But you hold on for one more day

And you break free from the chains

Yeah I know that there is pain

But you hold on for one more day

And you break free right from the chains

[everybody]

SOME DAY SOMEBODY'S GONNA MAKE YOU
WANNA TURN AROUND AND SAY GOODBYE !

[I said EVERYBODY!]

TIL THEN BABY ARE YOU GONNA LET THEM
HOLD YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU CRY !

don't you know

Don't you know (no) things can change (no)
Things'll go your way
If you hoooooold on for one more day, yeah

Can you hold on?

For my girls out there.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Gotta eat me the right way
[permalink]

I nearly pissed myself when this landed on my lap. I don't know HOW the guys that sent this actually managed to get them to me. I believe the gherkins went through six sets of hands to reach its final destination. Now THAT is perseverance! We expect nothing less from the 2oceansvibe community! So a big 'TA' to the kids at Motherland! It's not everyday you get a bottle of Carmel Gherkins appearing out of NOWHERE !

A whole lot of love

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Absolute bullshit
[permalink]

I don't know how many of you have seen it, but I'm sure those of you who have will agree with me - The Coca-Cola ad with the singing woman handing out Coca-Cola's from her handbag is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.

First of all, she is walking down a BUSY road and we can hear her singing ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY! Hardly any road noise whatsover! You can even see cars in the background - but you can't hear them!

Secondly, she hands out a whole stack of Cokes. Her Handbag must have weighed a ton. She shows no sign of carrying a heavy bag at the start of the ad. Nor does the weight affect her singing which is, oddly, absolutely perfect throughout the ad.

Lastly, I have chatted to my friends and acquaintances (all of whom have lived in different cities throughout the World) and NO-ONE has ever seen this happen before.

Nice one COCA-COLA, but we're not stupid. Your street scene is FAKE! Try your play-play ad campaign on somebody else's third World country.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Who don't understand
[permalink]

I have had the great misfortune of putting my car into the Autotrader and having it displayed at R100,000 below asking price. I was asking R160,000 for my Golf 4 GTi (exec.) (That's right, 'executive')) with 45,000km on the clock. The kind people at Autotrader opened my life up to an orgasm of phone calls from strike-it-lucky wheeler dealers since Thursday, before last (!) at 07.20am as I was exfoliating with my oversized sponge in the bath. It was at that point that I realised I was doomed for at least a full week (until the next Autotrader came out) of phone calls from people trying to land a deal that would make them the toast of THEIR town. Everyone will ask them if it's true. Like the father in the movie 'The Castle', they take pride in getting a deal, they don't give a fuck what they actually bought. This would surely place them in an untouchable category, deeming them 'The Best' at finding bargains.

Although I would usually say "The ad was a mistake, it's not R60,000, it's actually R160,000" as I answered the phone, before they could utter a word - I sometimes humoured myself with a different approach.

Sometimes the phone would ring and I would be in Evil Seth Mode (ESM).

"Hello"

"Hello, How are you?"

"I am fine."

"Ay man... I was just looking through the Autotrader and I checked your car"

"Ummm, yes. The Golf 4 GTi for R60,000?"

"Yes, like I was just wondering, is it still available?"

"No. I sold it an hour ago."

"You sold it an hour ago?"

"Yes. A guy phoned me"

"FOR SIXTY THOUSAND RAND?"

"No, I was really in a rush. The guy offered me R50,000"

"FIFTY THOUSAND RAND! Was there anything wrong with the car?" (Sometimes, at this stage, they would mention something about whether or not the car was a "code three").

"Nothing wrong at all"

"So why did you sell it so cheap?"

"I was just tired of the car and wanted to get rid of it".

"oh"

"Thanks for calling"

"oh"

"bye"

"umm"

"what?"

"No, I just wanted to say it's very cheap!"

"I know, you lost. You missed out by an hour. You were too late"

"Oh"

"BYE!"

"bye"

Is it bad that I would go through EXACTLY THE SAME phone call now and then, just to amuse my mates? I think it's fine. I had to spice up the phone call now and then, to keep me from slitting my throat with a mouse pad. I must have got two to three hundred phone calls. I called Autotrader to explain to them their folly, but I was too late - the second week advertisement had been placed - in the next edition of Autotrader.

That is when Angry Seth Mode (ASM) kicked in. I demanded three (I had paid for two) weeks ad space of the most expensive sized ad in return for the pain I had, and will still, endure. In the States they would have sued for at LEAST $2.38 million for that kind of psychological stress. They accepted the settlement.

So now that we've switched to ASM, it seems a lesson in phone etiquette is the order of the day. I have stumbled upon a very interesting phenomenon, and I don't know if it is the background of the people, the theme of the phonecall or the general simpleness of the people we share this wonderful place called Planet Earth with. But they do something quite remarkable when they call. You probably didn't notice it earlier but don't worry, I'll show you again.

The phone rings...

[tring tring] (I don't normally use 'tring tring', I normally use 'ring ring', but I find it funny when people use 'tring'. A phone doesn't have teeth, how could it POSSIBLY make a 't' sound???? WAKE UP PEOPLE!)

Me: "Hello"

Them: "Hello, How you?"

[at this EXACT point, it takes under 0.1 seconds for ASM to kick in. Listen to my response and realise my point]

"HOW AM I?"

"Yes, how are you?"

