The show went well yesterday with The Outside Centre. He arrived late but quickly made up for it with his sharp wit and incredible hairstyle.
The Outside Centre - having the best time of his life
Those of you who have been tuning into The 2oceansvibe Show will be pleased to know that I have acquired a "mixer" and from next week's show (Thursdays 15h30 SA Time), you will no longer struggle to hear the sweet music we have been playing for you on the show. It used to be very faint, but no longer will you suffer. The likes of Laura Branigan and Murray Head will now be coming to you at full volume!
[light clap]
Mavis has been particularly testy of late and her interest in me is now bordering on obsessive. She has started making up very poor reasons to talk and interact with me. I don't know WHAT has brought this on but it needs to stop. She was put on invisible mode the other day for being late. This means that I can't see her. She has to be on red alert as to where and what I am doing - this allows her time to get out of the way if I start walking directly towards her. Now off "invisible mode," she is pretending that everything between us is awesome - often (as I said earlier) making up bullshit reasons to interact with me.
Last MONTH Mavis won about seven grand in the fucking lottery which peeved me no end. She gave me the winning ticket as she didn't know what the process was to claim her winnings. I didn't fucking know, so I gave it to The P.A. to see what could be done. The P.A. naturally sorted it all out and gave Mavis the money. Now that was AGES ago...
Then, SUDDENLY, TODAY, Mavis taps on my car window as I am reversing out of the garage.
Christ Almighty.... (I wound down the window)
"YES, Mavis?"
"I just wanted to say thank you for the ticket"
"What?"
"The ticket"
"The TICKET? What the fuck are you talking about, Mavis? Do you mean 'TIK'?, because that is what is coming to mind at the moment"
"No, the TICKET. With the money."
"The ticket WITH THE MONEY??!?!? Ohhh! The lottery ticket?"
"Yes. Thank you!"
"Ok. Cool. Whatever."
"Can I buy you a box of chocolates to say thank you?" she asks.
I can imagine some of you are going "aaah sweet" now, but if you hung around you would KNOW she is making this WHOLE thing up.
"No, thank you, Mavis. That is a kind gesture but not necessary. You should rather keep that to buy some more Rothmans"
She coughed and spluttered for a second as I raised the tinted window a little higher so that she could just see my sunglasses.
"I must stop smoking," she decided to add."
"Big time!" I told her, as I wound the window up and put on Senza Una Donna, by Zucchero and Paul Young.
QUITE bizarre, the whole thing.
Anyway, this story was going to be about something completely different but it just seemed to go this way.
I need to get into character before I go to Caprice and then Asoka.
I'll leave you with the aforementioned song. The Personal Jukebox, Sox, has promised to start playing it. It's quite nice to chill to.
Or to make love to.
Or even, just on your own - making love to yourself.
One of my faves, Christina Aguilera is on the new Marie Claire cover overseas somewhere, showing her very pronounced bump. MUCH excitement for all you girls out there!
Have a little child.
It's fine.
Nail that guy down.
Then her will never leave you! And if he does, you'll fucking CLEAN him for maintenance money. You win either way!
Go go go!
Nice, Christina. Very nice, my baby. I'm sure the girls enjoyed those pics.
And so, for the boys, here is another naughty little pic that we must keep to ourselves. Oregan Hoskins has got NOTHING to hide.
This whole "global warming" thing that Al Gore planned seems to be doing the trick. You may have read about the floods along the coast - well here are some naked pics taken in Plett / Sedgefield, sent in by Jase showing Gore's success.
I know....I know - I was just as shocked as you were but yes, we have acquired a shot of Gisele for Tuesday Tabs. I won't ramble on too much here because it is 10 to five on Tuesday arvee and I want the desk robots out their to get their Tuesday fix, before they clock out for the day.
Enjoy it. It looks like Tuesday Tabs might have an extra Tuesday TREAT for you if you click nicely.
Featuring The Outside Centre - Robbie Fleck [permalink]
And we cruise, quite effortlessly, into the THIRD live online radio broadcast of The 2oceansvibe Show.
This week the show's electric guest list continues to please, as we bring you The Outside Centre - as we gain more insight into The 2oceansvibe Characters and what makes them so sexual.
The James Hunt of South African rugby gave us a glorious spell of magic and mayhem during a rugby career that ran over the turn of the century. A solid, powerful performer who went nothing short of full-steam-ahead.
"Rob Fleck will fucking drop that guy"
Passionate, controversial, silver-haired - let's find out a little more about Robbie Fleck.
Send in your questions to editor@2oceansvibe.com and I'll break 'em down for you. (subject: The Outside Centre)
Text messages DURING THE SHOW can be sent to +27 76 907 3679
The show is LIVE right here on 2oceansvibe on Thursday 15h30
(SA TIME).
Just come back at that time and click the yellow banner in the left menu which, funnily enough, says "2OCEANSVIBE SHOW."
As he ramps a traffic island in Goodwood at 9am on a Monday [permalink]
Words fail me. But I'll try..
Former ANC Chief Whip, Tony Yengeni, was caught drunk-driving yesterday morning at 9am in Goodwood. As we know, cops can't just pull over anyone they feel like. There is a process they follow and it needs to be carried out to the letter, beginning with suspicion. There must be cause for suspicion. I don't know them all, but I know that going through a red light would constitute a valid reason to pull someone over. But today we have learnt another.
It seems that RAMPING A TRAFFIC ISLAND is also cause for concern, and it was this very reason that local cops decided to pull over Tony Yengeni.
They were right on the money, as our boy apparently REEKED of alcohol! He was taken for tests and released on R500 bail.
Yengeni simply MUST have been at Caprice, as I can't imagine where else someone could party THAT hard to still be pissed at 9 in the morning on a Monday! Only Caprice rocks that hard on a Sunday night. He obviously went from Cappers in his black BMW (racist?) STRAIGHT to Grand West casino in Goodwood and then on to his final stop on the traffic island.
A dramatisation of the events that unfolded
It should be mentioned that Tone is currently out on parole for a previous fraud conviction involving a Mercedes-Benz and a big bag of lies. (Umm, that was when he slaughtered that cow, which ended up on the front pages). His parole conditions include his "not being allowed liquor or drugs - except those prescribed by a doctor - until September next year." It is for this very reason that he told the arresting officers that he had taken "flu medication."
WHAAAH! Good one, Tony! That'll work. I'm surprised no-one else uses that one to get off the hook - it's brilliant! And there I was using the old excuse of the magic dragon that flew along the highway next to me and spat tequila into my car's air vents!
I love the way he cannot use any drugs "except those prescribed by a doctor" UNTIL September next year! So any LSD, acid or coke will have to wait for a few months!
thanks simon
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
23 November , 2007
SUMMER OF LOVE AT THE CAMPS BAY CASTLE
Champagne and all things enchanting and sexual [permalink]
It's on windy days like today that she flies so beautifully. She comes alive in the wind. Flapping so freely.......dancing, child-like, with enchanted delight. Ah yes, the pirate flag atop the Camps Bay Castle is synonymous with the life of fun and pleasure.
Look at her go
Whilst our skull-and-crossbones wielding cousins on the high seas have gained a reputation of violence , theft and danger - our intentions are quite amiable. Rascals we may be, but certainly with no ill-intentions unbecoming of men of stature.
A neighbour asked for the flag to be removed the one weekend, because she was hosting a dinner party at her house. She didn't want her friends to think that she lived near to pirates! Don't worry, my darling - you know that we aren't REALLY pirates, don't you?
Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the summer of love at The Camps Bay Castle. Situated just below the house that looks like a wedding cake, there is no mistaking its glory and energy radiating from within.
God, she is glorious!
Magic and mystery, love and desire..
