He was always a pipe dream for Katie

In EASILY the most exciting development in the Cruise/Holmes conundrum, we learn that Katie Holmes has been quoted in the past (when she was a child, as she is now) as saying

"I think every girl dreams about her wedding.
I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise"

CLICK HERE FOR IMDB Katie Holmes page

So what did you do, Tom? Did you surf the net for your name and find some cute little angels to dominate with your near perfect penis?

After finding out about this quote I REALLY feel the whole affair is becoming a little sordid.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Rock Star Fund invent party out of thin air. And Succeed.

I was very impressed with, what I refer to as 'The Institute of Young Rock Stars'. The 'Rock Star Fund' was officially launched at Miam Miam on Tuesday night - the night before the Public Holiday. There's another public holiday on Monday by the way. That's crazy. Honestly, Cape Town DOES lend itself.....

Are we the only country in the World who who move their public holidays to a work day if it falls on a weekend? It's hysterical!

Anyway, so Goldfish played. Great, as usual. As I type I am listening to a CD of a jazz band called Breakfast Included (nice name, guys). It was dropped off by David from Goldfish who also plays in Breakfast Included. Do you guys have a pentium chip stuck up your asses that allows you to multi-task like that? So there he was, very nouveau muso. He appeared - like baby Jesus - at my front door at home about two hours ago. The CD is called 'Night Work Included' (Ohhh, ok, I see what you did there. Good). It's the second time in a row I am listening to it now. Fuck it's great. There are various types of jazz out there and I don't profess to know which is which. What I DO know is that THIS is the type of jazz you like. People who claim they 'hate jazz' know in their hearts that they heard some good jazz once and they enjoyed it. This is that type of jazz. Good jazz.

Anyway, baby Jesus also informed me that the jazz band, Breakfast Included, are playing at Eclipse (Eclipse are getting a nice amount of mileage lately) on Saturday night at 20h30. Definitely going after a barmitzvah I have to attend at 17h00.

So, back to Miam Miam. Goldfish finished their 'set' and things went pretty well on all accounts. Obviously, as always, the angels were absolutely adorable. One name, Kelly. I think bars should learn to get more barmen and stock on nights like these. The Rock Stars will give ample warning in future, I'm sure. I do like that place Miam Miam. I think a normal night there would also be quite nice. Maybe a little toot on Friday night? After Planet, perhaps?

The Rock Star Fund. Something to keep an eye on?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Be fair
permalink!

I've been thinking about this whole Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes thing and realised that I wasn't quite finished with that news story. I don't think we can all move along to the next story. I don't know why everyone is keeping it so hush hush. Why doesn't somebody say it? Why are we keeping what Tom did so hidden? Tom gave the boys a quick gut shot, didn't he? Fucking right he did. So unexpected from Tom. WHAMMO! In your face! I claimed him in Risky Business and we all wanted to be Maverick in Top Gun..... Then he pulls this shit out the bag, and probably pretends to be unaware.

Give yourself a clap, Tom

Don't worry, he knows he did wrong. I trust he will give a secret signal to the boys in his next movie, just to acknowledge that he knew that he fucked up. The boys would appreciate it, Cruiser.

Katie Holmes- Borderline Boiler

You see, Katie is in the league of the 'Borderline Boilers'. Borderline Boilers were introduced to me by a friend, Simon, in London. Boilers, being ugly women. So 'borderline boilers' are women that you're not sure about. You're not sure if they're hot or not. (Please don't email in asking if we've heard of the term 'Butterface'). People have different views of what is or isn't beautiful - but we all know what we're talking about when we refer to 'borderline boilers'. The best examples are famous women - their fame clouds your judgement and you think they're in the hot league - and they're not. I called Simon (who is now a very powerful man in Washington) to remind me of the examples we used to give.

The classic, Simon reminded me will always be Carol Vorderman. Her website, by the way, announces on the home page "Enter Carol Vorderman Online". Is that possible? Have we come that far? (yes, excused).

Vorders

Others included Gerri Halliwell, Sandra Bullock. We decided all of the Spice Girls should be in the list. The most controversial was obviously Chrissie Hynde.

The thing about borderline boilers is they are, in fact, attainable to the man on the street. Like you, chum. The same goes for you girls. You've seen the articles out there.

"Geri Halliwell spotted having a drink
with previously unknown, Sinclair Tweedie".

