[Image: Flickr]
Time flies like a toupée in the wind, and for those born in the early eighties, it’s time to have a go at a midlife crisis.
If you’re new to the forties, you may judge the experience by what your parents went through, except these days it takes way more effort than buying a coupe and talking your partner into a foursome with the neighbours.
Yes, millennials are facing their existential meltdowns a little differently than previous generations.
The warning signs that older millennials are going through an existential breakdown can also be a little tougher to identify than in previous generations. More than that, 81% of millennials claim they can’t afford a midlife crisis, while more than half claimed they simply don’t have the time for one.
Mind you, the classic old midlife crisis is still here and thriving – it just got faster, stronger, and trendier. Check out The Independent list of go-to millennial coping mechanisms to see if that restlessness you’ve been feeling might mean an evening of jacuzzi-lovin at the neighbours might come sooner than you think.
High intensity pursuits
Quite possibly the closest thing polite society has to a socially accepted cult, fitness freaks will turn to anything in an effort to avoid having time to question the meaning of life. Honourable mentions for existential crisis activities go to rock climbing, padel and, of course, cycling.
Taking a trip to Turkey
It starts with preventative Botox, and it ends with a return flight to Istanbul for a hair transplant. Having thousands of tiny holes punctured in your scalp and filled with new follicles for a discount price overseas is now the mode du jour.
Becoming an internet warrior
Karens aren’t born; they evolve. And many millennials who become deeply unsatisfied with life find that the place to vent their frustrations is online. The signs are subtle at first, maybe a needlessly savage remark left in an influencer’s comment section on Instagram. But soon could follow an anonymous X or Reddit account – or worse, a podcast – where the true fire, fury, and conspiracy theories will be unleashed.
Ice baths
Cate Blanchett loves them, Jennifer Aniston swears by them, but a sudden penchant for ice baths could signify a well of sadness inside that even a vat of arctic temperature water can’t freeze over. Anyone who goes wild swimming in the depths of winter is probably trying to numb something beyond their toes, too.
Divorce memoirs
Eat Pray Love really did a number on balding and overweight husbands whose wives were just waiting for the kids to leave for Stellenbosch University. Bookshop shelves these days are bursting with memoirs and autofiction about women emerging from the embers of their break-ups ready to start their midlife anew. This genre boom could just be literary escapism. Or an instruction manual.
Getting a bit too into streetwear
If we’ve learnt anything from Rishi Sunak’s Adidas Samba fiasco, it’s that a mistimed pair of trainers can send alarm bells ringing through the nation. There’s nothing wrong with a sprinkling of streetwear brands in a carefully curated wardrobe – just probably not in combination with, or in lieu of, a suit. Nobody wants to hear their manager claiming they’ve “really gotten into gorpcore” while rocking a pair of Salomons with a tailored trouser.
Moving to Australia
“Catch flights, not feelings,” is undoubtedly the millennial equivalent to “live, laugh, love”, and there’s nowhere getting more expat action from those wanting to Peter Pan it up for a few more years than Australia. Nearly 50,000 people moved down under from the UK on a working holiday visa last year in the hope that life’s problems would remain nine hours behind them if they legged it to the opposite end of the earth.
Psychedelic retreats
Whether it’s downing a mug of ceremonial Ayahuasca tea in South America or, for those too genteel to throw their guts up, hopping on a flight to Amsterdam for a legal five-day-long guided mushroom retreat, “finding yourself” is now apparently about losing yourself. In 2025, there’s always at least one 40-plus-year-old lurking in the corner of a party waiting to tell someone how a shaman changed their life. Don’t let it be you.
Sleep tech
Going to sleep at night used to mean just sliding under the covers and turning the light off. Yet, thanks to the Bryan Johnson-ification of bedtime, everyone is sticking on their mouth tape, strapping on their Whoop bands and firing up their Oura rings to track not only how long they’ve rested but just how hard they’ve hit REM sleep, alongside a smorgasbord of other biohacking data.
A sudden over-investment in astrology
Whether the chaos in your life is allegedly coming from a solar eclipse or a Mercury retrograde, running to a therapist is often replaced with turning to a tarot card reader. Even a medium would do in a pinch for those who still put stock in the tarot nonsense. Desperate times, eh?
While all of this does sound very familiar (everyone has a friend who’s doing at least five of these things), it also sounds terribly exhausting. Mostly, though, midlife crisis doesn’t even sound fun anymore.
[Source: The Independent]