When discussing The Castle with other members of the general public, you will find yourself running into people claiming they are aware of it. Remind them it is the one with the pirate flag. They will carry on a bit about the one they "saw in the paypah" and the fact that it is in "The Glen" and is "on the market." That is when you casually reply, "Oh no it's not that one. That one is.... a castle......... a castle for poofters!"
THE Castle is very different. You'll find all other wannabe "castles" lacking the kind of lifestyle befitting a couple of Lords, welcoming the summer from the bastion of bachelordom. A place where the combined smell of champagne and Piz Buin fills the air, forming a magical wanton mix of excitement and allure. A place where hip-hop on the iPod flows seamlessly into country on vinyal and Mozart slips into Elvis in the blink of an eye. A haven of colourful beach towels, hammocks, splashing water and blow-up beach balls. Play nicely, angels.
The Kitesurfer..
..dealing with bigger issues than you could comprehend
Fair maidens are urged to succumb to the enticing feast of sumptuousness. Your champagne wishes will come true, as you prepare fabulous over-sized salads with Danish feta, rocket (Whoops! You smashed your glass! I'll get you another one - hah hah hah!) and ancient parmesan; whilst the Lords of the Manor discuss money and power over whiskey and beer - constantly praising your attention to detail and your sweet.......sweet smile. Just don't misbehave - unless it's a hiding you're after..
Mmm.... it's so nice..
And don't panic if time seems to slip away, and night becomes near - for there are fires to be lit and blankets to be worn. You just sit over there, darling, and enjoy the international fashion magazines (we simply have to get you that handbag!) peppered with Hello!'s and Vanity Fairs. You deserve it, gorgeous..... after all....you played so nicely today..
After an incredibly amazing debut last week for South Africa's first and only regular online live-streaming radio show - The 2oceansvibe Show (which featured The Character Formerly Known As The Loose Forward), we are happy to announce this week's guest, The Fabrics Guy!
The Fabrics Guy
Currently boarding a plane in London, The Fabrics Guy is returning to Cape Town after a good solid 10+ months in BRISTOL. Yes, that's right.....Bristol. Pale and unhealthy, our boy is back to revitalise himself with a good few months back home.
As a bit of background, The Fabrics Guy is the heir to an international fabric consortium and spends "more time in the air than on the ground." He is 29 years old, single and fluent in English and Mandarin (I swear). He spent a few years living in China, came back for a bit and then went off to Bristol, where he stays between stints in Milan where they have offices and shops.
As you know, each guest is allowed to choose an alcoholic beverage to drink during the show, which is on Thursday, 15h30 - after a boozy lunch at the venue of our choice (TBA). I have been informed that he has chosen Millers beer for the show.
Should be interesting.
All the usual will be featured on the show, including news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - TODAY at 15h30 SA Time.
Simply click the yellow thing on the left at around 15h30 today.
Enjoy it for now, people in London - 'cos it's back to 30 degrees on Saturday. Now I heard on KFM this morning that a roof had been blown off on High Level Road, Sea Point. Not ideal, I thought to myself, maintaining the lotus position I was in. When suddenly, one of the little Cambodian children I keep under my floorboards (who had been allowed out for an hour, due to good behaviour) came running in.
"Lord! Lord! You have a new email!" he announced.
I slapped him across the face for disturbing my meditation and stormed towards the computer. It was there that I found an email from Simon A, with the following image.
Staggering!
Roof - wanked
Look at that! It's fucked! Looks like a job for The Roofer. I'd get on the blower RIGHT now to Leith Roofing if I were them.
You'll be interested to know that the building was Cape Town's first fire station! Incredible! Not sure what fun they could have had in a single storey fire station with no pole. I suppose they got their kicks elsewhere in those days. Like at the first Mavericks, in a brownstone down the road in Bo Kaap. (My weed dealer pronounces this "Boo" Kaap. Bless his rasta locks).
Sophie Anderton caught in News Of The World sting [permalink]
I didn't report on this as I'm not a MASSIVE fan of tabloid stings. But then a reader pointed out that she is a very recent feature on our world famous Tuesday Tabs list.
Finally! The ultimate Cape Town handyman! Grab a pen... [permalink]
I thought I had found the perfect "tame" Cape Town handyman. He was not very different to the naked guy on the beach in Along Came Polly. He was very foreign, had a pony tail and was nothing short of "steamy." He did everything from painting my house to tiling my deck - everything was going great!
That was until he charged R350 to lead a wire along the wall from the TV in my office to the plug socket. R350! To secure a wire to the skirting board! Like I was some sort of a fool. Like I had never touched wire before. Like I didn't know how to hit a hammer against the small nail that secures those little plastic clips around the wire onto the skirting board. Like I couldn't calculate out how much work was involved. I told him to go fuck himself and buried my head in my hands, wondering if people will ever stop fucking people over.
That was before I was put in touch with HomeFixers.
HomeFixers - Thank God
One of the partners is a good friend of mine and his timing couldn't have been any better. He understood that I wouldn't comment until I had taken them through their paces...
Since then The P.A. has called these guys for every job, big and small. Their first job was replacing virtually every light bulbin the Bantry Bay house. That was the job. Nothing else. They came to check the bulbs, went to BUY the bulbs, then came back and put them in! I'm FINE with that! It cost virtually nothing and took them no time.
Then they rewired the "new" stove at The Castle. (You might remember when The Kitesurfer decided to half-install the stove the other day, at 7pm - dinner time). This rewiring process included breaking into the garage which was locked from the inside. No problem whatsoever. That was after we realised the electric board wasn't in another room which was locked - which resulted in them getting someone else to BUY and BRING one of those door keys that have a code written on them, so we could get into the room in the first place. Hectique!
These guys are out of control! And yes, I have had them at The Safe House. They planed down the front door (which mysteriously decided to grow), turned up the geyser, and even installed a little digital safe I bought to store the multitude of raw uncut blood diamonds I keep with me at all times. That, and Lennon's original hand written lyrics for Woman.
There seems to be no limit to what they can do. Here are some other things I found out they can do:
That's pretty much EVERYTHING!
Their pricing system is EXTREMELY fair, charging for time, not bullshit - producing a beautiful well-structured invoice every time. And these boys work FAST. None of the work they have done for me has taken longer than an hour. Check out their rates here. They even have special deals for a full day's work.
After an incredibly amazing debut last week for South Africa's first and only regular online live-streaming radio show - The 2oceansvibe Show (which featured The Character Formerly Known As The Loose Forward), we are happy to announce this week's guest, The Fabrics Guy!
The Fabrics Guy
Currently boarding a plane in London, The Fabrics Guy is returning to Cape Town after a good solid 10+ months in BRISTOL. Yes, that's right.....Bristol. Pale and unhealthy, our boy is back to revitalise himself with a good few months back home.
As a bit of background, The Fabrics Guy is the heir to an international fabric consortium and spends "more time in the air than on the ground." He is 29 years old, single and fluent in English and Mandarin (I swear). He spent a few years living in China, came back for a bit and then went off to Bristol, where he stays between stints in Milan where they have offices and shops.
As you know, each guest is allowed to choose an alcoholic beverage to drink during the show, which is on Thursday, 15h30 - after a boozy lunch at the venue of our choice (TBA). I have been informed that he has chosen Millers beer for the show.
Should be interesting.
All the usual will be featured on the show, including news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - Thursday at 15h30 SA Time.
Originally from the Ukraine, it is surprising she missed the boat to Mavericks as a child, where she would have been groomed into a fine dancer. Nonetheless, Milla Jovovich moved to London at the age of 5 and then on to The States with her folks (The UNITED States, not The FREE State). At school she was teased relentlessly and was called names including "Commie" (communist) and "Russian Spy" - God, kids are cruel.
It's not a big deal anymore because she went on to become all sorts of things, like the face of Revlon and Dior and the star of many films, including The Fifth Element, Joan of Arc and Resident Evil. She is fucking gorgeous and reminds me a bit of Linda Evangelista (interestingly enough, it was Linda who uttered the phrase, "We don't get out of bed for less than $10,000" - good girl!).
