Fixed
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The link to Angelina's sex scene from Original Sin stopped working a few days back. It was then that I found out that there are a large number of you out there who would very dearly like to see young Angelina romping around naked in a bed with Antonio Bandito. It was then that I addressed the situation and fixed the link to the video. So, my people, I present to you, once again, the Angelina Jolie Original Sin Video.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Did you say 'otter'? No, 'utter'
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The main reason for this morning's 'piece' is to give you a link to a website I found which gives the real names of tons of celebrities. It's not something that I would normally alert you about but I couldn't help myself after I found out that Tom 'freak' Cruise's real name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Whaaah! I'd pay good money to run into him and shout out "Hey...MAPOTHER!". He'd turn around, terrified, thinking I was the guy from his school that used to bully him because of his height and nose. You gotta love those yanks who add things like "IV" after their names - like English Royals. Hilarious.

Another interesting one is Michael Keaton, who's real name is Michael Douglas. So, not only does he look like Jake White, but his name is Michael Douglas. Jesus, Mike, who are you?

Check it out here

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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In Jo'burg and Cape Town
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It's all happening. Goldfish have finally released their new CD. It's a 2 disc pack, with a CD and a DVD. So not only can you bob your head to the smooooth sounds of Goldfish, but you watch them at the same time. It's crazy around here! Keep reading and we'll probably give you one of the free albums that we managed to get our hands on.

Obviously when you launch a new album you have to do a 'CD launch'. And when you're Goldfish, you have to do one in Jo'burg and Cape Town.

Jo'burg CD launch | Saturday 29 October | Sudada in Sandton
R60 before 12pm, R80 after

Cape Town CD launch | Friday 4 November | Opium Courtyard
Doors open 10pm, Performance at 11pm, R50 entry

Capetonians score again. They get the ocean AND cheaper entry.

So there you have it. Now if you want to WIN A FREE COPY OF THE NEW GOLDFISH ALBUM, we'll be sending free copies to the first ten people who email us (editor@2oceansvibe.com) and tell us what the name of the new Goldfish album is. Use the subject "Goldfish Competition".

UPDATE: Competition is closed

Finally Nemo was taken seriously as a recording artist

Here is some info we extracted from the press release:

With the launch of GOLDFISH’s new CD, Caught in the loop,(That first sentence probably contains important info for the competition) it’s time that South Africa discovered what music industry players internationally have known for some time…. that there’s an exciting new sound on the world dance and groove scene, and it’s coming out of South Africa.

Headed by David Poole and Dominic Peters, GOLDFISH is a breath of fresh air in the South African music scene, and in two short years this duo have indelibly stamped their mark on electronic music world-wide, with tracks already appearing on compilations in Europe, Australia, and Asia. Their single, “Dream” has already appeared on Palace lounge presents Cafe d Afrique II, The Clio Va Va Voom Edition (track 1), as well as on Breathe Sunshine vol.2 - track 4 (voted 4th best compilation by UK music festival and website - The Big Chill).

When performing live, they’re DJ’s so to speak, but there’s no predestined CD or Vinyl involved. All the musical elements are created live. Anything can happen, and often does, allowing the musicians to bring in the fluidity and spontaneity of Jazz and combine it with anything from dance to chill out.

The album is a double-disc release consisting of a CD, as well as a DVD, which features a documentary\interview, and VJ set by the legendary group Iaminawe - mixing videos of Goldfish’s live performance and animation to the sounds of the album.

The album is a continuation of tracks that have developed live and in the studio in the past two years, combining influences from jazz, dance, African music and downtempo, into a unique, truly African sound, and features a wide variety of different guest artists from South Africa and Dominic’s place of birth, Zimbabwe.

We cannot comment whether or not Rob Mugabe is a fan of the group.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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This week's reason why Old Mutual have banned 2oceansvibe
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A team player, Jammo W, quietly sent a link to me this morning. Well, he certainly hit the jackpot. I was presented with a scrolling lineup of God-knows-how-many women in various styles of clothing. As my mouse went over each one, their clothes disappeared! It's genius! Now we have an actual online reference to help us learn what women look like UNDER their clothes. Not only that, if you left-click them, they flip around and you can have a squizz at their bottoms. Say that out loud - "bottoms". Or would you prefer "bums"? Which is more offensive? Sticking to the point, I know that I've had plench conversations about what I reckon a particular woman looks like under their clothes. You'll be surprised at what you really get...

I enjoyed ending the previous paragraph off with three dots. Sort of leaving you thinking... guessing. Leaving you "in limbo" as it were.

A big thanks to Francois, again, for reminding us
that he won the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE 'REMOVE CLOTHING' WEBSITE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Bring it back
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Finally Capetonians can spend the weekend on the beach doing absolutely nothing and go back to work and make it sound like they did something - simply by saying, "We spent the WHOLE weekend on the beach". In Winter it's criminal to say that you did nothing all weekend. You sound, and feel, useless. But somehow in Summer you get away with it; as long as you do it on the beach. Brilliant concept!

Of course a weekend of beach time will eventually lead to a quiet Millers to get the ball rolling at around 5pm - probably at Caprice. I was impressed with the turnout. A good mix.

