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If you ever found yourself in the same loveboat as Rick Springfield and wished that you had Jessie’s girl, you are not alone and possibly not that bad a friend.

At some point in our lives, many of us may have looked at the partner of a good friend and become very understanding about their reasons for liking them. Maybe too understanding in some cases.

Instead of flagellating yourself for being a scoundrel, you can rest assured that it’s all just psychological, and there’s even a name for it: “Mimetic desire.”

The term was coined by the French philosopher René Girard, who came up with it based on his own experience of “desire according to another”. Even before him, Plato and Aristotle also spoke of this ‘phenomenon’.

Girard’s thesis was that anything desired by another person immediately becomes more desirable, almost like we “borrow” it from one another. He referred to this imitation stage as “mimesis” which becomes “mimetic desire” once the person decides that they want what someone else has.

Girard wrote that “those who emulate the desires of others are ensuring for themselves lives of perpetual strife and rivalry with those whom they simultaneously hate and admire.” If these feelings start getting in the way of your friendship, and your buddy becomes an enemy in your head, then it becomes “mimetic rivalry”.

It echoes some of the results of a study into ‘gaze cuing’, which simply means if we look at something, other will be more inclined to look at it as well, and also more favourably inclined towards whatever we are looking at.

“We use the gaze of others to help us evaluate the potential value of objects in the world.”

I’m no scientician, but this feels like the theory that underpins our ‘influencer culture’. But back to you checking out your besties bae.

The most everyday version of mimetic desire are often romantic, and a famous example was Eric Clapton’s obsession with his best friend and Beatle George Harrison’s wife Pattie Boyd, a desire he expressed in his song Layla. She eventually left Harrison for him but after her relationship with Clapton ended, she attributed his lust for her to wanting what his friend had.

In his autobiography, Clapton confirmed her theory, saying that he “coveted Pattie because she belonged to a powerful man who seemed to have everything I wanted.” Scoundrel.

Harrison had his own moment of mimetic desire when he had an affair with bandmate Ringo Starr’s wife, Maureen, so perhaps he got over Eric stealing his girl. By stealing someone else’s girl.

“Mimetic desire exists because we are social beings who are constantly building and creating our identity,” Barbara Burt, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and program chair at the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Phoenix in Arizona.

“It is often hard for people to resist the lure of mimetic desire and it can even be insatiable because it is hardwired in our biology to have a sense of belonging.”

This is because as humans, we are safer in a group, which has historically put us at an advantage for survival. Stephen Benning, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, agrees that it may be useful for maintaining group cohesion, but “when they result in a person indulging in activities or trends that violate their values, mimetic desires would be problematic.”

He sees status as a driver as human beings are social and hierarchical, therefore we are compelled to achieve, to become the “best one” in our social group and enhance our social standing. According to the prof, however, if a friend’s partner is not attractive to the group, then they are unlikely to improve their status.

Mimetic desire is likely a product of multiple factors, so the fact that Jessie’s girl is hotter than yours might not be the only reason you want her so bad.

One aspect that is pointed out is the increase of mimetic desire in people who have not created a strong ‘identity’. If you have a strong sense of yourself and your principles and beliefs are well established, you tend to not want everything someone else has. There’s a deeper lesson in there somewhere.

Even though desire is a central part of our human existence, friendships also provide us safety and status so it is important to hold your relationships above any ‘want’ or ‘lust’ you may have for a chom’s partner. Your desire for that person might even fade once their partner loses interest, so the grass is just greener at the moment because it’s on the other side of the fence.

It’s a messy business being human, but unless you want to make a real mess out of your life, perhaps the next time you start ogling your friend’s partner, you need to take a step back and consider that it may just be a trick of psychology.

Your friendship with Jessie is worth it.

[source:ifls]