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Chrissy Teigen opened up in a vulnerable Instagram post, sharing how the ‘dark’ times she’s been through have made her fear living her best life.

In a May 24 Instagram post, the 38-year-old mother, model and author documented herself doing a log crossing with an emotional message about what the challenge had helped her realise.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model opened up about being “so terrified to fall again in life” and feeling like a “shrunken version of myself”, per PEOPLE.

“I did this log crossing a few years ago when I last came here, when I was struggling mentally. It was incredibly hard then,” she wrote. “My feet felt like they were 1,000 pounds each, my body tensed up to the point I felt like I was in a car crash after coming down.”

The mom of four said she thought it would be “so different” this time around, noting, “While I still struggle mentally, I thought I could make the pain go away by relaxing my body, breathing and just taking in and enjoying what I was doing.”

“I thought that since I have seen times that were so dark since the last time I did this, that I would be fearless on this god d**n thing. But I’m still so scared,” she wrote in part on Instagram.

“Then I realized I now live my whole life so scared,” she said.

 

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In 2020, the star –  who shares kids Luna, 8, son Miles, 6, Esti, 16 months, and Wren, 11 months, with husband John Legend –  lost her unborn son Jack at 20 weeks due to complications with the pregnancy.

“I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts,” Teigen continued. “I feel like a very shrunken version of myself. And I know I am meant to be big.”

She said she often finds herself in an internal battle over the expectation to be amazing but also honest, and authentic:

“I’m really scared of letting you guys down and I find myself fighting with myself all day in my brain with things I want to say, things I want to explain, but I’m just so fearful.”

Teigen wrote that she misses “so many parts of myself,” adding: “I hope one day I can shed some fear and accept that I will never be perfect for you guys and that is okay!!”

 

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The Cravings cookbook author has previously been open about her mental health journey, revealing she tried ketamine therapy for her 38th birthday in November, per Daily Mail.

She recalled that she “saw space and time and baby jack and some weird penguins and cried and cried and cried.

“Then laid with my babies, then hot pot, then hung with my best friend,” added Teigen.

Using low doses of ketamine, a ‘dissociative anaesthetic’, has been shown to help manage certain mental health conditions such as depression, according to the US Drug Enforcement Agency. The DEA also notes that ketamine “has some hallucinogenic effects,” including distorted “perceptions of sight and sound”, which may explain Trippy Teigen.

Teigen was revealed this month as one of four cover models for Sports Illustrated’s 2024 Swimsuit Issue, along with Gayle King, Kate Upton and Hunter McGrady.

 

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[source:people]