There was a stunning email going around this last week which contained an email conversation between a landlord's agent and the tenant. The topic was to do with the landlord's concern over the amount of people living in the house. The tenant's response was hysterical and the agent subsequently found out about the emails being sent around the internet - with hilarious results. (who talks like that?)
I thought this pic would just set the tone for the story
Read this in order:
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 4:03 PM
> >To: Michael Hustler
> >Cc: Tim Neville; Jonathan Kearins; Nick Babos
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Guys,
> >
> >During the last inspection it came to the owners attention that there is
> >more than 4 people living in the property. Please advise / confirm as
> >the owner has requested this information urgently.
> >
> >As there is only 4 people on the lease and the applications were
> >approved on this basis we must ask that the tenants (not currently
> >listed on the lease) to fill out and submit application forms
> >immediately.
> >
> >Once this has been done we will be in contact to advise if the
> >applications have been approved.
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 5:29 PM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >There is definitely not more than 4 people living in the house and never
> >has been. I will declare that formally if required. There may have been
> >a guest staying at the time (but I don't think so) but this is unusual -
> >unusual it would occur during the week that is.
> >
> >As you know Jade, we are 4 single young men making every day count. We
> >feel we are at the peak of our powers right now and sometimes this
> >involves us flexing it a little on the Sydney social circuit. I don't
> >proclaim to be a rock star but I am not a homebody either - my fellow
> >housemates will attest to this and I will attest to them in the same
> >vein. Some things transcend from heightened social stamina and one of
> >those Jade is over night guests. I think we both know what we're talking
> >about.
> >
> >So it seems we may simply be caught up on a definitional point. We only
> >have 4 people living at Trelawney but we do have guests quite regularly.
> >Babsy has more guests than Jonny for example but Jonny's standards are
> >higher - that's neither here nor there.
> >
> >We work hard and we play hard Jade and unfortunately the play spills
> >over a little but this does not constitute a breach of lease. All in all
> >I think we are excellent tenants and hold the premises in high regard.
> >
> >Please put this on the file.
> >
> >Tim
> >
> >p.s. about that dinner we have been trying to organize, how about next
> >week?
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Friday, 13 July 2007 11:16 AM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Tim,
> >
> >I've cleared it with the owners so everything should be fine now.
> >
> >I hate it when old people act like that. They probably haven't seen any
> >action for years. Old bastards causing me trouble!
> >
> >About dinner, I've fairly busy next week but Wednesday or Thursday night
> >are both free if that's okay with you. Let me know.
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Friday, 13 July 2007 4:41 PM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >I'm otherwise disposed on Wednesday, so Thursday it will be. How about
> >we meet at Hugo's at around 7 and go from there.
> >
> >Enjoy your weekend.
> >
> >
> >
> >Tim
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Monday, 16 July 2007 9:03 AM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Hi Tim,
> >
> >That sounds perfect!
> >
> >See you then. Looking forward to it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Monday, 16 July 2007 10:08 AM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >I should hope that you are looking forward to it.
> >
> >Now no more talk until Thursday night. I want you to save up all of that
> >energy and excitement for then.
> >
> >Tim
_______________________________
> >From: Jade Atkins
> >Sent: Monday, 23 July 2007 12:53 PM
> >To: Tim Neville
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >Dear Tim aka Arsehole,
> >
> >Why the f*** are people calling me and emailing me about your email?
> >
> >I can't believe that you or your pathetic friends would be low enough to
> >forward it around the internet like that.
> >
> >
> >People in my office think I'm a f***ing idiot because of it. I could
> >lose my job over this!
> >
> >Maybe I should send an email around telling everyone how f***ing tiny
> >your cock is and how you were so useless in bed.
> >
> >
> >I hope you f*** off and die.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Yours Sincerely,
> >
> >Jade Atkins
> >Property Manager
> >Belle Property Rentals
_______________________________
> >From: Tim Neville
> >Sent: Monday, 23 July 2007 3:08 AM
> >To: Jade Atkins
> >Subject: RE: 290 Glenmore Road -
> >Importance: High
> >
> >
> >Jade,
> >
> >I might save you the trouble and forward this around on your behalf.
> >
> >While many people will certainly take offence to what I have said (and
> >already have), the majority of people will get a good laugh at how low
> >your self esteem must be to not only scramble around to save us from any
> >trouble with the owners, but to also sleep with someone who clearly has
> >no respect for you.
> >
> >As for the size of my appendage and my performance in bed, I find this
> >quite hard to understand. Not only do I have quite a few repeat
> >customers, but you yourself seemed enthused the other night. Unless you
> >were faking that. But if you do have the ability to fake coming multiple
> >times then you may wish to consider a career in a different industry. I
> >think we both know what I am taking about.
> >
> >I am sorry if you do lose your job over the email. However, as I was not
> >the one who forwarded the emails I am not THAT sorry. But if you do need
> >a job, then I may be able to make some use of you over at our place.
> >However you will not be able to live there: only 4 people on the lease
> >you understand.
> >
> >Tim
We've found the towel shorts we were chatting about the other day! [permalink]
Well I tell you I nearly fell off my chair today! You might remember those shorts I mentioned the other day; the shorts that Hilts was wearing. Remember I asked you very nicely to get yourselves a pair for the Atlantic Seaboard this summer? Anyway there were stacks of people emailing me to ask me to let them know if I found a local stockist with something similar - I had no idea. Then suddenly, a new UK clothing label (featured in Topshop) got in touch with me and told me about their shorts. Can you bloody believe it!? Check this out:
Yes, yes, yes! That's what I'm TALKING about!
I emailed the company back (Lalesso) and asked if they were stocked anywhere locally. YES is what the lady told me! They ARE being sold in Cape Town and I suggest you ladies get your gorgeous little asses to the following outlets IMMEDIATELY before they are sold out:
Nylon - Kloof Street
The Bin - Harrington Street
Blackbeard & Dare - Cavendish (soon, a week or so)
But the BEST way to get these shorts would be to contact Alice Heusser on alice@lalesso.com or phone 079 132 8841 OR visit the studio at 411 The Studios, 112 Buitengracht Street (call for appointment).
I've given you girls a lot of info there. Don't balls this up.
We haven't kept you TOO up to date with Britney because she does crazy stuff every day and it's too exhausting to follow. But you might have heard that she is in a bit of cuck with regards to her kids and her role as a mother.
So I thought you would enjoy these pics of Britney ahead of her CUSTODY BATTLE and CHILD ABUSE CHARGES. Clever girl:
I don't usually enjoy these kind of things, but this one is pretty good. Thabo Mbeki's inbox. It's nicely detailed so have a good look around. If you're not too up to date on your local news, you might not get THAT much enjoyment from it.
Morning morning! I'm feeling a little queezy so will keep it light this morning. I'm sure more will appear once I've had my Vida-e coffee.
Ok, you should take note that our favourite platinum vagina has graced the cover of the German GQ. Let's take a look at that.
Teddy bear - absolute killer
Nice.
I enjoy the granny-type yellow swimming trunks. I like how the elastic at the bottom stops and doesn't go tight against the skin. It's just nice to know that there is some good airflow there. There is nothing better than a woman taking off her granny-trunks and welcoming you to a neat, expertly groomed package, with nothing but new car smell.
I've never been a massive fan of Kylie's sis Dannii Minogue. Probably because one never knows HOW to be a fan of hers. I mean, what does she do? She just appears in various forms of undress in various lads mags. Is that it? 'Cos if all you have to do to be a fan of hers is perve her body in magazines, then, I guess I'm a fan!
Does she sing?
I know ansolutely nothing about this chick - other than this:
Causes internet sensation as she talks the biggest load of crap ever [permalink]
Please enjoy this. A clip showing Miss Carolina 2007 finalist, Lauren Caitlin Upton, answering a question as to why she thinks the majority of Americans are unable to find the US on a map.
