Pavlov's dogs learnt faster than this guy [permalink]
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Kate Moss' ex boyfriend, Babyshambles frontman, Pete Doherty, is in the dwang again. He has been let off so many times for drug use and possession, the last of which was less than two weeks ago (just under a 'fortnight', some might say). But now he has gone and ballsed it up again - chronically.
You will remember that the UK tabloid, The Daily Mirror, exposed Kate Moss shnarfing on video a couple of months ago. Well, as part of the ongoing tabloid war (which finds the various publication in a constant hunt for the most outrageous sensational story), The Sun newspaper has gone to the same level, this time with a stunning photo of Pete Doherty injecting a passed-out fan of his on his kitchen floor. I think it's fair to say that he is not injecting antibiotics because of an illness, but more than likely an illegal substance of sorts. I'll take a shot in the dark and say that it is probably heroine. Heroine is illegal. Pete has done a very bad thing.
That's bad, Pete.
Naturally the police arrested him on Saturday for questioning.
I will remind you that this is the guy who Elton John said was one of the world's most talented musicians today.
A lavish affair which needs your support [permalink]
While 2oceansvibe is certainly not a breeding ground for charity sponsorship, we do come forward now and then to ask for your support for something that we decide has a 2oceansvibe element and goes towards a worthy cause. The last one was quite some time ago and we were very impressed with the contribution by the 2oceansvibe readers.
Now, allow me to tell you a little story. As most of you know, I go on the annual 'Strengthening Ties Tour' to London and New York in July. You might remember that last year, and everytime I go to London, my affairs are taken care of by Harry - often referred to has the "H-man" in my articles. Harry's list of tasks during my London stay includes the Merc S-class pickup at the airport, a car and driver during my stay, as well as restaurant bookings and guest lists and tables at the likes of Bouji's nightclub. He also manages to maintain a continuous entourage of angels around us at all times.
Harry got in touch with me recently to tell me about quite a big event in London. It is a fundraising boxing event featuring various London socialite's and royals called The Boodles Boxing Ball. Held at the lavish Royal Lancaster Hotel in London, contestants even include female Royals! Here is one of the articles featured in various UK papers.
Now keep focused. Our boy is referred to as "Harry 'Hit Man Hazza' Simpson" and he is fighting against Steve Wood - club promoter extraordinaire. You need to appreciate that Harry is about 6 foot 7 and weighs WELL into the triple figures. That said, he is by no means a brawler of any sort. Harry has been training like a mad man over the last few months and will certainly get a bit of a pounding from the more agile Mr. Wood.
Let me introduce you to the H-man.
Harry in his preferred environment
On board the Sunseeker Predator pleasure craft.
Come June 3, Harry will be swapping his Gucci loafers for a pair of boxing gloves, all in the name of charity. Harry is a big giver and I have told him I would ask the 2oceansvibe readers to join him in a drive for donations to the "SOS Children's Charity". Harry has trained for months and will endure a pounding in return for us giving a little.
Here is a bit of background on the charity:
SOS Children’s Villages is a Worldwide registered charity that looks after over 50,000 orphans in total and have seven (soon to be eight) Villages in South Africa. Their vision is that every child in their care should belong to a family group and grow up with love, respect and security. Their mission is to build families for children in need and help them shape their own futures and share in the development of communities.
The Villages in Epping and Durbanville consist of several bungalows, each being home to about 10 orphans. They are looked after by a House mother who has been fully trained and the orphans look on her as Mother and the other children in the bungalow as their brothers and sisters. One House Mother was especially proud the day we met her as one of her orphans who she had looked after since the age of five had just qualified from the University of Cape Town with a Bachelor of Economics degree!
The village includes a dental clinis which adds to the ongoing expenses needed to keep these clinics going. So that is where we are, team. And that is what we need YOUR help with. We don't ask you to come forward very often and trust that, in the 2oceansvibe spirit, you will give generously. Here are the bank accounts in South Africa and the UK.
SOUTH AFRICA "Harry Simpson Boxing Charities"
First National Bank
Bank Code 204009 Account number 6210438176 SWIFT code: FIRNZAJJ
UNITED KINGDOM UK "Harry AD Simpson"
Barclays Bank South Kensington
Sort code 20 80 14
Account number 60171603
Please use the reference "BOXING CHARITY" when donating money. Thanks a million, team, something good will happen to you once you've done that. Trust me.
There aren't too many people who can say that they 'can't stand' Jack Nicholson. I can only imagine they would be saying it because the man is so loved. They're saying it to be difficult. They're saying it because they're jealous. They will clearly have a problem with the man's coolness. They'll have a problem with the confident slow drawl he has when he talks. They'll have a problem with his hysterical, evil, mischievous smile. They'll have a problem with the fact that he goes out with supermodels half his age. But most of all, they'll probably be pissed off because he wears his sunglasses all the time - indoors, outdoors, day and night (except, ironically, on the cover of his biography!). Don't be angry with Jack for wearing shades the whole time, he has his reasons.
A friend of mine, Graham John Murray, told me a first hand story about Jack Nicholson from a friend of his in London. Precise details aside, the friend was working in a bar and Jack Nicholson was having a drink at the other end of the room. The barman found a moment to approach Jack and introduced himself, explaining that he was a big fan. Jack obligingly smiled and shook his hand.
