Awards keep Seth going - 2oceansvibe needs YOU
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Well done on nominating 2oceansvibe in this year's blog awards.
But now it is time for the live voting.
As usual, Seth will retort with another rollercoaster year of articles in return for your precious votes.

The voting ends on Friday and Seth will be publishing articles again once we all feel we have had enough time to focus on this voting process.

So show your love and give Seth the energy to continue the production of his banal drivel. 2oceansvibe is in FIVE categories so go to the one-page voting station and click everywhere you see 2oceansvibe. Click 'SUBMIT VOTE' at the bottom of the page to complete your vote.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR 2OCEANSVIBE

This is not the same voting system as we had last week. That was the nomination process. This is the actual live voting. Crazy.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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By 'Snow' (with apologies to those of you who have never heard it)
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Finally, the lyrics to the song that robbed us of the year 1993. The first time you heard it you thought the guy was rapping about a farmer. But then you found out he was some sort of exotic white guy who raps (from Canada it turns out). He rapped incredibly fast and you never quite knew what the fuck he was saying. But you were drawn to him. Until the black guys started laughing at you and slipped you a copy of DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince's 'Summertime'.

Snow's 1993 album cover.
The album was called "12 inches of snow".
I'm not kidding.

In Snow's song, 'Informer', you might remember there was a girl who joined in the rap and sang at the end of it. Enjoy this, might ring a bell:

Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl
Police knock my door lick up my pal
Rough me up an' I can't do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station black up my hands
Trail me down 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman
What I'm gonna do I'm backed an' I'm trapped
Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap
They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer

INFOOOOOORMER !!!!!

No more will you live in such a void. Here are the full lyrics for the late teenagers of the early ninety who didn't have a clue.

Informer
By Snow

What's up man hey yo what's up
Yeah what's goin' on here
Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here
You know what I'm sayin'
Yo Snow they came around here lookin' for you the other day
Word word bust it

CHORUS:
Informer you no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky Boom Boom Down.

CHORUS.

Police them come an' now they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So then they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on me reach my destination
When the destination reached it was the east detention
Where them whipped down me pants looked up me bottom so

CHORUS.

Bigger they are they think they have more power
They're on the phone me say that on (every) hour
Me for want to use it once an' now me call me lover
Lover who I'll be callin is the one Tammy
An' me love her in me heart down to my belly
Yes me daddy me Snow me I feel cool an' deadly
As the one MC Shan an' the one daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em as a Tor-Na-Do

CHORUS.

Listen for me you better listen for me now (x2)
When me rockin' the microphone me rock it steady
Yes sir daddy me Snow me are the article don
But in the in an' the out of a dance them they say where you come from
People them say you come from Jamaica
But me born an' raised in the ghetto that's the one I want you to know
Pure black people mon that's all I mon know
Yeah me shoes are tear up an' me toes used to show
Where me born in on the one Toronto so

CHORUS.

Come with a nice young lady.
Intelligent yes she's gentle an' irie
Everywhere me go me never left her at all
Yes its daddy Snow me are the roam dance mon
Roam between a dancin' in a in a nation-a
You never know say daddy me Snow me are the Boom Shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in that one cardboard box
Yes say me Daddy me Snow me I'll go reachin' at the top so

CHORUS.

Why would he (x2)

Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl
Police knock my door lick up my pal
Rough me up an' I can't do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station black up my hands
Trail me down 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman
What I'm gonna do I'm backed an' I'm trapped
Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap
They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer

CHORUS.

Aaah. Take me back to when it was all so simple.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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What an awesome month the World is having..
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I thought I would just quickly fill you in on some ludicrous tit bits happening at the moment around us. Nothing too hectic.

- More people die as a result of the publication of a cartoon. People made a drawing and we're verging on war.

- A man goes to jail for three years for DENYING the holocaust. Someone said something and has lost three years of his life.

- Cape Town loses electricity for nearly a week. The seaside village is now beside itself.

- Dina Rodriguez leaves fingerprints on the waybill used to deliver the parcel, so as to gain access to a house, in order to murder a baby. Please could we refrain from referring to her as a 'mastermind'. Neither her mind, nor her brain were used for this appalling act and she certainly hasn't 'mastered' the use of either. The CSI team would openly laugh at her.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Just how 'super' are they?
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When confronted with a girl who ranks anywhere between an eight and a ten, ALWAYS assume you're talking to a four. This will eliminate all clumsy speech and nervousness from yours side. This method also stops the natural urge to look at her breasts. Our supermodel (it has now become one word) is overwhelmed by a sense of security and comfort and is almost ready to interact further with you.

You might remember the article I wrote where I mentioned a missed-call I received from the Czech supermodel, Petra Nemcova. Unaware of her status of beauty, I spoke to her as though she was a four, although she was (and still is) a ten.

If I may:

"Anyway, there is a particular sense of failure, yet delight, when one realises that one spent a large amount of time that day unwittingly on the phone to a super model. You're angry with yourself for not savouring every word she uttered with her beautiful mouth. But you're happy that (because you never knew who you were talking to) you stayed calm and came across ICE cool. Secretly, she wants you. "

You see, I've been through this before. But now I have some extra info I have recently acquired through various exercises I do with my brain. The latest idea has been submitted to me by the "Supermodel Acquisition Department" of my brain (S.A.D.).

