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On behalf of everyone I just want to say a massive hello to all our new residents from Johannesburg.

All together now…. ‘HAAAAA-ZIIIT’!

There certainly is no doubt that there’s a big movement to Cape Town. I mean, I know it’s been going on for years, and I’m not talking about our cousins who’ve been here for a while. This is different. It’s a fresh, new surge of sorts.

I’ve been feeling it over the last few months. Even in the burbs. In fact, it’s VERY strong in the burbs. That’s right guys, you’ll be pleased to know those Lambo SUVs did not go unnoticed. A jarring juxtaposition parked next to vintage Jaguars with single-digit CA plates, that’s for sure. But it’s not just that – it’s a noticeable shift in energy. You’ve felt it too. Suddenly everyone’s emailing and buzzing around and going to meetings.

IN.MID.JANUARY!

It’s hysterical! And it can only stem from new arrivals. So just a heads up for next year – things only really kick off here in Feb.

Look, to be fair, it’s not just Jo’burgers… it’s the whole bloody country. All funnelling down to the bottom of the map. Like a mass migratory geographic version of the game, ‘just the tip’. And hey, we get it… this place is fucking awesome. You’re excited. And you know what? We’re excited for you! Honestly… we are.

And although you’ve (always) tarred us with the unfriendly brush, you should know that we actually are nice people and we do care. We do want to hang out, but… you see… we’ve been hurt before. So it might take a couple of summers for us to observe. We need to see commitment and patience.

I personally am not Gautintolerant. My mother and wife were both born in Johannesburg, and Melrose Arch will always hold a special place in my heart. Remember that’s where Oscar once let off a round from his Glock under the table at Tasha’s. Or, as Barry Roux would put it, ‘taah-shis’.

So anyway, we wanted to put together a list of tips for our new neighbours-to-be. This is obviously not for those of you who’ve lived here for a while, this is for the freshies. We just want to save you the hassle of bumping your head.

1. If you’re working in town, traffic to the burbs starts at 15h00, Monday to Thursday. And 13h00 on Fridays. That’s probably why you’ve been telling your chinas back in GP there’s no traffic in Cape Town because you’re going home at 17h00, silly! While everyone’s already home, being amazing.
2. No meetings after 12 on a Friday. And none before Tuesday 10:30. Don’t even attempt inside that gap.
3. ‘Town’ is the CBD. ‘The other side’ is the Southern Suburbs. And ‘the other side’ when you’re on the other side, is town.
4. Buitenkant and Buitengracht are two different streets. Know the difference and say them clearly.
5. Plate changes on your car from GP to CA is highly recommended. Even though Cape Town drivers are the worst in the world, be prepared to join us and avoid the scorn. Again… let’s blend.
6. Locals don’t refer to Chapman’s Peak as ‘Chappies’. I know your cycling mates call it that – I’m just telling you it’s wrong.
7. Same thing with parliament – nobody in real life calls it ‘parly’.
8. Woolies is great, but you must branch out a bit. Don’t be scared of Pick n Pay and Checkers – they’re actually very acceptable. Cruise around a bit – there’s a lot on offer.
9. On that note, keep in mind the Pick n Pay ASAP app does late-night deliveries in Constantia. I’m talking 20h00 – 21h00, that kind of thing. Also, Uber Eats delivers convenience store stuff and booze until 21h00. And if you have the energy to leave the house, there’s obviously the 24-hour Woolies at the Meadowridge Engen.
10. You don’t have to order Debonairs anymore. You live in Cape Town. You can get Butler’s pizza now.
11. We don’t really have people around for braais from Monday to Wednesday, but if you’re invited to a braai on a Thursday or Friday, it’s encouraged to go home to shower and change before arriving, instead of going directly from the office. Work attire is offensive in the home.
12. If you can’t get to Caprice, Cafe du Cap in Newlands sells Veuve Clicquot. (Nobody else does)
13. Even if you get your kids into your ‘wishlist’ schools, you don’t need to arrive in the Lambo to show everyone you mean bizniz. Less is more in Cape Town, and besides, most of our streets struggle to fit a Fiat Picanto. You gotta blend with the old money, boykie.
14. Speaking of which, it’s actually not boykie or boytjie, it’s bru.
15. Aweh is a perfectly acceptable way to say hello or acknowledge a request.
16. I’m not sure if it’s you guys, but grown men should not be walking around shopping centres in bare feet.
17. Handling video or audio calls in public – in full-blast speaker mode, is a big no-no. This includes, but is not limited to, restaurants, coffee shops and airport lounges. We don’t need to hear your entire conversation.

Attire:
You’ve arrived in a beach paradise and shorts are going to be your go-to now. Some no no’s – cargo-style oversized pockets on the front of your shorts are for kids in the film production industry. They need the storage, you don’t.

Only do the ‘roll up’ if you have great legs. You probably don’t if you need to think about it.

It’s okay to wear swim baggies with an oversized shirt to braais, but please never wear undies under baggies on the beach. We know that chaffing is a thing, but have some self-respect.

Shirts/ Tees:
Collar popping’ is only allowed when the sun is burning your neck.

Short-sleeved button-ups are only allowed at Hawaii dress-up parties and if you farm.

Absolutely no branding allowed on your clothing. Are you sponsored? We’ll forgive the classics obviously, like crocodile and almost invisible polo player, but rather not.

Don’t wear jeans unless you are still in school, know Springsteen personally, or play in an 80’s revival band.

General upkeep:
Top knots are only permitted if you sit cross-legged, naked on the banks of the Ganges or work at Willoughby’s.

Facial hair should look accidental, but hygienic.

Vehicles:
Wrapping your car is embarrassing. Scratches reduce the value yes, but do you leave the plastic sticker on your iPhone? You do? Sad.

If you’re planning on taking a bar with you to the picnic, don’t buy those tiny cooler boxes that look like Smeg fridges, they are plastic and fit a bottle of wine and a sandwich at most.

I’m sure you have similar lists in Jo’ burg, so please accept this ‘guide’ as our way of welcoming you to the Mother City. Most of the trouble between the north and south comes down to simple miscommunication, so let’s blend and be friends.

We look forward to monitoring your progress as you are submerged in a unique vibe that can only be experienced, and not explained. Let’s have a braai… at some point.