seen it, I think you might need a quick recap.
The video begins with Robbie explaining that there is a guy sitting on a bar stool at a braai ('barbecue' for the foreigners) somewhere in Parys (South Africa's flagship Afrikaans stereotype town). He explains that the guy is eating his salad and he leans over and asks his wife very nicely if he can do the Leeuloop. He goes on to say that his mates had asked very nicely. Cute.
So, The Fruit Farmer explained exactly how the "Leeuloop" works. Just like there were special choreographed moves for the Macarena, the Leeuloop has it's own series of 'moves'. It's not very difficult and is strictly for men. It is quite simple and contains only three steps. This is how it works:
STEP 1: The hopefully inebriated, hopefully Afrikaans gentleman should begin by removing his clothes completely - after all, lions don't wear clothes. And if you want to walk like a lion, this would be a good start.
STEP 2: The naked man should now tuck his testicles between his legs and 'knyp' (squeeze) so as to keep them there.
STEP 3: The naked man with his balls between his legs should get down on the dance floor on all fours and walk around like a lion.
You can probably visualise the effect by now. The image you have in your mind will be something like this. This is an actual lion resting after doing a genuine Lion Walk. If you run the video again you will see it again (at the 15 second point of the video).
Absolutely fantastic! Once again, we as South Africans are filled to the brim with a sense of pride and achievement.
19 September , 2006 - (shortly before World War III began)
I HAVE HURT YOU
And for THAT, I will wash your feet - verbally [permalink]
My dear, dear readers,
I am standing before you, humbly apologising for neglecting you.
You arrived at work on Monday morning and you were fed up that the weekend had ended so prematurely. Somehow you knew that you were robbed of a day between Friday and Monday. Something seemed very unfair. You checked your email and poked your nose into 2oceansvibe. You noticed that Friday's article was still up and you were slightly annoyed that Seth hadn't prepared something for you to chew on. Although annoyed, you were confident that something would be up on the website by lunch time.
Lunch time came and there was still no article. You were starting to feel slightly used at that stage.
You cannot see it from where you are now, but I am typing with one hand and holding a brush in my other hand, with a bowl of water in front of me. I am disgusted in myself and I am washing your feet - verbally - and hope you can accept my apology.
But people don't accept apologies these days, do they? Noooooo Sir! That is not enough these days. These days people don't even want to hear the reason why you did what you did, or said what you said.
So I'm just going to have to step up security around the safe house and wait for World War 3 to begin.
Is that what people want? World War 3?
Watch the World very closely my darlings. It's coming to a head and we've all got ringside seats.
IN OTHER NEWS: In what is rumoured to be an eight figure deal, The Pope has commissioned Adriaan Vlok to wash the feet of all Muslims the world over. The cloth to be used will be a special 'thick skinned' chamois leather taken from the arse of Manto Tshabalala-Msimang.
On Sunday, 17 September. Shh Shh Shh Shh. [permalink]
The Kahuna Surf Academy is going ahead with a Guinness Book World Record surfing challenge on Sunday at Muizenberg beach . The record is for the most people surfing on the same wave at the same time. Fucking mondo dude! They're aiming for "well over 200" participants.
Miki Dora would have been there
Should you wish to join, you can get the entry form from www.kahunasurf.co.za - all participants will get a certificate and a R50 bill for their efforts. All money raised will go to the Shark Spotters organisation.
Apparently an 'anonymous' sponsor is paying for 10 previously disadvantaged kids to enter, INCLUDING their transport to and from the gig. Ja, I would also keep my identity anonymous - you don't want people knowing who you are when you DROP that kind of money.
Whether you join or not, I would definitely recommend going. It'll be quite incredible to watch. Just to be in the same company of some of Cape Town's biggest surf names would bring some people close to orgasm. Apparently Nick 'Da Cat' Goldblatt will even be there. Pack yourself a Chilli Peppers CD and a bong and chizeelio. Personally, I'll be making a fortune on the tables at The Palace at the Lost City this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love surfing. There is nothing like it. Just you and the board...finding yourself....point break, an 8 foot wave stand-up barrel, offshore winds. You get spit out of the tube 100 yards down the beach. You hear people hooting and hollering from the beach. That's what it's all about my good friends.
Cowabunga.
UPDATE: It seems they got the record - check out the CNN article.
