As most of you know, today is National Cleavage Day! Awesome!
We thought it would be a good idea to have a little competition.
An example of good cleavage
Today's competition works like this:
You have until the end of the day to send in a photograph of some fantastic cleavage. In the photograph should also be a hand written note next to the cleavage (not in the way of the cleavage, obviously).
The note should read:
2oceansvibe National Cleavage Day
HATING THAT !
The winner will be the best looking cleavage and will be announced on Monday and will win two bottles of SKYY Vodka.
As we celebrated in a booked-out Caprice on Saturday night [permalink]
Today is the actual birthday, but it was Saturday that saw 250 incredible people get together at Caprice to celebrate my 2007 bar mitzvah. It was an orgasmic night and thanks to everyone that attended. There were so many angels that night, I thought I was at Mavericks - only this time everyone could speak English.
Birthday cakes - outrageous!
This absolutely OUTRAGEOUS chocolate cake was crafted by none other than my friends, the geniuses at Charly's Bakery. Their website, www.charlysbakery.co.za is under construction at the moment but should be up and running soon! Thank you so much for spoiling me with such a triumph! Jacqui, Alex, Dani and co at Charly's Bakery do NOT fuck around and find it quite logical that they handle cakes for everyone from Oprah to Tutu. Bless you girls! Call them on 021 461-5181 or email charlysbakery@gmail.com. If you go anywhere else, you're an arsehole. Mention 2oceansvibe for special attention.
Back to the party! I have managed to put together all of the photographs taken by Rowen at Makhulu Productions (www.makhulu.co.za) and they are QUITE amusing. Thanks Rowen! God, I must remember to pay you today.
An incredibly odd individual for us to marvel at and poke [permalink]
The Sunday Times was an absolute TREAT today! I would say that one of the big highlights for me would have to be the article on page 11 about the gloriously jaded Kobus Faasen. It seems that Kobus (please, call me "Kobi") has decided that he has been selected by a higher power with the express directive of eradicating the word "boesman" (bushman) from local print media. In fact, it seems quite evident that Kobi would be prepared to fight this to the death in an attempt to eradicate it from all living memory.
I think the big thing here is we are being reminded that these kind of people actually exist. God has given us Kobi to make us feel better about ourselves - to reassure us that no matter how bad, dull or mundane things become, our levels of boredom will surely never reach the tremendous depths that our boy seems to have achieved.
In short, Kobi took Die Burger to the Equality Court this week because of their use of the word "boesman" (bushman). Kobi's SOLE argument lies, incredibly, in the translated simplification of the word "boschmanneken" which was originally used by Jan van Riebeeck (Cape Town founder and nightclub owner) to describe a baboon and the possibility that it could be the word from which "bushman" was derived.
Kobus Faasen checks his photgraph
next to the word "bored" in the dictionary
"The possibility cannot be ruled out that the name ‘bosch(jes)man’ in this meaning of ‘ape-man’ was carried over to the despised group/tribe, whom they in fact regarded as creatures of a much lower level, hardly indistinguishable from apes,” said Faasen in court papers.
I don't know, Kobi - I remember learning about the bushman at school and they originally lived very much amongst trees and bush which, for me, is more than enough justification for the name.
While the court case is taking place, the debate on what to collectively call one of the oldest peoples in the world continues. Andries Steenkamp, chairman of the South African San Council, said he didn’t mind being called a bushman. “It was the name given to us. My grandmother and grandfather always said they are bushmen. Some of us prefer San, others bushman — it doesn’t matter,” he said.
Precisely.
And I suppose if I were to call you a cunt you would say it was racist and derived from the words "coloured" and "hotnot"?
I don't know what is more absurd, Kobus Faasen making an issue out of this, or the Sunday Times (and us) actually taking note of him.
You should remember the article I wrote about this "Highest Unique Bid" concept that has arrived in South Africa. It's bloody brilliant! Whether you have read it or not, waddle on down to www.nearlyfree.co.za and get yourself an iPod Nano for R100. I am not spicing you!
I will explain how it works. For the Nano, There is a maximum bid of R100 and an admin fee of R35. The 'required bids' is 110. These figures will change with every item on the website.
What this means is that no more than 110 bids can be made. Each bid will cost R35 to make and no bid can be higher than R100. The winner of the iPod Nano will be the highest unique bid. Understanding the concept becomes quite simple if you understand exactly what the word 'unique' means. It is the 'only one' or the highest 'stand alone' bid. That means if you bid R100 (full Rands only, no cents) and someone else also bids R100, then neither of you win - because the bid is not unique. R100 is therefore NOT the highest UNIQUE bid. So if you also make a bid of R99 and you are the only person to choose R99, then you will have the highest UNIQUE bid. Congratulations, the iPod Nano is yours for R99!
