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Don’t make me think you’re dead inside and try to have fun reading this, OK?

You don’t have to work as a content marketer to have a general idea of what some of the job entails.

The hashtags, the influencers you see punting products on their Instagram accounts, the competitions and giveaways that you keep on entering without success – content marketing, friends.

Ever wondered what the ‘shipwreck diary of a content marketer’ would look like? You don’t have to, thanks to McSweeney’s. Some of our favourite bits below:

Day 1

Today was my first full shipwrecked day after our ship hit some sharp rocks a half mile offshore. What started out as a team-building trip to the Cook Islands has turned into a true nightmare. #OnlySurvivor #PleaseSendHelp #SurvivalSundays #HolisticRescueMarketing

Day 2

As far as I can tell, there are no other influencers on this island. If I am going to get rescued, I will have to create a truly incredible content marketing campaign.

Day 3

The freshwater source I discovered yesterday turned out to be clickbait. It became clear that the island’s goat population uses this water source as a communal toilet.

Day 8

I lit the island’s forest on fire as a shareable social media stunt, but no planes flew over the island today.

Day 10

Six planes have flown over the island since I launched my “Ten Reasons To Rescue Me ASAP” campaign. Zero of those planes have rescued me. That is a very disappointing 0% engagement among pilots. It is time to expand my marketing strategy and include some multimedia content.

Day 12

My body aches from the blazing heat. I am famished because food has been hard to come by. A seagull pecked me right in the eye while I was scanning the coastline for ships. The good news is that I am now officially a Brand Ambassador for Being Marooned™.

Day 14

I have created a homemade CB radio and will now be broadcasting a daily podcast called Stranded. The podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the fast and easy way to publish a high-quality website or blog. Use code STRANDED at checkout for 10% off.

Day 21

I saw a wild boar today who looked like a real thought leader. When I asked the large pig if it had read my island newsletter, it angrily charged at me with its large tusks. Any feedback is good feedback I suppose, but I can’t seem to stop the bleeding.

Day 24

Good news, I partnered with a local parrot population and they agreed to promote my content. Native advertising, baby! I taught them each to say, “I am a millennial and I am interested in seeing the rescue of a man trapped on an island in the South Pacific.”

How does this one end? Day 27, and that goat population mentioned earlier has gone rogue:

I hear the clatter of a thousand hooves coming toward my shelter. #FindMeFriday #RealLifeLOST #ContentSynergy #Brandivation #HereComeTheGoats #OhGodHereTheyC

RIP, influencer. You went out mid-hashtag, which is exactly what you would have wanted.

[source:mcsweeneys]