She just starts mumbling and bumbling about Iraq and South Africa and Asian countries and education. Aaaah..... shame my babba.
An absolute treat:
Shame my babba!
Why don't you go and bake us some nice hot muffins?
thanks eric
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
We're doing stealth-cool this season, boys and girls, and those in the know have already agreed on this season's most sought after item. The Carlucci's shopping bag.
With the overflow of Louis and Chanel on the Atlantic Seaboard it will be the hard-to-find locally exclusive, absurdly cool, distinctive symbol of of things understatedly hot - The Carlucci's Bag.
Homer enjoys the Carlucci's bag
I got mine today.
As a regular at Carlucci's (one of the stop-offs on the Cape Town Super Circuit), one develops a rapport with the manager and people on the till. I gave it a full go this week and pumped our boy with a R10 note into the tip box next to the till (noting that there was a R20 there already - something they must SURELY plant there - to "set the tone" as it were). Anyway, he was impressed with my gusto and bid me an exuberant evening.
I went to Carlucci's again this afternoon after a very exciting pre-summer cheeky hour-or-two on the beach. I was escorted through the shop and advised on what a great response the new Graham Beck sparkling was getting. I was amazed at the hands-on approach to service I was receiving. Giving in, I grabbed five of the bottles as I was awarded what was as close as one can get to a virtual applause from our boy.
We got to the till after agreeing that some people were indeed going to the beach today. We had a brief prayer session hoping and pleading that this was indeed summer breaking through after the HORRIFYING four-or-so months of winter we had managed to survive (as we (spoilt Capetonians) spend the whole of summer lamenting over how much longer it will last). It was at this point that the guy said to me, "Look, I'm going to give you one of these bags," as he looked at me with an expression that indicates that this is quite a big deal. I was well aware of the coolness and exclusivity that surrounds the simple, clean, distinctive canvas bags and acted normal, just DYING to get out of the shop so that I could celebrate in private.
So that's it, people. I've got mine. I'm ready.
I'm seeing it on the beach this season; filled with towel, snacks, drinks, music, phone, wallet and pot.
Microsoft Paul Allen's yacht, Octopus, cruises into Cape Town [permalink]
I received an mms on my phone (Well, it's the HTC TYTN, so it's more a lifestyle than a phone) from The Marketer on Sunday morning. It was a picture he must have just taken on his phone (also a lifestyle). It looked something like this (click to enlarge) :
"Octopus" - read the message on the phone
Oh my sweet fuck, I thought to myself, as I dialed his number, urgently wanting to know if this was a prank, or if the fifth largest super yacht in the world, Octopus (the second largest not owned by a head of state) was actually docked in Cape Town.
"It's there," he confirmed.
I must say I was a little miffed that I wasn't first phoned, urgently, before time was wasted on taking a photo and mms'ing it to me. I mean, what if it suddenly had to leave!
I instinctively phoned The Entrepreneur and said I would pick him up immediately to go and have a look. We headed for the boat, two cameras on hand - just in case.
R100 got us through the security gate as we approached Octopus from behind (QUIETLY from behind). Enjoy these pics. Click to enlarge.
Octopus enjoys it from behind
A tidy shitter
A little chopper for the boys
Two words - Mind Fuck.
It's like nothing you can imagine. The boys on The Atlantic Seaboard swooning over their Gallardo's need to get everything into perspective and raise their game a little bit. Yachts like this shit out the likes of Cape Town's previous perves, The Ferretti 761 (you might remember when Caprice took us out for a day on the Ferretti), from the side of the yacht just to get to shore.
Noting the two luxury 4X4's parked next to the yacht, we agreed that although vast, wealth of this sort was certainly attainable. We just had to work a little harder. Please enjoy the helicopter on the back (one of three, including the Sikorsky S76). To the top-left of the zoomed in pics of the helicopter above, you will also note the basketball net above the garage.
I took the liberty of finding some pics on the web universe for you. These pics include, the submarine, the swimming pool, the downstairs bar and spa, a couple of the yacht's tenders (part of seven boats docked in the yacht's transom, used to fuck around with and get to shore).
Enjoy.
Here we see the naughty little Sikorsky S76 (one of three choppers) on the back
The pool deck. Note, the lower part of the boat in the pic is where
the chopper was parked earlier
A little bar and spa where we can hang out on jet ski's
Make it a Windhoek, ship-mate!
Octopus farts out one of the "tenders"
One of seven "tenders"
Aah, look! Another one!
A quiet sub
So that was quite fun, hey? I don't know how long the thing is in town but if it is still here you simply MUST try and take a look. It'll blow your socks off. It's parked at the harbour's "D-berth." Turn right at the first circle as you come into the Waterfront's main entrance - heading towards The Clocktower. Go straight and turn right at the next (might be one after) circle that comes up after that. Drive straight through and it'll be on your left. Look carfefully cos there is a building in the way. You can get to a fence facing the front of the yacht quite easily which is more than enough to enjoy it. Or you can be a little crafty and also try your luck getting through the gate on the other side. Wear your smooth-talking shoes and visit and ATM before you go.
It was all for you - this will blow your mind [permalink]
A number of you have been writing in asking for a follow-up on my earlier article entitled Johannesburg Undercover. I mentioned that I had a secret mission and was not able to divulge the entire story at that point. I needed a few things to unfold before this moment. The reason was that I was attending a fine car auction held by Sotheby's in Rosebank, Johannesburg.
The one lot at the auction was the number plate. "CA 3." I had previously mentioned to a friend of mine living in Europe (who has cars in storage in Cape Town for when he is here) that it would be the biggest salute to the 2oceansvibe lifestyle and mantra "Work is a sideline, live the holiday" if he were to give me the go-ahead to bid for the number plate and win!
I mean, imagine that! Imagine going to a fine car auction and bidding for a number plate and being in with a good chance; made all the more exciting with the foreknowledge that a well-known and respected wealthy Cape Town businessman and fine-car-collector was adamant of winning and would stop at (virtually) nothing to obtain Cape Town's rarest number to ever go on auction, ever.
Ever.
Now let's just back this up a bit. The last time I saw this number plate was eight months ago on a lady's car in Mouille Point (who lived in the block next to my office). My European friend who was in town at the time had just purchased his new (substantial) Cape-Town-car and we were taking a look at it in front of the hotel he was staying in. He is a smooth gentleman and certainly lives the absolute maximum 2oceansvibe lifestyle.
Acknowledging his vibe I suggested that the number plate CA 3 would take his car to new levels previously unknown to mankind. I explained that there were personalised plates around town (which end with the letters "WP") of which SOME were cool, but those in the know knew that the CA plates are more about stealth-wealth; in a sort of new vs. old money kind of way (The Kennedy's vs Footballer's Wives). He knew I wasn't fucking him around and agreed for me to leave a letter in the car's wipers offering to purchase the number plate for a healthy sum of money.
I wrote the letter and luckily the car window was open, as I placed it next to the gear lever.
I never heard another word for eight months when suddenly, out of the fucking blue, I was called by the family who own the number plate, saying that they had found the letter and the number plate was going on auction on Monday (this was on WEDNESDAY)!
The hamsters in my head were going MENTAL at this stage. The first thing I thought of was you. I NEED to make this happen for the 2oceansvibe readers. They WANT this. They NEED this. Christ, Africa needs this!
I pumped an email through to my buddy, saying that I had to go and get it for him. He agreed and POEF! I was off to Johannesburg to bid for CA 3, against one of the BIG GUYS. Would that not be what YOU, my precious readers would want? YES! YES IT IS! That is EXACTLY what you would want!
I went with The Jo'burg Attaché and we won!
I know!
And it was GRUELLING. Head to head with the other guy bidding over the phone!
Mental!