Her tabs are cute little guys and they seem very spontaneous.
I don't often laugh out loud. Most things simply aren't that funny these days. Everything just seems to be a variation of something else. MOST comic acts are so bad of late that I actually feel violated after watching them. I generally go home, weakened; I dive into the shower and scrub my body, in particular my ears and eyes, with wire wool - often drawing blood. I collapse in the corner on the floor, naked, holding my knees close to my chest in a little ball, crying, wondering WHY and HOW my time was able to be manipulated and sucked into that particular vortex of crap. (This process can be likened to the meetings people continuously attempt to setup, to discuss issues that could QUITE EASILY be handled via email. God, it's painful).
That will NOT be the case on Wednesday night.
Corne and Twakkie - 19 November to 1 December
LIVE at The Baxter
My DARLING Sascha from Rabbit in a Hat sent me tickets to The Most Amazing Show for Wednesday this week. She is QUITE aware that I can be somewhat picky when it comes to shows and launches and functions, and began her email with a knowing, "Here's something that might grab your fancy..."
Spot on!
I replied with a yes before the pixels had dried on the email. (Fuck I'm on FIRE today!!!!).
If there is one comic act I thoroughly enjoy and always refer to when asked as to what local comedy gets me going, it's The Most Amazing Show, featuring Corne and Twakkie.
I remember a couple years back when The Roofer carried on telling me about The Most Amazing Show. Saying how "amaaaaazing" it was - but not telling me EXACTLY what it was about. I thought he was pissed because he kept on saying it in weird way, using a strange accent. It was very annoying. They (the show) had already finished their run that year and I had to wait a FULL YEAR until I found out what the fuck it was about. Jesus, it was funny.
These guys basically slip into their own little world where they have their own sayings and accent. Referring to you as "golden people" it's all original, good shit. They involve the crowd in a big way and have a slightly sexual undertone - always keen to impress the laydeezzzz. Twakkie (the smaller of the dangerous duo) is not shy to jump on the laps of chicks in the crowd with the mic in his hand, followed by a spotlight - hitting them with things like "Hey sexy lady!" - SITTING ON THEIR LAPS - like a Yorkshire Terrier on its back, looking for a tummy tickle.
It's funny shit.
Try and deal with these pics of our boys:
The Most Amazing Show
with Corne and Twakkie
Are you ok with those pics?
Are you starting to understand what we're dealing with here?
Check out their "interwebsite" here - www.tmas.co.za(Check out some of their MTV stuff in the movies section).
I'm going on Wednesday and I'm already starting to pee myself. The chick I'm taking (right up your street, Twakkie) also said yes without even thinking.
Possibly THE most bizarre thing to happen to me in my life [permalink]
After a wonderful night at Caprice, following their ever successful Caprice Volleyball Day, we were treated to another pearler from our Lord Jesus Christ in the form of today's perfect day (late 20's, no cloud, no wind. Very sexual).
I packed the perfect beach bag and took Libby (my scooter) down to The Strip to grab a princess wrap from Kauai (it was obviously the princess wrap. It's not like they sell anything else). Camps Bay frightened me a bit so I decided to stick to last Sunday's plan and pump a bit of Beta Beach. God it was glorious.
Touch yourself
Everything was just too gorgeous for words. The iPod was throwing out some crackers, as I tossed my Sunday Times into the air along with the Vanity Fair - allowing them both to open in mid-air and fall on top of me untidily. I breathed in the air. The smell of the newspaper, combined with the Vanity Fair and the Piz Buin was incredibly sexual. I had a little tweaker and got into the Beta Beach zone - the zone where hardly a word is spoken and everyone on that beach is thanking God that we have places like this. Where we chill the fuck out without having to worry about a SINGLE THING. It's the one place in Cape Town where you don't HAVE TO do the big fake hello and standard 2 minutes bullshit catch-up. If you recognise someone on Beta, a little nod is MORE than enough. We all came here together to escape. Everything.
It was interesting to note that God and Satan chose Beta Beach as the battleground for today's classic good vs evil clash - as God's beautiful setting was infiltrated by one of Satan's FINEST. Possibly his worst yet.
A peculiarly plain looking man in his late 40's / early 50's entered the scene, stage right.
I began The Lord's Prayer in my mind, hoping he wouldn't set up shop in the BARELY available space between the rocks about 5 meters away from me. I had clearly forgotten some of the words, as our boy flicked open one of those canvas camper chairs. Pretty tame, I thought to myself, watching him erect an umbrella in between his cluster of rocks. That's when he started whistling. I looked up, startled. Not because someone was whistling so loud that it could be heard OVER Sade's Your Love is King playing on my iPod (making full use of our new acquisition, The Bose In-Ear headphones) - it was in response to the surely impossible prospect of this little man being a little man WITH DOGS. On Beta Beach.
Nice dog.
I decided that, although UNHEARD OF on Beta Beach, these dogs are obviously the kind that just sit still and don't bother anyone. It'll be fine. I returned to my secret little world, closed my eyes and floated away.
That was until I felt a wet nose in my face. I opened my eyes and realised my worst fears had come true. The man's revolting, smelly dog was on the loose. Its disgusting snout was now INSIDE my bag, having a go at the crisps I bought from Woolies.
"Ah for fuck sakes," I exclaimed, sitting up to see where the dog's owner had disappeared to. Alarmingly, our boy had not escaped to ANYWHERE. He was EXACTLY where he was before, very relaxed, LOOKING at me and the dog - as though NOTHING was going on.
"Your dog, bru!" I pleaded to the man, pushing the WET mutt away from me, appalled by what was transpiring. I looked at him, expecting him to apologise, or jump up and get his dog and, hopefully, get the fuck off the beach. He didn't move a muscle. But he did respond:
"Come on, man, she's 16 years old," was his retort.
I was stunned.
She is 16 years old...
He went on to say that if I had a problem I should "call the cops."
Oh dear..... WHAT are we dealing with here?
He didn't quite get it. The dog's AGE was irrelevant. I mean, I fucking love dogs but there's a time and place for everything. It just wasn't about that. This wasn't a case of anyone hating dogs or being scared of the dog or ANYTHING else - this was a case of the dog BOTHERING people. I don't give a fuck if the dog has won a Pulitzer Prize and is a direct descendent of The Queen's Corgi's - that's not what it's about.
I explained this to the man, but he just shook his head. I got into the Sunday Times in an attempt to forget what was going on around me. A friend of mine and her boyfriend were also a few meters away and a few minutes later I looked up and spotted the guy pushing the very same dog away from him, disgusted. The dog scuttled away, with something in its mouth, a roll of sorts which had been acquired from the gentleman's packet of goodies next to him.
"You just don't get it, do you?" I asked the evil man who was, AGAIN, simply watching the events unfold. Again he told me the dog was 16 years old. It was too much for me and I informed the man of his unfathomable levels of selfishness and how he was single-handedly ruining everyone's day. I told him that it was PERFECTLY fine for him to take his dogs to Camps Bay beach or Llandudno beach, but people came to this beach to ESCAPE that kind of shit.
"Ooooh, CAMPS BAAAY," he replied in a mocking voice. The kind of overly-posh, larney voice people from Jo'burg put on to tease people from Cape Town. I looked around at my fellow beach-goers, who were shaking their heads in unison. This guy had some serious issues. I have no doubt that he still lives with his mother.
"You're a weirdo," I informed him.
"You should consider rehab," was his outstanding retort.
"You should consider wiping that secret 3 gig folder off your computer before the police get you!" I said.
He seemed miffed and went for a dip. I didn't know what to do. He simply couldn't grasp what was going on. He didn't understand that there was a time and place for dogs and a wet dog nose in one's face was NOT something one has to deal with on this beach. There was only one thing I could think of to let him understand the intrusion. I turned my camera's volume on full and started taking photographs of him.