You've read a thousand GQ's, FHM's, Esquire's and Arena's. They've all given ways to be cool and things to say. None of them have worked. But now, courtesy of my brain, I have found the answer. It can be used on eights and nines as well, not just super models. This is what you do.

You walk straight up to the supermodel and, whilst imagining she's a four, you say to her:

"Excuse me, I was just wondering, are you quite down to earth?".

Read that again. It's too brilliant for words! If she takes the typically Cape Town angle and looks at you like you have bird flu, then you WIN! She LOSES! She walks away and you've saved yourself from spending time with a vacuum. Even the semi-intelligent ones will HAVE to engage in a chat of sorts to avoid such obvious punishment. This is what we call 'a foot in the door'. The intelligent ones (God bless them) will probably be hypnotized by your brilliance and have already decided what they will be making you for breakfast.

Petra - down to earth

So, besides from walking away and punishing herself, she has an option of two answers.

"Yes, I am down to earth" tells us that we're dealing with a complete fucking idiot who is obsessed with counteracting her bitchiness by constantly reassuring herself (and everyone around her) that she is incredibly down to earth. She doesn't even realise what you have just done. But you get the airtime that you wouldn't have otherwise got from her. They'll chew your ear off if you get this right. You can't marry this one, but the volume of chat is high in these circumstances and you should use this time to be SEEN talking to her. Great PR. This gives other eights, nines and tens the opportunity to take note of you. They see you very relaxed (because you've pretended to be chatting to a four) and they see the supermodel talking relentlessly (trying to be down to earth). This appeals to them, as they realise they have no need to be threatened by you. They immediately remove you from the box used to store the guys that lose control of their bodies when speaking to them.

"No, I'm not down to earth" is probably the ultimate answer. This tells us she has a sense of humour and, if she hasn't walked away (in which case you win, by default), it means she is aware of her position in society and is quite amused by the whole thing. She's been looking for someone like you for five years.

Everything goes perfectly from there. In no time you will have the supermodel-at-home lifestyle. You arrive home and she is lying on the sofa in front of the fire with an oversized jersey hanging to just below her stunning hip-bone, a glass of red in her hand and a golden labrador puppy at her feet.

Welcome home. You've earned it.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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A new concept in music publishing
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A friend of mine, Verity, is a local musician with a great unique sound. Many of my friends have a unique sound. Some of them have a unique whinging sound. But that's not enough for me to say, "Hell, I like what you've done!".

Through her website www.iamverity.com, Verity has come up with a concept called "The Lucky Packet Project". It sounds like fun. Because of the large amount of money required to create a top quality CD, Verity is offering people the opporunity to buy a FUTURE CD. Apart from some of the money going to music development in South Africa, you are able to have a say in the CD creation. "Future Owners" will the ability on her website to vote on song choices for the album, as well as other aspects including CD sleeve design. Pretty fucking clever if you ask me!

A fan blows Verity. Sexy.

Check out Verity's website at www.iamverity.com and get involved.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Bullshit, you can be mine
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I've found myself popping into the cinema on my own lately. I never used to do it and have started getting into it. Most recently I watched 'Walk the Line' about Johnny Cash. You're bound to read something written by someone referring to the documentary as a 'doccy'. I give full consent for you to hunt them down and beat them into subservience and to command them to massage your feet until the end of time. You can do the same with the people that refer to Chapman's Peak as "Chappies".

The movie was top-drawer and I found it interesting that they celebrated the fact that he fell in love with someone else after marrying the mother of his children. He proceeded to marry her (the other woman) and, as the audience, you are relieved that he does. Keep that in mind as I chat about another movie I watched today.

Today I watched The Family Stone. I basically dragged myself into the show. I pre-bought a ticket but nearly gave it up to brave the traffic heading to 'the other side" to get to the Riverclub driving range. I gave in and watched the movie. I hit it square on the nose. It's not often you watch a movie on your own and find yourself laughing out loud. Luke Wilson is an absolute beaut! But more important was the presentation to Seth of Rachel McAdams. I had seen her in other movies but never took her seriously as the mother of my children. Fair play, Rachel, you gave it a bloody good shot. I'll definitely keep my eye out for you.

Rachel McAdams - Seth's current 'look'

But then I noticed another celebration of a near life-changing fuck up. I'll semi-ruin the movie for you, but not too much. The movie is all about a big American family coming home for Christmas. The eldest child, Everett, brings along his girlfriend to whom he wishes to propose. By the end of the movie his brother has pumped her and Everett is married to her sister. And IT'S ALL ABSOLUTEY FINE! It fixes the problems the family are having and everyone is happier for it.

So here I am , late 20's, surrounded by weddings and divorces and kids and decisions; and two movies in a row are celebrating the near mistakes that people make - FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Do you think this creates a want for anyone to settle down? Of course it doesn't. And why are there two movies in a row with this similar theme? Because it's becoming more and more normal. These are people who were 'knocked off their feet' when they met their first wife/husband. The statement "you'll know when it's the right one" comes to mind. WELL CLEARLY YOU FUCKING DON'T! I am reminded of even more recent stories about couples who stay together, have kids, and carry on for 5 years. But then they get married and everything explodes after six months. Now there's an interesting phenomenon.