That's when we go, "WHO THE FUCK IS SINCLAIR TWEEDIE"

You see, Borderline Boilers KNOW they are Borderline Boilers and therefore don't go after the big guys. The Big Daddies. The Private Jet crew - the gang who get the supermodels. Flavio Briatore and the boys. The heavies. Prince Albert is definately a shoe in. And Tom Cruise. Brad's obviously there. So the famous borderlines go for more attainable goals. Guys like William H Macey and Darius. But the beauty of borderlines is they are attainable to the man on the street. So you can have your OWN piece of Hollywood. "My chick fucked Keanu". Lag. I reckon, with the right mood music and just the right amount of champagne, I would DEFINATELY have my way with Geri Halliwell!

The great thing about borderline boilers is this. You have your favourites. When you find yourself argueing about the fact that you think a particular actress/singer REALLY is hot, you've found one of your favourites.

Katie Holmes was one of everyone's favourite Borderline Boilers. Tom is VERY AWARE that she is a borderline boiler and has, unfortunatley, spotted her true allure. Instead of enjoying the big guns - the lingerie supermodels, the Sports Illustrated US swimsuit models, Jennifer Love Hewitt (out of leftfield) - he came after Katie. The youngster who hasn't been poisoned. (We chatted about this earlier this month. The poisoning that happens to Cape Town girls. Click HERE for article).

Love Hewitt. Love her.

In doing so he has stolen one of The People's borderline boilers. And one which, I might add, was EASILY attainable for most of the boys.

Don't blame Katie, guys. Its not her fault.

Nice one Tom. We'll look out for the secret signal in your next picture.

Seriously, cuck move buddy.

Childish.

Grow Up.

OF COURSE YOU FUCKING KNEW, TOM.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
permalink!

ps. We may have a contact who has a list of literally hundreds of Borderline Boilers. Investigating.

Requested by the readers

I have had numerous requests from readers wanting to see a picture of Jaime (our current Waitress Watch waitress (left menu)). I have been sent emails with words including "intrigued" and "DYING to see".

Just to explain, there are three reasons why there is no picture. Firstly it makes it fun for the readers in Cape Town who will make an effort to go to the particular venue in search of the waitress. Surely that is fun? Secondly, if take a picture of the waitress it will have to be a good picture and will therefore require us to tell her about the website and the Waitress Watch feature. We prefer them to find out through other people. That's much more fun. Thirdly we don't do that kind of stuff.

This one found out through other people.

Jaime introduced herself the other evening saying that she was aware of her position on Waitress Watch. Good show. So, Jaime, could you or one of your friends quickly send us a photo so we can show the readers what it takes to be on the Waitress Watch. We must keep them happy, angel. If they want a pic of you, we have to give it to them. send to editor@2oceansvibe.com

Ta.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

And looking VERY MUCH on top of his game!

There has been a deathly hush in our office over the last couple of weeks as we all secretly hid the fact that we had not received a TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting in quite some time and were actually quite worried. And then, like a dove arriving with an olive branch shoved in it's beak, Scott S sent this in.

Scott had this to say: "I was walking my dog (Ticken) through a field in Constantia on Monday late-afternoon. Like a vision I spotted a tall blonde gentleman playing with a very large tennis ball. He was kicking it around with a couple of friends. I got closer and as I suspected it was the TBG! I recently joined a phtography club and bought a brand new Canon camera which I take everywhere with me these days. The TBG was super friendly and was more than happy to pose for a pic of him spinning the ball. Aaah.... the joy of spotting the TBG".

Thanks for that, Scott - good for you. Good for 2oceansvibe. And good for Cape Town, I believe.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

That's right, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Our United States connection in Boston sent through an incredible email this morning. Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes.

Now before we get to the story, let's chat about Katie. She REALLY is everyone's special angel. Here we see Kate simply walking down the street. Thinking. Planning her day.

And so it came to be that she got snapped up by a big player. Tristan (Tom Cruise) has spotted her and, at 16 years his junior, he's probably bloody loving it. I suppose it's better than Orlando Bloom (prick - fact) or Ben Affleck stealing her innocence. God, it could have SO easily been Ben Affleck. Can we all stop for a second and thank whoever we believe in, for not letting that happen.

She has the cute factor and isn't in the super-power-hot mold of the kind of women picked up by the big Hollywood players. That is why, I think, we all thought she would be hidden from them. I really didn't think that The Cruisemeister would notice her true power. Hats off to the boy. I suppose Penelope had a major cute factor - she certainly wasn't in the supermodel mold.

CLICK HERE FOR STORY

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Take it in

I spent some time in the beautiful fruit farming district of Robertson recently. A few of us went through to visit friends who have farms out there.