Hysterics aside, we walked out and were swamped by reporters asking what planet we had come from. I hadn't planned this part and suggested they call me in the morning as my heart was going about Mach-8.
I called our boy and told him we had won. He was pleased and, regarding the reporters, agreed that his name should be omitted and this was a 2oceansvibe moment to please the readers. Seth Rotherham could prove, once again, how much he you adores you - using mainstream media! The ultimate prize!
And so, my sweets, THAT is why I have taken so long to report back. I couldn't pass this up.
And so, in completion, I have it for you in print and radio.
As Amy Winehouse gives us the real deal [permalink]
Just when you thought Rock & Roll was dead and Live Aid had taken over and hotel rooms would no longer be trashed, Amy Winehouse brings it in for the real thing. The Daily Mail reports that Ames and her boyfriend went on a ballistic drug-fueled bender in their hotel room and then ran around London with blood all over them and wounds to their faces, hands and feet.
AWESOME!
Old school rock
Whilst the likes of Bono are fraternising with The Pope and saving the world, it's nice to see rock & roll is alive and well. Kurt would be impressed.
As nation still believes he could take Wimbledon next year, irrespective [permalink]
The more hardened of you readers out there will be well aware that I run a pre-Wimbledon story every year about Tim Henman and how he has had to endure the annual relentless, unwavering, unfair, unreal expectations of a nation to win Wimbledon - a process which has confirmed every sportsman's fear of pre-game jinxing. Hence his retiring after 14 years never having won a grand slam, let alone being knocked out of the Wimbledon second round three years in a row.
Well done, guys - you've finally killed Timiny.
Timiny is to the Brits what Kenny is to South Park.
Tiger Tim gives one of his CLASSIC
power-punches HARD into the air.
BANG! POW! YEAH!
Fucken-A!
So there you have it. God, there is so much work to be done! I mean, all those action figures (with extras including "Henman Hill" with detachable fans), and play-play Henman teeth! Nope, this won't be easy.
This is not an article about Paris Hilton, as much as it is a request to the girls attending Camps Bay beach this upcoming season.
This is what I am talking about (click to enlarge pics).
Hilts shows us this season's Atlantic Seaboard shorts
You'll notice (apart from an apparent boob op) that Hilts is wearing similar shorts in both of these pics. One green and one white. I want you (girls out there) to take special note of the material, shape, hem and cut of these shorts. You've seen them before; they're generally made out of a kind of toweling material, always with a thick elastic at the top.
This is what I'm seeing this season on Cape Town's Atlantic Seaboard. Let's buy a few pairs of these, girls. And let's wear them. Wear them on the beach, wear them at Caprice - as long as you WEAR them.
Let's have a closer look at those guys.
Note the elastic around the waist.
Note the material.
That's what we're looking for.
Don't be shy of baby pink either (think Barbie). Or pink with white trim. Or vice versa.
Feel free to suck lollipops and act a little spastic when you walk.
Does daddy's little angel want some ice-cream? Is THAT what daddy's little angel wants?
Hmm. I don't know about THAT! Has the little angel been behaving?
Hey? Answer daddy!
"Yes, I have been behaving."
I beg your pardon?
"YES!"
Yes WHO?
"Yes, DADDY!"
That's better. Let's get the little babba some ice-cream.
I'm sorry but Dolce & Gabbana's new ad for men's fragrance "Light Blue" is COMPLETELY pushing it. When I turned the page of my new Vanity Fair and was presented with the double-page spread, I thought I was under attack by this incredible spice master's crotch. It's so rude.
Check this guy's vibe! Check that white speedo! It's OUT OF CONTROL!
As Her Royal Highness decides to take a day off [permalink]
I returned to The Safe House today at about lunch time after a standard morning of saving the lives of small children and spreading goodwill. Although only 1pm, it seems that Mavis decided that her job was done for the day and she had even taken the liberty of leaving me another little note. (you may have seen the other notes before in the Mavis section of this site).
Hmm....what's this now, I thought to myself?
Mavis the Psychic notes down her latest vision
Interesting...
Mavis has worked out that she is not feeling well at LUNCH TIME and seems to have some form of insight into how she will feel in 18 HOURS TIME! AFTER SLEEPING!
Amazing!
She is CLEARLY trying to kill me and I am QUITE confident that she is taking drugs.
You see, unlike most Domestic Executives, Mavis doesn't find it necessary to REQUEST things - she merely ANNOUNCES what is going down. Like when she ANNOUNCES to The P.A. that the Safe House is low on Flora margarine (requesting the biggest tub available on the shelves - enough to bath in) or when she feels that soft two-ply toilet paper is not good enough. Luxury toilet paper usually only reserved for ballerinas and cherubs is the only way forward for Mavis.
That reminds me of when I told Mavis that, although very impressed with her skills, I had found a chink in her armour. She pulled a face that indicated that she VERY MUCH DOUBTS that I have anything to teach her.
"Follow me," I said, leading her to the bathroom.
I explained that when replacing a used toilet roll, the new toilet roll had to be put on so as to peel off the TOP of the roll DOWN, rather than from the bottom of the roll UP.
That was when she threw in a little chuckle and explained that she found the topic QUITE INTERESTING because, you see, SHE IS LEFT-HANDED and that is the reason why she prefers it to come from the BOTTOM UP.
[You might have to read over that again, slowly, so as to fully grasp what I have just said]
Oh is THAT why you put it on the toilet roll like that?! For when YOU poo! Well I MUST apologise - I had NO IDEA that everything around us has been tailor made for you. How very rude of me. God, how silly of me - I COMPLETELY forgot you were left handed! (Duh!).
You'll notice the webcam on this site is going through a bit of a wobble at the moment. You see there is building going on at The Safe House and everything is in the wrong place. I did, however, get this pic of Mavis for you the other day. I was just toying with the idea of installing some sort of a Mavis Cam to keep an eye on Mavis in the day.
I got this shot whilst I was out saving lives the other day. You'll notice that Mavis decided to take a moment out of watching e-TV WWE wrestling and did a spot of ironing! Shame, Mavis, are you ok?
I thought it only right to put the webcam BEHIND her, in order to protect her identity.
I thought this would be a good time to let you know that a member of the 2oceansvibe family is taking part in the show. You might remember Angie who was featured on this site in the article entitled "Caprice Volleybal Flesh Extravaganza," and was displayed in the following photograph:
A little camo bikini bottom for the boys
Those of you who don't know Angie will see/enjoy her tonight on MNET's Survivor at 20h00. Except this time she will look more like this:
Angie - eats wooden people for breakfast
So there you have it! As a part of the 2oceansvibe family, you will be pleased that you have someone to support for this season's Survivor South African.
Hi team! I've been very crafty here and pretended that this article was put up on Tuesday when, in fact, it is WEDNESDAY right now! I am SO out of control at the moment!
Anyhoo, enjoy these recent pics of Sienna. She has a lovely little pair of guys. Very much my vibe. Not that I'm too fussy. Well I am but, you know...
It is a particularly exciting day today as I find myself on a plane flying from Cape Town to Johannesburg, returning tomorrow. I so very badly want to tell you the reason I am off on this little tour but to tell too much would be to shoot myself in the foot.
All I can tell you is that I am staying at the Johannesburg version of the Cape Grace, called The Grace. Nothing wrong.. It’s 5 stars. Which is a given. I wasn’t aware that you could get less than 5 stars in a single serving.
Anyway. A driver will fetch me at the airport when I land and take me to The Grace whereupon I will check into my suite and probably receive a massage. I suggest they open the mini-bar before I arrive. I will have a couple of hours to myself so will probably wreak havoc in and around the hotel and see how many ludicrous things I can get the staff to do. This should also be plenty time for me to get into character, as I prepare for the evening’s event. At 16h00 on the dot I will be visited by The Jo’burg Attaché, who will be joining me for tonight’s mission .