Marriage is one of our oldest traditions and yet it is the only tradition which hasn't changed or progressed or faded away as people have progressed. Everything else has moved with the times. Laws have changed. Equality springs to mind. There has been so much progress and tweaks have been made to a multitude of things so as to stay in tune with modern day. Marriage hasn't changed in the slightest. Can't we introduce some sort of a lease agreement? Wouldn't that be the most honest thing? A maximum of 10 years with an option to renew. I don't know, Darling, should we go for the five years and take it from there? Imagine if that sort of situation was the norm. People change so much from their twenties to their thirties to their forties, it's almost unfair to the other person. If there was a five year lease then people would at least have to work towards a full five years. Any hiccups in the first three years would be worked out as they know they have to AT LEAST make it to five years. It's the FOREVER part that creates divorce. If you knew you could pull out happily after five years then there wouldn't be the fear of FOREVER which must surely play a role in people's quick decisions to cancel the agreement?

I won't go on about it, but give it some thought. Sometimes people strike it lucky, but perhaps we should err on the side of caution?

Keep those baby Nikes handy, Mom, they'll be pretty retro when baby Seth get's to wear them. God willing.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Now that he has consumed her very soul
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One of the worst tabloids on God's green Earth has reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are about to split, as she enters her seventh month of carrying the alien beast that he has bestowed upon her.

Life&Style - the World's most trusted news source

Whenever I read stuff like this I always wish I could have a heart to heart with Nicole Kidman. She must have seen it coming. I bet she would love to have a chat with Katie. They'll discuss Freak Boy's obsession with Scientology's New Testament and then, after a couple of toots, they'll chat about why it took Katie so long to realise it wasn't normal to sleep head to toe with Tom. Katie would comment that she did also find it odd that Tom used to unscrew his head and leave it on the nightstand before getting into bed. They'll probably also brush on the topic to do with Tom's penis looking like a hypodermic syringe.

"I didn't see it coming", Katie will exclaim.

She'll pick up the phone and call Pacey who will come and fetch her and take her back to his place.

Dawson will call him and tell him to go and fuck himself.

[full story here] - thanks Neil G

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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And echo the love that Seth gives them. Unconditionally.
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The 2006 Blog website Awards have arrived. Some of you may remember that 2oceansvibe won the Best Overall and Best Lifestyle site awards last year. I don't think that is right. I think YOU won those awards. 2oceansvibe wouldn't have been given those awards if YOU didn't read this drivel. And that is why I give everything I am to YOU.

A bottle of ice-cold YOU

This year's awards list a plethora of categories you can nominate in. Now I know how busy you all are, so I made it very simple for you to show your love. I read through some emails I have received form you lot and worked out which categories you would probably wish to nominate this, your second home.

I gather some of you find me somewhat humorous at times and thought I would include "Most Humorous website" in the list, along with best post, best writing and best lifestyle websites. And why bloody not? Naturally I will include 2oceansvibe in the Best Overall Blog website - although I fear this year it may be tighter than the last. It was unfair last year; no-one never knew what was out there - most people thought a blog site was where they put the porti-loos at office block building sites.

So, go ahead and click the link below which will pull up an automatic email on your computer with all the details in the subject line. All you have to do is click SEND on the email that comes up in your email software.

I think that is all there is to say. Let's see how good you are at giving back the love. We'll take it from there and I'll probably reciprocate.

NOMINATIONS ARE OVER

WE WILL LET YOU KOW WHEN VOTING BEGINS

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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2oceansvibe readers
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I won't make this long because there are tears welling up in my eyes as I think of the love I have for each and every one of you. I just wanted to say happy valentine's day, I hope it goes well and I hope you all get the action you deserve this evening.

I am reminded of something that happened to me the other day. I was at Summerville restaurant in Camps Bay and a little girl in a party dress tugged on my shirt. I looked down at her and said, "Yes, little girl, how may I help you?".

"Are you Seth Rotherham?", she asked.

"Yes, I am", I replied.

She went on to tell me that it was because of me that she wanted to become a writer one day.

I know. I was completely taken aback.

Ok, that never did happen but it would have made a good story if it was true. Come to think of it, if it was true (and depending on her age), she would have probably received a bloody good hiding.

So have a good valentines day and good luck to all the people out there who will be on their own tonight - bless you. Adult World have a 3 dvd's for R200 special on at the moment that you might want to take advantage of.

Much love,

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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..presents itself as we fumble from CD shuttle to iPods and MP3's
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I've never been one to go too overboard with my car sound and, although I have had friends with speakers the size of small children in their boots, I have been more one for music access and space. When I got my first car, 6-disc shuttles were not enough for me and I outsourced a 10-disc shuttle from the States (the early days). When mini-discs came out I got hold of a car mini-disc player and had a plethora of the little discs in the glove compartment. This allowed me more music per square liter of space in my citi-Golf (the fastest production thirteen hundred on the road at the time - I believed, and still do).

So now we are where we are, with enough music stuffed into tiny little objects than we could ever possibly imagine. Mozart's entire works can now be fitted inside your eyeball if you gave them half a chance. I had a slave tape (politically correct term is actually "courier tape") linked to my iPod Nano (purchased in New York during last year's "Strengthening Ties Tour") which played the music via a wire into my tape player. It looked revolting. My new car doesn't have a tape player and my music needs have now progressed further than the car's built in CD shuttle.

Lo and behold! U2 can stop singing because I have finally found what I've been looking for! Don't say I don't look after you!

Ladies and gentleman....do not be afraid of it's Star Wars sounding name...