"Stop taking photographs of me," he said.
"But how else are you going to understand the intrusion you are causing for the rest of us?" I asked.
"What are you going to do with those those photographs?" he replied.
"I'm probably going to take them home and wank over them," I said.
"That's what I thought," said the guy.
A minute passed and, unhappy with the result, I said, quite loudly, "Or MAYBE I'm going to put them on the internet so that everyone can see what people like you look like"
His chest began to heave as he tried, unsuccessfully, to suppress the anger building up inside his weak frame. 10 seconds later he JUMPED UP and began dismantling his umbrella.
Then, without warning, HE CAME AT ME WITH THE BOTTOM PART OF THE UMBRELLA!
"GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!!" he screamed, hysterically - charging at me with the umbrella pole.
I didn't move a muscle. It was simply impossible that he would hit me, on the beach, with an umbrella. It wasn't going to happen. It COULDN'T happen. The day just couldn't get any crazier. And anyway, who hits someone else with an umbrella pole when the person isn't even defending himself?
That was when the guy gave a FULL WIND UP and hit me across my legs and shins with the umbrella pole - bending it over 45 degrees. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED!
"Jesus Christ, bru," I shouted, jumping up, with the pole now in my hand.
"Wipe those pictures off that camera right now," he screamed, fetching the top part of the umbrella. He had the umbrella in his one hand and had also released the PEN he had from his shorts, and was holding it in his other hand - like one would a knife.
The pen - can be used as a sword.
I told the man to put the umbrella down and calm the fuck down. I said I would erase the pictures. Everyone sat down.
I fiddled with the camera as I packed up my things. I couldn't imagine myself staying there much longer.
"There, it's done. The pictures are gone. Do you want to see?" I asked the demented freak show.
"No, I'll take your word for it," he said.
Well, he shouldn't have, because there was no way in hell I wasn't going to keep those pictures for you to see.
Can you believe it?
This is the result of the attack. People have mentioned pressing charges against the guy but I mean, really, do YOU have the time to press charges against someone who's only defense for his dog sniffing faces and stealing food, is that the dog is 16?
No, you don't. These people are best avoided.
Substantial bruising..
Including very unnecessary glimpse of bum
Tennis ball swelling on left shin.
Not ideal.
Otherwise the weekend went very well.
How was yours?
(Monya, I hope you enjoyed that Sunday beach entertainment.)
I've been working on another brief article to do with yesterdays intensely successful online broadcast, but the podcast isn't quite ready yet. I mean, you do want to listen to it in case you missed it, right?
So in the meantime I thought I would fill you in on the Camps Bay vibe today at around 11h00, Friday 16 November, 2007.
LIVE on the interweb - Thursday at 15h30 SA time [permalink]
I doubt you've forgotten the most important day of your life. Tomorrow (Thursday) will be our very first weekly live online radio show called, appropriately, THE 2OCEANSVIBE SHOW!
We'll be having a lunch at Caprice before the show to try out their new "2oceansvibe" cocktails, and to lubricate us before the show. The results will be sure to entertain.
So send in any questions or suggestions to editor@2oceansvibe.com and we'll try and feature them on the show.
HOW TO TUNE IN TO THE SHOW
You'll notice a new piece of yellow in the left menu which says "CLICK HERE FOR THE 2OCEANSVIBE SHOW" - That is what you click on Thursday at 15h30. It will take you to a special page with a special link for the special live streaming.
Listen closely now. Kevin Colvin, an intern at Angle Irish Bank in the US, asked his superior for time off work due to a family emergency.
This is the email:
Kevin's boss, Paul Davis, had a little squizz around Kevin's Facebook profile and found a brand new photo taken at a Halloween party during the "family emergency." He sent this email to Kevin after the event, with the photo attached.
It's just too special for words! I love the way the boss finished off the email with the words in brackets (cool wand). Whaah! Just look closely at our boy's face above. Look at his eye makeup and the way he is holding that wand.
Special stuff.
And yes, he was fired. The little fairy was fired.
I didn't read the email at first as it was a group email, but knowing it was from Six Figures, I flagged it.
I'm glad I did.
I went back to the email a little later when I found a moment between bouts of love-making with Scandinavian tourist girls.
This is what Six Figures sent in from London:
This is Jerry Collins
His name will come up later in this article
Interesting Saturday morning from hell….picture the scene…
630pm Friday: start drinking snake bites at the slug and lettuce in your suit and a white shirt. Get out at 1am and have a chilli chicken schwarma. Take your tie off from around your head, leave your jacket on a lamp post. Tackle some traffic cones on the way to Crocs. Stay at Crocs until the lights come on and you find out you’ve been pulling into an Aussie nurse in the mens toilets for the last 2 hours. The bouncer pushes you down the stairs when you leave. You don’t respond, he’s lucky you’re in such a good mood. The Aussie’s friends tell you to “fuck off”. OK, so no cab to your place then.
Get home at 345am via a night bus and a mini cab. Make some pot noodles and fall asleep on the floor next to the couch with bbc1 documentary about sex changes blaring on the TV.
Get a call at 7am from an old mate in Devon asking if you want to come along to watch him play rugby at 10am. Dawsons Creek starts at 1030 on TV but you’re drunk and beer at the rugby club is £1.50 a pint so you get a train to the club house. After the first half pint and 20 mins before kick off they realise that the 2nd team openside flanker hasn’t arrived. Someone remembers that he went home with an Essex girl after a team curry and hasn’t answered his phone since Wednesday night.
Your mate asks sheepishly if you wouldn’t mind being a replacement to cover the opensider? But its ok, the 3rd team fullback hates Barnstaple 2nds and wants to play, so he slots into the team ahead of you. You’re just on the Newton Abbott bench. And you’ll still get to watch under a blanket with your third Guiness. You agree and they find a pair of European size 7s womens touch rugby boots in the clubhouse cash register. You finish your pint and strap up, order another pint and go out to the halfway line in a jean pant, pink addidas “blades” and a white button up shirt.
The 3rd team fullback who was moved up to the side of the scrum slams his hand in his car door while trying to turn up “the eye of the tiger” during the team talk in the car park. He’s out.
The prop’s girlfriend who is sharing her blanket with you on the halfway line gets a call on her mobile and you head back to the car park to see what’s going on.
You’re in. Newton Abbott 2nds. Newton Abbott Bulls.
You put down the last mouthful of your Guinness and take a drag on the number 2 jumper’s cigarette. You put on the wingers jersey and shorts. You’re wearing “Snoopy Christmas” silk boxers from the night before and you can see them sticking out below the tight white shorts. Short black work socks and girls’ blades. Finish your pint. Stretch your hammies. No gum guard...it’ll be fine.
Jog out onto the paddock. Feel the mud and instantly think you should have invited the Aussie nurse to come and watch. You feel good and Barnstaple 2nds are about to wish they had never turned up. You wink at the props girlfriend. She’s going to get to witness what no one has talked about since that inter-house semi-final at under16s. You were a light, fleetfooted flyhalf who couldn’t kick but how hard could openside for the 2nds be?
How hard could this be? ……
It’s the seconds right? Barnstaple 2nds? Please!
How hard could this be? ……
Six Figures continued with an extract from a Planet Rugby article bearing the headline, "COLLINS MAKES A SHOCK APPEARANCE."
The extract from the article began:
Jerry Collins shocked Barnstable second XV's opponents by turning up to play for the English pub side in their latest match.
He highlighted and enlarged the text of the following bit:
Thus it was that when Barnstaple's second team trotted onto the pitch against Newton Abbott in England last weekend, the player in the number six shirt was somewhat bulkier and more bleachy of hair than usual.