Both Tiffany and Emma were absent so we were served by Sylvann. She was good, I'll give her that. Is she the next Tiffany or Emma? I don't know. It's too early to tell. She has the guts to go the distance, but will it be enough for to step up to the plate and put her hand up? Only time will tell.

I chatted to Sox, the Caprice DJ and, due to the Camps Bay environment, I thought it would be fitting for him to play Corey Hart's 80's tune, "I wear my sunglasses at night". some of you might remember it. I'll give you an extract:

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Watch you weave
Then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes

While she's deceiving me
It cuts my security
Has she got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade
On the guy in shades, oh-no
Don't masquerade
With the guy in shades, oh-no
I can't believe it
'Cause you got it made
With the guy in shades, oh-no

"Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades". Is that not just one of the most amazing lines you've ever heard?

This song HAS to make a comeback. It's tailor made for now. It's also great in the gym. If you're wondering what Corey Hart looks/ed like, please cast your eyes over these amazing pics.

Corey, wearing his sunglasses.
Probably at night.

Back to the waitresses. I was chatting to someone the other day and we were discussing the legal ages for things. You can smoke at 16. You can have sex at 16. You can only work when you're 17. When you're 18 you can drink alcohol and drive a car. But you can only be insured when you're 21. So you can't get pissed at 17 - but you can earn money, chain smoke and have sex all day. At least it teaches you what sober sex is like, before you turn 18 and forget altogether. So then at 18, when you start getting pissed, chain smoking and having sex, we'll throw in a car and a driver's license for good measure. Interesting.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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S.A. rugby's very own sex symbols FINALLY goes digital
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Well......I have found my Graceland. Just this week I received an email from AJ Venter. The subject of the email was "AJ Venter". I opened the email. Well knock me backwards, there was a link to www.ajventer.com !

I know you're reading this Aaah Yeah, so I'll tell you one thing - pretty fucking ballsy going for the dot com, and not the .co.za. Going through my list of local household names, I can't think of anyone who would have had the confidence to go the dot com global commodity route. For example, you could never have a jeremymansfield.com - that would just be lying. He's not global. He's not international. He's not up there with Sony, IBM, Porsche, Dolce & Gabanna, AJ Venter, Nike, Pepsi......All of those big brands, they're all DOT COMS. AJ Venter dot com - it just sounds right!

So now, we can FINALLY look at AJ Venter ANY TIME WE WANT TO. Once on the site, you will be presented with a few options. Each one has been numbered. 01 Home, 02 The Man, 03 The Game, 04 The Blog, 05 The Gallery, 06 The Links. Let me show you the image you are presented with when you click "The Man". You start to understand why the man is a GOD!

A.J - Just killing it

Why does AJ have to dominate like that? Why does he have to kill it? I'll tell you why. Because he can. Because he is AJ Venter and don't let nobody tell you any different.

AJ, I'm just teasing, bugger. Seriously people, AJ is in the 2oceansvibe vibe and deserves a visit from you - you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll see AJ in white linen pants and shirt - www.ajventer.com

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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An unseen clip from the movie - 'Original Sin'
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Jeepers Hudders! Keeping up with this weeks trend of nudity on 2oceansvibe, Angelina gives it a FULL rev in this video clip from the 2001 flick. Honestly, she gives Antonio Banderas a PROPER hiding. They also get tangled into positions I thought only I knew about - apparently they're out there now. It's a very big file and it loads up in your browser. So sit tight and wait....

UPDATE - THIS IS THE NEW LINK TO THE VIDEO

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Behind the scenes at the 2006 Pirelli calendar shoot - fine
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We do it all for you. No-one else. It's why we're here - strictly for your enjoyment. As you may have noticed, we didn't get into the whole Kate Moss coke snorting expo we've seen in the media over the past few weeks. We find it hard to be cruel to supermodels. But we certainly wouldn't hold back from showing their assets to you. I mean, are you just meant to IMAGINE what her breasts look like this year?

Click image to see further than Francois
(Something he will never be able to do)

So there you have it - Kate Moss has cute breasts. But we knew that anyway. Click here for more of these little treats.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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On official PRE-PRINTED posters - it doesn't get more emboerboer
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I heard about this spelling mistake last week but never actually laid eyes on it, until today. I turned to page 11 on the Cape Times and this image was slap bang in the middle of the page. The article had to do with drama within the ANC and God-knows-what-else related to Zuma's future. What threw me was that the writer of the article made ZERO mention of the spelling of the word being 'TRAIL', and not 'TRIAL'. He didn't refer to the poster at all. Please tell me he wanted to use the image to put across something that he WANTED to say, but couldn't. PLEASE don't tell me that he missed it!

That aside, how on God's green Earth is ANYONE able to mass produce professionally printed posters with ONLY 6 WORDS; and get one of the words incorrect? Not only do they get one of the words wrong - but they get THE MAIN WORD WRONG! Oh my God! How emwoerwoer!

It's too special.

And please, feel free at any stage to visit the Friends of Jacob Zuma website.

Even when camping, they were unfair to Zuma

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Seth's Christmas gift #1
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Our friends at Splattermail said they would be doing all of their Christmas shopping on this website. While I certainly am a massive fan of semi see through female underwear, I did have something else in mind for Christmas. Just the one thing, really. I was paging through the latest Wallpaper magazine and came across this beautiful accessory.

