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Public service announcement – Ben Trovato is a satirical writer and author, and his words are best enjoyed with a pinch of salt (or a case of beer, as he might suggest).

Bear that in mind before you shout from the rooftops…

If you’re a member of a community / neighbourhood Facebook group that is anything like the groups I’m on, there has been a great deal of snitching on those who aren’t playing by the rules.

It began the morning of Friday, March 27, and hasn’t stopped ever since.

Up steps Ben Trovato to take the piss, as only he can, writing on his website a few days back about how “snitches get stitches”:

The lockdown has revealed some interesting character traits in our fellow citizens. Right now, it’s Lord of the Flies on social media and people are turning on one another faster than ferrets down a Yorkshireman’s trousers.

Yes, indeed. There are a lot of sub-optimal humans out there, and I’m not even talking about the ones ignoring the lockdown. Or the security forces behaving as if they were trained by the Tonton Macoutes…

I have never seen white South Africans so demanding, judgemental and united in wanting to “do the right thing”. If only they had been this outspoken during apartheid. Facebook is awash in posts from self-appointed informants – people who were almost certainly prefects at school. In my area, a woman is asking if anyone has a drone to monitor the streets. Ideally, I imagine, a weaponised one capable of swooping in and firing poisoned darts into an errant cyclist’s back.

First, the cyclists, and then the joggers and the dog walkers and those who travel to the shops in pairs and those who don’t clap at 8PM to thank healthcare workers and those…

Well, you get the picture. Ben doesn’t take lightly to the snitches:

“Does anyone know this guy?” they shriek, posting blurry pictures of someone in the distance sitting alone on a park bench or paddling a canoe in the middle of a river. As we speak, people are dialling 10111 because they saw a neighbour walking their dog. Where I come from, snitches get stitches…

When the national grid finally fails and the water supply runs out, these same manic street preachers will get on their impeccably groomed high horses and say, “Stop moaning, there are millions in this country who live in the dark and have never seen a tap.”

And when men in Robocop outfits start smashing down doors and dragging away the artists, poets and intellectuals, they’ll say, “Just let the police do their jobs! Jeez people, the Rwandans had the genocide and they didn’t complain.”

All of this is gearing up to how law enforcement operations seem to differ from suburb to township, but Ben has a master plan:

Meanwhile, complaints are mounting that police act differently in the way they treat black and white people who violate the lockdown. This is making us look badder than we already are.

We need whiteys who are prepared to go out there and provoke the cops into giving them a light whipping to show there is equality and injustice for all, regardless of colour.

Any takers?

You can start by walking your dogs in the ‘burbs and fleeing the cops, maybe ramp things up and buy a non-essential item, and see where the vibe takes you from there.

Cheers, Ben – we needed a laugh. Given that it’s well after midday, we’ll assume you’re already a few toots deep.

You may also enjoy one of his recent posts, “It’s not a proper pandemic unless there are zombies”.

[source:bentrovato]