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Sea Point is slowly shedding the sordid exterior it wore for a decade of madness. The once lawless Sodom and Gomora filled with pimps and junkies has been flushed clean by a high-pressure hose into the charming high-end seaside hub that its geographic positioning suggests it should be.

This is particularly true of the Bantry Bay end of Regent Road, which has emerged as an authentic, high-street alternative to the mall at the Waterfront. My own view is that the Waterfront should be cordoned off and reserved for blue-rinsed tourists pouring off cruise ships and the RET faction of parliament who refuse to dress in anything unless it possesses a label in large shiny letters that may as well read ‘I LACK TASTE AND SENSE.’  Malls should remain a constant reminder of why you left Joberg or never moved there in the first place.

This transformation is understandable given Sea Point’s proximity to the expensive tastes and overflowing wallets that reside in the exclusive seaside suburbs of the Atlantic Seaboard.  The number of facelifts and body reconstructions taking place on buildings in the area are only rivalled by those being performed on their occupants.  Although I am not sure this shiny new exterior has meant less sex or drugs, perhaps they are just more expensive and better looking.

Sea Point is an ideal destination for those on a ‘City break’ or hayseeds in search of urbane sophistication. The promenade is a wonderful stroll filled with fine views of the sea, the mountain and the scantily clad locals taking their exercise.  If you fancy a swim, the Sea Point Pavilion is an Olympic-sized pool adjacent to the sea which has somehow avoided being ruined by a greedy developer. Tanned German pensioners who can’t believe their luck laze and chat in the sun while self-flagellating triathletes and extremists plough up and down staring at the black lines.

A popular cold water swimming alternative is at Saunders Rock, where hipsters and trendies psych up for the day with a healthy plunge into the freezing Atlantic.  Models in bikinis warm up on the surrounding rocks like cold-blooded praying mantises. People sip coffee walking to and fro, while the homeless look on, bemused.

Cosmopolitan restaurants abound in Sea Point. Treats sip tequila and puff seductively on vapes (oxymoron?) at tables outside the Mexican before crossing the road for a curated pasta at the new Italian spot and then head elsewhere for a gelato. Decent Greek, Indian and Asian fusion eateries are packed with the beautiful and the damned who have nothing better to worry about than lust and the group bum who never buys a round.  Only the younger tourists venture here, and adventurous foreign accents are audible in the buzz of a warm evening in high summer before the sun sets just before nine.  Fortunately, the blue rinse tourists dine at the Waterfront, or on the generic buffet aboard the cruise ship, terrified of the dangers of Africa.

Youths queue for hours to be seen at a breakfast at Jarryd’s and the hot beef on rye at Kleinsky’s rivals any Manhattan deli.  Scheckter’s raw caters for the vegans.  You can even belt out karaoke if you objectively regard your ability to rehash pop songs outside of the shower as a strength.  The Paris in Cape Town patisserie down the drag does a fine croque monsieur while churning out the usual Francophile favourites, while Turks from Istanbul offer something different from across the Bosporus.

If you decide to spend the night in Sea Point, or anywhere near the city bowl, for that matter, Pineapple House Boutique Hotel is the classiest place on the strip.  It is as if Rupert and Lesley Sykes broke a corner off the Mount Nelson and transported it over Signal Hill to Sea Point on a giant kite sail during a raging south easter.

Like the Mount Nelson, the Pineapple House sports a pink exterior, albeit in a lighter, more tasteful shade.  It’s the colour of a salmon pink cotton shirt which has seen a couple of seasons in the washing machine.  The architectural style has links to the Edwardian period. We would love to see more of this era protected in this area where most influencers have abandoned any form of history in favour of generic glass blocks devoid of style.  Somehow it reminds me of the hotel where they made The Birdcage although there is no architectural similarity. Perhaps it’s the pink and the style?

The décor at the Pineapple has achieved the rare simultaneous combination of vibrant and tasteful.  There is a soupçon of Afro chic to remind us of where we are, and walls are covered with flamingo wallpapers and in warm reds and blues.  Money has been spent on tiles and things that last. It is located on Irwinton Road, just behind the high street within walking distance of all the amenities.

An owner-managed good morning smile is also more authentic than an employee and since COVID, far more desperate to please.  It is rare to get a natural advantage these days, so when you find one for free – jump all over it.

I favour a boutique hotel over something larger set in a high rise and run by a conglomerate. Boutiques intentionally curate more personal experiences.  There are small touches all over this hostelry to make your stay special.  The white towels have pineapples embroidered into them and guests receive a free pair of stylish jim-jams to remember their dirty weekend by.

 

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It is time we addressed the Pineapple in the room.  It is well known, particularly in this area, that the pineapple is the international symbol for Swingers, though I am assured by the owners that they named their hotel and formulated this brand before they found out about this happy coincidence.

The genesis of the idea has more to do with the pineapple perched on top of the Wimbledon Gentlemen’s Singles trophy and Rupert’s continued fascination with the beautiful game. The official line here is that consenting swingers are welcome to come for a drink and to get their photograph taken at the iconic venue. We may even sell them a cap. Although, we would all prefer it if they would carry on their sordid business somewhere else. Some of the big brand hotels are doing amazing specials on water beds these days.

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