Give this puppy a little click to enlarge it

What the fuck is that, I hear you ask. Let me tell you. It is called the "Vice Case" and is made by S.T. Du Pont. When the main panel is opened, the two clasps reveal the following: four whisky tumblers and a decanter by Baccarat, a mini humidor for cigars, cigarettes, a lighter, cigar cutter, secret drawer, two sets of cards, four dice, chips, and a games set.

WOW!!! Now everyone can be James Bond. Or a Russian guy in one of the Bond films! Imagine quietly pulling round to a buddy's house with that little guy in hand! And yes, you are 100% correct - you did read the words 'secret drawer'. God, it's perfect! What would YOU store in the secret drawer? Personally, I'd like to squeeze in the four Cambodian kids I have working under the floorboards at home. They would probably fit too! Imagine it! You're downing a couple of Scotch's over a game of Blackjack, with a Cuban cigar in your hand when, suddenly, brand new slip slops are being produced at 5 pairs a minute - from the secret drawer! My friends would be so impressed!

Stunning!


"Is that your laptop, Sir?"
"No, no, it's just a binge facility"

I think the sad thing about this beautiful device is that Hunter S Thompson never got to see it. Chr*st! Can you imagine what he would have put in the secret drawer!

So why don't you lot put some money together (5,000 Pounds is the price tag) and spoil Seth?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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I'll take fashion
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The lack of a Monday and Tuesday morning articles can almost certainly be due to my first proper Sunday night Cafe Caprice test run. I've done a few Sundays over the last month, but not PROPERLY. I wasn't ready yet. The feeling wasn't there yet. I now know for sure that the feeling is back. So, apologies, but I had to get back into character.

We've been keeping our eye on the little 'Crocs' shoe stand at the V&A Waterfront, in the 'new' section. You'll find the stand in the stretch betwen Levi's and Pick n Pay, near Vida e. You won't miss it - trust me. You'll know you're at the right place when you feel as though the World is being taking over by a rainbow of clogs. Standard clogs, like Heidi would have worn, are bad as it is, but these little bastards have taken ugly shoes to a new level. Allow me to demonstrate. You might want to get a bucket before you look directly at this image. If you are sensitive or have a weak heart you may want to move on to the next paragraph.

Don't look directly at it

So there you have it! The only kind of shoe they would probably allow in a maximum security mental institution. From the look of the shoe you can just imagine the salesman rattling off ALL SORTS of benefits. "The MATERIAL WE USE (add American accent here) is blah-blah-blah and moulds to the shape of your foot and doesn't smell and grips onto any surface and blah and blah and bleh and bluh." CORK IT BUDDY - they look revolting. I wouldn't wear them at an ABBA themed costume party. A website on the "internet" reports, " The shoe type has been associated with poverty and any iniatives to promote interest in clogs have always met with disappointment."

We're in Cape Town, my love. Fashion over function. I know people who would prefer walking on good looking crushed glass. They could take off one day, but no-one is going to buy ugly clothes unless they've seen Paris Hilton, Posh, Aniston, Britney, J-lo, Monaco's Royal Family and Madonna wearing them already. Look at Ugg boots, no-one would have just purchased them on a whim. Queen Mary II acquired five pairs of satin clogs with gold and silver lacing in 1694. Give those glitsy puppies a bash in Cape Town and you might shift some units. Crocs do stock a slip slop range - maybe start there?

I have spotted a few people around wearing them. I saw a number of Germans wearing them on the way out of Cape Town - at the airport - when I was en route to the UK last month. I also saw the owner of the Crocs stand wearing them at Caprice on Saturday morning. But then I ALSO saw them in a shop on the King's Road in London - arguably one of London's higher priced roads for the rental of retail space. I spotted the things through a shop window and went in to price them. 21 Pounds (roughly R230) is what I saw on the price tag. God knows where these things are made, but for someone on the King's Road to import them and mark them up to 21 Pounds to support his rent, the cost of the things must be considerably lower. Why then is our guy with his little stand at the Waterfront selling them for R400?

Too many questions, not enough answers.

Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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And threatens to kill him
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Well, not really. But he did have a fight with the now brainwashed Katie and told the once-cool Tom Cruise, "You're no good". He was referring to Cruise knocking up Katie, getting married and getting her to convert to Scientology. Something I would probably also have a problem with. Obviously I'm not a parent so I can't fully comprehend what it feels like. Although I do have a house mate, Mark, and I suppose I'd be pretty pissed off if Cruise made him pregnant, maried him and get him to convert to Scientology.

So he told him he was 'no good'.

"You're no good"?.......... Is that it? If Martin Holmes (Marty) wasn't a hard core Catholic he would have probably said something a bit more meaningful. Something like, "You're a fuck-nut freak". Or maybe just, "Fuck you, Charlie Babbitt!"

Personally I would have said, "Son, my daughter lives in a body that has a vagina and that vagina needs to be guarded by men with condoms. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Pacey? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for L. Ron Hubbard and curse psychiatric medicine; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that prescription drugs, while tragic, probably saved lives and that their existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want a condom on that penis, you need a condom on that penis! We use words like sanity, medicine, safe-sex. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend lunatics like yourself. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very daughter I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a morning-after-pill and give up Scientology. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Is that an alien in your tummy, or are you just happy to see me?

