After the video emerged of NFL player Ray Rice punching his wife in an elevator, the topic of domestic abuse has been reignited on the internet, and an anonymous author has written an article on the Daily Beast about her experiences at home.

The author, a mother of two at the time of the incident, explains that while, her husband showed acts of violence towards her, she wasn’t able to leave him.

I believed I’d have one over on him—a sort of “Get Out of Jail Free Card,” almost literally on his part—and somehow I thought that upper hand might serve me well later on.

But I felt like a phony; on the outside, a strong woman raising strong daughters, and yet secretly married to a man who I’d castrate with my own bare hands if my girls ended up with anyone like him.

Then I got pregnant again.

The author explains that her guilt to ensure her children had a normal parental environment to live in resulted in her staying with the man, but inevitably doing that was the opposite of what was required.

A single mom with three kids is like a death sentence, the extra child just enough to make any more kids seem terribly overwhelming.

I stayed with him for five more years before I could finally bring myself to leave. Yes, five loveless, lonely, but quiet years, mostly due to my own complacency and learned ability to compromise for my kids’ sake and our safety.

Check out the full story on The Daily Beast.