Collins regularly plays club rugby for Norths in Wellington when he can, and had no hesitation when invited by a friend to play in Devon, weighing in with a try and several trademark tackles in Barnstaple's win.
What a beautiful story! Scroll up again and take another look at the pic of Jerry Collins. Then, if you haven't already, go have a look at Six Figures. He's definitely not "chunky" - I'll say that much..
And lastly, a quick video clip of Jerry Collins saying howzit to Delport a few years back. Just to get an idea of what we're dealing with here. Watch the whole thing - it's worth it.
It's radical! I'm basically rolling with my shit off safety at the moment.
Enjoy this puppy I've got in my holster:
The HTC TYTN II Pronounced "Titan"
Like in "the clash of the titans"?
That's the one.
This is serious stuff, folks. The HTC TYTN II is the most hard-core phone I've ever experienced. Quietly enjoy the way the screen tilts after you slide out the keyboard. Come now, man - that's out of control. It's basically a laptop. It's even got built in satellite navigation. The speed dial can either be a list of names (standard stuff), or just photos of each person. So you press your buddy's face, and it dials his/her/its number. Yes, that is correct. I won't even begin to get into obvious stuff like live internet streaming, Windows Office Mobile and synchronising with Outlook - it's just too much to get into. All I can say is IF YOU NEED all that stuff - this is the phone to get. "But I PREFER the Blackberry(or the HTC Touch, or the Nokia Communicator [BWAAH!] )because it blah blah blah........"
Good.
Ok.
Well done.
Enjoy it...... Freak show.
Personally, I'm just trying to get a beer here... I pulled out my phone to send a text message to a friend who I am looking for - it certainly wasn't to engage in a cellphone comparison chat with you. Are you completely unable to read body language? Can you not see the blood pouring out my eyes and ears?! I've JUST ARRIVED and I don't even have a DRINK in my hand!
Christy Turlington - taking it back to the old school [permalink]
Christy was great! She really was. Always chilled. Always deep. Never shy to get her kit off. Unlike Claudia - God! What was her PROBLEM?! I mean ALL OF THEM got their tabs out - Christy, Cinds, Helena.... EVERYONE - except Ms. Schiffer. Why did it have to be the supermodel that I chose? All of my mates were whacking off to their supermodels whilst I had to do as best I could with another innocent flowing white fabric soft lens photoshoot with Claudia. It took YEARS before we saw her tabs. She had to be snapped about 1,000km offshore on a yacht, using something out of Gallileo's observatory. SO very childish.
"My old camera "fell off a cliff" the other day. I can't remember exactly what happened - I think I blacked out at the same time. The camera is gone. It doesn't matter if it can be repaired or not - it is GONE."
The Insurance Broker enjoyed the story and confirmed my claim had been approved to a maximum of R3,400. What with the price of spools these days I decided to go with one of these new "digital" cameras (like that's gonna take off!). I was quite set on getting one from the Canon range.
I went into that electronics store at the Waterfront. I think it's called Audio Vision. The one where the staff possess the efficiency of an Italian at 15h00. Using the Melissa's Deli pricing technique, Canon cameras started at pretty close to R2.5million. Pushing it a bit. It normally wouldn't be THAT big a deal, but I wanted to get the most out of my claim.
A little birdie told me about something called My Kinda Prices. Look, it wasn't really a little bird, it was actually a falcon. But you can't exactly say that a bird of prey told you something. It's very rare for that to occur. Falcons generally don't have time for gossip, they're too busy out there, in the sky, swooping and dive-bombing small rodents and just looking awesome and stunning.
"Hello animal friend!"
"Hi there!"
"Say, what kind of an animal are you?"
"I'm a FALCON!"
"Christ! That is fucking HARD CORE!"
"I know......Thanks."
"Can I get your autograph?"
"Sure! There you go."
"Fuck that is awesome! Thanks, Falcon!"
"Anytime. Thanks for the support"
So anyway, this falcon tells me about www.mykindaprices.com and tells me it is one of those price comparison site. "They're all the same," I told him, remembering I had featured one on 2oceansvibe in the past. It was a good site and worked well - but there wasn't anything sexual about it. I listened to him a little longer and realised this one was VERY different to the others. I jumped onto my internet jet-ski and tootled down to www.mykindaprices.com
Wow! is all I can say. Not only does it compare prices in South Africa, enjoy this - it ALSO SHOWS PRICES OVERSEAS, like in the UK - featuring retailers who's websites allow for overseas shipping. Do you know how often things are cheaper overseas? Exactly. So I was pretty impressed with that. You even get things that aren't really available here. Like the new Apple iPhone (unlocked!).
But then I realised the thing that sets this site in another league. It's the RANGE of things it covers. Jeepers Hudders! It's not just about electronics and braai equipment - these guys even have perfumes, sunglasses, toys and... wait for it.... what you've been waiting a long time for - LIVE PRICE COMPARISONS FOR FLIGHTS AND CAR HIRE!Check this out:
How cool is that? Now you don't have to waste time going to each carrier's individual website! No surprise that Nationwide is the cheapest quote there. I mean, you can't exactly charge full price when your planes only have one engine.
I said it before and I'll say it again - never before was there more incentive to earn more money so as to acquire a Learjet. It used to be a luxury, now it's a matter of life and death.
Although nothing short of epic, I found Sunday's excitement on Camps Bay beach a tad tormenting. I don't know why, I just get like that sometimes. It's gotten worse since I started reading Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time."
I retreated to Beta Beach with The Sunday Times in hand.
I enjoyed the setting...
Beta Beach - Sunday
Touch yourself...
It was a good Sunday Times. Besides featuring enough Jake White SA Rugby skandaal to wank over for a solid week, two other little articles tweaked me.
The ongoing follow-up to the bids for Sunday times/Johncom and now, Mail&Guardian ("M&G," if you're cool) produced no surprises for me. Except of course for the fact that that one of the owners of Koni Media Holdings, involved in the bid, is none other than Groovin Nchabeleng! Yes, that is no word of a lie, my friend. His first name is GROOVIN! Can you fucking believe it?! It's too beautiful for words! Not "Grooving," with a G at the end. No, no.... it's GROOVIN. I love it. It's basically opened the doors for us to call our kids whatever the fuck we want. Woody Allen's kid, Satchel, doesn't sound too crazy anymore..
Secondly, was the story on the following page about a fucking loony, David Francis, who claims to be a prophet and has taken advantage of some laid back country folk in a little town called Hertzogville, about 140km from Bloem in The States (The Free State - where Nick Goldblatt is from). You'll have to read the article yourself, but basically this clown told the village that a guy that died, Oom Paul, would rise from the dead after three years. So, naturally, they've kept the body on ice the whole time. And whaddaya know...... Oom Paul failed to rise from the dead. Fuck! What a let down! Anyway, the best part for me was, when originally asked WHY Oom Paul would take so long to rise from the dead, our boy told them, "God says he is not going to raise him immediately so that when he rises, people can't say that he wasn't really dead."
Did you get that? He successfully reasoned with the locals that God felt pressure from human beings (whom he created) when performing miracles and, like David Copperfield, he wanted all his bases covered for maximum impact and that all important "wow factor." The last thing God wants when bringing someone back to life is some human saying that the guy wasn't already dead before he performed his magic trick.
Enjoy it! He talks about all sorts of things, including the fact that quota player, Luke Watson, is the most overrated player of all time - citing his being forced to include Watson in the training camps as "disgusting."
I surveyed Camps Bay from The Safe House, caned a joint, hopped on Libby (my scooter) and took a cruise to The Strip to scope out the skirt. You'd be a fool not to on a day like today. I liked what I saw. I parked the beast and made a couple calls on the grass section between the road next to Caprice and the beach. It's a good spot to make calls. Try it. The next time you're nearby and you have some calls to make, park your car and make the calls on the grass. The sea air will do you good. I mean, Christ, look at yourself - you're a fucking WRECK!
