We asked you last week to help out and vote for the Dirty Skirts to win them a place at the MTV Motorola Alert music event in Newtown, Jo'burg on September 16.
Get in your Merc with it's special seat and don't look back [permalink]
I think this is the first time I'm actually mentioning Manto Tshabalala-Msimang's name on this website. The issue of her taking turnips and the rest of the vegetable patch to the AIDS conference overseas was too ridiculous for me to cover. I did a short mention in the 2oceansvibe newsletter (subscribe above, tool) which said:
There has been a blizzard of media interest with regards to our very incapable minister of health, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang (we'll just call her "Manto" from now on I think). The noise has to do with her (our) presentation at the World AIDS conference overseas. Each country had to put forward their various techniques and methods they are investigating and using with regards to handling the AIDS virus in their respective countries. OBVIOUSLY our table consisted of a turnip, some parsley, garlic and sweet potatoes. Naturally she was laughed at and might lose her job. Naturally she claims that people have the wrong end of the stick. I just find it hilarious that she made headlines literally 3 days before the uproar because she had recently taken delivery of a R1million Mercedes Benz which had extras including A SPECIAL SEAT FOR INCREDIBLY SMALL PEOPLE! Those were pretty much the exact words they used in the paper. Hilarious! And then, just as we find out what our health minister's name is (and how short she is), we are bombarded with her ludicrous behaviour overseas. Within two weeks she is now (finally) a household name! Nice one, Manto!
Manto.....?
Oh THERE you are!
And that was that! That was all I said about her. That whole Manto saga happened TWO WEEKS AGO. I mean, you ASSUME she's fired and the next time you'll hear her name will be in a punchline.
But now....two weeks later, I am STILL hearing about SOMEONE ELSE calling for Manto's head. TODAY, Zackie Achmat is APPEALING to his fucking COMRADES to SUPPORT his call for her to RESIGN.
OH MY GOD!
ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL APPEALING?
Are you kidding me?
Is this a joke?
Get the fuck out of here, MANTO!
This is not brain surgery guys.
Please, dear God, can someone get rid of this cow and not let this drag on for any longer. Between SA Rugby and the Adriaan Vlok feet washing machine, I don't think I can handle any more.
As we say goodbye to Seth's current PA who has been exemplary, we wonder if the next chosen one will be able to make the grade.
We're looking for an angel aged 20 - 25, with their own car, who is clearly quite switched on and keen to learn. This entry level job will welcome the applicant into a job that offers something new every day, where you will have the freedom to create new systems and put forward your own suggestions. The experience you'll get from this job will get you into anything after a year or two.
You'll have days when you run your ass off and you'll have days that you're bored - but on the whole it'll be fun. You'll meet all sorts of amazing people, you will get freebies, you will get guest lists at clubs, you will get discounts at shops and you will get lunches at Caprice.
Apart from Seth's own personal mundane activities (including liaising with Mavis and forming a buffer zone between Seth and annoying people), you will be running around getting things done, shopping for gifts, sending flowers, standing by for contractors, writing emails, sending faxes and will be involved in the orchestration of three other exciting companies that form a part of the 2oceansvibe brand.
You have to be particularly bright, confident, presentable and brilliant with people and lying and manipulation. That was a joke.
So get moving and send in a brief one page CV and photograph to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "SETH'S PA"
At first, it looks like a teddy bear
But I'll tell you what... there is more to this stinky little
teddy bear than meets the eye...
What's this? [shriek] His head comes off to reveal a
teddy bear yearning for information. Wanting to learn.
He stores information inside his torso.
His arse in the air keeps the USB flash drive cool.
He does not mess.
They should make them using other bodies, other animals. Or even people. Make one of Adriaan Vlok - wiith his arse sticking out like when he came round today to wash my feet. He's actually very down to earth and a lot shorter in real life.
Celeb club door duel. Hilts wins. Tara Reid loses....badly [permalink]
Yu! This is QUITE a big one.