Before leaving the cheshire cat's table, the barman said to him, "Excuse me Mr Nicholson, I don't mean to be rude, but I simply have to ask.....why do you always have your sunglasses on"?
To which Jack Nicholson replied (in a near identical tone to his "Here's Johnny" line from the movie 'The Shining'), he loudly replied:
"BECAUSE I'M A MOVIE STAR!"
Absolutely fucking hilarious! Stories like that were enough for me to buy the release of his biography entitled 'Wild'. If you're into biographies at all or if you're even remotely intrigued by Jack Nicholson, do yourself a favour and get this book.
In the first six pages I learnt that he was raised thinking his mother was his sister and his grandmother was his mother. He only found out when he was 32! That's pretty radical!
Having never met or known his father, Nicholson got a call in the mid 90's from a guy who claimed that he shagged Nicholson's mother about nine months before Nicholson was born (on the side of the road, no less) and that he was therefore his father. Jack thanked him for the call and informed the guy that it was too late for him to form any bond or friendship and he wouldn't be taking the relationship any further. Before ending the call and continuing with their separate lives, Nicholson felt it necessary to check that his father was alright - in that he could help him out should he "need anything" (assuming financial aid was probably the reason for the call), to which the father replied....... wait for it:
"No, I'm your father, you call me if you need anything"
Whaaaah! How hysterical is that! The guy must have been his father to come up with a pearler like that!
Anyway, that's enough. I've made it easy for you and put links below to buy the book in South Africa, the UK and USA. Enjoy.
One of the funnier things you will see [permalink]
It's sad and it's funny - but it's mostly funny, in a nice way. Most of you won't understand what is being said as the video is in a foreign dialect, but let me fill you in before you watch this video. It is a chat show where a man is being interviewed about the fact that his testicles were removed by mistake during a medical operation. Obviously the theme of the show would be something to do with "How could this happen?". Unfortunately our boy who lost his balletjies is now sporting a particularly high-pitched voice. The interviewer starts off the interview with a somber tone, but can't hold back his laughter at the guy's high-pitched voice. Try hold back the tears.
They don't waste time in the States. With the birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter, Suri, some people have apparently moved at the speed of light to make a quick dollar.
Please enjoy http://freesuri.com where you can buy all sorts of FREE SURI paraphernalia. Including this T-shirt.
Porters (I've claimed her) featured on Saturday Night Live recently, where they played a gangster rap video she had made. It's pretty damn good and makes me want her even more. Nice to see her hair is growing back. I would like to make a rap video with Nats. I could call her 'boo' and she could call me 'daddy', and shit like that.
Natalie Portman is so versatile I want to gobble her up
Anyway, the video is pretty damn good. Check it out.
I've wanted to write something about the recent murders of Brett Goldin and Richard Bloom since I read the article, with my jaw on the floor, on Monday. But I didn't quite know what to say. I still don't quite know what to say. I don't even have to think about it to know for a fact that these two guys shared a number of mutual friends with me - such is the terror of the crime being so very close to home.
It's a confusing state we're in. When I say 'we', I'm referring to the people my age who I interact with from day to day. There is a lot of shaking of heads and a lot of frowning going on. It's close to home for all of us. It's bullshit. It's not how it's meant to be. There are a lot of questions to be asked and a lot of answers desperately needed - a lot of which we will never find. The Crazy Monkey humour is right up the street from 2oceansvibe and it really confused me knowing that someone who had made me laugh out loud (a rarity) was no longer around.
Brett Goldin
My favourite Crazy Monkey sketch on MTV was the one where Brett is woken up from his sleep and he complains that it is dangerous to wake someone up from a deep sleep as they could die. I wish to God that that had been the case, instead of the way it went down. I am too scared to try and visualise and feel what the two of them went through, leading up to their death. It is too horrifying. The humiliation they must have endured at the hands of those evil, drugged up, inhumane, pathetic, dirty, revolting, mindless, repulsive, disgusting excuses for human beings, is simply too much to comprehend. It makes me very very sad.
To the friends and families of Brett Goldin and Richard Bloom, 2oceansvibe and it's friends and readers are thinking of you constantly. Our heartfelt condolences.
My friends and I play a very annoying game which has to do with "claiming" people and things. It's all about being the first person in the group to basically cause a scene about a certain person, place or thing. I'll give you an example:
Friend 3: "Oh Please! Don't get fucking smart, I claimed her in The Professional when she was 13. Please don't get clever. I've claimed her! Find someone else"
Honestly, the whole claiming thing can get quite ugly. For the record, I did actually claim Natalie Portman when she played Matilda in 'The Professional' (which also used the title 'Leon' overseas). Some people get desperate and lie about when they FIRST saw the person (an essential element in claiming someone). Sometimes it works, but it usually doesn't. So when other people starting oooing and aaahing about Natalie Portman, I'm allowed to proudly claim, "Yup, I claimed her years ago". Friends should acknowledge this fact and should almost congratulate me.
People can also claim places. That will therefore make you the authority on a particular area. Some of them are obvious claims and there won't be any fighting. For example, I claimed Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard in the United States. No one can dispute that, as I have been several times and only a handful of my friends have. Whenever Cape Cod or Martha's Vineyard comes up in conversation, I'm the guy.