I present to you, the Flash Forward MP3 FM MODULATOR!! [applause]

Bond would have had one

You are just loving that, aren't you? Isn't that just adorable! Let me explain it to you. The black Turbo Boost looking thing plugs into your car cigarette lighter. This is the modulator. It has a hole (USB for those who are down with the jargon) where you can plug in a flash memory stick. Most of you should know what these are - they're used to save information these days and aren't bigger than a small lighter. Anyway, how this works is that you store as much music as you can fit onto the memory stick (these days they can hold anything up to 2 gigabytes of music (that's a lot)) and then you plug it into the modulator (the black thing stuck into your car lighter. The modulator has a choice of pre-set FM stations that YOU CAN TUNE YOUR CAR RADIO INTO AND PLAY WHATEVER MUSIC IS ON THE MEMORY STICK! Are you with me? On the top of the modulator you can see there are buttons. These are for controlling the music stored on the memory stick (play/pause, stop, forward, back).

So it plays whatever music is on the memory stick THROUGH your car radio. No more effing wires anywhere!

There is also a plug on the right on the modulator that let's you plug in your iPod (or any music player) with the lead that comes with the thing.

But even if you don't have an iPod you can just plug in the memory stick with music on it that you have copied from any computer. So you can have more music than you would have in a CD shuttle - in one cigarette lighter!

It's a little bit silly really.

I said to the guy that I found that if he gave me one I would tell the 2oceansvibe legions about it. He gave me one and here I am. Naked, in front of all of you, telling my story. Telling my touching story of my encounter with the FM Modulator.

I do it all for you. Like Bryan Adams.

Get hold of these guys I found if you want one. The "Flash Forward" FM modulator is R399 and the guys will deliver it to your door in Cape Town within 48 hours absolutely free of charge. All you have to do is SMS "MP3" to 34007

Bond would approve

There is a new craze sweeping South Africa called "SMS Shopping".
Basically the way it works is instead of calling a long and involved telephone number where you don't know how long you're going to hang on and listen to music while your phone bill goes through the roof or labouring over ordering online all you have to do is SMS a key word to 34007 and they will call you back and get all your details. The SMS only costs R2 and the
benefits include:

1. Not having to remember a long telephone number or
e-mail address,
2. You can SMS them any time of the day or night so the "store" doesn't have to be open to receive your details,
3. They pay for the call when getting all your details, such as, credit card numbers or your delivery address.

Does it get any easier?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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"What were they smoking when they wrote that?"
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The Beatles - Paperback Writer

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear,
And I need a job,
So I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

It's a dirty story of a dirty man,
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
His son is working for the Daily Mail.
It's a steady job,
But he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.

It's a thousand pages, give or take a few.
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I could make it longer if you like the style.
I can change it 'round,
And I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

If you really like it you can have the rights.
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it you can send it here,
But I need a break,
And I want to be a paperback writer,

Paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer...


Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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This time she makes sure
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Our poor little babba! Shame. You won't BELIEVE what happened to her this time. You might remember a while back her phone was hacked into and all her phone numbers were revealed to the world. That was the second major invasion of privacy she has endured. The first was obviously the theft of her home made porn movie which, I believe, made the world a better place.

The little angel has now had her storage locker emptied out. Apparently there is a clause which states that anyone can buy the contents if she becomes too far behind in payments. She did. They did. And now someone is trying to sell the contents for 20 long US. She wants it back and he told her she is more than welcome to buy it back. Hilarious.

She's gotta stop doing this.

Paris practices for Caprice

I'm not sure if the world will be able to withstand such a large potpourri of pictures, videos and vice. But I do know one thing, it's all been in storage for a number of years so we'll be in store for some of her early shenanigans. Apparently she became quite tame after her 16th birthday. We see the same thing with some of the Cape Town girls who's first words were "double vodka red bull" and have done 5 years of clubbing before their 18th birthday. If you fast forward another 20 years they're chain smoking on their own in the corner of Peddlars, next to the biltong.

Original LA Times article here

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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All creatures great and small
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I was thoroughly enjoying an article in the Sunday Times Lifestyle section about the Knysna Elephants. The writer, Tiara Walters, went into the Knysna forest for a week in an attempt to spot one of the few elephants that are believed to be living in the forest. Apparently the last sighting was in November 2004.

Tiara was off to a good start and, after going through a brief history about the almost mythical existence of the Knysna elephants, decided to introduce the team to us..

STOP!

I'm sorry, but I simply CANNOT go on without telling you about something that happened to me about five years ago whilst living in London. It has to do with elephants and always comes up when I talk about elephants. I forget about it for a year or so and then suddenly remember it when people around me start talking about elephants.

You see, I had just kissed this girl in London and she had a special love for elephants. Now we all know that elephants have a very big fan base. You get people who have their MAIN animal that they care passionately about. Like people who have THEIR special breed of dog that they love. My Grandmother and Mother have had a smorgasbord of Yorkshire-Terriers during my time. One after the other.

You get West-Highland Terriers claiming a very large following too. Their owners refer to them as "Westies". My favourite family friends in London, went for the "(Cavalier) Lord Charles Spaniel". His name is "Dettori", after the jockey, Frankie Dettori. YourPureBredPuppy.com website tells us that although the King Charles does suffer from "separation anxiety", they "Adore comfort, cuddling in laps, and snuggling on soft pillows, yet have more athletic and outdoorsy instincts than you might think". I must say, Dettori does have a certain spring in his step when he wanders outside.

