You should have seen the photos by now and would have enjoyed the scene which occurred at Newlands stadium the day before yesterday. To recap, a fan who had probably imbibed a few quaffers found it necessary to run, dive and attempt to manhandle South Africa's Rugby World Cup trophy, whilst it was being held by St. Bryan.
Enjoy this little fuckshow.
Contrary to popular assumption, the gentleman was, apparently, not an English supporter.
Bikini shopping spree at laLESSO goes to Laura B [permalink]
Thanks to all the girls that sent in pics in response to the laLESSO summer clothes saleshopping spree offer we gave yesterday - 'el but we were knocked out by the entries! But, sadly, there can only be one winner..... And that winner is none other than Laura B.
You might onthou a feature I did on Cape Town's Wine Exhibition called.... yup, you guessed it - WINEX! The article had what could be described as a negative tone, but very necessary I thought at the time. The article was later published in Playground Magazine which produced responses largely in agreement. That was before they did the Winex Johannesburg Show..... I seem to have been vindicated.
Winex, South Africa's worst event
..ever
I was copied in on the following email sent to the organisers.
Check this out - they fucked it again.
Dear Whomever
This is a note to register my contempt for your show, and express my disgust for your obvious contempt of wine culture. Winex is an absolute disgrace and embarrassment. It appears to have been arranged by the atypical alpha-wolf marketing manager's secretary, in a B-grade brand owning organisation. You have absolutely no concept nor sensitivity to ambience and experiential production, and really just seem to be geared at taking peoples' R90. The SA public just continues to swallow sub-standard shite like you dish out, but not me, missy. Fortunately, my highly-paid (yet moderately taxing) financial services job gives me access to many of the obvious marks that you target, and I am warring a comprehensive boycotting campaign until you actually step up and honour the industry and the lemming public that you clearly hold in such contempt.
Apologies to those of you who have been experiencing a delayed response to emails you may have sent me. I have a new laptop and the transfer from the old one is taking time. It also doesn't help that I am using my tongue to type instead of my fingers - such is my desire to lick this laptop ALL THE TIME. Have a little look on the "internet" for the Sony Vaio VGN-TZ17GN... Mmmm, you know you want it...
Right, ok, here we are... Tuesday el Tabbo's! Today I chose the wonderful Sophie Anderton who shot to fame as one of the earlier Wonderbra models. I was a lot younger at the time and I remember being really knocked out by her. I haven't thought about her for some time, although I'm sure she thinks of me CONSTANTLY.
So I revisited her today, and this is what I found....
She has a LOVELY set - I really enjoy this spec
Obviously post argument - awesome
You'll notice we are still looking for someone to replace Francois Pienaar as the tit that hides the tits. Throwing some ideas around.....
The response to LALESSO's cheeky little shorts featured in an earlier article, was nothing short of RADICAL! It is for this reason AND the fact that I just love LALESSO's shorts and bikini's and vibe, that I think it important to tell you about their sale they are currently having.
YES! YES!
MORE! MORE!
Yip, those are the shorts we chatted about last time. Aren't they just the shit? Please GO TO THE SALE URGENTLY and get those shorts, my little angels. Please, for Daddy!
Oh but wait, there is MORE! I also found out that PRICES START AT R10 AND WITH EVERY PURCHASE YOU GET A FREE BIKINI! (while stocks last)
That's right! You heard me - FREE fucking bikinis!
God, I love bikinis! In fact, I think I love laLesso. I want laLesso inside me.
Have a look at this.
For those of you who know your stuff, they're even selling Topshop stock and the new 2008 range. If you're a guy and you're clever, you'll be there too. It's too easy - snap up some Christmas prezzies and summer clothing for your angel and you mom at wholesale prices! You'll be a hero!
God, what a wonderful concept! What a wonderful day!
Here are the details:
The sale is on FRIDAY
From 12h00 to 18h00
112 Buitengracht St
411 The Studios (opp. Heritage sq. Just before FTV Cafe)
Go there now, angels, PLEASE!
This is SUCH good news. I'm so excited!
IN FACT, because I don't currently have a girlfriend, I will PERSONALLY spend R500 on one of you. Do you like the sound of that? Me too. This is how it will work. If you think you're cute, send me a pic of YOU (don't cheat, it won't work out) in something summery and my favourite entry will be escorted on a R500 shopping visit to LALESSO! AWESOME! Let's get our bikinis on, girls!
Bus making it's way through town - right this very second! [permalink]
John Smit's phone doesn't have MMS so he was unable to send us a pic at this exact point in time, as the Springbok bus is currently making its way around Cape Town. I asked if he thought it was going well and he replied, "so far I would say it's going well." Clearly tongue-in-cheek, as we note it is nothing short of a fuckshow! Luckily The D.J., who is also on the bus, has a phone which can MMS:
Mayhem. Pure mayhem.
It's a DOG SHOW!!!! But definitely looks like fun. I went into town to get a PC-CARD/USB adapter (which is no longer being produced, I was told by the uber-geek) and there were ALREADY people lining the streets - at 10am! Jeepers Hudders!
We were impressed with that pic, but needed to get closer. So we got this right now from The Loose Forward, taking a photo of our boy who doesn't have MMS on his phone, The Barn Dog - John Smit.
John Smit - making his cola-wars choice QUITE clear
We're hoping to get a short vid together from on top of the bus, but can't guarantee anything at this point. I've think we've done well so far.
What a wonderful place we live in.
I'll end off with a classic quote from somewhere in The Free States - "BOK BEFOK" - stunning!
Speaking of which, a big congrats to the Cheetahs on winning the Currie Cup and, in particular to Nick Goldblatt, who hails from "The States."
Chat later.
Whoah! Look at this!
UPDATE
Oh my God - The Loose Forward has gone above and beyond the call of duty and has managed to capture a MESSAGE FOR THE 2OCEANSVIBE READERS from Butch James, Schalk Burger and John Smit, whilst on the bus.
It's all a bit much! Look, the quality is not very sexual, but YOU try receive a video message on your ticky box and have it in Youtube in under 10 minutes..
Lucky lady gets a double whammy in one day! [permalink]
A bird in the hand was clearly better than killing two in the bush with one stone for this young lady! My inbox has been involved in a bit of self-mutilation of late and, as a result, thisTBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting was nearly gone forever! It is quite staggering that a sighting of this magnitude could hide away for so long after its inception - at this year's Rocking The Daisies festival. Have a read over this and see how lightning truly CAN strike twice...
Hey Seth
So there I was at Rocking the Daisies in mid fight with the barman who had totally ripped me off by pouring me a quarter cup (yes cup) of wine. As I moved over to the next barman, who very kindly filled it up for me (check pic) I also noticed he had the most amazing mullet. Did anyone else notice the apparent mullet craze there? WTF?
Anyway, I turned around and all of a sudden this flash of white hair caught the corner of my eye. I had to do a double take and it was like everything around me went black and this heavenly light fell down on him. I knew at once that I had found him….. THE TBG.
It was like everything went in slow motion after that as I started running, pushing, leopard crawling, ANYTHING to get to him! Just imagine that Olympic music in the background as I made my way to him. I couldn’t contain my excitement and me being drunk did not help my loudness as I screamed “Oh my god, it’s him…. its the TBG!”
I think I must have embarrassed him a bit as he looked a tad bit uncomfortable as I was frog-hopping people and screaming at him to try and get to him. But he kept his composure and was probably gritting his teeth while he smiled and posed with me but nonetheless, he was every bit the gentleman.
And as if it was a sign, my friend just happened to be walking past us at the time with his camera and took a picture for me. What timing!
But there’s more! As if my day couldn’t get any better, I even saw him again in the evening, that’s twice in one day, people! Its like some kind of a miracle…. and once again, yes, you guessed it, I pointed and screamed “TBG!!!”
Man, he must have a lot of patience to put up with the loud, drunken Nikki.
What a legend.
Nikki T xxx
Staggering! Absolutely STAGGERING! And what a way to start this new week - with more reassurance that the great emblem still walks among us. Just checking on things - maintaining happiness, as well as the obligatory healing of children and mending of hearts...
Don't ever leave us, TBG, life is naught without you..
Don't try and be clever and ignore what I have for you here. Trust me, you NEED to listen to this - the first minute at the very least. It's just SO Friday morning. Listen to the whole thing if you can. God it's so good I want it inside me.
Feel it with me...
LOOK AT ME whilst you listen to it...
Look at me LIKE YOU MEAN IT!
...
What?
I was teasing, baby! I was just playing...
I...I.. just thought you were keen for that kind of shit.
OF COURSE we can watch a DVD instead my baby!
Seriously, I'm VERY relaxed...very happy to snuggle..
Are you warm enough? ...should I get you a blankie? Your thermals?
The Beatles Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
It was twenty years ago today,
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you
The act you've known for all these years,
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band,
We hope you will enjoy the show,
We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band,
Sit back and let the evening go.
Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's lonely,
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
It's wonderful to be here,
It's certainly a thrill.