The real joy comes when something that is very obviously your claim, is mentioned on TV or any other media form. The others in the vicinity who are aware that the particular place (being mentioned on TV) is one of your claims, should simply nod and smile at you. You give them a satisfied smile and nod back. That is a successful claim - no disputes - a rare occurrence. There are usually arguments, particularly with famous women.
I have a semi-delusional friend who is currently laying claim to the following areas: Simonstown, Fish Hoek, Kommetjie, Scarborough, Noordhoek, Woodstock AND Harfield Village. Clearly getting carried away. A classic sign of getting carried away is when you grow up in a certain area and assume that you can therefore lay claim to all surrounding areas. That's just not how it works. The SAME friend also claims the following rugby sides: Scotland, Ireland, Wales and New Zealand. He'll claim heritage in the form of something that none of his friends can prove - like a dead Grandfather. It is unfortunate, because now no-one believes any of his claims anymore.
Back to the point of this article. ADRIANA LIMA.
Adriana Lima - Can you cope?
I know. Mind blowing. I claimed Adriana Lima MANY MANY years ago. Adriana Lima is now a Victoria's Secret and swimsuit supermodel. She is something to behold. The extent of her exposure when I claimed her was a mere mention NOW AND THEN on Fashion TV. I claimed her then - at LEAST 5 years ago when I lived in London. Now, I see my little angel is on the latest cover of the American GQ. She's now hitting major headlines and I fear that there are guys out there trying to claim her. Leave it, guys. I claimed her before you even knew she existed.
And so, because I am aware of what a fantastic claim I have, I am allowing all of you to lose your minds over one of God's greatest creations. But please, keep in mind, I've claimed her.
L Ron Hubbard's lovechild is presented to the world [permalink]
It seems that Brooke Shiled's baby was delivered literally hours before Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter. I have no doubt that Tom slapped Katie in the face for losing his secret race. Both babies weighed 7 pounds and both measured in at 20 inches. Brooke wins, Tom. You lose. Give it up, Cole Trickle.
Obviously it would be a baby girl. Katie's female genes, combined with Tom's gay alien genes can only produce something resembling a female.
And so it begins. It is going to turn into such a muff show now. We will wait for the first glimpse of the child - hoping the alien rumours are true and that the baby is covered in scales and speaks 12 languages. Or should we rather take this as a signal and quickly put on our white Nike shoes and wait for the mothership to fetch us?
So they named the little tyke 'Suri', which, as I am sure you all know, is Persian for "child demon". No seriously, it means "red rose". Good one, Tom! Notice how I am always addressing Tom and not Katie. This is for the simple reason that she has been brainwashed to the point of no return. Please see the following pic of her buying shoes last week.
Obeying orders, as usual. Petrified.
So there you can see that Katie doesn't really exist. I wish that Pacey would storm the Cruise compound and make love to Katie. I wish he could look her in the eyes and say, "Joey, it's me. It's Pacey. And I love you God Damnit!"
It would work. But Tom would never let that happen. Not on his shift.
Now I think those of you who have been involved in this online soap opera since the beginning will know that 2oceansvibe has supported local band, Goldfish, since their humble beginnings. Similar to Angelina Jolie, Goldfish is basically like our very own Cambodian orphan that we adopted. When I write articles about them, it feels to me like I am breastfeeding. When I see 2oceansvibe mentioned on the album sleeve of their debut CD, it is like watching my child graduate from school. When I saw them with Fatboy Slim it was like their graduation from university.
Like the actual fish. But ever so slightly magical.
Well, my friends, our gorgeous little orphan is entering the big bad world! That's right! Goldfish are now featuring on 5fm's Hi 5 at 5.
For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a chart show with over 25 different songs which are voted for by the general public on 5fm. Only 5 of those 25 are South African and only one is from Cape Town. Yes, Goldfish is the ONLY one from Cape Town and one of only 5 in South Africa. Tears to my eyes. Tears, I said.
The song, "All Night" is track 15 on their debut album "Caught in the loop" and is an eclectic fusion of. I'm joking, I swore never to use the words 'eclectic' and 'fusion'.
"What is that restaurant like"
"It's an eclectic fusion of various Eastern foods"
"Oh, right. WOW! Look at that helicopter over there!"
[Karate chop to the throat]
Sorry about that. So basically we're going to really punish it and vote for Goldfish. They recently jumped to number 12 from 24 and we're going to get them to number one. So all you have to do is the following. Do this now:
Start a new sms on your phone
Why aren't you doing it?
I'll try that again.
Start a new sms on your phone
Type in the following: hi 5 goldfish all night
Click 'send'
Send it to the number: 33345
In return, you are now able to download the actual song that I stole off their CD. Click HERE to download the song 'All Night'. If you do that without voting, it's not cool.
Just in case you missed the GQ article in this month's.....yup...you guessed it.....this month's GQ magazine, Tom Cruise said he would be looking forward to eating the placenta after the birth of his and Katie Holmes' alien. I am NOT joking!
Tom said,"I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there".
"Ok, let's go let's go! I got one placenta with a side order of umbilical cord. Let's MOVE, COME ON!!!"