Speculation is still abound as to how Cruise actually impregnated Katie. I doubt he used his actual penis. I'm pretty sure his penis fell off and was bronzed many years ago - like my Mother did to my sandals I used to wear as a kid. I don't know what is more worrying - your Mother actually bronzed your sandals, or having a constant reminder on the mantle piece of the footwear your Mother used to make you wear.

We're losing focus here - catch the original story at MSNBC

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Is taking over 'out-the-box' thinking
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And here is the latest newsletter - two days later than it was emailed out. What have we learnt here? I'll tell you. We've learnt that if you add your name to the newsletter list (Click the link in the red section at the top of the page) then you will be just ahead of everyone else who thinks they can fart around and keep their finger off the pulse. That's not cool. It's not your vibe. You're better than that. Now run along and subscribe to the newsletter.

So here it is, the latest Newsletter - Two days late

October 2005 - 2oceansvibe Newsletter Volume 11

My maid at home... I beg your pardon, my DOMESTIC EXECUTIVE must hate the days when she arrives at work and finds out that my car is still in the garage. I like to pretend that I am Lord o' the manor which, essentially, I am. I shout down the stairs that I require a coffee and a bowl of muesli with sliced banana. I use a slightly harrassed tone of voice, indicating that my morning routine in my bedroom is something quite intricate and something that she would never be able to fathom. Then I get the knock at the bedroom door. With my thick pure cotton nighting gown (I like saying 'nighting gown instead of 'night gown') and dunhill slippers, I open the door only slightly, as though there are things in the bedroom that may blind her forever. She hands over the coffee and muesli without looking me in the eye, her hands shaking - the result of a previous scolding. "Thank you", I utter. She doesn't respond. She just smiles, pleased with the success of the operation. I remove the gown and return to the toilet, where I am now, naked, writing this newsletter to you.

Moving swiftly on. Two VERY important things. Firstly, NOW EVERYONE, INCLUDING EMPLOYEES AT INVESTEC, OLD MUTUAL AND DELOITTES ARE ABLE TO GET AROUND THE SYSTEM AND VIEW THEIR DAILY DOSE OF 2OCEANSVIBE.COM.

Now, for the first time, employees of these big brother institutions are able to think for themselves. That's right! You can now make your own decisions. God, it's liberating! Imagine, deciding on what you want to read, when you want to read it! That's right, my sweet angels. God has bestowed upon us HOPSTER. www.hopster.com - go there now. The website claims: "Freedom is just five minutes away! With just a little more than 1Mb, downloading hopster is just a matter of minutes. And it even configures itself automatically" (thank God, 'cos you wouldn't know what the f*ck to do anyway). So go get it! The demo version is all you need for 2oceansvibe. Thanks Chris.

So those of you who have friends who cry themselves to sleep because they can't get 2oceansvibe at work, forward them this email and save a life today!

Secondly, we have decided to launch Mr. 2oceansvibe 2005! I know. I know. Keep your pants on, ladies! After last year's mind blowing race to the finish, there is a lot to live up to this year. We contacted last year's winner, Mr. 2oceansvibe 2004, Pieter Dixon in his new home town, Bath, England. Pieter had this to say, "Jes*s, are you serious?! Has it been a year already? Sh*t! Well, I dunno, I suppose all I can say is that it's been an awesome year! There's no doubt that chicks dig me. Doors just seem to open for me. Good luck to the next winner, it's one helluva a year my boych!".

With a little help, Seth congratulates last year's winner.
Mr. 2oceansvibe 2004, Pieter Dixon.

So there you have it! It's on! Mr. 2oceansvibe 2005! The title is there for the taking! We have a short list for half of the 24 entries we will allow. But from here it's up to you! We need 12 more names, photographs and vital statistics to join in the runnings. Send to editor@2oceansvibe.com - Same rules as last year - only single guys and only from Cape Town. As much as we love the rest of you, we have to maintain some sort of Cape Town affiliation. There are no two oceans in Schweeberg. 2oceansvibe.com = Cape Town. Get it? After all, we're not flying anyone down from the UK, US or Schweeberg for prize giving.

God, that was an action packed newsletter. I need another Jammies, and you need to get the show on the road. Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company. M-I-C (see ya real soon), K-E-Y (why? Because we like you!), M-O-U-S-E.

EXTRA: We forgot to mention these guys who set off in early July (this year) in a 4X4 Land Rover to drive up from Cape Town to Lamu, Kenya. From Lamu they dismounted the three kayaks and began the paddle down to Kosi Bay in Mozambique with the 4X4 following them along the coastline. Interesting vibe - check it out at www.k2k.co.za

Much love,

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Surprise Surprise !
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Amusing, to say the least. Backing up our recent report that Michael Owen and Jonny Wilkinson are, in fact, the same person; we learn that MICHAEL OWEN HAS BEEN MADE CAPTAIN OF THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL SIDE!

OF COURSE HE IS ! Why wouldn't he be?

God, can it be more obvious? I mean, they've already made it easier for HIM (Wilkowen) to continue the Owen/Wilkinson charade by having Real Madrid "sell" Michael Owen to Newcastle Football Club - the same town that "Jonny Wilkinson" plays rugby. It seems that moving the "two of them" to the same town and letting them "both" wear number 10 jerseys is not easy enough for Wilkowen to make-pretend.