We've had a great response from the first request for applications and, because of moaning and groaning from people who were too late reading the article, we are now extending the dates for applications for the job. Applications must be emailed in ASAP and the cutoff date is now September 20.
Breakdown of the job below, as well as a pic of the view from your desk which we did not include last time.
Cape Town's favourite P.A.'s view
As we say goodbye to Seth's current PA who has been exemplary, we wonder if the next chosen one will be able to make the grade.
We're looking for an angel aged 20 - 25, with their own car, who is clearly quite switched on and keen to learn. This entry level job will welcome the applicant into a job that offers something new every day, where you will have the freedom to create new systems and put forward your own suggestions. The experience you'll get from this job will get you into anything after a year or two.
You'll have days when you run your ass off and you'll have days that you're bored - but on the whole it'll be fun. You'll meet all sorts of amazing people, you will get freebies, you will get guest lists at clubs, you will get discounts at shops and you will get lunches at Caprice.
Apart from Seth's own personal mundane activities (including liaising with Mavis and forming a buffer zone between Seth and annoying people), you will be running around getting things done, shopping for gifts, sending flowers, standing by for contractors, writing emails, sending faxes and will be involved in the orchestration of three other exciting companies that form a part of the 2oceansvibe brand.
You have to be particularly bright, confident, presentable and brilliant with people and lying and manipulation. That was a joke.
So get moving and send in a brief one page CV and photograph to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "SETH'S PA"
When the wind blows, the party will rock [permalink]
I had a lot of options to play with in the headline there. I thought of going for the "when the groupies blow" angle, but it seemed to obvious. Nonetheless, we are PARTICULARLY excited about the upcoming Rocking the Daisies rock festival at Modder Rivier Farm, Darling, 75 km up the West Coast from Cape Town. Sounds too easy to me. The area is called 'Darling' - I'm not trying to be all Ab Fab this morning.
I like what they've done here - with the car....and the daisies...and the whole vibe in general. Takes me back to the 60's when I was busy courting your mother.
The organisers of Rocking the Daisies have basically played out of their socks. They have single handedly put together one of the biggest outdoor rock festivals Cape Town (and CERTAINLY 'Darling'!) has ever seen. And yes, they've got all of the 2oceansvibe favourites there as well. Try these names out for size : Dirty Skirts, Goldfish, Cassette, Parlotones, Finkelsteins, Louise Carver, 3 Bored White Guys, Spoonfeedas, The Rudimentals, Sitter, Hog Hoggidy Hog, Fletcher, Breakfast Included and much more.
It runs over three days from Friday 29 September to Sunday 1 October 2006. It's on a farm and it is a festival, so, yes, we're talking camping here people. Take food. Take meat. Take vegetables (I believe mushrooms keep very well). I also wouldn't rule out a bit of Swazi to keep you warm.
That's right, you heard me! I managed to get the organisers of Rocking the Daisies absolutely smashed the other night and convinced them to give me 10 tickets to give away to you, our cherished, precious (precocious?) 2oceansvibe readers!
So what do you have to do to win tickets? Quite simple. Send an email to editor@2oceansvibe.com and tell us WHY you should win the tickets. The best entries will win tickets. The giveaway will end when there are no more tickets left to give away - which I think makes perfect sense.
Paris Hilton has been arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. She was cruising in her Mercedes Benz McLaren SLR. Hah! You gotta give her a smile for that - Come on! It's hilarious. Not the Mercedes-Benz 500SL or 600SL that all the princesses buy, but the McLaren SLR! Whaaah! I really find find that funny. And attractive. It makes her hotter in my eyes. The McLaren SLR beats the 500SL. Paris wins. Paris gets fucked.
Sorry about that.
So she was driving with Rod's daughter, Kimberley Stewart and was pulled over for driving like a pissed person. She was arrested and later released. Obviously she claims that everything has been "blown out of proportion".
You can read the rest of the rest of the story here, that's not what I care about. What I care about is that when the officer was asked whether or not Paris tarted herself up for her mug shot, he replied that she certainly "didn't look like Nick Nolte". I laughed at that and wondered what exactly they were talking about. He said it as though EVERYONE knows what Nick Nolte's mug shot looks like. After a little stroll through the interweb, it all became clear. PLEASE enjoy Nick Nolte's mug shot!!