Whilst brokering a deal between two global superpowers, I noticed a bit of movement a little further down The Strip - in the new section that we chatted about the other day.
"Well lookie here," I mumbled under my breath, intrigued, as the person on the other end of the line carried on about "diplomatic pouches" and the like.
Yes.....as I thought, the new Camps Bay Vida e Caffe had opened!
The red chairs - very naughty
"Whatever, Gordon, I've heard that bullshit before" I said, as I hung up the phone and directed my important-looking phone-pacing towards the red chairs.
Ja, look, there is no question - this is easily going to be the coolest Vida yet. I mean, the others are cool - but this one is going to be a joke. It's all so perfect - you've got Cappers on the one corner, and Vida on the other - and enough beautiful babies to fill them both! With every hour of the day suiting one of the two, and ablutions on hand when you need, you could probably LIVE there.
The boyz..
Fine..
Yes...yes. That's all fine.
I think you''ll find the house beer and wine working particularly well at this branch...
Life is stunning through rose-tinted glasses.. [permalink]
I won't beat around the duck's back. Here it is. 2oceansvibe is, this very week, launching a LIVE, weekly one-hour radio show - LIVE - on the internet. Don't panic, it's very easy - you're already on the internet! That's the hardest part. Unless you're in the past and reading about this in a future-based fantasy novel? Exactly. You'll be fine. This show will come to you via "LIVE STREAMING" on the "internet!" - You will simply lift your finger and click your mouse at 15h30 every Thursday on a link you will find on this very web page. You will then receive a free-of-charge eardrum massage for one hour.
Feel it inside you..
I know - did you also get that shiver down your back?!
So there, I've said it. 2oceansvibe is going where no sexual fantasies have gone before. Our research has shown that this will be a first for South Africa (the World Champions). Yes, that's right - the first LIVEregular online audio-streaming radio show. For an hour EVERY WEEK! It's mental! Shouldn't we be having tea with Nelson Mandela or something? HELLO!!!!!!!!
Fuck sakes, man!
Sorry. Ok, here are the details : What we're going to do is have one guest every week for one hour. We'll have a bit of structure, some good music, lubricated chat and a torso of liquor. We will lead up to "the show" earlier on in the week by presenting that week's guest, allowing you time to send in questions, topics or social experiments. And then....then... it'll like all come together and make you cry with laughter and grief at the same time! What more could you want?!
The show WAS going to be on Fridays at 15h30 to send us off into the weekend, but, let's be honest, I'm not REALLY going to commit to 15h30 EVERY Friday! How else would I be able to use up my 350-mochito's-a-month limit at Caprice? Exactly. And anyway, things are already swinging on Fridays so 15h30 on a Thursday is a great time to chat about people to do and things to see on the weekend! I mean, we all agreed AGES ago that Thursdays are actually Fridays in Cape Town. We made the rule a year ago already. Click here for The Cape Town Friday Rule from November 2006.
So THAT is why the show will be on Thursdays at 15h30. Fair enough.
Our first guest
Unless you're struggling to sleep and tuning in from Wyoming, our first guest, being one of The 2oceansvibe characters, shouldn't require an introduction.
The 2oceansvibe Show's first guest:
The Character Formerly Known As The Loose Forward
The Character Formerly Known As The Loose Forward (alias Bob Skinstad) has just returned from a 6-week business trip in France, during which time he and his colleagues managed to close a very important deal (details of which I am sure we will discuss). He has returned home to Cape Town and agreed that there could be no better way to get back into the Cape Town swing of things than joining us right here on Thursday at 15h30 for The 2oceansvibe Show.
So there you have it - it doesn't get more hysterical than that!
So you can go RIGHT ahead and send us emails with any clever, witty, sexual, creative and/or bright ideas andquestions for our guest and the show to editor@2oceansvibe.com.
(subject : "The 2oceansvibe Show").
Top ten questions will be broadcast LIVE on the show, through the internet, out your computer, via your ears, into your body.
See you there!
Apparently life is great looking through rose-tinted glasses.
Years of research has led Seth to a new favourite [permalink]
I'm not going to get heavily into it, guys. You know, I've tried them all. Some are good, some are crap. Some will do. Some won't at all . Some are cheap, some are pricey - some are dry, some are greasy. It's a mine field out there. Finding the right product for your hair can be a tricky process.
But don't panic, you're not alone. I've done the work for you.
This is what you're looking for:
The Holy Grail - for now
Yup. That's right! Redken seem to have pulled it out the bag this time. A bit of blue-sky thinking over at the R&D department has resulted in something the guys can be proud of - "Redken Maneuver - working wax." It's JUST what the boys have been looking for.
Look, it costs a fuck load. But you know what I say? It's "reassuringly expensive...." You'll be looking to drop between two and three hund for this little tub of pleasure. At roughly 10 blow jobs per tub, is that something you need to worry about?
No, it's not..
Christ, do the math - with Mavericks coming in at R600 for one private lap dance, you're laughing!
We're talking a VERY NICE matt finish here, boys - no grease - and a consistency that rinses out very easily with a splash of tepid water. By the same token, a quick rinse of the hands under the taps are all you need after perfecting your bouff. Whilst I am also a fan of the Hairgum range, I just find their Matt Wax too sticky on my hands and hard to rinse out of my do, and the Gummy Wax is just a bit too shiny for Daddy Cool.
Redken have done well and they should be rewarded.
Give it a bash, team, and let me know how it goes.
To be the best you can be, you REALLY have to be the best you can be - let me show you the way.
Similar to Obelix, Britney feel into a cauldron of batter as a child [permalink]
Jeez, we really are carrying on like a professional pork-sword, aren't we? And it's not just the boep and the one going in the mouth - it's the backup of a further two in her hand. And they're big fuckers too!
'Ell's teeth! A bird in the hand PLUS the other two in the bush - we'll take 'em all!
Black Stormers quota player, Lukho Watshembi (AKA Luke Watson) has been dropped as captain of the Aston Martin Stormers. White Afrikaans World Champion, Schalk Burger will be taking up the reigns from here on out. Thanks Luke, but you can sit down now, we have a genuine champion in charge now.
Stormers quota player, Lukho Watshembi
It probably gave you a bit of a shock back there, noting the name "Aston Martin" Stormers. I wasn't serious. They're not really sponsored by Aston Martin. I just thought it would be funny if they were. Imagine, the Rolex Stormers. Hah! Or the Louis Vuitton Stormers! Fuck that would be brilliant! They could go back to leather rugby balls with the Louis monogram all over it! My mother would probably catch it before it gets close to the poles.
Whoah! Totally lost it back there. Apologies.
So, ja, there you have it - "I pay, I order" is no longer the captain of the Stormers. I find that quite amazing - you know, for them to drop a black player as captain.
The most desired block in the Southern Hemisphere [permalink]
I took an early morning drive to 2oceansvibe HQ, via the Camps Bay Strip. There are all SORTS of things going on in the early hours. They were even trimming the beach with a special lawn-mower type device that keeps the sand from growing out of control. Nice.
Nationwide Airlines staple gun clearly not strong enough [permalink]
[Yes, as we said last time, and as someone neglected to read (shame), we are WELL AWARE that the new name is Cape Town International Airport - but I think you'll find that it's far more fun calling it by it's old name, DF Malan]
I don't know anymore, just a couple weeks ago I heard the horror story of Mango Wank Airlines taking 21 hours to get from Schweeburg to Cape Town. What's going on all of a sudden?
We need choppers and Learjets. Quite simple.
Choppers fall out the sky all the time, mind. Where's Colin McRae now?
I just don't know anymore. I mean, where is it all going? It's one thing discussing whether or not Paris Hilton MEANS to flash her vagina at the cameras when she gets out of cars (yes, we know the answer to that one), but SURELY people wouldn't WANT to be seen injecting heroin into their arms? I don't think that is too cool.