I didn't even want to write this story as it sounds like one of those tabloid stories that simply aren't true. Alas, anything is possible in Freak World.
Baby Cruise alien, sans placenta and umbilical cord
Here are some shots that you can click to enlarge (if you MUST go bigger) of Christina Aguilera at a recent Maxim event. I don't remember her having such a large cup size. And they seem incredibly firm. Powerful, some might say.
Seth fingers Joost as one of the Supersport idiots
16 April, 2006
JUDGE WANKS OVER RODRIGUES
Cop takes Rodrigues from behind, whilst... [permalink]
Apologies for my potty-mouthed headline, but I'm sure you see the point I'm trying to make. The above is the pic of the front page main headline of the Cape Times newspaper sometime this week. Are you with me? The MAIN big headline of the entire newspaper.
Now I know what it means to finger someone, but I think we know that it brings about laughter every time it is used. To identify someone or to point someone out can NO LONGER use the word "finger". It just can't be done. I am very sure there are people out there who think it is perfectly normal and makes perfect sense, which it does, but why risk it?
If you don't know what I am talking about then please jog on, because you're obviously incredibly out of touch.
Did the person who wrote that article HONESTLY not think for ONE SECOND that people reading it would point out the humour of the headline's sexual ambiguity? I am obviously referring to the possibility of the headline referring to the writing expert using one of his digits (or two) to penetrate Dina Rodrigues. Now that sounds revolting, but I swear to God nearly everyone I spoke to found the headline hilarious for that very reason. They knew what the headline meant, but they took great joy in what it could have ALSO meant.
Now, if you ask me, I would say that a serious newspaper like the Cape Times would prefer to not risk such an ambiguous headline - especially on the front page. Don't you agree? I mean SURELY they want to keep the reader on the ball? I mean SURELY they can't be trying to trick readers into buying the paper with the hope of finding revelations of sexual relations between the writing expert and Dina Rodrigues? I don't get it. Really, why do you risk that? It's beyond me.
The other thing it might be is a joker working at the Cape Times who is getting a kick out of being able to use a reference to a sexual act on the front page, and get away with it. That's what I would do. I'd do it for my mates. Every article I write would use the word "finger".
"TWO MEN ARRESTED IN DRUG BUST"
becomes...
"COPS FINGER DRUG LORDS BEFORE ARRESTING THEM"
HILARIOUS !!!!
When Zuma makes reference to the rape accuser, why don't they push it and make a headline mentioning Zuma fingering the accuser? Ohhhhh, you can't really do it there? Why not? Oh because the case is littered with sexual references? Oh so people would think the headline was referring to something else? ZUMA FINGERS RAPE ACCUSER IN COURT. Is my point coming across now? People think of sex all the time, irrespective of the forum.
It is probably a journalist who has recently heard the word being used in a serious manner and was quite impressed with it and wanted to show how smart he/she is. Well, clap fucking clap, that is very clever of you. But there is no need whatsoever to solicit articles like this one I am writing now, talking about people penetrating by means of their digits. It's vulgar and it's your fault.
"WRITING EXPERT IDENTIFIES RODRIGUES" is perfectly fine.
Or, if you INSIST on spicing up your headline, how about "WRITING EXPERT NAILS RODRIGUES".
But you couldn't do that, because then I would start moaning about visions of the writing expert taking Rodrigues from behind in the docks.
Seth fingers Joost as one of the Supersport idiots
13 April, 2006
ROBBIE WILLIAMS QUEUE VIDEO
People slept over at the stadium for the Cape Town concert [permalink]
Shame, some people slept over at Green Point stadium last night before tonight's Robbie Williams concert at Green Point stadium in Cape Town. Our camera crew stopped by the stadium to get some footage of these people who sleep over at concerts, as well as some little angels.
Little Angels
So there you have it. People really do sleep over outside stadiums for concerts. It's a very real thing and it's happening every day around the world. We cannot put a stop to it. We must just let them carry on. Don't let it bother you.
This morning's article on News24 provides me with further boredom regarding drug mules who get caught smuggling drugs in and out of various countries (usually countries renowned for executing people for chewing chewing gum).
Johan van Wyk (clearly a local) finds himself enjoying the comforts of a jail in Mauritius, and will continue to do so for another six years. Johan was caught smuggling half a kilo of heroin into Mauritius.
Please enjoy what our boy had to say:
Van Wyk did a friend "a favour" on August 21 2003.
He was not told what the favour would involve, he just had to get there.
His mother, Hannetjie Lombaard of Cape Town, said on Wednesday that the friend met Van Wyk at a shopping centre in Cape Town and gave him a pair of new jeans, a T-shirt and a pair of running shoes he had to wear in order for "the guys in Mauritius to recognise you".
Police met Van Wyk at the airport in Mauritius.
Lombaard said: "They went with him to a hotel, where they searched his baggage. "They cut up his soap, his jeans, and eventually his running shoes. They found 480g of heroin hidden in the soles."
Only then did he realise that he had been used as a drug mule.
That is such bad luck. I would honestly feel really sorry for him, if it wasn't for the fact that his story is the BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD. "Only then did he realise he had been used as a drug mule". Whaaaaaah! Nothing short of hilarious!
"Hi Ant, it's Seth here!"
"Hey Seth!"
