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People are incredibly complicated, and this fact is made all the more obvious when speaking to people who haven’t had sex.

The reasons people don’t ever seal the deal, from those aged 19 to 52, are vast and various, making you realise how massive the human spectrum of lived experience is.

While a lot of people “lose their virginity” – my word, I hate this phrase. Can’t it be less sad and more empowering; I’ve bloomed/taken the plunge/popped my rocks are all far better ways of expressing this milestone – in their late teens, some people just never do.

Almost everybody has done it – surveys in the US and Britain suggest that between 95% and 99% of 30-year-olds have had sex at least once. Yet VICE, notes that for that “remaining minority, navigating the tumultuous waters of a sex-obsessed society – and the stigma of being a virgin – is a unique challenge”.

Indeed, one’s relationship with sex is knotted by myriad factors like mental health, trauma, and religion. For some, carrying around the “virgin” label only adds to their fears of being ridiculed or abandoned, while for others, having sex is simply not a priority.

As such, we’re delving into the lives of real-life virgins to find out how they feel and what they experience.

19-year-old Alan‘s self-awareness will give you a little tear of empathy for those trying to navigate the world of love and sex while on the spectrum. He has autism and struggles to “talk to people without stuttering and tripping over my words and not getting things to come out properly”, which he knows isn’t a good look. He may be bisexual, as well, but that doesn’t mean he’s keen to get it on with just anyone, viewing sex as a special bond between two people rather:

“I have this fear that I’m gonna be 45, 35, and living alone. I have always wanted to have something when I die, and to have children. I do like to fantasise about that – about having some sort of relationship in the future, with some sort of idealised version of myself. Watching people have those experiences and seeing me in the back not doing any of that makes me feel like I’m kinda behind.

I’m not one of those incel people who blame it on the women. This is a me problem. It’s just that I have trouble talking to people I have feelings for. I do think that eventually, I will find somebody. I’m not Debbie Downer. I’m really not even that lonely. I feel emotions very intensely, but I can’t always get them out there. And one thing I guess has always kinda worried me is that I’ll like somebody but I won’t be able to tell them that.”

We’re gunning for you, Alan.

“The pressure for women and girls to have sex is definitely something that’s impressed upon us by a lot of our male or male-presenting peers,” says 25-year-old Emma, who has decided that she’s rather going to go at her own pace:

“When it comes to romantic stuff, I am very much a slow cooker. I’m a pot roast that you put in for eight hours; I’m not a bag of popcorn that you can throw in the microwave. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of that. When I get married, it’ll happen. If I’m content never getting married, then I’m content never getting married.”

Meanwhile, Klaas, 31, is far less self-assured, and that, it turns out, is what has held him back from making love:

“I [sic] have very low self-esteem, close to no confidence, and self-destructive behaviour, and have convinced myself that I’m not worthy of a relationship.

…”For myself, not having sex does have some importance, but it’s not the main problem. It’s the lack of intimacy, feeling desired, and the overall loneliness.

Klaas says only his parents and brother know that he hasn’t been initiated, and is debating whether or not to just make it happen already with an escort, thinking that “Maybe it will give me more confidence and remove some insecurities.”

Nigel, 44, says that everything in his life is mostly fine – “I’m financially stable, I love what I do, I’ve got lots of hobbies, I make friends really easily.” – but hold women’s ideal of men on a high pedestal:

“I think I have this notion of what I think women are looking for, at least physically, and I don’t really think that I have the traits that would make me competitive relative to other men. Now, I know that from a logical standpoint, the only thing that’s holding me back is me. I just feel like I wouldn’t want to have to wade through a sea of rejection to get to that.”

Nigel admits to driving people away from him before they reject him so that he can defend his feelings and recognises that he is emotionally stunted for not allowing rejection to carve out his edges. He also knows that he is not a complete loser, but his self-perspective as the “supporting cast for everyone else around me” and not the main character doesn’t do much to propel him forward.

Then, there’s 52-year-old Michael who is fine with sex by himself but misses that deeper connection with someone else:

“At some point, I decided the main goal of dating apps and websites is to separate lonely people from their money. So I deleted all my profiles. I don’t think I have a problem speaking to people. I think my problem is I never learned how close relationships work. It’s kinda scary. You think you’re just gonna be humiliated by it. I don’t know if the right person is out there that’s gonna be willing to be patient enough with my saying I don’t know what to do.”

As someone with depression, he finds it hard not to feel like a victim:

There was always a year where I would tell myself, “This year’s gonna be the year, things are gonna be different”, and then nothing’s ever different. It could lead to a level of frustration, depression, misogyny. It’s really unfair to be angry at the world, or at least half the world’s population, because I’m not getting what I want.

Sadly, Michael has resigned to never finding his person and is doing his best to get on with things under these circumstances.

Gosh, the stories people tell themselves can make a world of difference. I know some people scoff at the idea of affirmations in the morning, and I am not posing as a professional dishing out advice here, but it is one way to re-narrativise and change your mind for the better.

Stories are powerful, and you might as well make sure you’re telling yourself a good, healthy one.

[source:vice]