You're such a lovely audience,
We'd like to take you home with us,
We'd love to take you home.
I don't really want to stop the show,
But I thought that you might like to know,
That the singer's going to sing a song,
And he wants you all to sing along.
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Billy Shears
And Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
I received this pic quite some time ago and forgot about it completely. It was taken at The Redback Tavern- arguably London's greatest meat market - somewhere in the region of Chiswick and Acton. All I know is it is next to a police station. The very same police station that The Rugby Player/Model and I foolishly urinated against which resulted in our subsequent arrest and full night in a jail cell (Mum, I think it's time you knew this). I couldn't believe it was actually happening and remember explaining to them that I was a Senior Corporal in the cadet corps at school and was therefore also part of "The Force" and should be exempt from any hard time. To no avail...
Anyway...
Charming
Our digs, dubbed "The Blue", on Bollo Lane in Chiswick (opposite Bollo House restaurant and pub) was conveniently located about 3km down the road from The Redback. After a number of weekly visits to the meat market, we became seasoned professionals and sometimes wouldn't even bother going to the place - but still managed to maximise the potential of fairer patrons (including that psycho who was obsessed with Michael Schumacher and honestly believed I was him).
What we would do is go out to finer London establishments, such as The Metbar (I had the same name as one of the members who never went there and we spent two years hanging around the likes of Liam, Marilyn, Moss, Spacey etc. - nothing short of hilarious) and, just before 1am we would get a cab back to "The Blue," get in our 19God-knows-what automatic Peugeot and scoot down the road to The Redback Tavern. At 1am on the dot the bouncers would empty out the entire establishment onto the street and pavement. That is when we would saunter from around the corner and pretend to be a part of the gathering that had been thrown out.
"I can't believe it's over!" we would moan to groups of girls.
"I know! We were having such a good time!" the various poms, ozzies, kiwis and saffers would respond.
And that is when we would deliver what I think was a stroke of genius...
"So are you girls going to the after party?"
"WHAT AFTER PARTY??!!!" they would shriek.
"It's down the road! We're definitely going. Don't worry about an invite - we know the guys! Get in the kaa and we'll take you there!"
That's when we would pump a call through to The Silent Assassin for him to get some music ready aysap.
I've had these pics of Anna Kournikova on my desktop for quite some time, wondering how to feed them onto 2oceansvibe without it looking like all I do is focus on hot chicks. Luckily her "boyfriend" (whatever), Enrique, is holding a concert tomorrow and Thursday night in Cape Town. What a great excuse to show some up to date pics of everybody's weak spot, Anna.
With Enrique, bum side:
Without Enrique, front-bum side:
Stunning!
Incidentally, tickets are still available for Enrique's bar mitzvah at Grand West. Even Golden Circle tickets...
I must say, I was tempted. There will be ALL SORTS of angels there...
Then you could show off and take the beautiful babies gambling right there afterwards and blow all your money and wait until 12 and draw some more from the ATM's when a new Daily Limit starts and blow that as well and have to borrow money for parking from the birds who remind you what a fucking loser you are as they walk off flicking a five rand coin over their shoulder which hits you in the eye.
A final goodbye to Francois Pienaar as we celebrate India's Paris Hilton [permalink]
Wow. What a moment this is! We enter into a new year of Tuesday Tabs and at THE SAME TIME we bid farewell to Francois Pienaar. A man who spent a FULL YEAR on this website, adding to his EXCESSIVE OVER-EXPOSURE that we as a nation have had to endure for the last 12 years.
We caught up with Francois this morning who had this to say:
"Whilst the rumour that I wanted the Springboks to lose the World Cup is certainly not true, the chance of not being associated with so many fellow tits on the pages of 2oceasvibe, truly was my biggest worry. But now, it is done - I am finished. Good luck to the next Tuesday Tabs Tit; I can't WAIT to see who it is!"
Pretty emotional stuff from Francois Pienaar, whoever that is.
Anyway, on to this week's Tuesday Tabs. We have no idea what her name is. All we know is she is India's Paris Hilton lookalike. And a bloody good one at that!
Click for NSFW version.
Ay man! She look like Paris Hilton man!
Top of the raaaange!
It was either that headline, or "Can You Imagine Hugh Bladen?"
Seriously though, I visualised him drowning in a sea of empties surrounding the microphone - beer cans, whiskey bottles, port - strewn EVERYWHERE - drooling from the side of his mouth, in a hysterical moment of demented celebration, giving it one last "UN BE LIEVABLE!".
Francois who?
Fuck it's great winning. It feels so good. Oooh ja das goedt! What feels even better is not having to deal with the poms winning. Can you imagine?! Christ, it would have been EXHAUSTING! They would have without doubt GENUINELY CONVINCED themselves that they are the greatest rugby team ever. It is GREAT to watch them. That beautifully tranquil blind naivety they exude when it comes to sport. This includes the "The Tim Henman Effect" which is carried out by the british press before every sporting event - the pre-event celebrations that effectively jinx their sides from winning - treating us to the subsequent display of utter devastation when they find themselves dropped from such a dizzy height. Stunning comedy! Even better is trying to find the rugby coverage on SKY News. What a lag. They basically mention it in passing. And on to the weather...... a slightly less darker cloud today, with 20 minutes of sun in Milton Keynes at lunch time.
For those of you tuning in from another dimension (we take a moment to think of The Fabrics Guy, who found himself in China for the final), South Africa won the Rugby World Cup on Saturday.
So here we are, once again, being treated to a LIVE full frontal display of emotion, courtesy of the world's WORST losers. It's too beautiful for words. And everywhere I look I see they're all holding on to that moment in the game where a try was not awarded. Jesus guys, look at yourselves - the score was 6 - 15 - EVEN IF YOU GOT THE TRY IT WOULDN'T HAVE MADE A FUCKING DIFFERENCE! Not that you got the try in the first place - you just have to actually WATCH the replay for verification. Here is a quick recap:
It's so emwarrassing! And yes, I am aware of the argument that the try would have changed the tempo of the game and the minds of the players but, you know, WHATEVER GUYS - cork it.
A bunch of us chowed and watched at Caprice which was OUT OF CONTROL! Easily the best venue for the game - with the mayhem of The Strip adding to the fun. Gorgeous little angels celebrating everywhere - all well aware of what these kind of celebrations demand of cute little angels. We're ALL champions, my baby, let's BEHAVE like champions!
I sent an sms to The Bond Guy (Brit) after the game. I know I should have been gracious and civil and all that, but the mood dictated the words:
"Oh dear..."
To which The Bond Guy replied, "Fuck you, have some grace."
It was all going according to plan.
I gave him the classic, "Grace shmace!"
The Gods went one step further yesterday when Brit Lewis Hamilton did not win the Formula One Championship - no doubt also jinxed by a myriad of pre-race headlines to do with the weight of the entire nation being on his shoulders. The history and nature of Formula One proves that after coming so close, there is a real chance that he will never win a championship. Cars and teams change so much each year that anything is possible. Remember what they did to Jensen Button? Precisely - watch that space. I do like the guy (Hamilton), but I think a valuable lesson is being played out.
That's enough now. I need to eat my egg roll from Vida e.
Cancel Mythbusters - it's all happening right here [permalink]
L.A. fashion week has disproved the popular myth that models can float. This very special little clip shows a pseudo ninja going straight through the runway, followed by a model falling into that very same hole made by said ninjitsu expert.
Model quietly falls through hole left by ninja at L.A. Fashion Week
Coincidentally, and in contradiction to what we were taught all our lives, this also proves that models DO NOT have eyes in their vaginas.
Nice - sporting a new shirt with the words "FUCK OFF LOVER BOY."
Stunning!
Clean
That was taken just after she was overheard asking someone where her dog, "London" was. After learning that the hound was at her house in Malibu she barked, "Fuck that, that will take us an hour to drive there - can't we have the dog messengered over?"
Ok, so we're moving house again. The Hand has some friends from God-knows-where who have rented The Paris Hilton House. First choice for me would be The Safe House, but The Interior Decorator is not QUITE finished with the new bathroom. The "wow factor" will be worth it...
So it's down the road, still in "the bay", to The Kitesurfer's house - "The Castle" as we like to call it (article on The Castle to follow some day soon I'm sure). The move is down to a fine art, with Mavis on hand to pack and unpack on either side - keeping cupboard arrangements uniform from one place to the next.
So last night, after organising much-needed pool and garden services to come round today, we thought we'd make a little dinner at around 7pm. No, no - that is incorrect. What we WILL be doing, however, is borrowing a new kitchen hob from another house to replace ours. A slightly BIGGER kitchen hob, which MAY require a bit of sawing. This is at 7pm. A time one would like to eat. Using the hob, if possible.
The Kitesurfer - happy as a pig in shit
Yup, you better believe it! Seriously, this is standard shit around here.
I didn't realise what was going on. I was doing my stretching exercises which I do before making dinner, when suddenly the sound of roadworks came permeating through The Castle, causing me to rush to the scene. Is this what you want before making dinner?