"Listen buddy, can you do me a favour?"
"Sure! Anything for you Seth! What is the favour."
"Well, the thing is, I can't tell you."
"Ok, that's absolutely fine. So what must I do."
"I'll meet you at Constantia Village shopping centre and I'll give you some clothes and shoes that you must wear so some people can recognise you."
"Fuck that sounds awesome! Where are the people?"
"In Mauritius. I need you to go there and I can't tell you why. But you must meet these people. And you must wear the clothes and shoes."
"That will be no problem whatsoever, Seth!"
That is basically what hairdresser Johan and his mother, Hannetjie, are trying to tell us happened. NO ONE BELIEVES YOU JOHANN!!!!
"No but it is real..."
"Shut your face, Hannetjie, you're only making this worse. Your son is a fucking liar!"
"No but his friend was lying to him!"
"Hannetjie, if you say another word I'm going to have to stuff a snooker ball in your mouth."
"No but..."
[snooker ball forced in mouth]
"mmm mmm mmm mm"
"That's better, Hannetjie".
Seriously though, I have been discussing this with friends a lot lately. Having recently been in Australia there was a lot of coverage regarding the Bali 9 or the Singapore 7 - I can't keep track of which is which. All I know is I get an overwhelming sense of boredom when I turn the page and see another article about people getting nailed for running drugs. Photos of them behind bars, crying and gaaning aan. Their parents appealing for these 'drug barons' to be taken down. "My son is innocent!". They get petitions together and even get the government involved, trying to get their children back.
Your kids are drug runners, my love. They fucked up and now they are being punished. I don't care what the circumstances were and how he was used. You can put me in EXACTLY the same position and I swear to God there will be a point where I will realise what I am getting into and will get out before I get too deep.
"But he was a scapegoat"
Who took that snooker ball out of Hannetjie's mouth?
It's like those guys who get paid a fortune to work in Iraq and when they get killed their family go absolutely mental. He was being paid danger-pay you idiot. BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING DANGEROUS IN IRAQ.
The world's most sexually active pensioner had what must have been an orgasmic 80th birthday recently. Our favourite little tart was on hand at the party to sing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. People who hate Paris Hilton will freak out when they watch this. I don't allow myself to get worked up like that. We should just let Hilts get on with it.
We obviously managed to get hold of the video for you.
Hilts. It's been a while.
Now I know what you're thinking.... where is the effing video? Don't fret my sweet - HERE IT IS
In June last year I did an article about French LCI News anchorwoman, Melissa Theuriau. She is incredibly hot as you may well agree.
That is EXACTLY my look
I have great joy in presenting you with some pics I managed to get hold of. Beach pics. NSFW pics.
It is always a great fear of mine that the package underneath the clothes might be an utter let down. Sometimes you actually don't want to see the results - take Tara Reid for example. Anyway, I am happy to report that Melissa has not let the team down in any way whatsoever. She is absolutely glorious. If I may (click pics for full image ):
Melissa wonders if she should grab me a sandwich
before returning to our deck chairs
She decides I would probably want chicken and bacon
She notices a Woolworths across the road
Well I hope you enjoyed those as much as I enjoyed giving them to you. I think even the girls out there will be quite happy with that beautiful display of human flesh.
I wish I had the time to really get into Eva Longoria. I would give it a full go. I'd have a folder on my desktop with pics and videos of her. I'd have a screensaver of her. I would pound you with articles about her and probably even try and stalk her. But I can't. With all the effort I put into the likes of Britters and Hilts, there is not much strength left in me. So only now and then will I give her a mention - just a nod - at the very least.
I downloaded Google Earth the other day. For those of you who don't know, Google have released a piece of software called, yes you guessed it, Google Earth. The software allows you to look at the globe and spin it and zoom in to anywhere you want. It is made up from satellite images taken either very recently or, depending on the availability, some years ago. It's very impressive stuff.
Even more impressive are Maxim magazine who have found a section of desert in Las Vegas where they have created a monster size copy of their magazine cover featuring Eva Longoria. God knows what it's made of.
A new backpage article tells us that one of the 1995 World Cup Rugby players who won't go away, Joost van der Westhuizen, is used to being insulted. How very unfortunate, my love. The article goes:
"The former rugby icon was referring to an incident last week in the NuBar nightclub in Stellenbosch, where a man apparently called him a d**s and showed him a middle-finger sign.
The very unfortunate 'Joost'
I must be honest, I jumped right into this article when I saw the headline, looking for one thing - what exactly they called him. I was over the moon when the newspaper's cryptic clue gave us two of the four letters (d**s), thus confirming that the offender had indeed called Joost a 'doos'. For our foreign readers, the Afrikaans word "doos" refers to the female genitalia ('doos' is pronounced similar to the name "Lewis"). So basically they called him a cu*t, which is fair enough. He is.
The reason I got so excited about the article is it took me back to the mid-90's when my student mates and I were punishing our bodies with alcohol at "Cactus Jacks" bar in Rondebosch (ex Hard Rock Cafe for the very old guard who are reading this). Someone pointed out that Joost van der Westhuizen had just walked in. We were seated at a slightly raised position and could see the weird looking scrum-half very clearly. I remember putting two and two together and shouting out "DOOS" in his direction, much to the joy of the drunk students close by. Obviously it worked a treat. He turned and looked in our direction, thinking someone had called out his name. He couldn't work out who it was - all he could see was a bunch of youngsters laughing and giving each other high fives.
