ThinkGeek.com, one of the greatest online stores ever to have existed in the civilisation of humankind, is selling Canned Unicorn meat (“a great source of sparkles!”).

Let’s just enjoy that for a moment.

Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don’t know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn’s coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.

As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn’s outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.

Hell, they’ve got me sold.

But there’s more!

Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat Specifications

• Limited availability
• 14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
• Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland
• Crunchy horn bits in every bite – an excellent source of Calcium
• Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness
• Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d’oeuvres, and more
• Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties
• Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol
• Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they’re healthy as horses

Now look carefully at the next picture.

Notice the phrase, “the new white meat“? Well that’s where it gets WAY more interesting.

Apparently the National Pork Board (the American one) is threatening ThinkGeek with legal action over the sparkly delecacy. I got this in an email from the ThinkGeek Overlords.

We’re not sure if you heard, but ThinkGeek recently got a 12-page cease & desist letter. Apparently the lawyers of the National Pork Board believe that we sell meat made from geriatric unicorns fattened on candy corn and rubbed down with Guinness by nuns in Ireland. They’re in a tizzy because we called it “The New White Meat.” The best part was when our lawyer explained they were a month behind on an April Fool’s joke.

And besides, who does more to promote the consumption of bacon than us? We should demand compensation for all the marketing we do for the magical animal known as the pig.

It’s true. ThinkGeek sells a lot of bacon products. Like bacon soap, bacon gumballs, bacon mints, talking strips of bacon, bacon lip balm, bacon flavoured envelopes…Ja, muchos bacon.

I reckon you better order your Unicorn Meat on the ASAP before the NPB financially ruins those lovely Unicorn-raising nuns.

And remember, there’s:

Huzzah!