So Tara Reid recently went to visit Hyde nightclub in Hollywood with a few of her peeps. There are the usual camera flashes as she walks towards the rope at the front door, where she hopes to be able to escape the flashbulbs. Mm mm, I'm afraid that won't be possible, my love. The door guest list guy explains to her that he won't be able to let her in.
Then, as though Satan was constructing the scene himself, Pazza Hilton comes walking towards the door from the other direction, with EVEN MORE CAMERA FLASHES! What are the fucking chances!!!!!!!! You would swear it was a scene from a movie. It is out of control. Needless to say Hilts and her friend waltz through the door and TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT TARA REID AS THEY ENTER THE CLUB. Oh it's just too funny! It's so blind! I just can't cope - I'm finished. Shame, it's quite sad for Tara. They film her as Paris walks in and you can't help but feel her pain. It runs deep - share it with me, Tara.
I keep forgetting that Joblog.co.za exists and am only reminded when I feel a tug at the bottom of my shirt. I look down and notice that a number of my children, my beloved 2oceansvibe readers, are tugging at my shirt and pointing at something that Joblog have said.
"What is wrong my darling?"
"Joblog is saying nasty things about you"
"Who is Joblog?"
"A bunch of white trash wombles living in Johannesburg"
"Don't say such nasty things about people, my angel. That's not nice!"
"But look! Look!"
"Ok, fair enough..."
After enough pushing I eventually gave in to the emails from readers and built up the strength necessary to click over to another local blog site. This is what I was presented with:
Elle Magazine - The Gareth Cliff lookalike special edition
I am directed to the article where the wombles mumble that they are MENTIONED three times ('thrice' would be confusing for some) in the latest LOCAL Elle magazine. It is to that end that they got horribly excited and created a make-pretend mockup of Elle magazine with them on the cover! In the article they mention, "Sadly 2oceansvibe wasn't included in the article, not even once, not so much as a single mention, ah the price of fame".
So the 2oceansvibe readers are bombarding me with requests to stand up and say something. I'm not quite sure I can do better than the picture they have created THEMSELVES - which can only be described as a Gareth Cliff lookalike parade. Surely you can't get funnier than me creating a picture of the wombles on the cover of the local Elle magazine? Shame, they're quite cute. Can somebody please get these guys a round of Savannas.
It's really cute to see them trying so hard. Little mentions in local magazines was great fun when 2oceansvibe started in 2002. When Joblog was created two years later we were more concerned with being quoted correctly in local newspapers and international publications. Not that anyone is competing! I think best blog in the country two years in a row says more than enough. We're thinking of pulling out of the next one, to give the little guy a chance (albeit four of them).
The original Wombles
I did my annual browse through Joblog and am impressed that they managed to muster about 15 articles during the entire month of August. It's not bad, considering they do need four of them to put together a sentence. Articles included a picture of someone stuffing their face with a pizza at a punk rock concert, as well as an incredibly important mention that Ryk Neethling's house had been burgled. But then about five of the 15 articles this month were concerned with moaning about the traffic on the roads. Wow, that makes for very interesting reading indeed. Thanks for that.
No too bothered about traffic here on the Atlantic Seaboard. Right now I'm more concerned about how long my Campari is going to take to arrive.
I'm not going too big today. I'm just going to give you this one nice thing to do. I found this website which has a HUGE selection of celebrities in photographs with fans. It is bloody hysterical. Take for example this one of a very puzzled Andy Garcia.
Kid toasting his success. Andy very puzzled.
Each photograph has a short mention of how the fan met the celeb and what he/she was like in person. Obviously we're not doing this for the likes of Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears as we see pics of them every day. I enjoy it for the OTHER celebs that we don't know much about. For example their are photographs with Liberace, Christopher Walken, Benicio Del Toro, Elvis, Charles Barkley, Keith Richards and loads more. Sometimes the celebs are having a good time, sometimes they're freaked out and sometimes they're just hammered. It's a good laugh either way. Check it out. CLICK HERE FOR CELEBSAFARI.
