So, apparently cheating is still rife in the sporting world. Well that’s according to Victor Conte. He’s the guy who co-developed a fancy steroid and then fed it to pro baseballers in tight peddle-pushers and motorcycle helmets that only covered one ear.

It was quite ingenious really. You see, he would feed it to a baseballer who would then hit more home runs. Because he was hitting more home runs, there’d be more fat kids eating chilli dogs at the game, each dreaming of being pro-ballers some day. Because they were fat, they would start going to gym, but since YouTube and Myface are shortening children’s attention spans, they wouldn’t have the patience to go everyday meaning they would have to purchase some of Victor’s roids. Like I said, ingenious.

SeeBiscuit..

This meant serious green back for his efforts but, let’s face it, it makes for some pretty sensational viewing. According to Victor, the majority of the athletes that will make it into the 100-metre final at the London Olympic Games will have used performance-enhancing drugs. The majority!?

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Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. As far as I’m concerned, the Tour de France would be a pretty droll affair if there wasn’t a little cheating here and there. I did a bit of research and, according to accounts of the first races, riders used everything from broken glass on the road to nails to itching powder in other riders’ shorts, to get the healthy edge. One time, an angry mob randomly attacked a rider. Now that’s quality entertainment.

The recent addition of the 20/20 cricket was essential because, around the world, old men with beards were getting bored of watching Andrew Hudson block for four days. Instead of bringing India to a grinding halt with a whole new tournament, they should have simply allowed Herschelle Gibbs to line Hudders’ box with itching powder. Problem solved.

What about horseracing? Without betting, drinking, smoking and Leeanne Liebenberg, I think the sport would be more boring than British politics. One of the most memorable moments in the sport was when Sylvester Carmouche cheated back in 1990. He took advantage of a foggy afternoon and won at Delta Downs in Louisianna. He waited for the race to begin and then stopped, waited for the pack to come around again, sped up and won by 24 lengths. Brilliant.

In a test that hopefully won’t need any cheating, the Leicester Tigers take on the Springboks tonight in what will be a serious test of South African rugby depth, and will most probably set the tone for the upcoming overseas tour. There’s been much debate about how much depth the Boks have to offer, so tonight will see the fledglings being put to the test. The first game after a squad selection always makes for good entertainment. Let’s just say that Chilliboy and the team have some Mauger pressure on them tonight. (That was terrible. Apologies. Going to leave it in, though.)

Chelsea have Manchester United to deal with on Sunday in the first sport where cheating is almost socially acceptable. The looks of pain and anguish, the rolling around on the pitch to a point where you feel this could be the end of a career, to miraculous recoveries. It’s all in there and it’ll be a sellout! I can’t wait.

I think everybody should take a collective decision to relax all anti-cheating laws in sport. I think the men with beards would start coming back to watch Hudders block for four days. Everyone would be eating chilli-dogs and be much happier.

Check out the times below…

12:45 PM – 9:00 PM Cricket SS1A, SS1

Pakistan Cricket: Pakistan v New Zealand 2nd ODI

4:15 PM – 11:00 PM Cricket SS2A, CSN, SS2

MTN40:, Highveld Lions v Titans

9:00 PM – 11:30 PM Rugby SS1, SS1A, MNET

Leicester Rugby, Leicester Tigers v South Africa

SATURDAY

5:00 AM – 10:00 AM Golf SS6, SS6A

WGC:, HSBC Champions Day 3

11:40 AM – 5:30 PM Tennis SS2A, SS2

Fed Cup:, Italy v USA Day 1

4:45 PM – 7:00 PM Soccer B SS3

Premier League:, Man City v Burnley

4:55 PM – 6:55 PM Soccer SS5

Premier League:, Tottenham v Sunderland

9:30 PM – 11:45 PM Soccer B SS3

Italian Serie A:, Atalanta v Juventus

5:00 AM – 10:00 AM Golf SS6, SS6A

WGC:, HSBC Champions Day 3

SUNDAY

4:50 AM – 1:30 PM Cricket SS5A, SS5

Indian Cricket:, India v Australia 6th ODI

5:00 AM – 10:00 AM Golf SS6A, SS6

WGC:, Hsbc Champions Day 4

9:30 AM – 6:30 PM Cricket SS2, SS2A

SA Cricket:, South Africa v Zimbabwe 1st ODI

3:00 PM – 6:00 PM Soccer SS4

Super Diski: PSL:, Mp Black Aces v Ajax Cape Town

3:00 PM – 5:30 PM Soccer B SS3

Premier League:, Hull City v Stoke City (Hd)

2:45 PM – 4:30 PM Motorsport SS1A, SS1, CSN, SSM

Motogp:, Valenciana Main Race

4:55 PM – 7:00 PM Soccer SS7A, SS7

Premier League:, West Ham v Everton

5:30 PM – 7:55 PM Soccer SSA, SS3, SS3A, CSN

Premier League:, Chelsea v Manchester Utd (Hd)

7:55 PM – 9:55 PM Soccer SS7

Spanish La Liga:, Valencia v Zaragoza