R100 iPod Nano!
So there you have it!! The website www.nearlyfree.co.za launched a couple months ago and has already featured auctions including a Blackberry (R150) and a Samsung double door fridge (R700).
I went on last night and made five bids for the Nano. This particular bid (for the iPod Nano) ends on March 27 - SO GET IN THERE!! I won't tell you all my numbers, but one of them was R87.
We got hold of the owners of the website and apparently the future will bring items to the site including plasmas, scooters and, in time, cars and houses. It's too brilliant for words.
As a new disciple learns of his powers [permalink]
This is an interesting one. I must say it does bring a smile to my face when I receive not only a TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting, but a sighting from someone who had not previously heard of the TBG. I mean IMAGINE trying to deal with his intense presence and aura - whilst not knowing who he is! You poor baby! That would be a little bit too much excitement than I could handle. Enjoy this, from Susan M.
Lucky little girl!
And look at that! The TBG has a small plaster on his head.
I think the TBG has been in the wars!
Hi Seth!
To be honest, and I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I didn't really know much out the TBG before my birthday on the 15th of Feb.
Well that all changed pretty quickly, we were all at Baraza having a few cocktails and enjoying the vibe.
All of a sudden something changed, there was this kind of electricity in the air, the atmosphere evolved and took on this whole new buzz. It was incredible.
Having not known a whole lot about The TBG and his aura before, it was clear to see that he was special. There was something that set him apart from the rest.
People around me were talking about him and i was curious to find out more. I had another sip of my cocktail and when i looked up, he was beside me, almost as if he'd sensed something, some need I had inside, and he'd appeared.
He was so fun, so cool, so embracing. We chatted, had a photo and then he was gone. So mysterious! I almost wondered if it was all real, until my friend emailed me the picture.
It was the best birthday ever in the history of birthdays.
I won't get too into it because I gotta put this up before you lot leave work today. (And whoever is trying to call me with that private number, please fuck right off).
All I'm saying is e-TV 22h35 tonight. If you've seen Chopper before, you know you will watch it again. If you haven't seen it then (a) you're a tit and (b) you simply have to watch it. There would have been and always will be references to Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read on this website so brush up on your shit. It features Eric Bana (Troy, Hulk, Munich, Black Hawk Down. I said DOWN! STAY! Sorry) and is utterly brilliant.
He's too much
Chopper is probably Australia's most famous criminal and is now a celebrity. Hysterical, violent and jaw-dropping - you gotta watch it.
Please think of me when Neville Bartos laughs, pulls down the neck of his top to show his gold chains and says, "How am I?! How am I?! I'm FUCKING FLYING!!"
What I'm doing here, is I am deceiving you. I have neglected you due to my own selfish reasons. I am putting this article up on March 22, but I am pretending it is/was being put up on Tuesday, 20 March - so as to make it SEEM like Tuesday Tabs was put up on the right day!
Crafty, I know.
But I really do feel bad for lying and that is why I have cut four deep parallel lines down my thigh with a razor blade. To punish myself. I then cut one line ACROSS those four lines, to make the healing process even longer.
I have also been hurling for most of this morning, disgusted in myself.
Lastly, to make up for all of this, I give you the biggest possible Tuesday Tabs. Katie Price - AKA JORDAN!
The Neighbour Goods Market at the Old Biscuit Mill in Woodstock [permalink]
I must just warn you that I am writing this after annihilating two joints and half a bottle of Whiskey. (For those who wish to increase their knowledge : whisky from Scotland has no 'e', but whiskey from Ireland has an 'e'. Jamesons, therefore, is spelt WHISKEY). Ja, you know - you learn something new every day. Or so they say. I've been drinking in the safe house on my own all day and I can confidently confirm that I have learnt fuckall today. I am watching the Sharks game and, once again, I feel more of a connection to the Sharks as I do with the Stormers.
Back to the lecture at hand....
The P.A. and her BMX gang have been going to "the market" virtually every Saturday morning this year. They gave it rave reviews and I was keen to check it out. The only problem was that I was always too broken on Saturday mornings to attend. They usually went at about 11h00. Too hectic.
I would have to make a plan.