A Lord Charles, similar to Dettori

So anyway, just like each dog breed has its own human fan base, so do various animal types (please don't write in and tell me that I should have used another word, instead of the word animal "TYPES". Please. Don't. Let's keep our eye on the ball here).

The animals with the big fan bases are generally the animals that are said to be more intelligent than other animals. Man connects with them. Dolphin freaks are a good example. We all love dolphins........but then you get the people that believe that dolphins can cure AIDS, if we could just somehow get the God-knows-how-many infected people to swim with them. Stories of dolphins leading humans to safety in stormy weather only spur these people on. Traits include spending vast sums of money on Swarovski crystal dolphin figures.

My gran had Swarovski owls. My aunt had Swarovski ducks. My Mother didn't have Swarovski Yorkies (Yorkshire Terriers), instead she went for over 1,000 porcelain dolls. The collection includes limited edition Prince William and Prince Harry porcelain dolls which were created at the time of the birth of each child. Only a certain amount of the royal dolls were made; hence "limited edition". To make it even more hectic, the people that make these dolls SMASHED THE FUCKING MOLDS so that no more could be made. How hard core is that? As an only child, I feel more should have been done to ban the movie 'Child's Play' before it hit South African shores. (I was, however, banned from watching the TV series, "V").

[The previous insight into my family does not form part of, what I refer to as, "The Jerry Springer Collection". That will form part of my great novel.]

Back to the elephants. Back to the story that happened to me in London. Ok, so I came right with this beautiful girl in London. She really was gorgeous. Brunette with a mouth that can only be compared to that of Claire Forlani' (the essence of beauty). For those of you who have not yet found the image next to the word "beautiful" in the dictionary, she's the girl from the movie 'Meet Joe Black', featuring Brad Pittstonlie. I must just go on to say that, thinking about it, the girl in London is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever kissed in my life. I'm not sure what happened to her. Or to Beth, for that matter. Beth was so sweet. God, she was gorgeous.

Claire Forlani - has lookalikes who love elephants

So this girl in London, Angela, was a MASSIVE elephant fan. (Her real name is not Angela, I have changed it to protect her true identity, Helen). Come to think of it, she actually had an all-round resemblance to Claire Forlani. Not just her lips, her face too. I was really over the moon with myself.
So while I am kissing her in a lounge, at someone's home, somewhere along the Thames Whale Sanctuary; we somehow get onto the subject of elephants. I can't for the life of me remember HOW we got onto the subject, but we certainly did.

Angela (Helen) gave me a quick heads-up on the state of the Elephant Kingdom throughout the world. This obviously included the mistreatment of "the gentle giants" in certain parts of the world. (Her tears were welling up). We touched on stories of elephants being involved in actual miracles, as well as a stint reflecting on their great intelligence. Honestly, I am touched by these stories and I am a big elephant fan, but I'm just saying that I don't have a MAIN animal fan base that I am a part of. Angela clearly did; hers was elephants. I showed ENORMOUS interest, naturally.
So I was pretty much in my element - in the arms of one of the most beautiful girls I have ever kissed. But now she is on the verge of tears. I'll be honest, it's not ideal.

Angela recounted a story which involved a herd of elephant roaming somewhere along a desert plain of sorts. There was a severe drought and the herd of elephant, led by the Matriarch , had been walking for days. These stories always involve something that Man has done wrong. I'm thinking it was something along the lines of the watering holes being empty because of something that Man did. Something like that.

So the story went on. Elephants walking in the desert. Walking, walking walking. Starving. Thirsty. Struggling to walk. Baby elephant (calf) dies. Other elephants collapsing daily, randomly. They haven't had any liquid for WEEKS. Absolute carnage. (The tears are in full flow now. I have fetched some tissues from a nearby bedroom).

And then.......... the climax of the story...

THE MATRIARCH ELEPHANT STARTS CRYING AND THE YOUNGER, MORE DESPERATE ELEPHANTS, GATHER ROUND AND DRINK HER TEARS.






OH





MY






GOD

Angela is now sobbing uncontrollably in my arms. I am holding the most beautiful girl I have ever kissed in my arms, and she is in an ABSOLUTE STATE! I held her close to my chest and, rocking backwards and forwards with my head hung down over hers, (with lips pressed down against the top of her head in a perma-kiss, breathing through squashed nose), told her to "shhhhhhhhhhhhh....".

So that was the end of that. I collected my wingman somewhere else in the house and caught the first tube out of there.

FUCK!

(Sorry about that. I really never thought about getting into that story when I began this story. In fact, the real story was meant to be particularly short. The real story I wanted to do was about something I read in the Lifestyle Section of the Sunday Times.)

A herd of elephant

Back to the original story.... So the writer decides to introduce the team to us. These are the people who are going into the forest with her so she can do a story. She mentions Geoff Daglish, a photographer. Standard stuff for a story like this. But then she introduces elephant search guide and Sanparks forester, Hylton Herd.

HYLTON HERD

Whaaaah ! Like a herd of elephant! HYSTERICAL!

Do you know that she never made one mention about the hilarity of his surname in a story featuring animals which claim the same spelt word as their given collective noun! I just think it's rude to not make even the slightest mention of the coincidence. She could have even said something like, "I had heard of him before". Or, better yet, forced a spelling error and said, "I had herd of him before". ANYTHING!