"I don't even know you! Without, at the very least, your name, how could you POSSIBLY interact with such familiarity?". (The call is usually silent by now as I have used, what in some cultures could be described as a 'big word', the word 'familiarity'. )

What I was trying to explain to these individuals (and what has now become a lifetime preaching topic for me) is that one should introduce oneself BEFORE one asks the listener how he/she is. You can't ask someone how they are if they don't have the faintest idea of who you are. The first thing everybody wants to know when they pick up the phone is who the fuck they are talking to. If that person wastes time by not introducing themselves, it only makes the listener more agitated. When you ask me how I am, what I REALLY want to say is, "Not well, 'cos I don't know who the FUCK I am talking to!".

The best guy was the guy that hung up on me after he lamented that he didn't appreciate me putting an ad in the Autotrader, only to give him a lesson in social etiquette. He got his friend to phone back from another number two minutes later to ask if the car was available.

And lastly, before I REALLY upset those 'readers' who only come here for the pictures, are the guys that waste time AFTER learning that the car is way over their budget. I don't know why they don't just hang up.

"No there was a mistake, the car is actually R160,000"

"I THOUGHT SO!!!"

"I know, they made a mistake"

"I THOUGHT SO! Because I saw the ad and thought 'now this must be a bloody good bargain'"

"Yes, that's right. It was shown at the wrong price."

"That's funny"

"I know, it's PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY!"

"Ok, but don't be rude now"

"FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF"

I won't be angry anymore. I have preached my anger to the World. No more can the simple people harm me. I have made a sacrifice, on the World Wild Web. I am safe from danger. I can sleep.

ps. the car is still available and only goes into Autotrader on Thursday (at the right price.)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Piss yourself in style
[permalink]

I was chizziling at Planet bar the other night and the Manager told me about the comedy evenings they're holding at the Mount Nelson during Winter. I told him I would come, but only if they had Mark Banks. True as God, they do! So that's me, booked, July 4, Cape Colony Restaurant! A classy three course meal and a large number of toots awaits me! I haven't watched Mark Banks ('Banksie' if you go way back like we do) for a number of years - I remember when he had to escape the country for a little bit because some extremists wanted him lynched for something he said - this guy is too funny for words! Can't wait to see the boy in the Nellie's stylish environment - he's bound to go hard.

Mark Banks - no relation to FNB

Being a classy individual, I'm a big supporter of the Mount Nelson. I got The Nellie to send me some info so you lot can sort yourselves out for a bit of posh humour this Winter.

This is the breakdown:

On select Mondays from June to September 2005, four of South Africa’s funniest men – namely Kurt Schoonraad, Mark Banks, Marc Lottering, and Alan Committie – will dazzle guests with evenings of intimate entertainment and stand up comedy at its best! In addition, Executive Chef Stephen Templeton is set to impress with a hearty 3-course winter menu and warming glass of Glüwein on arrival.

In July guests will be riveted with ‘An Evening With Mark Banks’. Banks is well known for his satirical fun poking and stand-up comedy routines in front of thousands of the country’s top decision makers. He is also known for moonlighting with guest spots on SAfm’s Big Big Brunch Show and BBC World Service Weather Report as well as occasional stints on Radio Algoa’s Memories are Made of This.

August sees one of South Africa’s favourite comedians inviting you to his hilarious show – ‘Dinner with Mister Lottering’. Described by some as ‘a breath of fresh air sent from the Cape flats with love’, over the past few years Marc Lottering has performed at a number of self scripted one-man shows, earning prestigious awards along the way. Lottering will now make a once off appearance at the Mount Nelson Hotel where he will share with the audience some of his favourite stories from earlier shows.

September sees physical comedian and madcap comic – Alan Committie – return to the Mount Nelson for an evening of laughter and entertainment. Drawing on sketches, monologues, characters and stand-up routines from his many one man shows (including Titanic on Ice, TV or not TV, and The Clown Jewels). Committie will explore how we as South Africans – cope with stress; introducing the popular but very obnoxious Johan van der Walt; and performing his special brand of physical high-jinx.

The Mount Nelson’s Cape Colony Comedy evenings will be paired with the culinary expertise of our Executive Chef Stephen Templeton and his team. The winter-inspired menu will consist of a warming vegetarian soup starter followed by a choice of hearty and wholesome Main Courses such as Chef Templeton’s famous deboned ox tail or the delicious Springbok Pinotage Pie. To end off, pastry chef extraordinaire, René Smit, will guarantee a dessert finale like no other to match the comedy and laughter that will be enjoyed after the meal.

Cape Colony Comedy evenings cost R225.00 per person – inclusive of a glass of Glüwein on arrival, a sumptuous 3-course menu and comedy show. Dinner will be served in The Cape Colony at 19h00, allowing ample time to enjoy your meal before the comedy show begins at 20h45. Dessert, tea, coffee or liqueur will be served at the end of the performance.

The dates of the performances are:
4 July 2005 – Mark Banks
8 August 2005 – Marc Lottering
12 September 2005 – Alan Committie

A portion of the ticket price will be donated to the Hotels Housing Trust of which the Mount Nelson is a member. The trust helps to uplift Cape Town’s homeless, via the South African Homeless People’s Federation, with the aim of helping squatters obtain better housing.

For bookings or further information contact restaurant reservations on 27 21 483 1948 or email restaurantreservations@mountnelson.co.za

For further information and high resolution visuals contact:
Antonia Labia, PR Manager,
Tel: + 27 21 483 1925; email: alabia@mountnelson.co.za
OR
Lise & Ian Manley of Manley Communications
Tel: + 27 21 448 8084; email: premierbrands@publicity.co.za

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

It all starts to make sense
[permalink]

Our story below entitles 'This Fellow' is about the chap at Bed King who said it is impossible to find a king size base for a bed.