There's your Loerie, right there
I came one step closer to the market experience when I attended The Dirty Skirts' (South Africa's only act that TRULY rock. Seriously) new album launch held in the same venue as the market a couple weeks ago. The layout appealed to me and I looked forward to my first daytime visit.
[This is where you would normally turn the page of a magazine or book. But that's in real life - it doesn't apply here, inside this so called "internet" scheme]
After promising myself that I would have a quiet Friday, The Marketer and I agreed to make an appearance at the market the following Saturday. I did, and we did. I felt safe going to the market with someone who makes a living doing "marketing". I woke up as fresh as a daisy, raped a joint and picked him up.
We went to the market.
[insert music - something playful]
BEHOLD! THE MARKET! Well! NO ONE told me that you can RENT wine glasses and spend two hours cavorting in (and?) amongst a fuckfest of organic food and snacks - including cheeses, sauces, peanut butters, clothing, fresh bread, quiches (a rich unsweetened custard pie, often containing ingredients such as vegetables, cheese or seafood), samoosas, sushi and enough wine merchants to keep those glasses topped up at all times. It is surprising that a man of The Marketer's girth gets fucked so quickly. (It's quite evident that he has a drinking problem. But let's all pretend that everything is fine).
I was already flying when I arrived so we made a good team.
We paused to chat next to a stall selling honey and peanut butter, which included an actual pyramid of peanut butter jars. I had just finished off yet another hilarious Luke Watson joke as I was approached by a Cape Spanish couple who were very focused on the peanut butter (they had probably also had the peanut butter craving we have all had since DSTV starting flighting 'Meet Joe Black' again).
"How much are these jars of peanut butter," the lady asked me (thinking I was part of the peanut butter sales team.)
The prick side of my brain took control of me and I realised that I had been put into a position which was too much fun to ignore.
"Well," I explained to her, "it's quite funny that you ask that! We have actually, just this second, started our promotion for today. All peanut butter is free for the next hour. One jar per person!"
"Are you seeeerious?" she pleaded.
"Big time, madam! I know! It's crazy! That jar is yours! Enjoy it!"
"That is very generous of you," she declared.
"Well, madam, this is our way of giving back to the consumer! It's the least we can do."
"Thank you so much," she squeeled as she walked away with the jar.
No one noticed a thing.
I don't know if it gets any more fun than making someone steal something without them realising what they've done. I'll be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now, there is no way that the incident fucked with her karma, because she was unaware that she was stealing. I, however, might be in a bit of a predicament. That is why I went back the following weekend to buy a ton of peanut butter, in an attempt to equalise my evil deed. Alas, the stall was not present that weekend. But I will be back..
A quiche in need
is a quiche indeed
Our glasses were close on empty as fate issued us with a new stall selling some sort of port. I was genuinely intrigued and instructed my body to walk nearer to the table, without bumping into people. I focused my attention on the bottles standing on the table. "Peter Bayly - Calitzdorp", was the name and region. "Cape Vintage Port," it went on to say on the impressive label. I looked up at the salesman. Well, suck me sideways, it was SA Survivor host, Mark Bayly. As a long-time 2oceansvibe friend and Caprice breakfast compatriot, Mark received a full strength high five. Then, following some investigation it seems that his dad, Peter Bayly, is producing his own limited supply of hand bottled port. We had a little taste tester and it was QUITE STUNNING! Mark very kindly gave me a bottle.
I have the bottle right here next to me and am compelled to open it and tell you about it.
[Seth glides to the kitchen and back]
I have just opened the bottle and poured myself an adorable little glass.
[sip]
Good Lord! That is QUITE pleasant!
Whilst this is a port, I must pause and tell you what The UK Showbiz Guy believes is the best way to pretend you know what you're doing when tasting red wine.
Here it is:
You should take a sip, swirl it in your mouth, swallow it and then close your eyes as you pretend to have some sort of a debate with yourself in your head - always playing with the after taste in your mouth. Your expression should be similar to that of someone trying to listen to something very faint. Then, with a little nod and a smirk to yourself, you slowly open your eyes, seemingly impressed, whilst simultaneously agreeing with yourself on something you were just discussing inside your head.
[The key thing here is to give the impression that you are enjoying a healthy debate with yourself, inside your head. You have no choice but to discuss it with yourself as the surrounding company are SURELY not capable of such deep thought]
Then, with a light laugh, you should mutter (somewhat embarrassed about the long silence and compelled to give an explanation for your private taste-testing amusement), "Yes......very interesting." (Throw in another short chuckle to yourself.) You pause....thinking of the easiest way to explain your thoughts in simple words that your present company would understand.