Who am I?

Sadly, David Beckham has been roped into the charade as well. He was given a red card this last weekend. This was obviously to facilitate Michael Owen being made captain of the England football side. Is this really necessary, just to help Wilkowen maintain both guises? Must the nation suffer, just because ONE MAN is too talented to play just one sport? I'm sure he can remember that he is only the captain of England Rugby? SURELY when he plays for the SAME town, with the SAME gorgeous face and the SAME number, he can remember just this one thing? Noooooo! That's not enough for Wilkowen! Noooo! I'm just being a little spoilt brat! I don't want to have to remember anything! I just want ONE number! I want just ONE club! I want to look the same! I want to be the captain of EVERYTHING!

Pathetic! And selfish.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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A moment in time
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This is a true story. I was taking a rest in the lounge after a 3 hour session on Clifton second beach this Sunday. Between naps and random TV watching (without sound - preferring to rather play music in the background), I noticed a close-to-empty glass of Liqui Fruit Summer Pine on the table in front of me, obscuring my sideways view of the television. As I was about to move the glass out of the way, I noticed a fly swimming in the left over summer pine flavour fruit juice. It was giving quite a good effort and I watched it for a while. Then I thought maybe it was cruel to simply watch the fly suffer like that - right in front of me. I weighed up the differences between swatting a fly (instant death) and watching a fly drown (immense suffering) in Summer Pine flavoured fruit juice. I decided the right thing to do would be to save the fly's life, give it a couple seconds enjoyment/relief; and then kill it. As I was about to get up from my resting place I noticed that the fly had stopped swimming. I was too late. The fly was dead. It died in a glass of Summer Pine.

Now here is the unbelievable, yet true, part of the story. At the very point of the fly's death, I realised what chorus had just kicked in on my ipod, which was playing through the surround sound in the lounge. It was Bananarama's 'Cruel Summer'. I looked at the now dead fly in the glass of Summer Pine and thought to myself, "Cruel summer indeed. Cruel summer pine."

Liqui Fruit's Cruel Summer Pine flavour

And so, ladies and gentlemen, in memory of our friend, the dead fly:

Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around
Too hot to handle, baby
Trying to smile
But the air is so heavy and dry
How could you leave me waiting
Strange voices are saying
What did they say
Things I can't understand
It's too close for comfort
This heat has got right out of hand

(chorus x 2)
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you've gone

The city is crowded
My friends are away
And I'm on my own
Too hot to handle, baby
It's too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As World media refuses to acknowledge they are the same person
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We've kept quiet for a number of years now, allowing the amusement to continue. Like most obvious things, we've waited for someone else to discuss it. Because 2oceansvibe is so selective over it's content, we very often ignore breaking news. When it first became apparent that the supremely talented Johnny Wilkinson and Michael Owen were, in fact, the same person, we assumed someone else would pick up on it. But no, we read nothing. No-one uttered a word.

Isn't it odd that they are never photographed together? Isn't it odd that they never play "their" respective sports at the same time? Those were the glaring observations that everyone failed to notice. But then on Friday I was informed of a VERY convenient turn of events! For those of you who don't know, Jonny Wilkininson has been injured for quite some time (appendix??!) - allowing Michael Owen to take his rightful place with Newcastle and England after a spell on the bench for Real Madrid. Makes sense - I suppose it was all too much; flying from Spain back to Newcastle, week in and week out! So Real Madrid CONVENIENTLY, 'sold' their star (Owen) to Newcastle (this time, the football side) so he can continue the charade without it affecting his sleeping patterns.

Rugby	Football
Football	Rugby
Rugby	Football
WILKOWEN - In his various guises

I laughed when I saw Wilkinson playing OFF THE BENCH for Newcastle Falcons recently - no wonder, he had a big game for England against Austria on the Tuesday Night!

But WAIT! There's MORE! Just as the pre World Cup qualifiers (football) are finishing, and with Thursday's game against Poland out the way, he can now take up his starting position for Newcastle (rugby) and focus on his beloved number 10 berth. And guess what the next article exclaims - 'Michael Owen fitness doubts'. It's too much!

My London contact has informed me of a recent bizarre article in which "Wilkinson" is pleased to have "Owen" in his home town and goes on to say that he " hasn't met him yet, but is grateful for Owen joining the Magpies as he has helped lift the sports profile of the region" (even more than he did originally, I suppose!). AMAZING how they're starting to panic and are even willing to feature "both" stars in the same articles! Whatever, Wilkowen! You don't fool us.

UPDATE: I think it would be silly not to mention that both Wilkinson and Owen wear the number 10 jersey?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The brainwashing continues, as we sit back and do NOTHING
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Joey Potter, a sweet little girl from the village of Dawsons Creek has lost her innocence. This week, to the shock of Mother Earth, it was announced that a foreign body inside her womb had somehow manifested itself into a foetus.

2oceansvibe visited the area of Dawsons Creek earlier this week to investigate. There were, according to some locals, reports of alien activity in the village.