Robertson - captivating

After playing a round of golf (I know) we settled into the bar at the golf club. There were five of us. Four boys and a girl (I know). Interesting fact: I sometimes forget, but the rule when mentioning numbers in written English, is to type out words until you get to ten (10) and then use the actual numerals. Don't ask why, it's just the rule. So don't say there were 5 people. There were five. Moving swiftly on. That's when 'Francois' appeared. Francois was wearing a pair of those those obscurely numbered styles of Levi jeans. When I say 'obscurely' I am referring to the Levi jeans style number being made up of less 'traditional' combinations. Something crazy like the Levi 662's or 734's. Made of that VERY thick VERY dark blue type of denim that Levi's were fucking around with two years ago and it never really took off.
I just want to cut myself off there before I forget to say that I think he was wearing a turtleneck. Under a jacket. Yes.

Horsey my friend

Francois was so fucked he couldn't stand or talk properly. He joined us for a chat. He said he was 31 and had been married for a year. "So you got married when you were 30" I asked blankly, trying to maintain the mundane level of conversation for a few more seconds. That was when Francois genuinely exclaimed that I was a "Fucking good mathematician". We exchanged a few more sentences. He informed me that he was from 'Die' Bellville. I have no idea why he felt he had to put a word meaning 'the' before the name of the suburb he lives in. I allowed myself to slip in and out of Afrikaans and English - giving the impression that I was well versed in the language of his fore-fathers, and was so good that I sometimes didn't know what language I was speaking. There are key Afrikaans words to put in a sentence to add some bulk. Words like 'dalk' are essential. Also join up your words and drop letters. Like when I was asking my caddie's opinion on a club selection . Instead of asking "Gebruik ek dieselfde klub" I say "Gebruik 'ekie' selfde klub". When asking someone to sit always say "Sit Maar" instead of just 'Sit'.

He left for a while and came back. He felt he had to get us a round of drinks because we offered him a drink earlier. We had full beers and wine in our hands so we thanked him and told him not to worry.

"COME ON!!!!!" shrieked Francois. What it really sounded like was "CHGHUOOOMAAAARGH"

We insisted - saying that we would not require a drink and that it was very nice of him to offer. He then said that he was not leaving until we gave him a drinks order. We gave him his just due and ordered 5 double vodka red bulls.

He returned from the bar exclaiming that they didn't have red bull at the bar. We told him this was very possible and that we had a solution. There was Powerade behind the bar. He came back asking what colour Powerade we would like, in place of the red bulls - BLUE or RED.

"Blue please, Francois"

So Francois came back to the table with 5 glasses containing ice and vodka in one hand, and two massive blue Powerade bottles in the other hand. I am battling to put into words the display we were treated to. The powerade came in the squeeze bottles like you buy at gas stations. A sports bottle type thing. Instead of unscrewing the spout at the top to reveal a very easy pouring container, Francois proceeded to squirt the blue Powerade into each glass. I don't know if you have tried, but it squirts out fucking hard and fast. You should have some sort of a visual in your mind of blue Powerade squirting into the glasses. Obviously the rapid thrust of the Powerade was such that it would hit the ice cubes in the glass and redirected out of the glass..... over Francois. Great to watch.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

There is an answer

I tire with feedback from OUT THERE that some of 2oceansvibe's most loyal readers start new jobs in a company whose "firewall's" (and other outlandish jargon titbits) DO NOT ALLOW 2oceansvibe. I cannot understand why. I was chatting to a friend of mine, an avid surfskiier, and HE tells me that he made one simple phonecall and the problem was solved. The surfskiing mention in the last sentence has nothing to do with this story whatsoever. I just didn't want to lose your focus due to your waiting for a surfskiing punchline that doesn't exist. I also knew it would make him chuckle when he read it. It tickles him.

So the guy tells me he just had to make one phone call. He phoned his company's IT geeks ('Techies', if you really still think the term is cool. Using the word 'techies' is banned - everyone knows that. They're IT geeks, call them IT geeks) and told them that 2oceansvibe is a lifestyle site and a topic of conversation for him and his clients. He felt that he was unable to respond to his clients when they spoke about 2oceansvibe. OBVIOUSLY he was lying to them, but it got the security fixed to allow 2oceansvibe. Good method.

Another method is to go to this webpage http://www.worldlingo.com/en/websites/url_translator.html and translate 2oceansvibe FROM English INTO English. 2oceansvibe is then shown to you VIA another site (The translation website) so the security firewalls don't know. But you don't get to 2oceansvibe pictures and videos this way - just the writing. Just me. You'll be fucked. I'll brainwash you in no time.