Then you say....very slowly...still chuckling to yourself :
"Very clever [pause] It's PRETENDING to be a '96 Bordeaux,
[pause and chuckle to yourself]
but it's too vibrant to get away with it!"
How fucking funny is that!? It's PRETENDING to be a '96 Bordeaux, but it's TOO VIBRANT TO GET AWAY WITH IT! Like the wine was trying to trick you! It's genius.
Anyway, back to the port....
I'm no wine pro but I can tell you that the Peter Bayly port is QUITE special. It is perfectly sweet and is not shy to come across as a little flirtatious - showing a (very welcomed) little bit more leg than necessary. You need to get some of this juice. I don't know where else to get it, but I'm sure you will find it at the market on a Saturday morning. Have a gander.
I interacted with other stall owners and told the samoosa guy (white) that he was wasting his mother-fucking-time selling his samoosas for R4 a pop. Pump those little fuckers up to R5 each and enjoy the fruits of your success, my boy. We bought 4 samoosas and swaggered outside.
Moments later, outside the main market area, the samoosa guy ran up to The Marketer and me (no, it is not "The Marketer and "I"" in this case.), asking if we would like to try out the produce he was holding - some sort of pretzel thing made of sesame seeds or something. We took a bite. It was horrific. I told him it was awesome. He left. We threw it away. Let's focus on the samoosas, my boet - that's your cash cow right there... samoosas. Let's pump the fuckers out there. Forget about the sesame seeds - no one gives a fuck. Don't be a hero. Stick to your game. Find your niche. It's so obvious. You're the white samoosa guy - it's brilliant! The ball is in your hands, run with it, my angel.
We walked out of the actual market, but remained in the "complex". The Marketer directed my body to a plethora of retail stores selling everything from art to white belts with diamante studded gun-shaped buckles. Naturally I had to have one. It is SO awesome. I wear it at home. I'm wearing it now, over my Woolies short sleeve Pajamas. It's like Hugh Hefner meets 50 cent, meets Clint Eastwood.
The pajamas make me look quite young. I can pretend to be a naughty little boy and you could pretend to be an angry nanny. You would spank me for swearing...and I would enjoy it. You would warn me (unaware that I was enjoying it) that you would spank me again if I swore.
[Hi Mum. Listen, obviously the joints mentioned in this story weren't real - I just say stuff like that so the readers will think I am cool. I know that is pathetic, Mum, but, as an only child, the 2oceansvibe readers are everything to me. I must keep them happy. We must seem to follow the mantra, "Work is a sideline, Live the holiday" at all times. Love you, Seth]
Following our previous article on the SA Blog Awards Sham that was exposed by The Sunday Times, 2oceansvibe are officially pulling out of this year's Blog Awards. Deeply saddened, the following was given in an official statement to the organisers this morning:
Dear 2007 Blog Awards organisers,
Please accept this message as an official announcement that 2oceansvibe is pulling out of the 2007 SA Blog Awards. 2oceansvibe is currently featured in a number of finals and would like to be removed completely from the runnings.
The reasons behind our withdrawal are well documented on www.2oceansvibe.com and generally have to do with a gross lack of confidence in the awards, its organisers and processes.
2oceansvibe are saddened by the situation and hope that a more fair and logical system (and organising team) will be introduced by the 2008 awards.
Awards in tatters as Sunday Times raises questions [permalink]
I was going to write about this a week ago but I knew it would be misinterpreted as sour grapes, so I left it. But after today's Sunday Times article about the 2007 SA Blog Awards, it would be silly not to.
In brief, the Sunday Times revealed that half the judges of the Blog Awards also happen to be finalists in at least one category. It quoted Woza Friday Blog as saying, "It strikes me as inappropriate that most panelists are also nominated for awards". Eric Edelstein wrote, "Can't the blog awards find some impartial judges? It seems like an old boys' blog club at the moment".
They discussed the situation with Jon Cherry, awards coordinator and creator of the ever-exciting and riveting Cherryflava blog site, who confirmed that he:
"had contacted people who were passionate about
blogging to ask them if they would participate"
Three words: HI LA RIOUS!
Is that what you did? And why would you not contact me, Jon? Isn't it weird that you didn't contact 2oceansvibe about this - the most featured South African Blog site in the awards since the beginning? Personally, I would have just been happy to be contacted about COMPETING in the awards in the first place. I'm not asking for special treatment, but as the winner of the Best Overall Blog since inception , you would think I would have been appropriately warned? Rather than my stumbling upon the awards at the last hour, allowing me one day to notify my readers of the nomination process.