I popped into one of those cool shops next to Vida e on Kloof Street. I bought some vinyl and then at the next shop, Xupa Xupa, I saw this doll..
That's it..
Ok, so there you have it. I was compelled to spend too much on an intricately detailed plastic doll. I'm just as stunned as you are. Indeed I have no doubt the couch psycho-analysts out there are having a field day with this one, but I'm going to have to, once again, put it down to being surrounded by 1,000 antique porcelain dolls growing up and, obviously, the only-child thing. The fact that they're actually MAKING these things is, however, reassuring..
Isn't she gorgeous, though?! It's great! She's just changing clothes like that THE WHOLE TIME! I'll be quite open and say that I do, without a doubt, have a thing for women changing - anywhere. Just as long as they're in some form of undress. On the beach is great, for example. That whole process getting out of the little shorts and top, letting the bikini rip itself through the already stunning setting. What a treat! Look, in the bedroom is also a MAJOR highlight. None so better transcribed into living memory as Elisha Cuthbert's little performance in Old School which I remember writing about once. I said something like this:
Do not for one second forget about Elisha Cuthbert and what she has, unselfishly, given us in the past. I have stumbled upon a video clip of the scene from the movie 'Old School' that made her famous. It was also the scene that finally made me realise what I am looking for in a woman. I am referring to the morning-after scene when she lies on the bed and chats to Mitchapalooza before standing up and putting her jeans on. I cannot fault a second of her performance and, expectedly, cannot choose my favourite part of the sequence. Chatting on the bed, standing up, putting on the jeans, buttoning them up (and leaning forward so brilliantly as she does so) - they're all so perfectly played out. I want to share this with you.
And girls, I want you to practice for Seth. I want you to get a teddy bear and plonk it up at the end of the bed against the wall. Pretend the bear is Seth Rotherham. Put a sign on the bear's forehead that says "SETH" on it. Put on a pink top and pink panties and lie on your tummy-tum-tum, facing Seth. Lie down nicely. Talk to Seth. Practice nicely. (sunlight on bum is essential - as can be seen below). Get a friend to take a picture from the foot of the bed and email it to Seth (see pics for correct angle). Show him how clever you are. Then practice getting off the bed and putting on your jeans. Watch the video carefully and see how Elisha leans forward with her elbows out as she does up her jeans - this is a very important manoeuvre.
Nice vibe
So that's basically the angle I'm going for. I'll just pop her on my desk and I'm SURE that will be MORE than enough female company to compensate being rejected for dates with actual human angels.
It feels so good - have you felt the feeling recently? [permalink]
Umm, I'm listening to a record at the moment. No, I mean it - a record. A vinyl record. Not the kind that DJ's use when they "mix" and "scratch". No, no. I'm talking about the one used on the classic home vinyl record player. It feels nice. I bought it last week after accepting an invite to a relaxed drink at a friend's house.
I spent most of the evening drinking with the kids. My host's son (all 20-years of him) QUIETLY mentioned to me that he bought a fucking record player and a stack of vinyl. I grabbed both his legs together with my right hand, and his throat sideways with my left, like one might hold a bike's handlebars. I lifted him above my head like those Strongest Man in The World weightlifters do on TV. (Why does that programme never go away? Surely they should have decided by now? I mean, fuck, what else must they carry and run with?).
"What do you MEAN!!!" I screamed, as I pinned him against the wall at eye-level. "What you have just said is VERY RUDE because it has CONFUSED ME! What the fuck do you MEAN, son?!"
"A record player with vinyl records like from the 70's, 80's and 90's," he blurted.
The classic home vinyl player - R400 - laughable
I dropped him to the floor and commanded him to stand at attention.
"Don't fuckin' talk about fuckin' record players from my youth as though I wasn't there! I fuckin' OWNED fuckin' RECORDS, bru! Like LANK fuckin' records. I was buying Michael Jackson on vinyl whilst you were drilling your mom's left, my boy! All the way up to the Bad album, I might add!."
Look, I just think he should have said that you bought a record player FROM MYYOUTH. I was embarrassed that it felt inside like our generation had let the youth down. I suddenly realised that we, I, had COMPLETELY forgotten about the classic home vinyl record player. Imagine future generations never feeling that feeling? And here I was, sitting in front of a 20 year old who had just bought his first one. I must sound like a 60 year old at the moment, but I REALLY am excited about this! I IMMEDIATELY felt a wave of pleasure as a little drawer in my memory opened its contents into one of the spare voids in my brain I keep available for moments like these - for analysis. I was jealous and excited, all at once.
The timing was perfect. It had been long enough. My life experiences were adequate for me to very clearly and concisely remember the home vinyl record player from my earlier years for what it really was - an experience; the sound quality was incidental. (Hope you enjoyed that last sentence as much as I enjoyed creating it for you. I'm in the mood for hyphens and semi-colons at the moment - it's sexy - where I gotta be ;-)
(I thought I'd just mention that my record player is currently playing Mello Yello by Donovan. It's amazing. Seems to work well with this classic Swazi I have next to me. It's almost like the the two may have met before)
So he shows me some of the vinyl that he bought - throwing around a bit of Phil Collins; you know, some Fleetwood Mac, Beach Boys - getting into it. I held a knife to his throat as he wrote down the details of the vinyl record shop in Observatory's Lower Main Road - Revolution Records.
Hmmm, Revolution Records..... I like it.
"It's just like the record shop in High fidelity, " The Junior Eccentric went on to say.
"I fucking beg your pardon????? I'LL BE THE FUCKING JUDGE OF HOW THE RECORD SHOP FUCKING LOOKS. OK? I'LL DECIDE if it's COOL or not!"
Jesus, people are losing their fucking MINDS around here!
Two days later at 9am I molested a joint and found myself inside Revolution Records at 85 Lower Main Road in Observatory, Cape Town.
Revolution Records
85 Lower Main Road
Observatory - Cape Town
Jeepers Hudders! It was BETTER than the one in High Fidelity!
"Grant" welcomed me and remembered serving the Junior Eccentric. "Ja, the Pioneer that had to have the band replaced?" he asked.
Nice, I like this place.
He helped me select two players (one for a mate) for about 400 bucks each and then Grant had to shoot off to fix some players at Voodoo Lounge in town. I was introduced to "Laurent" who was puffing on a cigarette as he prepared two cups of coffee. "Hi there," I said across the room to his back.
"You having?" he asked, turning around and passing me the one cup of jo. "One sugar, milk?"
"Perfect," I smiled. My body usually only accepts Vida e coffee, but I was prepared to make an exception that morning.
The P.A. called and I had to move the week's only permitted meeting (Tuesdays at 10h30), as I spent two hours playing record-shop record-shop with Laurent, at Revolution Records in Observatory. JUST what I needed! I bought a small pile of original records to get me going again (at R30 - R60 each - depending on demand and quality), not trying to prove anything with regards to what others may deem cool or not - simply buying what I felt like, the stuff I missed. And yes, they DID have Michael Jackson's Bad! I also found a bit of Fleetwood Mac, some Bee Gees, Beach Boys, Elvis, AC/DC, U2, Elton, Beatles, Visage, Dylan and a couple more. I had to restrain myself because the selection was so radical. This was clearly going to be a regular occurrence. Laurent cleverly selected Boston's "More than a feeling" to play in the shop, and placed the album sleeve on the "current track playing" easel.
"That's coming with me as well, thank you very much," I informed our boy.
We tracked down South Africa's greatest ever rock band, McCully Workshop's (Rupert Mellor, Mike McCullagh, Tully McCullagh, Richard Black) album Workshop Revisited and decided that was enough for one day. They didn't take cards so I promised to pay later that day over the internet (this is not an accepted practice and I wouldn't suggest it - take some cash - old school - nice).
I flew back to 2oceansvibe HQ, blinked through the meeting and wheelied home to The Paris Hilton house (The Interior Decorator is NEARLY done with The Safe House - to which I will soon return - to the haven of peace and protectedness nessness ness).
I wired my player to the surround sound system at home (using a very official muso looking gadget called a "pre-amp" or something like that. It's for if your system doesn't have an ACTUAL "phono" input at the back. You'll like it - it even has a second option to switch from "phono" to "mic" - oh very nice!) and selected the first record. McCully Workshop felt like the right thing to play.
And there it was, the reason why I missed it! Everything became so clear. It was the WHOLE PROCESS that we have lost with today's digital music muffshow. I can use the power of my mind to select crystal clear songs on my iPod these days - but where is the fun in that? I want to SEE the fucker TURNING AROUND! I want to hold something in my hand before I play it. Something bigger than a CD. I want to CHOOSE A SIDE. I want to have something that stops half way through, giving me timeous breaks to get up and stretch; as I work, CONSTANTLY, on maintaining good relations with higher beings. And, as so accurately pointed out by Leather Hands, I WANT to hear the odd little crackle..
Umm, I thought it pertinent at this stage to mention the fact that my grandfather, Lovell Procter, brought "Hi-Fi" to South Africa.
