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With all the holly to make one sufficiently jolly, the festive season is a peak time for singles to mingle and casually hook up.

This is all good and well until someone puts their heart on the line and gets a little hurt.

If you’re looking to find the balance between protecting your feelings and just enjoying the intimate adventures as they come, then let this former dominatrix teach you a thing or two.

Lia Holmgren is now a reputable relationship counsellor and has all the tips and tricks for someone (women, particularly) wanting to master the art of casual sex.

Holmgren has been there, done that with the woes of hookup culture, getting way too attached to someone “who didn’t have a job or like, a bed frame”.

With her experience as ammunition, she sunk her teeth into more than 100 research papers on the science behind no-strings-attached hookups for women.

She ended up writing a guidebook of sorts, called Hookup without Heartbreak, which offers women a way to prioritise their needs and boundaries so as to enjoy casual sex more freely.

She’s outlined four actionable steps via Business Insider:

Set boundaries:

Holmgren suggests thinking about your needs and boundaries while you are sober, and before you make any booty calls so that when you’re in the moment you can communicate everything effectively.

To do this, she says you should fantasise about the hookup to figure out what you want, then write a “personal disclaimer” down:

She suggested something like, “I know this might be just a one-time thing, and there is a chance that he is only being charming and sweet so he can get laid. I have no expectations of him texting me, calling me, or wanting to see me again. I’m accepting this as an experience that I chose to have in my life, and I’m OK with whatever comes after.”

Also write down your intentions, such as having an orgasm or feeling rejuvenated from the experience, to better understand what you need.

Express yourself:

Most relationship advice tends to be male-centric, and women are only just beginning to honour their needs and wants when it comes to sex.

That’s the crux, Holmgren says, having only really started focusing on her own pleasure after becoming a dominatrix:

“After meeting many men from all walks of life, I realised that their biggest desire is female pleasure,” Holmgren wrote.

She said women seeking hookups should be explicit with their male partners about the type of sex acts they want to experience.

Ask and thou shall receive.

Keep your fantasies in the moment:

To avoid catching any feelings, try to not let your fantasies take you outside of the bedroom and into dinner dates, text exchanges, and day trips.

Rather keep your mind strictly on the sex:

“Thinking about him in a capacity outside the bedroom creates a feeling of a serious relationship that only exists in your head,” she wrote.

Be honest:

As much as you should be honest and open in expressing your needs and wants with another person, you also need to be honest with yourself:

“If you’re looking for a relationship and you’re masking those needs as wanting sex, it might not end up well,” Holmgren said.

She said there’s nothing wrong with focusing on emotional intimacy if that’s your preference.

Basically, sit down and get to know yourself more thoroughly and you could land up with a few decent hookups this month.

Beware the Tinder minefield, though.

[source:businessinsider]