Since then we have learnt some interesting facts. First of all, if you don't have a base/bed specially made for your king size mattress, then you can use two single bases together. Quite mean.

Secondly, there is a reason why they don't make king size mattresses - they don't fit through standard door frames. Ohhhhh, I seeeee!

That's right... coming to you live from 2oceansvibe.com - The bed/base professionals - The Ace of Base.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Road users should unite
[permalink]

Hi Everyone,

I don't normally send out emails such as this, but due to the importance I had too.

As I have Michelin's on my car, I want to send an email to Cape Town Traffic Department requesting them to put a chicane towards the end of de Waal Drive - on the last bend before the straight that leads you to the Arabella Sheraton and Waterfront, as it is a very fast bend and I'm unsure of my tyres.

Please, please show me your support my adding your names to the list I have put together. Please send your name to editor@2oceansvibe.com.

Concerned.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

thanks ron

It's funnier if you call him 'Tom'
[permalink]

It's too beautiful! Tom Henman (Tim Cruise) went to five sets yesterday and left Wimbledon before even reaching the third round.

Tom Henman - wearing some sort of a gum gaurd

I must remind you that before this happened, the British press and public continued their annual "Is this tiger Tim's year?" jinxing process. And now...he's gone. Sky TV news proclaimed that this was probably the last time he would follow his quest for Wimbledon glory. No shit.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Tim Henman - The People's Loser
[permalink]

[ THIS ARTICLE IS FROM LAST YEAR
AND WILL BE REPEATED EVERY YEAR
AROUND WIMBLEDON TIME, AS IT WILL ALWAYS APPLY.
ITS ABOUT TIM HENMAN
THE FOUR-TIMES WIMBLEDON SEMI-FINALIST ]

One of the joys of getting SKY News (besides from being able to view live footage of English Football Yobbos preparing for Euro 2004) is the exposure we get of 'COME ON TIM' fever! I used to think it was reserved for Wimbledon but it looks like we get it throughout the year! And what fun it is to watch!

It is virtually every sportsman's hidden superstition that his performance can be 'jinxed'. Particularly through something verbal. The dictionary definition explains the word as 'bad luck, or a person or thing that is believed to bring bad luck. My trusty Microsoft Word thesaurus gives 'curse' and 'gremlin' as alternatives. 'Gremlin' did not give Bishop Tutu's name.

Supporters of various sportspeople and sports teams would never dream of uttering words like "God, I hope De Wet Barry doesn't get injured". It just wouldn't make sense to risk such magical mystery.

Then you get the British Public who, fully aware of the potential power of 'jinxing', manage to give Tim Henman more exposure before an event than any other individual in the world. Not that other nations don't support their players - it's just the way the press over there handle it.

Living in London for just under three years allowed my digs mates and I to witness it first hand every year Wimbledon came around.

"COME ON TIM ! YOU CAN DO IT"

.......would not seem out of place in the slightest. They never go for 'Good luck, Tim' or 'Do your best'. It always seems to be in the form of a whine and the annual question..... 'Is this Tim's year?'

They were having discussions yesterday on Sky about exactly that -'Is this Timiny's year'! What they are referring to is obviously the winning of something big. I browsed over Timiny's website which produces some very dull stats. He won the Paris Masters last year, but really, it's not Wimbledon, its not the US Open, it's not the French Open, it's not the Ozzie Open, its not Stella Artois!

He has won three singles titles since October 2001 - The Adelaide International Series (Jan '02), The Washington International Series (Aug '03) and the Paris Masters (Nov '03).

I notice on Sky News that they are now whining before every event. This time the Stella Artois Championships. Yesterday they had Tim interviewed with the hopes of a nation clearly on his shoulders (once again). Needless to say he was knocked out of the second round! I nearly fell over this morning when I turned on the news. Please do yourself a favour and get the Daily Telegraph today. God, the pain of seeing another full front page pic of Tim dealing with the letting down of a nation.

I wouldn't be surprised if they hit him with 'WAIT FOR WIMBLEDON TIMINY - YOU CAN DO IT !!!' tomorrow.

Needless to say, I think the poms need to do everyone a favour and back off a bit. The guy must be wearing hair dye because you have to be completely grey to deal with the kind of expectations and let downs he does.

It would probably help if Timiny was less of a nerd, mind.

I don't know if I will be able to cope with him actually managing to win Wimbledon so I'll get it started.......

GO TIM !!

WIMBLEDONS YOURS FOR THE TAKING

YOU CAN DO IT

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Has a challenge
[permalink]

Now this gentleman has challenged a friend of mine. After my friend tried to outsource a king size base for his bed, he was told by this fellow that they don't make such a thing. My friend argued that this is surely impossible. This fellow said if my friend could find a king size base (in Cape Town, I presume) he would pay for it for my friend.

So there you have it, people. If you want a free king size bed base, find one, and this fellow will pay for it. It's like we're GIVING you money here!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

And see what it can do
[permalink]

We decided to move the webcam onto the window ledge, to allow the ENTIRE 2oceansvibe community to experience what a PEARLER we're having today on the Atlantic Seaboard - the pulse of Cape Town!

Waste no time - Click LIVE WEBCAM in the red section of the menu on the left of your screen and feel the vibe. Aaaah! God it's good!

UPDATE: It's down now - sorry if you missed it. What have we learnt from this? You should be on 2oceansibe all day long, just in case.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

At Paris Hilton's ex's house (obviously)
[permalink]

Leonardo can thank his lucky stars he had a bottle smashed over his head, and not sprayed in the face WITH WATER like Tom Cruise was!