Thangyaverymuch
So there you go! It's RECORD TIME, my friends. It's not about your age - it's something that everyone should experience, something everyone else has missed. Choose whatever you want and just play it. Drink some red wine like I'm doing now (I've started drinking again) and just have it going in the background. It feels so good. Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited is on at the moment. It's so rare to listen to one artist's entire album these days. God, this is good
I couldn't be happier.
Honestly - I'm not lonely.
Seriously, I'm fine.
I'm ok, I suppose.
Look, we all get SCARED! We all cry ourselves to sleep at night.
I'm KIDDING! I'm fine! Seriously, it's not a cry for help. Seriously, I'm fine.
Except at night. I'm quite bad at night time. I wet my bed. Not with wee, with tears. But those are actually tears of joy. Something that happens when I think of you - the 2oceansvibe readers - the air that I breath.
Christ this article is long. I must apologise. I think it's this wine. It's just so good.
I'm going to wrap this up.
That's it, my darlings. That's all I wanted to say. Just get your ass down to Revolution Records in Observatory, say hi to the guys in the shop, and have a little look around. Ask questions. Choose stuff. Then go home, turn off the TV and play nicely. Pull the records out of the sleeves and pop them on the turn table. Make a mess with the covers. Piss your bird off. Have a mid-life-crisis trial run. Or, if you're old enough and think you're ready, maybe THIS is the right time FOR a mid-life-crisis? You gotta do it SOMETIME!?
Lift the arm carefully and place the needle gently on the vinyl surface and enjoy the crackle as the first track on side one gets closer and closer - just enough time to sit back on the sofa, pour a glass and light a joint (OBVIOUSLY I don't smoke joints, Mum! But it SEEMS like the kind of thing COOL people would do. I'm trying to appeal to a wide audience here).
Do whatever you want, but just get some vinyl in your life.
Oh, and, one of you have my Beastie Boys record License to ill. Can I have it back now please? You know who you are. Seriously, I'm not kidding, please give it back. I knew this day would come and I want it back now.
p.s. This new vinyl vibe I'm going for is in no way related to my current fetish for red jeans
16 October, 2007
TUESDAY TABS # 52
Shannon Elizabeth sees us into a new year of tabs [permalink]
WHAT an occasion this is! Can you believe it?! It seems like just yesterday we unveiled the globally recognised weekly flesh treat, Tuesday Tabs. With Pink taking the first steps into what has become a South African institution, we thought we would sum it up with our personal favourite from the year that has been.
Please enjoy Shannon Elizabeth getting into a new (very welcomed) position for this great celebration.
Click that - it's good.
Hold on tight, Francois..
'cos it'll be gone from your mits in 4 days time
I was walking around the SuperSpar in Sea Point the other day with The Roofer - just buying some stuff and judging various people. Being a big food fan, The Roofer spotted something edible.
"Hello! What's this?!" he shrieked.
NonPareil biltong - interesting....
We turned it around, upside-down and all around, trying to make sense of the contents. There were no clear parts to the packaging and we were therefore unable to confirm the similarity of the INCREDINLY AMAZING front picture, to that of the contents. We couldn't let this pass and had no option but to wing it. What the fuck does "Non Pareil" mean, anyway? I did some research and apparently it means "having no equal." Hmm, I'll be the judge.
We got back to The Paris Hilton House and snipped off the top of the pack. OH MY GOOD LORD! It was IDENTICAL to the picture on the front of the packaging.
"This is like....amazing," announced The Roofer in between mouthfuls, on the verge of tears.
I am happy to report that it truly is amazing. And that is why I am writing this for you this morning. To let you know that you have nothing to fear. You've seen it before and you were too scared to buy it. Don't be. It's gorgeous. Absolutely stunning! It is VERY possible that this biltong has "no equal." A round of applause. Well done, guys.
Hi team! Welcome to a new week. Following the trend of last week's articles, I thought I would kick off this week with a screen grab from the weather forecast website. Let's see what we're in for this week in Cape Town.
Ok, so there you have it. Further confirmation of how cuck things are over here. God, I just remembered that someone emailed me last week to tell me that "cuck" is, in fact, spelt "kak". I couldn't quite believe what I was reading. Do you HONESTLY believe that I was unaware of the correct spelling of the word? Having been born and raised in South Africa, where Afrikaans was compulsory as a second language at school, what are the fuckin' chances that I don't know the spelling of the word? Let alone the fact that most people are QUITE aware that the letter "c" is virtually NEVER used in the language (I said 'virtually' - please don't get clever).
Almost as bad as the person that wrote in ages ago to check if I knew that my spelling of the word "embarrassing" - "emboerrissing", was actually incorrect. Really? Shit, I always thought that the letters "oe" made the sound "a." Are you trying to tell me that the fruit "oepple" is actually spelt "apple?" Whatever, bru! I'm not a fucking idiot.
Thank God for people like you - you help people like us stand out.
So anyway, I trust everyone enjoyed the semi-final on Sunday, allowing us the humour of an England vs South Africa final in this year's Rugby World Cup. I thoroughly enjoyed the pre-final headline in the English paper, The Daily Mail, which displayed the words, "BRING IT ON!"
Whaaah! You guys are TERRIBLY amusing!
Wasn't it just yesterday that you turned on your team like Alsatians when they lost in the opening rounds of the World Cup? And now you're going to turbo-boost them to a point that they are jinxed from winning anything - The Tim Henman Approach, I like to call it.
Shame.
I'm not going to jinx anything by saying that we're going to CREAM England on Saturday. It's not about beating England. No, no. It's about something else far more important. Something I am very excited about. To the point that I feel like a little boy, impatiently counting down the days before the South African 1995 World Cup winners FINALLY fade away into obscurity. God, that will be so sweet...
I'll end off this morning's article with something quite special and not related to anything I have just chatted about. Please enjoy the Facebook Choir..
The Facebook Choir - quality
thanks int
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
I am always appreciative of the readers that send stuff in. Some I use, some I don't. Sometimes I feel bad after some of you put together a LENGTHY email and it doesn't get used. But I know you understand. Today I received an email from Quintin M, who basically put this entire story together. I didn't have to lift a fucking finger. His timing was just right - I wanted to put a very last Kiwi bashing article together so that we don't have to endure the constant drips and drabs flowing into our inbox. When you reach the end of this article, the topic is CLOSED.
Oh, what's this.... hang on a second.....
Before I get into that, I have JUST received an email from Jonathan E, with a link to a story on Keo's site - featuring a quote from MORNE DU PLESSIS to the current Boks:
"We need a new story to tell... about you guys... people are tired of 1995"
STUNNING! MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY! Well done, Morne! JP, tell your dad he is a fucking legend. GOOD-BYE FRANCOIS! CHEERS JOEL! SEEYA JOOST!!!! God, I've said it before, if there was ever a better reason to win the World Cup...
Ok, and now the final Kiwi images you've probably seen them:
The All Black Choker
My personal favourite
Muppets - The All Blacks leaving France
And here is a link to a story before the All Black France game in the New Zealand Herald where a journalist, Chris Rattue, punishes himself by giving SUCH a big go BEFORE the game, I can't even imagine how much of a tit he feels like now. God that is emboerrissing!
And then, on the other side, we've got Mark Souster from The Times who tossed The All Blacks around like a cat with a dead mouse in its paws. Please enjoy this beautiful attack:
The UK press has climbed into the All Blacks following their shock World Cup exit.
The Times correspondent Mark Souster held nothing back in his assessment of the game.
“New Zealand have to face reality now. They are not world champions and may never be again,” he wrote. “They believe it is their God-given right to be world champions. Graham Henry has smirked and rotated his squad and spent millions of Kiwi dollars on his expedition. For what? Their most catastrophic performance in World Cup history.
“They know there is a new world order in rugby, based not solely on playing power and resource talent but also harsh economic fact. And the gulf is going to get wider. They helped to create, indeed instigate, the open era. Yet it is all about to backfire. Without adidas’s largesse, New Zealand rugby would probably be teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. But how much longer will the sports giant want to be associated with a broken brand? Players have left in droves and more are doing so, a haemorrhage of talent that cannot be sustained without long-term harm to the sport there. The trouble is the NZRFU cannot compete with the commercial supremacy of the northern hemisphere. They may not like it but that’s life.”
Stephen Jones, Britain’s most respected rugby writer, laughed off David Kirk’s claim that the All Blacks had too much talent.
“Once Richie McCaw was taken out of the equation by a wonderful and long-overdue application of the laws by Wayne Barnes, the outstanding young English referee, New Zealand did not have a forward of true world class anywhere, save in their two props,” wrote Jones.
“Jerry Collins, the one-trick pony, was in the corral. Rodney So’oialo, the No 8, was ordinary. For god’s sake, they are men of great heart, but they are just bangers. Both men have been ordinary for years. Compare So’oialo’s all round game with, say, Lawrence Dallaglio at his best and you have an anthill and a mountain.