I had heard that some friends of mine had opened a new restaurant in Noordhoek and was waiting for the big call, inviting me for a taste. Weeks went by and I heard excited reports from other friends saying what a great time they had at "Cafe Roux". From the reports, it sounded like the kind of place one could spend an entire afternoon in the sun, outdoors, with a generous supply of white wine with-a-large-glass-of-ice-on-the-side-please. I knew I would enjoy it and knew that, if I went, I would want to write a review on it. I didn't like the idea of paying for the meal AND giving them a review, so I waited patiently for the call that never came.
Cafe Roux Restaurant - Noordhoek
Owner Paul le Roux, FINALLY sent in the email.
Rotherham,
Le Roux, here
When are you coming to have lunch at Cafe Roux?
All complimentary of course...
Cafe Roux
Hah!
Got him!
I replied:
Ja well WAKE UP LE ROUX HOW LONG HAS IT TAKEN YOU?!!!
I get everyone telling me how amazing the bloody restaurant is and I keep on having to call Jimmo Winter to check if Vodacom is working cos my effing cellphone seems to be broken because Paul le Roux MUST BE TRYING TO GET HOLD OF ME!
But TODAY seems to be my lucky day!
Saturday or Sunday?
Seth
That was on August 31. I've been twice since then and ate the same thing both times (I paid the second time). You would think that if you're blown away by your first meal in a restaurant, that you would try something else the next time. True, but unfortunately I had the steak roll with garlic mayo and God knows what else on it. It's quite hard to order anything else after that. I might try something else next time which will be equally incredible (the rest of my table were close to licking their plates), but then what about the steak roll?
There it is. That's what you've been looking for.
Cafe Roux, Noordhoek
With the combination of gourmet-style presentation, delicious plates, perfect portions and an outdoor La Med-of-old environment, you'll realise that this is what you've been looking for (there's even a bar to keep your eye on the rugby). Our super-human waiter, Deo, was our unique taste of a completely unpretentious staff compliment, which manages to give you 10 out of 10 service, with smiles that can only come from a team that is well rewarded behind the scenes. I must say, it was expected - after owning and running Bishopscourt's premier guest house, "The Bishopscourt", Paul and Bernadette le Roux, together with Paul's sister, Lindi, are made for the service industry - it is quite evident that these people adore what they do. They possess something that is all too rare these days...........passion.
Cafe Roux's "All day breakfast".
Don't rush your morning
Well, it's more a lifestyle, than a chocolate brownie.
It doesn't stop there - after an indulgent morning or afternoon at Cafe Roux, you'll be pleased with the added bonus of a very user friendly bill. You'll be paying just below what you expect to pay, which works for me. Then you can return to reality, which is not as far away as you'd imagine. Cafe Roux is part of the Noordhoek Farm Village (on your left as you exit Chapman's Peak on the Noordhoek side) and is a mere 10 minutes from Hout Bay and 20 minutes from Camps Bay.
I know, it's all too easy.
Take your friends, take your family and chill out. You need it.
I am easing myself into South Africa's new reality series, Survivor (MNET, Sundays at 6, just before Carters). I am sure there will be loads to say in the upcoming weeks, but for now I'm just trying to understand the different personalities on the show.
Whilst I am perfectly happy with the host, Mark Bayly, I think these first few episodes are an important time to focus on the more annoying contestants. Contestants we can keep an eye on. Contestants we can judge and be angry with. Contestants who remind us of people that we run into everyday who we can only feel sorry for.
Joost van der Westhuizen eclipses Manto's vegetable patch display last week, by presenting the Springboks with the Tri-Nations Rugby Freedom Cup trophy (for the winning team of the entire tournament), instead of giving it to New Zealand. Joost claims he was told the wrong thing. It seems that Joost and Manto suffer from, what I call the 'Supersport Syndrome' which is the term we use when describing someone who is incredibly shit at their job, but they just don't realise it. Besides the obvious candidates in the studio, including Joel Stransky, Supersport Syndrome can also be seen in the early stages of Idols where contestants cannot believe they didn't make it to the finals. You'll see signs of this syndrome virtually everywhere you go in South Africa.