Very odd.
Check this video of Pete Doherty doing just that, earlier this week. I love the way The Sun justify showing the video on their website....
As Oregan Hoskins is ushered in as the new Tuesday Tabs Tit [permalink]
It's all TERRIBLY exciting! There is so much happening in this one article. Watch it develop in front of your very eyes!
I'll begin by taking this opportunity to give my bit on the current Jake White affair that is starting to bore me, as the drone that is local media continues to whip that horse. It's basic stuff - Jake's a beaut, the senior management is a dogshow - don't waste your time screaming about it - we're WORLD CHAMPIONS - who gives a fuck? Move on - there is NOTHING NEW here WHATSOEVER.
So all I want to say is THANK YOU, Jake. Thanks for the good times, pal. We're stoked to be champions. It's obvious you wouldn't take another job from those clowns anyway. But I'll tell you one thing, we'll hire you at the drop of a fucking hat, my boet - even if it's just to have you there, chilling next to us, holding the cup - whatever you want, it's yours.
And so, that little number flows very smoothly into this important announcement : Just like Francois Pienaar wore his crown as the Tuesday Tabs Tit until the day he was erased from all memory, so too will Oregan Hoskins hold this seat until his departure from office.
Congratulations, Oregan, you've earned it!
[polite clap]
It is at this moment that I find it pertinent to remind our readers of two STUNNING moments in our boy's last year. Sit back and enjoy.
Let's go back in time to May 16 (this year), when Oregan Hoskins was on my pal John Robbie's show on Radio 702 - a rare moment in SA radio where we found Oregan Hoskins getting buggered from behind on live air. It was at this moment (listening to him carry on LIKE A CHILD!) that I truly grasped what we are dealing with when it comes to this man. It is OFF THE CHARTS! I mean, really! - TO EXPOSE one's inner insecure self, to such an extent, ON RADIO, is QUITE mind shattering. How VERY emboerrissing indeed.
Click here for a walk down memory lane.
The second one was only a few days later, a proud moment in our boy's career - when he was awarded The Sunday Times Mampara of the Week award! Awesome, Hoskers! There's one for the pool room!
Click here for that little titbit.
And then, lastly, a big welcome to our first Tuesday Tabs babe to wear Oregan Hoskins as a stikini - Ana Claudia Michels. Hello, my baby! This chick is RAD. She used to be on my desktop at one stage. I just enjoy her vibe. You'll be surprised how much you can tell about someone from a modeling shot. She seems like the kind of chick who is quite happy to chill at the Safe House on the sofa and read a mag or two.... whilst Daddy Cool finishes off something very important on the computer, before we go down for a quick walk on the beach - followed by a pop into Caprice to try the new 2oceansvibe cocktail on their new menu.
[sigh]
Ok, that'll do.
Here she is, my darlings - Ana Claudia Michels - great vibe.
It was nice of Mavis to tear herself away from the sofa and TV today, to be on hand for my move back to the Safe House (following The Interior Decorator's successful transformation of my haven of peace and tranquility).
The new bath - stunning.
Just stunning!
During this time of transformation, The Interior Decorator briefly went abroad on holiday with her love interest, The Bond Guy. Upon their return she noted that her Domestic Executive (D.E.), Portia (like the car, but spelt different), had prepared a welcome home "honeymoon suite" type arrangement in the master bedroom. Portia's motivation for this act is not the point here, and we certainly don't need to discuss what possible outlandish presumptions on her part may have led to this presentation, following their romantic getaway. That is not what this article about. No, no - this article is for Mavis, and Mavis only.
There were also white slippers, placed on small towels
(with petals on them)
next to each side of the bed
Whilst Her Royal Highness feels that colour-coding the golf shirts and arranging the Vanity Fairs in chronological order (shame), should suffice for a day's work and allow for some all-important WWE Smackdown wrestling on e-TV; perhaps NOW she will get a grasp of what's actually going on out there - in the REAL world.
Look what Portia did, Mavis! Does that compare to my car being washed? No! Does it compare to you remembering to fan out the Hello! magazines with a one inch space between each one? No, Mavis, it doesn't! Why don't I get Honeymoon suite treatment? Just because I don't have a bird, doesn't mean I can't be pampered. Have you ever even thought to run a bath for me before my return after a long day feeding orphans? Two words - NE VER.
It's BASIC STUFF, Mavis! Christ!
Bloody good work though, Portia, you are a shining beacon to D.E.'s everywhere! Granted, it did help that the carpet was ALREADY pink, but the rose petals, nighting gowns (I've always said "nighting" instead of "night" - don't ask me why), latest Vanity Fair mag and champiz in the cooler (oh so 2oceansvibe!) shows some very clear and present out-the-box thinking. Very impressive! I'd say you must be coming dangerously close to handling incoming phone calls. If that's not upliftment, I don't know what is! My fingers are crossed.
Hold on to her, guys.
Mavis, I'll get Portia's email and you guys can have a little CHAT...
I'm going to have to end this article now, it seems I have to go and run a bath because someone else had to go home because they "have a family to feed".
As SAA investigate new ploughing techniques [permalink]
It's not often I would follow up on something like this, but I quite like these new pics I received that show Friday's plane-plough's front wheel submerged in sand at DF Malan airport. Hectique!
Baking
Nice
Ok
Just dig that out quick. Shot.
Erroll - quite chuffed he had help
I hope to pop up something else by the end of the day, but this day has already pretty much fallen apart - what with everyone INSISTING on trying to organise MEETINGS about things that could VERY EASILY be discussed over email, let alone sms.
I just received a call and accompanying MMS pics from The Loose Forward. He informed me that he has JUST crash landed at Cape Town International Airport after attending a bar mitzvah of sorts in Schweeburg. His words were, "Oh my God! I have JUST survived a plane crash! I'M A SURVIVOR! LIKE BEYONCE!" (I'm aware that it is no longer called DF MALAN airport but, as you will note, there was not enough room in the headline space for "Cape Town International." And anyway, pretending to be ignorant is always good humour.)
Everyone on SAA 333 landing from Johannesburg Jan Smuts airport (the joke that just keeps giving) is fine. Apparently the undercarriage had a nervous breakdown and the plane went out of control ended up on the grass after the runway.
It's a classic "internet" excerpt that we haven't featured on this particular peace of online real estate.
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
Superb! Although sad.
And on that note I give you the best version of The Hokey Pokey.
The AC/DC version...
AWESOME!
I really pity those of you who "can't get youtube videos" on your machines. Tsk tsk... get with it, guys, it's 2007! Imagine in 2015 when you tell your mates that your car can't get to the moon! God, how emboerrissing!
thanks ant
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
I have let you down today in a way. But you must please excuse me - things are a little mental at the moment. The folks are in town, en route from the Provence residence to Australia. So you can imagine - mother dearest is popping champagne bottles at a rate of about one an hour, as we discuss important issues such as whether or not the new Louis wheelie bags will be cheaper in South Africa. Needless to say my voice has nearly vanished completely. We drink more tonight...
So I thought I would give you this at the very least. God forbid I ignored you for a full day!
I do enjoy Adam Sandler, particular when he goes completely overboard and makes full-on music videos featuring poefters trimming their pubes. The video is amazing, the song is out of control and the guy that plays the main character has almost definitely spent time in Cape Town.
Probably in Green Point.
Probably with cute little Afrikaans boys.
Watch this in the bathroom, you might wet yourself.
You should have seen the photos by now and would have enjoyed the scene which occurred at Newlands stadium the day before yesterday. To recap, a fan who had probably imbibed a few quaffers found it necessary to run, dive and attempt to manhandle South Africa's Rugby World Cup trophy, whilst it was being held by St. Bryan.
Enjoy this little fuckshow.