“And so on throughout the team. The odd great player, far more journeymen. Too much talent in the backs? The New Zealand midfield shovelled rubbish along the line way behind the advantage line. No-one had the tactical nous or the skills, apparently, to try a drop goal at the end. Take Luke McAllister out of the team (and that is just what Sale Sharks have done) and there was a lack of class whenever the ball went beyond the scrum-half.
“Too much talent? It’s the garbage we were pedalled when All Black coaches, media and followers told us in Kirk-like fashion that actually, they had three teams which could all have won the World Cup. Fine. So why didn’t you send any of them over to France, then?”
AWESOME!
Oh, and
I think a quick nod is in order in the form of a well done to The Loose Forward on making the squad for this weekend's game. Good boy. Go get it!
Other than that I am FINISHED and need some sun. Have a good weekend, people. I'll be in Jo'burg for The Jo'burg Attache's 30th. Should be a schtoinker!
And a very good morning to you! I trust everyone is well? (Remember writing letters as a kid - "How are you? I am fine." - lag!)
I drank a bit last night but am not feeling the effects WHATSOEVER. It's called Essentiale, people, and you know what we say about it - "It's not a case of whether it works or not. Oh, it works! It's a case of REMEMBERING TO TAKE IT!" Quite simple. The P.A. has not learnt this lesson and has dragged herself into the office after CLEARLY overdoing it at some bar mitzvah last night. Tsk tsk.
Get the tub of 100 Essentiale's, guys, take two with your first drink, two during and two after. There are NO reported cases of overdosing anywhere in the WORLD. You CAN'T overdo it. Just keep eating them. My mother pulls out the 100 tub at the dinner table in restaurants and hands them round to guests - all the time!
Christ, I'm going COMPLETELY off track here. Ok, check this out....
I'm going to take a flyer here and suggest that these photos were taken in Durban.
Words cannot describe..
That's right, my friends, that is a STICK ON SUNROOF! This is REALLY happening and it's happening RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW in South Africa. Or, to be more precise, Deben. I can only ASSUME that these things will be hitting The Plein very soon, if not already.
I must say I'm a bit pissed off. Both my cars have sunroofs so I can't get one of these things. I'm tempted to get them filled in, just so I can have one of these puppies.
Brilliant.
It's a beach day people - you'd be a fool not to arrange meetings at Caprice. I mean, REALLY - if you work in town it is just a hop, skip and a jump over the Nek into Camps Bay.
Seriously, come right.
thanks Int
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
10 October, 2007
THE TBG WOWS CROWD AT 21ST
Just as comfortable at a Camps Bay 21st as he is amongst stellar bodies [permalink]
No, is the answer.
There is NO limit to The TBG's (Tall Blonde Guy) magic.
I am once again without words.....
In this most recent mind-boggling TBG sighting, we come a millimeter closer to understanding this romantic symbol of all that is good and stunning in the world. One day he is with God, discussing important matters such as a possible change to the phases of the moon, and the next day he is AMONGST us, the little people, AT A 21ST NO LESS!
Aaah, the glory that is...
The TBG effortlessly switches into 21st mode
Hi Seth,
Being an avid reader of 2oceansvibe I have always wanted the TBG to grace me with his presence. I thought I had a slim chance BUT praise the Lord (or is it praise be to the TBG?) I spotted him at a friend's 21st.
This is how it went down...
I was attending a 21st in Camps Bay. It was very casual and the party was just getting revved up. Many people had headed downstairs to check out the rugby, and I thought I might as well too.
When half time came I started to maneuver my way back to the partay. As I turned, I noticed a stunningly tall, striking blonde man. Then it hit me like a Mathlete at a frat party. IT WAS THE MAN WHO GOD HAS ON SPEED DIAL!
I was flabbergasted! I started shaking with excitement!
As we all moseyed back upstairs I made my friend take a picture of me, DD Boy and the TBG. He was very sweet, and man can he party!
Later on in the aand he was grooving on the dance floor like Disco Dancing Rick. Seriously pulling out some moves that I never thought possible, maybe only like Johnnie T in Saturday Night Fever.
Moments later he had vanished, and I saw a light crossing the Camps Bay strip. The ocean parted in a display of Godly like power, and the TBG was gone, probably to somewhere like Nazareth. I bet as I type he is dragging a bag of rice from a rice paddy, up a hill, to feed the little starving Cambodian children that Seth imports to use under his floorboards for the summer flip flop season.
Man he is cool. So suave. So elegant. So serene. I actually feel like a better person after being in his presence. Thanks be to the TBG!
Brittany O
xxx
Brittany, you are one VERY luck little girl! Do you know that? I think you DO! And thank you for your account of the occasion. Just what we needed - a thorough description. Every little detail is important - we don't want to miss a thing when these rare moments are granted.
And just as I thought! He just went right ahead and danced with everyone else at the party - with moves that defy gravity.
Not that gravity is an issue for the great man.
He could chill out on the ceiling if he felt like it.
His drink wouldn't spill either - Kryptonite can be drunk upside down.
I'll begin by saying that I've already checked and it is, in fact, NOT April the first. My head is struggling to get around this. Apparently some fishermen found an ICEBERG floating about 35 nautical miles (say that with a straight face) off the coast of St. Francis. Measurements given were about 25m long and about 20m high. Jesus! Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, don't play games.
Icebergs - friend or foe?
That is not a photo of the ACTUAL iceberg, but merely an image I found to give this article more of a vibe. So anyway, the NSRI took the chopper out for a spin and confirmed that they saw the TIP of the iceberg - but did not take a picture. COME ON GUYS! That's like those guys at school who said they pulled two chicks at the OTHER SIDE of the nightclub, but, mysteriously, NO-ONE saw them do it! I'm just not buying it.
I want evidence. Hard evidence. Otherwise it just doesn't compute.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE
Please bru, my head is hurting from thinking about this. I mean, what the fuck is it doing here? Are they here to breed? With the whales perhaps? Was it not maybe a whaleberg that you saw? (sorry, that was poor)
Mackie D's will start selling Whale Bergers.
God, that was appalling. Sorry - the beach took it out of me.
We've chatted about this before. I can't seem to find the article I wrote (Barbs?), but it was something to do with how tiresome it has become having to listen to the unsubstantiated claims of this country going the same way as Zimbabwe. I remember saying something like, "If you're freaking out, please go right ahead and board a plane, 'cos we're watching the sunset and having a beer."
I don't know when I wrote that but it's been quite some time - a length of time that certainly hasn't removed the topic from popular conversation . 2oceansvibe advisor and my personal favourite political commentator, Jonty Fisher (The Marketer), is currently writing for Mail & Guardian, within their online offering - Thoughtleader.
Jonty has just written a solid, provoking piece, entitled 'South Africa's going the way of Zimbabwe' which gets straight to the point with the bring-it-on opener:
I’m consistently amazed — no, make that, concerned — at the amount of seemingly intelligent people who still hold this opinion. It’s easy to write off the usual suspects for comments like this, but when people in their 30s with professional careers in high-powered positions make a comment like this around dinner tables, it beggars belief. Now I’m never one to begrudge anyone their opinion, but I’d like to blow this myth out of the water.
His much-needed argument finally pens down a list of conclusive arguments for us to print out and hand to those who insist on raising the "it's all going to pot / we're turning into Zim" topic whilst everyone else is trying to have a good time; a written argument I have wanted for quite a while. On the side, I have just received an invitation for a light drink at a friend's residence in a couple of hours (this was written in the afternoon for those of you sniggering at how early I'm climbing into a quiet one!) - a friend who is amongst this clan of fear-mongers. I finished off our telephone conversation with an acceptance to the invitation, along with the confirmation that I would be bringing something for her to read as well. I can't wait to put the figurative full-stop into her hands.
Do yourselves a favour and have a read over Jonty Fisher's article, 'South Africa's going the way of Zimbabwe' - and please, direct your praise and anger to the comments section under his article. You'll see a few there already - Allan B gave it a good go, but was sensationally silenced by the writer.
Get in there and, when you're done, stop and smell these roses I found over here...
You're just wasting your time otherwise. It's not good for your health. Seriously, you'd serve your spare time better focusing on Hollywood's latest vagina shot....
[We have long had a link on this website, and I would like to alert you to, Jonty's Political commentary blog called The Fishbowl (Jonty Fisher - fishbowl - get it!!!! I know, it's CRAZY!!!!) - check it out]
Sienna Miller - again - but this time with a LITTLE BIT MORE.. [permalink]
We've had Sienna Miller on Tuesday Tabs before and we applaud her for her vibe. Obviously to warrant another visit would require something pretty spectacular. We've found that something and you will too when you click this image below to reveal not ONE, but TWO pics from her new hippy movie she has been working on...... (*cough*vagina*cough*).
[And Francois, enjoying his final days in the sun,
before he is finally erased from all living memory.
If there was ever a better reason for the Boks to win....]