An earlier pic of DiCaprio, at an age when Jackson
could have dry-humped his leg for hours

It's going a little bit mental in Hollywood these days. At a party at Rick Saloman's house (the guy from the home made porno with Paris hilton), a woman arrived, looking for her boyfriend, and proceeded to hit Leonardo DiCaprio over the head with a bottle.

Don't ask us! Ask CNN [CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE]

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Last week Wednesday night
[permalink]

Ivan A writes in:

"You never think it'll happen to you. But then it does!. TBG spotted at Vegas Room, 16 June, 2005".

TBG - Applauding

Bloody good work! And what a great pic!

To say we're over the moon is an understatement. It's very rare to catch the TBG in such a natural state. Minding his own business, clearly enjoying the show. I wonder what makes the TBG tick?

Well done, Ivan. 2oceanvibe commends you!

To Ivan !

To the TBG !

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

As prankster is surely angered at not using acid
[permalink]

I have mixed feelings over this video showing Tom Cruise being sprayed with water during his interviews in London. But I'm sorry, if you carry on the way he has over the last three weeks, you can only expect the English pranksters to come out.

Geez, sorry Tom.

Click HERE to go to BBC article and video
( when you get there, the video is on the top right)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Now, more than ever, she needs us to help her
[permalink]

Just click this link.... very gently... to read the news that has shaken the very foundation of 2oceansvibe - [CLICK HERE for BBC article]

Now, more than ever, Katie Holmes needs you. She is delusional and under Tom's brainwashing powers. WE MUST FREE KATIE.

Get your T-shirt and show your support.

Together, we can save her

For orders of this new exciting range of T-shirts, email editor@2oceansvibe.com with the Subject 'Free Katie'. Let us know how many you want, and what sizes.
Seth is wearing a 'Small' in the picture above.
So if you're lean and trim, and yet slightly ripped, you'll also be a small.
T-shirts available at R180 each.

Price is semi-high so as to adequately incentivise 2oceansvibe to actually go through with taking orders!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

This should perk you up
[permalink]

Something for you lot to do besides getting vrot in the pub. A bit of culture. A bit of Impi. A bit of Hammersmith Apollo. Traditional weapons only.

CLICK FOR FULL SIZE FLYER

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

What do you do when you want to do everything?
[permalink]

What do you do if you're informed of three events you truly want to experience, and they're all on the same night - the day before a public holiday? You'll just have to go to all of them, my love!

I wouldn't miss the Dirty Skirts launch at Vegas Room (98 Long Street) for the World. Things kick off at 8pm, with a live performance at 9.30pm. If you haven't seen the Skirts before, do yourself a favour and be there - if you have seen them, you'll obviously be there. Apparently the angel count is going to be higher than an Enrique concert.

The beauty of Vegas Room is it's on Long Street, which eventually turns into Kloof Street. Kloof Street is the venue of the latest Rock Star Fund party at Dharma's boy, Osaka (next to Saigon). So, depending on the state you're in, you could even walk from Vegas Room to Osaka. The last Rock Star party (held at Miam Miam) was off the charts - I expect nothing less this time.

Click for full-size invite

And then, to add insult to injury, Caprice are hosting a School Disco party. Don't fret, there will be time. Obviously these things go on all night - Thank God Thursday is a holiday (Youth Day. Isn't it always Youth Day?)!

Click for full-size invite

It looks very much like the angels on the Caprice invite are wearing rah-rah skirts. Do you think they'll be wearing them on the night? OF COURSE THEY'LL BE WEARING THEM ON THE NIGHT! It might be a little nippy in Winter, but Caprice doesn't have mushroom heaters for nothing. I chatted to the owners of Caprice and am told that 80% of the reason behind the mushroom heaters at Caprice was for this School Disco party. What a wonderful concept!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

From the grips of Tom Cruise's brainwashing
[permalink]

2oceansvibe.com has totally ripped off an overseas website and is now offering you, the adoring public, T-shirts which allow you to say your bit with regards to the plight of Katie Holmes.

Katie Holmes - Clearly in a trance

As Tom Cruise tightens his grip and power
over Katie Holmes,
we say NO! GIVE HER BACK!
FREE KATIE!

Seth, modelling the new range

For orders of this new exciting range of T-shirts, email editor@2oceansvibe.com with the Subject 'Free Katie'. Let us know how many you want, and what sizes. Seth is wearing a 'Small' in the picture above. T-shirts available at R180 each.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

Only the best PR spin can help this marketing blunder
[permalink]

After seeing a Sunday Times signboard saying something about the “All-nighter singles evening” at The Bay hotel, I darted for the nearest shop. The headline in the paper “Wanted: girl’s for all-nighter” was following up on a story I wrote about the 'Organised Gang Bang at the Bay Hotel'.

CLICK HERE FOR FULL SIZE ARTICLE

The Sunday Times article went on to say that I wrote my article on The Bay because (according to Village and Life Chairman, Maree Brink) I was jealous for not being invited.

[pause for effect]

Well, we certainly ARE amused! Don’t be angry because your marketing team COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ballsed up – which was the theme of my article. It’s called constructive criticism, my love. Jealousy is a few light years away. Read it again I find me the smallest trace that says that I would wish to spend an evening in a Camps Bay bordello amongst thirty desperate, aroused (a dangerous combination) 40-year-olds chasing after 30 very genuine women. It's also INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS to read that the Sunday Times have found out that the 60 single people have to fit into 30 rooms! If that's not an organised orgy, I don't know what is! Can you guys dig yourselves any deeper into this hole? What are you going to do next? The funniest thing you could do from here, is cancel the party!

