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Whenever I see the words “Live, Laugh, Love” written on a wooden plank on someone’s living room wall, I want to set the building on fire.

Whether you’re in a yoga studio or the doctor’s office waiting room or scrolling through social media, positive affirmations encouraging you to ‘live your best life’ can be found almost everywhere.

But what if you don’t like choosing happy vibes today? Fortunately, there is someone who is pushing back against this “toxic positivity”, and I dare say that I have found my new spirit animal.

Mental health advocate and author Dave Tarnowski turned that positivity on its head when he launched his Disappointing Affirmations Instagram account in July 2022. It went viral and now has more than 2 million followers.

 

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A post shared by Dave Tarnowski (@disappointingaffirmations)

Tarnowski’s new book, “Disappointing Affirmations: Unfollow your dreams!” expands on his social media musings, pairing photos he’s taken of serene landscapes — waterfalls, dramatic coastlines, sunsets and the like — with some of his viral Instagram posts and new sayings.

Tarnowski said he hopes the sayings will resonate with anyone who bristles at relentless toxic positivity, explaining in his book that “negative thoughts should be examined, not chased away.” Those feelings need affirming, too, he said.

“You can do it! But you probably won’t”

“Stop overthinking. You are the only one who cares”

“It’s okay to have feelings. But do you need to have so many?”

Tarnowski, who said he has dealt with depression, bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), found that channelling a mantra that it’s ‘OK to not be OK’ helped him approach his struggles with a healing pragmatism he hopes can help others.

I’m making light of the darkness by shining a light into it. I think I really started understanding my own darkness when I was officially diagnosed as bipolar. As I started reading up on the disorder, I saw myself everywhere.

They say, “Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed,” and maybe that’s true for others, but I’ve found life to be very disappointing, says Tarnowski.

 

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A post shared by Dave Tarnowski (@disappointingaffirmations)

And the man has a good point. We often use these positive affirmations to hide behind, simply because acknowledging that, yes, life sucks sometimes, feels like giving up. Tarnowski believes that when you find yourself in the “sh*it tunnel” of depression, just let it do its thing.

“There’s a sort of radical self-acceptance that came to me over the past couple of years. It goes from fear of not being good enough to accepting yourself exactly as you are. Even if that means accepting you’re never going to be good enough.”

Tarnowski says “My vulnerability used to feel like weakness to me, but I know it’s a huge strength. I wouldn’t have been able to unlock the power of the things I thought were weaknesses without years of talking it through during therapy and accepting myself.”

“I don’t knock positive affirmations at all — I knock toxic positivity. Disappointing Affirmations aren’t just photo negatives of positive affirmations. They are steeped in stark realism and in many cases outright nihilism. I am not the most positive person, but I do know what doesn’t work for me — and that’s affirmations trying to brainwash me to believe things are different than they really are.”

The people who get it and get the book, they might not know the exact story behind one of these disappointing affirmations, but they’re going to feel seen by it. And that’s one of the most important things to Tarnowski.

I’m sort of being the person I wish had been there for me when I was a kid.

Wooden planks from Mr Price Home that tell you to “Choose Happiness” make it feel like everyone has that choice. We don’t always, and often it makes us feel worse for feeling unhappy. Life is hard, and sometimes it can really suck.

That’s okay. Just roll with it.

[source:cnn]