What's that smell?
Are you not remotely embarrassed about that, Jon?
I wrote to Jon Cherry a week ago, noting that although I wasn't losing sleep over it, and from a purely marketing perspective, I felt that excluding 2oceansvibe from this year's Best Overall category would look particularly odd and would almost certainly effect the awards' credibility. The ever confident (smug?) Cherry told me that he did consider it but they went ahead anyway.
Jon Cherry went on in the Sunday Times to say that the voting system had been improved on last year's system where only the public voted and "pure popularity" was the determining factor. Well we wouldn't want that now, would we, Jon? A blog site actually winning because it was the most popular!
Equally bizarre, this year's nomination process finds the presence of a 'comments section' under each post as something very important for blogs to be nominated. It's a terrible coincidence that 2oceansvibe doesn't have and never has had comments.
Yes, it's all rather sinister. Why are you and your goblins so determined to not let 2oceansvibe win? Our popularity wasn't created out of thin air - the website has been going solidly since 2002 and this is the result. Shame on you - angry little people.
The word 'cronyism' is explained on Wired Gecko, as Paul discusses The Controversial 2007 Blog Awards. It's a good article, check it out. The definition, by the way, is "partiality to long-standing friends, especially by appointing them to public office without regard for their qualifications".
You guys went too far and would always shout "sour grapes" if anything was said. But now look, you're in the Sunday Times being punished for rigging the judging panel. Very emboerrissing, guys.
It really is a pity, these awards were a ball hair away from being established.
And please, if 2oceansvibe wins any trophies on the awards night (if you're HONESTLY gong to go ahead with it), you can keep them - they clearly mean more to you.
It's a conspiracy. It's like the real nerds won't accept you, because you're cool. It reminds me of when the geeks at school refused to let me play Dungeons and Dragons with them. Allegedly because I would 'muck about.' I actually REALLY wanted to play and would have taken it seriously. The geeks knew this, but they also knew that their ability to exclude me was the only slender piece of power any of those trolls would have over me in ten long years at boarding school.
So I hid the Player's handbook and threw away the 20 sided dice.
C*nts.
Not that I'm bitter about it.
18 March , 2007
YOUR GUT FEEL TELLS YOU HE'S A PRICK
But I think we're jumping to conclusions [permalink]
If you look closely, this guy is actually genuinely cool.
I'm reluctant to admit it, but I'm going to give him the thumbs up.
As he molests Daan van Bunge with his cricket bat [permalink]
If you heaven't heard of or seen footage of Herschelle Gibbs hitting six sixes off one over on Friday against the Netherlands, then, well, I'd be pretty fucking surprised. For me, it was an instant alarm telling me that the 2007 Cricket World Cup had begun.
It's not every day that you see a bowler bum-funneling 36 runs in one over, so I thought I would show you the video.
Watch Herschelle give Daan a facial
I'm glad we got Gibbs for our generation. We would have had Chad Fichardt as well but that God-given natural talent was placed in the wrong person's hands. And now, we will never witness what would have been one of the game's greatest rivalries.
Gibbs / Fichardt
One of the game's greatest rivalries?
Aah it's nothing but good times! The Personal Jukebox gave me the heads and reminded me about the annual Heineken five-a-side soccer challenge. It's being held at La Med in Clifton on Sunday 18 March and, if you came last year, you might remember it being an action packed festivity of fun, sun, angels and flesh everywhere! This year will be no different.
It's going to be 34 degrees on Sunday with the tournament starting at 10am and the final at 6pm. Full bar, angels, maniacs, sweat, sun and booze - what more could you ask for? How about my buddy Dan Nicholl on the mic? Now that's entertainment!
I won't even get into the rumours about the TBG possibly attending...
Seth requests all of his loved ones to CLICK BELOW to be taken to the final voting for this year's South African Blog Awards. You will notice 2oceansvibe has been selected for Best SA Entertainment Blog, Best Post on a South African Blog, Most Humorous South African Blog and Best Writing on a South African Blog.
Stunning!
So there you have it. This is your time. This is when you decide how much you love 2oceansvibe. Is this really a two way street? Or are you just using me? Like a toy. Like some sort of a stuffed toy....that you play with and grind against...