One of our more intrepid readers took this video outside Giovanni's and sent it in yesterday. It is not the first of it's kind - you might remember the January video I took in Mouille Point of a 2oceansvibe reader's car being removed. Whilst it is certainly not a theme we wish to work on here at 2oceansvibe (videos of cars being towed away), this one is particularly funny.
In this video it appears to be a car removal fuckfest as we note (at the 00m45s point of the video) ANOTHER truck carrying ANOTHER car driving passed, giving the truck in the foreground a little toot-toot hello!
Then the car in the foreground's alarm starts going off. Oh God, it's complete mayhem! Enjoy it!
Geniedit
thanks Dave
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
You may have missed this issue of Huis Genoot [permalink]
Umm, ja.... so this should probably give you a bit more of an understanding of what we're dealing with up North. I assume this is from Huis Genoot magazine and am QUITE upset that I missed this issue - cos it's pretty special.
A lovely pair of newlyweds, celebrating in the colours of their favourite rugby team - The Blue Bulls.
Stunning!
Special
I didn't catch our boy's name but I'm sure you agree that, rugby insignia aside, he is PLAYING OUT OF HIS SOCKS! That is quite a poppie you have there, boytjie! En kyk na haar naeltjie wat so mooi uitloer! MOOI! I think it's only right that she also dyed her hair blue - go all the way, bokkie, or don't go at all!
Here some more pics of the reception, cake and the rest of the family!
Beautiful!
I'll show this to my wife-to-be if she doesn't let me do the Magnum P.I. theme I have in mind for our wedding....
Whenever that is....
WHOEVER that is....
thanks george
thanks len
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
You'll remember Wayne Barnes. He is the incredibly queer and sensitive looking ref who took care of the New Zealand vs. France Rugby World Cup quarter-final on Saturday. This is good humour - clearly entered by a New Zealand fan. Click image to see his new Wikipedia info page.
thanks anthony
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
8 October, 2007
I THINK IT'S GOING VERY WELL
Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves [permalink]
Goodness me - what a dogshow of a weekend! Watching the England Australia game was an oxymoron of emotions. I mean, we would prefer the Bulldogs to go through rather than the 'Roos, but the never-cheer-for-England-no-matter-what rule will ALWAYS apply (our Southern Hemisphere bond is stronger than our healthy competitive rivalry). So that was quite weird. Not WANTING Ozzie to go through, but cheering for them anyway!
My pre-World-Cup prediction of a France vs. SA final is nearing reality with France gently stroking New Zealand from behind in the Saturday quarter-final which saw the favourites bow out of the World Cup. What a fuckshow that was! Surely suicide is the only way out for those guys? Seriously, it's the right thing to do.
I enjoyed this sign - classic SA humour.
Good
I'm HORRIFIED to find post-quarter-final conversations peppered with statements like "you know, I think we can win this World Cup." What the fuck is that? Sort yourselves out - we ARE going to win this World Cup! Christ, no wonder we've battled against some of these smaller sides - YOU'VE BEEN THINKING NEGATIVELY! Our players can feel your bad energy pal, and it fucking sucks. Stop it RIGHT NOW and change your tune.
We ARE going to win this World Cup and we ALWAYS WERE gong to win this World Cup! It is going to be a GLORIOUS day with an ending you will never forget.
Kiwi mockery seems to be the order of the day as I find my inbox jam-packed with hilarities, including this which was genuinely put up on a Kiwi auction website.
I'm usually just kidding when I use words like "off the hizzo," but not this time. Sox, the Sunday night resident DJ at Caprice does NOT need to be introduced. You simply cannot replicate the kind of excitement produced by this man - which starts with his signature tune to ANNOUNCE that he has arrived. Last season it was the A-Team theme. Chicks go mental.
Sox (The Personal Jukebox) is easily the hottest ticket in town and is booked MONTHS in advance for only the most exclusive parties. He's not like those other guys, trust me - he plays only the tunes you love - you know those ones - the ones that get chicks on bar counters. That's his special gift..
Look at this man
He is a fucking king
Supported by Jarrad and Kingsize, I simply could not imagine a bigger party or exact location to be in the universe tomorrow night.
Sox also seems to be firmly endorsed by The TBG who our boy snapped at another gig he pumped recently.
The night the barman will never forget...
That's it, people. Just wanted to keep you aware of what the most important things in your life are right now. Everyone up to date? Good.
Saturday night, 6 October
Bang Bang Club
70 Loop Street
Trust me....
Seth Rotherham has left the building
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
And a very good morning to all of you! It's Friday, my sweets, let's take a look at the weather. One second...
Ok, they're giving us "Partly Cloudy and 21C" - I'm fine with that. It works well with my mood, which is currently smooth. I have a very mild headache which I can deal with. Mother Dearest was right - you'll never get a bad hangover if you drink "proper" champagne.
So I've got a little song for you this morning which was playing in the background of the most wonderful dream I had last night. It's Fever by Elvis. I found a video of him singing it live and I want you to watch it very carefully. Those of you who have never attempted to grasp the power of Elvis Presley will find this a good example of how he dominated.
I trust most of you are aware of the Davenport(Blackwell)/Cooley composition, most memorably interpreted by Peggy Lee in 1958. The song's haunting sound and provocative melody has long been a favourite cover of the big stars, including (among others) Tom Jones, Madonna, Ray Charles and Natalie Cole.
But today we're dealing with this version, by a mildly (appropriately) sozzled Elvis Presley. God, this song was just made for him; so soft and titillating, with those short-lived moments of excitement - each of which being punctuated by The King tweaking his ass (by a mere centimeter) or kicking out a leg. It's QUITE ridiculous how revved up the crowd gets with each movement - to the point that he is openly laughing at the situation. Just watch this, we'll chat afterwards...
Hey? Does it get any cooler than that? I don't think so. Only Elvis can sing Fever and NOT pronounce the "F" in the chorus.
Let's all just take a deep breath.... God, I'm exhausted - that really took it out of me.
[With a history of collapsing to the ground and frothing at the mouth after writing some of the longer articles, Seth needs to rest now]
I'm sure we'll chat again later.
Have a wonderful day and remember I'll be thinking of each and every one of you all day long.
Charlie Sheen eclipses Baldwin's ranting [permalink]
Jeez Charlie Sheen is out of control! Let me just fill you in - I wrote an article in June last year where I outlined a bit of what is going on with him and his ex-wife, Denise Richards, regarding their ongoing custody battle a-la Baldwin/Basinger/Spears/Federline. In that article I mentioned a few things about Charlie, in that he is obsessed with 9/11 conspiracy theories and that he regularly uses prostitutes and refers to them as "pro's" (I've just pissed myself again remembering that. I LOVE that! PRO'S! Whaah!). I also told you how, due to his excessive drug use, he has found himself ranting to his wife using names including cunt (clean), nigger (interesting), dick face and asshole.
It's not going well..
THEN.....just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Charlie has taken it to another level and has chosen to taunt Denise about her mother, who is currently undergoing treatment for cancer. Sheen had this to say (in writing):
...wait for it
"Go cry to your bald mom, you loser"
Oh my God! That is OUT OF THE PARK!! Between Sheen and Baldwin, I don't know who is worse (or better?).
I did nothing but scream at the top of my voice when I first saw this picture. "Noooo! Please, dear God, Nooo!!" as I saw images of The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) with blood all over his body.
But then I stopped and came to my senses. Like, hello!!!! It's The TBG! Everyone knows that he doesn't BLEED! That would make him HUMAN! I'm glad I was on my own because I was SO embarrassed - I went the brightest rouge! It seems the international megastar must have been out after a theme party and was just mucking about with some fake blood!
Let's see what Nick S had to say:
The TBG with Harry Viljoen lookalike, Nick S
Hi Seth
Once a night has started going downhill, it generally snowballs and more often than not things completely spiral out of control. Last night was starting to look like one of those. I had already lost my phone and broken my hand, (beware running up a flight of stairs with a beer in each hand, totally arseholed.) They say things happen in threes, I was worried. Deciding to cut my losses, I headed for the exit.
I am a bit unclear on what happened next. I remember feeling a cool breath of air on my face, beautiful music started running through my mind. (It could have been a David Hasslehof tune.) I could have sworn I saw a white dove. There he was looking right at me. I have never been in the presence of such glory. I was hesitant to approach him noticing the blood stains on his shirt. And then it dawned on me. The saint must have been fresh off a flight from some war torn country, spending his Saturday rescuing little orphans. And still he found the time to come have a dop with us normal okes! Unreal! I went over, introduced myself and asked for a photo. He happily obliged. These were the happiest two minutes of my life. The icing on the cake was still to come, he shook MY hand! He actually touched me! I still haven't washed my hand. Its starting to smell a bit but I'm not bothered. We must all make sacrifices.
TBG, you are my hero. You touched my life and rescued me from an evening of hell. Thank you
Nick S
Thank you, Nick S. Aaah, another incredible story. Another life suspended, just for a moment, in ecstasy. This man will just not stop delivering joy and peace. Injury scare aside, it has been QUITE some time since I saw images of The TBG in such good spirits. And those SUNGLASSES! Good heavens! He just makes supercool seem so easy.