There is another way around it. My folks live in Australia and my Mother gets 2oceansvibe at her office, but my dad doesn't get it at his office. So my mother prints out the site every week and takes it home for him to read. Yes, on paper. I know.

You forget all your parents read this crap. My dad called and quoted to me something I had said on the site that he (and my mother) found highly amusing. It was then that I realised that my parents had read the line I wrote in another article - "Your vagina is not a currency".

Good God.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Will it stop?

Speechless.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Why was I not told about this?

I dusted off some of my older MP3's the other day and stumbled upon Laura Branigan. My office was treated to a week long focus session on the now forgotten Branigan. "Where the fuck has this song been hiding" was thrown around from time to time. I called a friend of mine. An Italian friend. Italian by name, Italian by nature. I told him to wait for the completion of a special little webpage I was making for him. I made a webpage which allowed him to download Laura Branigan's song "Ti Amo".

The guy phoned me back in tears.

An ad for a Lentheric/Yardley type perfume, 'Je Taime', ran for most of my life with the catch-phrase "Nobody says 'I love you' quite like the French". Without showing my softer side I would just like to say that you fucking monkeys obviously didn't hear Laura Branigan say 'I love you' in Italian.

Branners has left the building

So I thought I would make the song available to the rest of you. I had a little look on the "internet" to see what Branners was up to. That's when the World decided to tell me that Branners had switched off her mic. Laura Branigan is dead.

WOW. I am blown away.

Get in touch with the 80's child inside you and download the following song. Dear record companies, IOU $1 for every download.

CLICK HEAR TO DOWNLOAD TI AMO (3.84 Mb in MP4 format)
Right click then 'save target as'

Don't be scared to buy her greatest hits CD. Get punished by songs like 'Gloria', 'Spanish Eddie', 'Solitaire', 'Self Control', 'Cry Wolf', 'How am I supposed to live without you'.

Take it easy Seth. You're losing it.

RECENT UPDATE -UNBELIEVABLE FACT
Branigan dueted with DAVID HASSELHOFf on the track 'I believe' for the Baywatch soundtrack. AMAZING 2OCEANSVIBE FACT OF THE DAY!!!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Now listen to this!

There are times when it just all falls into place. When you don't even have to think. Like a little boy being led across a busy street by his mother, we will guide you. Now give me your hand. Don't think. Come with Mummy.

A friend of 2oceansvibe, The Rock Star Fund (est. 2005), have come up with a solution for the inevitable transition into Wednesday. These guys are very similair to 2oceanvibe - all they want to do is play. They're professionals! It is their launch party on Tuesday night and YOU'RE INVITED !! God, it's gonna be great! Let's play nicely!

The venue is Miam Miam (196 and a half Long Street) and it should be a schtoinker. We're pretty excited about the party as well as the fact that we've heard good things about Miam Miam (keywords like 'courtyard' and 'chilling' have been thrown around) and have been looking for an excuse to check it out. Ummm, it's free before 10pm and R20 after that

The 'Rock Star Fund'...............it's too good. You know when something is 'too' good? This is 'too' good. Ooh we are going to play so nicely! Nice nice!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

who needs a lie down

This is not a restaurant review so I won't tell you that Yindees restaurant on Thursday night was very good, apart from the fact that the entire table left starving. I also won't tell you that four stuffed calamari tubes just won't cut it as a main course. What I will tell you is what happened afterwards.

It was a friend's barmitzvah so we went to Eclipse and settled down a bit at the outside bar. It seems Eclipse don't believe that people outside have credit cards. They also don't believe you should be told this until you have to pay.

"That's R85"

"Thanks, chum. Take this here credit card"

"Oooh..."
(draw in breath through side of mouth clenched teeth)
"Shit, bro, we don't take cards outside"

"Do they have a card machine inside?"

"Yes"

"Cool, make it R95"

"Sorry bro, we can't leave the bar"

"Cool, make it R120"

"I'll be right back with your card"

Amazing.

Still at Eclipse.... Good to see Jaime, the current 'Waitress Watch' waitress has come a long way since we saw her on her first shift. The trademark flashy smile, combined with slick tray control and a dash of chutzpah is all she'll need to hold her position for a few more weeks. Good luck with that. Jaime was not sharing her shift with Sianne (who joined her on Waitress Watch) on Thursday night so we, sadly, had to let Sianne go. Thanks for the memories. And the great jokes.