After a powerful hug and a whiskey we will proceed directly to the Stephen Welz & C0. (in association with Sotheby’s) “Classic, collectable cars, motor Cycles and Automobilia auction.” The auction starts at 19h00 and will feature over 90 lots, including the 1938 Mercedes Benz 540K Cabriolet B Supercharged, which is expected to fetch between R7,2m and R10,8m. I won’t be bidding for that and, sadly, I cannot tell you what I will be bidding for at this stage. What I CAN tell you is that it is one of the SPICIEST things I have ever done and I will be coming back to Cape Town victorious!
Sunday Times main section back page ad stuns the nation [permalink]
Apart from the classic penis/carrot joke which will never lose its charm (seen here at our horse feeding outing a while back), I don't welcome phallic comparison humour. It's boring. It's tacky. That is why I am being dead serious when I say that I found the Transnet ad in the Sunday Times WHOLLY inappropriate.
It probably would have been fine in a mag or a half page in the paper - but a full page ad! It's just too big. That's like the size of my torso. Before you focus on it and realise what it is you just immediately think PENIS. The Sunday Times has been sabotaged! Someone has held the printers hostage and forced them to print a massive cock on the back page. All of this happened before my eyes focused and by the end of it I had a cold sweat down my back.
It wasn't only because of the shape, but also because yellow suggests the colour of flesh...... I think...... or maybe I'm referring more to the fact that mielies ("corn", for our international readers) are shiny - suggesting the more intimate, moist parts of our flesh (I'm sorry but I'm trying to find the right words here ). Either way, if you take these split-second messages sent to your brain, combined with the loose strands (from the mielie having been opened) it's nothing but a dick surrounded by a thicket of pubes.
You probably think I'm overdoing it. I'm just in shock I suppose.
This ad is not funny. It's rude.
Transnet - using poor, crass humour to advertise their product
Andrew James sent in the last TBG sighting and mentioned that a few of his colleagues had a group photo with The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy). He said they would be sending it in to 2oceansvibe. I forgot about it completely until I received the following email and photograph from The Celebrity MC.
It sounds like the boys had a very special night out with none other than The TBG!
John Smit, Johann Muller, The TBG, Butch James and el Monty
Hi Seth,
It’s not often celebrity behaviour takes me by surprise, but occasionally even my eyes are opened; cue a night of quiet indulgence at FTV a couple of weeks ago. A number of Springboks were taking a well-deserved break from their World Cup training program, enjoying a relaxed night out, and receiving the encouragement and adoration that (as we both know) comes with star status.
And then something quite magical happened… I’ve had the honour of meeting the TBG on one or two occasions; quite simply, the only other person I’ve spent time with who comes anywhere close to exuding the same aura is Samuel L Jackson, and even Sam doesn’t boast the same mystique and intrigue. That the TBG affects people so is common knowledge; still, to see the reaction of the rugby stars was startling. As the TBG glided down the stairs to model-packed basement, Percy Montgomery grabbed hold of Bob Skinstad and pointed excitedly; both men looked like kids on Christmas morning. John Smit actually dropped his drink; Jaque Fourie looked like he’d been hit with a stun gun; and Butch James and Wynand Olivier, with nervous apprehension and a little giggling, approached the TBG to get an autograph. The TBG was his magnanimous self, greeting each player in turn, shaking hands, having a quiet word. Skinstad had a tear in his eye when the TBG told him that South Africa thanked him for returning home – that such mundane detail does not escape his eye is further evidence of the TBG’s grandeur.
Then, suddenly, he was gone, leaving an excited chatter of Springbok stars; if South Africa does go on to win the World Cup, then the simple touch of the TBG, and a few words of support to our rugby heroes, might well have made the difference.
There is only one word to describe what you experienced and I mean in the true real meaning of the word - AWESOME!
And that photograph! Look at the EXCITEMENT on John Smit's face! Christ! That's like a World Cup win. Amazing! And Monty! Well, Monty is just looking exceptional as usual.
But back to that story! That is nothing but AWESOME!!! I mean, there you were, WITNESSING a live gauge showing The TBG's level of superstardom. Well, it's just awesome! To see our rugby stars swooning of The TBG must surely put it all into perspective. Only now can we even begin to get our heads around the enormity of the great man's influence and grande aura.
I just thank God every day for The TBG.
God probably thanks The TBG himself every day.
The TBG probably pulls his hand away and wipes it through his hair as God tries to give him high fives.
MNET's Carte Blanche on Sunday night brings it in for the real thing [permalink]
With a celebrated history and an unknown future, it is often debated as to why some stay and some leave. The beauty is one thing, the people are another.
Please enjoy this little snippet from Sunday night's Carte Blanche on MNET where the interviewer (MNET, can you and your websites make it any harder to get her name?) grills a hospital management figure on the pot plants that arrived before a visit and then disappeared thereafter.
It's all about "the pot plants". Please enjoy managements' laughter when she brings up the pot plants. (Just after the moment where I can't contain my own laughter).
end of the line says Oh, wrong number, sorry to waste your time" [permalink]
You will notice this article is dated for December 2005. I couldn't help myself. My iPod is currently on random and it's playing and......and I just wanted to to listen to it with me.
In conjunction with DJ Sox at Caprice, we continue our "important song tuition service" (ISTS). We have already introduced/reminded you of Corey Hart's Sunglasses at night (see article (including lyrics) here). You read it, you loved it and you welcomed back (introduced?) Corey Hart into your life. As I said, Sox and I have earmarked another absolute beauty of a song. Suzanna by The Art Company. I think it's fair enough to refer to it as a 'one hit wonder'. Nonetheless, it is an absolute pearler of a song - one of which we have been filtering into the euphoria of Caprice Sunday nights. The song demands crowd participation and, although there has been a couple of takers, we feel it is time for you to spend time perfecting it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Suzanna, by The Art Company:
We sit together on the sofa
With the music way down low
waited so long for this moment
It's hard to think it's really so
The door is locked there's no one home
They've all gone out we're all alone
Su-sanna, Su-sanna
Su-sanna I'm crazy loving you
I put my arm aroud her shoulder
Run my fingers through her hair
It's a dream I can't believe it
It took so long it's only fair
And then the phone begins to ring
And a strangers voice on the other end of the line
Says oh, wrong number, sorry to waste your time
And i think to myself,
Why now,
Why me,
Why.......
Su-sanna, su-sanna,
Su-sanna, I'm crazy loving you
Su-sanna, Su-sanna,
Su-sanna, I'm crazy loving you
Again I sit myself beside her
Try to take her hand in mine
The moment's gone, the feeling's over
She looks around to find the time
Then she says could we just sit and chat
And I think well that's that
Susanna, Susannna,
Susanna, I'm crazy loving you
Still we sit here on the sofa
With the stereo on ten
The magic's gone, it's a disaster
There seems no point to start again
She says I think I'd better go
She says goodbye and I say... NO!
Su-sanna, Su-sanna,
Su-sanna, I'm crazy loving you
Su-sanna, Su-sanna,
Su-sanna, I'm crazy loving you
I'm so crazy loving you
As Anne Hathaway brings out the little boy in all of us [permalink]
I don't want to get too deep or anything, but when I first saw these pics below, I very nearly wept. I think we need to have a chat about this.
You might remember Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. Personally, I fucking loved the movie. It brought out the poefter in me and I shrieked with delight in private with the other girls when it was just us. I got so excited about it that I simply HAD to own it. You know when you love a movie so much that you want it inside you? Ja, like that.
Anyway, none of the fucking shops had it and I had to order it on DVD over the "internet". I watched it again and must confess that although very pale and different looking, I was and still am quite attracted to Anne Hathaway. The contrast of those lushes red lips against that pale skin, combined with a very generous duo below her neck , really gets to me (you might want to cast your mind back to Tuesday Tabs #20 where we featured Anne Hathaway and the aforementioned dynamic duo). It's a good look. I'm fine with it. Honestly, those lips are something else.