Just please don't ever go, TBG, please - we need you.
Her blonde hair, pink outfits and Vogue magazine addiction have resulted in the fighter name "The Princess" which sounds cute, until you're at the receiving end. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Sarah Mare.
Wanna play?
You reckon you could handle that? I doubt it. She broke her opponents nose in the first 45 seconds of her first fight and is now a National Muaythai Champion. She is yet to be defeated.
"The Princess" with Sifu Quentin Chong and an action shot.
Enjoy those legs
With her her TEAM SARAH fan club (also a band of gorgeous angels who double-up as maniacs when they need to be) following her from fight to fight, her next challenge is the World Championships in Thailand, hosted by the International Federation Muaythai Amateur (IFMA) from 27 November to 5 December 2007. The event is, fittingly, being held in the name of The King of Thailand's 80th birthday (nice touch).
As with most non-mainstream sports in South Africa, sponsorships are desperately needed. We need R13,000 to get this angel to Thailand. This will cover flights, accommodation and the South African kit (tracksuit, blazer, bag etc.)
I will certainly be donating and hope you do to - I mean, come one, a blonde fighter in the 2oceans vibe, draped in pink?! Give me a break!
So come on, people, let's get The Princess to Thailand to kick some ass! Any donations large or small will be greatly appreciated. Sarah will gladly wear sponsor's logos.
Bank details are as follows:
KM Mare
Nedbank
St George's Mall
Account: 1009 58 77 57
Branch: 100 909
Please use the reference: Sponsorship (name)
If you wish to get in touch with the team, please call Sifu Quentin Chong on +27 (0)21 461 8088 or email editor@2oceansvibe.com and I'll put you in touch.
And I think we'll end off with some hot shots of The Princess, as well as her roving fan club! Click images to enlarge.
New fragrance promo turns into prison investigation [permalink]
Shame, Paris Hilton was on David Letterman's show on Friday and apparently left in a COMPLETE (say that word with you hands outstretched wide with palms facing away from your chest, with your eyes closed during the entire word) STATE!
Check, check, check it out:
Pretty heavy I think you'll agree. He basically punished her.
It is becoming more and more evident that some people don't actually like Hilts. Just recently, for example, Dave Grohl had this to say:
"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her"
Whilst obviously keeping a few true thoughts close to his chest, one cannot but agree that Grohl's expression tended towards animosity.
We finish this interesting article off with a nice shot of Hilts - seemingly surrounded by gentlemen, all trying to help her out of the car. Jeepers, take it easy guys, give her some space - it's not like she can't walk!
Goes to the tanning salon and brings up Yorkies [permalink]
Britney Spears has officially lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline. Well blow me sideways! This really has gone full circle, hasn't it?
L.A. County Superior Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys' father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12h00 PM until further order of the court."
Judge Gordon also ordered Brit Brit to undergo random drug tests and all sorts of other cuck, but that's not the amazing thing here. The amazing thing here is Britney basically football-threw her kids over to Federline TWO DAYS EARLY and followed through with a visit to the tanning salon. Perfect!
Spears and her Yorkie
You know, I chuckle to myself every time I see a Yorkie on 2oceansvibe. I chuckle because I know that I haven't even fucking started with you yet. There is so much to tell - luckily time is on our side. I won't get into it now, but I was basically raised by a pack of Yorkshire Terriers..... and 1,000 porcelain dolls. The ring-master was an African woman by the name of Francis. A photo of her featured on an audio/visual that was made and played for me at my 21st - with the title "The Servant." I stand to be corrected, but I think there was also a pic of the one Yorkie, Meggie, on the audio/visual with the title "The Sister" and a picture of my cat, Homer, with the title "The Brother."
Such is life growing up as an only child. My siblings were animals and my friends were lego and a computer.
Christ, the money I would pay to sub Mavis for Francis....
I think it's fair to say that LANK guys enjoy Ashley Judd. I remember claiming her in the movie Heat. God, she was gorgeous there.
Cute.
Do you remember Ash in Heat? That's the movie where Al Pacino (the cop) arrived home late and said to his wife (who was in QUITE a mood at this stage), "I've got TWO DEAD BODIES on a SIDEWALK....off Venice BOULEVARD.....Justine...............[picks up the chicken piece, looks at it, throws it back on the plate]...I'm sorry if the god-damned chicken......is....over-cooked.."
His wife was also pretty hot in that movie. Remember she had that brat daughter who freaked out that time she couldn't find her shoe.
But look, this is not about Al's wife, or that revolting little child.... this is about Ashley and her tabs.
Here they are from some other movie that she did.
They're FINE.
I wouldn't do flick-flacks, but I'm definitely not sending them back.
As we struggle to get into a new pattern of channel surfing [permalink]
I received an sms from The Chief last night simply stating, "New DSTV vibe, not cool." I agreed wholeheartedly.
I do understand that they have to change everything for "future growth" but, I mean, it's just so HECTIC! I thought that maybe they would keep all the same numbers but put them in the hundreds. Like maybe MNET would change from channel 3 to 103. And then Movie Magic would change from channel 4 to 104. That would make sense. But that single example has already proved to be a balls up. MNET is now 101 and Movie Magic is 150. I can see this taking a while to learn. And what about all of my PVR settings, are they fucked as well?
Oh, Lordi!
Let me breakdown my personal surfing lineup and then I'll give you a link to a FULL listing of the new channels. Here is my new vibe:
The Ozzies focus on more important issues [permalink]
At last, a record that actually MEANS something! Here we see over 1,000 woman attending "a world record attempt for the biggest swimsuit photo shoot at Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia."
That's what I'm talking about..
I must say, when I was sent this story it just felt right to mention it here on 2oceansvibe. I mean, isn't this what it's all about? I just wish everyone could stop and just FOCUS for a second on what is REALLY important? Honestly, if it's not people killing each other over an argument about which religion is the best, they're moaning about "global warming" and "carbon fucking footprints".
I'm sick of it! At least here we have a bunch of people EMBRACING global warming and getting outside to enjoy it! Fabulous! Let's organise a bloody big record-breaking swimsuit shoot!
As Seth prepares himself for competition-rigging accusations [permalink]
I am very happy to announce that the winner of the 2oceansvibe PlayEuromillions draw, featuring prize money to the tune of R3,500 was none other than Tammy Farrell!
Tammy Farrell - next round is on you...
Hah! I know EXACTLY what you're thinking - and you're wrong! I had nothing to do with the winner selection and it was completely random. The PlayEuromillions guys will confirm this fact.
It's a complete coincidence that Tammy turns out to be an absolute angel..
Please don't expect theatrics from me today - I'm still getting into character after the weekend at Rocking the Daisies which was OFF THE CHARTS.
And whilst MOST of Cape Town was going mental at Rocking the Daisies, those who stayed in town also went a little ballistic. Kloof Road leading up to the Nek claimed another two luxury sedans.
Nice one, guys.
I can see the problem right here in the front on the side
With wheels like that it's no wonder you crashed!
thanks steve
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
Aah, I do like Porters. She is just delightful. I claimed her when she played Matilda in Leon (The Professional) and have been pleased with my claim ever since.
Hello! What's this?
I'm so pleased with these pics of her bum from her new film Hotel Chevalier. It's just as I imagined it. Thank you, my angel. You are very naughty to spoil us like that.
Click this little strip of images to get a look. You know, if you like bums.
I had near cardiac arrest last night and bled out my eyes as I witnessed the new Firestone Tyres ad on TV. The one where the woman pops her head out of the caravan and starts singing the Firestones song (Them stones, them stones, them Firestones).
I respect women and have never, and will never lay a hand on a woman - except this chick. If that chick comes near me I will punch a hole directly through her face. If I see that ad again I will probably cotch on the spot - it is so fucking shocking it simply has to be seen to be believed. I honestly thought it was a joke.
It is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to me and to 2oceansvibe that I show you the ad I am talking about. You simply have to see it.
So please, if anyone out there has access or a link to the commercial on this supposedly "brilliant" internet, it is of national importance that you email it to me right this very second at editor@2oceansvibe.com
As we highlight something important and close to Seth [permalink]
Regular readers will be aware that 2oceansvibe is very limited when it comes to appeals to the readers for help. We do receive many charitable requests for help and, whilst we are more than happy to email the information around to others who might be able to help, we are sadly unable to publish each and every one. If we did then there would, quite literally, be no 2oceansvibe.
Because one cannot help everyone in need, requests like these are the ones close to my heart and family. I have always made mention that if you also struggle to choose who to give to and who to help, going for those requested on 2oceansvibe will keep you in good stead with the Gods of karma and you won't have to feel bad that you don't drive through Cape Town spending R350 a day on street children.