Shame
Oh, ok Joost, so after captaining and playing international rugby for a million years, you were unable to work out that you were being told the wrong thing? You weren't able to think for yourself - is that what you're saying? If you can't use your limited brain capacity and insist on doing whatever you're told, even if you think it's wrong, then why don't you listen to me and fuck off?
Just as the country is up in arms with Manto not being fired after she is clearly a global emboerrissment, why is no-one complaining about the likes of Joost van der Westhuizen and Joel Stransky? THIS IS NOT YOUR CALLING, GUYS - YOU ARE SHIT AT WHAT YOU DO AND YOU ARE NOT VERY BRIGHT. Being in the public eye, I'm sure you're used to varying opinions and you realise that some people might not agree with you, but please believe me that this is a FACT, not an opinion. Please go away and leave us alone! Nashua MUST have a job for you.
[Previous articles mentioning this character include "'Joost' sounds like 'doos'"]
2oceansvibe are busy acquiring video footage of Joost's historical mishap. Watch this space.
I promise it won't be boring or complicated [permalink]
Similar to only getting involved in the Currie Cup when it hits the semi-final stages, you might want to lose your Formula One hangups and start watching. You're looking at the final stages of one of motorsport's most famous seasons.
Michael Schumacher won the Italian Grand Prix on Sunday and, due to Alonso's car exploding during the race, closed the gap to only two points between the two maniacs. Schumacher added to the excitement by announcing his retirement after this season.
Let me give you the facts so you're up to date: There are three races left this season. Alonso is leading by two points. (You get 10 points for first place, 8 for second, 6 for third, 5 for fourth, 4 for fifth, 3 for sixth, 2 for seventh and 1 for eighth). If Schumacher wins this season then this will be his eighth World Championship win (Sunday was his 90th race win, by the way).
You'll find it exciting now, trust me. Get involved people, you can pretend to your grandchildren that you watched the whole season.
The Cape Town International Comedy Festival is off to an incredible start. I attended the grand opening last week Monday at the Baxter and had an awesome time. They launch the Danger Zone this week. You don't get more radical hilarious comedy than this.
The Danger Zone opens tonight. I'll be there with bells on. The Angel is being rested as The Kitesurfer gets the call up.
Tourists in Cyprus are convinced they saw the Tall Blonde Guy [permalink]
I must say, I do get quite a few fake TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sightings and they're pretty easy to tell apart from the real thing. You see, you can't beat the real thing. The TBG is the Coca-Cola of tall blonde people and when you are presented with his image, you can just tell. It is the heat that people have felt radiate from his body. The "aura" that has been mentioned so many times and yes, yes, that trove of golden locks and ocean blue eyes. It becomes very obvious. Like these new pics we received from someone who recently holidayed in Cyprus.
Hey Seth,
I must apologise for failing you and only being able to get this long range shot of the TBG. But I assure you it is him. I have just come back from a holiday with my wife in Cyprus and there is a local restaurant on the water where we had lunch on most days. On the second last day I decided to leave the camera at the house because we had done most of our tourist pictures. My wife nearly drove her steak knife through my heart when the TBG walked into the restaurant and took a table two away from us. I couldn't believe what was going on. It was like the worst luck mankind has ever known. He was sitting with an also tall blonde girl (very pretty). My wife approached the great force and told him how blessed we were to be in the same room as him. He laughed and GOT UP AND GAVE HER A HUG! Needless to say I have not allowed her to bath since then. Only kidding. But he WAS just the most incredible sight - with a smile that could power Eskom for 100 years. A true ray of light. Only now do I believe that he can heal children and speak in tongues.
We told him we wished that we had our camera and he said he would be in the area the next day. We hung around the restaurant in the morning and had to leave from the jetty at lunch time for a boat trip. Lunch time came and we got on the boat - WOULD YOU BLOODY BELIEVE IT - HE ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT!!! WE JUST MISSED HIM. I put my camera on high res mode and took these shots. If you zoom in on the shots there is no mistaking him. PLEASE believe it is him and PLEASE don't say it's fake because it's not. Rather just embrace these pictures. The TBG was in Cyprus last week and that is a fact!
I love you TBG and so does my wife.
Simon R
The TBG's companion seems annoyed at the camera
The TBG is alerted
You can't mistake the real thing
God, you are incredible, TBG!