Remember to follow instructions at the end of the page for your email address etc. Vote is only cast when you receive the email and click inside the email. Not too tricky, so don't freak out.
Some of you will be old enough to remember Keeley Hazel [permalink]
Shortly after we got colour TV in South Africa (when you were a child) they also invented the so called "internet". Shortly after that, came Keeley Hazel. Keeley first graced the pages of 2oceansvibe when she gave herself to the internet in the form of a sex video. Naturally, we felt, at the time, that you should decide for yourself whether or not it was a good or a bad career move for the young lass. Whatever you thought, she became the 2oceansvibe Tuesday Tabs model number 13.
And now she returns, proudly, as number 21. And this time it's sans sex video! That's right, it's back to basics for Keels. Strictly flesh stills.
Ultimate fighting returns live in Cape Town 31 March [permalink]
If you missed the fight last time then you need to wake up this time. This is the no rules fighting you have heard of. Brought to you by Cape Town's own Pride Fighting Academy.
You can read the last article I wrote, following my debut at one of these events. I couldn't believe my eyes - particularly when I saw Caprice's own Mikey completely CLEANING a guy with the first punch of the fight. You might want to have a little look at this clip.
and......sleep
I have been begging Mikey to organise another event and it looks like it's game on for 31 March. You'll be very silly not to book and attend. After my last article on the fight, everyone asked me to remind them when the next one will be. Well you can take this as a reminder, my love. 31 March, 16h00 for 16h30. Lido Building - Alley off Riebeek Str, between Moulin Rouge and Adult World (two birds, one stone). Tickets R75 Standard - R150 Reserved.
Make sure you book - don't be a hero.
Call Mike on 082 660 2129 to book. Tell him that you have just seen a video of him CLEANING someone.
"Highest Unique Bid" concept comes to South Africa [permalink]
I quite like clever little ideas like this. I remember these websites becoming popular when I did my time in the UK and I always wondered when they would arrive in South Africa. Well, it seems I will wonder no more! www.nearlyfree.co.za has been launched in South Africa and they currently have an Ipod Nano on offer for R100. But it's not THAT easy - listen up.
I will explain how it works. For the Nano, There is a maximum bid of R100 and an admin fee of R35. The 'required bids' is 110. These figures will change with every item on the website.
What this means is that no more than 110 bids can be made. Each bid will cost R35 to make and no bid can be higher than R100. The winner of the iPod Nano will be the highest unique bid. Understanding the concept becomes quite simple if you understand exactly what the word 'unique' means. It is the 'only one' or the highest 'stand alone' bid. That means if you bid R100 (full Rands only, no cents) and someone else also bids R100, then neither of you win - because the bid is not unique. R100 is therefore NOT the highest UNIQUE bid. So if you also make a bid of R99 and you are the only person to choose R99, then you will have the highest UNIQUE bid. Congratulations, the iPod Nano is yours for R99!
R100 iPod Nano!
So there you have it!! The website www.nearlyfree.co.za launched a couple months ago and has already featured auctions including a Blackberry (R150) and a Samsung double door fridge (R700).
I went on last night and made five bids for the Nano. This particular bid (for the iPod Nano) ends on March 27 - SO GET IN THERE!! I won't tell you all my numbers, but one of them was R87.
We got hold of the owners of the website and apparently the future will bring items to the site including plasmas, scooters and, in time, cars and houses. It's too brilliant for words.
It is always unfortunate when things like this happen. A 23 year old female teacher in South Carolina has been arrested after having sex with 5 different 14 and 15 year old boys from her school. Locations for these acts included the school grounds, at a motel, in a park and behind a restaurant.
Here's our girl:
Allenna Ward - enjoys it
What perturbed me, however, was how the article referred to the boys. If I may:
Clinton Public Safety Director John Thomas says some of the 14- and 15-year-old victims were students at Bell Street Middle School in Laurens School District 56, where Allenna Williams Ward taught. Others went to a different school.
VICTIMS!!
VICTIMS????
Are you fucking kidding me? 14 and 15 year old boys boning their teachers are not VICTIMS!! They are fucking LEGENDS! Those kids aren't scarred for life or anything, they're probably the coolest kids in school now. They should line the whole school up to give those boys high fives. God, it's ridiculous! The community is up in arms and they're calling it disgusting. Shame, poor chick. There she is, just enjoying it, granting a few wishes, and then she gets arrested.