I always knew there was something special about Anne Hathaway. You've heard about these chicks. The nerdy ones. The innocent ones.
"Ooh no, I must stay in the shade. And I'm feeling a little tipsy. Tee Hee."
You think the relationship is gonna be all cuddle and snuggles and next thing you know she is molesting you under the restaurant table. You very rarely get to eat second course with these chicks. Back at home she approaches the moves in the bedroom with the enthusiasm of a nymphomaniac first-timer who has finally found a live penis to play with whilst her parents are away. I've seen this shit. It's God's way of rewarding us for tipping big.
Anne Hathaway is one of those chicks and I love her for it. She proves it below when she decides to act out every boy's ideal - getting a blow job on a yacht in the sun whilst you're chatting to your mate on the phone.
Anne, 2oceansvibe loves you, baby.
Big kiss xxx
It's not your classic supermodel figure,
but I'm FINE with it.
"Sorry babe, it's Paul le Roux on the line. I have to take this call"
"Christ! Sorry, Paul, it's a REALLY bad line.
I'll call you back now now..."
"Thank you SO much, baby! That was SO good!
You are VERY naughty, angel! Was that nice?"
I like this guy. He is a fucking legend!
Check his little semi quietly having a look.
I was thoroughly amused to find a little mention of the Alec Baldwin spoof I popped on yourtube ages ago, in Damon Boyd's section of the Sunday Times where he discusses the internet and "webby" things...
Damon Boyd - confident
Nice one, Dame.
Is that what your mates call you, Damon? Or do they stick to the classic Boydo?
I don't know if that is good or bad...... to be called Dame. I don't MIND it. Although, I must admit I would prefer "the great Dame".
Anyway, in case you missed it last time, here is the video:
It's that time of year again! In just six weeks we'll be going mental once again at the second annual Rocking the Daisies rock festival held up the road in Darling! If you missed what you're in for this year, be sure to check our previous article, as well as the official Rocking the Daisies website.
On that note, we are pleased to announce that we are holding a competition for you to win 10 VIP tickets to this year's festival! That's right! 10 VIP tickets are up for grabs! Right here! Right now!
10 VIP TICKETS UP FOR GRABS
All you have to do to win one of the five pairs of VIP tickets is the following.... now listen closely:
Send a picture of you and/or a friend "rocking a daisy" (you can interpret this however you want) and make sure somewhere in the photo you have "2oceansvibe.com rocks daisies regularly" written somewhere. I don't care where. You can write in on your arse if you want. Just make sure it's there.
On the Kfm morning show with Nic Marais [permalink]
I timed my car ride well the other day. The radio was, naturally, tuned in on Cape Town's number one - 94.5FM for Kfm's morning show with Nic Marais - The D.J. He was, hysterically, interviewing Pauly Shore. I don't quite have an opinion of Pauly Shore, but I LOVED the idea of The D.J. interviewing him. Two very different people.....LIVE on air. There were bound to be some curve balls.....
Pauly Shore - different..
And curve balls there were. Particularly when Pauly Shore decided to talk about when he was dating a porn star. Marais probed deeper...... with hilarious results (sorry I couldn't help it).
If you missed it, don't worry, I got it for you.
That's how much I love you.
Check it out :
(I didn't have the strength to find a website like youtube that does audio instead of video, so I had to FILM the audio clip from the radio, so that I could successfully upload it to youtube. This all probably means sweet fuckall to you so you might as well ignore what I just said and press on)
I thought we would kick off this Tuesday with an early morning Tuesday Tabs. Today, courtesy of Petra Nemcova, we bring you one of the more important pair of guys. We've had Petra before on Tuesday Tabs, but this particular angle is quite something!
Dale S wrote in to inform us that a BLACK FERRARI from Hout Bay cleaned itself into a phone box on Sunday in Camps Bay. You might remember we posted an article a while ago when readers sent in pics of the Lamborghini that pumped the Kloof Nek wall.
Ouch.
The last supercar crash we witnessed
So you know what this means?
It means we are just going to standby for YOU to send us some pics of the Ferrari crash that happened on Sunday.
So Thursday was a holiday and nothing had been planned for Wednesday night. I was meant to be sick so didn't want to drink a lot of alcohol (I have a weird recollection of a Doctor, somewhere, telling me that "a little bit of alcohol is actually quite good for you"). I had given G-man a guilt trip recently about neglecting me and we agreed to do some "boys time" at Opium on the beach (Caprice is being renovated and I'd rather go down on Manto than deal with Tuscany Beach). G-man said there was a pool table at the back of Opium and the novelty of playing pool next to the beach appealed to our senses. We drank a bottle of JC le Roux sparkling at The Safe House (sorry Mum, the Pierre Jourdan was finished and someone gave the JC as a gift) and rumbled down the hill for a spot of pool.
Shame
The muffshow began when we ordered two whiskeys and acknowledged to the barman that we would like to start a tab. The barman asked for a credit card to secure the tab, which I handed over as we walked towards the pool table. G-man and I had already started the "you know I'm going to kick your ass" banter, when the barman shouted out something that sounded like "mehvarentou shia bwemer."
"WHAT?!?!?!" I asked, squinting my eyes as I turned back from what was a very excited walk towards the pool table.
I walked ALL THE WAY BACK to the bar and asked what could possibly be the issue that is holding me back from my first "on-the-snap-Vincent" Color of Money break I was about to give.
"Your name" was all the barman said, as he waved my credit card in the air - referring to the tab that he was starting.
"My name," I asked?
"Is that a sentence? What about my name? Don't you like it," I enquired - confused.
"I need your name for the computer so I can start a tab," came out of his mouth.
"Well, let's think about it," I suggested. "Why don't you put it under 'theonlypeoplehere' or 'pooltable' OR, now this is just thinking out the box, YOU COULD LOOK AT THE NAME ON THE CARD YOU'RE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND WHICH FEATURES MY NAME IN CAPITAL LETTERS - RO THER HAM."
Christ!
I returned to the pool room and took in my surroundings. There was a toilet door at the corner of the room, RIGHT next to the pool table. The door had no handle on it and it turned out that this was THE bathroom for the entire establishment - boys AND girls. It's quite cool for a chick to take a pee 15 inches away from two men drinking whiskey, playing pool. Nice vibe.
We settled into a number of games of pool as The Kitesurfer arrived, sending the night into a rude spiral. More pals arrived so we ordered some plates of snacks. The average calamari went well with the plastic chicken pieces - some taste was needed in the form of Tabasco sauce. The waiter informed us that there was no Tabasco sauce and after a few minutes, without our insisting, the manager arrived asking if we were the people looking for some form of hot sauce. After educating him that Tabasco fans are looking for a specific taste rather than a burn, and, looking for any sensation besides that given by cardboard, I relented to his offer of a 'hot-sauce' made by his very hands.
He returned when we were near the end of the chow and the Thai Green Curry Sauce (Huh!!!???) went quite well with the left over chips.
I would say that the other door next to the loo door, leading to outside, which couldn't close, was definitely a feature of the evening. There was CONSTANT heavy-duty staff-traffic going in-and-out of the door the whole evening. There was a helluva draft and we were left with no option but to pile two handy bricks (have we not finished building, nearly a year on?) against the door to keep it closed. The humour of staff knocking the bricks over when opening the door provided a distraction from the bitterly cold air breezing in from outside (ex-pats will be pleased to know that we are having the ODD chilly moment in Cape Town).
We also amused ourselves by plugging in a concert-type red spotlight which was lying around next to the cigarette machine. Very odd - but useful when trying to compensate for a negative ambience.