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the TBG. Well done, Simon R! You and your wife have just experienced a once in a lifetime holiday. How wonderful for you to go home and tell your friends that you basically 'hung' with the TBG in Cyprus. The holiday of a lifetime!
Shame, Hilts was bounced on her ear this week when she arrived at her flagship club haunt, Bungalow 8, who were busy hosting the VMA's after party. Jeez that's emboerrissing, Pazza! Especially after she PUNISHED boob-central, Tara Reid last week.
On the streets in tomorrow's Vanity Fair [permalink]
And here we have it! Finally! Tom and Katie's little alien. Notice how Tom and Katie decided to have their own child, unlike Angelina Jolie who prefers to adopt. And yet Tom and Katie still get a Cambodian child that looks like Maddox.
Weird.
UPDATE: HERE ARE SOME MORE SURI PICS
I THINK THIS WILL BE ENOUGH FOR NOW
I don't think you can get better than this. Out of everything in the world, this is the best. Are you with me? This is the best THING in the world. Our friend below sent the following into a PR company in Belfast.
Dear "Stakeholdergroup",
After having my eyes lasered a month ago I've been mobbed by people in
Belfast asking to have their photographs taken with me because I look
like David Hasselhoff and I reckon that I could use this unusual
talent for PR events.
I live in East Belfast, so its pretty easy for me to turn up to local
events. My telephone number is xxxxxxxxxxx.
I have a degree in Business Studies too that specialised in Marketing,
so I might be able to help you in other ways.
After ignoring you since Thursday, I couldn't POSSIBLY not have something ready for you on this GORGEOUS Monday morning.
Before I climb into that, you might be shocked to know that Steve Irwin, the crocodile guy, died about 40 minutes ago. I know, weird - you just don't think that Steve Irwin can die. He was killed by a stingray, not a crocodile - even more weird.
So there we go, a somewhat shocking start to the morning which will now get even more shocking when you see what Kevin Federline has done to the disc brakes on his Ferrari that "he bought".
Firstly, this is what Ferrari Disc brakes normally look like. They have the name "Ferrari" on the mechanics:
But I'm afraid freakshow has made some changes to his Ferrari. Please enjoy:
We asked you last week to help out and vote for the Dirty Skirts to win them a place at the MTV Motorola Alert music event in Newtown, Jo'burg on September 16.
Get in your Merc with it's special seat and don't look back [permalink]
I think this is the first time I'm actually mentioning Manto Tshabalala-Msimang's name on this website. The issue of her taking turnips and the rest of the vegetable patch to the AIDS conference overseas was too ridiculous for me to cover. I did a short mention in the 2oceansvibe newsletter (subscribe above, tool) which said:
There has been a blizzard of media interest with regards to our very incapable minister of health, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang (we'll just call her "Manto" from now on I think). The noise has to do with her (our) presentation at the World AIDS conference overseas. Each country had to put forward their various techniques and methods they are investigating and using with regards to handling the AIDS virus in their respective countries. OBVIOUSLY our table consisted of a turnip, some parsley, garlic and sweet potatoes. Naturally she was laughed at and might lose her job. Naturally she claims that people have the wrong end of the stick. I just find it hilarious that she made headlines literally 3 days before the uproar because she had recently taken delivery of a R1million Mercedes Benz which had extras including A SPECIAL SEAT FOR INCREDIBLY SMALL PEOPLE! Those were pretty much the exact words they used in the paper. Hilarious! And then, just as we find out what our health minister's name is (and how short she is), we are bombarded with her ludicrous behaviour overseas. Within two weeks she is now (finally) a household name! Nice one, Manto!
Manto.....?
Oh THERE you are!
And that was that! That was all I said about her. That whole Manto saga happened TWO WEEKS AGO. I mean, you ASSUME she's fired and the next time you'll hear her name will be in a punchline.
But now....two weeks later, I am STILL hearing about SOMEONE ELSE calling for Manto's head. TODAY, Zackie Achmat is APPEALING to his fucking COMRADES to SUPPORT his call for her to RESIGN.
OH MY GOD!
ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL APPEALING?
Are you kidding me?
Is this a joke?
Get the fuck out of here, MANTO!
This is not brain surgery guys.
Please, dear God, can someone get rid of this cow and not let this drag on for any longer. Between SA Rugby and the Adriaan Vlok feet washing machine, I don't think I can handle any more.
