This year was my first Oppikoppi. I went as press, but I had a lot of fun. I can’t believe what I’ve been missing all these years.

I know you’re dying to know, so these were the best performances that I saw: Bittereinder, Michelle Shocked, Sipho “Hotstix” Mabuse, Not My Dog, and Mr Cat and the Jackal.

Before going, I obviously read up a lot on what to expect (Natalie Roos’s blog was quite useful in this regard), and especially, what not to forget at home. The Oppikoppi organisers also had an impressive shopping list of instructions and advice.

I was quite prepared – but then again, not prepared enough. There were some things that I only found out once I got there, and I wish someone had told me this before.

Don’t bring cash

Apparently this was the first Oppikoppi were they forfeited cash for a weird card-based system. What basically happened is that I had to go to something called the Bushveld Bank, and was given a card where I was told I could either put money on it from my credit card, or cash. I did have cash on me, but that particular line was ridiculously long.

I actually don’t understand why they didn’t just stick to cash (perhaps something to do with a big sponsorship from Standard Bank?) because the card system didn’t solve anything as far as I could see. The cards are all identical, save for a tiny number on it. But there is no way that the system ties in a card to any individual. Neither does it have a PIN number. It you lose it, you’re screwed. Exactly the same as having cash.

If they decide to keep the card system for next year, don’t do what I did and draw a fat wad of cash in town. The system isn’t clever, but then again, neither is wandering about with hundreds of rands in notes which you can’t use.

Do your exploring in the first day

Especially if you’re a newbie. Go check out all five stages. Find where the bog and showers (if you’re in the media/band area) are. Find out where your friends are camped.

It sounds like something that people with common sense will know, but you don’t do it. You get so caught up with the main stage and the beer garden, you forget to have a look around.

I only went to the top bar on the very last day. The party up there is huge and energetic, and I damn near missed it completely.

The cold is exaggerated, but the dust definitely isn’t

“Nah, I can’t be that bad,” I said to my friends when they warned about the dust, the cold and the potholes on the way there. It really is that fucking dusty. Especially if you’re going to be staying in Mordor. And if you take the R511 from Brits to Northam, you will have to negotiate potholes the size of a car’s bonnet.

But it isn’t that cold. You’ll need two jackets, and an extra blanket for sleeping, but you won’t freeze to death. Besides, if you notice the cold, you aren’t drunk enough.

Bring an extra pair of jeans, and eye drops for your poor, chapped eyes. Also, Wet Wipes aren’t enough. Bring a beach towel as well. If you’re going to get especially grubby, Wet Wipes will just make you slightly damp and dirty. You’ll need a towel to remove the worst of the dust from your face.

Kreef Hotel is for the weak

Bring your own tent, mattress, sleeping bag, booze and fire wood. It’s more fun.

Don’t bother with the funny hats

Seriously. Someone out there will have a bigger, dumber and more retarded outfit than you can think of.

I’m kind of glad that the pith helmets at Big Blue were sold out when I went to buy one for Oppikoppi.

The best acts to see won’t be the big, international ones

Maybe I’m a little biased, but I don’t think much of Sum41 and The Used. I’ve never been a fan. The best performances I saw weren’t even (mostly) on the main stage. I really like the Skellum Stage. It’s small, acoustic and very intimate. If you had a press pass and stood in the pit, you could look right up into Michelle Shocked’s nostrils from down there.

Leave goddamn early on Monday morning

It’s not the getting out of the camp, or the town that’s irritating thing here. It’s the long queue of traffic all the way back to the highway. You should have your shit together and be on the move by 08:00 on Monday morning. Otherwise you’ll be stuck behind some slow doos all the way to the highway.

Oh, and did I mention taking leave on Monday?