A local boat hand, Pacey Witter, had this to say:

"We were all chilling in the bar the other night and suddenly a few strange looking fellas walked in. They had white gay military outfits on with big quirky smiles and the leader had a fairly large nose. He called himself 'Maverick' and was incredibly short. His friend's also had wierd names. The one was called 'Goose'. After trying to get the juke box to work with some strange coins which had the word 'MARS' on it, he stared at the barman. The barman, who usually doesn't enjoy strangers, walked silently like a robot towards Maverick and handed him some local money. Maverick chose a song on the jukebox and walked over to Joey before the song started. Out of his asshole he pulled a microphone and, after tapping his friend on the shoulder, he turned to Joey and sang the song on the juke box - 'You've lost that loving feeling'".

A clearly brainwashed Katie Holmes and 'The Bastard'

2OV: "What happened next, Pace?"

Pacey: "Well, Joey was transfixed, almost hypnotised. Maverick continued to stare at her, almost deep into her very soul. Another one of his friends tapped him on the shoulder and said "Come on, Mav, not this one, she's a kid!"

2OV: "Ok, then what?"

Pacey: "Then Maverick turned around to this guy and said, "What's your problem Kazinski?". So Kazinski goes, "You're everybody's problem! That's because everytime we come to Earth you are UNSAFE! I don't like you....because you're DANGEROUS".

2OV: "Jesus! Did they have an argument?"

Pacey: "No, Maverick turned to Kazinski and called him another name. He said to him, "That's right......ICE......MAN.....I AM dangerous". He stroked Kazinski's shoulder whilst he said this.

2OV: "What did Kazinski do"

Pacey: "Hi stared at Maverick and gnashed his teeth together".

2OV: "Where do you reckon these guys were from?"

Pacey: "They were, without a doubt, aliens. They were definitely also perfectionists - they kept on referring to themselves being the 'best of the best. I am certain that Maverick injected alien sperm into Joey"

2OV: "So when did he impregnate Joey?"

Pacey: "We can't be sure. The one night he was spotted on his motor bike at the airport, driving at high speed down the runway, underneath the planes, punching his fist in the air and whooping like a madman. That was before he went to fetch Joey Potter at her house. Now she's pregnant".

So he was obviously gaining impregnation powers from the mother ship. From there he must have gone to fetch her and, while under the spell of his nose, she became inverted and received his seed.

Original story here (People magazine)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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2oceansvibe takes it's readers out for some air
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Good Morning my loved ones! Aaaah. Take a deep breath. Aaah. God, it's a beautiful day! We've decided to take the webcam out for a spin, to see what it can do. We did it before and it was a raging success. So, why don't you kick off your shoes at your desk and click on 'LIVE WEBCAM' in the left menu and get a piece of the Atlantic Seaboard.

We've positioned the webcam to show Robben Island (to the right of the picture). Yes, yes, this is the place where Nelson Mandela spent 27 years. You must have heard about it. Perhaps you thought it was a fairy tale? No, Sir! It's true, and it's right here for you to feast yours eyes upon. 2oceansvibe, more than just a laugh - a history lesson too.

So, to my London massive, enjoy it. And don't pretend you don't need it. We've seen the weather forecasts. We know it's pouring like a bitch over there. Shame, my babies. And to the peeps over the mountain (Newlands etc.) in their own little micro eco-system, enjoy it. For all we know there could very easily be a tsunami engulfing Forries right this second.

I ventured into Newlands the other day, using the off ramp next to the President's house. I came to a stop street and noticed something out the corner of my eye, moving on the grass. I turned to look and saw a fucking duck! A full-on farm-type duck! Nuzzling its filthy little beak into the moist grass (I feel a concept for a porn movie coming on). I was blown away. Then I saw all the dogs and station wagons and I felt broody.

That's more than enough! Enjoy the view, my sweets.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The readers get better at TBG sightings
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Apart from this potential TBG sighting in the States (Not the Orange Free State, the United States of America):

I think I might have seen the TBG streaking past me in a Cadillac CTS (the ones they trashed in Matrix Revolutions...? The second one), heading south on the higway leaving the millionaire's cottage country playground of the Muskokas (north of Toronto) at the end of the Labour Day weekend. It where stars like Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell have their holiday "cottages" which probably go for about $1 million each.

A possible sighting, just thought I'd let you know

We have received another new sighting from Paul T, with photographic evidence.

TBG sighting rendered these two speechless

Judging by the person in the background's stance, it could very easily be the TBG. The excitement on the faces of the two drunkards also points very much towards the sensation one feels when in the presence of the great man. We gave the photograph to our professionals in the lab.

Such poise. Such grace.

Well, suck me sideways! It IS the TBG! Congrats to the professionals in the lab - good work. The angle of the man's head, the perfection of his neck, the blondeness of his hair, the shades on the T-shirt..... they all point to one thing - a superb individual - The TBG. TBG forever.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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A rookie error
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It really irks me (PLEASE enjoy the word 'irk') when people send in incorrect sightings of the TBG - asking if it is him. Let me help you with the decision making process. Did you feel a sense of euphoria when you saw him? Did you get a tingle down your spine? Did it seem like all the World's problems had come to an end? Because if it didn't feel like that, then it probably wasn't the TBG.

I quote Jules, who sent in a TBG sighting a few months back:

"....the man is indeed a legend. I now understand the kind of peace that washes over one who sees the TBG - I feel my work here is done. My life is complete and all my goals have been achieved. Long live the TBG!"