She couldn't have NOT spotted it and she MUST have laughed about it on her own. Or is it possible that she didn't spot it? Surely not! You see, this is why she HAS TO mention it. Because to us, as the reader, it looks like she didn't spot it. Even if it is not meant to be a humorous story, something even remotely suggestive should be said. The context of the 'piece' is irrelevant. Otherwise you are one of two things, (A) Boring, or (B) Clueless. You could be both, mind. I don't like either, so I stopped reading the article and started writing this one.

Where did the day go?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Somebody pinch me!
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I missed the report completely, but judging by the amount of excited emails I received, it must be true. Mark Gillman will be leaving Radio 5 (5FM, if you must) at the end of June this year. Our prayers have been answered.

A full frontal would blind and deafen you

I wrote an article in November last year (Goodbye Gillman), outlining what was in store for us in the future. Well, people, the future is here. No more will you arrive at work with a razor blade to your wrist. No more will you complain of migraines. No more will you be subjected to the poor-man's Howard Stern with the Ashton Kutcher-esque rasp. NO MORE! You will now lead a peaceful, happy life. We predict a dramatic drop in suicides.

An article has just come to my attention on News24 (click here).

Thank you, God.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Seth Rotherham and Ricky Martin rumours are simply not true
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I would like to put to bed the rumours currently circling about myself and Ricky Martin. Although I was in Cape Town at the time of Ricky Martin's last visit, I would like to place on record we did not meet, nor do we "continue" or "maintain" any form of romantic contact whatsoever.

I respect Ricky as an artist and I have nothing against any form of salsa style music. I also believe very strongly in living "la vida loca" and base a lot of my beliefs on this lifestyle. And whilst I have nothing against Ricky and any gay tendancies that he may or may not have, I must make mention that I have no doubt about my of my life-long romantic devotion to the fairer sex.

This information should also put to bed the rumour that Ricky Martin's smash hit "Livin' la vida loca" was loosely based on my life.

Ricky Martin. Comedy in its purest form.

I very much doubt that these rumours were started by Mr Martin. But if they were, I would welcome a call from him to explain to me exactly where he believes all of this took place.

Just mates

In the real world, Samuel Beniquez, son of Aaron Beniquez, denies hidden romantic relationship with Ricky Martin.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Cleverness takes from the point
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I wrote this story last month and decided not too publish it. I felt it was a tad too scathing and thought I was getting carried away. I have subsequently had a second person comment on the use of a pair of pliers in my 'Loose Bolt' story. I gave it some thought and decided to go ahead with it. Enjoy. - Seth

Aaaah, it's too special. When I'm writing my little pockets of words, I think a lot about changing words. I read over the article once or twice and then I send it on it's way to you. There will always be the odd unforced spelling mistake or grammar error. But then come the forced errors that the majority of you understand and enjoy. When I write the forced errors I always think to myself, "Now please, God, DON'T let someone email in and correct me for that". I'm happy to report that the frequency of these kinds of emailed corrections are few and far between. But they DO come along and they DO amuse.

Ian P wrote in this morning:

"Not being the most practical of men...I thought I would point out, as I suppose a million people have, that a spanner tightens nuts...pliers are for manipulating wire.."

Our friend was commenting on an article I did yesterday entitled "'Loose Bolt' shuts down nuclear reactor" regarding a newspaper article mentioning a 'loose bolt' as being a reason why the Western Cape had no power for five hours.

Thanks for that, Ian P. I'll begin by pointing out that neither a million, nor a couple of people have mentioned it. That's right, not even two people. (But you knew that a 'couple' meant 'two' - it's not just work tools that you're super-bright with). No, not even two. It's just the one. It's just little you. Little Ian P.

Now what size spanner was it, Ian P?

You see, my love, I was commenting on the lunacy of the reporter/interviewee even mentioning that something as absurd as a 'loose bolt' was to blame. The point is that we were probably expecting a reason to do with nuclear physics and power stations; a reason which we would SURELY not fully understand. Something as simple as a 'loose bolt' is, in fact, the last thing that we expect - hence the 'lunacy', and the subsequent humour we find in the statement. A loose bolt is something WE, as laymen, can deal understand. Jesus, it's something that WE (as laymen) can FIX OURSELVES! This is when we make it even more funny - thus enhancing the story further. In such an instant it actually makes it FUNNIER if, whilst ranting and raving, one makes a trivial error - enforcing how silly it all is. This, Ian P, is why I chose a pair of pliers instead of a spanner. That's how ridiculous it all is. And that further highlights how ridiculous your email was.

And anyway, if you misunderstood everything and wanted to be clever, you would have chosen a 'shifting' spanner. There is bound to be a great variation in bolt sizes in and around a nuclear power station and at least a shifting spanner can change sizes. One spanner would never do it - or were you thinking of taking a full set? Come to think of it, practically speaking, PLIERS would probably be more useful than one spanner. I'll have it a guess that a pair of pliers could tighten a bolt further than an ill-fitting spanner.