Commenting on my quote “alcohol-induced sex orgy”, it was mentioned that Brink doesn’t even drink. It’s nice to know that you can partake in a sex orgy without being pissed, but I was talking about the general theme of the party/orgy.

I can just see the morning-after breakfast in Tides Restaurant. You’ll find mutterings of “Jesus, it really DID turn into bordello-style alcohol indused sex orgy”. If there ever was a time for newspaper reporters to fuel up the road crew and camp outside the entrance for shots of the red-faced participants departing in the morning – this is it. If only the cameras could capture the stench of sex in the air. Sunday Times, South Africa - if not The World, EXPECTS YOU to follow up.

Sunday Times, 3 July, at a news café near you.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

A 100% full-frontal party
[permalink]

I don’t mean to cuss, but I just came back from a fucking evening of note! Some good guys have opened a new club called Vegas Room. Oh, ok, I see what you’ve done. It’s like VEGAS. Ohhhh, VEEEGAS. Crazy mental! Is that what you want from us? Do you want us to go crazy? Aaaargh!! I’m crazy! Hold me down! I’m a fucking lunatic!

[insert 6 hours of sleep here]

So the owners of Vegas Room made us feel special by giving us a 6-seater booth for the launch party on Saturday night. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? I said they gave us a BOOTH. God that feels good! I’m so stoked my arse is happier in a booth than other people’s arses at normal tables. Thangyaverymuch.

So I never quite got the brief, but Vegas pumps very nicely for you. It’s at 98 Long Street (The same venue as the Dirty Skirts album launch coming up on Wednesday) and is probably the same size as Eclipse. The idea is for comedy acts and God knows what else to do their thing on the stage and then for everything to be cleared away to make way for a party. The shareholders include Sox from Caprice so you’ll struggle to get off the dance floor. Last night was no exception. Angels were seen pumping their hands towards the roof shouting (in unison) key-party-phrases like ‘Pump it up some more’. Is that not what it’s all about?

The evening was introduced and hosted by comedian Cokey Falkow, who is also involved in the club. Finding good comedy is a bit of a task these days. I don't have an expert's knowledge of Cape Town comedy, but I think it would be absolutely fine if you physically pissed yourself watching Cokey. The mess created from peeing yourself would probably be fine with your fellow patrons. They realize how hard it is to watch this guy and restrain yourself from having the best laugh of all – the one where you pee yourself. The guy has it spot-on. Jesus, Cokey! When you have a hamster in your head than runs on its wheel at 300 revolutions a second – you certainly don’t have to plan your stand up act. That’s why he doesn’t. And that’s probably why it’s so fucking funny! Cokey, you’re good.

The second guy, somebody Taylor from some TV show was pretty funny. He was followed by the fat white guy from Plumstead who brought a good chuckle - but the LAST act, Bevan Cullinan, can only be described as completely HYSTERICAL! At one stage he described someone’s hair as a ‘Recently Sodamised Badger’. I can’t hold in any amount of pee when stuff like that is being thrown around. At the end of the show he did a dance to Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ that was completely and utterly off the charts. It would do it great injustice to try and explain it. Either you’ve seen it or you haven’t. Personally, I’d pay money to a get a video clip which can play it on repeat on a plasma screen at home until I die. Thank God it was the last act because you couldn’t end on a better note.

Non-booth tables and chairs were removed to open up the dance floor and, after Rizla was finally outsourced (An ‘A+’ for service – a rarity in this town), some funk-ass tunes sailed through the air. Teasing us. Wooing us to the dance floor. ‘Come to me’, the dance floor said. After seven rounds of tequilas with our GORGEOUS angel waitress (They let them drink. We’re all adults here), we were more than ready to pull some intoxicating dance moves. Do those little angels on the dance floor want a piece of me? You’re fucking right they do. The girls knew the only option was to feed off me. They did, and let’s face it, it worked out for everyone. I’ll conceptualize our dance moves for this song. I want you to see what I’m doing, and feed off me. That’s it. Feed. And feed. Good.

Two paragraphs have now ended with the word ‘good’. Is that bad?

Mother of God, I just remembered that Caprice’s Dave was breakdancing - I shit you not. Read that sentence again. Visualize it. He’s pretty good as well. Interesting. So that’s Dave’s thing. He throws out some signature breakdancing moves. Everyone has to have their own secret signature. Daves is breakdancing. It’s different. It’s good. I like it.

“Isn’t that the guy we saw breakdancing the other night?”.

“Yes, I’ve heard about that breakdancing guy”.

Vegas Room is tailor made for top quality mayhem. There really is nothing better than pissing (there is now, officially, too much pee on this page) yourself with laughter for an hour and hitting the dance floor afterwards. It is a fact that laughter makes the angels feel sexy. So in this case they laugh their heads off, drink Red Bull, tequila, vodka, wine, digest God knows what else and THEN they hit the dance floor. What a pleasure! Say it like some of your friends’ fathers used to say it.

“What a PLEASURE”.

Or they’d throw in an ‘Aaaayyyyy’ beforehand.

Like, “So John, I believe you visited the new Shambokkie game Reserve. How was it?”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, WHAT A PLEASURE!”

Thanks guys. Give me more.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As Cape Town stands still
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As a prelude to Saturday night, Dharma’s little boy, Osaka on Kloof Street, was host to Lord Stanley and Lady Camilla birthday. Things turned immediately serious when the first batch of 40 tequilas was ordered. Large orders of tequilas usually stand on the bar for a while, before everyone realizes they have finished being poured. For me, the comment of the evening had to be the just-arrived-at-the-bar fellow (tipsy perhaps?), who exclaimed, “Is no-one drinking those?” – classic stuff.