That reminds me, the Rock Star Fund crew were there. With bells on, I might add. More about them in another article.

We revisited 90's coke-whore stronghold, The Fez, once we were done with Eclipse. We've said it before and we'll say it again - Welcome back Fez. A new breed of Vodka Red Bull freaks have taken over where the 90's crew left off. The dance floor was hot and the angels were in effect. I sauntered upstairs and made a little nest near to the DJ box.

[Enter 'Mike' - stage left]

A young fellow, Mike, approached us. Like some sort of an ancient Roman messenger type, he came bearing good news. Mike informed us that there would be a little change in our evening and that another old friend, Spiced Gold, would be looking after us for the duration of the evening. After thanking the kind gentleman, we made a swift changeover to Spiced Gold for the rest of the evening. I took my first sip of Spiced Gold with ginger ale. I nearly broke down in tears with the overwhelming cloud of nostalgia that engulfed my body. "Where am I!" I cried. Naughty's? Crowded House? Lloyds? The Cave? The Pig? I couldn't quite place it. I even had a flashback to a Rondebosch social. But it couldn't have been - it must have been SACS. Rondebosch hadn't acquired the fine taste of Spiced Gold by Standard 8 and preferred Tassies down down competitions. But lets not get sidetracked. The point I'm trying to make is I totally forgot about Spiced Gold! It's helluva versatile and allows one a spot of creativity. It's a great excuse to pump some Appletizer into the body (the king of fizzy drinks). You'll find a lot of people joining you after you order your first. Chants of "Christ, I remember Spiced Gold" will surround you.
It's been there all the time and we shouldn't be frightened!

A story entitled 'Laura Branigan Rollercoasters inc.' to follow.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

there's fire

In a surprise incident, a local Camps Bay resident found themselves in a spot of bother when their wendy house at the back of the garden caught fire. It is not yet confirmed what was the cause of the fire.

Paul John from Atholl Road (multi-lingual) was the first to notice and called the Fire department.

"White smoke bellowed and could be seen for miles"

Different coloured smoke - some sort of 'a sign'

Once Mrs Paul had called the fire department, things seemed to change slightly. She became unsure of what exactly she was seeing. Another neighbour, Joseph Benedict also confirmed a similair thing.

"The smoke changed from white to black, then back to white again"

The owner of the house, Mr Chapel (78)(German) was pleased that is was only the wendy house that went down.

"Thank God", exclaimed Chapel

In other news, a new Pope was elected

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Very spicey vibe from the neighbourhood grill

I don’t know where to start this little posting. I was thinking of round about ways to feed into the one sided discussion I am about to have. I cannot think of any crafty lead up so I’ll go out and say it. There is an ATM machine inside Barristers.

Barristers, the age old restaurant on Main Street in Newlands has installed an ATM inside the restaurant. It is not in the corner or the arse end of the restaurant, or next to the toilets. No, no…. it is in the EXACT centre of the restaurant. For those of you familiar with Barrister’s layout, let me explain where it is. Walk towards the outside courtyard eating section (the bar should be on your left). As you reach the part where you can either go outside, or turn right to go to the indoor main restaurant, IT IS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU. I know. It’s odd. It is also very bright.

Barristers - trying to f*ck with our minds

Honestly I find this quite bizarre. Imagine your credit card gets bounced (perish the thought) and you excuse yourself from the table to draw some cash from the ATM inside the restaurant - in full view! Are you kidding me? Is that why it is there? Or have they chosen to service the community throughout the day? I just don’t understand. Imagine your credit card gets bounced AND you can't remember your ATM pin! I'd rather just get a mate to pay for me than a) drawing from an ATM in a restaurant b)run risk of my card not working in the ATM. Please stop confusing us.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Get involved

You've probably heard of or seen the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. 2oceansvibe has purchased 200 of these and are offering them to you lot. Money goes to the Lance Armstrong cancer foundation.

Selling at cost price of R10 each. Selling them in packs of 10. (big and small sizes)

Get in touch. Click 'Contact 2oceans' on the left (in the blue menu) and let us know if you would like a pack or more.

Cheers,

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

In arguably the funniest headline this year (below)

'JACKSON LICKED CHILD'S HEAD '

I mean... really. Can it get any funnier? I honestly had a giggle all day thinking of how I should twist this story. I thought of going for a 'grooming' angle - like cats licking each other. Or chimpanzees searching each other for ticks. But it was worthless. The headline was enough.

Personally, I think it was just a chimpanzee habit Michael Jackson picked up from his first live-in lover, Bubbles the chimp.