It was good humour and a clear indication as to why Opium on the Beach finds itself consistently empty. I mean REALLY, what is going on?!? There were even builders walking in and out of the door next to the pool table, carrying stuff - THE WHOLE TIME! On a Wednesday night! After 8pm! Carrying all SORTS of shit. Doors, planks, sheets of metal.... What the fuck is going on, man? Are you KIDDING me? We're trying to have a fucking game of pool here? What are you building? Is there a secret MINE SHAFT underneath here? (Racist?)
Very bizarre vibe. It was quite obvious that the only thing left to do was to ascend upon the party happening at Ignite which was the kind of party I've been needing for a while - even though it took Dale QUITE some time to sort us out with the access problem we were having. You came through in the end, my love, and we thank you for that.
To the other Camps Bay commercial entities out there, the market is still WIDE OPEN for a little pool table vibe - let us know if you get one.
In case you haven't seen or forgot about one of the funniest moments of cinematic history, I feel it is necessary to bring you this particular clip. It is from the movie Old School and features the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" sung by the band in the background, whilst the guests dance.
The genius is in the way the band drops the F word a number of times into the song without most of the guests realising. It is sung by famous extreme cover band, The Dan Band, who sing tons of other songs which you can find on yourtube. Enjoy.
I'm really pleased that supermodels are looked after for the rest of their lives. Here we see Cindy Crawford on a superyacht, enjoying the high life. And so she should; she was a supermodel after all!
Camps Bay sees another blow to the ever weaker Eastside [permalink]
Theglory days of the Camps Bay Strip's Eastside are looking well and truly over, as the Westside increases its stranglehold of The Strip's eating/drinking market share. Whilst it clutches onto the coattails of Paranga restaurant, and with the gradual raping of Blues Restaurant's soul and the bastardising of the restaurants below next to Pick n Pay, the last thing the Eastside fuckshow needed was even more additions to the ever powerful Westside of The Strip.
I'm talking about the new development going on next to Bayside Cafe - where the old pharmacy used to be - three doors down from Camps Bay's heartbeat, Caprice. You might have noticed a bit of activity going on and you're probably wondering what they're putting in there?
Westside story
I'll tell you....
Four words - Kauai, Colcacchio, Vida-e, Chuckleberries.
Nice. I wonder if the TBG will be spotted at this new Vida...
Quick favour, could Kauai change their menu whilst they're at it? You've only got two items at the moment - the Princess and the Gem.
Bayside, you're gonna have to raise your game with Colcacchio Pizza moving in. You can start by refusing to hire staff from whatever 50's-diner-timewarp you get them from.
Can't say much about the Jo'burg burger joint, Chuckleberries - so I won't.
All I know is the Caprice renovations and new menu will be finished in the next month and that's MORE than enough for me to get my head around.
The Lawyer raised a good point today and I won't even begin to talk about how enjoyable parking is going to become. I suggest a little Eurojet scooter to get you around during the summer.
Oh, one more thing.....
Who do we have to blow to get an ATM installed down that side?
SA's number 1 online airtime provider discounts ALL airtime [permalink]
Our friends at Big Time Airtime have gone and discounted ALL airtime on their website www.bigtimeairtime.com - INCLUDING TELKOM, MTN, VODACOM AND CELL C.
The country's only website that allows you to buy prepaid airtime vouchers with your credit card has confirmed that this includes all airtime for Vodacom, MTN, Cell C and Telkom. So you pay LESS than the voucher amount!
JB writes:
"I was a runner for a film that Brad Pitt was
starring in. I was told to collect him and co-star
Harrison Ford and take them on set. I open the
door to Pitt's trailer and stick my head in,
calling out 'Mr. Pitt?'. I get about two steps
in and I see Brad Pitt smoking a HUGE joint.
"He asks me if I want to finish the joint with
him and passes it to me, warning me to go
easy as it's strong. 21 year-old me tries to be
cool so sucks down some giant lungfuls.
Four minutes later I can't even move. Brad
eventually asks if I'm OK. I have to say I'm
not. Brad tells me not to worry, to chill
out in the trailer for a while, and that he'll
take my little buggy and collect Harrison Ford.
He'll just say on set that he sent me off to
do an errand for him. It took me about half an
hour before I could even pretend to be normal.
I stagger back to the set. Nobody bats an eyelid."
_______________________________
>> The drifters <<
Otters - all at sea
Ol' Sparky writes:
"I'm in California on vacation. Last week we
went on a whale watching cruise outside
Monterey, CA, when - all of a sudden - we
stumbled upon a group of sea otters, floating
around on their backs in the middle of the
ocean, doing absolutely nothing. All of a
sudden, the deckhand on the boat leans
over to me, and whispers in my ear:
"Sometimes these fuckers fall asleep, and wake
up ten miles off shore. People don't like
to hear that."
_______________________________
>> Goatboy Gold - no 3 <<
The Reverend in Happier Times
Back in summer 1973, a new group did a short
college tour to promote their just about to be
released debut LP. They didn't have enough
songs for an entire set, so they padded it
out (as they all did back then) with a
rock'n'roll cover medley. One of the venues
they played was in Leeds. A young roadie
who worked there was asked by the management
a week or so later what he thought of the
band, as they were interested in booking
them again.
"The one with the poof singer?" says Reverend_
Goatboy. "Didn't rate them." And then Queen
went on to sell 300 million albums.
I'm very impressed with these girls. Two of the original supermodels, Claudia Schiffer (37 this month) and Heidi Klum (34) have both taken their kit off for Vogue and Arena magazines respectively. Good work girls!
Claudia - Not bad, looking down the barrel at 40
Seal wins. You lose.
Claudia was always MY supermodel. In fact, my first car, a Citi Golf Shuttle (the fastest production 1,3 liter on the road at the time) was actually named Claudia.
The dream kind of fell apart a couple years back when my ex-girlfriend ended up working as Claudia's assistant in London. I couldn't quite get my head around it. Claudia was meant to be untouchable. It turned out she was normal.
I'll pretend I'm just hanging with the girls at the moment and that the boys can't hear me when I say that Suri Cruise is turning into simply the most GORGEOUS little child. LOOK at that adorable little thing.
Adorable
What? Did you say the boys were listening? But, I didn't say anything! I was just saying how the Boks have to get that ball out wide. We need to win the ball up-front with the forwards and then feed my back line. Where are my speedsters?
It has been a very long time since I watched an entire sitcom, let alone got INTO a particular show. I'm not talking about following a SERIES like Housewives or Lost which are roughly an hour an episode; I'm talking about the classic 30 minute sitcom. There are usually a few on TV every night but the humour is so cuck I very often stop and try work out who it appeals to. I have to stop thinking when I go too far down the track and start wondering what the meaning of life is. Then I eat a few Calmettes and switch over to the cartoon channel for a another episode of Heidi.
I am happy to report that I have found a stunning 30 minute sitcom which I want you to watch. It is called "30 Rock" and screens on Tuesdays at 19h00 on MNET. It stars Alec Baldwin and if you enjoyed him screaming down the phone to his daughter, you'll LOVE him in this. It is the perfect role for him. If you are yet to understand the genius of Baldwin, read over this little number I wrote some time ago.
Baldwin and others on 30 Rock
So check it out and thank me later. It also features actor Tracy Morgan who is great fun and includes tons of cameos by well known stars including one of our favourite talk show hosts, Conan O'Brien.
It's followed by Ugly Betty, CSI MIAMI and 24, so Tuesdays seem to have turned into a bit of a fuckshow.
As Durban businessman times it just right [permalink]
Now these are the kind of TBG sightings that make me melt! A Durban man who does business all over the country and sometimes the world, has finally timed a trip just right - bumping straight into the nation and world's greatest saviour - The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy)!