That said, I wish to highlight the plight of Cassie Buchanan, a little girl and member of a family who are very close to my heart. Cassie has been diagnosed with something called Aplastic Anemia, a blood disorder which, like many others, requires a bone marrow transplant. As with many of these cases, a matching (usually very rare) donor is required. This is the situation in the case of Cassie Buchanan.
Through registering and testing, The Sunflower Fund deals with increasing the number of matches on the Bone Marrow Registry for these kind of medical processes.
At about R1,000 a test and with such a small chance of finding a match, one can understand that this is not your standard medical operation fundraiser. Any assistance we can give to contribute to The Sunflower Fund's cause would therefore be greatly appreciated - no matter how small the amount.
The Sunflower Fund's banking details are:
The Sunflower Fund
ABSA BANK
Cheque account
Account number: 4051834719
Branch code: 632 005
Further to that, an account has been opened in the name of:
Cassie Buchanan Fund
RMB Private Bank
Account number: 62154514634
Branch code: 202 709
This account has been opened to help with the costs of Cassie's medical treatment. Any donation of any size would be greatly appreciated. The account is administered by the bank for all Cassie's medical treatment.
As reality seems to intermix with La-la-land [permalink]
Ok, it looks like we're being punk'd. Either that, or we're ALL on mushrooms. I mean, to have these two headlines at THE SAME TIME is just too much to bear. Let me run you through it.
Fuck me. You couldn't make this stuff up. A WARRANT is issued for the ARREST of our POLICE CHIEF and a TOP JUDGE is in court for DEFEATING THE ENDS OF JUSTICE. Those are two GLARING oxy morons (intended two word split) on virtually the same newspaper page!
IT'S
OUT
OF
CONTROL!
It's good humour though. Don't let the joke drag on too long, guys. Either that, or stop mixing mushrooms into our water system - that's naughty.
As Americanisms creep into the very fabric of our society [permalink]
"Where were you yesterday? I waited an hour for you. I thought we agreed to meet for lunch?"
"Oh, God, yes I totally forgot. Sorry. My bad."
I fucking beg your pardon? YOUR bad? What in God's name are you talking about? What the fuck is a bad? Is this some sort of experimental social game that we're playing? Is everyone allocated a certain amount of "bads" per day and have to acknowledge when each one is used up? Are there "goods" as well? Can you rack up goods and use them to cancel out bads? What the muff is going on, man?
You're not going to get away with cutifying the situation with an Americanism that should stay an Americanism. You missed our lunch which I was going to forgive you for - but now, I'm afraid, we're never having lunch again - not if you're going to talk like that. Who are you anyway? Are your parents television sets? Cos that's what you were clearly raised by. You're a mini-TV and I'm just going to have to use the mute button on you.
Christ. It was fine to play American-American when we were kids, cos that was just how cops and robbers spoke - but we're all grown up now, guys.
Once again I was day dreaming about you - my luscious, treasured readers, and I gave a tinkle to my buddies at Playeuromillions with a little plan. You'll be very pleased about what we have arranged exclusively for 2oceansvibe readers. As you should have read in today's earlier article, there is a lottery draw tomorrow that will make you a billionaire. I also told you where to go to buy your tickets for the lottery online at Playeuromillions (I'm spoon feeding you again). And now, I have something else to tell you:
All 2oceansvibe readers who buy tickets for Friday's lottery will go into ANOTHER secret little draw and stand the chance of winning a further £250. Just for fun! Because we can! That's R3,500, my darlings! That's what my mother calls a "bonsella!" It's what some people call "seven lap dances." It's like this website is some sort of a magic ATM machine! Your chances will be pretty high as well, so you're definitely being a little silly if you don't follow through with this.
What do you have to do, you ask?
It's very easy - to stand a very good chance of winning £250 (as well as R1.2 billion), simply buy a ticket for Friday's lottery online and then EMAIL/FORWARD ME your ticket confirmation (gets sent to you when you buy a ticket) to editor@2oceansvibe.com
Euro Millions jackpot is completely off the charts [permalink]
I don't do a lot of online gambling or gaming or betting and I thank God every day that I don't - because I'd be a fucking wreck. I know I'd get sucked in and enter into a downward vortex resulting in my putting the last of my world on red or black. I used to do that, by the way, when I worked my first job after school as a waiter at Bertie's Landing before it got sold (over and over again, with every new owner believing they could make it work). I would take half my weekly paycheck, go straight to an illegal casino in Sea Point (the early days) and put it all on red or black.
That's how crazy I am. I live on the edge. That's where I gotta be. That's what makes me sexy. That's what makes you want me. That, and my rapping skills.
So anyway, there is one online gaming thing I find quite tame and rather silly to ignore - and that is when Euromillions lottery goes ballistic and reaches a jackpot of 88 MILLION POUNDS! Yes, that is right, my friends. And don't lift a finger, I've already done the sum for you - it works out to R1.2 billion. That is some serious kizzash. God, that would save me a LOT of time. I'd only have to make another R800 million to reach my goal. Then I can focus more on making you laugh and healing children and working out what makes The TBG tick.
And let me tell you SOMETHING ELSE, capitan - this particular draw is what they call a "SUPERDRAW" which means that it simply "must be won". So if there are no winning numbers, then the winnings will be split amongst the next tier of winning numbers. You're virtually guaranteed of walking away a millionaire by Saturday morning. Welcome to your new life.
So that is what I am here to tell you about today - so you don't kick yourself afterwards and realise that a few clicks of your mouse could have sorted out that annoying bond of yours, or that new Chanel handbag, or that ton of saffron you needed for that special extravagant recipe you found.
It's 88 million Pounds, people - buy yourself a ticket before the end of Friday.
Please enjoy French rugby's mountain man, Chabal, during an interview - refusing to answer questions put forward in English. B E A U T I F U L!
God he is a legend. I LOVE the way he looks down when he says "we are in France" and then his nose twitches as he breathes out - it's just perfect! Like some sort of noble warrior who is fighting for the crown or God and country or something medieval. Like Braveheart - involving passion and all that cuck. Classic stuff.
This man will eat you.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
25 September, 2007
ALL'S WELLNESS THAT ENDS WELLNESS
The Wellness Warehouse opens on Kloof Street and blows us away [permalink]
One of the rules that I constantly try and enforce on myself is not to stock up on junk food. If I have the need for chocolate or biltong or sweets of any sort, I am forced to go to the shops and get it. I can't keep a stock of sweets and only tickle it now and then. I can pretend to, but that only lasts a couple of hours and before I go to bed I would have devoured all of it and found myself positioning mirrors in the hall at the Safe House to get a good view of the TV as I settle into a painful extended stay in the bathroom. (I don't think that was too graphic? I mean, I didn't use words like stool or anything).
Another angle to the problem is going to shops for something good (healthy), and being tempted to buy crap at the same time. It's like running the gauntlet when you're queuing at Woolies and you find yourself subjected to temptation only Eve could describe. It's radical - you are surrounded by enough chocolate and sweets to give you full-blown acne and an extra 3 kg's by sunrise. Sin, sin, sin!
You'll have your own reasons why you love it, but for me the Wellness Warehouse in Cape Town's Kloof Lifestyle Centre on Kloof Street is what I call a "safe zone" - you can do what you want, buy what you want and EAT what you want with COMPLETE gay abandon and you won't hate yourself when you're done! PERFECT!
I don't know where to start but this place is a complete mind fuck! It is MASSIVE and basically takes up the whole of the Kloof Lifestyle centre's top section. It doesn't end! You walk in and see the usual mainstream convenience products lined-up over several aisles and are impressed by the pharmacy in the other corner - reminding you of of a classic Boots setup - but then you realise that this theme takes up only a QUARTER of the store.
You walk further and discover what-can-only-be-described as four or five other themes. Like you've walked into a CENTRE of sorts, with different stores offering different things - all falling under the heading health and wellness. But this is not a centre, my friends, this is ONE FUCKING SHOP! You'll never want to leave!
One section is dedicated to supplements and complimentary medicine, whilst another offers pilates and sports equipment. You go further into the wonderland of health and notice a plants and flowers section, a book shop focusing on body, mind and soul, a naturopathic dispensary, a spa (full, including hairdressers, massages etc.), standard cosmetics section including the likes of Clarins and Garnier, a section with stuff that is normally hard to get (like Dermalogica), a food market with wide organic choice and even recommended special bed mattresses and shower heads demonstration area! Then, just when you think it's all over, you collapse in the deli section with full Kauai-type counter with sandwiches, smoothies and everything else you want to gobble up. It is completely out of control!
Just like the question "have you joined facebook" was on everyone's lips for WAY too long, "have you been to the Wellness Warehouse" is picking up momentum and I SUGGEST you get your answer ready. Go there, and you'll be pleased you did. You'll get lost and won't want to leave. Then you'll go again. And again. Then you'll join discussions over dinner asking WHAT we did before the Wellness Warehouse came along. Like HOW did we cope without cellphones? It's the same thing - but it doesn't give you radiation burn.
It's ALL good and it's something you have never experienced before. It makes the classic South African retail experience look like something out of Tarzan.