For those of you that haven't noticed, we have hit a Friday that only dreams are made of. The Atlantic Seaboard is SCREAMING! I am meditating in the safe house at the moment, in lieu of Caprice in a short while. I am personally MURDERING Aguilera's new album and it is making me CRAZY! I think a glass of bubbly is on the cards. It is SHATTERING that a large number of you are still at your desks. I will say this now, and I mean it - I AM thinking of you. It's NOT where you should be. You KNOW where you belong. It looks like this : (With a thousand apologies to our ex-pats in London)
Atlantic Seaboard, Cape Town, South Africa : 13h59, 25 August, 2006
Conditions : Fucking FINE
I was looking for something old school, something jazzy, something different to listen to yesterday afternoon in the safe house. I played an iPod mix I made of Nina Simone, followed by some Aretha Franklin and Dionne Warwick. That was just the mood I was in at the time and I wanted more. I had a suspicion that Christina Aguilera's new album may have what I was looking for.
Fine
I hurtled over to iTunes and bought her new album called 'Back to Basics'. (iTunes doesn't work with SA credit cards, but I have a special arrangement with Mother Dearest). So I bought the album and popped it on the iPod.
Aaaaaah! PERFECT!
EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE.
Honestly, Christina has done well. It is such good timing for the 20's / 30's sound (tweaked) she has created on the album (chicks, you'll ABSOLUTELY love it). It is just what pop music needs right now. That'll explain why it looks like it's going to number one all over the world. In fact, it has. According to this article it has sold 340,000 copies in the first week and is number one on the Billboard 200.
Do yourselves a favour and get it. I tell you what, I'll help you with that.
Wow. Look what we've gone and done. Ignite are re-launching their Saturday night mental evenings. They're calling it the Night of Sexy Funk. Apparently it's going to be are to the eye DICULOUS.
Cover charge is R30 for idiots and FREE TO ALL 2OCEANSVIBE READERS.
I know, I know, I know - give me a fucking break - that's ludicrous.
When you get to the Ignite entrance, tell them that you're on the 2oceansvibe guest list and the rest will take care of itself. And when you do it, don't be pathetic. Say it like you're expecting the bouncer to fall at your feet before you get to "vibe". Don't be scared to hold out your arm for a stamp with your head looking towards the ceiling and your eyes rolled back.
Practice now.
Tilt your head back.....
Seriously......do it.
Tilt your head back...
Roll your eyes back so they're looking at your eye brows..
[ok, I've just realised that you can't read this at the same time. So read it through and THEN do it]
So.....tilt your head back...
Roll your eyes back so they're looking at your eye brows..
Open your mouth slightly like you're incredibly bored...
Hold your left arm out straight, palm facing up...
I normally tap my left foot and whisper, "Christ" under my breath at this point. But that's up to you...
If other people at the Ignite entrance ask if they can use the same list, just tell them that they can try, but people will probably judge them for it.
If you're an idiot, and want to buy tickets, call Renzo on 082 555 9111.
But seriously, there is a 2oceansvibe guest list. Seriously.
As local Cape Town restaurant deals with crazed fans [permalink]
I heard about this about a week or so ago and I've been waiting patiently for someone to send in a TBG sighting from the night. Apparently, the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) went for dinner to Posticino restaurant in Sea Point and, slowly but surely during the course of the night, the word got around that the great man was there. Besides from photographs, autographs and queues to meet the enigma, there was also a point where half the restaurant began chanting, "TBG.......TBG........TBG!". I was quite appalled when I first heard the news as I couldn't imagine the TBG enjoyed it. We know from past reports that he can prove quite testy at times. Judging from this report and photo, it seems he was caught in a good mood! Thank God! These were sent in by Ashli G. I must say, the TBG looks VERY relaxed!