Take a listen to what happened when Andrew J finally had his moment in the sun with the great man.
Clearly excited - Andrew J and The TBG
Hi Seth!
It's true what they say, you never think it will happen to you! Well let me tell you now that is what I used to think, but I just want to tell everyone out there that they must never give up hope! One day you too could be granted that moment with The TBG - maybe you could even HANG with him like I did!
Let me give you some background. I'm in sales for a national company with offices in all the major cities of South Africa - I work for the Durban branch. Our industry is global, so as with most big industries, there are international award fairs and competitions every few years. This year it will be in France. My company chose the best of the best, out of all the national sales teams we're busy training for this year's competition in different cities all over South Africa. Last week we were in Cape Town. We always have a good time when the national sales team are together! The company has a great drinking culture so we went for a pint of Guinness at an awesome little Irish pub called Catu. It is where the old Fez used to be. Anyway we had a couple of pints and headed off to dinner at Haiku down the road.
I am only in Cape Town now and then and always thought that the randomness of my visits would count against me when it comes to fluking being at the the right place at the right time. It's like trying to catch a cab at a bad time in London - it gets worse if you move around.
As I walked out the door of the pub I notice a bright white-hot light flash passed me. I kept walking and then just thought to myself.... "hang on.... what the fuck just happened back there?"
"Buggers," I said to my pals. "Just hang on a second." They stopped and turned their heads in the direction I was staring. Everybody's jaws just fell to the floor! We all looked at each other and said, in unison, "OH........MY........FUCK!" Haiku could wait! We all bounded back into the pub and had a drink with The TBG! Not that I did much talking. It's not easy to act 100% normal when you're secretly analysing every move someone makes. I tried to remember little things that he did and said, but all I can remember is just his awesome "vibe." I guess that is what people mean when they talk about his "aura." It was just so amazing meeting him. His hands are so big and he just has this amazing calming atmosphere all around him. It's incredible!
We were all very aware that we had landed with our asses in the butter and the boys organised an urgent group photo with The TBG. Has anyone sent that pic to you yet? Well anyway I was the only guy that managed to get a personal pic of just me and the genius.
Look closely at him in this pic with me. He is just so relaxed and cool.
Thanks for an awesome night TBG! Hope to run into you again on my next trip to Cape Town.
Cheers.
Andrew J
Absolutely AWESOME, Andrew J! I can't believe your luck! I know what you mean about that London cab thing. I also think it is better to wait in one spot. Although I would say that a moment to yourself in The TBG's company is more like hen's teeth than London cabs!
I was about to start this article with far more enthusiasm. That was before I had one of those early morning day-destroying phonecalls. We'll chat more about that another time (the P.A. has been dispatched and should be back shortly from the pharmacy with a fresh batch of Calmettes. If I was at the safe house I would probably go as far as injecting marijuana into my eyeball, following that phone call).
Right, so here we see another intrepid individual who has managed to embrace the very lifestyle to which we strive. At first glance you will be forgiven for thinking that this is a picture of The Surfer. No! Incorrect my dear friend! Whilst the individual below is certainly partaking in the activity from whence The Surfer's name is derived, the individual below is, in fact..... [dramatic pause].......... The Roofer!
The ROOFER, you cry! Indeed, it seems The Roofer can fix roofs (not rooves) AND surf! Whether or not The Surfer can fix roofs is another question altogether and something that we certainly don't have time for this morning.
That's a pretty big wave right there, people. Not bad for a regular Joe on his way to work! Hey brah, let's maximise that incoming swell!
Having the initiative to do a spot of big wave surfing before going to work on a Monday is pretty much what we mean when we say "Work is a sideline, live the holiday." So hats off to The Roofer! OR should I say "beenies" off? Sorry, that is the depth to which my sense of humour has decayed this morning, following my very unfortunate dealing with the aforementioned media company.
Have a good day, people. I'll be back once I've had my pills.
Can we have a quick chat about this please? [permalink]
I was discussing this with G-man the other day. Umm is it just us, or have you also noticed the incredible pre-vomit-like expression that British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown pulls before and after nearly every sentence? His jaw drops..... and then locks, for a split-second as he draws breath..... and then he carries on talking.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
Just about to do the jaw drop.
A better way to describe it would be like those lurches you make before you vomit (a "mock-charge").I couldn't believe it when I first saw it and assumed it was a one-off. Maybe he was tired and having a spate of mini-yawns. Then today I watched a little outdoor press conference held at Camp David with Brown and Bush (I never miss an opportunity to watch Bush speaking live - quality humour) and right there in front of me and the rest of planet Earth, he was pumping out the jaw-drops FLAT OUT! It was SO bad. Surely if it was a habit then they (his advisors and the like) would have trained him not to do it? It can't be good for business. And when you know it's there, it just gets worse. Seriously, you won't be able to watch him speak again.
I simply had to get some footage of it for you and since I found nothing for you on the interestweb, I thought I would record it myshelf and put it on boobtube for you! Why do I do it, you ask? Because my love for you is greater than I can describe. I love you like a son.
Get out of the way!!! Gordon's going to cotch!!!!
And for those of you who for some bizarre reason cannot watch youtube videos, here is a still of Gord's jaw action.
This is just a quick one I found on The Sun's website. It was just before she shaved her hair and was backstage at Club One nightclub in New York with the dancers. Naturally they stripped her down to her jocks and got her to basically brown-eye the camera.
From all accounts, it seems there is a very real fixed minimum number of nights that your chick demands you spend together, with her, in the week. So when you have a girlfriend, you slowly get whipped into adhering to these sleepover rules. Sometimes without even realising it. Next thing you know, you're lying about grandmothers' birthdays just to get a night to yourself.
The sleepover situation is EXACTLY what chicks use to gauge where the relationship is. How many nights a week are we together? That is the all-defining gauge. It is permeated with other finely tuned indicators. For example - how many times are we not having sex during these sleepovers? (at the beginning of the relationship, each number of nights together WITHOUT sex is a stronger and stronger indication that he really loves you and might not be "fucking you around".) And, of course, how many of your personal effects are at his house? Toothbrush? Book? underwear? Shoes? The more personal effects, the more serious the relationship.
I will make him mine...
So back to the sleepover gauge. I would imagine there is a ratio of sleepover time that can be split between the work week and the weekend. You could probably trade one weekend night on your own in return for a full week sleeping over together every night - at her place. If you give her every weekend night for two weeks, then you're allowed two week nights on your own. In a row.
'Cos if you don't do it like that she'll think something is wrong and she will corner you and ask things like, "Where the fuck is this all going? Tell me if I am wasting my fucking time here? 'Cos I'm not going to be your fuck toy!"
Most chicks don't like the idea of you just working on the relationship when you feel like it. That's just not enough stability for our girls. No, no...none of that. They'll go fucking psycho. This is what they mean when you hear guys saying, "Then the chick went fucking psycho!"
So you play along, sneaking in "special" sleep-time on your own whenever you can. You're trying to trick yourself into thinking that there is no routine here and you haven't just woken up in the middle of a "serious relationship," heading dangerously close to "forever."
Next thing you know..... it's been a year...
What the fuck happened there?
She has a whole closet to herself at your house. With numerous outfits in it.
How did THOSE get there?
I know......terrifying..
You see, you went for the wrong angle. You were sleeping. She trapped you with secret messages hidden in her everyday speech. Like subliminal advertising - keeping you oblivious to what is going on. Like when she happens to be with you while you're buying shit for your house and says you should buy a particular fragrance of toilet spray because, she "prefers ocean breeze flavour!"
And there it is! Right there! You don't realise that the moment where you agree that her opinion counts in your home, has just passed. And you didn't even realise! Wake up, chum!
My vibe is different. I'm like......I'll call you. But don't freak me out. Then I'll call you again.
Sometimes I might be pissed. It might be late.