It is quite unfortunate that his name sounds like a vagina. But let's be honest, he doesn't do himself any favours by continuing to invade our lives over a decade later. Joining the team on TV sports show 'Supersport' and thus joining the weekly '95 World Cup wankfest', didn't help things either.
This article is generally pointing towards the INCREDIBLY odd looking parcel under Katie's shirt that is meant to look like a tummy. Look, I'm not going to say it's fake because then I will feel like a tool when the baby is born. But I will say that the Scientology mothership has made a fuck up and are using Katie Holmes to breed an alien buffalo, instead of just a standard alien with Tom Cruise looks. They obviously got their decades mixed up and didn't realise the wildlife are only meant to be produced after they take over the world. Get your white Nikes ready for the mothership, people!
Internet dating - a possible investigation coming up soon. Stay tuned.
9 April, 2006 - 30,000 feet in the air - 08h00 GMT
BROADCASTING FROM AN AIRPLANE
Similar to Airforce One, I think you could say [permalink]
2oceansvibe would like to lay claim to being the first South African website (if not the world? (or am I pushing it?)) to film and upload a video to a website during a flight on a commercial airline. This time I thought I would give you some visuals. A couple of stills and some videos. All taken and added to the website from a Boeing 30,000 feet above the sea somewhere between Australia and Singapore. Surely that deserves a round of applause?
The lunacy of Zuma, now available at 30,000 feet.
One of the wings which help the plane fly in the air
And now for a ground breaking video. All filmed and uploaded onto the interweb whilst flying.
Here we pan from a clip from the movie Syriana
over Seth's actual laptop, over some heads and out the window
Please refrain from telling me that I could have uploaded this article after I wrote it. I have naturally taken all necessary steps regarding filing log records of this momentus occasion for South Africa and all mankind.
I expect nothing less than a ticker tape parade upon my arrival in Cape Town on Monday. Surely this is bigger than Tsotsi?
Finally, the Wright Brother's invention has become useful.
8 April, 2006
LITTLE TARTS FIND FAME
As men find their fantasies played out [permalink]
Unfortunately the interweb has got fast enough for videos to be loaded up and played almost seamlessly. With websites like Youtube and Google video, it is now even easier for the classic fame-obsessed 17 year old girl to rustle up a bit of a fan club. With a click here and a click there, these little angels are now able to film themselves dancing semi-naked in the comfort of their bedrooms and are able to broadcast these events to the world.
Furthermore, it is now even easier for the classic 17-year-old-dancing-in-their-bedrooms obsessed 25-65 year old male to rustle up a bit of a video of little angels dancing semi-naked in the comfort of their bedrooms.
Take this naughty little tart for example.
Mischief
With some of her homemade videos being viewed up to 200,000 times, the above pic is a still from her video she recorded to personally thank her fans! Hysterical!
Her first video, like most of them, is a video of her wearing hardly anything, shaking her cute little ass next to her cute little bed in her cute little room.
If only parents knew what happens
when kids get 'sent to their room'.
We're not saying that its right or fair, but we're certainly willing to give you the option. We've managed to get our hands on a golden circle ticket for the April 13 Robbie Williams concert from someone who desperately wants to watch Robbie Williams. Unfortunately money can take over all sense of right and wrong (see what R10,000 managed to get Dina Rodrigues) and we have been given the ticket to whoever can come up with R5,000. I know, it's ridiculous. But sometimes it's worth it!
Robbie Williams Golden Circle ticket for R5,000
Willy Wonka would be impressed
That's right, folks! R5,000 will allow you to take this ticket off the hands of the 2oceansvibe reader who has carefully chosen a price that outweighs their desire to see Robbie up close.
If you are interested, please email editor@2oceansvibe.com and we can arrange delivery. We have facilities for credit card payments. Seriously.
Our dear ex-vice-president who STILL WANTS TO BECOME PRESIDENT, has finally given in and admitted that, although we might think he is Superman due to his relaxed attitude towards pumping lesbians with AIDS bareback and ejaculating inside them, he does ACTUALLY have a technique to get rid of any possible infection.
..he has a shower afterwards
And to think of the money the world has wasted on AIDS prevention, awareness programs and education - LET ALONE THOSE PESKY CONDOMS!! God, what a WASTE! Now, finally, we can feel what it's like to have sex with an HIV positive hooker, BAREBACK! Just get into that shower afterwards, buster!
Jay Z belts out a verse of 'We are the World"
Is this all really happening? Jail or not, will he leave us alone after this? Or is he from the Pienaar/Stransky/Wiese/Joost school that teaches people how to NEVER get out of your face?
REMEMBER: It is fine to ejaculate bareback inside a lesbian with AIDS.
7 April, 2006
CLAY AIKEN HEEDS ZUMA'S ADVICE
As man comes forward claiming to have had sex with the pop princess [permalink]
It seems Jacob Zuma's advice has reached foreign shores. Clay Aiken also seems to subscribe to sex without a condom - a la Zuma.
Whilst he has been trying to convince the world that he is straight, a gay guy has come forward and has claimed to have been punished from behind by the ginger tyke - and he has the DNA to prove it.