I can categorically state that when I was 14, every single boy without fail at my school would GLADLY bone our one maths teacher (you know which one it was, boys - and it's not the one with the ankles). The graffiti in the boys' loo confirmed the same. Venues for my personal fantasies included behind the cricket scoreboard, as well as in the chapel loft. I like the idea of motels and restaurants and, should I ever go back in time, I'll give it a bloody good effort.
These boys aren't victims, they're heroes.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
I get scared when I write articles like these. When I am so fucking excited about something that I KNOW I simply have to tell you but am too scared to write - frightened at the prospect of surely not being able to describe the happiness and bubbling that I feel inside when I think about it. I'm talking about a TV series overseas called Entourage.
I remember as a kid being so excited about whatever devilish caper I was involved in the time, that I would get a bone. It was purely from the excitement (and to be clear, I have never, to this day, been turned on by pouring salt into a sugar bowl). I had probably never realised that being naughty could fill one's body with so many bubbles of excitement. The feeling was all so undiscovered. It's quite obvious what was happening. My brain was growing at the time, trying to accommodate this new unlearnt sensation that it was trying to pump back at me. It was all happening too fast and, at the risk of my head exploding, the blood was transferred into my penis, resulting in a (let's face it) magnificent erection. The human body is an amazing thing; as we grow older and are no longer excited about things that used to blow our minds, we slowly come to the realisation that sex is the only thing that we really get excited about anymore. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you (God willing) get a bone before sex.
Having explained that, I am now able to describe, in words, the happiness I felt when I watched Entourage...........Quite simply, I got a bone.
It's a big image I showed you there. Those of you who have had the privilege of watching Entourage would probably want it bigger than that.
I'll tell you right now that this article is not going to end anytime soon. So if you're quickly scanning over this, you're wasting your fucking time. Minimise the fucker and come back when you have a moment - because I want you to listen to this shit.
I was at some sort of a wedding or housewarming or childwarming or bar mitzvah or engagement the other day and I ran into Boozer. Boozer is always a great crowd so I gave him thirty minutes. We laughed, we cried - and then the defining moment came. He told me that he had something that I would like. A DVD set. A series. Like 24. Or Lost. Or Desperate Housewives. But better. The best, apparently. He said it was called Entourage and it was RIGHT up my street. I thought back to my 2006 Strengthening Ties Tour and remembered The English US PR Guy telling me that it was imperative that I get my hands on Entourage. (I can't believe I'm doing that whole italics thing every time I type the word Entourage - God, it's so emboerrissing.)
I asked if I could borrow it and he said it should be fine - because he got it from Forbsie who had bought it in the States . I would normally panic at this stage - when someone kind of promises you something - but it hinges on the permission of another. Not this time.
I have run into Forbsie from time to time over the years. We've never really had a good chat, but we're smart enough to give each other horns when we see each other. We're from different "groups" but Boozer vouches for both of us, so you've got a pretty decent litmus test right there. There was never a good bonding moment for Forbsie and I, so we didn't push it. There was no need - it was a bit of a given that our day would come. I would like to thank Entourage for giving myself and Forbsie a connection.
I warned Boozer that The P.A. was fucking lethal and, if I set her a task to get something for me, it would be got. Boozer assured me that he was done with EntourageSeries 1 and that I could have it. Piglet received the new assignment on Monday morning : "Get Boozer's number from the file (we keep a file on everyone - even you) and acquire the DVD set." Not since the 2005 retrieval of my Piz Buin (factor eight) from The Photographer had such a rigid task been set. Six in the morning sms's to Boozer seemed to be the only way to get the boy to remember to take the merchandise to work for the handover. (Our boy was at Incestec in town at the time and subsequently left - as they invariably do).
I took possession of the goods and went home, triumphant, to the Paris Hilton house. The Fabrics Guy was frothing at the mouth in anticipation as I frisbee 'd the DVD across the room directly into the DVD player (we like to keep the DVD player open for stunts like these).
Boozer was right - it was perfect.
The show is about Vince"Vinny" Chase (played by Devil Wears Prada's Adrian Grenier), an up-and-coming film star and his close friends that stick by his side during his rise to stardom. The show is produced by Mark Wahlberg and is apparently loosely based on his life. Anyway, Vince gives each of his buddies jobs to do so they can justify abusing (all very aware) the spoils of their friend's new found fame. They all get plenty action, with our boy, Vinny, completely cleaning up. He takes prime picking and leaves the boys to fight over the other stars and supermodels in the VIP areas. They all just COMPLETELY FUCK AROUND THE WHOLE TIME. It's HILARIOUS! Do we want ANYTHING more than this to watch?