It was one of those nights that brought back that special Taboo nightclub (the late-90’s Claremont haunt) feel. That randy student excitement we all struggle to find these days – but so desperately want to feel again. Jesus, Seth, take it easy.

So, hats off to Lord Stanley and his beautiful bride! Cape Town’s very own Posh and Becks.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Aaaah Hilts!
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Paris Hilton has further compounded the impossibility of my Mother welcoming her as a part of the family. During a shoot she calmly removed her top and showed her tabs to the camera. Yes, it's quite nice. Why don't you run along and download it below?

Click here to download
new Paris Hilton Flashing Video (1.58Mb)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Makes our Deborah Patta look like a gargoyle
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We clearly don't pay our TV journalists enough money. If we did, they would probably look like this. French LCI News anchorwoman, Melissa Theuriau, is too good for our TV networks. While our hot angels prefer a meager existence modelling, doing 'the odd shoot' and serving coffee as they wait for the next one to come along - in France it seems a little different.

Scroll this page down VERY slowly and have a GOOD look at this angel. Our country would probably be more news aware if we had one of these.

How are we supposed to take in the news when it is being delivered by Deborah Patta. On top of it, we KNOW Deborah is hiding a bit of a toilet under the table. Melissa, on the other hand, is clearly NOT.

For HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of pics of Mellisa, CLICK HERE

thanks mike

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As viewers switch from 'The SARFU Show'
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I'm about as close to being poitical thinker as I am being a grain fed chicken, but I can say this: When the government and business pull out all the stops like they have over the last few weeks, they're giving SARFU (let alone The Bold and the Beautiful) a serious run for their money in terms of the South African people's choice of soap opera entertainment time! I mean, we are truly blessed! 'Spoilt for choice' is an understatement!

Our two highest viewed local soaps are 'The Government' and 'The SARFU Show'. The longest running local TV soap opera, Egoli, is a close third (in terms of interest and viewership levels).

Zuma, possible lead role
in local drama, 'The Government' ?

The entertainment factor of watching Zuma gasping for breath as he drowns in 12 foot waves in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold onto but his fantasies, is of biblical proportions. We should surely be paying money for this kind of a show! What a beautiful plot! Zuma is a ball hair away from landing the job of a lifetime. The highest office in the land. Right there. God, it's close! And then, out of nowhere, his worst fears become true.

Shaik turned very swiftly to The Lord on his final days in court. It seems they wait until the very last second and only then are they are able to welcome the obvious into their little heads. The cornea burning white hot blinding light of hindsight. What a beautiful thing! But up until then they will very happily challenge ANYONE to investigate them. They'll even be cocky about it. They'll even wear sunglasses and smoke a cigar on live TV, defiant, in some sort of 'The Godfather' role playing scene in their heads. Reporters seeking interviews with Zuma are currently being threatened with arrest [article here IOL]. Careful, Zuma, that's what Mugabe does. Or are you trying to get the ratings through the roof? And enjoy this, HE'S JUST BEEN SWORN IN AS SOUTH AFRICA'S ACTING PRESIDENT!

Let us watch now as they REPEAT the same show for us, just with Zuma as the main character instead of Shaik. We're not even bored of the repeated plot. We're fine with it! The more repetitive it gets, the funnier it is. You see, it's not a drama soapie, like The Bold and the Beautiful, it's a comedy soap. Much like the other show you've been watching,The SARFU show. I'm glad SARFU ended their latest series with the cliffhanger - "How long can the two racists, Markgraaff and van Rooyen, pretend that everything is fine?".

'The SARFU Show'.
Working hand-in-hand with 'The Government'?

They're definately working together (The writers of 'The SARFU Show' and 'The Government') because how else can you so perfectly time the ending of The SARFU Show's last season at the start of a major twist in The Government? And now they REPEAT the same plot again, allowing The SARFU Show time to work on it's next twist! They've obviously got something hilarious they're planning on. Maybe Joel Stransky is, in fact, Jake White and van Rooyen's love child? Or maybe Springbok player Lawrence Sephaka is ACTUALLY WHITE but they wanted to fulfil quota figures, and fed 'pigment changing pills' to a farm boy from the Karoo. You'll be surprised what our young farm boys will do for a Springbok cap.

So keep watching, folks! I reckon The Government will have a sitting with Madiba and pay him R10 million to release a statement which reminds The World not to forget that he is still alive and everything will be ok. The price tag of statements like these is always high as they are able to brainwash the human race into forgetting everything that just happened. No one will remember ANYTHING about Zuma! Apparently the creators of the movie 'Men in Black' took Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones to Mandela for training on how to use the pen in the movie to erase people's memories.

They should turn Supersport Rugby into a 1995 World Cup Winners live wank-a-thon.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Let the children play
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Desperately seeking red wine, I traipsed into the Sea Point Super Spar (ramp model training ground masquerading as a 'shop') on Saturday night. I knew they couldn't fuck with me - they HAD to let me buy booze. The antiquated no-booze-on-Sundays law couldn't touch me. It's Saturday! We win, Mr LAW! As long as Spar was open, I had access to red wine.

Wrong wrong wrong. They further ridicule us and treat us like children.