You're right, Ian P, you're not practical. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that you're completely and utterly impractical. I suggest a read of Lennon's "A Spaniard in the Works" where you're bound to get a mention.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As her face continues to look like an actual arse
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Death on legs, Kelly Osbourne, felt it was necessary to have a go at our favourite tart, Paris Hilton. The obese troll had this to say:

"Me and mum (Sharon Osbourne) went to an awards show recently. There was a little girl there and mum said, 'How old are you?' and she said, 'I'm 11'. And she had on a miniskirt, a tank top that barely covered her chest, 4in heels and long, bleached-blonde hair - like Paris Hilton ... Paris doesn't hold up a sign saying, 'Everybody dress like me', but she is a bad influence."

Face doubles up as a jumping castle

I'll begin by saying that Kelly Osbourne would struggle a little if she ever came to Cape Town; where you can now by nappies in the shape of rah rah skirts. Mini skirts and rah rah skirts are mistaken for belts on the Atlantic Seaboard. I doubt Kelly could handle it. She'd be better off in Kalk Bay where everyone comes from the same gene pool.

And what are you nattering about with regards to being a role-model? Weren't you caught just the other day with over 1,000 pills in your handbag? You never smile, have a gutter mouth and you are continuously negative. What a revolting child!

I'm quite happy with today's youth spending their time at home drinking champagne and filming home made porn videos. At least they'll be smiling. A far cry from your Chico-the-Clown, miserable, punch-bag type face. If Paris is to blame for all the sluts out there, I would have to point a finger at you with regards to the amount of teen suicides in the World.

Paris Hilton - That's good times.

[source]

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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To look at Elisha Cuthbert
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Do not for one second forget about Elisha Cuthbert and what she has, unselfishly, given us in the past. I have stumbled upon a video clip of the scene from the movie 'Old School' that made her famous. It was also the scene that finally made me realise what I am looking for in a woman. I am referring to the morning-after scene when she lies on the bed and chats to Mitchapalooza before standing up and putting her jeans on. I cannot fault a second of her performance and, expectedly, cannot choose my favourite part of the sequence. Chatting on the bed, standing up, putting on the jeans, buttoning them up (and leaning forward so brilliantly as she does so) - they're all so perfectly played out. I want to share this with you.

And girls, I want you to practice for Seth. I want you to get a teddy bear and plonk it up at the end of the bed against the wall. Pretend the bear is Seth Rotherham. Put a sign on the bear's forehead that says "SETH" on it. Put on a pink top and pink panties and lie on your tummy-tum-tum, facing Seth. Lie down nicely. Talk to Seth. Practice nicely. (sunlight on bum is essential - as can be seen below). Get a friend to take a picture from the foot of the bed and email it to Seth (see pics for correct angle). Show him how clever you are. Then practice getting off the bed and putting on your jeans. Watch the video carefully and see how Elisha leans forward with her elbows out as she does up her jeans - this is a very important manoeuvre.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

For further insight, be sure to DOWNLOAD THE VIDEO HERE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Wherever you are....
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You may recall that December welcomed a bit of banter between myself and self styled SA rugby sex bomb, AJ Venter. AJ writes through his very own blog called, expectedly, ajventer.com

AJ look at camera. AJ angry. AJ need lie down.
Sleep AJ.

It is always a treat to read through AJ's articles which present such nuggets as "I have spoken to the very computer littered Butch James". Perhaps the website should include translating software. What AJ means here is not that Butch James has an abundance of computers all over his body, but rather that Mr. James is, in fact, computer LITERATE. At least I think that is what he meant.

But the real reason I am writing this is that AJ also mentioned the following tit bit towards the end of last year:

"So as from today I openly declare war against the enemy, but because it is the festive season I will not get into the nitty gritty’s of it all, but 2006 will be a very interesting time for you SETH good luck …………"

We're entering February now, AJ. The ball is in your hands, run with it.

Or are you going to do the usual and give it to the backs to take care of everything for you?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Buena Vita redeems itself as Pick 'n Pay loses the dip wars
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One of the big drawbacks of moving from Bantry Bay to Camps Bay would have to be the fact that Pick 'n Pay does not stock "Mediterranean's Jelapeno Cheese Dip" - arguably the greastest tasting chip dip that God has ever bestowed upon us. Superspar did at least get that right. Let me show you how it looks so that you can remind yourself of the Mediterranean range of dips. They have the hardest packaging to open but well worth it if you ever manage to get inside. Sort of like Cape Town women. Ooooh.

The Jelapeno Cheese dip,
looking relaxed next to the Carmel Mild Dill Cucumbers and Danone fat-free yoghurt
Giving the impression that Seth lives a particularly healthy lifestyle

So there you have it. It is NOT available in the Camps Bay Pick 'n Pay but definitely worth every inch of the drive up the road to the Buena Vita shop (next to the Cattle Baron) who, besides from stocking the magic dip, have the most bizarre range of stock known to man. Granted, it was probably slightly extravagent of me to expect salad dresing with the salad that I purchased. But they do have spray on bbq marinade (which I suppose could double up as salad dressings in some cultures). Nonetheless, they have the Jelapeno cheese dip and so does the Superspar at the end of Sea Point.

I am nearly complete. Now I just need to find my wife and meet the TBG.

UPDATE : The same dip is available at the 24 hour Woolworths at the Gardens Engen garage. Finally, the taste of heaven 24 hours a day.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Obviously
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Honestly, we weren't very surprised when we opened up this week's FHM magazine to find that the 2oceansvibe FHM Homegrown Honey 2006 choice, Barbara, had made the top 10. This is the kind of stuff you learn to expect with the 2oceansvibe readers (original article and pics here). Yes, I mean you. Every one of you. If I had the time and the opportunity I would grow little wings and fly all over Cape Town and give you all a little kiss on your foreheads. I would stuff myself with food and take off my clothes before doing so - to fully give off the impression that I am an actual cherub. Everyone would get a kiss, even you, AJ Venter, just to piss you off.