The guy, John Paulus, has a blog website that you must see which goes into very convincing, hilarious (for some) graphic detail about how the little pop freak lured him to a hotel and proceeded to violate him, ignoring his insistence on using a condom.
The Zuma NCR (No Condom Required) technique spreads....
FACT: John Paulus might make a porn video re-enacting what happened.
Please don't.
It's fine if you're gay, Clay. Don't be scared my little poppit!
Just when I'm getting bored about writing about Jay Z, I get spoon fed another little pearler. If I may:
"When she came to me in a skirt after those talks I referred to earlier on, well, it told me something"......(wait for it)...... "I realised, well, there is something she is after, because of these things. Maybe she is trying to send a certain message to me by these actions"
so he fucked her..
Marijuana is a funny thing. It does different things to different people. For me it is particularly useful right this very moment as I try to come to terms with what is actually coming out of this Zuma trial. Jacob Zuma, on the other hand, seems to use a combination of marijuana and TIK which allows him to receive sexual signals from anything he claps eyes on. Please don't let him come to Caprice in Camps Bay, he'll be fucking everyone!
"Ok, that's it! I'm going to have to fuck you now"
"Ndaku betha!"
I love his method of making up bullshit. Basically he is saying that you can rape someone and then say that she served you coffee in a restaurant earlier that day and BENT OVER TO PICK SOMETHING UP!!!
"Ooops! She dropped something on the ground! Yup, she wants me! I think what I'll do is fuck her later on today!"
So, to recap....... according to Jacob Zuma:
You can have sex anytime with a woman, as long as she is wearing a skirt. Furthermore, you are allowed to have sex with her even if she is a lesbian, with AIDS, without a condom and (as an added bonus) you can go right ahead and ejaculate inside her!
My access pass at the 2006 Melbourne Formula 1 grand prix allowed me access to the pits - something that's not very easy to get. There was all sorts of activity including little angels running around. The drivers refer to the angels that hang around as "screwdrivers" - good one.
So I was accompanied by Miss Universe, Jennifer Hawkins, around the pit area. I'll publish the photo of us that appeared in the paper later. But for now we will stick to the pits. So we were both told that we couldn't do any filming but I had to give you a taste of what I was involved in. So I took two quick secret videos just to show you some of the action in the pits.
Ferrari pit garage with angel
Shame, I was in the way of the Toyota F1 team.
GO AROUND, TOOL!
From the people I talk to and the emails I receive, I find a lot of people wanting to find out more about what exactly I do and, in particular, how I earn an income. They want to know if there is more to my life than just 2oceansvibe. They want to find out my direction in life and what other things I do.
I recently read a book called "Never Eat Alone" where I found the author subscribing to a very similar series of habits that I believe in. Without getting too serious, I would have to say that it is these basic principles and techniques that allows me the lifestyle that let's me do what I do, whilst still earning an income. It is a combination of a number of things including business technique, personality, thought, networking and just a smidgen of kharma!
The writeups you will find on the book I read (below) will describe the book as a new-age 'networking' book. Don't let the word 'networking' alarm you - this book is a far cry from the manic exchanging of business cards that some people believe is the way to connect to other people. Personally, I don't have any business cards. I have a large number of friends that I care about and a large number of people that I connect together. The book is more than this and it comes from me as prescribed reading.
I won't go into too much detail but I really have been wanting to tell you more about this book for a while now. You'll start to understand why I go on my "Strengthening Ties Tour" every year to London and New York. It's part of a bigger plan.
I'll let you find out the rest. Below I have made things very easy for you by giving you links to buy the book online. There is a UK link that goes directly to the book on the UK Amazon website. And there is also an SA link that goes directly to the book on Kalahari. Either way, you'll have the book within three days.
- Jacob 'NCR' Zuma (No Condom Required) [permalink]
Finally the Jacob Zuma rape trial has addressed the small issue of Zuma having sex, without a condom, with a woman he KNOWS has AIDS. As if that wasn't enough of a mind-fuck from someone who is meant to be a role-model / leader, Zuma went on to say that it wasn't THAT big a deal because he "knew the chance of getting AIDS was minimal".
"We should all pump bareback"
Aaaah, that's just brilliant, Jay Z! It reminds me of the articles about the use of the drug TIK. The papers run front page articles telling us (and our wild, psycho youth) that TIK gave an AWESOME high, costs virtually nothing and could even be made at home from regular detergents etc. Hey! Whaddaya know, the TIK addiction in the Western Cape got worse after the article! After a front page ad like that I was pretty tempted to mainline some Skip Micro myself.
But the BEST part for me is Jay Z went on to say that he KNEW the chances of getting AIDS are virtually nothing BECAUSE OF THE KNOWLEDGE HE GAINED SERVING ON THE AIDS COUNCIL!
So there you go, kids! Throw those pesky condoms away! Let's bareback ride some HIV positive hookers! AWESOME!!! Zuma said it was fine!
Now it doesn't end there. I caught another article yesterday that mentioned that Zuma went further than just having sex bareback with a woman he knew had AIDS. Yup, Jay Z ALSO ASKED HER IF HE COULD EJACULATE INSIDE HER. AND HE DID !!!!