I stood, mouth agape, at the entrance to the wine section of the Super Spar. There was a RED rope around the section. Ok, you're kidding. Past experiences with the Humans and culture sent a message to my brain saying that this must SURELY be a V.I.P. rope. All I would have to do is have a word with the manager and make him aware of how VERY important I am and I'd be 'A' for away! Look, perhaps we could organise a guest list for next time? I never knew wine sections of the Super Spar were so exclusive these days.

After trying to outsource a manager I was told by a lady at the check out till that we have a BRAND SPANKING NEW LAW saying that we, the little children, can't buy booze after 5 on a Saturday.

[silence]

"What are you talking about, Freak Show?"

"That ees the law", the Cape Spanish looking lady informed me.

I decided I would address the shop and, after clearing my throat, shouted as loud as I could, "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHEN WE ARE ALLOWED TO DRINK AGAIN?".

A 79 year old senile Jewish lady with blue hair, boob tube and Yorkshire Terrier, looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. She was in my way as I charged towards the exit of the shop, wanting to rid myself of the evil evil angry situation I was in.

"Move it or lose it, sister !" I informed her, as I charged ahead. She realised I clearly was the anti-Christ and removed herself, and her blind Yorkie, from my flightpath.

I remembered that being treated like an adult came at a price. I drove directly to GIOVANNI'S in Green Point. Always a pleasure - never a chore. There's nothing like shopping with the ipod wielding Giovanni's models - hair up, with a few strands falling in the face - special.

No-one batted an eye lid as I selected two bottles of red wine. I'm giving the 'Durbanville Hills 2002 merlot" a bash at the moment. I was raised in a home where my mother would serve the guests the expensive stuff and secretly fill herself up with Drostdy Hoff Extra Light five liter box wine. A few years on and it's more common than milk in my own fridge. Apparently the Drostdy Hoff red box wine is also a little devil! That said, I don't know the first thing about wine, but this Durbanville Hills stuff is some good shit! So excited at being treated like an adult, I lost control of myself and left Giovanni's R200 later with all sorts of stuff. I've got three packs of MELBA TOAST I don't know what the fuck to do with. I've got cooked chicken breasts, lasagna, matured cheddar cheese, green pepper Tobasco sauce, another bottle of plonk and God knows what else. It was fun and I left with a smile on my face - afar cry from possibly harming an elderly woman (with a Yorkie) in the Spar.

If you want red wine, and you need red wine, you MUST get red wine. Don't give up. Go out there and don't take no for an answer. Somewhere, somehow.... they're selling it.

UPDATE: (sent in by Dave)
For beer and crap but drinkable wine hit the Tong Lok at the bottom of Kloof Street. Not sure about the one on Somerset Street...but it wouldn't surprise. Open late!

For posh wine and sparkling - remember Giovanni's sister outlet Carlucci's (upper Orange Street and Bantry Bay) - open latish and covers you on both sides of the mountain. (notice how Dave refers to Signal Hill as 'The Mountain'. Others may have thought he was referring to the Southern Suburbs when mentioning the 'other side'!)

For a R3,80 quartz you have to hit the run down church behind Woodstock Main Road.... err, perhaps that spot should be left for the desperately foolish

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Together, we must embrace it
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Umm did anyone even have a look at that Tom Cruise video I mentioned towards the end of last month? I mean did you actually stop and HAVE A FUCKING LOOK? I love him to bits but....

Tom Cruise is off his fucking head

I will direct you again to his video [click here for article and video]. I run hungover/haven't-slept focus groups at home every Saturday morning. This weekend we dealt with the Tom Cruise footage. One of the group even commented that the video footage of him MUST be from a commercial. IT'S NOT!!! IT'S FUCKING REAL!!!! ITS FUCKING LIVE!!!!! TOM CRUISE HAS LOST HIS FUCKING MIND!!!!!

He has to start a cult now or something. He is tailor made for cult leadership. He shouldn't be involved in Scientology. He should make up his own new cult, Cruisology. I swear he'll get millions of followers. Then they can all go and fuck up the Scientology guys and rule the World! Look at his eyes. I would also love to see what David Ike's take is on Tom Cruise because if anyone is an evil monster, it's the Cruisemeister. He is delusional.

I fucking own you

Apparently Steven Spielberg has even pulled a few of the movie promotional spots because Cruise is clearly brainwashed or from another planet. Honestly he should start a new cult. He probably has already. He's probably brainwashed every one of us already without us knowing - Using subtle brainwashing techniques throughout his movies. All he needs to do is say the word and we will destroy each other. Or one day he will go onto World television and announce that we should 'PREPARE'. We'll automatically go to our bedrooms and put on the white Nikes we bought for no reason a few days earlier. With a knife to our throats, we'll wait until exactly midnight at which time we'll end our lives and wait for the Mothership to take us up to Planet Cruise where we can wear black long sleeve shirts and black trousers for ever and eternity.

I think I'd be pretty good at Scientology. It's a doddle.

I see we have a local youngster from Jo'burg by the name of Claire who ran away and married a cult leader in the States. This stuff is fucking hilarious! I love it! She's just a local version of Katie Holmes, who has gone under Cruise's spell and will NEVER be able to get out of the trance. Nicole Kidman is DEFINATELEY hiding something. She wants to tell us something; the REAL reason why her and Cruise got divorced. (I hope everyone enjoyed the use of the 'semi colon' back there). You became scared of Tom, didn't you, Nicole? She probably realised there was something amiss when she used to announce to him in the morning, "Your cornflakes are ready, oh Great One".