Keeping our eye on the ball, it is your duty to give Barbara the final push she needs to dominate the other 9 finalists (the votes start at zero again). We have access to basic voting stats from FHM and will be holding back articles until we see a significant increase in the votes. Serioulsy.

How do you vote, you ask? Very simple.

SMS the number 86 to 34672


Click to make everything bigger

SMS the number 86 to 34672

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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British tourist picks up where Yardley left off
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Someone's got to say something about this British tourist who suddenly finds himself in a spot of shit for burning down half of Table Mountain and murdering someone. I think people are just way too accepting of what they read these days. Why do we leave our bullshit detectors turned off when we read the papers the papers? (intentional)

For those of you who didn't notice the Independence Day cloud of smoke engulfing Cape Town this week, there was a fire the size of Connecticut on Table Mountain (see previous article). The fire and/or smoke also killed an old duck who was having a little walkabout on the slopes.

Obviously it's sad that someone died but PLEASE enjoy this quote from The Times newspaper:

"They were walking towards the smoke and the elderly lady lost control. She fell to the ground and caught fire," Senior Superintendent Tummi Golding said.

Thanks for that, Tummi. Good one.

I remember wondering how the fire started and whether or not it was intentional. I have been told about arsonists who atually go out there and start fires and I would imagine that these people can and have been caught in the past. Fires can also obviously start from people flicking lit cigarettes onto the mountain, something which would make catching the culprit verging on impossible.

THIS IS INCORRECT

Amazingly, in Cape Town, our highly skilled mountain rangers actually CAN catch the cigarette-flicking culprits. The papers informed us that a British tourist was seen flicking his cigarette onto the mountain. The witness watched the area where the cigarette was flicked and noticed a fire starting (this CANNOT be instantaneous). He then went over to the fire and tried to put it out. He couldn't put the fire out because it was spreading so fast BUT HE WAS STILL ABLE TO RADIO HIS BUDDY FURTHER DOWN THE MOUNTAIN TO STOP THE CAR! Not just that, but he ALSO gave his buddy the car registration number. Are you fucking kidding me? Unless the fynbos is injected with petrol, I'm finding it very hard to believe that all of this is true (for non-residents, 'fynbos' is the very unpretty local mountain vegetation that we're all meant to be very proud of. Some people cry when it burns. Some even commit suicide. This latest spurt of fires has rendered a number of my friends bullemic.)

I reckon the journalist writing the story has left out a couple of facts, because how the story stands at the moment is pretty unbelievable.

Have a little read over this:

Fiona Kalk, communications manager of the Table Mountain National Park, said the start of the fire was witnessed by a Hoeriekwaggo trail guide, Donovan Lyimo: "He was at the bottom of Platteklip Gorge on Tafelberg Road when he saw a man flick a cigarette from a car window and saw the fire start. Although Donovan tried to put out the fire there was no way he could, because it spread very rapidly.

"The man in the car also saw the fire starting but drove off. Donovan then radioed the registration number of the car to another guide, Noluthando Mathe, who was further down the road. She jumped in front of the car, stopped it and radioed rangers, who arrested the man."

UN BE LIEVABLE!

Does nobody find this story even the slightest bit spicy? I'm sorry but I'm not buying it.

Capetonians are world-renowned spicemasters and I THINK I know a little boy who is no different. Personally, I think Donovan started the fire. I think the fire started when he dropped the crackpipe he was smoking and, in his stoned dwaal, pinned the blame on the first tourist he could see.

It was Donovan. Donovan did it. AND he murdered that poor old lady.

On a final note I will remind you of two other recent bullshit stories we have had in the Cape Town region. Just recently they blamed a "loose bolt" for the Koeberg Nuclear Power Station reactor shutting down, causing a blackout in the Western Cape for five hours. And please, for God's sake, don't forget when planes were unable to land and Cape Town international airport shut down for a couple of days because there was A HOLE IN THE RUNWAY! I very much doubt it. I don't believe a hole was to blame. I think we all know what it really was. You know what it was. We ALL know what it was.

I think you'll find Donovan was lying in the middle of the runway, smoking his crackpipe again.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As we continue searching for a clever headline
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I don't really know what angle to take here. There was a terribly fierce fire on Table Mountain today. I'm not quite sure how these fires start. Some people reckon it's from someone flicking a cigarette out their car windows. Others think otherwise. Can you say that? Others think otherwise! I thought I would ask my local car guard outside Caprice and he was convinced that someone started it on purpose. I can sort of see the kick that the arsonist gets out of it. Complete havoc. The arsonist sees hundreds of people rushing around to stop something that he/she started. It turns him/her on. Personally I get more of a kick out of using the word "fuck" to explain phonetically the letter "F" to the people at the other end of Telkom's enquiries. That's right, they're absolutely fine with it. Give 1023 a call and ask for the number of something with the letter "F" in it. When you spelling it out and you get to "F", say to them, "F, for fuck". I swear to you, they don't bat an eyelid. Shame. Anyway, here are some on-the-scene pics sent in by Bernito V.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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