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Not many people can brag that their first time having sex was as perfect as it was made out to be in movies from the 2000s.

If you managed that bed of roses, candlelit body bonding kind of session, then good for you.

The rest of us are just happy to have the initial challenge and awkwardness out of the way.

Even if it lasted a whole 10 seconds, for some.

To ease you into the long weekend, we thought it might be nice to giggle and squirm along with these comedians, entertainers, and generally funny people sharing their ‘first-time’ stories.

Huff Post has 11 uncomfortable, hilarious, and worrisome ‘How I Lost My Virginity’ tales, but here are our picks of the more interesting ones.

Admit it, we were all this dorky once:

“My older cousin let me use his place and left a pair of Ray-Bans on the coffee table with a note that read ‘take them if you do it, leave them if you don’t.’ Being young and stupid I thought he wanted me to wear them while having sex. I wish I could remember more about that night but I couldn’t see much.” ― Daniel Tirado, a comedian in New York City

This next one is quite cheesy:

“All I can tell you about my first time was that it was another trashy prom night tale of intrigue, disgust, and getting caught in an RV after vomiting in his lap. It was my senior prom in the middle of nowhere Texas. My boyfriend and I went to prom in a group but left pretty early to sneak away to a pool party. There I consumed my weight in sprite and cheesy puffs. We decided to drive to the campgrounds in his parents’ RV to enter into manhood together.

Things were going great until those cheesy puffs came back up and I threw up in his lap. He went and hosed off. We weren’t ready to call it quits so we continued until all of a sudden a spotlight flashed through the window and we heard the WOOP WOOP of a police car. Over the loudspeaker, we heard, ‘please exit the park.’ We left, showered and had regular, bad-first-time sex later that night, but I haven’t eaten a cheesy puff since.” ― Meatball, a drag queen in Los Angeles, California

Brace yourself for this bloody mess:

“The night I lost my virginity I had a tampon in but completely forgot about it because we had been drinking. When the much older loser I decided to sleep with tried to put his penis inside me, he said, ‘Wait, do you have a tampon in?’

I laughed in his face because what a crazy thing to ask during my first time. I said ‘Ew, no.’ He tried again and exclaimed, ‘No, I’m pretty sure you have a tampon in’ so I rolled my eyes and said, ‘There’s literally no way ―’ then felt the tampon. I uncorked myself like a bottle of wine (red, obviously) threw it across the room like I had just drawn a sword and hacked it toward my worst enemy. Neither of us came, and we haven’t spoken since.” ― Lili Michelle, a comedian in New York City

Sometimes, names aren’t as important as losing your virginity ASAP.

We shall finish, awkwardly and way too soon, with this one:

“I was in college and determined to lose my virginity so I just grabbed a guy at a party and started making out with him. We went to his dorm, I got my cherry popped, it was fine, mission accomplished. Leaving his dorm the next morning I realized I had no idea what his name was and had to try to find it using the campus directory for that building. He had a roommate so I guessed at which one it was.

I ended up telling my friends I’d banged the wrong guy. I was eventually corrected when I was confronted by the guy’s roommate’s girlfriend who’d heard through the small-liberal-arts-college grapevine that I had sex with her boyfriend. I explained and she and I laughed about it and are still Facebook acquaintances to this day.” ― Allison Mick, a comedian in Oakland, California

Not satisfied? Head here for more.

Have a fantastic long weekend, all!

[source:huffpost]