His one buddy, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara), becomes the driver and fucks around all day in the Hummer or the Rolls. Eric "E" (Nicky Hilton's ex, Kevin Connolly) becomes his manager and becomes pretty good at it. Then there his older brother, Johnny "Drama" Chase who came pretty close to fame as an actor a few years back, but didn't get much further after his show "Viking's Quest" got cancelled. He keeps thinking he is a big deal but only gets freaks and weirdo's coming up to him to talk about Viking's Quest. But sometimes he gets a brain-dead bombshell and abuses the situation. But let me tell you the funniest thing about this guy........ HE IS MATT DILLON'S BROTHER IN REAL LIFE - Kevin Dillon. So he is basically playing a role that he IS in real life. It's too much to comprehend. He comes close to stealing the show.
The sideshow to the main crew, with his incredibly unstable marriage, is Vinny's agent, Ari (played by Jeremy Piven). I say "sideshow", but he pretty much steals the show. He is a fucking lunatic, throwing out one liner's like a whore. In the one episode he gives his special brand of motivation, with the instruction, "Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting". He is SUCH a prick. You will LOVE him.
"Vinny"
Turtle
"E"
"Drama"
"Ari"
The show has extended cameos by various well known stars. For example, in one episode, they go to a house party at Jessica Alba's house. She is there, acting as herself. In the one episode Vinny gets his buddy/manager, "E", to get him Scarlett Johansson's phone number. He gets it for him - Vinny and Scarlett hook up. Then they throw in CURVEBALLS who you LOVE, like Gary Busey and Bob Saget. Bob Saget, now a washed up TV star, just gets FUCKED the whole time. The show is SO addictive, I couldn't stop watching.
Back to present day.........The Outside Centre had a bar mitzvah of sorts at his shed in Kommetjie. Boozer was there. I chiseled out another half an hour for him. We got talking about Entourage, as the likes of Nick Goldblatt came closer, intrigued as to what all the excitement was about. Boozer informed me that he had just completed Series 2 (also from Forbsie). I confirmed that he could expect a call from The P.A. on Monday morning. Nick Goldblatt, dick in hand, insisted that he should take delivery of Series 1 from me at the same time.
The next week saw incredible coordination by all parties involved, as the double handover went ahead as perfectly and precisely as a small child through butter. The P.A. orchestrated the delivery of Series 1 from me to Nick Goldblatt, and Series 2 from Boozer to me. Nick Goldblatt even found himself using 'the zebra' to acquire a brand new multi-zone DVD player. He uses the old one as an ashtray now.
All of us have now completed Series 1 and 2 (as they get better and better) and I am waiting for delivery of Series 3 which I have pre ordered on Amazon. Forbsie, I'll call you when I'm done with it.
I don't know how long these things take to get to South Africa, but MNET better wake the fuck up, because people need this shit in their lives.
[But then.....]
STOP. DON'T PANIC!! I have just found Season 1 and 2 online for purchase in South Africa. Check this out. It's easier than you thought!
Don't worry about a thing - I have made it very easy for you. That is why I am here. For you. To make you happier.
I adore you, Goddamn it!
Follow these links below... It'll change your life.
2oceansvibe characters mentioned in this article, and in future, can be viewed in all their glory on the 2oceansvibe characters page. (Also available via the left menu)
I received an email from the US PR Guy which simply stated, "Front page of NY Times today - Story about Afrikaner pride and some song about a rebel general". He was referring to this very well written article.
Awesome! You gotta love it when our more emboerrissing stories make onto the front pages overseas. Just when you think we can get rid of it before the world finds out....BANG....everyone overseas is now talking about an Afrikaans uprising.
Whatever side you're on in the De la Rey debate (if there REALLY IS a debate to be had) I very much doubt that it had to get to this stage and I am certainly not going to dignify the subject with my own personal views which, quite honestly, I don't have the strength to form in the first place.
All I know is when I went to Parys to investigate the origins of Die Leeuloop, I sang De la Rey as loud as I could in every bar that they played it in (all bars). I didn't know what the fuck it meant but I thoroughly enjoyed the tune and enjoyed singing it.
Meaning and translation aside, did no-one watch Carte Blanche the other day where the writer of the song said he chose the general De la Rey because the name RHYMED well and was easy to sing? He went on to say that he could have chosen another name but "de Kok" isn't as easy to sing.
I'm not going to get into it but think we need to look at ourselves if something like this has made front page of the New York Times.