Now can you HONESTLY tell me that you received a similair sensation when you saw this fellow?

Definitely not the TBG

This, from Richard B :

"Was at Gordons bay the other weekend and I think our waiter was TBG. Luckily we had a camera on hand and managed to snap him, is the TBG trying to hide away from fame he has surmounted through 2oceansvibe, and living as a recluse in the small fishing village of Gordons bay? Please confirm it is him. Also is he sporting a funky goatee like strip on his face?"

No, Richard B, it is NOT the great man. Nor does the TBG sport a goatee (the one in the pic is CERTAINLY NOT funky). He also does NOT live as a recluse in Gordon's Bay. The TBG is a man of the moment. He drives a Harley Davidson, hangs on the Atlantic Seaboard and pumps hot chicks. Get it right.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Seth gets serious, and this time he is a real estate expert
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I've never claimed to be a property expert and I certainly don't know anything about bonds and interest rates and erf's and transfers and god-knows-what else goes hand-in-hand with buying real estate. (I must just say that 'erf' has been my funniest word since the late-80's.) All I know is what friends tell me and what I see. Luckily, these invidivuals are usually pretty connected, with their ear to the ground. If I HAD to take a stance on 'the bubble bursting', I would say that I've heard the same thing (the end is near!) for the last five years and it's boring me. In those five years that people have been too scared to buy, I know handfuls of people who have bought and sold - all of them making money in the process - some of them a small fortune. Due to the crazy prices on the Atlantic Seaboard, I was only really able to 'enter the game' on the other side of the mountain. My house mates and I bought two town houses off-plan, and flogged them a few months later - before they were built. We all made a nice chunk of cash. Now people trying to do the same thing ask me how we did it - like it was verging on brain surgery. Like we're gifted. Like we're special. I'll say one thing, the only way to do it is to do it. It won't happen unless you do it. That is Seth's profound advice of the week.

Enter 'Bluegate'. These are some friends of mine who I've been working with over the last few months. They're a company run by young people and they do developments and were behind the new Rondebosch Village development next to the Rondebosch Common (Sportman's Warehouse corner). I wanted to have another stab at "the game" and was struggling to find anything under R1 million. It's very worrying how greedy some developers are. You've seen the kind of over-pricing I'm talking about. I had a bash at the Rondebosch Village development and, including all costs, legal fees, bond registration, transfer AND parking, the price was R495,000 for a studio apartment. Another couple of friends also gave it a go and we've all seen a very good return. Rondebosch Village initially sold out, but apparently due to bond rejections, divorces, people turning gay etc. there are still a few available (I found this out literally this morning).

Bluegate Properties - Seth approves

The launches for these things can be a bit of a feeding frenzy so we were lucky enough to be invited to a pre-launch (keyword - remember this). The recent Riviera Close (in Pretoria) sold out all 104 units in three days. I was so impressed and wanted to inform my cherished 2oceansvibe readers (that's you) - who I absolutely adore. I got some info from the guys and apparently Bluegate have sold 270 units in 11 months with collective sales in excess of R200 million. I sat up and took note. Listen to me now - have I ever let you down? These guys are good.

So, wanting to pass on my new found real estate knowledge, they're doing a new development in Johannesberg. I've been told the 2oceansvibe following in Schweeberg is quite strong so I hope you guys are going to take heed of this! The next scheme they're doing is in Randburg and will be launching at the end of October. It's called Acorn Ridge. Obviously with these things the key is to get in early. My guys have told me that you can register to be invited to a pre-launch (we chatted about this earlier) at www.bluegate.co.za.

So if you want to fart around and umm and aaah then feel free. But if you want to do yourself a favour, then go to these guys. Go and make some money. And then come back and tell me that you're over the moon. Come back and tell me how happy you are that you trust in 2oceansvibe. Have I ever let you down?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Sung to the tune of yesteryear's hit, "Spin spin sugar"
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I lay next to the pool from 2 o clock yesterday. By 4 o clock I was feeling the summer feeling. The feeling that just makes you want to play Jay-Z's 'HOVE' (H to the izzo) and pretend we're right back where we were last summer. I decided to go for a swim. I got into my car and headed down the road to Camps Bay.

Oh my shattered nerves.

The first sensation was joining a queue of cars into Camps Bay - starting at Glen Beach. I didn't mind it. Little angels in their cars with wet hair. Waves of memories mounted my body. Waves of pleasure, even. Rolling into Camps Bay produced one of the better Camps Bay Strip parking places. That little spot outside Sand Bar which looks like its a driveway, but it's not. Look further than the lowered pavement stones, people, there are tables and chairs on the 'driveway'. The combination of the sun, the queue, the packed beach and my 'door spot' parking place brought me close to euphoria. Euphoria was only reached once I felt the sand between my toes and submerged myself into the Atlantic Ocean. The classic "Sorry, can you look after my towel" approach ensured a chat with a little angel before I re-emerged, glistening from the salt water. I looked down at my body and, although there isn't any major change since last season, I am happy with it.

Thank God the renovations at Caprice have finished. Good job, kids. It's looking good. I settled in after my swim and a couple of us had dinner.