I can't cope. I watched Tom Cruise on Oprah and something else happened. He went into a trance and Oprah had to help him talk. Yes, 2oceansvibe OBVIOUSLY has the footage for you. But we're keeping it for a bit. It's so good we want to hold it for a while. Like a cat playing around with a dead mouse, we do too. I copied the video onto a little USB memory card and threw it on the ground. When I feel like playing I pounce on the memory card on the floor of my living room and throw it around, rolling on it from time to time - making purring sounds - lost in the pure joy of having it. Like a kid with a new toy, I snuggle up to the memory card in my bed. I will put it on 2oceansvibe soon. Just let me have it for a little bit first, ok?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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"Cape Town's very own" release their first album
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If you're not aware of The Dirty Skirts then you're (A) not a very loyal 2oceansvibe reader and (B) living in another hemisphere.

2oceansvibe has supported The Dirty Skirts since their inception, sometime last year. It's quite surprising to think that a group who have such a crazy stage act actually produce high end music. And when I say high end' I mean it! These guys are hot - right out of the top drawer!

Sumo, Jess & Kriss - in shocking pink

The band members, Jeremy (a.k.a. Jess), David (a.k.a. Sumo) and Ryan (a.k.a. Kriss) aren't shy to give it a bit of stick on stage - Jeremy not being shy to wrap his body in insulation tape. As they say in the classics, the proof is in the pudding..

The Skirts - The Dirty Skirts

We hope the Skirts don't mind, but I got hold of the CD and have ripped one of their songs off their debut album so as to allow our precious 2oceansvibe readers a taste! (Dirty Skirts - IOU $1 per download!).

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD
"FEELING THE PRESSURE"
By The Dirty Skirts (about 4.5Mb)

Launch Party is at Vegas Lounge, 98 Long Street
Wednesday, 15 June, 8pm
LIVE performance at 9:30pm

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Free flowing alcohol and orgies (and a room for the night!)
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I hope no-one missed the Village and Life advertisement in today's Cape Times (pg. 7). The poorly written (clearly alcohol fuelled) ad announced that the once classy and prestigious Camps Bay hotel, The Bay, is organising a singles swingers evening for it's Managing Director, Roelof Troskie (40).

30 single women are invited to apply to join in the festivities where another 30 single MEN (friends of Chairman, Maree Brink) will be joining. Yes, it's a sleep over!

In english: We're having a flat out alcohol induced sex orgy on 1 July - Anyone keen?

Aren't these swingers evenings meant to be discreet?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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But you were so confident the other day, my love?
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I'm almost certain that just the other day I watched Shaik on Carte Blanche laughing at allegations against him. The beauty of the image I have in my head is that he was OH SO VERY CHILLED on the sofa SUCKING on a cigar - challenging ANYONE to investigate him. I remember discussing the setting and cigar smoking with my colleagues at work the next day. We all agreed he was HELLUVA confident and rating himself particularly highly. Shabba, I'm sure you've heard the phrase:

KYK HOE LYK HY NOU
(To those of you who weren't fortunate enough to have been force fed the single state (yet highly descriptive and colourful) language of Afrikaans at school, this means 'Take a look at him now')

Shabba Ranks - Mr Loverman

Not so slick now, are we Shabba? I see yesterday shortly after you whispered to your brother "I'm fucked" you were running around on the court steps claiming that you "Walk in the light of my Lord". Which one is it, Schabir? Are you a cussing, corrupt criminal, or are you a disciple? Because you can't be both.

For me, the best part of the Cape Times article stated that on Tuesday "Shaik approached lead prosecutor Billy Downer, and gave him a hug". It's too beautiful! It highlights similarities between Shaik and his namesake, Shabba Ranks. In the late 90's Ranks released the multi-million selling 'Mr Loverman'. Ranks would have also hugged the prosecutor.

It's great to see how they lose their minds as the crystal-clear end nears.

Good bye, Schabir Shaik, we found you highly entertaining.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Filed under 'General Trends' - Feeling Hoff Hoff Hoff
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The Hoff addiction is reaching breaking point.

Oh God.

I got pretty excited when the latest swell of Hof obsession took off a few months back. It was, and still is, hilarious. I wrote an article at the time outlining what I felt the reason was for the uprising. It was something to do with David Hasselhof being a living 80's relic. The retro-ness of it. Retro is cool. But retro is only cool because it's quite funny. There are some beautiful pieces of furniture and fashion from the 80's which can't help themselves but to amuse. You always smile when you see a cool piece of retro. The more retro the piece, the funnier it can get. A living, eating, sleeping, talking, human-being-form retro piece has to be the funniest thing. As people out there blend the Hoff's image into adverts and movie posters (Ferris Bueller's day ‘Hoff’), a few shit ones are released, thus bringing the overall quality down. Hoff hilarities need to be good, very good.

And so we've reached the point where we're bored. Even if the good ones come along, we're getting bored. So, because a number of readers are writing in asking for more Hoff, I will give you a whole stack. And then we'll give it a little rest for now, I think.

And so say all of us.

So, here is a stack of Hoff for you. (2oceansvibe stash)

Now the following link is no longer working, but was a website with stacks of The Hoff. It might start working again. Who knows.

And here, is even more (external stash)

DON'T SEND ANY MORE - WE STILL LOVE THE HOFF
BUT WE ARE OVER IT.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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After buying erection drug in the toilets
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We thought we'd let you chew on this as we wait for the results of Shabba Ranks Shaik trial today.

Slater - sexual healing

"Slater, 35, was taken into custody in an Upper East Side neighborhood of Manhattan after police responded to a call from a woman who said she had been attacked while walking, said New York Police Sgt. Mary Doherty."

CLICK HERE FOR MORE FROM CNN

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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