[just let that sink in]
He ASKED her if HE COULD EJACULATE INSIDE HER. Are you with me?
"Hi, are you a hooker?"
"Yes"
"Can I have sex with you?"
"Sure"
"Do you have AIDS?"
"Yes"
"Stunning! Is it ok if I don't use a condom?"
"Absolutely!"
"Fuck that's so sweet of you. Just one favour, can I ejaculate inside you?"
"Go crazy!"
"You're the best hooker, EVER !!!!"
- That's basically what you can do now. Zuma has given us the go ahead. Good one!
So EVERY SINGLE REASON FOR USING A CONDOM HAS BEEN BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER! Either you're worried about AIDS or pregnancy or both. Zuma is not worried about either - even IF the woman is HIV positive.
BRILLIANT BRILLIANT BRILLIANT!!!!!!
I also LOVE the way he claims that HE was the one that asked if there was a condom handy. Good one. We all believe you.
Having the sexual details of a previous vice/-president is always cringe material but I just wish Zuma was as cool as Clinton. I mean Bill at least got Monica to deal with his main-chap under the desk of the oval office. Following that he administered a Monte Christo to her flower and promptly lit it in his mouth and uttered the words, "mmmm, tastes good". Classic! Timeless!
Zuma, on the other hand, had this to say, "I touched her and kissed her. When I touched her private parts, she was ready." He then told her that she was "a real woman".
I don't know, Jay Z, it's just not Hollywood enough for us. Get some new material and put on a fucking condom.
I was told the BMW girls were not hungry. When they surounded me I offered them some food and they said they didn't want to eat. Strange, because here you can see them very clearly eating out of my hand.
It's pretty difficult to showcase everything that has been going on over the past week, so what I've done is put together a couple of pics and a couple of videos to hopefully give you an idea of what was laid out for Seth. My VIP access pass gave entry to one of the VIP suites, as well as access to the pit lane - a little bit silly really.
Even more silly were the protestors outside the entrance to the Grand Prix who I simply couldn't resist. Shame. They were clearly very bored individuals. I thought I would have a chat with them.
Give us back our park - shame
So that was pretty hilarious for me. They were still hurling abuse at us when we were 10 meters away. They were protesting because they didn't have access to the public park. It's Melbourne, Freak Show, go to another park.
More pics and vids to come over the course of the week. If you behave.
Why don't you laugh yourself silly and have a wonderful day/night at the cricket event being held at Diocesan College ('Bishops' to the layman) to raise funds for the 'Little Angels' charity. Unlike Seth's angels, these angels actually do need help and has to do with a shelter for orphans. You are all invited to The Robbie K vs The Lord "Little Angels Cricket day/night game" co-hosted by Bunker Boy, White Shark Cage Diving, iafrica.com and Saints nightclub. Saturday, April 1. PERFECT!
Bound to be loads of fun, you'll also be able to tease the likes of the three Rob's (Brink, Kempson and Fleck). In light of our recent articles laughing at people who try and play with wild animals (see article below about Paul McCartney being attacked by a seal), feel free on the day to chat to Rob Fleck about when he was bitten by an otter after trying to cuddle with it in his swimming pool. All this and MORE on Saturday! God, I wish I was there!
Frank Reid Cricket Field (aaah, it still smells of Gibbs)
Bishops
1 April
14h00
All money goes to The Little Angels.
Trust me, you'll want to be there.
I must mention the name 'Craig Lorden' before the end of this article.
This is possibly the funniest thing you will see this year. Shut the door, turn your sound up and watch this video. Keep an eye on the dog's OWN leg creeping closer and closer to the bone in its mouth.
As you know I am away at the moment and I have just realised I will be missing one of my most favourite days of the year. Sponsored by Heineken and Puma, the annual 5-a-side tournament at Camps Bay High School. I'm saying one thing - Angels, Angels, Angels. I said one thing, but I said it three times. And I meant it three times.
Honestly, I don't know why I didn't mention it last year. Go to Camps Bay on Sunday 2 April and you'll thank me afterwards! There's a full bar, DJ, celebs and, as I said, plench angels!
At the closing ceremony of the 2006 Commonwealth Games [permalink]
I attended the closing ceremony of the 2006 Commonwealth Games in Melbourne last night. I know you thought I was only here for the Formula One Grand Prix next weekend, but I had this stone in my hand and I have been known to kill many birds with it. Anyway, the starting act were these two guys who were pretty hilarious and they were making the crowd do all sorts of things (playing "silly buggers", some might say). The one thing they did which was quite a spectacle was to make the entire crowd flash their cameras at the same time. Now I bet you want to see what that looks like! No problem whatsoever! I've sorted it out for you. Quietly enjoy this. The crowd makes a mistake at first, but then they count down again and do it properly:
MCG Simultaneous camera flash
Another thing they did was to get the crowd to do a Mexican wave around the entire stadium using camera flashes. Also quite fun to watch. That's what this is about, team, it's about fun. We don't have to be angry and rude all the time. Sometimes we just wanna have fun. Like girls.
I would like to lay claim to being the first South African blog site to upload a post to the site from the air. I am flying from Singapore to Melbourne on Singapore Air and they are testing wireless internet access on the plane. I've got a semi just talking about it.