BYOH - Bring your own helmet

Aaah yes, all the usual suspects were present. Some people clearly couldn't contain their excitement. There were some interesting scenarios. One fellow arrived in full police/security guard gear - with a helmet on. Including a 2-way radio (been dying to say that for years), 9mm pistol, handcuffs and torch. He approached a table near us where he was given four high-fives from the table and then downed two tequila's. Now, I'm a pretty liberal, non-conservative guy, but if you ask me, I think downing alcohol with a pistol on your hip is a little risque. We decided, judging my the gentleman's jaw line and stubble length - he was almost certainly a stripper who was en route to a 'gig'.

We're still on the same topic but I had to start another paragraph. It was getting cluttered. So the guy in the police outfit removed his helmet and handed it to his friend who was EASILY the most excited guy at Caprice. He was bouncing of the walls long before cop-stripper guy arrived. His hair hair long and Fabio-like and he wore shades long after the sun set. He hurtled inside at high speeds - with the helmet on. That was when I noticed the shiny silver writing at the top of the back of his vest (you knew it was a vest, didn't you?) - it read, "Fuck You". At the top of the back of the vest. "Fuck You". In shiny silver writing. Are you with me? It said "Fuck You". In shiny silver.

Hmmm.

Ok.

Good.

Good.

Nice one.

I have to wrap it up there, team. I'm calling it for the day. Mink party tonight.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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One of this year's greatest video clips
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I get a lot of crap sent to me and can honestly say that the good stuff is few and far between. I thought I had put this clip on the site already and realised I hadn't. It's a video showing a series of clips from actual Knight Rider footage which were obviously not used, due to the Hoff swearing. I believe they're called 'outtakes' in "The industry". My favourite is Michael Knight saying some sort of technical jargon to KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand), followed by Knight saying, "Whatever the fuck that means!". Quality. Pure quality. Sorry, I didn't mean to cuss back there.

Michael undressed another helpless victim with his eyes

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE FINEST HASSELHOF VIDEO (1Mb+)
Right click and 'Save target as'
It's too funny

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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A public announcement
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It's always a pleasure receiving stuff like this. I have a genuine problem with speed traps and have learnt where they are. Then you get the ones that confuse the crap out of you. Thank God there are people out there who clearly walk the length of the N! searching under every shrub for speed cameras. And look at what they found! Just near Teazers on the N1 heading towards Cape Town, near the Durbanville turn-off. I can hear you all mumbling 'bastards' under your breath.

Click for big pic
 

Click for big pic

2oceansvibe, with you on the "internet", AND the road!

Do you know that I have come across afrikaans people who, when saying the word 'internet', use their fingers above their head to make the listener aware they are using apostrophes in their spech (deeltekens). as if to say that the "internet" isn't a real thing. Like, APPARENTLY there is an internet. Like they're still investigating, but for now we'll play along and call it the "internet". These are the same people that sometimes spell the 'site' part of website, 'saait'. Nice.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Is not made from dogs' balls
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Having just spent some time in London and New York (another reminder that I lead a cosmopolitan lifestyle - adding to my string of attributes), there was one particular dining experience that got my attention. Being a fan of semi-hot foods, I have, along with my house mate, formed a Tabasco Sauce addiction. Before I go on I want to mention that they have produced a garlic Tabasco sauce which is amazing, as well as the Smoked Tabasco sauce. We took a while to get into the smoked one, but we're sold now. The Super Spar in Sea Point don't sell Mello and Mild squeeze mustard OR Carmel gherkins in a tin, but they have smoked Tabasco sauce - wierd. Then there is the green Tabasco sauce which is CALLED the 'Jelapeno Tabasco' but it's actually made from green peppers. I find that confusing. Is that illegal?

Tabasco Sauce - ask for it by name

Moving swiftly on, there was not ONE establishment in either London or New York that didn't have Tabasco sauce when I asked for it (I'm sure I could have juggled that sentence to use the word 'nor' which is a particularly funny word). Neither London NOR New York had restaurants that didn't have Tabasco sauce available. It was like a dream. They would usually bring both the original sauce AND the green one. This brings me to my next point. What the f*ck are our local establishments trying to prove? Tabasco Sauce is an institution and people ask for it for a reason. I am over the local sauces that are produced as a substitute, using humour to get over the fact that they cost less and you get more (volume). That's not the point.

"Hi, could I have some Tabasco sauce please"

"Oh! Ummm. Ummm"

"You don't have Tabasco sauce?"

"Ummm, no. But we..."

"You have a local suace which is twice the size and is called something silly and funny like "Dog's Balls Sauce" or "Bushman's Arsehole Sauce"?"

"Yes! We have Dog's Balls! Tee hee!!!"

"That's very funny, Flo. Now why don't you get that sauce and, whilst my friend hold's your eyes open, I'll pour it into your brain? Would you like that?"

Even better is when they say, "Yes, of course! I'll bring it right away!", and then they bring 'Dog's Fart Sauce". Do they think 'Tabasco' is a generic name?

Go ahead and buy your local sauces (yes yes it's awesome to support local products) and serve them at the table; but if someone asks for Tabasco sauce by NAME, make sure you have a bottle. You don't have to serve it to every table - just have it ready for people who are addicted. While you're at it, make sure the inside of the top is wiped clean.

Have you even seen a bushman's arsehole up close? Have you had a good look at a pair of Dog's balls? They're not nice - I don't think it's funny.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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