With a rapidly diminishing attention span and an acute allergy for anything that doesn’t resemble a screen, one can understand why SA’s pot smokers are ordering their herb online from 420monkeys.com.

But with the law decriminalising personal and private use of marijuana, which then allows for growing your own at home, coupled with our high levels of unemployment, there’s no doubt a few of our readers might want to know exactly how to do it themselves.

The simpler the instructions, the better.

Ready? Here we go.

1) So the first thing you have to do is get seeds. We’re not sure of the legalities, but you should be able to buy seeds online – from all over the world. Or maybe you have a friend coming in from Amsterdam, where they take these things very seriously. There’s also tons of people locally that sell seeds, like these guys – cannabisseeds.co.za.

Make sure you get ‘feminised’ seeds, as male seeds don’t yield heads. If you’re buying weed with a name, like ‘The Incredible Hulk’, or ‘Critical Kush’ and other varieties you’d find ready to use at 420monkeys.com, don’t be overwhelmed. The big thing to decide is whether you want a ‘sativa’ or an ‘indica’. I prefer sativa, as it gets the creative juices flowing and doesn’t render you incapable of performing small domestic tasks.

I actually had some now-now, before writing this. Hi!

Anyone who has grown anything in their life will know that it’s a pretty basic exercise. The three components are water, light, and soil. The more of those three things, the better. Quality is important, too. Go to the nursery and chat to one of the gardening pros. Ask for a quality, finer soil, best for germination and seedlings. Tell them what it’s for – don’t be shy.

Get 20 litres of that. Or – even easier – buy it online. Search for ‘cannabis soil za’.

2) Germinating your seed is the next big step. Watch this five-minute video to master the art:

Whether you’re growing indoors or outdoors, light is very important. Make sure your children are getting eight hours of sunlight a day. Don’t worry about getting fancy lights or anything like that – then you’re getting too deep for a beginner.

3) Water is essential, but overwatering is a common mistake amongst newbies. If you’re wondering about when and when not to water, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are the leaves a nice dark green, or are they getting light in colour, or even yellow?
• Do they look happy? Are they strong? Or pathetic and weak – like you? Are they vibrant, rigid, and strong?

The best method of all is to stick your finger in the soil a few centimetres. Is it moist or bone dry? Moist good, bone dry bad. Slightly dry at the top, but moist below – also fine.

4) Keep that going until your plant starts to produce heads. Once the heads start to form, you should know when to start harvesting. This is very much a visual signal. Check out the telltale signs here.

Then, when it’s time, you can use this two-minute video showing how to harvest marijuana.

Then you cure it, like this.

Then you show off to your friends.

That last part seems tricky, but I’ll leave you to it.

It all depends on how much time you have on your hands. I’d probably be click-click-clicking the monkeys before my first harvesting sesh kicks in.