A special moment for the boys
A part of the TBG's soul- captured forever
Apparently the autographed menu is on display in the restaurant next to a menu signed by Tom Cruise - whoever the fuck he is.
Thank you for your patience, TBG. And thank you for your glory and your gift.
In conjunction with our friends, The Dirty Skirts [permalink]
You might remember a little while back when we asked you, our cherished 2oceansvibe readers, to help out and vote for Goldfish on the 5fm charts so that we could get them to number 1. You did, and so did they. It just goes to show that with enough blah blah blah.
Regular readers will know that there is one other band that we support and like to look after - The Dirty Skirts. Jeremy and Dave from the Dirty Skirts have always been good friends of 2oceansvibe from the very beginning. I was having a chat with them the other night and they mentioned something very interesting indeed. This time it has to do with MTV and I told them I was very sure that the 2oceansvibe readers would help out. You know you want too, don't you? For all you get from 2oceansvibe, I'm SURE you feel MORE than obliged to help out with people and groups that we support.
Now listen to this, MTV base and Motorola revealed the nominees for MTV Alert with Motorola, the out-of-this-world live music event taking place at Mary Fitzgerald Square in Newtown, Johannesburg on 16 September 2006 (R60 entry) as part of the City of Johannesburg's 2006 Arts Alive initiative. It's up to the general public to vote in the bands they want to do battle.
Quite simply, we (you) want The Dirty Skirts involved because they're our friends and they're a hot band.
We have also had confirmation that anyone who runs into The Dirty Skirts and tells them they voted for them on 2oceansvibe, will be welcomed into any form of backstage, frontstage, party for the rest of time.
So, without dragging this out too much, this is what we need from you. Do it at least once and then you won't have to feel bad coming back to 2oceansvibe every day and laughing out loud until your fat belly hurts. So:
SMS
Alert DIRTY SKIRTS
to 34700
Thanks team. Let's get this done and dusted, so we can, once again, prove how incredibly amazingly amazing the 2oceansvibe community is.
With MNET screening 'Meet the Fockers' on Sunday night, some of the guys (and girls?) might be wondering what Ben Stiller's wife in the movie, Teri Polo, looks like naked. Some of our old-school readers will remember we featured her Playboy pics in January 2005. Anyway, I browsed through the 2oceansvibe archives and found it for you. Enjoy. Here is the original article:
The girl who was Ben Stiller's wife in the movie Meet the Parents has taken her kit off for Playboy magazine in the US. Thinking back to when I first watched Meet the Parents, I remember turning to my mates and saying I was quite attracted to her. I haven't seen her in a movie since then and I certainly didn't expect to see her in Playboy. She really struck me as the girl next door. Let's hear it for the girl next door!
Let me tell you something - SHE'S DONE VERY WELL. We were overly impressed with the pics. Hats off to your cothes off, my angel!
Obviously we have the pics for you but PLEASE remember these are from Playboy magazine and they won't be very amusing at companies including Old Mutual and KPMG.
I was contacted the other day by someone from a company called 'Rabbit in a Hat'. They told me I was very important and that it was a matter of life and death that I make it to a hotel on Long Street called 'Daddy Long Legs' (I swear I am not making these names up. Before you start mumbling "mushrooms" under your breath). I was told that if I came I would be served alcohol and exotic snacks. They also maintained that there was a young girl there who's dying wish was to touch my flesh. I duly attended. There was no dying girl, but there was an abundance of alcohol and snacks. I asked what the fuck I was doing there and requested that none of their staff look me in the eye.
It seems I had been selected to preview some of the live comedy acts that will be performing at the 2006 International Cape Town Comedy Festival (apparently runs from 3 to 24 September). They had done their homework and understood that people often fall to the floor in hysterics after reading the drivel that pours from my pores. Acutely aware of my high standards, they had a panel lined up to analyse my reactions to the previews - the tester obviously being whether or not I laughed out loud - a rarity. I said I would comply as long as my drink remained full and that, again, no-one looked me directly in the eye. They agreed.