Great pic of the two of you, Mike

Whether or not the lady was telling the truth, it is TOO funny. You know when something is TOO funny? This is TOO funny. It has to be true though! Could anyone ever make up the fact that someone was licking a child's head? At the same time, all pedophiles are very aware that no-one would ever believe they were licking a little boy's head. I mean, why would he stick to licking there, when he has the WHOLE boy to lick! Thats when the pedophile trains himself to get a kick out of licking heads so that, if he ever got caught in the act, people would never believe the story. Clever.

It's just so bizarre! Licking his head! Imagine if women start going to the cops, charging men with sexual assault.

"What did he do to you ma'am"?

"He............he...........oh god............I'm sorry....I find it hard to talk about...... he....... HE LICKED MY HEAD"

Stop it. It's too funny.

thanks george

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

IN THE PLAYGROOOOOOOOUND!!! FIIIIIGHT !!!!

Using the nice 'comments' feature underneath their stories, an online fight appears to have formed at the 'Jo'blog' website. 2oceansvibe and Cape Town radicals are forming a united stand against the evils of the 'Jo'blog' and Johannesburg as a whole.

It was always going to come to this. Decades and decades of anger. The classic North vs South, mine dumps vs Atlantic Ocean, guns vs dolphins, rape vs modelling shoots.

Go have a look, make a statement. CLICK HERE.

The comments below the article go from oldest to newest, with the bottom of the page being the newest comment. They're pretty funny.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

It gets worse here everyday

Britney Spears is pregnant. And so it came to be that the constant rocking of the trailer produced another piece of white trash. Britney, you are carrying the anti-Christ.

MORE HERE (CNN)

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

A great end to the wedding

CLICK FOR FULL VERSION

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

And too keen for a free shot
permalink!

Before I left for overseas (some of you were asking if I have returned. Yes, I have) I had quite a big night out at Eclipse in Camps Bay. The highlight was walking up to an attractive young lady at the bar and, with my hand outstreched for a hand-shake, asked her her name.

"Why do you want to know", she asked, looking at my hand like there was a fresh stool of Yorkshire Terrier's poo in it.

The discussion of Cape Town's chicks (yes, ok.... LADIES) came up quite a bit with friends of mine in the Northern Hemisphere and they agreed that things are coming to a head. Now I am obviously not referring to all the Cape Town girls, as we know there are some absolute angels out there. But there seems to be a problem (which is rapidly spreading) with a large number of them. The unfriendly attitude is becoming renowned and I am plagued with emails and commentary from all over the world asking what, in fact, the problem is with the Cape Town girls. Is it because of the influx of money and international stars to Cape Town that is confusing them? We do notice how drawn they are to Ferrari renting coke snorters and how easily it is for them to whore themselves to the likes of Jared Leto. Is it because of the influx of international models that perhaps cause them to try to out-do one another? It really is quite interesting.

More and more of the guys I know are opting to find their match on foreign shores - where there isn't this ....this.........what could only be described as 'wierdness'. Local girls in their mid to late twenties wonder why the eligible guys in their late twenties are doing talking to 18-23 year olds. It's quite simple, my angels....... they haven't been poisoned yet. But you have to be quick, guys, it can happen anytime between 18 and 23. Suddenly...BANG..... they've lost their minds and are trying to get into the pants of the Russian mafia boss who orders the most champagne and can't speak a word of English. We have seen far too many sweet angels turn into these monsters that we seem to find ourselves surrounded by. Some of us have had a closer look than others. No offense to those affected, but this argument is backed up by South Africa having one of the highest divorce rate in the World. I'd love to know what percentage per whatever is contributed by Cape Town. Let me ask you this. What is the rate of divorce for second marraiges? I have no idea what it is but I'm pretty fucking sure it's very low. Why is this? It is because we have all realised that we were looking for the wrong thing and what we really want is someone to talk to, someone to laugh with and someone to watch a DVD with next to the fireplace........ followed by some hot porn star sex over the back of the sofa.

As I said earlier, it is not ALL the ladies out there, but there is a LARGE amount ruining it for everyone. You're ruining it for the yourselves, the girls, the guys - and Cape Town. Stop counting the free vodka red bulls, little angels, and come down to earth. Your vagina is not a currency.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
permalink!

Errrrrrrr, yes and no

It's not the kind of toilet humour that we shun. It's another kind. Click the link and go take a pee. The site is for a UK sobering-up drink (can we get that in SA, please) and challenges the user to his his/her mouse to aim the pee directly into the loo. The more you drink, the harder it gets. You down a pint after every pee. Challenge your friends!