Fucking DEAL WITH IT.
Come for the odd sleepover.
This will continue for some time until you get the call up for the "Sunday Chillout session." Best you be there.
Random sleepovers after bumping into each other in the evenings will continue. Please note that there is NO pattern forming here WHATSOEVER. Don't even try to structure an algorithm that makes sense of it. It is TOTALLY RANDOM. The only routine you could possibly work out, would be the Sundays. That is the ONLY stability here. Either it's one Sunday on, one Sunday off. Or both on. Sometimes maybe a full Sunday, sometimes maybe just an arvee. And SOMETIMES we'll follow through with a spot of Carte Blanche and the 8 o' clock movie and a sleepover.
Don't read too much into a Sunday night sleepover. It's not a big deal. It's just nice to get a blowjob on a Monday morning.
Your big thing to look out for at this juncture would be an invite as a partner to a dinner or an event, like a wedding or a bar mitzvah. You'll probably crack the invite during the first or second coffee date.
You don't have to be a genius to work out that this means I'm cool with the boys getting some face time with you. You get on really well with them and you let me go and play nicely when the whole extended team is out together. Again, we're stressing the MY TIME issue here. We'll work out an angle for you later. But for now, look for c(l)ues..... don't give them.
Next step : make me stuff. Create things for me or buy me stuff. I don't know...... bake a fucking cake....write me a card....whatever. Surprise me with gifts. Again, please be careful here. It's gifts we're looking for. Courier it to me or give it to The P.A. This is not a physical thing. Don't jump out of the fucking microwave at The Safe House or let me find you curled up on my doormat with one of those terrifying skew psycho-wants-to-play smiles. It's gift time. Just gifts. This process will come at a good time and will make me stop for a second and realise that I quite dig you. The only-child thing is probably the cause of this.
You'll get the call up for some more mid-week sleepovers. Sometimes without sex. That's right, you heard me!
Kyk hoe lyk hy nou! Next thing you know, you're doing regular sleepovers!
Now how difficult was that? Notice how there was never a moment when either party discussed where this is going.
Now see how you got what you wanted in the end? Sure, it's more risky for you, as you're never really certain where you stand. Does he love you? Or are you a little whore? Who knows!? You'll just have to see where it ends up. Or get out of there quick. I can't make that decision for you and we're not going to discuss it.
Pre-renovations party on Sunday 29 July [permalink]
They're giving it one last Sunday night blast before closing down for a month due to renovations. Will you be able to miss out your last chance to dance on the bar where it is standing at the moment? No you won't. Everything is changing - bars are moving, walls are being knocked down and, yes, those revolting blue bottle chandeliers are coming down!
As with any successful closing down party, there will only be the sweetest of tunes pumping onto Victoria Road - played by none other than The Personal Jukebox, Sox!
Caprice - pre-renovations closing down party
Sunday 29 July
No model has any excuse to not be gyrating on the Caprice bar counter on Sunday night.
It'll be your standard fuckfest. You'd be a fool to miss it.
Driving like a maniac, over the limit, carrying coke [permalink]
If you're having a bad Wednesday, spare a thought for this little skank.
Official mugshot - average
Yup, mini-Paris really fucked it hard this time. it's only a few weeks ago that she ran away from the scene of an accident and coke was found in her car. Then she checked herself into rehab which she came out of about two weeks ago, celebrating her sobriety, even wearing a special alcohol intake monitor around her ankle. Everything was going well, until last night. She was reported chasing another car, was tested, was over the limit and then the boys in blue found some class-A in her pant.
Whoopsie daisy!
She fucked it royally:
SANTA MONICA – The troubled saga of Lindsay Lohan took another turn Tuesday when police booked her on suspicion of drunken driving and cocaine possession after a frightened woman dialed 911 to report being chased by Lohan's SUV.
Less than two weeks out of rehab, with another drunken-driving case pending, Lohan had a blood-alcohol level of between 0.12 and 0.13 percent when police found her about 1:30 a.m., Sgt. Shane Talbot said. The legal limit for driving in California is 0.08.
Read more HERE and brace yourself for a repeat of the Paris Hilton jail debacle.
In an unprecedented move, we are bringing you a Tuesday Tabs of someone who was on Tuesday Tabs only two weeks before! Whilst we might risk the dangers of monotony, I feel it is well worth it.
I found these pics yesterday. They are so glorious that I simply have to show them to you. We normally only show one Tuesday Tabs pic but, 'fuck it', I thought, so WHAT if we push the envelope on a Tuesday.
It's amazing how quickly they forget. All too eager to please, but forgetting what brought them there in the first place.
It's only a few days after landing the big "One-triple-oh" (1,000 completed pizza deliveries/missions) and you're pumping out a cool five deliveries an hour. Fucking sweet! It's a good evening. Sure, having completed 1,000 "missions" certainly does give you a bit of clout at homebase - you're accepted by the old guard. You've seen some shit....you know your roads and short-cuts. You can puff out your chest a bit, and rip-off the new guys who don't know about Johnny Botha's short cut off Liesbeeck into Obs. But don't get too cock sure of yourself JUST yet, capitano - many a lip in the nip of a tuck caught in the slip.
I was surprised at the speed of the delivery. The doorbell at the Safe House rang a lot sooner than expected so I had to ask the supermodel to go and hide with all the little Cambodian children in the second bedroom - "Daddy has to do some work," I explained.
"Yo," I gave over the intercom.
"And a good evening to you, Sir! This is Butlers Pizza with your order!"
Fuck me, we've got a live one, I thought to myself. I buzzed him in and unlocked the front door before he got there. I didn't want too much face time with this one.
"Pop it in the kitchen," I instructed, looking him over in a millisecond - summing him up before he could say "margherita".
"Yes, Sir, absolutely, thank you, I'll just pop it over there!!" - he was being OVERLY polite. Like REALLY pushing it. Not TRYING to be a cock, but just overcooking it.
He was clean. I wasn't worried about his hygiene. There was something else. No longer able to look directly at him, I was recounting from memory what he looked like, as I dealt with him, in these final stages of the pizza delivery. I gravitated to the bedroom to get the money. I returned with the cheque and placed it is his hand with my eyes to the floor.
"Thanks," I said, grabbing the door handle and pointing to what could only be outside.
He really went for it this time: "Well, thank you very much, Sir. And a very good evening to you," as he seemingly shuffled out sideways, bowing scraping, allowing himself a moment to glance at the cheque.
"And a very most generous of you thank you and a very good evening to you and very generous," he blurted as I closed the door on him vanishing down the Safe House steps.
What the fuck was that about, I thought to myself! What is going through that child's head? I grabbed the invoice to see what I could glean.
"Ronnie on his 1,217th mission" it told me.
I was beginning to piece it together as I opened the pizza box.
Aaah..... everything finally made sense...
Fucked.
Classic case of HSD (High Speed Displacement)
I think I know a little boy who was so confident following the big 1,000, that he drove a bit too fast! Showing off, perhaps? Wanting to leave the Safe House covered in glory? Well I tell you what - I think I know a little boy who should have looked before he leapt!
Well, Ronnie, here's a newsflash: Just because you've driven away from the delivery, it doesn't mean the jobs over! You aren't even close to winning! What if the order is wrong, fuck nut? Hey? What then? A quick tinkle from the client to homebase will land you with a shit sounding DOEF when you make it back there. Then you're REALLY fucking with your stats as you waste your time on the road with a no-earner.
Or, in this case, the pizza was correct, but you blew it anyway! You failed the test. You drove too fast and the pizza has been thrown around. HSD - High Speed Displacement - a rookie error.
Look at it, Ronnie. It's a fuck-show.
Look at it!
Christ.
It's not always about speed and manners, Ronnie.
There's more to it.
'Grace', for example....
For fuck sakes, man..................get over yourself.