The DVD preview began with an Indian fellow called Sugar Sammy.
I reluctantly pissed myself.
Sugar Sammy was followed by Paul Zerdin - the world's greatest ventriloquist.
Again, I pissed myself. This was getting annoying...
The previews were going on, running from one act to the next, all equally impressive. I was, honestly, quite shocked at the amount of times I laughed out loud. I held it in a few times, not giving them too much.
I browsed over the booklet they gave me about the festival, as the Seth Rotherham Observation Panel high-fived each other at my responses. I scanned over the names of the various acts and found myself pulling my "hmmm......impressive" face (always done in conjunction with a slow nod of the head, like you're thinking about things the rest of the room couldn't comprehend, let alone spell).
I didn't want to expose myself too much and went to the toilet so that I could successfully throw a ninja bomb. (Ninjas in the old ninja films used to disappear after throwing a ball onto the ground - the ball released a cloud of smoke which, once cleared, resulted in the ninja having vanished. The modern day ninja bombs which I use are nothing like this. This is how they work : What you do is you tell someone you have to go to the loo / make a call / go and talk to someone, and then walk directly out the front door and go home. This is "throwing a ninja bomb". The more genuine the excuse, the better. You don't want them to watch where you go. The best is to ask them to hold your drink, and THEN to walk out the front door. The idea is to avoid any fuss and not having to say goodbye to everyone. Yes, it is rude, but they're all pissed and it will be a distant memory in the morning. Don't be shy the next day to throw in the classic, "What do you mean? I was looking for YOU!")
So that was that. I asked one of the handlangers to hold my drink and I walked directly out of the building, to my car, back to the safe house.
So, between you and me, I was genuinely impressed at the lineup of this year's festival and will definitely be going to all of the shows. To watch these kind of quality acts on home turf is a seriously rare opportunity and not to be missed ('home turf' is such a cuck phrase - apologies). They've got various sections to the festival, The Main Arena, The Danger Zone, Queercom, The Very Late Show and Street Comedy. All of them are littered with world famous comedy acts from around the globe.
I'm not going to get into it because I am now QUITE finished. Why don't you trot over to their website www.comedyfestival.co.za and check out times, dates, tickets, acts etc.
It just goes to show that there is more to our favourite little slut than just blow jobs and champagne. Here, whilst giving praise to her new album, she also shows us that she can be sensitive and does have feelings.
At the launch of her new album, simply entitled "Paris", Pazza is quoted as saying, "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."
Shame, my babba...........don't cry!
Come, let's listen to your CD quietly, together. Let's get the video camera and cry together. Let's have a good cry. I haven't had a good cry for AGES. Come let's watch Sea Biscuit and play your album and film ourselves crying. Naked. Cry on me. No, I'll cry on you. Where must I cry on you? On your back? On your tummy? Where must Daddy cry?. Let's cry together and then collapse in a heap and sleep nicely.
Paris at her launch.
She had finished crying by this stage.
America celebrated the annual Teen Choice Awards this week and our boy, Kevin Federline, chose the show to launch his 'eagerly' anticipated single, "Lose Control".
What have you become Britters?
There are a number of things to keep an eye on here, not least of which is Britney cringing when she announces his song. It is quite sad to see how far she has sold her soul for rat-face. There is even a hidden surprise at the beginning of the song when it turns out that the piano player playing the intro is ACTUALLY K-Fed! God, it's so bad! Even funnier is K-Fed hanging around after his song, waiting for the earth to 'big him up' and show him 'sum respec'. But instead the presenters say goodbye to everyone, with K-Fed huffing and puffing in the background.
I thought the word 'appalling' should sum it up correctly. The dictionary definition I found for 'appalling', mentions, "to fill with consternation or dismay". The definition of 'consternation is, "a state of paralysing dismay", and the definition of 'dismay' is, "to cause the loss of enthusiasm".
