[imagesource:checkersSixty60]

I’m lazy.

I’m just putting this out there so that we are clear on the fact that I think Checkers Sixty60 is the best thing to happen to consumers in South Africa since Castle Lager brought out the 12-pack.

Being able to get your groceries delivered to your door within an hour is up there with the invention of the internet, which coincidentally also allows hermits like myself to never have to leave the house.

It’s not that we don’t like the outdoors, it’s just that the outdoors comes with unpredictable and unwelcome surprises, like delivery scooters that seem to appear next to your car window as quickly as a car guard.

Yes, Checker Sixty60 is Kimberly Taylor’s gift to a freaked-out post-pandemic populace, but just like a vaccine, the delivery method might be quick, but still a pain.

I have been struck by a delivery scooter three times now, and after having to duck behind a light pole on the sidewalk next to Garden Centre for the umpteenth time to avoid a curb-hopping scooter, I have come to the realisation that you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting hit by a frozen chicken and potatoes-special carrying delivery driver whenever you leave your home in Cape Town.

Now, I’m not sure what the 411 is outside of the DA utopia we live in down here, but the sheer amount of scooters that are braap braap-ing their way around our streets often has me thinking of a disastrous trip to Mumbai in my thirties.

They are everywhere, and in most cases, you don’t even realise there is a two-wheeled shopping cart close to you until they slip into the non-existent gap between you and the massive Jaguar E-Type blocking out the sun (yes, down here in the Mother City we all drive either Jaguar or Porsche – not the poverty-stricken Macan, but the Cayenne).

It’s not just Checkers that are throwing daredevils our way, there are almost as many delivery services these days as there were post offices before the Guptas stole our mail. Two of the times I have been struck by a scooter happened on the sidewalk, which normally would be a relatively safe space for pedestrians and taxis to enjoy.

All this has once again reminded me of why it is safer to stay at home, instead of risking my legs being broken by someone’s Checkers or Takealot order.

Now I am not proposing that these scooters need to be removed, in fact, we can do with some more scooters in Cape Town now that most of the beetles have disappeared into a rusty retirement village behind Rent-A-Beetle, but could these delivery drivers perhaps be taught how to flow with the traffic, instead of creating three extra lanes in every street?

Checkers? Takealot? Mr. Delivery? Weed dealers?

And speaking of sidewalks, how come people always walk in the road, so that you have to either swerve to avoid them or hoot and get the finger? It’s literally in the name: Side. Walk. You walk next to the road, hence the side part. Also, there is a ‘walk’ component to the word, which means no riding, revving, wheelies, or blerrie scooters on the sidewalk.

Have we descended to the level of cavepeople? I ask this question while sitting in the dark, with no Eskom to light up my hermit existence, so perhaps we have.

At least I can still order booze via Sixty60. Just stay out of the delivery guy’s way before my beer gets warm.

[source:frustration]