Contrary to popular assumption, the gentleman was, apparently, not an English supporter.
Bikini shopping spree at laLESSO goes to Laura B [permalink]
Thanks to all the girls that sent in pics in response to the laLESSO summer clothes saleshopping spree offer we gave yesterday - 'el but we were knocked out by the entries! But, sadly, there can only be one winner..... And that winner is none other than Laura B.
You might onthou a feature I did on Cape Town's Wine Exhibition called.... yup, you guessed it - WINEX! The article had what could be described as a negative tone, but very necessary I thought at the time. The article was later published in Playground Magazine which produced responses largely in agreement. That was before they did the Winex Johannesburg Show..... I seem to have been vindicated.
Winex, South Africa's worst event
..ever
I was copied in on the following email sent to the organisers.
Check this out - they fucked it again.
Dear Whomever
This is a note to register my contempt for your show, and express my disgust for your obvious contempt of wine culture. Winex is an absolute disgrace and embarrassment. It appears to have been arranged by the atypical alpha-wolf marketing manager's secretary, in a B-grade brand owning organisation. You have absolutely no concept nor sensitivity to ambience and experiential production, and really just seem to be geared at taking peoples' R90. The SA public just continues to swallow sub-standard shite like you dish out, but not me, missy. Fortunately, my highly-paid (yet moderately taxing) financial services job gives me access to many of the obvious marks that you target, and I am warring a comprehensive boycotting campaign until you actually step up and honour the industry and the lemming public that you clearly hold in such contempt.
Apologies to those of you who have been experiencing a delayed response to emails you may have sent me. I have a new laptop and the transfer from the old one is taking time. It also doesn't help that I am using my tongue to type instead of my fingers - such is my desire to lick this laptop ALL THE TIME. Have a little look on the "internet" for the Sony Vaio VGN-TZ17GN... Mmmm, you know you want it...
Right, ok, here we are... Tuesday el Tabbo's! Today I chose the wonderful Sophie Anderton who shot to fame as one of the earlier Wonderbra models. I was a lot younger at the time and I remember being really knocked out by her. I haven't thought about her for some time, although I'm sure she thinks of me CONSTANTLY.
So I revisited her today, and this is what I found....
She has a LOVELY set - I really enjoy this spec
Obviously post argument - awesome
You'll notice we are still looking for someone to replace Francois Pienaar as the tit that hides the tits. Throwing some ideas around.....
The response to LALESSO's cheeky little shorts featured in an earlier article, was nothing short of RADICAL! It is for this reason AND the fact that I just love LALESSO's shorts and bikini's and vibe, that I think it important to tell you about their sale they are currently having.
YES! YES!
MORE! MORE!
Yip, those are the shorts we chatted about last time. Aren't they just the shit? Please GO TO THE SALE URGENTLY and get those shorts, my little angels. Please, for Daddy!
Oh but wait, there is MORE! I also found out that PRICES START AT R10 AND WITH EVERY PURCHASE YOU GET A FREE BIKINI! (while stocks last)
That's right! You heard me - FREE fucking bikinis!
God, I love bikinis! In fact, I think I love laLesso. I want laLesso inside me.
Have a look at this.
For those of you who know your stuff, they're even selling Topshop stock and the new 2008 range. If you're a guy and you're clever, you'll be there too. It's too easy - snap up some Christmas prezzies and summer clothing for your angel and you mom at wholesale prices! You'll be a hero!
God, what a wonderful concept! What a wonderful day!
Here are the details:
The sale is on FRIDAY
From 12h00 to 18h00
112 Buitengracht St
411 The Studios (opp. Heritage sq. Just before FTV Cafe)
Go there now, angels, PLEASE!
This is SUCH good news. I'm so excited!
IN FACT, because I don't currently have a girlfriend, I will PERSONALLY spend R500 on one of you. Do you like the sound of that? Me too. This is how it will work. If you think you're cute, send me a pic of YOU (don't cheat, it won't work out) in something summery and my favourite entry will be escorted on a R500 shopping visit to LALESSO! AWESOME! Let's get our bikinis on, girls!
Bus making it's way through town - right this very second! [permalink]
John Smit's phone doesn't have MMS so he was unable to send us a pic at this exact point in time, as the Springbok bus is currently making its way around Cape Town. I asked if he thought it was going well and he replied, "so far I would say it's going well." Clearly tongue-in-cheek, as we note it is nothing short of a fuckshow! Luckily The D.J., who is also on the bus, has a phone which can MMS:
Mayhem. Pure mayhem.
It's a DOG SHOW!!!! But definitely looks like fun. I went into town to get a PC-CARD/USB adapter (which is no longer being produced, I was told by the uber-geek) and there were ALREADY people lining the streets - at 10am! Jeepers Hudders!
We were impressed with that pic, but needed to get closer. So we got this right now from The Loose Forward, taking a photo of our boy who doesn't have MMS on his phone, The Barn Dog - John Smit.
John Smit - making his cola-wars choice QUITE clear
We're hoping to get a short vid together from on top of the bus, but can't guarantee anything at this point. I've think we've done well so far.
What a wonderful place we live in.
I'll end off with a classic quote from somewhere in The Free States - "BOK BEFOK" - stunning!
Speaking of which, a big congrats to the Cheetahs on winning the Currie Cup and, in particular to Nick Goldblatt, who hails from "The States."
Chat later.
Whoah! Look at this!
UPDATE
Oh my God - The Loose Forward has gone above and beyond the call of duty and has managed to capture a MESSAGE FOR THE 2OCEANSVIBE READERS from Butch James, Schalk Burger and John Smit, whilst on the bus.
It's all a bit much! Look, the quality is not very sexual, but YOU try receive a video message on your ticky box and have it in Youtube in under 10 minutes..
Lucky lady gets a double whammy in one day! [permalink]
A bird in the hand was clearly better than killing two in the bush with one stone for this young lady! My inbox has been involved in a bit of self-mutilation of late and, as a result, thisTBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting was nearly gone forever! It is quite staggering that a sighting of this magnitude could hide away for so long after its inception - at this year's Rocking The Daisies festival. Have a read over this and see how lightning truly CAN strike twice...
Hey Seth
So there I was at Rocking the Daisies in mid fight with the barman who had totally ripped me off by pouring me a quarter cup (yes cup) of wine. As I moved over to the next barman, who very kindly filled it up for me (check pic) I also noticed he had the most amazing mullet. Did anyone else notice the apparent mullet craze there? WTF?
Anyway, I turned around and all of a sudden this flash of white hair caught the corner of my eye. I had to do a double take and it was like everything around me went black and this heavenly light fell down on him. I knew at once that I had found him….. THE TBG.
It was like everything went in slow motion after that as I started running, pushing, leopard crawling, ANYTHING to get to him! Just imagine that Olympic music in the background as I made my way to him. I couldn’t contain my excitement and me being drunk did not help my loudness as I screamed “Oh my god, it’s him…. its the TBG!”
I think I must have embarrassed him a bit as he looked a tad bit uncomfortable as I was frog-hopping people and screaming at him to try and get to him. But he kept his composure and was probably gritting his teeth while he smiled and posed with me but nonetheless, he was every bit the gentleman.
And as if it was a sign, my friend just happened to be walking past us at the time with his camera and took a picture for me. What timing!
But there’s more! As if my day couldn’t get any better, I even saw him again in the evening, that’s twice in one day, people! Its like some kind of a miracle…. and once again, yes, you guessed it, I pointed and screamed “TBG!!!”
Man, he must have a lot of patience to put up with the loud, drunken Nikki.
What a legend.
Nikki T xxx
Staggering! Absolutely STAGGERING! And what a way to start this new week - with more reassurance that the great emblem still walks among us. Just checking on things - maintaining happiness, as well as the obligatory healing of children and mending of hearts...
Don't ever leave us, TBG, life is naught without you..