Thinking back to when I watched the show (whenever it was in the last week), I distinctly remember having a loss of enthusiasm to the point of paralyses - I was clearly 'appalled'!
LOL - Laugh Out Loud
Like the cellphone-speak acronym! Get it?
Living relic and member of Francois Pienaar's WGA Foundation (Won't Go Away), Jeremy Mansfield, is so tired and not for TV, that I simply have to continue watching, purely to laugh at how he and his sidekick (God knows what the garden gnome's name is) literally HACK their way through the show. Are my eyes deceiving me or is Mansfield visibly cringing? Please dear God tell me that he is. Please, I hope he has the pride to at least give us a hint of a cringe - just to show us that he is not entirely sold on the sewerage-fest that is the new season of Laugh Out Loud.
Between running to and from the bathroom, I remember a couple of mind blowing moments. The worst of which HAS to be the pre-organised heckler in the crowd. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? My jaw dropped to floor and lay in the pool of blood which had formed from me hacking at my wrist with a blunt knife during the first five minutes of the show.
They seem to be continuing with the Afrikaans guy with the bad teeth speaking in broken English, blatantly unaware that the concept is a one-off joke that everyone has heard, rather than a feature which is as exciting as watching shit dry.
Besides hidden camera pranks (including the incredibly original 'guy pretending to be asleep on a bench' sketch), we were also witness to the prank pulled on Sharleen Surtie-Richards, during which they made her 'believe' her room was haunted (including cameo by african midget dancing half naked on her bed). I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I immediately checked the safe house for hidden cameras - I thought the joke was on me.
'Laugh Out Loud', Jeremy and the boys should realise that all they have is a candid camera show that would be funnier if left to a bunch of teenagers with a handycam. What are you guys doing? Who is in charge? Who is getting fired? SURELY someone has to?
The sad thing is someone from Laugh Out Loud will read this and think to themselves, "There's no such thing as bad publicity". I hope they are able to distinguish between bad publicity and fucking shocking publicity.
South Africa continues the search for its first genuinely funny live comedy show...
As man who confessed may have been lying [permalink]
If you're looking for a current headline story to get into (if you haven't already), cast your eyes over to the Jonbenet Ramsey story that is unfolding. I have noticed that a lot of people are unfamiliar with the unsolved kidnapping and murder of six-year-old beauty queen, Jonbenet Ramsey, 10 years ago. I remember being intrigued by the story at the time, as the US press were constantly pointing fingers at her parents - claiming they may have been involved. The mere nature of these child beauty pageants immediately brands the families as being a little bit 'cooked'. I didn't mind the angle they were going with the parents as they looked a little odd to me.
Jonbenet Ramsey
But now, John Mark Karr has, out of the blue, confessed to kidnapping and murdering Jonbenet. Arrested this week in Bangkok, we were presented with pictures of the paedophile. Karr claims he was in love with her (the six year old girl) and has even written poems and love letters to her. The guy is clearly fucked in the head.
John Mark Karr - Has a very good paedophile 'look'
Nice guy, hey? He definitely has all of the paedophile trademarks - weird neck, weird head shape and weird trouser wearing practices. But it doesn't stop there. Things have got particularly spicy. Enjoy this, his ex-wife has come forward and said that he couldn't have killed Jonbenet, because he was with her (the ex-wife) at the time. Secondly, this clown claims he drugged Jonbenet and raped her. The autopsy has shown no traces of drugs in her body nor any semen on her body or clothes. (either/or, neither/nor - you know the rules).
Oh, and to spice things up a little bit further, after waiting for 10 years to find the killer, her mother died 6 weeks ago of ovarian cancer.
So as you can see things are getting a little bit spicy - so you might want to tune in to the case. It's on CNN virtually all day long. Freakshow landed in the US this morning and they're about to do a DNA test with some DNA they found under the girl's finger nails. If it doesn't match then we have a bona fide fruit cake on our hands. Brilliant!