CLICK HERE FOR THE SITE

thanks christy

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

We think back to her prime..

It hurts us to think back to the days when Britters was as fit as a fiddle. We found this pics to give you a bit of a reminder. The pic is followed by the state she is currently in.

It's fine though. She'll divorce trailer trash before the end of the year, stop eating carbs and make us like her again.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

You will probably find this a good start to your day

I don't usually allow myself to throw more than my usual energy into a story. After a good story I often feel light-headed and need to lie down - such is the energy I put into it. This time I went too far. I have switched from J & B to Jameson's and this was the result. You need sound on your machine for this. Ladies and gentlemen.... a 2oceansvibe Seth Rotherham original.

The 'Afrikaans Top Gun'

Click Here to download 2oceansvibe Afrikaans Top Gun (0.5Mb)
RIGHT CLICK AND 'SAVE TARGET AS' TO SAVE IT TO YOUR COMPUTER

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Great response

We pause our action packed content creation with a mention that the 2oceansvibe free classifieds section has had an awesome start! If you don't know about it yet, it is a free online classified section for you to buy and sell ANYTHING YOU WANT ! The link to the classified section is in the red block in the left menu of this website.

We have just wiped all of the ads from the last two weeks and are starting fresh for another fresh batch (ads expire after time). Just so you know and want to give it a try, the first lot did very well. We received tons of reports back of people finding houses, renting houses, finding house mates, cars sold, cars bought, computers sold, cameras etc. etc.

One thing I spotted today was a Camps Bay apartment to rent for R2,600 a month. Nice.

So give it a try. CLICK HERE FOR 2oceansvibe classified section

Who is Kurt Darren?

You've been hearing Afrikaans singer and sex symbol, Kurt Darren's name come up recently. You've been self destructing, trying to remind yourself where you have seen a picture of him. Wait no longer.

This, friends, is Kurt Darren.

Here we see Kurt owning the camera on the cover of his album, 'Staan Op', which is Afrikaans for 'Stand Up'. Kurt obviously counts Eminem as one of his influences. Kurt can try and tell me he never thought of that after listening to platinum-selling Eminem throwing the lyrics "Could the real Slim Shady please STAND UP", but I'll never believe it. Hey, here's another pic of Kurters.

And next we have an earlier pic of Kurt. Just chilling. Thinking. But still always giving the camera his all.

Now I went along and stumbled upon this news article on Kfm's website about rumours that Kurt Darren is gay. Interesting. Kurt commented:

"People have asked questions about my sexuality before. They probably look at the way I dance and then draw their own conclusions. They are just jealous, man."

ok, Kurt. Be cool.

Full article here

Kfm, by the way, must surely be the only option for breakfast radio? I have slowly turned a very large number of friends over to 94.5FM after they too found themselves tempted to hurl their cars into the ocean after trying to deal with the piercing, rasping screech of Mark Gilman on 5FM. Now that Mark is actually an adult he really must kick himself at night time, knowing that he has radio-typecasted himself into a corner. Or should I say, coma.

"I have to continue to scream all day long, even though it should have just been a quick phase of mine, a novelty, a fad. I have f*cked up completely and cannot do any other radio. I will only ever receive call-ins from people who want to make dedications to each other. I will NEVER EVER be on semi-intelligent radio"

Don't hurt yourselves in the morning. Arrive with a smile on your face. Let your brain engage into something that involves a bit of sense. Try Nic Marais on KFM breakfast - 94.5FM

At least something good came out of a conversation about Kurt Darren.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

What's the problem?

In a latest news report, it was testified that Michael Jackson touched Macaulay Culkin's bottom OVER HIS SHORTS and was also spotted kissing him.

Can we give this guy a break? Macaulay Culkin had just released Home Alone, one of the biggest selling movies of all time, and was about to release Home Alone II. At something like 10 years of age, Culkin was one of the most famous people on the planet and ABSOLUTELY adorable. And Jackson just touched his shorts! Are you telling me you would have been able to hold yourself back? I would have definitely, at the very least, had him naked on all fours!

Culkin - Adorable and inticing for Jackson

More here

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Finally Over

And what a pleasure it was to be in the Ununited States of America for the live TV coverage of the Death Race 2005! An absolute treat! And such timing! The contestants as you may or may not know were Terri Shiavo, Pope John Paul II and Prince Ranier of Monaco. The crass angle of my article is purely to highlight the exuberance displayed by the American networks. From ABC to FOX, the excitement was electric! It almost seemed planned.

