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Alex de Bruin, with a little help from Mr. Rotherham, has graced us with a list of crucial do’s and don’ts to help navigate this December holidays. Some of these goes without saying, but there are a few that bear repeating.

Some confirm our disdain for cycling shorts, while others espouse the perks of getting a colonoscopy.

Whatever you gel with, take some notes on how to be lekker this summer, and avoid being called a nat poep.

Do’s

Rent your house out to suckers from out of town – make hay while the sun shines
Belt out some carols around the table
Make short amusing speeches after dinner
Swim in the cold sea – except where there is effluent
Trawl the kelp for octopi and then befriend one
Drink Rose and ice this summer – it is the new Aperol Spritz
Watch the SA20 – it may have ruined test cricket, but this vacuous cacophony is all the live cricket you are going to get
Invite people over who have nowhere else to go unless they have a criminal record or have escaped from Valkenberg
Get a Colonoscopy (Dr. Jacques Badenhorst is your man)
Visit a dermatologist and wear a hat
Leave voice notes – if you understand the rules of engagement
Befriend an advocate – they can be helpful
Go to an outdoor music concert at Café Roux in Noordhoek – it’s a vibe
Greet people in the street as if you live in a village
Embrace diversity – the Springboks have showed us why it is the way forward
Wear expressive clothes in African prints – embrace our rich cultural diversity
Read books
Talk to old people – they are wise in most things apart from tech
Play card games and charades
Walk in nature
Be authentic – trying to be someone else is ridiculous
Learn isiXhosa or isiZulu
Meditate – it makes you smarter
Switch off, log off, give your brain a break
Figure out how to do what you always wanted to do and make a living out of it
Go to the bush – rediscover nature
Give to charity

Dont’s

Don’t worry about what other people think
Phone people to check in if they are available – how do you know what thery’re doing right now?
Road Rage – Its absolutely pointless
Tell people about your morning routine
Don’t try to be cool – it is an oxymoron
Don’t wear tie-dye – unless you live in Noordhoek, Kommetjie or a verified commune
Don’t climb virtual ladders – we are watching you
Don’t watch the news – it’s all bad
Don’t be pretentious about wine – swishing it around like mouthwash is ridiculous
Don’t mix booze and gummies – it will end badly
Craft beer has had its time in the sun
Speedos are reserved for swimming competitions and Clifton Three
Don’t get invasive plastic surgery unless you have done your research
Don’t dress 30 when you are 65 – age gracefully
Never drive your Ferrari down the Camps Bay strip
Rich Blessers – please stop cradle snatching – it’s embarrassing
Don’t kiss and tell
Don’t cancel or out
Swallows – don’t moan about our service delivery – we like your taxes not your attitude
Don’t let people pull the wool over your eyes – stand up for yourselves ffs
Don’t cycle too much – it is just a perverted excuse to wear spandex and spend hours away from the family
Never talk to non-cyclists or non-padel ‘players’ about cycling, padel, strava, your tent at a multistage race, your cod piece, merkin or any of that kak – we are not interested
Don’t stress about putting on a little weight – you will lose it when you get your credit card statement
Don’t outsource parenting to a game on your phone
Don’t get into debt – it’s how bankers get rich
Don’t show off – ever, unless you are a comedian
Don’t talk about your money, the value of your house or your car – we don’t care
Avoid malls at all costs

Now go forth and have a great holiday!