[imagesource:wikicommons]

Gwyneth Paltrow seems to have gone a bit goopy in the head from steaming her yoni one too many times, or perhaps she simply forgot to remove her ‘conductive carbon healing stickers’ before sitting down to spill the beans on how her exes performed in bed.

Yes, that was a multi-pronged stab at the purveyor of ‘useless quackery’, so while I slowly withdraw my stabby instrument laced with common sense, it might be appropriate to first discuss what the Goop Queen had to say this time.

Appearing on Call Her Daddy, Paltrow chatted about her previous relationships, including Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. More specifically, she went on to discuss how the men who somehow managed to survive her loving, performed in bed – a question she found ‘hard’ to answer.

“Brad was like the sort of major chemistry, love of your life, kind of, at the time and then Ben was, like, technically excellent.”

Doubling down on the sexist double standards of rating your ex-partner’s lovemaking ability on a public platform, the lady who gave the world the ‘Smells like my Vagina Candle’ dished more dirt, casually played a game of F*ck, Marry, Kill.

Obviously, someone has to be f*cked, married, and killed so Paltrow included her ex-husband Chis Martin in the fun game. Predictably she chose Martin as the one to marry, Brad as the pomp, and poor Ben had to be content with being killed. “Ben, yeah, god bless him.”

Poor Affleck. At least he has J-Lo to help him get over the memory of dating Paltrow. She does, however, seem to still pine after Brad, and revealed that she only broke off the engagement because she ‘had a lot of development to do’.

“Looking back in hindsight, in a lot of ways, I didn’t really fully start to come into myself until I was 40 years old… And I had such a pleasing issue. I didn’t really even understand how to listen to my instincts and act from that place.”

Righto Paltrow, thanks for sharing. You can watch the entire ‘interview’ below.

 

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We won’t delve too deeply into the response this interview would have received if Brad or Ben had to sit around and discuss which of their exes was the best lay.

We also won’t rehash anything about the actor/entrepreneur’s smug appearance during her recent court appearance/fashion show. That would be mean as she already lost half a day’s skiing over the globally watched ordeal.

Perhaps the less said about Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop the better. After all, we wouldn’t want to make the water sad (yes, that’s a ‘Goop fact’).

All this Paltrow talk has given me a migraine. Perhaps I should shove a jade egg up my butt and go for some bee-venom therapy.

It seems to keep her grounded and sane.

[source:cosmopolitan]