"WE CAN NOW REPORT THAT THE POPE'S LIVER HAS COLLAPSED"

"THANK YOU, TAMMY. WE HAVE ALSO RECEIVED WORD THAT HIS BREATHING HAS BECOME SHALLOW. CAN YOU CONFIRM THIS."

"YES, TAMARA, THE VATICAN HAS CONFIRMED THAT HIS BREATHING HAS, INDEED, BECOME SHALLOW"

Headlines stating "POPE, NEAR TO DEATH" ran in the papers for three days. People were confused what day it was.

The results of the race, by the way, were as follows:

First: Terri Shiavo
Second: Pope John Paul II
Third: Prince Ranier of Monaco

I can only liken it to the New Year countdown leading up to the Millenium. I, by the way, celebrated the Millenium at the old Leopard Lounge in Fulham, London. And who was there giving us a show to lead us into Y2K? None other than Gary fucking Glitter and his starlets! That's right! It is very possible that it was his last live performance before a stint in jail and his relocating to a small Cambodian village where the local inhabitants are strictly males under the age of 10. Thanks again, Gary - when you party, you party hard!

So a few days before the Pope died, he decided against going to the hospital to have a tube put inside him to keep him going longer. Ironically, church groups protested against a tube being removed from Terri Shiavo - leading to her inevitable death.

So the American networks can only be thankful that they had so much breathing space (honestly, please excuse the pun) between each death so they could put their full energy into it. The Pope died about a week after Shiavo (whose death was postponed to this time using a tube) and Prince Ranier's death came a week after the Pope. Prince Ranier of Monaco was actually clinically dead before the Pope but they kept him on life support until after the April holidays - fact.

[insert clever paragraph here which leads very smartly and swiftly into the next paragraph about Princess Charlotte]

Princess Charlotte of Monaco. Will Seth be happy?

And so we feel it is necessary to pause for a moment and think about Princess Charlotte of Monaco. The gorgeous, 18 year old princess. Granddaughter of Prince Ranier. Granddaughter of Grace Kelly. Daughter of Princess Caroline. The Princess of the city which is the highlight in the Formula One calender - the race every driver dreams to win. Or should I say the race every man on earth wants to win.

In fact it is probably every man's best imaginery moment.

Imagine, Michael Schumacher injures himself walking to the car before the race. The substitute driver is locked in the porti-loo. The team are running around like headless horsemen, looking for another driver. You explain that you are confident you can do it. They give you the full racing kit and you take to the car. You take off. You win. You collect the trophy at the end and use the opportunity to propose to Princess Charlotte of Monaco. She accepts. You wave to Mum on TV.

That is surely better than my previous best imaginery moment which is taking off in my harrier jet from the roof of my office in Mouille Point (Kurt Darren on the ground below, using table tennis bats to direct me) and flying towards Camps Bay at Mach 1. As I come around Lions head with Jay Z's "H to the Izzo" playing in my headphones, I take aim and shoot Christo Wiese's son's helicopter out of the sky before he lands at La Med. The crowds at La Med start a mexican wave which I allow them to finish before I land my jet on Victoria Road, next to the beach and in front of Caprice (Harrier jets can land straight down and do not need a landing strip) Models lie down together, forming a carpet from my jet allowing me to walk over them up to the bar where a Caparinia is waiting for me. I down it as Sox, The DJ, plays 'Summertime' by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. I ignore Paris Hilton who is threatening me with a blow job. I covortte around the bar until the end of the song as my fellow patrons toast my success and mention how fabulous my entrance was. Words like 'terrific' are commonplace at this stage. Although spectacular, my aerial display did include the shooting down and explosion of the helicopter above La Med and, whilst parking a jet on Victoria Road is something the local Camps Bay police wouldn't know how to tackle, murder is illegal. As the sirens become audible in the distance, I do several flick flacks towards my Ferriari Marinello parked directly in front of caprice (the spot in front of the handicap parking place). The cops are getting closer. A Gucci Model jumps into the passenger seat with two champagne flutes and a bottle of Dom. We laugh as my engine roars and we play catch up with the cops before we hurl ourselves and the Ferrari off Chapmans Peak.

So there you have it. Two pretty impressive imaginery moments. The second one is obviously a lot more flashy. I can't decide which would be the ultimate though.

But let's not get sidetracked. We were trying to be serious. Or were we?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com

Fridge Magnet

I found this absolutely OUTSTANDING fridge magent in Boston today.

How special is this magnet?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com